Moving On - The Office (Season 9, Episode 16)

David Wallace scolds Andy for lying about his three-month absence from the office. David later tells Andy that he will not fire him, thanking him for helping him buy the company, but warns Andy that he is on very thin ice. Andy learns that Erin is dating Pete, which they have been holding in secrecy from him in order to make his breakup with Erin easier. Though Andy doesn't figure this out at first, having called Pete "Plop" for so long he forgot his name, he realizes the truth upon finding a lunch bag with his name on it.

Andy attempts to fire Pete, but Toby points out that he cannot do this since Pete and Erin already disclosed their relationship and that he can’t fire people simply over grudges. Erin and Pete then both lecture Andy about moving on, claiming that working alongside one's ex-lover does not have to be awkward. To refute this claim, Andy hires both Pete's ex-girlfriend Alice and Erin's ex-boyfriend Gabe. After giving Pete and Erin time to appreciate how uncomfortable this is, he holds a meeting with them and their ex-lovers, leading the two couples to argue with each other. Andy tells the camera that seeing Erin and Pete unhappy has made him feel better.

Pam leaves the office to interview for a job in Philadelphia; when Andy tries to assert his authority by asking where she is going, Pam snaps "not on a three-month boat trip" and walks out as Andy looks on in defeat while the rest of the office looks at him with undisguised contempt. At the interview, Pam finds her potential manager, Mark, is remarkably like her former Dunder Mifflin regional manager Michael Scott. While this initially amuses her, Pam gradually realizes that the prospect of working under another Michael Scott is abhorrent, and her horror increases when Mark reveals that she is interviewing for a glorified receptionist's job. During a romantic dinner, Pam finally admits to Jim that even had the prospective job and boss been perfect she would not have wanted to take it, since she does not really want to move to Philadelphia, despite Jim having started his own business there. The two are not angry at each other but look deeply upset over this divide.

Dwight requests the help of Angela in caring for his ailing Aunt Shirley. Angela initially refuses, but gives in when Dwight begins describing her ailments in grotesque detail. At the house, Angela is horrified by Dwight's treatment of his Aunt: he consistently speaks to her in a condescending tone, proposes to cut off her worn-out clothing with a utility knife, and "bathes" her by spraying her with a high-pressure water hose like a cow. After subduing Dwight by spraying him with the hose, Angela insists on washing and grooming Shirley in a more dignified manner. Through the process, Dwight and Angela recall their feelings for each other. At the end of the day, they begin kissing, but Angela reminds Dwight that she is married and says she will not leave her husband even though he does not care for her. Dwight accepts this, admitting that he would want that same loyalty from her if she were his wife.

Toby has been discussing the details of the Scranton Strangler case with Nellie for some time, feeling the guilty verdict he helped deliver was rushed. Having grown weary of the subject, she snaps at him that he should do something about it. Toby accordingly goes to the local prison to talk to the person convicted of being the notorious local murderer and tell him he believes he is innocent. Offscreen, the convict begins strangling Toby for his part in the conviction. However, Toby does have his spirits lifted, realizing he was guilty and after Nellie gives him a lift from the hospital and commends him for his bravery.

Oscar queues up a television show on his computer, and while the ad loads, he does gravity boot sit-ups. While he is struggling to get down, the camera zooms in on an upcoming television guide on Oscar's computer screen that reveals that the in-series documentary—called The Office: An American Workplace—will air in May.

Best Funny Quotes From The Office - Moving On

…No, you lied to me Andy. You pretended to be in this office for three months and you were sailing on your boat!

I resent that. I, I never lied to you.

Really? reading from phone "Hey David, all is good in Scranton PA."

And all was good in Scranton PA that day.

"By the way, Oscar says ‘hi’"

Oscar says "hi" all the time. He says all kinds of greetings. "Hi" "Hello" "Hola" You’re telling me you’ve never heard Oscar say "hi"?

Andy.

But you’re calling me a liar.

Andy!

By the way, that reminds me, I want to ask you about some of the lies you’ve been telling lately.

Watch it Andy!

Oh, here we go, January seventh 2013. Reading from phone "Hey Andy, all’s well. Been meaning to make it down there but my wife’s sick." Well, which is it?! Is all well or is your wife sick?! BUSTED!

