Diwali - The Office (Season 3, Episode 6)

Original Air Date: November 2, 2006

Kelly has invited her co-workers to the celebration of Diwali. Ryan is going to meet Kelly's parents for the first time.

Michael has a presentation on famous people of the India hertiage and the background of Diwali. Most of the meeting is offensiveand makes no sense as per usual.

In Stamford, order form consolidation is the task at hand. So Jim, Andy, and Karen have to stay late. Andy brings out a bottle of liquor and the 3 do shots while working, or so the guys think. Karen, who sits in the back, pours her shots out without drinking them.

At the Diwali celebration, Ryan is very uncomfortable because for one thing Kelly's parents are trying to set her up with someone else.

Everyone is dancing and having a good time while Michael is talking to Kelly's parents about marriage. It inspires him to propose, after 9 dates, to Carol, infront of everyone. She is mortified and asks if they can talk outside. She does not want to marry Michael.

Michael can't believe it, his grand gesture was shot down.

While Ryan is yet again speaking unfortably to Kelly's parents...Her dad asks if there is something Ryan wanted to ask them. Ryan is frozen...Yikes!

In Stamford, Andy rolls out his sleeping bag and passes out on the floor from the shots. Jim tries to get on his bike and peddle home but it is unsuccessful.

And because there just wasn't enough humiliation for the cast is this episode... While talking to Pam on the steps Michael leads in to kiss her. Pam obviously leans back and rejects him flat out. What was he thinking?!?

Best Funny Quotes From The Office - Diwali

Here you go.
Photo of Kelly Kapoor
Photo of Michael Scott
Nice dress, Ryan.
It’s not a dress. It’s a kurta.
Photo of Kelly Kapoor
Photo of Michael Scott
laughing OK.

Tonight, one of our most ethnic co-workers, Kelly, has invited us all to a Diwali celebration put on by her community. What is Diwali, you may ask? Well, to have Kelly explain it girly voice it’s ada blah blah blah, it’s so super fun and it’s going to be great. normal voice Lot of gods with unpronounceable names. Twenty minutes later you find out that is essentially a Hindu Halloween.
Photo of Michael Scott

Photo of Kelly Kapoor
You look so handsome.
Really you do. I love the material.
Photo of Pam Beesley
Photo of Kelly Kapoor
I know.
How come you didn’t get me one?
Photo of Michael Scott
Photo of Kelly Kapoor
I…

Ok, so, between Meredith’s Mini-van and if I borrow Bob’s Yukon that should fit about twelve people.
Photo of Phyllis
Photo of Pam Beesley
I actually might not go. Feeling kind of tired.
Do you want to make Appletini’s and watch ‘Sex and the City’ at my place?
Photo of Meredith Palmer
Photo of Pam Beesley
Oh, I don’t know. I haven’t decided yet.

I don’t get why you won’t go. Did I do something wrong? I mean, I thought we were really close friends.
Photo of Kelly Kapoor
Photo of Pam Beesley
I just feel kind of tired, you know.
Maybe you’ve got mono.
Photo of Dwight Schrute
Photo of Pam Beesley
Maybe. I just …I don’t really have anyone to go with.
Well, go with Dwight. He’s single, too. Right?
Photo of Kelly Kapoor
Photo of Dwight Schrute
Yeah, totally single. Hundred percent available.

Are you guys going to this Indian thing tonight?
Photo of Kevin Malone
Photo of Roy
I don’t know. Who’s… uh, who’s going?
Oooh. Do you mean like, is Pam going?
Photo of Kevin Malone
Photo of Angela Martin
Don’t go. They eat monkey brains.
Hey. Hey. Stop that. That is offensive. Indians do not eat monkey brains. And if they do… sign me up… because I am sure that they are very tasty and nutritional.
Photo of Michael Scott

Photo of Michael Scott
It’s important that this company celebrates its diversity. And you know what, Stanley? Come Kwanzaa time, I have got you covered, baby.
I don’t celebrate Kwanzaa.
Photo of Stanley Hudson
Photo of Michael Scott
Wha? Really? You should! It’s fun.

