The Office Quotes Season 2

Want to duplicate the hilarity of The Office Sitcom in your own office. Try these quotes on for size.

Boys and Girls

Dwight: Yeah and then they make you drive them to church the next morning, like gas ain’t free.

Jan: I don't know what you're doing here, Michael.
Michael: We're just having a little "Guys in the Workplace" thing. Why can't boys play with dolls? Why does society force us to use urinals when sitting down is far more comfortable.

Jim: How are the girls?
Pam: Good. We watch a video about our changing bodies.
Jim: Really?

Kevin: I bet Roy heard about you liking Pam. I bet he'll try to beat you up.
Jim: Thanks for the heads up, Kev.
Kevin: I got your back if he does...but try to stay out of it.

Dwight: It's a terrible idea.
Jim: What is?
Dwight: Them in there all together. They stay in there too long, they're gonna get on the same cycle. Wreak havok on our plumbing.

Michael: Everyone. Guys. Circle up please. Come on over. Bring your chairs. Toby? Come on over. You're a guy too...sort of.

Dwight: Michael wants us to bond so we need topics for conversation.
Jim: Ponies.
Dwight: No.
Ryan: How about rainbows?
Dwight: No.
Jim: Flowers.
Dwight: No.
Ryan: Makeup.

Michael: We are going to learn how a warehouse works. Oh, I think this is going to work out great. Because managing the warehouse is a very important part of my job and I haven’t been there in months.

Read the episode recap for The Office Boys and Girls

Valentine's Day

Michael: Everybody takes the subway in New York. It's fast, it's efficient, gets you there on time, it's a way to...ok. There's a guy pooping in a cardboard box down there.

Jim: So I broke up with Katie, and I haven't been dating anybody else so this year I don't have to worry about Valentine's Day. It's gonna be good. I invited a couple friends over. We're gonna play some cards. And I'll end up winning a lot of money because...they're idiots. It's gonna be great.

(In the breakroom, Jim and Kelly talking about Kelly's recent hook-up with Ryan)
Kelly: I don't know what he's thinking, but I would be just so psyched if we dated forever.
Jim: I'd take it slow, 'cause it seems like a lot of the time, things like that need- (Enter Ryan)
Ryan: (pointing at the machine) Soda.
Kelly: Cool...Hey, so, do you want to do something tonight, or...
Jim: (Looking away from Kelly and to his Cooler Ranch Dorito) Oh... no. Not while I'm here...

(Roy enters and approaches reception)
Roy: Hey, babe. You uh...almost ready to go?
Pam: I guess.
Roy: What's wrong?
Pam: Nothing. It's just, I had to sit here all day while Phyllis had, like, an entire garden delivered to her.
Roy: What, you're mad at me?
Pam: I mean, I know we said, "no big gifts," but I was kind of hoping you'd get me something for Valentine's Day.
Roy: Well, Valentine's Day isn't over. Let's get you home, and you are going to get the best sex of your life.

Read the episode recap for The Office Valentine's Day

Dwight's Speech

Jim: Dwight was the top salesman of the year at our company. He wins a little prize money and gets honored at some convention. It is literally the highest honor that a Northeastern Pennsylvania-based mid-sized paper company regional salesman can attain, so…

Kevin: I always set it at 69.

Ryan: Jim has worked at the same place for five years. Jim eats the same ham and cheese sandwich everyday for lunch. I don’t know. If I were a betting man, I’d say he will have a fun weekend in Philadelphia.

Dwight: This isn't working. I am not nervous in front of these people because they are my subbordinates.

Jim: You gotta wave your arms and you gotta bang your fists!

Michael: Pam, I'm public speaking. Stop public-interrupting me.

Michael: What's the difference between a salesman and a saleswoman?
Dwight: A saleswoman has a vagina.

Michael Dwight gave a great speech. That's the word on the street, anyway. And I entertained Dwight to no end with my bar stories - so I captivated the guy who captivated a thousand guys. Can you believe that? a thousand guys.

Dwight’s Speech
Dwight: Blood alone moves the wheels of history! Have you ever asked yourselves in an hour of meditation, which everyone finds during the day, how long we have been striving for greatness? Not only the years we’ve been at war … the war of work. But from the moment, as a child, and we realized that the world could be conquered. It has been a lifetime struggle, a never-ending fight, I say to you. And you will understand that it is a privilege to fight! We are warriors! Salesmen of Northeastern Pennsylvania, I ask you, once more rise and be worthy of this historical hour! Maniacal laughter Yes! Yes!
No revolution is worth anything unless it can defend itself! Some people will tell you “salesman” is a bad word. They’ll conjure up images of used car dealers and door-to-door charlatans. This is our duty to change their perception. I say, salesmen … and women … of the world, unite! We must never acquiesce, for it is together, together, that we prevail! We must never cede control of the motherland for it is…
Audience: Together that we prevail!

Read the episode recap for The Office Dwight's Speech

Take Your Daughter To Work Day

Michael: I don’t get why parents are always complaining about how tough it is to raise kids. You joke around with them, you give them pizza, you give them candy, you let them live their lives. They’re adults for God’s sake.

Pam: I am not great with kids but I want to get better because I am getting married. So I put out extra candy on my desk so the kids will come talk to me. Like the witch in Hansel & Gretel.

Michael Oh, I have the perfect screenname! LittleKidLover.

