The Office Quotes Season 2

Want to duplicate the hilarity of The Office Sitcom in your own office. Try these quotes on for size.

The Dundies

Jim: What a great year for the Dundies: we got to see Ping, we learned Michael's true feelings for Ryan - which was touching - and we heard Michael change the lyrics to a number of classic songs which, for me, has ruined them for life.

Michael: This is the "Don't Go In After Me" award. It's for Kevin, for the time I used the bathroom after him, and it was really smelly.

Michael: A lot of the people here don't get trophies very often, like Meridith or Kevin. I mean who's gonna give Kevin an award, Dunkin' Donuts?

Oscar: The Dundies are kind of like a kid's birthday party. And you go. And there's really nothing for you to do there. But the kid's having a really good time, so you're kind of there. That's kind of like what it's like.

Michael: Please do not drink and drive, because you might hit a bump and spill your drink.

Read the episode recap for The Office The Dundies

Sexual Harassment

Toby: Technically, I am in human resources and Dwight was asking about human anatomy. Uhmm.. I'm just sad that the public school system failed him so badly.

Michael: In the future, when I want to say something funny or witty or do an impression, I will no longer ever do any of those things.
Jim: Does that include "that's what she said"?
Michael: Uh, yes.
Jim: Wow, that's really hard. You really think you can go all day long? Well, you always left me satisfied and smiling.
Michael: That's what she said!

Jim: Hey, what has two thumbs and hates Todd Packer? This Guy!

Michael: Toby is in HR. Which, technically, means he works for corporate. So he's really not a part of our family. Also he's divorced. So he's really not a part of his family.

Michael: I am king of forwards. It's how I like to do business. Everybody joking around. We're like Friends. I am Chandler and Joey. And Pam is Rachel. And Dwight is Kramer.

Read the episode recap for The Office Sexual Harassment

Office Olympics

Dwight: (describing his relationship with Michael) We're like one of those classic famous teams. He's like Mozart and I'm like Mozart's friend. No, I'm like Butch Cassidy and Michael is like Mozart. You try and hurt Mozart, you're gonna get a bullet in your head, courtesy of Butch Cassidy.

Michael: I'm an early bird... And, I'm a night owl. So I'm wise, and, I have worms... Um...

Kevin: We call it Hate Ball.
Jim: Why?
Kevin: Because Angela hates it so much.

Dwight: A 30-year mortgage at Michael's age basically means he's buying a coffin. Now if I were buying my coffin, I would get one with thicker walls... so you couldn't hear the other dead people.

Angela: I call it Pampong. I count how many times Jim gets up to go to reception to talk to you.
Pam: We're friends.
Angela: Apparently.

Michael: Where are all the hot people? I was told that there would be all these attractive singles. And as far as I can tell, I'm the best looking person here.

Dwight: Thank God. It was nice of him to offer, but I live in a 9-bedroom farmhouse. I have my own crossbow range. It’s the perfect situation for me, although two bathrooms would have been nice. We just have the one...and it's under the porch.

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Read the episode recap for The Office Office Olympics

The Fire

Michael: I did not go to business school. You know who else didn't go to business school? LeBron James, Tracy McGrady, Kobe Bryant. They went right from high school to the NBA so . . . so, it's not the same thing at all.

Michael: (after running out of the office because of the fire alarm) Yes, I was the first one out, and yes, I've heard women and children first, but we do not employ children. We are not a sweatshop, thankfully. And, uh, women are equal in the workplace by law, so I let them out first, I have a lawsuit on my hands.

Dwight: Question, is there fire wood on the island?
Jim: I guess.
Dwight: Then I would bring an ax, no books.
Jim: It has to be a book Dwight.
Dwight: Fine, Physician's Desk Reference...
Jim: Nice, smart.
Dwight: ...hollowed out. Inside: waterproof matches, iodine tablets, beet seeds, protein bars, NASA blanket and, in case I get bored, Harry Potter and the Sorcerer's Stone. No, Harry Potter and the Prisoner of Azkaban. Question: did my shoes come off in the plane crash?

Michael: Ryan's about to attend the Michael Scott School of Business. I'm like Mr. Miyagi and Yoda rolled into one.

Read the episode recap for The Office The Fire


Jim: [Jim pretends to fire Michael] I'm really sorry but I have to let you go. And it's purely budgetary, it's not personal-
Michael: AAAAAHHH!!! I'm going to kill myself!
Jim: Wow.
Michael: I'm going to kill myself and it's your fault!
Jim: That's a normal reaction.

Jim: Honestly, I don't think Michael has the slightest clue of who he's going to fire. I think he keeps hoping that someone is going to volunteer...or be run over by a bus before the deadline. But in the end really what's going to happen is that it's going to be the first person that gives him a dirty look in the hall. And therein lies the true essence of his charisma.

Dwight: So you got the fax. So why didn't you add it to the resume? What do you mean? Of course martial arts training is relevant. Oh excuse me, I know about a billion Asians that would beg to differ. Uh, yeah, I get a little frustrated when I'm dealing with incompetence. Well, you know what? You can go to hell and I will see you there. Burning. Fine. Oh, wait, so you'll let me know when you've made a decision?

Pam: I'm guessing Angela's the one in the neighborhood who gives the trick-or-treaters some toothbrushes... pennies... walnuts.

Read the episode recap for The Office Halloween

The Fight

Dwight: I come from a long line of fighters. My maternal grandfather was the toughest guy I ever knew…World War II veteran. My father battled blood pressure and obesity. Different kind of fight.

Pam: Michael tends to procrastinate whenever he has to do work

Dwight: I need to change my emergency contact information from Michael Scott.
Ryan: Ok, to what?
Dwight: Just put...The...Hospital. Contact number...just put 911.
Michael: He is such a sore loser.

Michael: Look. Dwight is a wuss. When we rented Armageddon, he cried at the end of it.
Dwight: Michael, I told you. That was because it was New Year's Eve, and it started to snow at exactly midnight.

Michael: I've beat up black belts.
Jim: How'd you know they were black belts?
Michael: They told me. After.

Michael: Would I rather be feared or loved? Um, easy. Both. I want people to be afraid of how much they love me.

Oscar: Michael, can’t your conversation wait until Monday?
Toby: We want to go home…
Michael: Yeah, well you don’t even have anyone to go home to, Toby.

Read the episode recap for The Office The Fight

The Client

Jim: [about Jim and Pam's "date"] I was totally joking anyway. I mean, it's not really a date if the girl goes home to her fiancee. Right?

Michael: You want to see other people? Oh, only other people.

Jim: Jan didn’t come back for her car last night. Could it be that Agent Michael Scarn has finally found his Catherine-Zeta?

Michael: A gentleman does not kiss and tell – and neither do I.

Michael: First guy says, "Well, I'm an astronaut, so I drive a Saturn." And the second guy says, "Well, I am a pimp, so I drive a cheap Escort." And the third guy says, "I got you both beat. I'm a proctologist, so I drive a brown Probe."
Christian: Oh nohoho... Oh my god, that's funny! I almost had Awesome Blossom coming out of my nose!

Jim: So this possible client they're talking about--actually a big deal. It's Lackawanna county. Our whole county. And if we get this, they might not have to downsize our branch. And I could work here for years...and years...and...years.

Read the episode recap for The Office The Client

Great Quotes From All Episodes

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