Initiation - The Office (Season 3, Episode 5)

Original Air Date: October 19, 2006

Dwight is taking Ryan on a sales call today to show the rookie how it is done.

While Jan was meeting with Michael, she gets a deep feeling that Michael doesn't do much during the day. After the meeting, she goes to Pam and tells her to write down everything Michael does, hour by hour. Although not wanting to, Pam agrees.

Dwight and Ryan go on their sales call where Dwight makes Ryan go through a lot of ridiculous takes as an initiation into real sales. Although frustrating, Ryan goes along with them until the end when he is to fight Dwight's cousin Mose in the Schrute Family Barn. He refuses. Finally the 2 are off to the sales call. But the meeting doesn't go very well and Ryan is pissed. So before they leave the parking lot, Ryan grabs the eggs that are in Dwight's car and they start egging to potential client's buidling. Then they haul ass. They eventually end up at a bar for a beer and feel better.

Meanwhile at the office, it's Pretzel Day. One guy with a pretzel cart passes out free, hot pretzels with all kinds of possible toppings. The line is very long and it takes Michael 2 hours to get his overly topped with candy pretzel. Pam tries to get him to work because so far all he's done is a Cosby impression and stand in line for a pretzel.

The pretzel gives Michael a sugar ruch for a bit where he is brainstorming bad ideas. But he crashes and sleeps until 5pm.

At 5pm, while walking out, the phone rings. Pam answers it and it's Jim. He was looking for Kevin. The conversation between the 2 is ackward for a bit but then they start getting into the old grove again. Unfortunately, Ryan and Dwight return to the office and as Ryan leaves, Pam says good-bye. Jim thinks that's directed at him. So it gets ackward again as neither wants to admit they want to stay on the phone, however, both say they must go.

It's a start.

Best Funny Quotes From The Office - Initiation

Photo of Dwight Schrute
Brain teaser. I have two coins totaling 15 cents and one of them is not a nickel. What are they?
A dime and a nickel.
Photo of Ryan
Photo of Dwight Schrute
No, I said one of them is not a nickel.
But the other one is. I’ve heard that before.
Photo of Ryan
Photo of Dwight Schrute
Ok. A man and his son get into a car accident. They are rushed to the hospital. The doctor says, there is no way I can operate on this boy, …
Because he’s my son. The doctor is the boy’s mother.
Photo of Ryan
Photo of Dwight Schrute
A man is found hanging from the ceiling…
He stepped on a block of ice, hung himself, and the ice melted.
Photo of Ryan
Photo of Dwight Schrute
A hunter.
It’s a polar bear because you’re at the North Pole.
Photo of Ryan
Photo of Dwight Schrute
Damn it!

Tell me what you did yesterday.
Photo of Jan
Photo of Michael Scott
Uhhh… nothing.
Nothing?
Photo of Jan
Photo of Michael Scott
Yeah, nothing. How was your day?
I don’t care how your day was Michael.
Photo of Jan
Photo of Michael Scott
Wow. Well. Ok. I don’t care how your day was either, Jan. I was just asking you because you asked me. Why do you set me up like that?
Tell me what you did yesterday.
Photo of Jan
Photo of Michael Scott
I worked. And then I went home to my condo. And Carol came over. And then we had sex. Is that what you want to hear?

Never ever, ever sleep with your boss. I am so lucky that Jan and I only got to second base.
Photo of Michael Scott

Photo of Jan
Hi, Pam.
Hi.
Photo of Pam Beesley
Photo of Jan
I’m great. So, Pam I would like you to keep a log of everything Michael does hour by hour so we can analyze it at corporate. Ok?
Oh, I don’t know if I’m…
Photo of Pam Beesley
Photo of Jan
Thanks Pam.

It’s weird. Jan use to treat Michael like he was a ten year old, but lately it’s like he’s five.
Photo of Pam Beesley

Photo of Dwight Schrute
So you excited?
Yeah.
Photo of Ryan
Photo of Dwight Schrute
Very excited?
Yes. I’m very excited.
Photo of Ryan
Photo of Dwight Schrute
Extremely excited? … Just very? That’s cool.

I have spent a year here. I have to commit or get out. Dwight’s the top salesman in the company and he’s taking me on my first sales call today. And, um, I’m excited.
Photo of Ryan

Photo of Dwight Schrute
I am very excited. Ryan hasn’t made a sale yet, but more importantly, he hasn’t made an ally yet. Is he going to be a slacker-loser-wise-ass like Jim was? Or is he going to join the Dwight Army of Champions?

