The Farm - The Office (Season 9, Episode 17)

Dwight informs the office that his Aunt Shirley has died. He proceeds to either invite his co-workers to his funeral or stay away via the bizarre Schrute custom of throwing certain dirt in their faces, only inviting Oscar out of spite after Oscar was secretly relieved that he wasn't going to be invited. At the funeral, Dwight's family gathers: his cousins Mose and Zeke, his brother Jeb, his sister Fannie and his nephew Cammy. When the service starts, Oscar flees when Dwight begins shooting the corpse with a shotgun to ensure it is really dead. The family learns that Aunt Shirley has willed the siblings her estate on the condition that they all come back home to run it. Despite Dwight's enthusiasm in inheriting it, Fannie and Jeb are unwilling to move back in due to the lack of sophistication farm life offers, but agree to stay for a couple of days. Dwight also bonds with Cammy, courts local farmer Esther, and later surveys the farm with his siblings.

Todd Packer visits the office and announces that he wants to make amends for his past behavior. He makes rude remarks masked as apologies and hands out store-bought cupcakes. Pam argues that they should not eat the cupcakes, to spite Packer. She remains adamant on this point even after Packer leaves, but the remaining employees eat their cupcakes. Packer reveals to the documentary crew that he spiked the cupcakes with drugs in retaliation for his firing. The next morning, Pam returns to the office and announces she is going to eat her cupcake, only to find everyone else reeling from the aftereffects of Packer's deed. Packer visits Jim and Darryl at Athlead in Philadelphia, pulling the same trick on them.

Best Funny Quotes From The Office - The Farm

as elevator door closes Hold it!

notices something new about Dwight New glasses.

Dwight. What a ridiculous, fancy clown you are.

I am dressed according to the Schrute codes of mourning. My aunt Shirley has died.

Oh, Dwight. I’m so sorry. Were you guys close?

I would say that she raised me, but let’s not kid each other. I raised myself. She was, however, the closest thing I had to a mother.

My actual mother was very cold and distant. I’d say she was the closest thing I had to an aunt.

My condolences.

Keep them.

OK. Now, what do we got in these two pails?

In keeping with Schrute custom, I will either invite you to Saturday’s funeral by sprinkling red, fertile dirt in your face. Or, I will ask you to keep a respectful distance during my time of grief, with a dusting of black, slightly acidic soil.

after Dwight tosses dirt on her face What color is it?

It looks pretty black.

after Dwight tosses dirt in his face Yep. Acidic, all right.

while Dwight prepares to toss dirt Oh, thank god.

Excuse me?

I’m so sorry, Dwight. And if you want me to be there, of course I will go. I just… have a personal training session…

OK. That’s not… tosses red dirt in Oscar’s face

I get red dirt. Nobody is getting red dirt. I should’ve kept my mouth shut. We’re not even that close. I’ve only known Dwight… 12 years. 12 years. Time is a son of a bitch.

as Dwight prepares to throw dirt in his face I’m sure… I’m sure she’s in a better place.

I really hope so. unexpectedly tosses dirt in Pam’s face

OK. as Dwight mixes coffee with dirt in his hand This is crazy. You can’t make a dirt ball.

I miss her so much.

OK.

You know? Dwight screams and throws dirt ball at Jim

playing guitar and singing ‘Oh What a Beautiful Morning’ Zeke’s here.

Zeke.

Hey, Dwight. Mose, Mom says ‘hi’.

‘Hi’ to Mom.

Are you going?

Will there be ghosts there?

simultaneously with Zeke Get in the sidecar. Get in the sidecar.

You get in the sidecar.

Get…

at the grave site, to Oscar What are you doing here?

You invited me. You threw the red dirt in my face.

smirking Oh, yeah.

as a car approaches the grave site Who is that?

Jeb, my brother.

You have a brother?

Uh-huh.

