Roy's Wedding - The Office (Season 9, Episode 2)

In the cold open, Pam creates a chore wheel after the office janitor is on vacation, but everyone else in the office complains that it is no fun. Pam changes the wheel so that it barely relates to chores or work at all, which goes over well. Pam adds a "tiny wheel" as an option that does have chores on them, but "it's so cute, no one seems to mind."

Pam and Jim are invited to Pam's former fiancé Roy's wedding, which takes place at 8 am before work. They are surprised by Roy's beautiful home and the elegant wedding details, and Roy tells them he runs a very successful gravel company. During his wedding toast, Roy stuns his bride by performing "She's Got a Way" by Billy Joel on the piano; he told her he was taking boxing lessons as a cover for learning some music. Pam and Jim, stunned by Roy's transformation, try to find things about themselves the other does not know. This is exacerbated by Jim's frequent calls about a new business he is starting with a friend, because Jim and Pam agreed that the venture was not right for them, but Jim then signed onto it without telling his wife he had done so. Pam tries unsuccessfully to bait Jim to find out what the secret is and becomes increasingly annoyed that her husband is lying to her.

Dwight angrily reacts to Nellie's mandatory charity initiative by maintaining that he will donate the money he raises to the Global Relief Foundation, a front for the Taliban. Nellie then makes Dwight sign a contract in "a ridiculous font" to live by Taliban rules in the office, the font making Dwight believe that the contract is not genuine. Subsequently, she steals Dwight's pen and challenges him to cut her hand off for doing so, hoping he will capitulate and pick a legitimate charity. Dwight refuses to back down, but spends an inordinate amount of time preparing to do so before the two end up watching 127 Hours together upon the advice of Darryl, and end up forgetting the issue.

Clark hits on Erin by dangling a fake newscaster job. After receiving some not-so-helpful advice from her coworkers—especially Andy and Darryl, who is now assistant regional manager—Clark invites Erin to his apartment for the fake audition. However, Pete, who has come to dislike Clark, invites himself and Andy along under the pretense of helping with the audition, ruining Clark's seduction plan. Andy ends up throwing himself into the fake plan and dismissing Erin, who goes out for dinner with Pete and enjoys time spent with him.

Best Funny Quotes From The Office - Roy's Wedding

surveying an untidy office The building’s custodian is on vacation for the month and Dwight is too cheap to hire a replacement. So, instead, we’re living in filth. But, not for long. Because I have created the chore wheel.

viewing the chore wheel for the first time Oh, yeah! Can I spin first?

Well, it doesn’t spin. We’ll just move the wheel one notch each morning and… you see what chore you get that day.

A wheel is supposed to spin.

Yeah, you know, like motions arm in circles guh, guh, guh, guh, guh, guh, guh… guh.

No, I’m familiar with spinning. It’s just that wouldn’t work with a chore wheel because people might get the same chore-

interrupting Bugh, boring. All she talks about is chores.

A wheel wants to spin, Pam.

reluctantly Spinning would be more fun.

frustrated ‘Kay.

spinning a new ‘chore wheel’ while everyone claps Okay, that’s what I’m talking about! Big money, big money! wheel stops on ‘mug duty’, disappointed Mug duty?

Yes, you clean all the mugs in the sink.

This sucks.

Yeah, seriously, it’s like everything on there is work.

I don’t think you guys understand why we’re doing this. It’s-

Yeah, I don’t think that you understand wheels.

I’ve been through several rounds of development with the team and here’s where we stand with the chore wheel. introducing a third ‘chore wheel’, excited We’ve got prizes! Ten bucks, candy bar, manager for an hour but, there are also penalties. Like, no internet, Stanley gets your lunch. The one thing that is not on the chore wheel is chores. But they were right; it’s more fun this way.

everyone cheers as Meredith spins and lands on ‘tiny wheel’ The tiny wheel actually does have chores. It’s so cute no one seems to mind.

referencing the ‘tiny wheel’ Toilets! everyone cheers as Meredith accepts her chore

at the Halpert residence as Cece twirls in the front yard, exiting front door Pam, we gotta go. Cece, go back inside. Grandma’s got breakfast, OK? to camera We are going to Roy’s wedding. Yep, Roy. I think the only weird thing about going to your wife’s ex-fiancé’s wedding on a weekday at eight AM is that it’s your wife’s ex-fiancé.

exiting house Thanks, mom!

to Pam A banana?

