Back From Vacation - The Office (Season 3, Episode 12)

Original Air Date: January 4, 2007

Michael returns from vacation in a very chipper mood. He brings everyone into the conference room to show some pictures and explain his new attitude toward business: No Shoes, No Shirt, No Problem.

Pam notices that Jan is one of the pictures, a racey one. Michael admits to the camera that they went together and had lots of sex. He doesn't stop there. He calls his friend Packer and tells him, then emails him the picture as proof.

However instead of sending it to Packer, he sends it to packaging (Darrell in the warehouse). And it gets forwarded all over like a hot potatoe.

Jan arrives none to thrilled with Michael. She pretends she was visiting relatives in Scottsdale not with Michael.

Once alone, Jan tells Michael that she is attracted to him. She doesn't know why or how. And she knows Michael is bad for her. But she still wants to be with him. She tells him to leave early and meet her at his condo so they can "be together".

Meanwhile, Karen is looking for an apartment and there is one available down the street from Jim. Jim is not thrilled with the idea and doesn't want her to move that close. He talks it over with Pam who says he needs to lighten up. So he gets an application for Karen who then goes and thanks Pam. Pam then goes and cries in the hallway.

Best Funny Quotes from Back From Vacation - The Office

Photo of Jim Halpert
All right, let’s get started. Umm… Oh, first off, we’re supposed to be pushing cardstock this week. So… let’s push cardstock this week. Uh, also… to Dwight what is this?
Tape recorder.
Photo of Dwight Schrute
Photo of Jim Halpert
For what?
For recording. Michael is on vacation and he’s asked me to record all meetings and to type up the transcripts.
Photo of Dwight Schrute
Photo of Jim Halpert
OK. Uh, Karen, any news from that law firm?
Yeah, the deal closed yesterday, it’s the six month commitment.
Photo of Karen
Photo of Jim Halpert
Oh my God, Dwight, what’re you doing?
What?
Photo of Dwight Schrute
Photo of Jim Halpert
You’re not allowed to take off your pants in the middle of the office.
I’m not.
Photo of Dwight Schrute
Photo of Jim Halpert
Dwight, you know what, just back up, okay, that’s making me uncomfortable. This is sexual harassment, by the way. Oh my God! He’s got a knife!
I do not have a knife!
Photo of Dwight Schrute
Photo of Jim Halpert
No, let the record show that Dwight K. Schrute is now completely nude and is holding a plastic knife to Stanley’s neck?!
leans into tape recorder Let the record show that Jim Halpert is a liar!
Photo of Dwight Schrute
Photo of Jim Halpert
picks up tape recorder and speaks into it Dwight Schrute is now wearing a baby’s bonnet.
Give me it. I am not.
Photo of Dwight Schrute
Photo of Phyllis
Oh, Jim Carrey just walked in! Dwight, get his autograph for Michael quickly…
Jim Carrey did not just walk in, OK.
Photo of Dwight Schrute
Photo of Karen
Dwight, what is that on your stomach? Is that a Muppet Babies tattoo?
Oh my God, Karen, you’re right, that is Animal from the Muppet Babies.
Photo of Jim Halpert
Photo of Dwight Schrute
You can’t see… You can’t see my stomach.
I am now chopping off Phyllis’ head with a chainsaw! … Rin-in-in-in-in-in!
Photo of Andy Bernard

