The Farm - The Office (Season 9, Episode 17)

Dwight informs the office that his Aunt Shirley has died. He proceeds to either invite his co-workers to his funeral or stay away via the bizarre Schrute custom of throwing certain dirt in their faces, only inviting Oscar out of spite after Oscar was secretly relieved that he wasn't going to be invited. At the funeral, Dwight's family gathers: his cousins Mose and Zeke, his brother Jeb, his sister Fannie and his nephew Cammy. When the service starts, Oscar flees when Dwight begins shooting the corpse with a shotgun to ensure it is really dead. The family learns that Aunt Shirley has willed the siblings her estate on the condition that they all come back home to run it. Despite Dwight's enthusiasm in inheriting it, Fannie and Jeb are unwilling to move back in due to the lack of sophistication farm life offers, but agree to stay for a couple of days. Dwight also bonds with Cammy, courts local farmer Esther, and later surveys the farm with his siblings.

Todd Packer visits the office and announces that he wants to make amends for his past behavior. He makes rude remarks masked as apologies and hands out store-bought cupcakes. Pam argues that they should not eat the cupcakes, to spite Packer. She remains adamant on this point even after Packer leaves, but the remaining employees eat their cupcakes. Packer reveals to the documentary crew that he spiked the cupcakes with drugs in retaliation for his firing. The next morning, Pam returns to the office and announces she is going to eat her cupcake, only to find everyone else reeling from the aftereffects of Packer's deed. Packer visits Jim and Darryl at Athlead in Philadelphia, pulling the same trick on them.

Best Funny Quotes From The Office - The Farm

as elevator door closes Hold it!
Photo of Dwight Schrute
Photo of Creed Bratton
notices something new about Dwight New glasses.

Dwight. What a ridiculous, fancy clown you are.
Photo of Erin
Photo of Dwight Schrute
I am dressed according to the Schrute codes of mourning. My aunt Shirley has died.
Oh, Dwight. I’m so sorry. Were you guys close?
Photo of Pam Beesley
Photo of Dwight Schrute
I would say that she raised me, but let’s not kid each other. I raised myself. She was, however, the closest thing I had to a mother.

My actual mother was very cold and distant. I’d say she was the closest thing I had to an aunt.
Photo of Dwight Schrute

Photo of Jim Halpert
My condolences.
Keep them.
Photo of Dwight Schrute
Photo of Jim Halpert
OK. Now, what do we got in these two pails?
In keeping with Schrute custom, I will either invite you to Saturday’s funeral by sprinkling red, fertile dirt in your face. Or, I will ask you to keep a respectful distance during my time of grief, with a dusting of black, slightly acidic soil.
Photo of Dwight Schrute
Photo of Erin
after Dwight tosses dirt on her face What color is it?
It looks pretty black.
Photo of Phyllis
Photo of Kevin Malone
after Dwight tosses dirt in his face Yep. Acidic, all right.
while Dwight prepares to toss dirt Oh, thank god.
Photo of Oscar Martinez
Photo of Dwight Schrute
Excuse me?
I’m so sorry, Dwight. And if you want me to be there, of course I will go. I just… have a personal training session…
Photo of Oscar Martinez
Photo of Dwight Schrute
OK. That’s not… tosses red dirt in Oscar’s face

I get red dirt. Nobody is getting red dirt. I should’ve kept my mouth shut. We’re not even that close. I’ve only known Dwight… 12 years. 12 years. Time is a son of a bitch.
Photo of Oscar Martinez

Photo of Jim Halpert
as Dwight prepares to throw dirt in his face I’m sure… I’m sure she’s in a better place.
I really hope so. unexpectedly tosses dirt in Pam’s face
Photo of Dwight Schrute
Photo of Jim Halpert
OK. as Dwight mixes coffee with dirt in his hand This is crazy. You can’t make a dirt ball.
I miss her so much.
Photo of Dwight Schrute
Photo of Jim Halpert
OK.
You know? Dwight screams and throws dirt ball at Jim
Photo of Dwight Schrute

