Welcome Party - The Office (Season 8, Episode 20)
Robert California forces the office to throw a welcome party for Nellie, but the Party Planning Committee works on ways to sabotage it. Meanwhile, Jim and Dwight are sent to Nellie's apartment to
help her move in. When Dwight sarcastically suggests bringing in a magician to move her furniture magically, Nellie quickly admits her disdain for stage magicians, prompting Jim to tell Pam
about hiring a magician for Nellie's party. Jim and Dwight find a shoe box with a note to Nellie from herself saying not to open it. Inside, they find photos of her with another man and
deduce him to be an ex-boyfriend. When Nellie finds them with the photos, she explains that she lost everything when they broke up. One of the photos shows him as a stage magician, which
they realize is the root of her distaste of magicians. Jim calls Pam back and asks her to reconsider throwing the bad party. Pam tries to convince the other employees to little or no avail.
At the party, the employees vent their hatred of Nellie onto Pam to avoid admitting the truth, making Pam uncomfortable. The magician that was hired arrives, much to Nellie's dismay.
Jim and Pam, out of solidarity to Nellie, sabotage the magician's tricks until he reaches breaking point, angrily yelling at everyone, and Dwight kicks him out. Nellie could see what
Jim and Pam were doing and smiles gratefully. Nellie and Robert commend the employees for throwing a good party, but Kevin complains that the carrot cake has actual vegetables in
it, which Pam made as a prank. When Jim and Pam leave for the day, Pam asks Hank why he let the magician into the elevator when he was asked not to. Hank, busy reading a magazine,
claims not to have noticed him, stating that as a magician he could have slipped by.
Andy and Erin decide not to get together officially until he breaks up with Jessica. On their way back to Scranton, they stop at Jessica's family's log cabin, where they encounter
a bunch of Jessica's friends having a bachelorette party for her sister, and have been drinking extensively. Uncomfortable, Andy and Erin decide to bail, but Jessica returns
from her morning run. After staying a while, Andy asks Jessica into the kitchen where she deduces that he is breaking up with her. Erin is surprised however when Jessica said
that Andy told her he did not think Erin was relationship material.
Andy does not deny saying that, instead opting to claim that he is gay and leaves awkwardly with Erin.
In the car, Andy says he made those comments about Erin because he was with Jessica before Erin accepts it and sleeps. Andy decides to head back to the cabin to tell
Jessica and her party that he broke up with her because he wanted to be with Erin and that she is relationship material, while Erin stands nearby. Furious, Jessica and her
party chase Andy and Erin back to the car. Erin passionately kisses Andy inside the car while the party throws things at their vehicle, prompting a quick getaway.
Best Funny Quotes From The Office - Welcome Party
| Hey Jim. Stanley’s back from the hospital today. Can you sign his card? |  |
 | Oh, great. reads “Glad they didn’t mix up your tonsillectomy with a moustachectomy.” Oh that’s not good. | |
| Oh, because your jokes are all hilarious. |  |
| It’s nice. It’s funny. It mentions his tonsillectomy and makes a funny little joke about his moustache. | |
| Stanley doesn’t have a moustache. | |
| Yeah he does. | |
| Pam, hit the brakes. Stanley does not have a moustache. I misspoke. I’m not sure. I think he has one, now that- I think he has a moustache. |  |
| Okay, Phyllis sits across from him every day. Phyllis, does he have a moustache or not? | |
| Oh, I don’t know. Now I think he doesn’t. | |
| Phyllis! What are you talking- The whole card depends on this! | |
| Okay, the man’s worked here for 25 years. How can none of us picture his face? | |
 | ‘Cause we come here to do our jobs. We don’t stick our noses in other people’s business. | |
| Okay, which one of these looks more right? holds up drawing of Stanley with and without a moustache | |
 | Neither of those looks like any person that has ever existed or been dreamt of in the history of human insanity. That said, the one on the left. | |
| bell dings Guys, that’s the elevator. What if it’s him? |  |
| Okay, quick. Who says moustache? Pam, Oscar, Dwight, and Creed raise their hands | |
| Yep. | |
