Drug Testing - The Office (Season 2, Episode 20)

Original Air Date: April 27, 2006

On his way into work, Dwight finds a partial joint in the parking lot. He puts on his volunteer sheriff's uniform and goes to investigate. He begins by questioning all of his co-workers. (He explains that he has to question Angela to make it not look suspicious. Michael tells him to relax and calls him a narc.

In the breakroom, Pam urges Jim to do his impressions of the other employees. They both did their impression of Stanley at the same time and Pam calls "jinx". Of course this means that Jim can't talk until he buys Pam a coke. The cokes were sold out.

Dwights announces that he has called in drug testers to find the owner of the joint. Michael quickly cancels the order because the night before he inhaled pot smoke at an Alicia Keys concert. He was afraid he would not pass the test.

Anxiously wanting to teach his employees about the dangers of drug use, Michael calls a meeting in the conference room.

When Michael confesses his fears about the drug test to Dwight, Dwight immediately steps up and takes the test for Michael. Feeling guilty about the deceit, Dwight turned in his resignation to the Sheriff's Department. Because of the gesture, Michael dawned Dwight with the title of Security Supervisor of the branch.

Pam broke down and bought a coke for Jim to buy from her so he could start talking again. She told him she couldn't go the whole day without being able to talk to him, especially a day when Dwight was in a cop's uniform.

Best Funny Quotes From The Office - Drug Testing

Photo of Dwight Schrute
Kevin Malone, you’re next. Spit that out. Kevin shoves the rest of the donut he’s eating into his mouth Spit… Okay, come on, let’s go.

You look cute today, Dwight.
Photo of Jim Halpert
Photo of Dwight Schrute
Thanks, girl.

So, yesterday Dwight found half a joint in the parking lot. Which is unfortunate because as it turns out, Dwight finding drugs is more dangerous than most people using drugs.
Photo of Jim Halpert

Photo of Dwight Schrute
Let’s go over some of the symptoms of marijuana use, shall we? You tell me who this sounds like: slow moving, inattentive, dull, constantly snacking, shows a lack of motivation.
nods Hey…
Photo of Kevin Malone

Photo of Dwight Schrute
I like the people I work with generally, with four exceptions. But someone committed a crime and I did not become a Lackawanna County Volunteer Sheriff’s deputy to make friends. And by the way, I haven’t.

mimicking Stanley I enjoy the tangy zip of Miracle Whip.
Photo of Jim Halpert
Photo of Pam Beesley
laughs Jim does the best impressions. Sometimes he’ll look up at me from his desk and he’ll just be someone else. Like he’ll go um, makes mournful face, giggles that’s supposed to be Phyllis. I can’t do it as good as he can.

And the guys are saying, chug, chug, chug, but I’m so small and all I’d eaten that day was one of those Auntie Anne pretzels from the food court so I said “Is it okay if I sip it?” and they said no, but Ryan seemed cool either way.
Photo of Kelly Kapoor
Photo of Dwight Schrute
Stop! This is not Kelly Kapoor story hour. Illegal drugs were consumed on company property, okay? Your ass is on the line, mister! My ass is is on the line! Now I’m going to ask you again. What time did you go home last night?
Six.
Photo of Kelly Kapoor

Photo of Dwight Schrute
I didn’t know that you were at a party on Saturday night.
I go to a lot of parties.
Photo of Ryan
Photo of Dwight Schrute
Okay, I’m gonna need to search your car. Give me you keys.
I am not giving you my keys.
Photo of Ryan
Photo of Dwight Schrute
Don’t make me do this the hard way.
What’s the hard way?
Photo of Ryan
Photo of Dwight Schrute
I go down to the police station on my lunch break. I tell a police officer, I know several, what I suspect you may have in your car. He requests a hearing from a judge and obtains a search warrant, once he has said warrant, he will drive over here, and make you give him the keys to your car, and you will have to obey him.
Yeah, let’s do it that way.
Photo of Ryan
Photo of Michael Scott
Ry, is he bugging you? Dwight, dude, you gotta take a chill pill, man. It was one joint in the parking lot. You know, you’re totally harshing the office mellow.
I can’t stop this investigation. It is my job.
Photo of Dwight Schrute
Photo of Jim Halpert
Whoa. You are a volunteer.
I volunteered for this job.
Photo of Dwight Schrute
Photo of Jim Halpert
And that’s not the same.
It is my duty…
Photo of Dwight Schrute
Photo of Jim Halpert
interrupting Volunteer duty.
…to investigate the crime scene. I have six more interviews to go and then I will reveal what I know.
Photo of Dwight Schrute
Photo of Michael Scott
fake coughing Narc!
giggling
Photo of Kevin Malone
Photo of Dwight Schrute
If you are attempting to compliment me then you have done a very good job.
I wasn’t attempting to compliment you.
Photo of Michael Scott
Photo of Dwight Schrute
Well, you have…
Uuf, well…
Photo of Michael Scott
Photo of Dwight Schrute
…because being a narc is one of the hardest jobs that you can have…
shakes head Okay…
Photo of Michael Scott
Photo of Dwight Schrute
…and I am very proud of being a narc.
Why don’t you just cool it, cool it Dwight, please, God! to Jim Dude, where’s my office? Jim quietly laughs I totally lost it, ’cause I was half-baked. Smokin’ doobies. Doobie brothers, I was smokin’ doobies with my brothers. Peace out, Seacrest!
Photo of Michael Scott
Photo of Jim Halpert
Well, your office is behind you.
Thanks. M-m-munchies. Who wants some munchies?
Photo of Michael Scott