Yeah. I’m afraid he’s only gonna have hot dogs.

Oh, come on. Not even Roy will have hot dogs at his wedding.

Planned a wedding with him. He wanted hot dogs.

to camera Just… so weird.

as Pete and Clark enter office Oh, Pete, you’ve got mail.

Really? I got something?

Well, it’s addressed to Customer Service so, it’s your mail.

Well, you know, I’m also Customer Service.

Yeah, I’m alternating. gestures both men

sarcastically Yay, another person yelling at me.

Well, it could be a nice letter. I write nice letters to companies all the time.

That’s really nice.

looking down at Erin’s desk Wow, Newsweek, huh? This election… thing is crazy, right?

referring to the letter It’s open.

Oh yeah, I accidentally read it. It’s not a nice letter.

whispering OK.

distributing paperwork to the office Get excited. The special projects fairy has arrived.

I know you don’t really exist.

Today, I launch my big charity initiative ‘Operation Give Back’. Andy has shot down all of my special projects thus far but, this one is about charity. So, I’d like to see him piss on that one.

at Roy’s wedding Darryl! Ha-ha! What’s happening?

Congratulations, baby!

Ah, thank you!

Jim and Pam approaching the wedding venue Is this his house?

Think so.

Server

approaching Jim and Pam Mimosa?

taking glass Thank you.

Server

Would you like me to take your peel?

embarrassed Yes, thank you. finishes banana and hands server the peel

OK.

as Jim receives and declines a call Who’s that?

Uh, my ex-fiancé.

sarcastically Ha-ha.

I started a new business with my college friend. But, Pam doesn’t know. Um… actually I did tell Pam and we decided ‘no’. But, then I decided ‘yes’ anyway. So, I’m thinking there’s another conversation coming. And, it’s hard to know when that will be.

With Operation Give Back, you pick the charities Dunder-Mifflin supports.

grinning Oh boy! What’s happening?

There’s four thousand dollars to give away. So, who has filled out their form? Stanley?

American Diabetes Association.

Um, you have diabetes, Stanley. to Nellie I’m sorry, is the assignment to pick a selfish charity?

I w-, uh, I would love to give uh-

excited Heifer’s International. Listen to this. They give a poor person like, a goat or something. It’s a great prank.

I wanna work with, uh, Jimmy Carter and help build gnomes.

Dwight, what about you?

I will not be participating as there is no evidence that charity works.

Uh, correction, I give to a foundation that teaches homeless children nautical flag signaling. Changes lives.

Thank you, Andy.

I’m not doing it for you. I’m doing it for the preservation of nautical flag signaling.

Dwight, you will be participating.

No thank you.

Participation is mandatory; Dwight, but you can choose whatever cause you like.

Fine, I chose the Global Relief Foundation.

Great, thank you.

Which was recently discovered to be a front for the Taliban.

everyone groans Oh, for goodness’ sake, Dwight.

Yeah. The Taliban in Afa-ghanistan.

The Taliban is the worst. Great heroine, though.

Dwight, I cannot have the Taliban on the roster of Operation Give Back.

Well, it looks like there won’t be any Operation Give Back. Ha, ha. The nanny state is over, ladies and gentlemen. You’re welcome. wads up Nellie’s charity sheet and tosses it toward her

approaches Roy back at the wedding There he is. Is it almost time to cut the pancake, or what?

Aw, yeah, god, we appreciate everyone coming so early. It’s, everyone’s just been so nice.

Thanks for inviting us, by the way-

Are you kidding?

That was, that was a surprise.

Come on. If it wasn’t for you, I never would’ve met Laura. I mean, seriously, kinda dodged a bullet on that one. sees Jim’s reaction Just kidding.

You’re welcome.

Thanks…aw.