My wife?

This has been a really tough time.

Yeah?

Yeah.

Has it?

Erin just dumped me and I can’t remember any of the aha moments I had on the boat, and I know it sounds weird to say but I really miss my beard.

Shh.

It was like a security blan-

Andy.

-ket

Shh. I’m not gonna fire you.

You’re not?

No.

That’s awesome.

I wouldn’t own the company if it wasn’t for you. So…I owe you that.

David, I’ll be there for you. These five words I swear to you. When you breathe, I want to be here for you. I’ll be there for you. That’s a poem by J.B. Jovi. I want you to have it.

We are even…now. Understand? Got it?

Crystal.

You are on very- Hey, very thin ice.

Vanilla. David looks confused Vanilla Ice. It was a band.

Good morning.

And how are you on this fine- chokes up, runs into office and slams door pulling the blinds closed

Crying Ok, we ready? cut Don’t use that part. Last week, Erin told me that our relationship would be proceeding without me. Now I have to see her everyday at work. Which is…brutal. When people say office relationships are a good idea, they never talk about what might happen if you break up.

Moaning from office Ahhh! Oooooh! ahh

He sounds like a wounded animal.

Should’ve put him out of his misery and just fired her.

I can’t be around sad people, it makes me sad.

I’m the same way with horny people.

Ok. Andy continues moaning

Yes. Pete and I have started seeing each other and Andy still doesn’t know. We thought that keeping it secret was more considerate to him. And hot for us. I mean I saw Pete’s butt. It’s sick.

taking paper from Kevin Oh that’s mine! Um, I’ll just, I’ll get it out of the way for you.

Jim set up a job interview for me today in Philly. It’s um, with a real estate company, which is a great fit for me because I live in a house and I know what a bathroom is. laughs I’m sorry, I am just very nervous because honestly this is all moving a lot faster than I expected. And, and because my resume can fit on a post-it note.

on phone No, don’t just let her eat the grass, she’ll puke it right up. OK, just put out two bowls and see which feed she prefers. I’m sorry to be taking up so much of your precious time, Mose, but she’s your aunt too. Fine. I’ll see what I can do.

Jumps out from behind vending machine I need you.

Ahh! Dwight!

And you should take breaks more often, I’ve been waiting there for 45 minutes.

What? What is it?

It’s my aunt Shirley, she’s on her last legs.

Dwight, that’s awful.

You have no idea. I mean her hair, clothes, it’s all falling off in great big clumps. And we need someone to go out there and clean her up. We had a nurse, but she quit because she was "poisoned" by Aunt Shirley.

What do you mean by "poisoned"?

Probably nothing, or strychnine. Or lemonade and strychnine. Which is actually what it was.

Ok, well I’m very sorry about your aunt.

Thank you.

But I don’t see how this is my problem.

Angela. You owe me one, remember? Now please, she’s an old woman Angela. She needs a woman’s touch. It’s all hanging out-

Ugh.

And there’s parts of her I don’t even recognize.

Gah.

There’s this one hanging part in particular, that’s some sort of flap.

It’s fine.

It’s like a prehensile wing or something, you know?

Ugh! God, I can’t. OK, I’ll-

It’s a divet…

I’ll help you!

..where it was and it needs, it needs a…

Ugh.

Where are you going?

Uh, not on a three month boat trip.

Wha? Oh, burn. laughs, Angela and Dwight move to leave. Uh, excuse me. What, everyone can just leave whenever they want now?

How dare you?

I’m still the boss!

I…

The answer is yes.

..just have some messages for you.

Are they from you?

Well no, they’re from clients.

Well then, I don’t want them. You can keep ’em. In fact, you can keep that big blue Nautica sweater, I know how much you love it.

I can’t. I-

Nope, I insist upon it. It’s an awesome sweater. Some great memories tied up in that thing.

These are messages from clients who want to buy paper.

I don’t want to talk about work right now.

Well I only want to talk about work right now.

Then I want my big blue sweater back.

Well, I gave it to the Salvation Army.

I’ve got the seat adjusted right.

Perfect height, yeah.