Photo of Ryan
I don’t think Michael’s ever done drugs. I don’t know if anyone has ever offered him any.

Oscar visited Mexico when he was five to attend his great-grandmother’s funeral. What does that mean to a United States law enforcement officer? He’s a potential drug mule.
Photo of Dwight Schrute

Photo of Dwight Schrute
Have you ever taken any illegal drugs?
No, I have not.
Photo of Oscar Martinez
Photo of Dwight Schrute
Do you think it’s possible that maybe you could have had some drugs in your system without you knowing about it?
What are you implying?
Photo of Oscar Martinez
Photo of Dwight Schrute
Have you ever… pooped… a balloon?
Okay. I’m done with this.
Photo of Oscar Martinez
Photo of Dwight Schrute
He sure left in a hurry.

I don’t want to blow this. This is what all good law enforcement officers dream of. The chance to solve an actual crime.
Photo of Dwight Schrute

Photo of Dwight Schrute
Do you know what this is? pushing a photo toward her
Yes, it’s marijuana.
Photo of Phyllis
Photo of Dwight Schrute
How do you know that?
It’s labeled.
Photo of Phyllis
Photo of Dwight Schrute
grabs pictures back and looks at it Dammit.

That is Northern Lights Cannabis Indica.
Photo of Creed Bratton
Photo of Dwight Schrute
No, it’s marijuana.

I’m just saying that you can’t be sure that is wasn’t you.
Photo of Jim Halpert
Photo of Dwight Schrute
That’s ridiculous, of course it wasn’t me.
Marijuana is a memory loss drug, so maybe you just don’t remember.
Photo of Jim Halpert
Photo of Dwight Schrute
I would remember.
Well, how could you, if it just erased your memory?
Photo of Jim Halpert
Photo of Dwight Schrute
That’s not how it works.
Now how do you know how it works?
Photo of Jim Halpert
Photo of Dwight Schrute
Knock it off, okay, I’m interviewing you.
No! You said that I’d be conducting the interview when I walked in here. Now exactly how much pot did you smoke?
Photo of Jim Halpert
Photo of Dwight Schrute
opens eyes wide in total surprise

So Pam told me that you do a great Stanley impression, I’d love to hear it.
Photo of Oscar Martinez
Photo of Jim Halpert
Oh, um…mimicking Stanley Why do you keep CC’ing me on things that have nothing to do with me? Pam and Oscar laugh, Stanley walks in, and Oscar leaves quickly
Is that supposed to be me?
Photo of Stanley Hudson
Photo of Jim Halpert
Oh, hey Stanley. Uh, I was just doing an impression.
I do not think that is funny.
Photo of Stanley Hudson
Photo of Pam Beesley
He does everyone in the office.
Hmmmpt.
Photo of Stanley Hudson
Photo of Jim and Pam
in unison I do not think that is funny.
Jinx! Buy me a coke.
Photo of Pam Beesley
Photo of Jim Halpert
Oh…
No, no, no, no talking. Jim is not allowed to talk until after he buys me a coke. Those are the rules of jinx, and they are unflinchingly rigid. Jim puts money in drink machine, selection is sold out
Photo of Pam Beesley
Photo of Pam Beesley
Sold out? That has never happened in the history of jinx.
mouths C’mon!
Photo of Jim Halpert
Photo of Pam Beesley
Sorry, that’s not my problem.
presses drink button, looks at camera, makes Jim-face
Photo of Jim Halpert