I love the people here. And if there was one thing I di… don’t really care for is that they can be terribly, terribly ignorant about other cultures. And I don’t want them embarrassing me in front of my girlfriend, Carol.
Photo of Michael Scott

Photo of Michael Scott
Diwali is a very important holiday for the Hindus. But, frankly, I’m a little appalled that none of you know very much about Indian culture. So, without further ado, Kelly you are on.
Um… Diwali is awesome… and there’s food… and there’s going to be dancing… and… Oh! I got the raddest outfit. It has, um…
Photo of Kelly Kapoor
Photo of Michael Scott
Kelly?
Sparkles…
Photo of Kelly Kapoor
Photo of Michael Scott
Um… why don’t you tell us a little bit about the origins of the holiday.
Oh, um… I don’t know. It’s really old, I think.
Photo of Kelly Kapoor
Photo of Angela Martin
How many gods do you have?
Like hundreds, I think. Maybe more than that.
Photo of Kelly Kapoor
Photo of Angela Martin
points at picture on the wall And that blue busty gal? What’s her story?
She looks like Pam from the neck down.
Photo of Kevin Malone
Photo of Dwight Schrute
Pam wishes. generalized laughing Kelly, I’ll take this one. Diwali is a Celebration of the Coronation of the God-King Rama. After his epic battle with Ravana, the Demon King of Lanka. It symbolizes the battle between good and evil…
All right, all right, all right, all right. This isn’t ‘Lord of the Rings’.
Photo of Michael Scott

Photo of Jim Halpert
Sorry.

I started biking into work. Josh does it and he lives a lot farther away than I do. And also it saves gas money, keeps me in shape… helps the environment. And now I know it makes me really sweaty for work.
Photo of Jim Halpert

Photo of Karen
Nice basket.
Thank you.
Photo of Jim Halpert

Photo of Michael Scott
Now, a lot of people say that Kelly is one in a million and that’s true, but it’s also not true. Because, frankly, there are literally billions of people just like Kelly in the world. Here are some famous Indians. slide show Subrahmanyan Chandrasekhar. He is a Nobel prize-winning physicist. Impressive. Apu from the Simpsons. Hilarious. Indian. M. Night Shyamalan. ‘The Village’, ‘Unbreakable’, ‘Sixth Sense’, ‘Sig… ‘
I see dead people.
Photo of Dwight Schrute
Photo of Michael Scott
Okay. Spoiler… alert.
He was dead the whole time.
Photo of Dwight Schrute
Photo of Michael Scott
Just stop it. slide of Michael & Carol kissing What’s the… oh, whoa! laughs Where did that come from?

Karen, my chips got stuck in the vending machine again. I need your skinny, little arms.
Photo of Tony
Photo of Karen
Oh. Did you shake it?
Yeah, I shook it, I shook it.
Photo of Tony

Photo of Andy Bernard
We have such a roller coaster thing, Karen and I.
‘Scuse me?
Photo of Jim Halpert
Photo of Andy Bernard
Roller-coastery friendship. Hot. Cold. On again. Off again. Sexual tension filled type of deal. It’s very Sam and Diane.
Wow.
Photo of Jim Halpert
Photo of Andy Bernard
From ‘Cheers’.
Yup.
Photo of Jim Halpert

Photo of Michael Scott
And another thing about the Indian people… they love sex positions. I present to you the Kama Sutra. I mean look at that. Who’s seen that before?
I have. That’s the ‘Union of the Monkey’.
Photo of Creed Bratton
Photo of Meredith Palmer
Oh, that’s what they call it.
This is the best meeting we’ve ever had.
Photo of Kevin Malone
Photo of Michael Scott
Thank you, Kevin.
I find this incredibly offensive.
Photo of Angela Martin
Photo of Michael Scott
Well, I find it beautiful.
Well, whatever Kelly wants to do in her own house is fine but we shouldn’t all be subjected to it.
Photo of Angela Martin
Photo of Michael Scott
No…
Actually, she’s right. This isn’t appropriate. Why don’t I take these.
Photo of Toby Flenderson
Photo of Michael Scott
No, You’re not going to collect them.
Yes.
Photo of Toby Flenderson
Photo of Michael Scott
No. This is delightful, charming culture.