| Who says no moustache? Jim, Angela, and Phyllis raise their hands; Gabe enters, hiding Stanley’s face | |
| reveals Stanley’s moustache Ah! Ha ha ha! | |
| He does have a moustache. | |
| Yes! | |
| Welcome back, Stanley. Stanley grunts | |
| “Good morning, Robert,” says no one because our receptionist is in Florida. no one responds Pam! |  |
| Oh! takes out earbuds | |
| Is this a video conference you’re having with “Drake, featuring Swizz Beatz”? | |
| Um, no, I was just, um, just having a cup of coffee, kind of warming up for the day. | |
| People, you should come to work already warm. Nine to ten a.m. is the most productive potential that a human being- | |
 | Sorry, sorry, everyone, I’m late! But you all are here, so no harm done at all by my lateness. | |
| laughing Nellie, really, nine fifty? | |
| Oh, here’s what happened. Seven forty-six, my alarm clock goes off. I hear it. Whack the snooze. | |
| Ah. | |
| Nine minutes. Bzz! Off it goes again. Whack! Seven more times I did that. Bzz, whack. Bzz, whack! By the time I got up, it was ten minutes ago. No willpower. That is my curse! | |
| laughs I’ve never believed willpower was very important in a woman. | |
| Ah ha! | |
| I don’t think you would have shown up to work nearly an hour late for no reason. | |
| Oh, I assure you, I would have done. I did, and I will keep doing it. | |
| No, no, no, no. There’s something going on. Some stress in your life. | |
| Well, yes, uh… there is the whole moving to Scranton nonsense. Thirty boxes arrived yesterday from England and two trunks from Florida. Then I have to move in to my apartment in this dreadful, God knows where it is backwater suburb of a suburb, and I mean, no offense but are there a lot of Irish people living around here? | |
| in unison Yes. | Kevin & Meredith |
| Ugh! I hate that! No offense. | |
| None taken. |  |
| Actually, Nellie, this monologue you’re delivering is very offensive. | |
| oh! Ay, carumba! The natives are getting restless! | |
 | Who’s a native? | |
| Uh, excuse me, the tone here is getting quite hostile. I would appreciate it if you would keep that stuff on the basketball court. everyone groans | |
| What does that mean? | |
| Okay, okay. | |
| If you’d let me finish- Or the squash court, or the Supreme Court. Hmm? | |
| Nellie? | |
| Yes, Robert! | |
| You’re clearly under a lot of… stress with the moving and the work situation you’ve found yourself in. | |
| Yeah. | |
| Let’s help her out, shall we? Go above and beyond today to show her some of that warm Scranton hospitality. Jim. Dwight. Take the day. Help Nellie move those boxes into her new place. | |
| Why Jim? | |
| The rest of you, let’s throw a party at the end of the day to welcome the newest member of our little community. | |
| I’m sorry, we’re throwing a party for someone because they’re being horrible? | |
| I’m sorry, we’re taking work time to move someone’s personal belongings into their new apartment. | |
| I’m still not sure why this woman is even here. | |
| Why is she here? | |
 | sings Two crazy kids on the journey of life. | |
| sings Going to Pennsylvania. |  |
| On the road with my new girlfriend. But first, a small pit stop to break up with my current girlfriend who is at her parents’ cabin in southern Pennsylvania. | |
| Oh. That must be nice. | |
| Mm-hmm. It’s a beautiful place. Great place to let her down easy. | |
| Oh, no, no, I meant that it must be nice to have parents. | |
| Oh. Hmm. | |
| sings Time to have a little kiss! | |
| No. | |
| Mm. Sorry. Right. No kisses till the breakup is official. | |
| Yes. | |
| I believe in that. | |
| Yes. So do I. | |
| I think that’s important. That is important. Bummer, but important. | |
| Important. | |
| Mm-hmm. | |
| I can’t believe he’s making us throw a party for her. | |
| I know, right? | |
| She’s always late, she’s always rude… | |
| It kinda makes me want to throw a really bad party. | |
| Yeah. | |
| On purpose. | |
| Phyllis! | |
| laughs We should do it right here in the break room. they giggle | |
| Order carrot cake. laughter | |
| …and Jessica, just so you know, this is way more about my love for Erin than anything wrong with you. | |
| Well, Andy, I’m upset, but you did this in the best way possible, and I knew you as a lover and I’ll remember you as a gentleman. Okay, that was one minute and ten seconds. | |
| Consider it nailed. | |
| vocalizing I think we should try again. This time, worst case scenario. | |
