Work Bus - The Office (Season 9, Episode 4)

Jim is irritated that Dwight will not fulfill his landlord responsibilities and fix the dangerously substandard office wiring, as Dwight does not want to pay for the expensive rewiring or give everyone a week off for this purpose. Jim comes up with a plan to pretend that the building’s magnetic power is affecting Dwight’s fertility, in order to get the repairs as well as a week off from work for his wife Pam (whom he is trying to be extra nice to in order to show gratitude for her supporting him for his new job plans). The fertility prank is executed when Jim pops a few kernels in a popcorn bag and places it under one of the exposed areas, to make it look like the magnetic power popped it. Dwight promptly shuts down the office, but to the disappointment of Jim, rents a tightly-spaced bus for the staff to work on. At one point, they pick up a hitchhiker, which turns out to be Creed, who was playing hooky.

Jim harnesses the office workers' love of a local pie stand to please Pam. Kevin shows a hidden talent for math now that pie is involved, able to calculate the time it would take to drive to the stand before it closes. Annoyed by the pressure, Dwight eventually gets angry and climbs onto the roof of the bus, refusing to drive any further. Pam suspects something else is wrong and asks Jim to talk to him. Jim learns that Dwight thought his magnetic power prank was real as he suspects he is infertile, which he believes explains why he was not the father of Angela's baby. Jim assures Dwight that that was a prank, and that he is like a father to the entire office. Enlightened, Dwight drives everyone to the pie stand where they have a great finish to their day.

Nellie asks for Andy's help in adopting a baby, as the local adoption agency requires a reference letter from an employer. Andy promises to read her application letter, but tells the camera crew he will only sign it if she admits that she is a horrible person in it. However, Andy is unaware that Erin is using her own painful past as a non-adopted orphan to help Nellie with the process. When Andy coldly rejects Nellie's letter (which Erin helped her write), Nellie accepts his decision, but Andy is stunned to hear Erin crying sadly over the failure. He finally adds some mildly snarky but complimentary lines to her letter and signs onto it as a reference, leaving Nellie overjoyed.

Best Funny Quotes From The Office - Work Bus

Alright everybody, great season of softball, I’m super proud of you guys and I think you’re gonna like this little highlight reel that I put together. Andy plays video

Dunder Mifflin!

Andy Bernard presents: Summer Softball Epic Fails! Kevin swings bat on screen, fart noise follows Fail. repeats Fail.

That’s me. repeats

Fail.

Is this like a blooper reel?

A blooper reel? What is this, 2005? I look like Bob Saget? Fail! Points to video Who’s this guy? Jim steps back and forth from plate on video as Andy sings Meow Mix themeLook at him dance. Fail!

Fail!

I deserved that.

Darryl runs in slow motion on video Do do do do do do do.

That was a triple.

Can’t take the fail? Get out of the fail video!

My pleasure.

Video Andy

Hey, I’m Pete, puberty is such a drag, man. And I’m Clark! I like to eat toilet paper. Clark and Pete wave at camera We fail! Video shows memorial of Jerry

I’d like to take a solemn moment to remember Jerry in the warehouse who passed away this year. Screen flashes ‘FAIL’ over Jerry’s face, accompanied by fart noise, repeats twice. Well, that’s all folks. photo of Andy watersking shows on screen Ski ya later everybody. Thanks for a great season. Group claps halfheartedly

What was that? That was just a normal video with you making vulgar noises.

Well, I worked with what I had, Oscar. Next time do more failure stuff, OK?

Uh, what happened to that video I sent you?

Oh that wasn’t…that didn’t work. That was not the right..Group protests

I think I got it right here. Cheering on screen, Andy struggles with lifting water cooler, then falls over dumping the fluids on himselfGroup laughs

That was not a fail.

Fail! Fail! Fail!…

Group continues chanting "Fail!"That was actually a serious accident that could have resulted in severe bodily harm. Group keeps chanting You’re all failing right now. Group continues Congratulations on your epic fail of the use of the word fail! Group claps and chants

Toby uses tester on wall as Erin marks wall with red tape X Oh, god.