By the way, man, this place is… beautiful.

Started a gravel company. I mean, who knew it’d take off?

Gravel company?

Yeah. What about you? What are you doing?

Not gravel, obviously. both chuckle No, things are good. Things are good. Got some stuff in the works. So-

Oh, cool.

Yeah, you never know.

Kenny

Hey bro, stop wasting time with this haircut. referring to Jim He’s got a fifty-thousand dollar sports car. Cheers.

OK, Kenny.

talking on phone Duncan, listen, I would love to help you out but where am I gonna find somebody that’s pretty, smart and well-informed? Huh? Hold on, hold on. covers phone’s receiver Erin, do you know anybody that might want… has realization Oh my gosh. You love the news, right?

Well, it depends. I mean, sometimes I find out things that are really sad.

Well, I got a buddy that’s a big time local news producer and I can’t tell you his name, but it’d blow your mind.

Uh, is it Duncan?

He’s looking for on-air talent and he’d kill me if I didn’t get you on tape.

You mean, put me on the news?

You’ll just come over, put on little lipstick, loosen up with a glass of red wine and then we’ll just run through a few stories. You know, a couple different ways, with a couple different outfits. It’d be really tasteful and it’d really help me out with Duncan… with my friend. Erin considers What do you say? Huh?

Maybe, ok? Let me think about it.

Pete looks on disappointed Ok.

Whoo!

Think it over. punches Pete

No, Clark’s not my friend. He is the douche that sits next to me at the office. My friends are Scott, Glenn, and Rob. But, you don’t know them.

I never really thought much about being more than a receptionist. But, why? Because I happened to answer help wanted ad to be a receptionist? I mean, what if the ad had been for a CEO? Or for a brain surgeon?

So, ah, it was a year ago today that I met Laura. I thought she was my waitress and, uh, took her three weeks to tell me that she actually owned the place. You are full of surprises. You are my beautiful mystery girl. And, today, I have a surprise for you. approaches piano

He plays piano?

No. Roy? No.

You know how I said I was taking boxing lessons? Actually, I was doing this. Um, so, I hope that you like it. sits in front of piano

clapping You got this, Roy. Roy begins playing and singing She’s Got a Way by Billy Joel, Pam and Jim looked shocked, Phyllis and Bob begin making out

in the car We still surprise each other.

Definitely.

You know, I never did it, but for your 30th birthday I really wanted to surprise you with-

Courtside seats. Sixers.

Yes. But, what I didn’t tell you is that I actually bought the tickets. We only didn’t go because it was-

It was an away game.

In Phoenix. They should really tell you that more specifically. I mean, every game is an away game for one of the teams. long pause Do we know everything about each other?

No.

Tell me one thing about you I don’t know.

laughs Um, ok. thinks but says nothing

in the kitchen Oh, here’s one. Did I ever tell you about the time that my brothers videotaped the lottery announcement? And bought the winning numbers the next day? And then, played the tape for me the next week, and I-

And you thought you guys were millionaires.

You heard that one.

Yes. But there’s, wait, oh, there’s a funny ending to that story. I can’t remember.

That I thought we were millionaires.

Thought you were millionaires, yeah. That’s funny. Shoot, I knew that one.

That’s all right.

The senator and I still have mystery. I’m always waiting to see what he’s gonna surprise me with next. Oscar chokes on his coffee

You all right? Oscar nods

You support the Taliban abroad. So I assume you’re willing to live by their rules here.

Anything else would be inconsistent.

Will you join me then in a pledge to live by Taliban law in this office? offers Dwight a contract

takes contract Absolutely, I will.

I feared Nellie had some sort of a plan but she used a ridiculous font. Huh. in a fake English accent You don’t have a plan.

When you use a ridiculous font, no one thinks you have a plan.

holds up pen as Dwight searches his desk Looking for this?

What the? follows Nellie into the break room

Oh, this is a lovely pen. Ah. But, it’s mine now because I stole it.

taking pen back Gimme that.

Didn’t you sign a contract to live under Taliban law? And now, there’s been theft. That means, you’re not serious or… someone’s getting their hand cut off.