So what if they’re not talking much, then does it makes sense to kind of lead the conversation? You know, just ’till it gets to a point where they are asking questions? car stops So where’s the sales office?
Photo of Ryan
Photo of Dwight Schrute
When you are ready to see the sales office, the sales office will present itself to you. Your journey begins now.

squeaky chair Hey.
Photo of Karen
Photo of Jim Halpert
What?
My chair is squeaking.
Photo of Karen
Photo of Jim Halpert
Is it?
You took my chair.
Photo of Karen
Photo of Jim Halpert
No, I didn’t. I took back my chair that you took from me, but I didn’t take your chair.
When you get up, I’m just going to take it back anyway, so…
Photo of Karen
Photo of Jim Halpert
So I guess I can’t get up.

Hey Koselli, the Kos. Cosby. Hey hey hey. I love Jello Pudding Pops. My son, Theo, loves Jello Pudding Pops too.
Photo of Michael Scott

Photo of Dwight Schrute
Do you know where we are, temp?
I know where we’re not.
Photo of Ryan
Photo of Dwight Schrute
I hold in my hand, a beet seed. Take it. Ryan tries to take it, Dwight closes hand AH! Ryan tries again and takes seed When… Damn it.

Hey, Big Tuna, can I talk to you for a second.
Photo of Andy Bernard
Photo of Jim Halpert
Sure.
Can you stand up? And talk to me over there?
Photo of Andy Bernard
Photo of Karen
That’s it? That’s what you came up with?
I’m acting my heart out here.
Photo of Andy Bernard
Photo of Karen
Really?
Yeah, really. You asked for my help, so I helped.
Photo of Andy Bernard

Announcer
Attention Scranton Business Park, there will be complimentary pretzels in the lobby from now until 4 o’clock as a thank you to our loyal tenants.

Once a year they bring in a little cart and they give away free pretzels. It’s really not a big deal. To some people it is.
Photo of Pam Beesley

Photo of Michael Scott
Productivity is important but how can I be productive if I have this one little thing in my brain? That I cannot get out. And that one little thing is a soft pretzel. So I’m just going to have my soft pretzel, then I’ll get to work, and I’ll be super productive. Look out for me.

looks at long pretzel line Oh, shhh… Come on.
Photo of Michael Scott

Photo of Dwight Schrute
And just as you have planted your seed in the ground, I’m going to plant my seed in you.
I don’t think you know what you’re saying.
Photo of Ryan
Photo of Dwight Schrute
Smells pretty bad, doesn’t it?
Uh huh.
Photo of Ryan
Photo of Dwight Schrute
It’s called bull crap and a client can smell it from a mile away.
Gotcha.
Photo of Ryan
Photo of Dwight Schrute
Oh hey, I forgot something in my car. I’ll be right back.
Ok. Dwight drives away Of course.
Photo of Ryan

Photo of Stanley Hudson
I wake up every morning in a bed that’s too small, drive my daughter to a school that’s too expensive, and then I go to work to a job for which I get paid too little, but on Pretzel Day? Well, I like pretzel day.

Because they acted all tough and everything…
Photo of Kelly Kapoor
Photo of Michael Scott
Uh huh.
But what they were rapping about was cupcakes and the Chronicles of Narnia. God. Who invented cupcakes, right? I want to…
Photo of Kelly Kapoor
Photo of Michael Scott
Phyllis embraces Bob ahead in line Hey, hey, hey! Phyllis, what are you doing?
I’m just saying hi to Bob.
Photo of Phyllis
Photo of Michael Scott
No, I think you’re cutting in line.
Well settle down, Scott.
Photo of Bob
Photo of Michael Scott
No, I’m not going to settle down.
No way.
Photo of Stanley Hudson
Photo of Michael Scott
Get in the back please.
Boooooo. Booooo. Back of the line.
Photo of Stanley Hudson
Photo of Michael Scott
Boooooo. Thank you. hi-five’s Stanley. That’s right.
What a pair of Mary’s.
Photo of Bob
Photo of Stanley Hudson
This is Pretzel Day.

Hey Dwight, you’re a great salesman. Can you teach me? Sure, Ryan. I’ll make you the ole commodor. I’ll abandon you in a beet field. Huh. That sounds great, Dwight, I’ll really appreciate that. Thank you so much for your mentorship.
Photo of Ryan
Photo of Dwight Schrute
Congratulations resourceful salesman. You have passed the second challenge. Welcome to Schrute Farm.

rocks in squeaky chair
Photo of Karen
Photo of Jim Halpert
sings Love me, love me, say that you love me, fool me, fool me,
stop.
Photo of Karen
Photo of Jim Halpert
Go on and fool me. Love me, love me, say that you love me
This is not fair, this is going to be in my head all day. Please.
Photo of Karen
Photo of Jim Halpert
fool me, fool me, go on and fool me. Love me,
This is not a proportionate response.
Photo of Karen
Photo of Jim Halpert
Love me, say that you love me. Fool me, fool me, go on and fool me.