Photo of Mose
playing guitar and singing ‘Oh What a Beautiful Morning’ Zeke’s here.
Zeke.
Photo of Dwight Schrute
Photo of Zeke
Hey, Dwight. Mose, Mom says ‘hi’.
‘Hi’ to Mom.
Photo of Mose
Photo of Dwight Schrute
Are you going?
Will there be ghosts there?
Photo of Mose
Photo of Dwight Schrute
simultaneously with Zeke Get in the sidecar. Get in the sidecar.
You get in the sidecar.
Photo of Zeke
Photo of Dwight Schrute
Get…

at the grave site, to Oscar What are you doing here?
Photo of Dwight Schrute
Photo of Oscar Martinez
You invited me. You threw the red dirt in my face.
smirking Oh, yeah.
Photo of Dwight Schrute
Photo of Oscar Martinez
as a car approaches the grave site Who is that?
Jeb, my brother.
Photo of Dwight Schrute
Photo of Oscar Martinez
You have a brother?
Uh-huh.
Photo of Dwight Schrute
Photo of Jeb
I didn’t really see a better parking spot. drives into the dug grave Whoa! Look what I did. It’s a rental. Dwight approaches and hugs him You wanna go in? both attempt to put the other in the dug grave

upon seeing Todd Packer enter the office Oh, gosh.
Photo of Erin
Photo of Todd Packer
Hey, Moonface. Nice to see those shiny, little Chinese eyes of yours.
to Pam Who’s this guy?
Photo of Clark
Photo of Pam Beesley
… bad.
Hi, all.
Photo of Todd Packer
Photo of Phyllis
Why are you here, Todd?
OK. Let’s get right to it. I guess. My name is Todd Packer and I am in recovery. I’m working the steps. I’m on step eight of Alcoholics Anonymous and step nine of Narcotics Anonymous. I’m here to make amends. I’ve been hard to deal with over the past years. Kind of a jerk. I know it. I don’t need you to accept my apology, but I’d love it if you did.
Photo of Todd Packer
Photo of Kevin Malone
Packer, we accept. others disagree
Actually, they have a specific way I need to do this. And, I have to go through examples of stuff. OK. Uh, where to begin. to Pam Hey. Pam-pam and her pam-pams. Wow. I have said some crude things about those. But, they are beautiful. And, I guess that’s why I acted out. Pam, I’m sorry I objectified you. And, personified your breasts. Sorry, guys. to Phyllis Oh boy. I have not been nice to you. Philly, I’m sorry for the things I said about your size. To your face, behind your back, and in the form of drawings. Actually, that goes to all you double XLs. Stanley, Kevin, points to Clark this kid in a few years.
Photo of Todd Packer
Photo of Pam Beesley
Todd, you’re just saying insults in the form of an apology.
Why can’t I just be nice? Truth is, I really like you guys. I really do. OK. The apology’s just half of it. The big thing is making amends. And, that’s why I brought these. I went out to the Steamtown Mall and I got you all cupcakes. From that place ‘Nipples’.
Photo of Todd Packer
Photo of Pam Beesley
I think it’s called ‘Nibbles’.
Huh. The mind sees what it wants to, huh? hands cupcake to Erin There you go.
Photo of Todd Packer
Photo of Pam Beesley
Hey, hey, guys. Wait. Before we accept these cupcakes, I think we need to have a conversation privately in the conference room. Don’t eat the cupcake.

We are here today to join this woman and the ground. Man is born of woman and his life is full of turmoil.
German Minister
Photo of Jeb
gathers and tastes soil Huh. It’s crap soil. Nothing’s going to grow here.
Doesn’t matter. It’s a cemetery.
Photo of Dwight Schrute
Photo of Jeb
Yeah, well, I’m just saying it’s garbage soil, that’s all.
Well, the only thing we’re planting here is dead bodies.
Photo of Dwight Schrute
Photo of Jeb
It’s fine ’cause they’re not going to grow.
Well, thank god they’re not because we don’t want to make zombies.
Photo of Dwight Schrute
Photo of Jeb
Good. I agree. Don’t worry about it. You won’t get any.
Would the family care to say something?
German Minister
Photo of Dwight Schrute
You had black hair and then gray hair.
You were the aunt to my cousins. Most of your life you were 5’4", at the end you were 5’1".
Photo of Zeke
Photo of Oscar Martinez
They’re a descriptive people.
approaches and hugs Dwight I see you started without me.
Photo of Fannie
Photo of Dwight Schrute
You were late. So, what am I supposed to do?
Well, I told you…
Photo of Fannie
Photo of Jeb
Hi, Fannie.
Hey.
Photo of Fannie
Photo of Oscar Martinez
Who is that?
Dwight’s sister.
Photo of Zeke
Photo of Oscar Martinez
Dwight has a sister?
Yeah.
Photo of Zeke
Photo of Oscar Martinez
She’s beautiful.
Blugh.
Photo of Zeke
Photo of Dwight Schrute
to his nephew Cameron Hello, little man. Haven’t seen you in a few years. after a weak handshake What is this? Oh, god. after a truck with many girls in the bed pulls up Henry.
Dwight.
Henry
Photo of Dwight Schrute
I see Esther’s back in town.
Hi Dwight.
Photo of Esther
Photo of Dwight Schrute
Hi Esther. Nice of you to come today.
This was on the way. We’re going into town after. I need yarn.
Photo of Esther
Photo of Dwight Schrute
Well, if you can snap two chicken necks with a single motion, why use two motions to slaughter those chickens.
We’re at a funeral. There’s a funeral going on here.
Photo of Fannie
Photo of Dwight Schrute
OK.
Anyone mention her height?
Henry
Photo of Zeke
Yep.
Land size? all shake heads removes hat Shirley, at 1600 acres, you have the largest farm in the area. Sharing borders with six other farms. Including my own farm. And your nephew Dwight’s. replaces hat OK. drives away
Henry
Photo of Dwight Schrute
So, let’s get it going.
approaches Fannie, offering a shotgun Would you want to do the honors?
German Minister
Photo of Fannie
Oh, right. Uh, you know, I don’t think we have to do this.