She got rid of it. My blue sweater. What is that about?

I was just leaving.

Stay! We are in the bro-zone layer. Ok? Nard dog, Plop and Clarker Posey, AKA Clarkwork Orange. Here’s the sitch: Erin dumped me, natch. But she got rid of my blue sweater, which was her favorite. Is she moving on a little fast, or am I being a total psycho? Plop, you go first.

I don’t know. Women do tend to move on quicker than men.

Survey says: ENH! Doesn’t make me feel better at all. Zero Clark Thirty, what do you got?

Look at it this way, being a bachelor is not all bad. I mean, you’ve got your freedom now.

Last night I ordered a pizza by myself and I ate it over the sink like a rat.

There you go, good for you.

No.

You just let it all hang out, that’s what…

May not seem like it, but this really helped. So, thank you. Andy leaves

I’ll give you a hundred dollars to wear that sweater to work tomorrow.

Aunt Shirley, Hello! It’s me Dwight.

Oh, lookie here. It’s big city Dwight. Careful you don’t get mud on those fancy town shoes, big city Dwight.

Shirley

Hello Aunt Shirley.

Who’s this little kitchen witch? She’s so tiny like a little kitchen witch.

Shirley

This is Angela, and we brought you some new clothes!

New clothes? What for? Aunt Shirley’s boob shows

Shirley

Oh, God.

You know what? Before you put the new clothes on, Angela’s gonna get you cleaned up a little bit.

Yes. How would you like a nice warm bath?

Shirley

How would you like a mean cold slap? slaps Angela

Ow!

Ok, Aunt Shirley, dear, uh, can I get you a nice crisp liter of schnapps?

I could do that.

Shirley

Ok.

No. No.

Yeah, trust me.

No.

It keeps her docile. Go to the kitchen, get the largest receptacle you can find.

Step on it!

Shirley

Why doesn’t Erin seem sad? Has she found someone new or something? And if so, why hasn’t she told me? Is she trying to spare my feelings? During breakups, the mind goes to some crazy dark places.

Andy, don’t. No good can come from snooping.

I’m not snooping, there’s just some crud on her screen.

You’re clearly snooping.

That’s kinda uncool, man.

Ah, come on.

Andy!

That’s her private property.

Tell us!

Uh, hello! Who’s snooping on who now?

What does that even mean?

What’s it say?

Put it down.

Everyone please, just-

It’s not cool.

Put it down

Andy. That is her private property.

Boo.

Oh my god.

Uh huh.

See?

That’s where nosey’ll get you.

Told you so.

Darryl, Clark, Toby, Kevin, Plop. Take a knee. Alright, you guys are gonna think I’m psycho again. Uh, couldn’t shake this feeling that Erin’s dating someone so I looked at her phone.

Man, you can’t do that stuff. You’ll only find pain. When my ex-wife got into my e-mail account, she was devastated.

Too late. I found out she’s been texting a guy named Pete. Does anybody know a Pete?

Pete…

Hmm.

Pete what?

It just occurred to me that Andy has been calling me Plop for so long, he forgot my real name. Which is Pete.

whispers hello!

Hey! There she is. Pam laughs How you doin?

Hi! Hey, do I look ok?

You look great.

Yeah.

pointing to Jim’s bluetooth headset What’s that? Is that a-

Ok, I know where you’re going with this, and this is who I am now. I’m a douche. But look what I can do with my hands. Pam laughs

Isaac

Gotta go, VIP just walked through the door.

How are you, Isaac? You have something in your ear.

Isaac

It’s a phone?

Yes. It is. And thank you so much for setting up this opportunity, I really appreciate it.

Isaac

Of course, anything for Team Halpert. You’re gonna crush it, Pam.

Thanks.

You are gonna crush it. Wow, I missed you.

Wait, are you saying that into the phone or are you saying that to me.

touches headset Call you right back. What were you saying?

Ha ha.

Athlead Coworker

Hey, Jim! We’ve got Trent Edwards on the line.

I’ve gotta go, but you know what? Team Halpert, ok? You’re gonna crush it, you’re gonna smash it.Pam laughs OK, good luck!

Bye.

Gosh, she drank so much. And so quickly.