I don’t care ’bout anything but you… what ever happened to those guys?
Photo of Andy Bernard

Photo of Pam Beesley
Michael.
No cuts. Oh, Pam. Just the woman I’d like to see. You read my mind.
Photo of Michael Scott
Photo of Pam Beesley
Great! I thought you could use this time to authorize some checks.
I thought that maybe you could wait in line for me while I go to the bathroom. You’re an angel.
Photo of Michael Scott
Photo of Pam Beesley
Hey, why don’t you just go up to your office, get some work done, and I’ll just bring you a pretzel.
Because I like them a certain way, and if it gets screwed up, then whole thing is blown.
Photo of Michael Scott
Photo of Pam Beesley
You know, I just think it’s really important that you be productive today.
Pam, productivity starts with patience and determination. I’ll be back.
Photo of Michael Scott

Photo of Dwight Schrute
It is time for your next test. You have planted the beet seed. You have walked the long lonely walk of loneliness.
Look man, I was in a frat in college. So I know what you’re doing. I get it.
Photo of Ryan
Photo of Dwight Schrute
You know what your problem is? You know why you haven’t made any sales? Cause you think you know everything. You have to trust that maybe there are other people that can teach you things. Are you ready to learn? Are you ready for the final test?
Yeah.
Photo of Ryan
Photo of Dwight Schrute
Come on!

Thank you! takes pretzel
Photo of Stanley Hudson
Photo of Michael Scott
Hi. Please tell me that you have a sweet pretzel left.
We do.
Pretzel guy
Photo of Michael Scott
Thank God.
And we have 18 different toppings. We have sweet glaze, cinnamon sugar, chocolate, white chocolate, fudge, M&M’s, caramel dip, mint chip, chocolate chip, marshmallow, nuts, toffee nuts, coconuts, peanut butter drizzle, Oreos, sprinkles, cotton candy bits, and powdered sugar.
Pretzel guy
Photo of Michael Scott
Is there anyway that you could do all, all of them?
The Works. You got it.
Pretzel guy
Photo of Michael Scott
All right! Thank you!

Please be seated. man runs behind Dwight
Photo of Dwight Schrute
Photo of Ryan
Who was that?
Pay no attention to the spirits that haunt this hallowed ground.
Photo of Dwight Schrute
Photo of Ryan
Is that your Cousin Mose?
Yes.
Photo of Dwight Schrute

Photo of Dwight Schrute
Mose is my cousin and he lives here. He will always be my best friend. Unless things go well with Ryan today in which case, I won’t hang out with Mose so much anymore.

What is the greatest danger facing Dunder Mifflin?
Photo of Dwight Schrute
Photo of Ryan
Outsourcing and consolidation of competition.
Wrong. Flash floods. What is the true cause of Robert Mifflin’s suicide?
Photo of Dwight Schrute
Photo of Ryan
Depression?
Wrong. He hated himself. What is the DHARMA initiative?
Photo of Dwight Schrute

Photo of Kelly Kapoor
I can’t believe that Ryan is not back yet. Where could they be?
Sales take a long time.
Photo of Angela Martin
Photo of Kelly Kapoor
Oh my God, I’m so worried.
I’m sure Dwight will protect him.
Photo of Angela Martin
Photo of Kelly Kapoor
I don’t know. Dwight’s so weird.
He’s not weird, he’s just individualistic.
Photo of Angela Martin
Photo of Kelly Kapoor
No, he’s a freak.
You’re a freak!
Photo of Angela Martin

Photo of Dwight Schrute
Final question, young Ryan Howard. What is Michael Scott’s greatest fear?
Um, loneliness. Maybe women.
Photo of Ryan
Photo of Dwight Schrute
Wrong. He’s not afraid of anything. Also, I would have accepted snakes. Fear is what it’s all about. You cannot sell while undergoing fear. You need to vanquish fear! One must wrestle fear to the ground. You will now wrestle my cousin Mose.
No. Ok. All right. All right. It’s over. This is over. OK.
Photo of Ryan
Photo of Dwight Schrute
Wrestle him to the ground.
No, you’re a freak. I’m not doing this anymore. This is over. Goodbye.
Photo of Ryan
Photo of Dwight Schrute
Ryan. Don’t. Ryan! You don’t have to wrestle him. Just get in the coffin. Ryan?
Bye, Ryan. He seemed nice.
Cousin Mose
Photo of Dwight Schrute
Where are all the animals?