| Okay, here we go. Jessica, I’m really sorry. I just need you to know- | |
| whining What? | |
| I just need you to know- | |
| What is it? I didn’t sleep well last night. they laugh | |
| lifting box Ugh! Ow. | |
| Nellie, that reminds me. Do you want this chair in the bedroom? ‘Cause to be honest, I don’t think it’s gonna fit through the door. | |
| Don’t listen to Jim. Have you ever seen him play Tetris? “Oh, I think I’ll just use this line horizontally. Oh, I had no idea what a gift this line is.” | |
| That was one time- | |
| I will get the chair in. Watch the Great Schrutini work his magic. | |
| Oh, no. Really? Magic? No, no, no. Let’s not go there. No, nothing is more repellant than magicians. Bunch of grown men waving wands, pulling bunnies out of body crevices. Magicians are repulsive. Next topic. | |
| cell phone rings Excuse me, one second. Hi. | |
| Hey, what’s up? | |
| Ah, nothing, just hauling some cube with Dwight. | |
| shouting Haulin’ cube! | |
| That’s moving boxes. We just came up with the term to make it sound cooler. | |
| So we’re planning this party for Nellie, and we’re gonna make it really bad. | |
| Sounds like every other party. | |
| No. We’re gonna make it like a prank. Like order bad food, give her this passive-aggressive card. | |
| Oh! Hire a magician. | |
| What? | |
| Trust me. | |
| laughs Okay. | |
| Wow. There’s a lot of cars here. This is just weird. | |
Lauren | knocks on car window Andy! Hey, what are you doing here? | |
| Hey, Lauren. Look at you. | |
Lauren | Well, I know. Look at me. | |
| I was just on my way back from this business trip, thought I’d stop and say hi to Jessica. | |
| Why is Erin with me? That’s a great question. She is my coworker, and she needed a ride because she totaled her car. | |
| So, I’m Erin. Hi. | |
| Yep. This is Erin. | |
| Nice to meet you. Erin gasps at another girl outside her window Well, Jess went out for a run but she’ll be back soon. Hey ladies, Andy’s here! | Lauren |
| Okay Andy, that is a bachelorette party, this is Jessica’s friends and they’ve been drinking during the daytime. Should we go? | |
| Yeah. Uh, you know, we had such a quick window to make this work, I think we should probably just- | |
Lauren | Oh, Jess! claps Look who stopped by after his business trip! | |
| Andy! Hey! |  |
| I wonder if king-sized sheets are called presidential-sized in England. I really should have a Tweeter account. | |
| Yes, you should. | |
| finds shoe box Ooh. | |
| reads “Nellie, don’t open, stupid. Love, Nellie.” | |
| I have to see these shoes. | |
| I doubt that they’re sh- | |
| Oh! | |
| Whoa. Who is this guy? | |
| Here’s the two of them taking a hike. I’m guessing he’s some kind of friend. | |
| Boyfriend. | |
| Here’s the two of them kissing at a beach and kissing at the Eiffel Tower. I’m guessing he’s some kind of close romantic friend. | |
| Like a boyfriend? | |
| You read my mind. | |
| Yeah. Whoa. Here’s one with his face whited out. | |
| Hmm. Maybe someone threw a pie in his face. New theory- he’s a hated Italian politician. | |
| Better theory. This is her ex-boyfriend and they went through some kind of painful breakup. | |
| walks in Oh. | |
| Oh, Nellie. I’m so sorry. We were just… | |
| I see you’ve discovered Benjamin. That’s what I call my box full of photos of Henry. | |
| Why not call… | |
| Shh! | |
| God. We owned this flat together. Then one morning, just like that, he was gone. He ran off with the waitress at our favorite restaurant. | |
| That’s awful. What kind of restaurant. | |
| Dwight! | |
| I couldn’t afford the flat myself. So I sold it at a loss. Ah, but what’s ten years of bliss down the drain compared with the thrill of starting over with nothing and no one? | |
| I’m so sorry. These must be very painful memories. | |
| If it would help you to forget, I could hit you in the brain stem with this candlestick. | |
| Thank you. No. Look, Jim, Dwight, please, don’t tell anyone about this. | |
| No, no. Of course. Just one quick question. Was this um, Halloween, or… | |
| God, no. That’s the most embarrassing thing of all this. What kind of fool gets her heart broken by bloody stage magician? | |
| in the phone You know what, Pam? I was thinking maybe we should change course here. Let’s give up on all this mean stuff. | |
| What? No! No, I just had this brilliant idea- everyone loved it. You don’t have a copyright on pranks. I might be better at this than you. | |
| No, that’s not what I- | |
