The Target - The Office (Season 9, Episode 8)
Oscar believes that Angela does not know about his affair with her husband, but in fact she is playing dumb in order to keep Oscar off his guard while she makes arrangements to have him killed. She goes
to Dwight for help, without telling him the details, and he calls a fellow former volunteer sheriff's deputy named Trevor for assistance. After Trevor shows his credentials, Angela says she wants the
target murdered, which Dwight protests is too extreme, so they compromise to breaking the target's kneecaps. Dwight realizes the target is Oscar when Angela angrily crushes a cookie given to her by
Oscar and then overhears Oscar in a phone call with Angela’s husband.
Dwight tries to get Angela to reconsider, but Trevor has already arrived to carry out the job. Dwight rushes to get Oscar out,
but they run into Trevor outside. A struggle between the three men ensues, with Oscar ultimately managing to take away Trevor's lead pipe. Trevor runs away, and Oscar and Dwight are confronted
by Angela, who blames Oscar for turning her husband gay. Oscar tells Angela that she can hate him, but says that her husband was always gay, and refuses to hand the lead pipe over to Angela.
She kicks him in the shin instead, and is comforted by Dwight. Upset that they do not understand homosexuality, Dwight and Angela go to Toby, who is confounded and disturbed by their outlandish
questions over homosexual activity.
Jim asks Dunder Mifflin CEO David Wallace if he can work part-time so he can go to Philadelphia to help with his sports marketing job. David Wallace says that he might be needed in the office
if there is a crisis with one of his clients, to which he responds that Stanley and Phyllis have agreed to cover for him, though he in fact has not asked them yet. Stanley and Phyllis
respond with their usual disinterest in helping others, so Jim offers to treat them to lunch. Stanley and Phyllis order extra side dishes and help themselves to an excess of wine, annoying
Jim with drunken behavior and silencing him whenever he brings up the subject of their covering for him.
When they arrive back at the office, a drunk Stanley and Phyllis are seemingly passed out in the backseat of Jim's car. When Jim puts his coat on them to keep them warm, Phyllis and Stanley say
they will cover for him as they care for Jim and his family, laughing as they reveal they were only pretending to balk to get a free lunch. Jim gives both of them a hug.
Pam decides to start painting her mural in the warehouse, but has a hard time getting started as she is afraid of it not being perfect. Meanwhile, bored with having to fill out customer complaint
cards (which he finds redundant because the complaints are already in the computer), Pete uses them to build a card tower in the annex with other employees. The card tower takes on a
deeper meaning for the employees when Pete points out that it is composed of failures made by every one of them (excepting only Pam), and thus proves that they should not be ashamed of
their failures. Erin glares at him with more and more interest as time progresses.
They decide to try to make it go all the way to the ceiling, but end up one complaint card short. Not
wanting to use a blank card as it would defy the point of the tower, Pam offers to complete the tower by getting her first customer complaint. She calls one of their smaller clients,
delivers a yo mama joke, and hangs up. The client, whose mother was actually obese and is now deceased, drops Dunder Mifflin as their paper supplier, leaving them simultaneously
excited over getting that last complaint and disappointed over losing a client. After celebrating the completion of the card tower, Pam finally starts painting the mural, saying
artists should not care too much in what others think, further asserting this by telling off Hide when he insults her artwork.