What’s going on?

Nothing! Nothing is going on. Keep moving please.

What’s he measuring?

OK, excuse me. I am the landlord. This is between me and the management, no one else. Please.

It’s an EMF hotspot.

Gasps Oh my god!

It stands for electromagnetic field. Generally cause by a concentration of wiring in one area Erin marks red tape X on the floor Especially if they’re poorly insulated. Dwight.

Um, OK I’m just walking into this. Am I to understand there is a bee hive in the wall?

You think I have a machine for measuring bee hives?

I was just asking a question, Toby. How are you not murdered every hour?

Well I’m not getting paid to work in a microwave oven.

OK, listen. Everything here is up to code.

mocking Oh, the wires need insulation. normal voice It’s a wire people. I’m not buying it a fur coat.

Jim rushes to open door for her Thank you.

You got it.

Last week, I finally told Pam about the other job I took in Philly…the side job. And she was so incredibly cool about it. And now I just wanna do something huge for her. Like if we were in some biker bar and she mouthed off to some bikers and they came lumbering over and I was like wham! mimes punch Gotta go through me first.

Andy, could I have a word please? Um, it won’t take a moment. It’s extremely important and it really has to happen now.

Fine. I will give you one minute.

Oh, please don’t use the hourglass.

You have one minute and your minute has begun and no time will be added at the end, even to accommodate this sentence with all of it’s baroque dependent clauses and cascading turns of phrase.

I’m trying to adopt a baby.

A baby what? A human?!

And the…agency require a character reference from my employer.

Oh.

You wouldn’t have to do anything. I would write the letter myself and you just simply sign it. So.

Oh, OK. And fall right into your plagiarism entrapment scheme? I don’t think so.

It’s not..it’s-

And I happen to notice you’re down to about thirty seconds here.

Well then if I could just convince…

And those sand grains are tumbling..

You.

With fury…

It’s not..it’s not

Down the sides..

Entrapment if I’m..

Of the hourglass..

..writing..

Time’s up!

Fine.

Sure. I’ll read her letter. And if she tells the truth about how evil and unfit to be a mother she is, then yeah. I’ll sign that.

Reading from computer "Statistical correlations exist between EMF radiation and various health hazards. But mainstream studies are inconclusive!" That means you can’t make me do squat.

You better fix this. I already ditched my uterus and I ain’t losing any more good parts.

You people don’t realize what you’re asking. I’d have to rip open the walls. We’d have to shut this place down for a week.

Week off. That’d be great.

Jim puts popcorn bag in microwave Hey, if you don’t want to teach me Power Point, just say so.

I don’t want to teach you Power Point.

Come on! Just show me the Power Point.

Just do the tutorial.

You’re the tutorial.

No, dude, I’m not. I’m not the tutorial.

You could be.

Mm-mm.

to Jim What are you doing?

Getting my wife a week off from work.

You popped one kernel.

Awesome, right? leaves

So Creed is that dude’s step dad?

Correct.

Well, I don’t know about the rest of you but I’m just gonna say it. I’m nervous. I have no idea what health problems this is all gonna cause. group agrees, protests

What? Come on.

I’m getting older. I’m losing my hair…

I’m not gonna grow a third arm!

I know what Jim is trying to do. He’s trying to get big bad Dwight to shell out for a huge repair job while lucky Jimbo gets a paid vacation. Well sorry, lucky Jimbo, I can live very happily in a magnetic field. Most of my childhood heroes got their power that way.

reading from computer "Side effects of EMF include: headaches…"

Had ’em all my life.

"..breast pain…"

No nobbies, no probbies. Nice try Jim.

Oof. "Infertility."

scoffs Yeah right. Dwight moves mouse pad over his crotch

Ah! There’s my popcorn. Can you just grab that for me?