We Schrutes don’t need some Harvard doctor to tell us who’s alive and who’s dead. But, there was an unlucky streak of burying some heavy sleepers. And, when grave robbers discovered some scratch marks on the inside of some of the coffins, we decided to make sure that our dead were completely dead. Out of kindness.
Photo of Dwight Schrute

Photo of Oscar Martinez
after Dwight opens coffin and begins firing into it That’s it for me. exits

I don’t think we should eat Packers’ cupcakes. We can’t give him the satisfaction.
Photo of Pam Beesley
Photo of Phyllis
I agree. Even though that place has a way of making those cupcakes so they’re dense. But, they’re also really fluffy.
We can’t let him buy our forgiveness with cupcakes. He was awful to us. And, he still is. How much is a cupcake? $2.50? Is that the price of our dignity?
Photo of Pam Beesley
Photo of Creed Bratton
$3.75 a cupcake, actually. $3.67 if you buy a dozen.

I never forget a number. Names? In one ear and out the other. Places? Nope. Faces? That’s rich. But, numbers? I have a gift. I guess that’s why I’m an accountant.
Photo of Creed Bratton

Photo of Clark
Hey, man. I don’t think we’ve met. I’m Clark.
Oh. I’m Todd. Oh, sorry for calling you a fat, little runt earlier.
Photo of Todd Packer
Photo of Clark
You didn’t actually say that.
No? Wow. I’m in this mode now where I’m apologizing for thoughts that are in my head. Clark fake laughs Hey. I have a crazy feeling hands Clark a cupcake that you are really gonna like this.
Photo of Todd Packer

Photo of Stanley Hudson
Maybe we should eat the cupcakes. Haven’t we done enough to Packer? I mean, we sent him down to Florida on a prank. to Nellie And you did fire him.
I did. I did, yes. And it was purely political. He did nothing wrong.
Photo of Nellie
Photo of Pam Beesley
Would any of you be saying any of this if the cupcakes were from Supermart?
Do they even have a bakery anymore?
Photo of Angela Martin
Photo of Kevin Malone
They do. It’s awful. And, it’s getting worse every day.
So, it really is just about the cupcakes.
Photo of Pam Beesley
Photo of Andy Bernard
Wow, you’re right. It is just about the cupcakes.
So, we’re all agreed? No one touches those cupcakes?
Photo of Phyllis
Photo of Meredith Palmer
as all agree OK.
OK. Packer can go to hell.
Photo of Phyllis

Aunt Shirley
on a recorded video Thank you for coming to my funeral. As I gaze at life’s big sunset, I can’t help but wonder where it all went wrong. You’ve all disappointed me greatly. Fannie. A single mamma in the city.
agreeing with Shirley Thank you.
Photo of Dwight Schrute
Aunt Shirley
Jeb. A street pusher.

After I left the army, I bought a 9-acre worm farm from a Californian. Turns out "worm" means something else out there. And, I am now in the business of… pain management. Or, the smoking of pain management.
Photo of Jeb

Photo of Dwight Schrute
I can’t stand the fact that Jeb is a pot farmer. He could’ve grown anything. Anything in the world. He used to talk about growing a peanut-grape hybrid. One plant, one sandwhich.