Photo of Michael Scott
Hey, mon!
Hey. You have a bunch of messages and… sees Michael shaking head with beads in hair that’s nice. Hannah quit while you were gone. I guess she memo-ed to file some complaints she had about being a working mother? And so you might also have to be deposed.
Photo of Pam Beesley
Photo of Michael Scott
Blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah. Relax.
OK.
Photo of Pam Beesley
Photo of Michael Scott
Just relax, OK? I’ll get to all of it later.
It’s kind of serious.
Photo of Pam Beesley
Photo of Michael Scott
Aren’t you going to ask me how Jamaica was? Say it. Ask me.
How was Jamaica?
Photo of Pam Beesley
Photo of Michael Scott
It was so good. Oh, Hey mon! At Sandals, Jamaica, when somebody says “Hey mon,” everybody says “Hey mon” back.
Oh, Michael, I’m glad you’re here.
Photo of Stanley Hudson
Photo of Michael Scott
Stanley. You know what? It is really good to see you, too.
My bonus check was a hundred dollars less than you promised.
Photo of Stanley Hudson
Photo of Michael Scott
OK, well payroll is in charge of all that.
They said I should talk to you.
Photo of Stanley Hudson
Photo of Michael Scott
Well, I am just getting settled in. So, I’m gonna…
I am not doing a lick more work until I get my full bonus check.
Photo of Stanley Hudson
Photo of Michael Scott
You are not as much fun as your Jamaican brothers… mon.

You want to talk about it?
Photo of Jim Halpert
Photo of Karen
Nope.

I still haven’t found an apartment yet. I’m living in a hotel. Yesterday, I saw a “for rent” sign down the street from Jim and he said he didn’t think it’d be such a good idea. He said it would be like we were living together. In different houses. Two blocks away.
Photo of Karen

Photo of Michael Scott
Feelin’ hot, hot, hot! playing conch shell Feelin’ hot, hot, hot! Feelin’ hot, hot, hot! Feelin’ hot, hot, hot! That’s all I know so far, but I’m gonna keep practicing.
That’s good. Michael continues to play conch shell
Photo of Pam Beesley
Photo of Michael Scott
You know, I had never been out of the country before now?
Huh.
Photo of Pam Beesley
Photo of Michael Scott
Got to see how Jamaicans live. It is great, you know. They just relax, they party all the time.
It’s kind of an impoverished country.
Photo of Pam Beesley
Photo of Michael Scott
Yeah… Gosh. Great. You know what, Pam? Make a note. I want us all to start having pina coladas every day at three.
But you can’t today, we’re doing inventory.
Photo of Pam Beesley
Photo of Michael Scott
Inventory’s at the end of December.
We couldn’t do it without you, so we postponed.
Photo of Pam Beesley
Photo of Michael Scott
I specifically went on vacation so I would miss it.

Inventory is boring. In the islands, they don’t make you do stuff like take inventory. Why do you think so many businesses move to the Caymans?
Photo of Michael Scott

Photo of Michael Scott
Tonight, we are going to have an inventory luau. I want to bring back a little slice of paradise to the Dunder Mifflin warehouse inventory. So, Party Planning Committee, get on it.
By the end of the day? That’s impossible.
Photo of Angela Martin
Photo of Michael Scott
The Jamaicans don’t have a word for “impossible.”
Yep, it’s English, it’s “impossible.”
Photo of Jim Halpert
Photo of Angela Martin
Michael, there’s no way we can do it in time.

How hard is a luau? All you need are some grass skirts, pineapple, poi, tiki torches, suckling pig, some fire dancers. That’s all you need.
Photo of Michael Scott

Photo of Michael Scott
Come on in. Settle in. Settling. Settling… and settled. Good, there is something I would like to show everybody. See this sign? points to a TV monitor of a picture from Jamaica and reads “No Shirt, No Shoes, No Problem.” This is an attitude I would like all of you to have right here. So what, if we have to stay late to do inventory? No problem.
Oh my God. Is that Jan? points to same monitor
Photo of Pam Beesley
Photo of Everybody
What? Where?
On the left.
Photo of Pam Beesley
Photo of Everybody
Oh yeah, oh my God.
No, no, no. No, that’s a German woman named Urkel Grue.
Photo of Michael Scott

Photo of Michael Scott
Jan told me to play it cool and not tell anybody because it can get us both in trouble. So officially, I did not see her. But I did see Jan there. In our room. At night. And in the morning. That’s all I’m gonna say. Sex. We had sex. I had sex with her. I had sex with Jan.