Photo of Dwight Schrute
I know you’re innocent, but I can’t look like I’m treating you any differently.
I understand.
Photo of Angela Martin
Photo of Dwight Schrute
Where were you yesterday after work?
smiles knowingly
Photo of Angela Martin

Photo of Michael Scott
Uh-oh. Uh-oh. Who’s he calling? Ratting somebody out. Narc! Narc! Kevin?
That is so good, Michael
Photo of Kevin Malone
Photo of Michael Scott
Remember the narc bit? laughs Uh-oh, who’s in trouble?

Attention everyone. Drug testers are coming in a couple of hours to test everyone’s urine.
Photo of Dwight Schrute
Photo of Michael Scott
Waa… what? What are you talking about?
Company policy. If drugs are found on the premises there is automatic drug testing conducted within twenty-four hours.
Photo of Dwight Schrute
Photo of Oscar Martinez
Is that true, Toby?
Oh, when you sign your job application you agree to comply with random drug testing.
Photo of Toby Flenderson

Photo of Michael Scott
Two nights ago, I went to an Alicia Keys concert at the Montage Mountain Performing Arts Center. I scored these great aisle seats. Anyway, after the opening act this beautiful girl sits down next to me and I never get to meet girls with lip rings and she had one. I don’t know exactly how this happened but one of her friends started passing around some stuff and they said it was clove cigarettes, and I’m sure that it was clove cigarettes. Everybody in the aisle was doing it.

Okay, attention everyone the drug testing has been cancelled. Instead, I will be going around to each of you and doing a visual inspection.
Photo of Michael Scott
Photo of Dwight Schrute
No you can’t do that.
I can do that, it is my office.
Photo of Michael Scott
Photo of Dwight Schrute
No you cannot. It has to be official, and it has to be urine.
Hmmm. Ha. under his breath Alright. Great.
Photo of Michael Scott

Photo of Dwight Schrute
Kevin, what prescription drugs are you taking, besides Rogaine?
I’m not taking Rogaine.
Photo of Kevin Malone
Photo of Dwight Schrute
Angela, what about you?
I don’t take any prescription drugs.
Photo of Angela Martin
Photo of Dwight Schrute
You’re not on anything?
Gives Dwight a knowing look
Photo of Angela Martin
Photo of Dwight Schrute
Good.

So the first time we went out to dinner, it was like, whatever, fine, but I was so nervous. So this time I wanted to be special, so I bought a new dress! Jim hunches his shoulders and grins One of those kinds that is kinda low cut at top to show something, but not everything. Jim shakes his head no in agreement I mean not everything, Jim. Jim shakes his head in agreement I promise, I’m not that kind of…
Photo of Kelly Kapoor
Photo of Pam Beesley
Hey guys, what’s going on?
We’re having the best conversation. Jim, eyes wide, shakes his head, no
Photo of Kelly Kapoor
Photo of Pam Beesley
Oh, okay. Well, Michael wants to see everyone in the conference room. Jim shakes his head. Seems relieved to be getting away from Kelly But you know what? We have a few minutes so you guys should definitely finish up your conversation. Jim nods his head as if to say, “Gee, thanks, Pam.”
So, I was looking so hot…
Photo of Kelly Kapoor

Photo of Michael Scott
It has come to my attention that some people here think that the use of drugs is something to laugh about.
We don’t feel that way.
Photo of Phyllis
Photo of Angela Martin
No, not at all.
You were the one joking around calling Dwight a narc.
Photo of Oscar Martinez
Photo of Michael Scott
No, uh, no. That was a test. I was testing you, and you all failed. Miserably. When I said that Dwight was a narc, how many of you defended him? How many of you said, “Hey, you know what, he’s right? What he’s doing is protecting this office from the evils of drugs.”
Thank you, Michael.
Photo of Dwight Schrute

Photo of Michael Scott
I am ridiculously anti-drug. So anti-drug that I am above suspicion in any way that involves suspicion, or testing of any kind.