In her prime, Shirles could put away homemade schnapps morning noon and night.

coughs and laughs in her sleep

Shirley

Now all it takes is half a liter. She’s dreaming. Alright, let’s get her out to the yard so you can spray her down.

Spray her down?

No, it’s a lot better than it sounds. There’s a private shower area. Very tasteful, very rustic.

Hey.

Come on in. Have a seat. Uh, thanks for coming in, I just gotta get something off my chest. I just got some really weird news and uh, I’m just gonna come out and say it. I just got off the phone with my doctor, and it turns out I contracted reading computer screen shlmydia…from Erin. And it’s incurable. Pretty lame huh?

Yeah. long pause You were gone.

I knew it!

For a long time, Andy.

You and Erin are fuhhhhhhherraaaaa!

Andy, just so you know, there was no overlap.

No overlap? Great. Good. Wow. This is suddenly so easy. Guess what? You’re fired!

What?

Yeah. You. Are. Fired! One of the perks of being boss. I can fire anyone who steals my girlfriend. And wow, that turns out to be you. Yup. Sorry. singing So you had a bad day-

Andy?

..The camera don’t lie!

Andy.

You’re being an idiot get..

I’m trying..

Out of my office, turns out you’re fired…

Andy.

Because you suck.

You can’t fire-

And you’re fired…

If you want to talk to me

So you had a bad day…

I’ll be in the annex.

Rut ti doh doh…

Alright? I’ll be in the annex.

Rut tit doh doh…

Toby!

Rut ti doh doo doh

Toby?

You can’t fire Pete. You understand why, right?

No.

Oh, Andy, we had this exact same conversation when you wanted to get rid of Nellie. You can’t just get rid of people over grudges.

Nellie was a professional grudge. This is a purely personal grudge.

Alright, well look. While I have you here, this is a relationship disclosure form for Pete & Erin.

They already have a contract? Reading "Mutually agree to-" Ah, every phrase is like a dagger in my crotch.

It’s just boiler plating, you don’t have to read it.

Well, I’m not signing away my rights.

I already signed it. I was just showing you.

Ok, well we’ll see about that. crumples paper

Andy, it’s not the original. And destroying it will not stop them from dating. Andy. Andy throws paper at him and leaves, Toby straightens paper out It’s the original.

…singing talking Chester avenue, talking triplex, talking converting…Is that her? Hey guys! Say something.

Mark

Hello.

Hi, I’m Mark.

Mark

Hi, Pam, hello.

I’m the horrible boss around here, but please don’t hire Jamie Foxx to kill me. D’Jango! I don’t agree with the use of the "N" word in that movie. It’s, it’s too soon.

Mark

I’m Pam Halpert.

Oh, hi. They call me Marky Mark around here, because here at Simon Realty, we are one funky bunch! Come on you guys, raise the roof when I say that! I- what are you all temps again today? Let’s go, Gangnam style. laughs He’s heard Gangnam style, he knows it. Right? That’s cause he’s American. This is Carl. Uh, he’s from here. Our neck of the woods. But Gangnam style is great, isn’t it?

Mark

Oh my god. He’s Michael Scott.

Time to get clean!

Shirley

It’s hosing time Aunt Shirley, have a seat. You’re gonna have a hard time hearing her over the roar of the hose.

You have to use chains?

You’ll see. Here we go.

Let’s get this show on the road.

Shirley

Let’s do it! Ready? Here’s a box cutter to get her clothes off.

Dwight!

Let’s get to it.

No! No!

Give it a whirl.

Dwight, I am not gonna hose your aunt down like some animal.

Shirley

Stop your belly-aching and hose me.

I need you to hose my aunt.

No Dwight!

OK you are useless.

No, Dwight!

Give me the hose!

No Dwight, I won’t- hoses Dwight

Ahh! OK!

grunting I’m gonna give your aunt a proper bath and a haircut like a lady! And you two are gonna shut up about it! Do you have a bathtub?

Yes ma’am.

Good.

This is not an office so much as it is a uh, rec room with a bunch of computers in it. Frankly, if I had my way, I’d toss the computers in the gar-bage. But unfortunately we use them for practically everything we do. So. That ain’t gonna happen. He’s a temp, don’t worry about him. Alice! Alright, stay awake ok?