My Indian Culture Seminar was going great until Toby decided that he was too immature to deal with culturally explicit images. It’s just sex. People… everybody does it. I’m doing it… with Carol! Probably tonight.
Photo of Michael Scott

Photo of Josh
All right. Think you guys should be all set. Oh, here’s the corporate card for dinner.
Thanks.
Photo of Karen
Photo of Josh
And Karen? Let’s keep it to twenty dollars a person this time.
Got it.
Photo of Karen

Photo of Jim Halpert
Once a quarter, the sales staff at this branch has to stay late to do order form consolidation… which, amazingly, is even less interesting than it sounds.

You guys ready to party?
Photo of Andy Bernard
Photo of Jim Halpert
What’s that?
I said are you ready TO PARTY!
Photo of Andy Bernard

Photo of Phyllis
Isn’t this fun? Not wearing shoes?
I wish some of us still had our shoes on.
Photo of Angela Martin
Photo of Kevin Malone
Stop it. It’s a disease! I’ve told you.

wearing cheerleader costume I thought you said this was a costume party!
Photo of Carol
Photo of Michael Scott
points at woman What does that look like to you?
An Indian woman in a sari.
Photo of Carol
Photo of Michael Scott
No one’s even going to notice.
Nice outfit.
Photo of Kevin Malone
Photo of Michael Scott
Hey, Kevin. It’s a costume. Why don’t you just cool it, okay? Carol? Carol.

I’ll have one of those as well. Thank you very much. Now these are limes, lemons, onions…
Photo of Michael Scott
Photo of Angela Martin
I’m a vegetarian. What can I eat?
It’s all vegetarian.
Server
Photo of Angela Martin
I’ll just have some bread. You used your hands.

Oh, yuck. spits out food
Photo of Michael Scott
Photo of Carol
What? Too spicy?
No. These s’mores are disgusting.
Photo of Michael Scott
Photo of Carol
They’re not s’mores. They’re samosas.
Do you think they have any s’mores?
Photo of Michael Scott

Photo of Michael Scott
All they are is chocolate, graham cracker, and marshmallow. How difficult would that have been?

So, you’re Kelly's sisters, huh?
Photo of Ryan
Girls
laugh Kelly Zach Braff speaks in Hindi
What?
Photo of Ryan
Photo of Kelly Kapoor
Ruka, Nipa, Tiffany. Stop acting like such little losers and just be cool. Come on, Ryan. Come on. Leave him alone. I hate you guys.
They said something about Zach Braff.
Photo of Ryan
Photo of Kelly Kapoor
Don’t even listen to them. They’re so…
No, you don’t…
Photo of Ryan

Photo of Pam Beesley
Very official.

I decided to come. Uh… I feel a little under-dressed… but at least I’m not dressed like a slutty cheerleader, right? Is that mean?
Photo of Pam Beesley

Photo of Dwight Schrute
Temp! Temp! Pflut! Pflut!

I don’t even want to hear it. Okay. I didn’t come this Diwali to get yelled at!
Photo of Kelly Kapoor
Kelly's Mom
Stop it right now. Ryan is a temporary worker, makes no money. Wally is a whole doctor. So handsome.
Uh… excuse me. I want to get a…
Photo of Kelly Kapoor
Kelly's Mom
He’s a perfect match.