on phone Hey dude. I just got back from Jamaica.
Photo of Michael Scott
Photo of Packer
Big whoop! I was in Hot-lanta. That whole town is whacked.
Yeah, that sounds amazing. You know what? The lady Jan Levinson wanted to go to Montego Bay.
Photo of Michael Scott
Photo of Packer
You took the ice queen? I don’t buy it.
Well I’m looking at a photo, right now. And I’m telling ‘ya, could be in Maxim.
Photo of Michael Scott
Photo of Packer
They wouldn’t give you a subscription to Maxim.
Oh no?
Photo of Michael Scott
Photo of Packer
No.
OK. Well, check this out. I am sending you some email. You got it?
Photo of Michael Scott
Photo of Packer
Well, no. I got nothing.
Check it again. Hit refresh.
Photo of Michael Scott
Photo of Packer
Yeah, Mike, still nothing.
OK, wait a second. I sent it to you at… reading computer screen Packer@DunderMifflin.com Packaging@DunderMifflin.com. Uh oh.
Photo of Michael Scott
Photo of Packer
Wait, I just got it from somebody else. Wow. This is hot. Damn! How do I get you out of this picture?

Darryl?! Hey. Hi. Where’s Darryl?
Photo of Michael Scott
Photo of Roy
He’s in the office.
OK, Hey, man, how’s it going?
Photo of Michael Scott
Photo of Darryl Phylbin
All right, what’s up Mike?
That’s great, OK. Um, so did you get an email from me?
Photo of Michael Scott
Photo of Darryl Phylbin
Yup.
OK. Well, that was supposed to go to Packer, not “packaging.” Did you already, um, forward to a whole bunch of people?
Photo of Michael Scott
Photo of Darryl Phylbin
Uh huh.
OK. Um, well, did you get the second email that I sent? Explaining that the first email was a mistake and that you should delete it.
Photo of Michael Scott
Photo of Darryl Phylbin
Yup.
And you sent that out to everyone?
Photo of Michael Scott
Photo of Darryl Phylbin
Mike, I’m very busy down here. eats chicken

Yikes.
Photo of Jim Halpert
Photo of Kevin Malone
Already sent it to you my friend.
Fantastic.
Photo of Jim Halpert
Photo of Andy Bernard
Boring. Call me if she rolls over.

Hey.
Photo of Pam Beesley
Photo of Jim Halpert
Hey.
You OK?
Photo of Pam Beesley
Photo of Jim Halpert
Yeah.
You sure?
Photo of Pam Beesley
Photo of Jim Halpert
Yeah. Yes. Um, I’m just in this, like, stupid fight with Karen.
Oh. You want to talk about it?
Photo of Pam Beesley
Photo of Jim Halpert
Really?

I have a special assignment for you.
Photo of Michael Scott
Photo of Dwight Schrute
Who’s the target?
A sensitive email has been released to the office. It contains a file, a picture. The file name is “Jamaican Jan Sun Princess.”
Photo of Michael Scott
Photo of Dwight Schrute
What’s it of?
Not important.
Photo of Michael Scott
Photo of Dwight Schrute
Unless you’re willing to tell me everything, I cannot accept this assignment.
OK, forget it.
Photo of Michael Scott
Photo of Dwight Schrute
OK, I accept it.

So, I dunno, I just feel likes we’ve been dating a month, right? Same street. I think that might be a little close. A little much.
Photo of Jim Halpert
Photo of Pam Beesley
Hmm.
Hmm, what?
Photo of Jim Halpert
Photo of Pam Beesley
How far away does she live now, like ten minutes?
Yeah, I guess.
Photo of Jim Halpert
Photo of Pam Beesley
Honestly, I think you should go easy on her.