| Jim, could you give us a hand? | |
| Absolutely. Yeah. whispers Call it off, Pam. Call it off, okay? It’s way more complicated than you think. Cancel the magician. Trust me. | |
| Oh, okay. Okay, I will. hangs up phone | |
| Pam, we have a great idea. | |
| Listen to this. | |
| We’re going to have the fluorescent lights flickering. It’s gonna make everyone sick. | |
| Or what if… | |
| Okay. | |
| We discuss… Angela and Phyllis giggle the idea of doing the party totally normal. Like, not mean. Just a regular party. giggling stops Not mean. | |
| I knew she’d crack! I wanted to leave you out, you know. | |
| We’re in far too deep. We can’t change course at this point. | |
| What are you talking about? Yes we can. | |
| What I mean to say is we don’t want to. | |
| Toots, we’re not stopping this train, so get off the tracks. | |
| pops balloon Suck it! cheers, applause | Lauren |
| Andy- | |
| It’ll be fine. Just act natural. Do you want a gummy penis? | |
| No, uh, I’ll just have some gummy bears. | |
| These are delicious. | |
| But… they’re penises. | |
| And we come to Matthew. The guy who was with his old girlfriend basically the whole time we were together. party guests groan | Lauren |
| Ew! Aww! That seems gross at first blush, right? But relationships are always more complicated than you think. I mean, we don’t know Matthew’s history with this other woman. Maybe she saved his life. laughs I don’t know. I just- I don’t think we should rush to judgment about Matthew. Maybe we don’t pop that one. | |
| No, pop it. Pop it! Lauren pops the balloon, party guests cheer | Party guests |
| Hey. | |
| Hey. | |
| Sorry. It’s kind of a madhouse. | |
| grabs Andy Ahh! |  |
| Oh! Ah, Megan. | |
| You are one of the good ones, nard dog. | |
| Aww. | |
| No, really. to Jessica Where’s my Andy? | |
| I dunno. | |
| Oh, he’s out there. | |
| Aww. Are you going to sing for us? | |
| Well, you guys are doing a pretty good job with the scary yelling, so… | |
| That’s not like you. That’s not like you. Come on, sing! Sing! | |
| singing By yon bonnie banks and by yon bonnie braes… | |
| Okay, they’re almost here- What? Come on. If you guys are gonna be mean, could you at least be subtle? rips down ugly photo of Nellie | |
| Oh, in the warehouse we use code names for people we want to talk about. Andy was Jelly Roll. Mike was Dennis the Menace. Ryan was douche bag. |  |
 | Hey, that’s not a code name. That’s just an insult. | |
| Plus everyone would know who you meant. | |
| Yeah! | |
| No, that’s a great idea. Let’s have a code name. How about Mondays? I hate Mondays? Mondays are the worst? | |
| Nobody’s named Monday. | |
| Hey, how about we go with Pam? Simple, easy to remember. | |
| ‘Cause there’s someone already here named Pam. | |
| Shh, here she comes! | |
| Welcome to your party. | |
 | Everybody get comfy now. This first song’s over a half hour long. plays off-tune notes | |
| Best gig ever. They asked me to play only originals. I said, “Have you heard my originals? They’re terrible.” They said, “Even better.” I said, “I get it. It’s an ironic party for Nellie.” | |
| Maybe we should just go. | |
| No. I gotta do this. Hey Jessica, could I talk to you? | |
| Uh, yeah, sure. What’s up? | |
| Uh, maybe we could talk in private? | |
| Uh, yeah. What is it? | |
| Well, first just let me say that I hope when I’m done with the sort of ugly bits that we can stay friends. | |
| You’re breaking up with me? | |
| Uh, no. No. You always do this. You twist my words around. Part of me thinks we should just end this right now. | |
| Oh my God. Are you leaving me for Erin? You said she wasn’t relationship material and she wasn’t as good as me, but it’s her, isn’t it? | |
| Whoa! That? No. Okay. You want honesty? Super-honesty time. I’m gay. | |
| What? | |
| I am gay, and I prefer men. | |
| You did not, Kenny! | |
Kenny | You invited me to go shopping with you. | |
| I like hanging out with you. You’re a cool guy. Which proves my point. That I’m gay. | |
| Andy, you’re not gay. I mean, we were… together. And you seemed pretty excitable. | |
| Well, I was faking it. I had to fake it every time. I had to imagine that I was in a steam room with John Stamos. | |
| I can’t say it doesn’t make sense… | |
| Well… I mean, I was good at hiding it, but- | |
| Look, it’s fine, Andy. I didn’t think we were gonna get married or anything. I just… I’m just upset for now. | |