Best Funny Quotes From The Office - The Target
 | Yesterday, Angela may or may not have figured out that I’m having an affair with her husband. So I just have to wait and see. When she comes in, if she’s cold and awkward and cruel to me, then great, it’s business as usual. | |
| Good morning. clears throat | |
 | Oscar… sighs can I ask you a question? | |
| whispering Of course, ask me a que– questions. | |
| Is it cool in here to you? | |
| hoarsely Yes, a little bit. normal voice Yes. | |
| I think the thermostat is acting up again. | |
| It’s the stupid thermostat! That thing is a catastrophe. So I’m gonna, um, on your suggestion, get someone to fix it. I’ll just go downstairs. | |
| Thank you. | |
| No, thank you, Angela. | |
| She doesn’t know. I shouldn’t be surprised. This is a woman who married a man who is obviously a homosexual. Basically, she has her head in the sand. In a way I feel sorry for her. I guess the universe rewards true love. | |
| Well, well, well, it’s finally happened. Pam has ceased caring. |  |
 | These are my painting clothes.I think I’m gonna do it. I am really gonna start painting the warehouse mural today. Jim applauds | |
| Sure you don’t want to put another coat of primer on that Pam?Queen of the primer, that one. |  |
 | You got this, Beesley. Actually, do you want me to come down and help you get started? | |
| Are you avoiding your phone call? | |
| What? Yeah, right. As if. | |
| Today I will be asking David Wallace if I can start working part-time, because the sports marketing company that I started really needs me to be there. | |
| Last week Jim wasn’t there, and they named the company Athlead. | |
| I could have prevented that. So I have to talk to Wallace. | |
| Tell them your opening line. | |
| sighs Hey David, how would you like a guy who’s not here as much, gets paid the same amount of salary, and has bigger fish to fry in Philadelphia? | |
| I think it’s good. He likes fishing. | |
| This is gonna be awful. | |
 | One of my jobs is to input customer complaints into the computer. And when they’re in, I fill out one of these cards. But the information’s already on the computer, so….why am I filling out the card? I asked Andy, and he told me to "chillax," and then went away on a big, long boat ride. So here we are. Don’t give me a pointless office chore, because I will build a little paper house. Fight the power. | |
| Meet me in the old place, five minutes. I need you. | |
| upon seeing Dwight naked Ugh! | |
| Come on in, the water’s fine. | |
| Dwight, it’s not that kind of meeting. Put your clothes back on. | |
| I know. That’s not why I’m naked. I always work out without my clothes. does jumping jacks | |
| Just put them on! Put on your clothes. I need your help. I need someone who can operate outside of the law. Ugh. | |
| Oh, I’m sorry, your vigilante privileges ended when you broke up with me. If I’m not in your panties, I don’t go vigilantes. Why don’t you ask your husband? | |
| My marriage is in danger. I don’t know who I can trust. I need someone to be there for me. | |
| sighs All right, what are we talking? Surveillance, wire-tapping? | |
| Something like that. | |
| Yeah, the less I know, the better. I know just the guy. He was a volunteer sheriff too. Kicked off the force. | |
| Can you arrange a meeting? | |
| I can try. I’m gonna use SMS text. | |
| Okay. | |
| Text went through. | |
| Okay. | |
| All we can do is sit and wait. | |
| Okay. | |
| phone vibrates Oh, look at that. Yeah, he’s free anytime. Not a problem. | |
| I mean, I can handle any client issues from Philly. | |
| on phone Yeah, but I really need someone in the office. If there’s a crisis — the more I think about it — |  |
| Oh, you mean handle it in person. Oh, well, Phyllis and Stanley have agree to cover for me while I’m gone. | |
| They did? | |
| Yep. | |
| Oh, okay. Well, that is different. In that case, yes– Maybe this can work. | |
| Oh, great. | |
| Why should we help you? |  |
| Because we’re friends. | |
| When is my birthday? | |
| Unfair. When’s my birthday? | |
| I don’t know, because we’re not friends. | |
| How about this– You let me take you to lunch, and I make my case? | |
| Now we’re talkin’. | |
| All right. | |
| Yeah. |  |
 | Make it go taller. | |
| That’s the idea. | |
| No, not taller this way, taller this way. gesturing with hands | |
| Well, I’ve gotta build a wider base first before I can go higher. | |
| You’re not getting this, Peter. Make it go wider… up! | |