Drugs ruin lives people. Drugs destroy careers. Take Cheech and Chong everybody knows that Cheech and Chong are funny, but just imagine how funny they would be if they didn’t smoke pot. I want everybody to take a look to their left. Now I want everybody to take a look to their right. One of those people will be dead from drug use at some point in their lives. This year more people will use cocaine than will read a book to their children.
Photo of Michael Scott
Photo of Stanley Hudson
Where did you get these facts?
Are these facts scaring you, or are they not?
Photo of Michael Scott
Photo of Stanley Hudson
They are not.
Do you think that smoking drugs is cool? Do you think that doing alcohol is cool?
Photo of Michael Scott
Photo of Stanley Hudson
No, I don’t. I have a glass of red wine with dinner about once a week. For the antioxidants.
Okay, enough, enough, enough! I have written down a list of illegal drugs. Take a gander. How many of these are you familiar with?
Photo of Michael Scott
Photo of Toby Flenderson
Hookah is not an illegal drug, Michael.
Yes it is.
Photo of Michael Scott
Photo of Toby Flenderson
No it’s not. It’s a type of pipe. You can fill it with tobacco, often mixed with fruit, or other flavors.
Okay, you know what, Toby? Pam, can you take this down? Pam throws her hands up to indicate she has no notepad In addition to Toby’s urine being tested, I would like to test his blood and his hair.
Photo of Michael Scott
Photo of Toby Flenderson
You can’t do that.
I can test anyone randomly, and I have chosen you randomly.
Photo of Michael Scott
Photo of Toby Flenderson
That’s not random.
Okay, eeny, meenie, miney, moe, is random. Okay, you know what? I’m going to need a volunteer to select one of these words and tell us of something tragic that happened in either their lives, or the lives of a loved one. Yeah, Pam.
Photo of Michael Scott
Photo of Pam Beesley
I know that Jim has an amazing story about a relative of his who got caught up in the world of drugs.
Really? Jim shakes his head no
Photo of Michael Scott
Photo of Pam Beesley
Uh, hmmm.
Jim it’s okay. You can t… Jim looks at Pam and shakes his head, Pam looks at him and gestures for Jim to go up and tell his story This would be a good place to let it out, Jim. These are people you can trust. These are people who care about you. Jim shakes his head no It’s okay, just we will not judge you. We are here to not judge you. Jim stands up Oh, he’s doing it, okay. Jim looks at Pam It’s okay. Jim pretends to try, looking teary eyed, shakes his head no, mouths “I can’t” and sits back down. Pam is amazed. Oh. Okay, are you sure? Jim shakes his head. Kevin pats his shoulder That looked like it was going to be good. Alright. Pam nods in admiration at Jim Okay, well.
Photo of Michael Scott

Photo of Pam Beesley
Wow! He really pulled out the big guns. Fake crying. Did not expect that.

The point I’m trying to make with all of this people is that I hate drugs. I hate them, and based upon what I have seen you all don’t quite hate ’em as much as I do so you are going to have a drug test, and I am not.
Photo of Michael Scott
Photo of Dwight Schrute
No, you will be tested.
Yes, I will not be.
Photo of Michael Scott
Photo of Dwight Schrute
You will be. That is the law according to the rules.
Okay, well Dwight just know that I’ve been very busy today and I got a lot of work to do and I wasn’t planning on going to the bathroom and I don’t even know if anything is going to come out, okay? So good. Thank you.
Photo of Michael Scott

Photo of Dwight Schrute
Hi, Linda. Dwight Schrute, Assistant Regional Manager. You might remember testing my urine a few years back when I was applying to be a volunteer sheriff’s deputy.
We test a lot of urine.
Photo of Linda
Photo of Dwight Schrute
Mine was green.
Oh, right. How are you?
Photo of Linda
Photo of Dwight Schrute
I’m all better.

So I need you to do some work on the St. Andrews account. I need your urine. I need some filing done.
Photo of Michael Scott
Photo of Dwight Schrute
What kind of filing?
Just forget it. Just the urine.
Photo of Michael Scott
Photo of Dwight Schrute
That goes directly to the tester.
Just. I need your urine.
Photo of Michael Scott
Photo of Dwight Schrute
Like in a cup?
Yes in a cup, we’re not animals, Dwight.
Photo of Michael Scott
Photo of Dwight Schrute
For what purpose?
It’s none of your business.
Photo of Michael Scott
Photo of Dwight Schrute
Then I refuse.
Okay. Alright. Just, I went to an Alicia Keys concert, over the weekend, and I think I may have gotten high accidentally by a girl with a lip ring.
Photo of Michael Scott
Photo of Dwight Schrute
Are you serious?
I need clean urine for the lady.
Photo of Michael Scott
Photo of Dwight Schrute
But that’s illegal.
Don’t think of it that way. It’s like, urine goes all over the place. You know, there’s no controlling it. It just… goes
Photo of Michael Scott
Photo of Dwight Schrute
Not my urine.
A cup could find its way under the urine. It might be an accident. It happens.
Photo of Michael Scott
Photo of Dwight Schrute
Were you forced to do drugs at this concert?
No, just look. Look. Just… just fill up the cup.
Photo of Michael Scott