Psh. Keep your snacks on your side, Jim. Idiot. notices popped kernels in the bag What the?

What?

Some of these kernels have crowned.

That’s impossible, cause that’s a brand new bag…looks up to ceiling where there is a red tape X over Dwight’s chair Oh my god.

Andy! Jim mimes basketball shot

I’m gonna drive you up to the lake, give you a whole week on the water. Just you, me and the kids.

Oh, can we stop by that pie stand on the way?

You mean Laverne’s Pies Tires Fixed Also? Pam nods Yes we will be doing that. We’ll be getting a dozen.

A dozen different pies? Cause that means rhubarb.

Why would you say that? I meant 4 apple, 4 blueberry, 2 cherry, 1 peach and 1 chocolate. I thought that was implied.

Yeah, OK then.

Ladies and gentlemen, I have heard your complaints and we reached a settlement.

So, we will be leaving the office for one whole week.

Nice job.

In my contract, it is stipulated that I provide a temporary work space. It will arrive in one hour.

What?

What’s this?

Whoa!

What?

Bus pulls into lot Bring it in!

Roll into the future with Work Bus. Say goodbye to wasteful buildings. These days a mobile office isn’t just for hotshot politicians. Now anyone can rent a work bus. Meredith and Kevin bump chairs in bus angrily If you’ve got a parking lot, a work space is just a phone call away. Erin tapes candy dish to pole In this age of belt tightening and less empowered workers, a work bus is how tomorrow gets things done.

on phone There are a hundred packs..

On phone No six after the eight, no….

Shh!

Ninety nine cases..yeah.

Six. Pete opens air vent over Angela, papers go flying

Ooh!

Oh sorry! Sorry.

Oh my god!

bumps into Meredith Sorry.

Lose weight.

I’m trying. Sorry.

handing Nelly envelope Oh, the Pennsylvania Department of Public Welfare Pre-Adoption Standard.

Oh of course, you were adopted.

laughs I wish! No, I um, I made some short lists. I had a couple sleepovers, but I never managed to get in the end zone. I don’t know what it was. Not loveable maybe? laughs Oh well.

Listen, I’m really struggling with this form. But as you know the system, you think maybe you could..?

Absolutely. I know exactly what they want to hear. I would love to help.

Oh thank you so much!

whispers Just don’t tell Andy, because..

He hates me and thinks I’m a monster. Should go back to Loch Ness. Erin nods

Stretch. Alright.

How many times do you need to take a stroll?

I, my legs cramp up! Ok, it’s a circulation issue.

Boy, I will hammer spank your rear.

Alright, alright, gang. Let’s just settle down. You’re yelling in her face.

It’s a medical thing.

Just…you good?

I’m good. I..

to Pam I’m so sorry for all of this.

It’s OK. You know what they say, a change is as good as a rest.

I, I need to get to the paper please. Reaching for overhead bin above Pam, papers fall and Pam has liquid spilled on her

Oh my god! Ah!

I’ll get you a napkin. Someone get napkins please!

You know what? It’s fine, it’s fine. Let me just…it’s fine. Pam leaves work bus

Pam, I’m really sorry. I- I’m really sorry about…all that. Dwight smiles at Jim Really? Smirking?

What can I say? I love justice. You forced me to spend money on needless repairs, and uh now you’re locked in a prison bus and your woman drips with beverage.

Hey, Dwight. I was trying to do something nice for Pam. Can you just, help me out? Can we maybe take this thing somewhere? Or do something to not make this the worst day ever?

It’s not my responsibility to solve your marriage problems by spending my money on gas.

Andy!

Yo. Dudeces.

You’re the boss. Don’t you think we’d all be a lot more productive if while we were doing work we looked up and saw the best rural pie stand in Pennsylvania?

Oh, I know I’d be more productive.

As would I.

No question.

No. No! This is a work bus. The wheels are for transporting the work space to and from the work site.

What are you talking about? You’re not the boss. Andy is. Andy?