No, I didn’t mind helping Jim with his problem. That’s what friends do. I help Phyllis all the time. Just yesterday, I untangled a piece of tape from her hair. So, yeah.
Photo of Pam Beesley

Photo of Jim Halpert
Hey, thanks a lot.
Oh, don’t worry about it. I mean, it’s better than listening to Michael play a conch shell… which is what I was doing. Oh, also, Michael went to Jamaica with Jan!
Photo of Pam Beesley
Photo of Jim Halpert
Oh, yeah, How have we not talked about this already? I mean what happened there? Kidnapping? both start laughing

Hey I need to talk to you right now.
Photo of Toby Flenderson
Photo of Michael Scott
Not now, not ever.
About you and Jan.
Photo of Toby Flenderson
Photo of Michael Scott
Aww, none of your business.
Wish it were true, but it, it uh, seems from that photo that you took, you’ve entered into an intimate relationship.
Photo of Toby Flenderson
Photo of Michael Scott
That photo is my personal property and if you are telling me you went on my computer and stole that photo, then I am going to call the cops.
Michael, nine different people emailed me that photo, including my ex-wife… we don’t talk now.
Photo of Toby Flenderson
Photo of Michael Scott
This is probably the icebreaker you need.
You know, for your own protection, you should disclose the relationship to HR.
Photo of Toby Flenderson
Photo of Michael Scott
I bet you would love all the details, wouldn’t you? Skeevy little perv.
All right, if you’re having a relationship with your superior, you must disclose it.
Photo of Toby Flenderson
Photo of Michael Scott
No, no, no. I am not dating Jan. She was very clear about that. Just two like souls having a romantic time in the most romantic place on earth. Got enough, weirdo?
All right, thanks Michael.
Photo of Toby Flenderson
Photo of Michael Scott
OK.

OK, we only have three hours people to plan a whole luau, and you’re not helping.
Photo of Angela Martin
Photo of Karen
What are the ingredients of poi?
I called every grocery store in Scranton, and no one sells whole pigs.
Photo of Phyllis
Photo of Angela Martin
Did you try the petting zoo?

on phone Dunder Mifflin, this is Pam. Just a second. Michael, it’s Jan on the phone for you.
Photo of Pam Beesley
Photo of Michael Scott
Oh, God, no. No, no! Hang up! Hang up! Tell her I’m not here. Tell… tell her, I ran out for cash. I hit a deer. I hit a deer with my car. Tell her I hit a cat. Tell her I hit a cat.
He’ll call you back. OK, great.
Photo of Pam Beesley
Photo of Michael Scott
She bought it? Pam nods OK. OK.
to Jim and Ryan Michael hit a deer?
Photo of Dwight Schrute

Photo of Dwight Schrute
Michael! Michael! pokes head through blinds in Michael’s office There’s an emergency in the warehouse.
There an accident? Somebody hurt?
Photo of Michael Scott
Photo of Dwight Schrute
No, it’s… involves the photograph.
Oh. God. No, no, no, no, no.
Photo of Michael Scott

Photo of Roy
starts clapping Mike, you are a rock star, man. You are the man! Well done.
All right. continued clapping and cheering for Michael
Photo of Michael Scott
Photo of Roy
That corporate booty, he likes to hit it!

Hello. Hi. Attention everyone. Um, apparently, there is an email circulating around that contains a very PG-13 rating picture of me and a woman—
Photo of Michael Scott
Photo of Kevin Malone
Jan.
No, Kevin. A woman. Maybe Jan, maybe…
Photo of Michael Scott
Photo of Jim Halpert
Urkel Grue.
My point is that, if you get it, I would ask that you just delete it. Sight unseen. Let’s be professional, all right?
Photo of Michael Scott

Photo of Michael Scott
Feelin’… feelin’ hot, hot, hot! plays conch shell
Hey.
Photo of Pam Beesley
Photo of Michael Scott
Hey.
What are you doing out here?
Photo of Pam Beesley
Photo of Michael Scott
Island living. You know?
Jan called. She’s coming in later to talk to you.
Photo of Pam Beesley
Photo of Michael Scott
Did she say what it’s about?
That’s all she said.
Photo of Pam Beesley
Photo of Andy Bernard
Ole ole – ole ole… Ole ole – ole ole. People in the party – hot hot hot playing conch shell

Uh, I think you dropped this hands over piece of paper
Photo of Jim Halpert
Photo of Karen
You sure?
Definitely.
Photo of Jim Halpert