I didn’t really see a better parking spot. drives into the dug grave Whoa! Look what I did. It’s a rental. Dwight approaches and hugs him You wanna go in? both attempt to put the other in the dug grave

upon seeing Todd Packer enter the office Oh, gosh.

Hey, Moonface. Nice to see those shiny, little Chinese eyes of yours.

to Pam Who’s this guy?

… bad.

Hi, all.

Why are you here, Todd?

OK. Let’s get right to it. I guess. My name is Todd Packer and I am in recovery. I’m working the steps. I’m on step eight of Alcoholics Anonymous and step nine of Narcotics Anonymous. I’m here to make amends. I’ve been hard to deal with over the past years. Kind of a jerk. I know it. I don’t need you to accept my apology, but I’d love it if you did.

Packer, we accept. others disagree

Actually, they have a specific way I need to do this. And, I have to go through examples of stuff. OK. Uh, where to begin. to Pam Hey. Pam-pam and her pam-pams. Wow. I have said some crude things about those. But, they are beautiful. And, I guess that’s why I acted out. Pam, I’m sorry I objectified you. And, personified your breasts. Sorry, guys. to Phyllis Oh boy. I have not been nice to you. Philly, I’m sorry for the things I said about your size. To your face, behind your back, and in the form of drawings. Actually, that goes to all you double XLs. Stanley, Kevin, points to Clark this kid in a few years.

Todd, you’re just saying insults in the form of an apology.

Why can’t I just be nice? Truth is, I really like you guys. I really do. OK. The apology’s just half of it. The big thing is making amends. And, that’s why I brought these. I went out to the Steamtown Mall and I got you all cupcakes. From that place ‘Nipples’.

I think it’s called ‘Nibbles’.

Huh. The mind sees what it wants to, huh? hands cupcake to Erin There you go.

Hey, hey, guys. Wait. Before we accept these cupcakes, I think we need to have a conversation privately in the conference room. Don’t eat the cupcake.

gathers and tastes soil Huh. It’s crap soil. Nothing’s going to grow here.

Doesn’t matter. It’s a cemetery.

Yeah, well, I’m just saying it’s garbage soil, that’s all.

Well, the only thing we’re planting here is dead bodies.

It’s fine ’cause they’re not going to grow.

Well, thank god they’re not because we don’t want to make zombies.

Good. I agree. Don’t worry about it. You won’t get any.

You had black hair and then gray hair.

You were the aunt to my cousins. Most of your life you were 5’4", at the end you were 5’1".

They’re a descriptive people.

approaches and hugs Dwight I see you started without me.

You were late. So, what am I supposed to do?

Well, I told you…

Hi, Fannie.

Hey.

Who is that?

Dwight’s sister.

Dwight has a sister?

Yeah.

She’s beautiful.

Blugh.

to his nephew Cameron Hello, little man. Haven’t seen you in a few years. after a weak handshake What is this? Oh, god. after a truck with many girls in the bed pulls up Henry.

I see Esther’s back in town.

Hi Dwight.

Hi Esther. Nice of you to come today.

This was on the way. We’re going into town after. I need yarn.

Well, if you can snap two chicken necks with a single motion, why use two motions to slaughter those chickens.

We’re at a funeral. There’s a funeral going on here.

OK.

Yep.

So, let’s get it going.

Oh, right. Uh, you know, I don’t think we have to do this.

We Schrutes don’t need some Harvard doctor to tell us who’s alive and who’s dead. But, there was an unlucky streak of burying some heavy sleepers. And, when grave robbers discovered some scratch marks on the inside of some of the coffins, we decided to make sure that our dead were completely dead. Out of kindness.

after Dwight opens coffin and begins firing into it That’s it for me. exits

I don’t think we should eat Packers’ cupcakes. We can’t give him the satisfaction.

I agree. Even though that place has a way of making those cupcakes so they’re dense. But, they’re also really fluffy.