Ryan, come on. I am sorry. I am sorry. Mose is sorry too. Look, he sent over a basket with eggs and some fat back bacon. And look, something he whittled.
Photo of Dwight Schrute

Photo of Dwight Schrute
You still mad? It’s just Jim and I didn’t get along, and I didn’t want it to be that way again. You know, I wanted us to be a team. An unstoppable team that competed against other teams.
Look, that, that’s not what I wanted, ok. I just wanted to go on a sales call.
Photo of Ryan
Photo of Dwight Schrute
Screwgun. The sales call!

Michael is listening to “Rock And Roll Part 2 by Gary Glitter” and everyone can hear it. Kevin singing in unison with the song Hey! Hey!
Photo of Kevin Malone
Photo of Michael Scott
Mr. Kosseli. Hey hey hey, the Cos. What’s going on? Do we have a deal? Deal or no deal? Let’s make a deal. So what is the deal?

Establish time frames. Keep the phrase “real dollars” in their head. And always keep the power in the conversation. That’s why you’re losing them on the cold calls. Cause you say the word please too much.
Photo of Dwight Schrute
Photo of Ryan
Wait, can you go back?
Michael always said, K.I.S.S. Keep it simple, stupid. Great advice, hurts my feelings every time.
Photo of Dwight Schrute

Photo of Ryan
Ok, I’m going to establish time frames.
Good.
Photo of Dwight Schrute
Photo of Ryan
I’m going to put everything in terms of “real dollars”.
Right.
Photo of Dwight Schrute
Photo of Ryan
I’m going to ask a lot of questions that all have sort of positive answers.
Uh huh.
Photo of Dwight Schrute
Photo of Ryan
Saying, that would be better, or we would like that. That sort of thing.
Exactly. Yes.
Photo of Dwight Schrute
Photo of Ryan
I’m going to try to be confident, but not cocky.

Oh! Hey! Everyone, I am officially streamlining the efficiency of this corporation. Second…
Photo of Michael Scott
Photo of Toby Flenderson
Second?
Yes, second, Toby. Second, I am insisting on increased accountability from every single one of you.
Photo of Michael Scott
Photo of Kevin Malone
Account…? Michael, what is going on?
And I will be taking questions.
Photo of Michael Scott
Photo of Pam Beesley
Did you have a lot of sugar today, Michael?
What’s on your suit?
Photo of Phyllis
Photo of Michael Scott
Carmel Dip. But, one question at a time please. Phyllis, Stanley. I want you to switch desks, I’m going to reorganize and restructure the physical layout of the office to maximize everything! I think we’re getting a lot done, don’t you? On paper at least. And we are, after all, a paper company. Are we not, are we not, are we not? Are you with me, are you with me? Thank you very much!

They really didn’t like me.
Photo of Ryan
Photo of Dwight Schrute
They did not. They didn’t have to say it to your face.
I don’t get it. I don’t get what I did wrong.
Photo of Ryan
Photo of Dwight Schrute
Not everything’s a lesson, Ryan. Sometimes you just fail. It’s those online paper jerks. The whole business is changing. You know what? They’re going to be screwed once this whole internet fad is over. What are you doing? Ryan throws egg at building Oh no no no no! Ryan! Yes! Ryan the temp! Come on! Courtesy of Dunder Mifflin. Come on! Drive.
You drive.
Photo of Ryan

Photo of Pam Beesley
Dunder Mifflin, this is Pam. Oh, hi Jan. He’s, uh, on a sales call. No message? Bye, Jan.

Dwight chokes as Ryan downs a beer in one drink Temp! Temp! Temp! Temp! Ryan! Ryan! Ryan! Ryan! Yes! Just think, that temp agency could have sent you anywhere.
Photo of Dwight Schrute
Photo of Ryan
I think about that all the time.