We can’t just sit by and watch our family farm disappear. So, here are my terms. Dwight, Fannie, Jeb. If you come back home, I will leave you my farm. So, there, you have it.
Aunt Shirley
Photo of Fannie
Is she crazy? as Dwight considers Dwight?
Buddy? Buddy?
Photo of Jeb
Photo of Fannie
No, no, no.
Snap out of it. Dwight?
Photo of Jeb

Photo of Dwight Schrute
Let’s do this. Let’s run Aunt Shirley’s farm. I’m in. Boom.
No, no, no. I’m not moving back here. Are you crazy?
Photo of Fannie
Photo of Dwight Schrute
Of course you are.
Look. I, I don’t want to be mean or like insulting. I know that you like it here. But, Dwight, it’s just that farm life lacks a certain… sort of sophistication.
Photo of Fannie
Photo of Dwight Schrute
Oh my god.
That Cammy and I are drawn to. And, I don’t know. The men are just… it’s almost like there’s a… a willing ignorance.
Photo of Fannie

Photo of Fannie
Yes. I, thank you for asking me. I actually have written a little bit of poetry. That’s crazy. And, I was recently published. Which is just… reaches in to bag, removes folded paper maybe I have. Yep. I do. Here it is from the um, Hartford Women’s Lit Quarterly.com. A Willing Ignorance by Fannie Schrute.

Totally. Yep. The people here are like makes farting sound, laughs Like a fart. You know what I’m saying? Like a fart?
Photo of Jeb
Photo of Dwight Schrute
You know what? Let’s take a couple of nights and stay here and think about Aunt Shirley’s offer.
Couple of nights couldn’t hurt.
Photo of Jeb
Photo of Fannie
Uh, somehow how I think a couple of nights could hurt.
You will say ‘yes’ on one. Five, four, three, two, get ready to say ‘yes’, one. Yes.
Photo of Dwight Schrute
Photo of Zeke
as Dwight says ‘yes’ Absolutely.

Growing up with Dwight and Mose was not easy. Uh, Dwight was obviously the cool one. And, Mose was the visionary. Which left me to be the comedian.
Photo of Zeke

Photo of Fannie
That doesn’t work on me.
OK.
Photo of Dwight Schrute
Photo of Fannie
By the way, that’s not…
counts down in French
Photo of Dwight Schrute
Photo of Fannie
Very funny. OK. Oui, oui, oui.
Oui.
Photo of Dwight Schrute
Photo of Fannie
Oh my goodness.

while everyone is gathered playing and singing "Sons & Daughters" People underestimate the power of nostalgia. If baseball can use it to get people to care about that worthless sport, then I can use it to get my siblings to care about the farm. Nostalgia is truly one of the great human weaknesses. Second only to the neck.
Photo of Dwight Schrute

Photo of Fannie
after seeing Dwight lay something down in front of Esther So, I forgot about this old custom. If a man is interested in courting a woman, he may throw the beaks of a crow at her. And then, if she’s interested in accepting the courtship, she has to destroy the beaks. Esther crushes the beaks leaving Dwight satisfied

Hey, uh, I just wanted to say I’m sorry for screwing you.
Photo of Todd Packer
Photo of Meredith Palmer
I’m not sorry about it.
I am. It was my rock bottom.
Photo of Todd Packer

Photo of Angela Martin
while Kevin stares at his cupcake Kevin, you can do this.
You don’t know that.
Photo of Kevin Malone
Photo of Pam Beesley
Kevin, um, let’s think of something to distract us. Uh, like the movie Skyfall. You loved the movie Skyfall, right?
Uh-huh.
Photo of Angela Martin
Photo of Kevin Malone
James Bond was a spy.
Yes. He was a good spy.
Photo of Pam Beesley
Photo of Kevin Malone
Yeah. He was the best. James Bond would love this cupcake.
Hey, you know what? It was, uh, great to see you all again. Take care. exits
Photo of Todd Packer

Photo of Todd Packer
I am going through a twelve-step program. I’m currently on step zero. Which is have a expletive of fun. I spent six hours carefully removing the frosting and then layering in a variety of drugs, some legal, some not. Some laxative, some constipating. You don’t fire the Pac-Man and expect to get away with it.