Mark

Hey Nellie. Mmm. I am so sick of February. It’s the shortest month but it sure doesn’t feel that way. We should catch up.

Um.

Y’know I’ve been going over my notes from the trial…

Oh no.

…feel like I may have glossed over a few…

No no no no.

…minor points.

No. Toby, you cannot keep blathering on about this Scranton Strangler. Do something about it. Get it out of your system, whatever it takes.

I’ve been drafting a letter.

For two years! Then what? Another year picking out a stamp? Another six months before you decide to lick it? Just- I don’t want to hear it!

Mark

My aunt Joan. Oh, uh well, she uh, she worked here before I did, so there’s no nepotism involved. In fact, to be honest with you I’m probably a little harder on her than I am on the rest of these people. Ah, cute. Not work on this…work on this months. Ok Nana? Uh, when I say "Chillax" people chillax. Watch this. Hey Roger, chillax! Must not have heard me.

No. I heard you.

Roger

Mark

Step this way for The Spanish Inquisition! laughs Kids in the Hall. Just, it’s not high pressure. Just a little Coffee Talk. Ok? Like butta. Come on in here. Mike Myers.

Mouths Oh my god.

Thank you! Thanks, thanks a lot. Really appreciate it. You guys are supposed to have my back. OK? Instead you let a guy named Plop steal my girlfriend.

Hey boss, I did everything I could. I invited Pete out for drinks, I emailed him shots of my junk….

Ugh.

Kid doesn’t have a romantic bone in his body.

Come on Andy, they’re a good match.

That doesn’t matter. Ok? What matters is that I am hurt! Deep hurt inside of me. I don’t care if they’re Romeo and freaking Juliet! I feel like the guy that Juliet dated before Romeo. Probably her boss. And guess what? Juliet’s boss also had feelings.

Hey, Andy.

What?!

You’ve got a booger bubble going on there.

wipes nose Sorry.

It’s ok.

My whole life is a booger bubble!

Mark

This is a tiny resume. Papa Smurf! Come back to the mushroom. Pam laughs From The Smurfs movie.

Yeah, I’ve seen that with my kids. Um, it is tiny, but I’ve actually been commissioned by the City of Scranton to paint a mural-

Mark

What does this say here? To ti te per tat… what language is this? Swahili? Oh wait a second, now I can read it.

Oh, cause it was upside down. both laugh

Mark

You’re a good audience. Pam laughs

So um-

Mark

Unlike some of these people around here.

Yeah, the um, the city commissioned me to do the-

Mark

Yeah, we don’t have a lot of call for doodling around here. But I like this resume and here’s why. It shows that you stick around. Yeah. You don’t jump ship easily. Like a lot of these people. I mean they worship me you know? But do they like me? I mean…you think they like me, Pam?

Yes.

Mark

gets guitar What if Bob Dylan was your boss? I’m gonna do Dylan! playing guitar and imitating Bob Dylan Pam Halpert is my name, and I’ve been at Dunder Mifflin for seven years? Eight years? Eight years, man. Got the Dunder Mifflin blues. Got the Pam Halpert blues. Got the pra- went to the Pratt Institute…You have children?

Two children, yes.

Mark

You wrote Art and Painting, kinda the same thing. Kinda the same thing. Sometimes I repeat myself, but that’s just being Pam. Well I’m kinda cute and I’m- but I’m married so…leave that be.

Hey. You got a sec to talk?

Kinda painful to chat with you Pete. Ever since the old one-two punch to my scrotum pole. Translation: penis. Translation? My manhood.

Yeah. Look, uh I understand breakups are tough. You know, it happens to all of us at some point in life. But you’ve gotta move on.

Great advice. Thank you, you can leave now.

Listen to him, Andy. He’s trying to tell you something that you really need to hear.

Awesome perspective. Thanks for butting in.

Well, I’ve been where you are now. I dated this girl Alice and it was an ugly breakup. She worked at a marketing agency right next to my house. I’d run into her every day but I had to grow up and deal with it, and I did. We’re even Facebook friends now.

See? We can all be friends!