We can’t let him buy our forgiveness with cupcakes. He was awful to us. And, he still is. How much is a cupcake? $2.50? Is that the price of our dignity?

$3.75 a cupcake, actually. $3.67 if you buy a dozen.

I never forget a number. Names? In one ear and out the other. Places? Nope. Faces? That’s rich. But, numbers? I have a gift. I guess that’s why I’m an accountant.

Hey, man. I don’t think we’ve met. I’m Clark.

Oh. I’m Todd. Oh, sorry for calling you a fat, little runt earlier.

You didn’t actually say that.

No? Wow. I’m in this mode now where I’m apologizing for thoughts that are in my head. Clark fake laughs Hey. I have a crazy feeling hands Clark a cupcake that you are really gonna like this.

Maybe we should eat the cupcakes. Haven’t we done enough to Packer? I mean, we sent him down to Florida on a prank. to Nellie And you did fire him.

I did. I did, yes. And it was purely political. He did nothing wrong.

Would any of you be saying any of this if the cupcakes were from Supermart?

Do they even have a bakery anymore?

They do. It’s awful. And, it’s getting worse every day.

So, it really is just about the cupcakes.

Wow, you’re right. It is just about the cupcakes.

So, we’re all agreed? No one touches those cupcakes?

as all agree OK.

OK. Packer can go to hell.

agreeing with Shirley Thank you.

After I left the army, I bought a 9-acre worm farm from a Californian. Turns out "worm" means something else out there. And, I am now in the business of… pain management. Or, the smoking of pain management.

I can’t stand the fact that Jeb is a pot farmer. He could’ve grown anything. Anything in the world. He used to talk about growing a peanut-grape hybrid. One plant, one sandwhich.

Is she crazy? as Dwight considers Dwight?

Buddy? Buddy?

No, no, no.

Snap out of it. Dwight?

Let’s do this. Let’s run Aunt Shirley’s farm. I’m in. Boom.

No, no, no. I’m not moving back here. Are you crazy?

Of course you are.

Look. I, I don’t want to be mean or like insulting. I know that you like it here. But, Dwight, it’s just that farm life lacks a certain… sort of sophistication.

Oh my god.

That Cammy and I are drawn to. And, I don’t know. The men are just… it’s almost like there’s a… a willing ignorance.

Yes. I, thank you for asking me. I actually have written a little bit of poetry. That’s crazy. And, I was recently published. Which is just… reaches in to bag, removes folded paper maybe I have. Yep. I do. Here it is from the um, Hartford Women’s Lit Quarterly.com. A Willing Ignorance by Fannie Schrute.

Totally. Yep. The people here are like makes farting sound, laughs Like a fart. You know what I’m saying? Like a fart?

You know what? Let’s take a couple of nights and stay here and think about Aunt Shirley’s offer.

Couple of nights couldn’t hurt.

Uh, somehow how I think a couple of nights could hurt.

You will say ‘yes’ on one. Five, four, three, two, get ready to say ‘yes’, one. Yes.

as Dwight says ‘yes’ Absolutely.

Growing up with Dwight and Mose was not easy. Uh, Dwight was obviously the cool one. And, Mose was the visionary. Which left me to be the comedian.

That doesn’t work on me.

OK.

By the way, that’s not…

counts down in French

Very funny. OK. Oui, oui, oui.

Oui.

Oh my goodness.

while everyone is gathered playing and singing "Sons & Daughters" People underestimate the power of nostalgia. If baseball can use it to get people to care about that worthless sport, then I can use it to get my siblings to care about the farm. Nostalgia is truly one of the great human weaknesses. Second only to the neck.

after seeing Dwight lay something down in front of Esther So, I forgot about this old custom. If a man is interested in courting a woman, he may throw the beaks of a crow at her. And then, if she’s interested in accepting the courtship, she has to destroy the beaks. Esther crushes the beaks leaving Dwight satisfied

Hey, uh, I just wanted to say I’m sorry for screwing you.