| Will do. | |
 | entering What are y’all doing? | |
| Me and Pete are building a tower. | |
| Cool. It should be taller though, right? | |
| Obviously. He’s a sweet kid, Darryl. But he’s not the sharpest guy in the drawer. | |
| Kevin, I can hear you. | |
| Huh? | |
| Ow! Dwight! Ow! | |
| Get in the van. | |
| God! | |
| Is it safe to talk? | Trevor |
| Well, this documentary crew has been following our every move for the past nine years, but I don’t see them so I think we’re good. | |
| So what are your credentials? | |
Trevor | I started following people around to get exercise. Turns out, I’m damn good at it. | |
| Do you have a gun? | |
| snickers Does he own a gun? Show her. | |
| What is this? | |
| It’s the receipt for my gun. | Trevor |
| You don’t carry it with you? | |
| Read the receipt. That’s a $300 gun. Someone could steal it. | Trevor |
| Do you have any idea how many guns Trevor’s had stolen from him? | |
| Now I keep it in a safe. | Trevor |
| Mm-hmm. Good safe? | |
| Oh, you tell me. shows Dwight receipt | Trevor |
| Wow! | |
| studying mural wall I guess if I make a mistake, I can just paint over it with a shrub or something. It’s just, I think less of paintings with a lot of shrubs. So, I’m gonna limit myself to one shrub. | |
 | You paint wall now? | |
| Yeah. Painting now. I just want to make sure that… | |
| You paint now. | |
| It’s probably gonna be a few minutes. So you can just go back to doing whatever you were doing. | |
| I wait. | |
| Sweet. | |
 | Yay! | |
| That’s what I’m talkin’ about. | |
| This next card comes to us thanks to Meredith Palmer, who called Eastern Pennsylvania Seminary a, quote ‘sausage factory.’ | |
| Oh OOOH! | |
 | approving cheers | |
| Boom! | |
| Bang. | |
| Yep, yep, yep. | |
| All right. Up next we got a whole lotta Creed. | |
| Let’s find out what I did. |  |
| All right. | |
| You get half now and half upon completion of said job. | |
Trevor | And that’s all off the books? | |
| Obviously. | |
| Okay, so everything you need to know about the target is in here. | |
| Murder. | |
Trevor | Okay, that’s the big one. That’s the big "M." | |
| You can’t have someone murdered. | |
| What if they deserved it? | |
| What did they do to you, Angela? | |
| They’re sleeping with my husband. | |
| Oh, Monkey. Oh, I feel for you. | |
Trevor | This seems a little crazy. | |
| Yes. Crazy. Thank you. | |
Trevor | But I think I’m up for it. | |
| No! No! | |
| Thank you. | |
| Absolutely not. There are a lot of different ways to get revenge. I’ve had great success by defecating in a paper bag, put it on the porch– | |
Trevor | That’s very effective. I’ve been on the receiving end of that quite a few times. It’s devastating. | |
| No, no, no. It has to be physical. I want this person to suffer. | |
Trevor | What about a knee-capping? | |
| No! You’re not helping, Trevor! | |
| Yes, a knee-capping could work. | |
| No. Angela! What are you saying? | |
| You said you would be there for me. | |
| I’m trying, but what you’re asking is– | |
| It’s the only thing that will make this right. | |
| Okay. But it’s cruel, because a woman with damaged knees can’t scrub worth a damn. | |
Trevor | All right, then it’s settled. One knee-capping. Now, the hit goes down at 4:00. Keep in mind, once I leave, there’s no turning back. | |
| You know, truth be told, I think all you’ll really be doing is accepting calls from my clients while I’m gone. | |
| We’ve got all afternoon to talk about that. | |
| I’ll have the surf and turf with a side order of lobster. | |
| Actually, the surf and turf does come with lob– | Waiter |
| Not enough lobster. Side order. | |
| How much wine do you have? | |
| I brought you a cookie. | |
| Oh, thanks, Oscar. You’re such an angel. | |
| talking into phone I just gave her a cookie, and she called me an angel, so… yeah, we’re good. Yeah. exhales We dodged a bullet, yes. Okay. Yeah. Yeah, yeah– Well, I gotta go now, but– Okay, bye. Bye. | |
| There we go. | |
| cheers and applause | |
| Nicely done. Very nicely done. All right, this next one goes to Darryl for pocket dialing a customer while having sex. | |
 | Oooohh… you salty dog. | |
| Well, yeah, what can I say, a player’s gotta play. | |
| There you go. | |
| Actually, that was the sound of me eating spaghetti. But I’m gonna let them think the other thing. | |
| Okay, I got this one. | |
| Oh, be careful! Be careful! Be careful | |
| No, I got it. Easy does it, everyone. Nobody even take a breath. | |