Yeah.

Just, get over it. It doesn’t have to be awkward.

I do think we can have a fair….

Yeah, so life gives you lemons and you’ve just gotta eat them, rinds and all. And if you don’t want to eat them? Your ex-girlfriend will shove them down your throat with the help of her hunky new boyfriend. So that’s fun.

Nothing to see here! Boss at work. This will be your desk. Right up front. Best seat on the roller coaster, you must be this tall to ride this ride. No pregnant women allowed. Are you? Uh, yeah I don’t- not allowed to ask. So…

Mark

I am not pr-

You’re not.

Mark

Pregnant, no.

I didn’t ask her if she was pregnant. She just offered it. The last three girls here all got pregnant.

Mark

Wow.

Don’t be afraid, it’s a different chair. I don’t want a guy up here. I want to you know, see a woman come in and do a great job. Something that, I have to look out this window, I want someone-

Mark

I’m sorry I thought this job was for the position of office manager.

It is. Yeah, you would uh manage this office. Answer the phones and forward the calls and uh you know, go for a coffee run now and again.

Mark

So, kinda like a receptionist.

Yeah, like a receptionist, but we call you the office manager because uh, it’s less demeaning. By the way, how long are these uh, cameras gonna be following you around? Because I think this is pretty cool. Pretty pretty cool. Larry David, Curb Your Enthusiasm. Do you like that show?

Mark

Yes.

Well, I think they indulge themselves a little too much. I like scripted.

Mark

I spent 10 years as a receptionist, to Michael Scott. And I have kids now. And I just, I can’t.

Ow! The braid is too tight.

Shirley

Oh hush. Loose braids reflect a loose character. Now stay still.

Yes ma’am.

Shirley

I think your hair is much too long for your age, by the way.

Ok.

Shirley

There.

Thank you Angela.

Shirley

I’m going to the prison. This afternoon. I’m gonna talk to the strangler.

Probably best to use his real name rather than strangler.

Don’t use his real name. George Howard Scubb. It’s a devil name.

Well I just wanted to say I’m doing it. Toby leaves

He’s doing it.

on phone hey!

Hey, how’d the interview go?

Oh my gosh, wait until you. This guy was unbelievable. Ok so-

I can’t wait to hear about it later. Do you want to come in at eight? And uh, don’t eat because I’m ordering in.

Eight? Really?

I’ll make it worth your while, I promise.

Sure. I mean, it’s Philly. I can kill four hours. So uh, yeah. I’ll see you at eight.

Alright, love you.

Love you.

Alice

Hi.

Alice

I’m here from BCI Marketing Consultants to meet with Andrew Bernard.

Yes. The consultant. Andy said you can start right away so I will take you to your desk.

Alice

Ok, great. Thanks.

Fresh meat! Fresh meat! Making kissing noises

Just keep walking, don’t give her anything. She’ll take it and run. I’m Erin by the way.

Nice to meet you. Cute sweater.

Alice

Oh, thanks. Your shoes match. I’m bad at small talk.

I’m Kevin.

Alice

Pete?

Alice. Oh man.

Alice

It’s uh, been a while, huh?

What, do you two know each other?

Yeah. We uh, have a history.

Oh.

Alice

History. Wow, ok. We dated for two years.

That’s so random.

Well. Is it?

Andy also hired a management consultant today. Oh no. runs to front office

Hey Erin, look who’s back. The bird man.

Hello beautiful.

Didn’t you two used to do it?

We absolutely did. Thank you for remembering that.

She’s looking good.

Hi, I’m uh, Toby Flenderson. I’m here to see George Howard Scubb.

This is the prison. Uh, I am not going in there with expectations, per say. Uh, I will meet George Howard Scubb. I will tell him that I believe he is innocent. I would understand if he felt motivated to hug me. I would understand if a friendship began. How did, how did Bogart put it? imitating Humphrey Bogart I think this is a start of my first friendship.

So Pete was a librarian?

Alice

He worked as a librarian freshman year.

Was he like the sexy librarian?

Ok.

Is there like somebody who’s in charge of marketing? Maybe I should sit near him or her.

Alice

Hi.

Alice

Hi, how’s it going?