Phyllis, Kevin & Stanley

Pies! Pies! Pies! Pies! Pies!

Alright! The fat people have spoken! Dwight, get this bus moving.

Yes! Group cheers

Next stop: Laverne’s Pies Tires Fixed Also.

Oh! Yes! Group cheers, Dwight moves to driver seat

To Dwight So it looks like this work bus was a pretty good idea after all, huh?

Get your foot behind the yellow line.

You got it.

Yeah Jim! Group claps

Sitting outside building Stop.

Come back.

Too late.

Mmm.

Shabooyah, role call. Shabooyah, yah yah shabooyah, role call.

My name is Pam.

Yeah!

I like to paint.

Yeah!

You think you’re better?

Yeah!

Oh no you ain’t!

Role Call! Shabooyah, yah yah shabooyah role call! Shabooyah, yah yah shabooyah, role call!

My name is Kevin.

Yeah!

That is my name.

Yeah!

They call me Kevin.

Yeah!

Cause that’s my name.

Role call! Shabooyah, yah yah shabooyah role call! Shabooyah, yah yah shabooyah role call!

Dwight pulls over to pick up hitchhiker Thanks. Playing a little hookey from work today….Oh my god.

Dunder Mifflin road trip twenty twelve! group takes pictures Ah OK, now a serious one.

Hey, where’s Dwight? He should be a part of this. Has he been acting kinda weird to you lately?

If by lately you mean the last twelve years, yeah.

No, I mean he’s sulking. That’s not like him.

He’s just mad that we’re all having fun.

Then why isn’t he scheming? Or preparing to avenge?

He’s fine. He’s indestructible.

Always say that a child is placed for adoption, never surrendered. We’re not hostages.

laughs Well, I have considered kidnapping one.

Never say that.

I am so excited thinking about this child you’re going to adopt.

I wish I could just wave a magic wand and make you a parentless five year old again. I would snap you up.

Next stop pies! group joins in

Next stop pies!

Let’s go driver! clapping Laverne packs up the pie wagon at five so…

At five? That’s only twenty minutes from now. The pie shop is thirteen miles away. So at fifty five miles an hour that just gives us five minutes to spare.

So wait, when pies are involved you can suddenly do math in your head?

Wh…

Hold on, Kevin, how much is 19,154 pies divided by 61 pies?

314 pies.

What if it were salads?

Well, it’s the…carry the four…and…it doesn’t work.

I’m sorry to spoil Jim’s fantastic voyage everyone, but we’re almost out of gas.

OK, well I saw a station about a mile back so, chop chop.

That name brand place? Nope forget about it, sorry. The tanks are so big on this thing, five cents a gallon extra, that really adds up.

Are you kidding me? Dwight, come on!

Hey honey, I don’t think we should push him.

Oh no, I’m gonna push him. You know why? Because you’re getting a pie. Why? Cause you deserve it. And what is he doing? He’s trying to drive us all around the countryside looking for gas because he knows we won’t get there. Is that what we want?!

No!

Stop ordering me around, Jim!

What do we want?!

Pies!

When do we want it?!

Pies!

OK, fine. You win. Jim, you win. We have been battling for a long time, but you know what? You win, cause you are the winner, you are the alpha male, there you go. drops keys in Jim’s lap Alpha male, go buy your wife a pie. Go buy the whole world a pie.

That’s impossible. Dwight climbs through ceiling hatch Dwight!

Oh my!

What are you doing?

Dwight, what the hell?

Dwight!

What?

Well now I don’t even feel like pie. Wait…no it’s back.

Dwight’s footsteps sound from the ceiling Just drive away. Just..

Phyllis! That’s not safe.

Guys, we only have eighteen minutes left. At sixty one miles an hour we’re just gonna barely make it.

to Jim Go up and check on him. He’s upset.

You know he’s doing all this on purpose.

Please? Just make sure he’s OK? Jim climbs through hatch

Hurry it up for god’s sake. They’re gonna be out of banana cream!