| shouting as tower collapses Oh no! Kevin! | |
| What did I just say? What did I just say? | |
| Hey, hey, hey, it’s just a mistake. Just a mistake. That’s what this tower’s all about — mistakes. Okay, if you’re afraid of screwing up, the tower’s not for you. Show of hands — who here has never had a complaint? That’s right. Nobody. See that? Nobody. Okay? Let’s get back to work, huh? Come on, you in? | |
| Yeah. | |
| There we go. All right, let’s do it. | |
| You know, at the end of the day, it’s really only two days. I mean, I’ll be back in the office. If you need me for an emergency, call me. I’ll be there… | |
| You know what? I don’t know where the years went. ‘Cause sometimes when I look at my hands, I don’t even recognize them. | |
| Tell me about it. | |
| Whose hands are these? holding out her hands to Jim Theyre not my hands. I don’t know. | |
| All right. You know what? Maybe we’ll just… We’ll go slow. | |
| No. Jim… wine bottle clangs on plate | |
| All right. Check it out. | |
| cheers and applause | |
| Like a Phoenix from the ashes. Ksshhhh! | |
| Nice. Pretty soon, we’re gonna be at the ceiling. | |
| Whoo! | |
| Can you hand me a card? | |
| Um,. it’s empty. | |
| What? | |
| Oh, come on. We could use a blank card. | |
| No!! | |
| That’s cheating. | |
| I could get us a complaint. | |
| You? Little Miss Priss? You wouldn’t fart on a butterfly. | |
| No, I wouldn’t. I can’t even relate to that impulse. But I bet I could get us a customer complaint. I’d like to try. | |
| Hmm. Yeah. All right! Yea, go, Pam! Pam… | |
| chanting "Pam!" | |
| What? Why did you call me out here? | |
| The target– it’s Oscar, isn’t it? He and the senator are gaying each other. | |
| I don’t know what you’re talking about. | |
| Your nostrils tell a different story. They flare like that every time you’re engaging in deception. Hello again, naughty nostrils. | |
| Fine! It’s Oscar. So what? | |
| Well I could understand you wanting to get a stranger’s knees whacked. But a co-worker– Dare I say, a friend? | |
| Exactly, a friend. Someone who sits next to you year after year, making chitchat and smiling, and all the while running behind your back and defiling your marriage and seducing your husband. | |
| I can’t even imagine how painful this must be for you. But the first ones to break your marriage vows were you and me. | |
| Well, you might be right. But it’s too late now. | |
| What do you mean? | |
| He’s here. | |
| No! No, no! groans | |
| Oscar? Oscar. Oscar, good. Hey come with me. | |
| What? | |
| Come — come with me. | |
| What are you doing? | |
| There are a bunch of construction workers in the warehouse without their trousers, drinking diet sodas. You have got to see this. They’re extraordinary. | |
| Yahtzee. | |
Trevor | Sandwich delivery for Mr. Oscar Martinez. | |
| I am Oscar Martinez. | |
| No, not him, not him. Outside. Outside. | |
| Wha– wh– | |
| You know, there’s doughnuts in the break room. | |
| Nice! Yeah. | |
| Listen, I was really wondering if maybe we could lock this down before lunch is over. | |
| Don’t be pushy Jim. It’s tacky. | |
| All right. Phyllis! Phyllis, that’s– that’s decorative. | |
| No, there’s wine in here. | |
| Still decorative. | |
| Is it white wine? | |
| No. | |
| to customer Can you help me? | |
| Don’t– don’t– don’t pole people with knives. | |
| groaning while trying to open giant wine bottle ha ha! | |
| Phyllis! Wow. | |
| Ooh, bring it over. | |
| Got it. | |
| There’s no time to explain. descending stairs Okay, actually, there is time to explain. When Angela found out that you seduced her husband, we hired a guy to break your knee caps. | |
| Oh, my God! What is wrong wiht you? | |
| What is wrong with you? There are a million gorgeous guys in the Scranton Wilkes-Barre area, and you choose the man who’s the father of her child? | |
| I don’t know what you’re talking about. | |
| Oh, don’t lie. I’m trying to save those precious knees you’re always bragging about. Now, let’s get out of here. He could be right behind us. | |
| Aah! Actually, he’s right in front of us. | |
| Let’s get it on. I’m gonna do this. I might– I might puke, but I’m gonna do this. | Trevor |
| No, Trevor, I am not gonna let you. He’s a Dunder-Mifflin man. He’s my tribe. | |
| I’m sorry, Dwight, but for once in my stupid, stupid life, I’m gonna follow through on something, all right? I have masculinity issues– Stop! No! | Trevor |
| I got it. | |