I’m not sorry about it.

I am. It was my rock bottom.

while Kevin stares at his cupcake Kevin, you can do this.

You don’t know that.

Kevin, um, let’s think of something to distract us. Uh, like the movie Skyfall. You loved the movie Skyfall, right?

Uh-huh.

James Bond was a spy.

Yes. He was a good spy.

Yeah. He was the best. James Bond would love this cupcake.

Hey, you know what? It was, uh, great to see you all again. Take care. exits

I am going through a twelve-step program. I’m currently on step zero. Which is have a expletive of fun. I spent six hours carefully removing the frosting and then layering in a variety of drugs, some legal, some not. Some laxative, some constipating. You don’t fire the Pac-Man and expect to get away with it.

Guys, I’m proud of us. I think we did the right thing. after noticing Angela easting cupcake Hey!

What, Pam?

as others eat Wait!

He’s gone. It’s just a cupcake now.

No, no. It’s the principle of the thing.

exits office, chewing Oh my god. I forgive him so much. Kevin begins making choking sounds Whoa, is he choking?

Kevin?

after long choking and refusing help from Meredith Oh, that was fantastic.

Yes, very. You really need to stand back because these are killer chickens.

Which is fine. And, you learned something. But, it was kind of a stupid question so you’re gonna get made fun of a little bit.

If you want.

This? No. That’d be cool, though. It’s for milking.

Did you just ask me if this was a cow?

Come here. Come on. Grab a teat with each hand. Sit down. There you go. Squeeze from top to bottom. Really pull. Use some muscle. Draw the milk out. All right. Going all right?

Well, is the udder hot? Is the milk clumpy?

OK, you suck at this. Give me those teats. Didn’t your father teach you anything?

Good morning, Erin.

looking disheveled Hey.

Hey, everybody. Um, I decided to eat my cupcake. I thought about it last night. I talked to Jim. I talked to my sister. And, I think that, as long as Todd Packer doesn’t know, it’s OK.

I don’t care what you do, Pam. Just please stop making noise.

Phyllis!

Packer laced the cupcakes.

No!

Did you get diarrhea or were you stoned?

Some of us got both. raises hand

Oh my god! Is everyone OK?

Last night, I got out all of my old dolls and played with them on the living room floor. Then, I ordered ten American Girl outfits online. It was thousands of dollars.

Yeah? Well, count yourself lucky, Phyllis. I got the toilet.

Me too. holds up four fingers

I went Christmas caroling in March and I fertilized some bushes along the way. So, not my best night. But, not my worst night.

What did you do, Andy?

Last night? Oh, god, um, I don’t know. cuts to him arm wrestling Kevin Na, nothing really. Kevin?

Why would you ask me?

I’m not, a… I’m just. I don’t know. cuts to him spinning a plate like a record and Kevin dancing Oh. Gosh. I actually. It is hard to recall. Um. cuts to he and Kevin sitting on a table touching each others face Pretty normal night.

he and Andy embrace each other in tears My night was just like that. cuts to him and Andy trading clothes Meaning normal.

Yeah. I didn’t see you last night at all. cuts to him dancing by prostrate Kevin

Nope. I did not see you either.

Wow. He is officially the worst human being.

as Pam attempts to throw cupcake away Ah. stops Pam and takes cupcake

But, Kevin that’s…

Yeah. No, I understand, Pam. I understand.

shaking head in disbelief No.

So, that’s it. I just wanted to make amends. slides cupcakes across table to Darryl and Jim

That’s big of you, man. Takes a lot of courage.

Ooh, red velvet. I should apologize too.

It’s OK. I’m over it.

Oof. This is no nine-acre worm farm. This is a beast. Whoever’s managing this thing is gonna have a hell of a job. Not it.

Not it.

It. to Fannie That kid doesn’t put in some farm time, he’s gonna stay like that.

All right.