Michael: Hi children. I'm Michael Scott, and I am in charge of this place. do I make you understand... I am like Superman, and the people who work here are like citizens of Gotham City.
Jim and Dwight: That's Batman.
Michael: Ok, I'm Aquaman. Where does he live guys?
Jim: The ocean.
Michael: I work with a bunch of nerds.

Ryan: Kelly and I both agreed that we would just have fun, and I'm learning that "fun" for Kelly is getting married and having babies... immediately.... With me.

Read the episode recap for The Office Take Your Daughter To Work Day

Michael's Birthday

Pam: If I knew that I had a week to live, I would proably go to Europe. And South America. And the Grand Canyon. And I would want to see the Pacific Ocean. It would be a pretty busy week.

Dwight: Why tip someone for a job I'm capable of doing myself? I can deliver food. I can drive a taxi. I can and do cut my own hair. I did however tip my urologist, because, I am unable to pulverise my own kidney stones.

Dwight: Where have you been? And don't say the bathroom cause I kicked in all the stalls.

Toby: Who brought in donuts?
Michael: Somebody got donuts for my birthday.
Toby: Happy birthday.
Michael: You didn't know it was my birthday.
Toby: I guess I forgot.
Michael: Well, I guess I forgot to give you a donut.

Dwight: Michael! Michael! Come here, come here! Listen up everyone. It is 11:23 exactly. The exact moment when you emerged from your mother's vaginal canal.

Michael: Hey Pam, all this stuff with Kevin is pretty scary. I was thinking that next time you're in the shower you should check yourself out. Those things are ticking time bags.

Kelly: I never really thought about death until Princess Diana died. That was the saddest funeral ever. That and my sister's.

Read the episode recap for The Office Michael's Birthday

Drug Testing

Dwight: How many orange traffic cones do you have?
Security Guard: Two.
Dwight: Oh God.

Jim You look cute today, Dwight.
Dwight Thanks, girl.

Dwight: I like the people I work with generally, with four exceptions. But someone commited a crime, and I did not become a Lackawanna County Volunteer Sheriff's Deputy to make friends...and by the way, I haven't.

Michael: Look at the person to the left of you. Now look at the person to your right. One of those people will be dead from drug use at some point in their lives.

Dwight It has to be official and it has to be urine.

Pam: Jim is not allowed to talk until he buys me a Coke. Those are the rules of Jinx and they're unflinchingly rigid.

Ryan: I don't think Michael's ever done drugs. I don't know if anyone's ever offered him any.

Michael: Dwight, dude, you gotta take a chill pill. You're totally harshing the office mellow!

Dwight: You might remember my urine.
Linda: We test a lot of urine.
Dwight: Mine was green.

Read the episode recap for The Office Drug Testing

Conflict Resolution

Oscar: I'd say if Jesus saw that, he'd freak out! He'd freak out, Toby!

Dwight: I never smile if I can help it.... Showing one's teeth is a submission signal in primates. When someone smiles at me, all I see is a chimpanzee begging for its life.

Toby: Every Friday at 4, I have a standing appointment with Dwight for him to file a grievance against Jim. I tell him that I'm sending them to a special file in New York. That box is the special file in New York.

Pam: Hey, thanks for ratting me out.
Angela: I didn't do it!
Pam: I find that hard to believe considering you have problems with every single person in this entire office except Bobblehead Joe.

Dwight I am not a security threat and my middle name is Kurt, not Fart.

Michael: Kevin, you are accused of making sexually suggestive remarks to Angela that make her uncomfortable. Solution: Angela, you are to make sexually suggestive remarks to Kevin that make him uncomfortable.
Kevin: I accept your decision.

Michael: Here is a Kelly complaint. Ryan never returns my calls. Well, join the club.

Dwight: ID badges are long overdue. Security in this office park is a joke. Last year, I came to work with my spud gun in a duffel bag. I sat at my desk all day with a rifle that shoots potatoes at sixty pounds per square inch. Can you imagine if I was deranged?

Jim: What does Roy think about everything?
Pam: I don't know. I try not to bother him about this kind of stuff.
Jim: You mean, like, your thoughts and feelings?
Pam: Yeah.

Read the episode recap for The Office Conflict Resolution

Casino Night

Pam: It's a nice tux.
Dwight: I know! It belonged to my grandfather. He was buried in it... so, family heirloom.

Michael: Comedy's very much are homeless people.

Kelly: Kobe Bryant has a foundation and he is so hot. And he gave his wife the biggest diamond ring. I know he didn't do it.....Maybe he did it.

Michael: Jan and I understand each other. The romance thing is sort of on hold for the time being, but we're, we remain good friends. Good friends with privileges - not now, someday.

Ryan: One beer, and one Seven and Seven with eight maraschino cherries, sugar on the rim, blended if you can.
Jim: So that's still going on, huh, you and Kelly?

Toby: I don't really play cards, but I'm not going to lie to you. It felt really good to take money from Michael. I'm gonna chase that feeling.

Michael: AIDS is not funny. Believe me, I have tried.

Jim: I was just um... I'm in love with you.
Pam: What?
Jim: I'm really sorry if that's weird for you to hear but I needed you to... hear it. Probably not good timing. I know that... I just.
Pam: What are you doing? What do you expect me to say to that?
Jim: I just needed you to know... once.

Michael (to Toby): Why are you the way that you are?

Michael: Old friends, new lovers and the disabled! Welcome all!

Read the episode recap for The Office Casino Night

Great Quotes From All Episodes

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