| Disarm! | |
Trevor | You don’t– all three grunting | |
| Don’t move. And disarm now! Oscar gets weapon away from others | |
Trevor | Okay, okay, okay, okay. | |
| No! No, Oscar. He’s a friend. He’s a friend. | |
| Okay, the client is Heymont Brake and Tire. They’re family-owned, but don’t let that take away from your edge! | |
| Come on, Pam, I know you can fail. I see failure in you. | |
| Remember, you’re a scumbag, so you think scummy thoughts. Like this. | |
| into phone Hello, this is Pam Halpert. I’m calling from Dunder-Mifflin. Yes, your paper provider. And I just called to say… your mama is so fat, when she wears red, people yell, "Hey, kool-aid." Yeah, your mama’s fat. This is Pam Halpert. | |
| Did she buy it? | |
| Basically I couldn’t tell, but I think… | |
| Were they angry? | |
| I– I thought they were confused at least… | |
| Okay. | |
| Dunder Mifflin. This is Erin. Yes, you can. Okay. I will make sure that goes on file. hangs up Ladies and gentlemen, we just lost a client! | |
| cheering | |
| Nice. Nice. | |
| You did good. You did good. | |
| See ya later, Heymont. | |
| No. | |
| If you chase me, I will run so fast. If you catch me I will bite so hard. Got it? Good-bye, my friend. | Trevor |
| What the hell, Dwight? | |
| See ya later, Trevor. | |
| you are incorrigible! | |
| I just saved your life. You’re welcome! | |
| You hired someone to hit me with a pipe! | |
| You deserved every bit of it! You made my husband gay. | |
| What– what I did was wrong, and I have to live with that every day. But your husband is… gay. He was gay when you married him! | |
| No. No. | |
| Angela, until you face that, you’re gonna be confused and angry for all the wrong reasons. But if you want to blame me for the whole thing, go ahead — I won’t stop you. Hit me. you have my blessing. Hit me. | |
| Well are you gonna let go of it? Because part of the blame is definitely on you. | |
| Angela, it’s a lead freaking pipe. | |
| God! kicks Oscar | |
| Aah! | |
| You were supposed to be my friend. | |
| I’m so sorry. Angela– | |
| Oscar. | |
| Our crowning complaint card comes to us thanks to Pamela Halpert… | |
| cheers and applause | |
| For insulting a client’s recently deceased mother. | |
| Yes! | |
| I did not know that. | |
| Well, a woman who struggled with obesity all her life. | |
| I’m so sorry. | |
| Wow. | |
| yeah. That’s– that is terrible. | |
| cheers and applause as Pete puts last card on tower | |
| You did it. | |
| Yeah! | |
| I feel so stupid. I sit next to him every day. | |
| You’re not stupid. Jazz is stupid. | |
| crying Jazz is stupid! I mean, just play the right notes! | |
| I know. You’re gonna be okay, Monkey. | |
| I don’t like your friend Trevor. | |
| I don’t like him either. And yet I really like him. | |
| Well, we’re here. Perfect. covers sleeping Phyllis with his jacket | |
| We’re gonna cover for you, ya know. | |
| chuckles | |
| Phyllis, what was that?Phyllis are you dreaming, or– | |
| laughing I did enjoy grinding your beans, son. | |
| laughing Yeah, we really did peel your grapes. | |
| This is hilarious, but we’re gonna stop with all– | |
| Shuckin’ your peas. | |
| Shuckin’ the peas. You should go back to the first part, though. You are gonna cover for me? | |
| Yeah. | |
| Of course we are, Jimmy. We love you guys. | |
| Oh, my God, thank you. hugging both Thank you. | |
| If you’re an artist, you have to be okay with the idea that you can’t please everybody all the time. | |
| You paint very bad– | |
| Shut up, Hide! I mean, do you think Kevin cares what people think about him– or Creed or Meredith? Oh my gosh, these are my role models now. You know what? I’m okay with that. | |
| Where does gayness come from? And how is it transmitted? | |
 | That is– that is a loaded question. | |
| My pastor said it can come from breast feeding. | |
| He said that? | |
| Well, he didn’t fight me hard on it. | |
| I– I don’t know if there’s truth to– to, uh, to that. | |
| What is it called when two men intertwine their penises like the snakes on the medic-alert bracelet? | |
| Oh… uh… | |
| Is it called red-vining? | |
| Is it called red-vining? | |
| I don’t… | |
| We heard it was called red-vining. | |
| People red vine. | |
| Where are gay mens’ vaginas? | |
| They don’t have vaginas. | |
| What? | |
| No. They’re just regular men. | |
| When two gay men have sex, how do they know whose penis will open up to accept the other person’s penis? | |
| Uh… wow…. | |