Hey, Big Tuna, you ready?
Photo of Andy Bernard
Photo of Jim Halpert
Yep.
One. Two. Three. Shot!
Photo of Andy Bernard
Photo of Jim Halpert
Oh, Holy Mother of God.
Oh, that burns! Golly. Um…
Photo of Andy Bernard
Photo of Jim Halpert
Good.
Ooh.
Photo of Karen

Overhead
song by Beyonce Knowles Looking so crazy, my baby. I’m not myself lately. I’m foolish. I don’t do this. I’ve been playing myself. Baby I don’t care. Cuz your love got the best of me. And baby you’re making a fool of me.

Wow, thirty years? And you two only met once before the wedding night?
Photo of Michael Scott
Kelly's Father
Yes.
Wow.
Photo of Michael Scott
Kelly's Father
How long have you been married to the cheerleader?
Oh! She’s not a cheerleader. She thought this was a costume party! Um… no, we’re not married… yet!
Photo of Michael Scott
Kelly's Mom
She is very fair.
She is. Very fair and very kind. So… um… tell me, is your marriage the kind of thing where when you die she has to throw herself on a fire? No? Okay. It’s still very cool. Ok. Thanks!
Photo of Michael Scott

Photo of Andy Bernard
One. Two. Three. Shot!
Oh.
Photo of Jim Halpert

Photo of Carol
Are you okay?
I’m going to be. to DJ Hi, I’m just going to get this for a sec… just a sec. speaks in microphone Um… everyone? I’m sorry, could I have your attention, please. Thank you. Ah-hah… Hi. Sorry. I just have an announcement to make. Um… okay. I have learned a lot about Indian culture tonight. But I have learned even more about love. And I know you’re all thinking ‘who is this crazy gringo and what is he talking about?’ Well, I’m not crazy. Maybe I’m crazy in love. So without further ado, Carol? Carol Stills. I would like you to do me the honor of making me your husband.
Photo of Michael Scott
Crowd
Awww!
Oh, Michael.
Photo of Carol
Photo of Michael Scott
What do you say?
Can we talk about this in private?
Photo of Carol
Photo of Michael Scott
I didn’t hear you. laughs
louder Can we talk about this in private?
Photo of Carol
Photo of Michael Scott
lowers microphone Oh, you’ve got to be kidding me. Okay.

No. I get it. I get it. You’re not ready. We’ll wait. This is a classic…
Photo of Michael Scott
Photo of Carol
This is the ninth date, Michael.
Yeah, well, but I … I feel like I’ve known you many lifetimes. Maybe I’m Hindu after all. Okay, I’m not Hindu, but… Carol. Carol, I just… I feel like… I just like you so much.
Photo of Michael Scott
Photo of Carol
I better go. Okay, you can find a way home, all right?
Yes.
Photo of Michael Scott
Photo of Carol
Okay.
Ok. Okay. Good night. louder Hey, you know what? Why don’t I come with you. Cause I’ve got this book called the Kama Sutra.
Photo of Michael Scott
Photo of Carol
Okay, good night, Michael.
All right. Good night.
Photo of Michael Scott

Photo of Ryan
Well, I was a Temp but I got promoted. So, um… the compensation is a lot more competitive.
So you’re saving money…
Kelly's Mom
Photo of Ryan
Yes.
…to start a family and home.
Kelly's Mom
Photo of Ryan
Oh, um… or travel. And,um… and buy an Xbox.
Is there anything you wanted to ask us tonight?
Kelly's Father

Photo of Pam Beesley
Can you believe my boss proposed to his girlfriend in public? That is so Michael.
Is it? He’s really outgoing, huh?
Young Man
Photo of Pam Beesley
Yeah. Hey, would you excuse me for a second?