Hi. laughs Good. I’d love to discuss strategy with you if you have a marketing p-

Alice

Wow this sure is intense. Having to share a workspace with someone you used to get it on with?

Andy, that is really inappropriate.

Awkward.

It is awkward. This is a really uncomfortable situation that you’ve contrived.

high pitched Really uncomfortable situation.

Yeah.

It’s alright Pete, you can handle it. I mean we all just gotta "move on". Ain’t that right professor lecture much? Uh, question. How’s that medicine taste? Your own flavored? Is it just me or have these tables turned? Hmm. Hmm. leaves

So there’s no marketing department.

Alice

No.

You know, times were tough. I was unemployed, I was still heart-broken over you, I’ve lost a good fifty pounds. But as you can see I put all that weight right back on. Feel how fat my buttocks are. Yeah, it’s crazy. Touch it. It’s like a warm pumpkin.

So Andy just called you up out of the blue?

Yeah. He told me you two broke up.

Yeah.

You must be pretty horny. Erin shakes head no

well, the good news is no more guilty conscience. At least you know he is the strangler. The proof is in the grip. Did they say when the vocal cords would heal? Toby nods One week? Toby shakes head Ok, two weeks? Toby nods Ok. You offered your neck in search of the truth. The proud neck of justice. Isn’t that the expression? No. Well, anyway, it was, it was very brave. It really was quite brave.

Shirley

I feel like a show pony.

And you look like one too. Thank you Angela.

You’re welcome. Would you like some stew?

By all means. And I will carve the roast skunk. Angela?

Mmhm.

Would you like the stink sack?

Is it any good?

No, you don’t eat it. It’s a toy, like a wish bone. You know, prettiest girl gets the stink sack.

Thank you. both laugh

So, when’s the wedding?

Shirley

Oh, um actually uh, we are just friends.

That’s what Mose said about his lady scarecrow and look what he did to that poor thing.

Shirley

Hello?

Hey! Back here.

Oh, wow. Seriously? Oh my gosh, is that champagne?

Si, senor.

Oh, Jim I should have told you I didn’t get the job.

Oh man. I’m so sorry. Are you alright?

Oh, yeah. I’m more than alright. There’s just nothing to celebrate.

Are you kidding? We’re in Philly. We’re having dinner together. And this is just consolation champagne. It’s from the part of France that immediately gave up to the Nazis. Here.

laughs You’re very quick on your feet. I remember you. Funny.

Alright. So, tell me all about it.

Ok. Well, gosh. Thank you for your help today. Your perspective was very useful. Thank you.

It was not an unpleasant way to spend an afternoon. They shake hands. Then kiss Dwight, Dwight.

Right. Not outside. The horseflies. You know what? My farm is only a few acres East of here. Or, we could use the slaughterhouse.

No, Dwight. The Senator.

Leave him. He probably won’t even notice that you’re gone. Be with me, Monkey.

I can’t be your monkey, Dwight.

I’m not talking about some frisky romp in the warehouse. We have wasted too much of our lives ignoring the fact that we belong together. The eighty or ninety years that I have left in this life…I want to spend with you.

I made a vow. I gave my word.

Stand by your man. It’s what I would want if you were mine.

Good night, D.

How are you doing? Is it really rough?

It is so unpleasant. You?

Hey, love turds. Conference room, now.

Thank you all for coming in. Just wanted to check in. How is everyone’s day?

Honestly, it was a little weird.

Really? Hmm. That’s interesting. Because Erin and Pete thought it wouldn’t be weird at all. Why do you think it was weird, Gabe? Maybe because you and Erin used to be an item?

I still wear Erin’s button-downs around the condo sometimes. So it feels to me like we’re still in a relationship-

Gabe!

…a lot of the time.

And Alice, uh, I understand you once dumped Pete, ouch.

Dude, it was an amicable break up Andy.

Ok, while we’re rewriting history, you never had a drinking problem.

Alice

It was college. That is what you do.

Yeah you’re also supposed to go to classes, so there’s that.

Alice

Hey, Andy, is this at all work related?

We’ll get to that. Gabe, did Erin ever tell you that she loves you?

laughs Oh no no no no no no. She wouldn’t even let me say it. It was adorable. She would plug her ears and scream her heat out.