You’re insane.

I know. So, it’s better that you pick another charity.

Oh, and let your precious Operation Power Grab proceed unchecked? No thank you.

In that case, you… pulls out a cleaver will have to chop off my hand.

considers then takes cleaver This cleaver appears to need sharpening. I suggest you spend some quality time together just you and your hand. Tie a shoe, toss a salad. Do any of the two hand activities that you’ll miss the most.

I tell you what. I need to make three calls. And then after that, you can become a person who chops off people’s hands.

Sounds like a plan.

in his office Clark wants to film you in different outfits inside his apartment?

Yeah.

entering annex Clark, you and I need to have a little chat. What clothes does Erin need for this news audition?

Uh… couple of button-downs, a camisole, a blazer, a pencil skirt, stilettos, maybe, no, no, not maybe, definitely open-toed. Uh, something low-cut because the camera makes everything seem higher cut.

Really?

Yeah, industry secret. You’re gonna want some of those panty hose with the seam up the back.

Seems unnecessary for an audition.

And then, you know, maybe just a robe to wear in between takes but I probably got one she can borrow at my place, so-

Thank god someone here knows what their talking about. I want you to take this credit card, take Erin to the mall and get that stuff.

I absolutely will do that.

Awesome. to Pete Plop!

Pff. Guess I’ll just head over to the mall then. Buy Erin some sexy, fun outfits.

That Clark, huh? Errr punches palm Ca!

in kitchen with several people around Next question for our oldie-weds-

What’s the craziest place you’ve ever made whoopie?

to Kevin Language.

Who was Pam’s first celebrity crush?

Pam’s first celebrity crush.

whispering John Stamos.

Ready?

Uh-huh.

as he and Pam flip their cards John Stamos.

Oh!

Yes. But John Stamos was temporary. I quickly moved on to-

Johnny Depp.

Johnny Depp. everyone looks confused toward Toby

after awkward pause Sh, uh, um, I was having this separate conversation with Kevin. Uh, Johnny Depp.

Totally. George Clooney.

Uh-huh.

OK, I have one. I have one. Jim’s phone rings and he motions he’s taking the call elsewhere

while Angela tries asking a question What is the craziest place you’ve ever made whoopie?

as Pam wonders about Jim Kevin, stop it with that question.

in the stairwell on his phone Right. And did you show them the market? Yeah. And what’d they say? That’s awesome! That, oh my god! Wow!

It’s not even real yet. And I’m not gonna tell her ’til it’s real.

I think maybe there actually is something I don’t know about Jim.

Everyone, we have a voluntary meeting in the conference room to discuss Erin’s confidence.

Her body. We’re gonna talk about her body. to Darryl Good. Great job.

Andy made me his consigliere. Which means Assistant Regional Manager. I guess he thought I’d be into The Godfather ’cause I’m black. Wrong! I’m into The Godfather ’cause I’m a cinephile. I like Scarface ’cause I’m black.

to a full conference room Erin has an audition to be a newscaster. general acknowledgement

Uh-huh. And I want her to feel very comfortable in her very sexy skin. So, everybody say something that you like about her body. All right? Darryl.

OK, um, I like Erin’s hair. It’s a very pretty color.

Yeah, right?

I’m sorry. This is for a news audition?

Yeah.

Then why are we talking about her looks? Why not her credibility? Or her reliability?

News flash everyone. The human race finds attractive people more trustworthy.

I’m so sorry, Andy, but for twenty years, the most trusted man in America – Walter Cronkite.

Cronkite was hot. If I could go back in time, I’d take that mustache ride.

Does Erin have any experience? Has she taken any journalism classes, maybe? Or…

Has she done the pageant circuit?

No, I watch the news.

She’s gonna be amazing. Look at her. She’s gonna light up the screen.

This is a first for me. And, I don’t get a lot of chances, so I have to take them really seriously. I will do whatever it takes to get the job.

whispering to Pete Whatever it takes.

whispering Yeah, I know, I heard. I heard.

places Nellie’s hand on a board and holds up cleaver This is it. Any questions?