Banana cream is the first to go. We’ll be lucky to get pumpkin at this point! group gasps

What?

Dwight? Why are you such a jerk? I am trying to do something for my wife and you keep derailing-

I’m barren, Jim.

What?

My trouser hives are void of honey. I had congress with Angela and the child that she bore did not issue from my loins. I thought I would be a father and instead I am a eunuch. Neutered by my own building.

Is this about the popcorn? Or the X on the ceiling? Dwight, that was a prank.

You mean you flooded my building with dangerous electromagnetic radiation as a prank?

No.

That’s genius. That’s the best prank you’ve ever done. laughs

I’ll take it.

Andy?

Who is it?

Um, is this a good time?

Yeah. Perfect time. I’m right in the middle of a rooftop crisis. takes paper from Nelly Fine, let me read it. What do we have here? Uh, ok, reading blah blah blah blah blah, dah dah dah dah dah dah, you’ve made this very easy for me. It’s unsignable.

Oh, why, is there something?

It’s inaccurate, dishonest and…in a word? Dongwater.

Ah well, perhaps I could rewrite some of the-

Here’s the thing, you asked me to do you a favor? I did it. I read it. Thank you very much to me for my time. Good luck with your impossible dream.

Alright then.

Dwight, sometimes it takes couples years to get pregnant.

Really? How long did it take you and Pam to conceive?

That doesn’t matter.

What position did you use to conceive?

Ok…that’s not…

Regular? Or lady on her back? You used lady on her back, didn’t you, you freak. Yuck, gross. Never mind, Jim.

To Pete. Crying sounds come from behind Nelly’s curtain British women. Famously overemotional. Am I right?

I don’t think that’s Nelly.

What?

Oh, oh no, no. Look, it’s alright. Erin cries, Nelly comforts her It really isn’t your fault. No, no. Look, it’s…you were so kind. And it isn’t anything to do with you.

Did you ever think that because you own the building, everyone in it, we’re all kinda like your children?

You know there’s a phrase about that in German. Bildenkinder. Used almost exclusively by childless landlords to console themselves. But now? I really understand it.

Well, now you have a bus full of real..bilden..kin..

Bildenkinder.

OK. And they’re all dangerously close to not getting pie. And there’s only one guy who can save them. It’s not me.

Oh! Jim reenters bus through hatch Hey! How’d it go?

It’s pretty good actually.

Yeah?

We bonded. We got to- Dwight starts dropping into the bus on top of Jim

Whoa! Whoa! Dwight! group reacts

When you don’t get out of the way! Out of the way!

You feel OK now?

Oh, better than OK. grabs Pam’s shoulders You know what honey? I’m gonna get you that rhubarb pie.

Well, actually, rhubarb is-

Don’t..

the one pie that I don’t.

Don’t..

Everybody! Hang on! Dwight pulls out quickly

Oh! bus tears around corners as group crashes into each other

Group chants along Pie! Pie! Pie!

Pie! Pie! Pie! Pie! cheers as they arrive

Oh.

I changed my mind. gives Nelly papers

Oh, you signed it?

Yeah. Not as is, obviously. Made a couple changes. Added some sentences at the end. Trust me it needed it. laughs Well, yeah, whatever. So. walks away

Reading "She’s tough in business, but tender with the people she cares about. She’ll make a wonderful mother to any child who can overlook weird accents."

I insult you, Oscar.

What?

I insult you! To your face!

I don’t know what you’re talking about.

Then why don’t you do something about it?

laughs Kevin, are you trying to get me to hit you? In the face with my pie?

You don’t have the guts. You stupid, dumb, doo doo face! Oscar pies Kevin Yes!

Oh my god. I’m getting so stuffed.

We did it.

You did it.

My name is Andy!

bored Yeah.

I don’t do drugs!

Yeah.

Now check the style!

Yeah.

Of Flatt & Scruggs!

Yeah. Andy plays banjo

Role call.

What?

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