| Understandable. And I’m really sorry. I really am. hugs Jessica, grunts So… we should probably… go. | |
| This humble but sincere effort is all for our valued new colleague. Excellent. | |
| To Nellie Bertram, you are a most welcome and friendly presence at our company. | |
| Cheers. | |
| Why thank you. | |
| Pam, on the other hand, is a most unwelcome, entitled, unfriendly presence in our company. | |
| Nellie is terrific, but to be honest, every day I imagine how happy I’d be if Pam died. laughter | |
| Oh. Well. I feel that as someone who knows Pam only a little bit… enough. A good amount. Not the most, though. I would say that she is misunderstood and that maybe there’s some stuff in her past that you guys don’t know about that’s a little messed up and probably makes her such a torture to work with. | |
| We hate Pam. We hate Pam. | |
| We hate Pam! We hate Pam! | All |
Magician | So we’ve established- | |
| No. No. | |
Magician | -that you guys hate Pam. Do you ever wish she would just… disappear? sets off flash paper | |
| Oh! laughter, murmuring | |
| That was a really rough scene. | |
| Right? Rough scene. | |
| Yeah. | |
| Oh… at least we can kiss now. | |
| Oh, yeah. gives him a quick kiss | |
| You know, that stuff that I said about you to her… I did- That’s just- I had to say it. You know, I was dating her at the time. | |
| Yeah. Yes, of course. Ah… I feel really tired. | |
| Yeah. | |
| Probably from seeing that turkey. | |
| Oh yeah. | |
| When we drove by the farm. Oh. Always does it. | |
| Are you Nellie? Oh, I think you’re my volunteer. Come on over here, huh? | Magician |
| Oh, I’ll do it. I will volunteer. | |
| no, Nellie, she- | |
| I’ll do it. | |
| Oh! Big guy, huh? How’s the air up there? Watch out for… birds. chuckles All right, let’s uh- let’s do some card magic. Now, what I want you to do is… I want you to pick a card just by looking at it. Do not say what it is. | Magician |
| picks a card It’s the four of hearts. | |
| Oh, no, you- | |
Magician | Looks like we got a guy from another country here, huh? No hablo el cardo, senor? Hmm? Ha. All right, the card is picked. Now sir, will you please shuffled the deck? Jim drops the cards You didn’t just do that on purpose, did ya? | |
| to Dwight Why is Jim treating the magician poorly? | |
Magician | Little known fact about me. Before I was a magician, I used to work at a rope factory. | |
| Not true. ‘Cause that’s not a real place. | |
Magician | But I never could seem to figure out those knots. | |
| That’s not a real knot. When you pull on it, it disappears. | |
Magician | yells What the hell? All right, where’s Phyllis? Who’s Phyllis? Look. This is really uncool, okay? I put on a clean show here- | |
| Okay scram, wizard. | |
| You heard me! | |
| Well Nellie, I’m sorry. If I’d known Jim and Pam would use this party as an excuse to abuse a magician- | |
| Well, I thought it was quite fun. In fact, I think they’re brilliant employees, in their own way. Don’t you see what I see? | |
| Interesting. Yes. No, yes, I see that. Great work, team. Great party. | |
| You think this is a great party? This cake has vegetables in it. Like a salad bar, Robert. How do I get this taste out of my mouth? | |
| What? Why are we- | |
| I just gotta do one thing. leaves car, knocks on door | |
| Oh. Hello. Hey everybody, look who’s here. | |
| What are you doing here? | |
| Hi. Super-duper honesty time. I’m not gay. In fact, I’m so not gay, I’m in love with a girl. Her name is Erin Hannon and she’s right there. She’s sweet, funny and beautiful and total relationship material. | |
| Why the hell did you come back here? | |
| Go away. | |
| Okay. | |
| Bye guys. | |
| Get out! You ruined my party! Who does that? Are you kidding me? Andy and Erin run to the car Yeah, run away! | Lauren |
| I can’t believe you’re not gay! Andy and Erin kiss | Lauren |
Kenny | Yeah get out of here. | |
| Don’t come back. someone throws food at the car | Various |
| Uh-oh! laughs, they drive away | |
| You don’t even know how to drive! Bye Andy! Loser! Nice car! | Various |
| Hey Hank. | |
| Yes ma’am. |  |
| I thought I was very specific about you not letting up a magician. | |
| Yes ma’am. I got my eyes open. | |
| Well, turns out he actually made it up there. | |
| What? That ain’t right. | |
| Yeah, he came and went. | |
| Wait a minute! You said it was a magician, right? Pam nods You don’t think he could’ve used… it couldn’t have been… | |
| Let’s just- let’s go. | |
| Night-night. | |