Is it gonna be long?

No. It’s gonna be over before you know it.

pretending to read news Afghan president Hamid Karzai declared a new policy of dollar days throughout the country. Promising low, low prices on all 2012 Kia Sentras and Sonatas. Aren’t you glad you waited? Karzai commented.

Um, where did you get that story?

A little bit here, a little bit there. I bet you didn’t think I knew current events.

I love it. It’s fantastic. Now, tag it with your name.

For Channel 11 news, I’m Erin Hannon.

Pause after ‘news’.

For Channel 11 news… I’m Erin Hannon.

No, pause longer.

That was a good one.

Pause, pause longer. OK? Builds suspense. Don’t be shy.

Got it. For Channel 11 news… very long pause

Wha, it’s-

I’m Erin Hannon.

OK. All right. Great. Some great stuff in there.

as Pam stares at him I can feel you looking at me.

OK. Well, here’s something you don’t know. A couple of weeks ago-

Uh-huh.

I ran into this guy from my high school who has just gotten divorced and he hit on me. In the mall. And I didn’t tell you because, I don’t know, I felt embarrassed. And, I didn’t know if you would be mad or worried. But, anyway, I thought you’d want to know.

after a pause That didn’t happen. You would’ve told me right away.

Yeah, I would’ve. What about you? Come on, there’s gotta be something. Between your birth and the last two days, something you just haven’t had the chance to tell me.

Uh… looks at Pam

looks knowingly back Just tell me.

God, give it up, Beesley. You know me too well.

Heh! Ha! making various sounds and movements while preparing to severe Nellie’s hand Darryl enters, sees what’s happening, and quietly exits

Hey, um, I knew something bothered me and I finally figured it out. What news producers are gonna want to see is how Erin relates to the other people on the news team.

Oh.

The weird thing is Erin is doing the audition alone.

Oh god.

Now, I’d say Clark could be your co-host… he’s already doing camera.

Tuh.

Someone who’s already got rapport with Erin, maybe. I don’t know. Andy smiles at camera

Ha! raises cleaver This is for real this time.

It’s getting late. I thought you guys could use a little sets up laptop inspiration.

Darryl hits play Oh, a movie. What is this?

127 hours. It’s about this guy who-

No, no. No spoilers. Please.

My bad.

No.

Goodnight.

answers his door to find Erin, Andy and Pete Hey! Everybody.

Yeah.

Come in.

All right!

Come on in.

Nice.

to Pete What’re you doing here?

Sorry, man. Andy though Erin needed a co-anchor. I’m his makeup guy. My hands are tied.

news anchor audition The victim was released from the hospital with second-degree burns.

also as anchor Wow. You know what they say Erin. If you can’t take the heat, get out of the kitchen.

Well, he tried to but the fire door was blocked.

He sure did.

All right. We got that. That’s a rap, everybody.

Aw!

Just, you sure Clark?

Yep, she’s done.

No, I just, I don’t mean Erin. I mean for me. I didn’t feel good about that.

No, we got it. We got it.

Great! Let’s get some food. I’m starving.

I don’t think we did get it. I could do, uh, a couple more takes. We could do it in close-up. That might even be better for editing.

OK, I don’t.

All right.

I’m hungry.

Uh, Pete, you wanna take Erin to get a burger or something?

Yeah, whatever you say, boss.

OK. to Erin I’ll call you later.

OK.

to Clark So this is a single.

Hey, even if this doesn’t work out for me, I’m just glad I had the guts to do it. And, maybe it’ll work out for Andy.

as he and Nellie watch the movie Oh god.

That is absolutely revolting!

Yeah.

He is so good, though.

Yes.

The way he just cuts off his arm.

If you like James Franco, we really should watch Rise of the Planet of the Apes.

Well, he’s a genius, you know? He was in graduate programs at Yale, Columbia and NYU all at the same time.

Whoopty doo. That doesn’t make you a genius.

Well, it doesn’t make you stupid.

Yeah, it does, actually. It makes you real stupid.

Stupid like you.

No, like you.

Like you.

You’re the stupid one.

You, you, you, you…

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