It’s hot in there. How’s the naan?
Photo of Pam Beesley
Photo of Angela Martin
Dry. You look like you were having fun.
I am. You should come dance with us.
Photo of Pam Beesley
Photo of Angela Martin
I have to watch our shoes so they don’t get stolen. Who were you texting?
No one.
Photo of Pam Beesley

Photo of Andy Bernard
sings Indigo Girls I went to the doctor. I went to the mountains. I looked to the children…
Andy, no acappella.
Photo of Karen
Photo of Andy Bernard
sings I looked to the children, I drank from the fountain.
sing There’s more than one answer to these questions pointing me in a crooked line
Andy and Jim
Photo of Andy Bernard
Wait, wait.
sing the less I seek my source…
Andy and Jim
Photo of Karen
Oh, come on, guys. Please.
sing the closer I am to fi-i-i-ne. The closer I am to..
Andy and Jim
Photo of Karen
It’s not good.
sing fi-i-i-ine!
Andy and Jim
Photo of Andy Bernard
TUNA! Are you kidding me!!

Oh, God! chokes on food Oh. Wow.
Photo of Michael Scott
Photo of Pam Beesley
Here. hands drink
That’s so spicy.
Photo of Michael Scott
Photo of Pam Beesley
Yeah.
Oh. You waiting for a call?
Photo of Michael Scott
Photo of Pam Beesley
Uh… no.
Wow. Pam. When Carol said ‘No.’ tonight, I think I finally realized how you must be feeling. We are both the victims of broken engagements.
Photo of Michael Scott
Photo of Pam Beesley
Well, you were never really engaged.
I was in that marriage arena, though.
Photo of Michael Scott
Photo of Pam Beesley
Yeah.
Yeah. Uuuuh… well.
Photo of Michael Scott
Photo of Pam Beesley
I kind of thought something would happen tonight too.
We’re so alike. So alike. leans in to kiss her
Photo of Michael Scott
Photo of Pam Beesley
What are you doing?
What are you doing?
Photo of Michael Scott
Photo of Pam Beesley
I’m rejecting your…
I’m… what? I didn’t
Photo of Michael Scott
Photo of Pam Beesley
…kiss.
scoffing noises Can I have a ride home?
Photo of Michael Scott
Photo of Pam Beesley
If you sit in the back.

Goodnight, guys.
Photo of Karen
Photo of Jim Halpert
Can I have a ride, man? I… uh… I have my bike.
No way, dude. I am not driving home. I have brought an inflatable bed for just such occasions. You’re welcome to share it though. It’s a roomy twin.
Photo of Andy Bernard
Photo of Jim Halpert
Okay.

Oh.
Photo of Jim Halpert
Photo of Karen
Hey dummy, get in the car!
I’m a drunk driver.
Photo of Jim Halpert
Photo of Karen
Yes, you are. Here. Let me take that. Just… uh… get in the car.
Man, you can really hold your liquor, Billabelli.
Photo of Jim Halpert
Photo of Karen
Yeah, you can’t.
No kidding. And I am just going to lie down in the back, if that’s all right.
Photo of Jim Halpert
Photo of Karen
Sure. Here’s your bag. Just don’t puke on anything. You okay?
So good.
Photo of Jim Halpert
Photo of Karen
Good.

These are not my shoes. This is just like that show ‘Taxi Cab Confessions’.
Photo of Michael Scott
Photo of Pam Beesley
You say one more word; I’m stopping the car.
Sorry.
Photo of Michael Scott

Photo of Michael Scott
This is going out to Indians everywhere. It’s a tribute to one of the greats… Mr. Adam Sandler. sings Diwali is a festival of lights. Let me tell you something. Tonight has been one crazy night. So put on your saris, it’s time to celebrate Diwali. Everybody looks so jolly. But it’s not Christmas, it’s Diwali. The goddess of destruction Kali stopped by to celebrate Diwali. Don’t invite any zombies to a celebration of Diwali. Along came Polly to have some fun at Diwali. If you’re Indian and you love to party, have a happy, happy, happy, happy Diwali. Happy Diwali!
loud clapping, cheering, and whistling
Crowd

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