Guys, I’m proud of us. I think we did the right thing. after noticing Angela easting cupcake Hey!
Photo of Pam Beesley
Photo of Angela Martin
What, Pam?
as others eat Wait!
Photo of Pam Beesley
Photo of Angela Martin
He’s gone. It’s just a cupcake now.
No, no. It’s the principle of the thing.
Photo of Pam Beesley
Photo of Andy Bernard
exits office, chewing Oh my god. I forgive him so much. Kevin begins making choking sounds Whoa, is he choking?
Kevin?
Photo of Angela Martin
Photo of Kevin Malone
after long choking and refusing help from Meredith Oh, that was fantastic.

after following Dwight to the chicken coop, before sunrise Is it dangerous to take the eggs in front of them?
Cameron
Photo of Dwight Schrute
Yes, very. You really need to stand back because these are killer chickens.
I was just asking you something I didn’t know.
Cameron
Photo of Dwight Schrute
Which is fine. And, you learned something. But, it was kind of a stupid question so you’re gonna get made fun of a little bit.
after grabbing an egg Are we gonna eat these today?
Cameron
Photo of Dwight Schrute
If you want.

Is that a guillotine?
Cameron
Photo of Dwight Schrute
This? No. That’d be cool, though. It’s for milking.
referencing goat That’s a cow?
Cameron
Photo of Dwight Schrute
Did you just ask me if this was a cow?
after seeing Dwight smelling milk What are you doing now?
Cameron
Photo of Dwight Schrute
Come here. Come on. Grab a teat with each hand. Sit down. There you go. Squeeze from top to bottom. Really pull. Use some muscle. Draw the milk out. All right. Going all right?
I don’t know.
Cameron
Photo of Dwight Schrute
Well, is the udder hot? Is the milk clumpy?
I don’t know any of that.
Cameron
Photo of Dwight Schrute
OK, you suck at this. Give me those teats. Didn’t your father teach you anything?
I never met him.
Cameron

Photo of Pam Beesley
Good morning, Erin.
looking disheveled Hey.
Photo of Erin
Photo of Pam Beesley
Hey, everybody. Um, I decided to eat my cupcake. I thought about it last night. I talked to Jim. I talked to my sister. And, I think that, as long as Todd Packer doesn’t know, it’s OK.
I don’t care what you do, Pam. Just please stop making noise.
Photo of Phyllis
Photo of Pam Beesley
Phyllis!
Packer laced the cupcakes.
Photo of Clark
Photo of Pam Beesley
No!
Did you get diarrhea or were you stoned?
Photo of Meredith Palmer
Photo of Angela Martin
Some of us got both. raises hand
Oh my god! Is everyone OK?
Photo of Pam Beesley
Photo of Phyllis
Last night, I got out all of my old dolls and played with them on the living room floor. Then, I ordered ten American Girl outfits online. It was thousands of dollars.
Yeah? Well, count yourself lucky, Phyllis. I got the toilet.
Photo of Nellie
Photo of Stanley Hudson
Me too. holds up four fingers
I went Christmas caroling in March and I fertilized some bushes along the way. So, not my best night. But, not my worst night.
Photo of Clark
Photo of Phyllis
What did you do, Andy?
Last night? Oh, god, um, I don’t know. cuts to him arm wrestling Kevin Na, nothing really. Kevin?
Photo of Andy Bernard
Photo of Kevin Malone
Why would you ask me?
I’m not, a… I’m just. I don’t know. cuts to him spinning a plate like a record and Kevin dancing Oh. Gosh. I actually. It is hard to recall. Um. cuts to he and Kevin sitting on a table touching each others face Pretty normal night.
Photo of Andy Bernard
Photo of Kevin Malone
he and Andy embrace each other in tears My night was just like that. cuts to him and Andy trading clothes Meaning normal.
Yeah. I didn’t see you last night at all. cuts to him dancing by prostrate Kevin
Photo of Andy Bernard
Photo of Kevin Malone
Nope. I did not see you either.
Wow. He is officially the worst human being.
Photo of Pam Beesley
Photo of Kevin Malone
as Pam attempts to throw cupcake away Ah. stops Pam and takes cupcake
But, Kevin that’s…
Photo of Pam Beesley
Photo of Kevin Malone
Yeah. No, I understand, Pam. I understand.
shaking head in disbelief No.
Photo of Angela Martin

Photo of Todd Packer
So, that’s it. I just wanted to make amends. slides cupcakes across table to Darryl and Jim
That’s big of you, man. Takes a lot of courage.
Photo of Darryl Phylbin
Photo of Jim Halpert
Ooh, red velvet. I should apologize too.
It’s OK. I’m over it.
Photo of Todd Packer

Photo of Jeb
Oof. This is no nine-acre worm farm. This is a beast. Whoever’s managing this thing is gonna have a hell of a job. Not it.
Not it.
Photo of Fannie
Photo of Dwight Schrute
It. to Fannie That kid doesn’t put in some farm time, he’s gonna stay like that.
All right.
Photo of Fannie

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