Photo of Dwight Schrute
I have disconnected the office T1 line. I have ordered that that referring to large picture of Michael and Jan in Jamaica on the wall be taken down and destroyed all print outs from the bathroom.
There are copies in the bathroom?
Photo of Michael Scott
Photo of Dwight Schrute
There were. A lot of them.
All right.
Photo of Michael Scott

Photo of Karen
I think I owe you one.
Sorry?
Photo of Pam Beesley
Photo of Karen
For talking sense into Halpert. The Day’s Inn room 228 was starting to get really depressing.
Oh, yeah, no. Don’t worry about it. I mean, he was being ridiculous.
Photo of Pam Beesley
Photo of Karen
Yeah, but… thanks. Seriously.
Sure.
Photo of Pam Beesley

Photo of Darryl Phylbin
Oh, yes! Yes! What’d I tell you? I knew he’d turn up holds up an iPod inside speakers You see that? This is the greatest night of my life.

Who did this to you? refers to Pam crying Where is he?
Photo of Dwight Schrute
Photo of Pam Beesley
What? No, it’s not… it’s nothing.
takes off coat to tie around waist It’s hot in here.
Photo of Dwight Schrute
Photo of Pam Beesley
Yeah.
Yeah.
Photo of Dwight Schrute
Photo of Pam Beesley
Dwight hands out handkerchief Thanks. You don’t need to stay here.
I know. puts arm around Pam who continues to cry So you’re PMSing pretty bad, huh?
Photo of Dwight Schrute

Photo of Jan
Hello everyone. Hello Michael.
Guh.
Photo of Michael Scott
Photo of Kevin Malone
Hi Jan, you look… tan.
I was in Scottsdale visiting my sister.
Photo of Jan
Photo of Kevin Malone
Yeah. How was it?
Very sunny. Family’s important. Michael, I would like to speak with you, in your office.
Photo of Jan
Photo of Michael Scott
OK, yup.

Why am I here, Michael?
Photo of Jan
Photo of Michael Scott
I…
In the last year, I’ve gone through a divorce, an identity theft, a husband who would not… communicate. This is nether here or there. My psychiatrist thinks that I have some self-destructive tendencies and that for once, I should indulge them. You following me?
Photo of Jan
Photo of Michael Scott
I… I… Yes.
I think I owe it to myself to find some kind of happiness, you know? I mean, even, even if it means… lowering my expectations or, or redefining the word, itself.
Photo of Jan
Photo of Michael Scott
OK, yeah.
This is the kind of thing, you know? I am… attracted to you. I, I don’t know why, I… but, I am. And, I need to follow my instincts. At least that’s what Dr. Perry thinks.
Photo of Jan
Photo of Michael Scott
Who is Dr. Perry? I…
This is the point, OK? You’re wrong for me. In… In… every way. But I still find myself wanting to… be with you.
Photo of Jan
Photo of Michael Scott
And I, to you, in addition, feel the same feelings that you are as well.
Good, good.
Photo of Jan
Photo of Michael Scott
So, umm… thanks for coming by. So, I, uh…
Well, good, OK. Thank you… for taking the time…
Photo of Jan
Photo of Michael Scott
Well thanks for coming over, I appreciate – Jan leans over and kisses Michael passionately
Wait 15 minutes, find an excuse, and meet me at your condo.
Photo of Jan
Photo of Michael Scott
Jan, you… complete… me.
Oh, God.
Photo of Jan

Photo of Roy
Hey, remember when we were planning our honeymoon and you wanted to go to Hawaii and I wanted to go to Mexico?
Yeah.
Photo of Pam Beesley
Photo of Roy
I was definitely right. both laugh Oh, brother.

What am I going to do? Refers to large pictures of Jan and Michael I’m gonna hang it up at home. I don’t have a lot of art. smirks
Photo of Kevin Malone

Photo of Michael Scott
Jan told me to play it cool and not tell anybody because it can get us both in trouble. So officially, I did not see her. But I did see Jan there. In our room. At night. And in the morning. That’s all I’m gonna say. Sex. We had sex. I had sex with her. I had sex with Jan.
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