Gabe, can you stop talking? Cause every word out of your mouth is like the squawk of an ugly pelican.

I got a tattoo for you.

I didn’t ask you to get that Nike Swoosh. Nobody did! You did that for you!

Just do it. You were the it that I was just doing.

So you’re dating a secretary now? Moving up in the world, Pete.

Alice

She’s nice to me.

How’s that P.E. degree coming? That’s what he wanted to be. His dream in college was to be a gym teacher.

Alice

Well, guess what? He could still be a gym teacher. In fact, we could all still be gym teachers, so, let’s-

I technically cannot. I don’t have the lung capacity to blow a whistle.

Oh my god.

What kind of music are you into, Peter?

Uh, I like all kinds of music, Gabe.

Really? All kinds? So you like songs of hate written by the white knights of the Ku Klux Klan?

No!

Erin, are you even hearing this?

He didn’t even say that.

He is not a very sophisticated man, I mean he can’t even use chopsticks, so. Do I need to say anything else?

Alice

Erin, I’ve been to Japan. I know how to use chopsticks so well. Come back. One night.

Gabe, I don’t-

Give me one night with you…

What is that supposed to mean?

I have shaved everything…

I don’t want you to shave everything.

Alice

I wasted two years of my life on you, you realize that right?!

I just want to be real clear that chopsticks is not the measure of a man. Erin and Gabe argue in background

I am as smooth as a porpoise. {Erin argues

Why don’t you say in the beginning: "This isn’t really going that well"

Shove his sashimi!

What do you-!

Alice

Because I had to wait- all argue

Alright, yes. That is a legitimate question. Does making Erin and Pete feel bad make me feel better? Erin & Gabe and Alice & Pete argue in background Yeah. Yeah, it does.

So, imagine like the real estate version of Michael Scott and that was this guy. He did half the interview as Ace Ventura.

Tell me about the cologne. How much?

Oh, uh, entire bottle. At least.

You’re definitely hoarding this by the way.

Guess what poster he had on his wall?

Austin Powers.

MmMm.

Ferris Bueller.

MmMm. You’re getting colder.

Not Night at the Roxbury.

laughs No. The Odd Life of Timothy Green.

I’m sorry, how did you think I was expected to guess that?

I don’t know, but it’s interesting right?

It’s fascinating.

He said he can’t help but tear up when he looks at it. It’s like right next to his desk. He must look at it twenty times a day.

That’s amazing. Well, listen. You can’t win ’em all, right?

Mmhm.

So, next interview has to be better.

I don’t know.

What do you mean? Of course it will. You’re amazing.

I know. It’s just even if it was, a great boss and a great job, I just, I don’t know, I don’t know if I want, um, I don’t know if I want this.

long pause Huh. This is a little out of left field.

Is it? I just, I liked our life in Scranton.

And I have started a business in Philadelphia. Pam shrugs

Oscar’s Computer

My grandfather know. Mah Jong will be here to stay. Hobbies of the East continues in a moment.

You could all be doing this, just saying.

I watch way too many ads online and I don’t do enough situps. So I bought these. Now, every time an ad pops up online, I get 30 seconds of ab blasting. I call it Ads for Abs. Ironically, I learned about the boots from an ad online.

Why can’t you just do regular sit-ups?

I’ll tell you why. Because…the floor…is…disgusting. Yeah, my trainer said everybody fails working out, that’s how you win. Alright tries to pull himself up Ok. Kevin? A little help buddy?

Oh, why don’t your famous stomachs help you now?

Can someone please help me?

Ow, these teas are hot, can someone help me please? Erin moves Oscar out of the way for Phyllis

Just- People! I’m not going anywhere. Soon, my core will get strong again and when that happens I’ll be able to- Head rush! Ah! Can someone please help me? Kevin shuts door I- Hey! I’m not going anywhere! I’ll be right here! Oh that’s not good. Oscars computer reads: Coming this May: The Office: An American Workplace. Ten years in the making, a look at the lives and loves of an average American small business office. Hey guys! I’ve got twenty bucks for anyone who will help me. Kevin, would you like a pizza?

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