Photo of Angela Martin
Do you want to give Michael your urine?
I want him to have all the urine he needs.
Photo of Dwight Schrute
Photo of Angela Martin
You’re not going to get my permission on this.
I know that. Don’t you think I know that?
Photo of Dwight Schrute

Photo of Linda
Yeah, we do testing all over the country.
Cool. Hey, are you guys hiring?
Photo of Ryan
Photo of Linda
You want to work at the urinalysis lab?
Yeah. Maybe.
Photo of Ryan

Photo of Dwight Schrute
My father’s name was Dwight Schrute. My grandfather’s name was Dwight Schrute. His father’s name Dwide Schrude. Amish. I loved my father very much. Every morning he’d wake up at dawn and make us biscuits with gravy. When I was little my dad and I played a lot of games together. My dad cheated a lot but I never busted him on it. I would have, except I didn’t know about it. He didn’t tell me till years later. I was shocked when I found out.

What? Jim shakes his head Did you want to tell me something? You look like you want to tell me something. Jim shakes his head no You look like you have something really important to say and you just can’t for some reason. Jim smiles Come on, you can tell me. Jim, you can tell me anything. Jim stops smiling and looks down. Pam wonders what that means
Photo of Pam Beesley

Photo of Kevin Malone
I’d like a magazine.
We just need urine, sir.
Photo of Linda
Photo of Kevin Malone
I’d still like one.

Dwight. Well, I passed the test thanks to you and your untainted pee. Thank you very much.
Photo of Michael Scott
Photo of Dwight Schrute
That’s great.
What’s wrong? Where’s your costume?
Photo of Michael Scott
Photo of Dwight Schrute
It’s a uniform and I turned it in today when I tendered my resignation.
Why? Wha…
Photo of Michael Scott
Photo of Dwight Schrute
I took an oath when I was sworn in and I broke that oath today.

placing a coke can in front of Jim Here. Jim looks confused Just buy it from me. I haven’t talked to you in hours and it’s been weird and I really want to know what the hell’s going on with Dwight. Pam scoots the coke can towards Jim. Jim pulls out his wallet and hands Pam a dollar. He gives the coke back to Pam
Photo of Pam Beesley
Photo of Jim Halpert
Hi.
Hey.
Photo of Pam Beesley
Photo of Jim Halpert
How much time do you have left on your break?
Ten minutes.
Photo of Pam Beesley

Photo of Michael Scott
Since you did such a good job with the investigation, I decided to pull a few strings. Call in a few favors. and I’ve decided to make you official security supervisor of the branch.
Really?
Photo of Dwight Schrute
Photo of Michael Scott
Yes, sir.
That’s fantastic because I’ve always felt that the security here sucked .
Photo of Dwight Schrute
Photo of Michael Scott
So you wanna? Thanks.
Dwight K. Schrute, I hereby declare you an honorary voluntary corporal in charge of assisting all activities security.
Photo of Hank
Photo of Michael Scott
Okay.
Here’s your badge.
Photo of Hank
Photo of Dwight Schrute
Thank you, Michael. Very nice. Great. To Hank Can I have a gun?
No, I don’t have a gun.
Photo of Hank
Photo of Dwight Schrute
Okay, I’ll have to bring in my bow staff.
I don’t think so.
Photo of Hank
Photo of Michael Scott
Good.
salutes Thank you, Michael.
Photo of Dwight Schrute
Photo of Michael Scott
No. Oh. Uh…awkwardly salutes
I need to go over some details with you.
Photo of Dwight Schrute
Photo of Michael Scott
Alright. to Hank Well, Thank you.
First of all, Hank, how many orange traffic cones do you have?
Photo of Dwight Schrute
Photo of Hank
Two.
Oh, God.
Photo of Dwight Schrute

Photo of Jim Halpert
Wow. What a terrible day to not be able to talk. Dwight was literally carrying around his own urine and dressed like one of the Village People. Why does he do the things that he does for Michael? I just don’t get it. What is he getting out of that relationship?

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