Night, Pam.
Photo of Kevin Malone
Photo of Pam Beesley
Night.
Hey, what time is it?
Photo of Michael Scott
Photo of Pam Beesley
20 past 5.
AM or PM?
Photo of Michael Scott
Photo of Pam Beesley
PM.
Oh, good.
Photo of Michael Scott
Photo of Pam Beesley
These came for you. Contracts? Brent Koselli?
Oh. Koselli. With the Jello.
Photo of Michael Scott
Photo of Pam Beesley
This is a huge sale.
Yes. Right. Good.
Photo of Michael Scott
Photo of Pam Beesley
Night, Michael.
Goodnight!
Photo of Michael Scott
Photo of Pam Beesley
phone rings Dunder Mifflin.
Ah, hey.
Photo of Jim Halpert
Photo of Pam Beesley
Oh my God.
Hi.
Photo of Jim Halpert
Photo of Pam Beesley
Hi.
Sorry, I forgot Kevin’s extension. It’s a fantasy football thing.
Photo of Jim Halpert
Photo of Pam Beesley
Oh.
And I was just going to go through the system cause I didn’t think you’d be there. Why, why are you still there?
Photo of Jim Halpert
Photo of Pam Beesley
I had to work late. Jan’s making me keep a log of everything Michael does all day.
Wow. Do you think you could send me a copy of that?
Photo of Jim Halpert
Photo of Pam Beesley
Yeah, totally. So…
So…
Photo of Jim Halpert
Photo of Pam Beesley
Do you…
Oh, I’m sorry. Go ahead.
Photo of Jim Halpert
Photo of Pam Beesley
Uh, no, I um. Everything’s pretty much the same here.
Oh, good.
Photo of Jim Halpert
Photo of Pam Beesley
A little different. What time is it there?
What time is it here? Um, we’re in the same time zone.
Photo of Jim Halpert
Photo of Pam Beesley
Oh, yeah. Right.
How far away did you think we were?
Photo of Jim Halpert
Photo of Pam Beesley
I don’t know. It felt far.
Yeah. I have a question for you.
Photo of Jim Halpert
Photo of Pam Beesley
What?
How many words per minute does the average person type?
Photo of Jim Halpert
Photo of Pam Beesley
I type 90.
Shut up. Mavis Beacon doesn’t even type 90.
Photo of Jim Halpert
Photo of Pam Beesley
It’s true.
Ok, I said average.
Photo of Jim Halpert
Photo of Pam Beesley
70? How many do you type?
Forget it. I was just about to brag but forget it.
Photo of Jim Halpert
Photo of Pam Beesley
Come on. Tell me.
No.
Photo of Jim Halpert
Photo of Pam Beesley
You have to tell me now.
65. Ok, no need to laugh.
Photo of Jim Halpert
Photo of Pam Beesley
No, it’s, that’s respectable.
Respectable?
Photo of Jim Halpert

Photo of Pam Beesley
So ok. I’m watching the movie, by myself…
Right.
Photo of Jim Halpert
Photo of Pam Beesley
Because I just wanted a relaxing evening at home…
Ok.
Photo of Jim Halpert
Photo of Pam Beesley
And, I’m freaking out.
Yeah.
Photo of Jim Halpert
Photo of Pam Beesley
That movie is so scary!
I know!
Photo of Jim Halpert
Photo of Pam Beesley
But I’m holding on because I keep waiting for Sandra Bullock to show up.
No way. How do you confuse 28 Days with 28 Days Later?
Photo of Jim Halpert
Photo of Pam Beesley
Because I got it at Blockbuster and they don’t put the pictures on the box.
No, you’re making this up!
Photo of Jim Halpert
Photo of Pam Beesley
Would I make that up?
Yes. Fancy New Beesley would make that up. New apartment, new stories.
Photo of Jim Halpert
Photo of Pam Beesley
Oh, yeah, in my fancy new apartment. I have one bedroom, one bathroom, and a closet.
And how many kitchens?
Photo of Jim Halpert
Photo of Pam Beesley
I have one kitchen.
Wow, you got totally taken for a ride Beesley.
Photo of Jim Halpert
Photo of Pam Beesley
It’s actually…
Most apartments these days have like three.
Photo of Jim Halpert
Photo of Pam Beesley
Three kitchens?
Yes! How are you going to cook every meal of the day in one kitchen?
Photo of Jim Halpert
Photo of Pam Beesley
Ryan and Dwight enter Hey, Ryan, are you ok?
Pam?
Photo of Jim Halpert
Photo of Ryan
Yeah. Yeah.
Pam?
Photo of Jim Halpert
Photo of Pam Beesley
Um. Ok, bye.
Oh, yeah, I should, I should, I should probably go too.
Photo of Jim Halpert
Photo of Pam Beesley
No, I was um…
Oh, no no.
Photo of Jim Halpert
Photo of Pam Beesley
You have to go?
Yeah, uh, well.
Photo of Jim Halpert
Photo of Pam Beesley
No, I should probably go too.
Ok.
Photo of Jim Halpert
Photo of Pam Beesley
I mean, yeah.
Yeah. Bye Pam.
Photo of Jim Halpert
Photo of Pam Beesley
Bye Jim.

Three hundred and sixty four days, ’till the next Pretzel Day.
Photo of Stanley Hudson

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