After Hours - The Office (Season 8, Episode 16)
Dwight and Todd Packer compete to become VP under Nellie by seducing her after work at the hotel bar. For most of the night, Packer seems to be the most successful, so Dwight has Gabe
keep Nellie distracted while Dwight helps Jim with something in his hotel room. Gabe takes it upon himself to spike Packer's beer with his asthma inhaler, which causes Packer to vomit
on Gabe's pants and leaves Dwight alone with Nellie. Dwight eventually succeeds in seducing Nellie as she asks for a key to his room. Upon kissing her and realizing that what he
is doing is wrong, Dwight secretly scratches off the magnetic strip on his hotel card before giving it to Nellie, stating the seduction was only to gain approval.
In Scranton, Andy has everyone stay late to cover for their co-workers in Florida, which turns into an awkward situation when Val's boyfriend, Brandon, arrives with Jamaican food
Andy ordered and accuses Darryl Philbin (Craig Robinson) of having an affair with her, after having read Darryl's text messages to her. Kelly demands that Darryl read them aloud
out of voyeuristic interest. Upon hearing them, most of the staff agree that his text messages, particularly an extended ellipsis at the end of one, are suggestive of Darryl
wanting to be with Val. Val protests that the idea of her being romantically involved with Darryl is ridiculous. Pam and Andy each advise Darryl on what Jim would do; while Andy
suggest he wait, Pam says that if Jim had not made romantic advances while she was still engaged, she never would have ended up marrying him. Darryl follows Pam's advice and
tells Val that a potential relationship is not ridiculous.
Erin confides in Ryan that she is intending to stay in Tallahassee. Ryan interprets this as an invitation to hook up with her, so he attempts to seduce her by taking her to the
empty kitchen to help her make a waffle she unsuccessfully ordered. They hide under a table when the chefs return. After Ryan compliments Erin, she suggests that they could
become roommates in Florida and possibly start dating in six months if things go well between them. Not wanting that long timeline, he begrudgingly resorts to saying he loves Kelly.
Jim has started spending more time with Cathy because Stanley keeps trying to rope Jim into having an affair. During the night at the hotel, Cathy asks to hang out for a while
in Jim's room under the pretext that the heat in her room is malfunctioning. She repeatedly makes seductive signals, making Jim uncomfortable. Stanley is no help, so he calls
Dwight saying he has bed bugs. Fearing that the bugs will transfer onto Dwight himself, Dwight arrives and forces Cathy off Jim's bed so he can lure out the bed bugs with
his nearly naked body. This fails to sufficiently disgust Cathy, who merely steps into the bathroom to take a shower until Dwight leaves. Cathy gets out of the shower
wearing only a bath robe.
After ordering some desserts from room service and asking Jim to touch her legs, he finally comes out saying that he is happily married, and does
not want to be with her. Cathy gets defensive and insists that she did not have any romantic intentions whatsoever, so Jim relents, but Cathy immediately resumes her
seductive technique. After Jim goes to the bathroom, he comes out to find her in only her underwear under his blanket. Fed up, he demands that she leave and lets
Dwight, armed with spray chemicals, into the room. Jim claims to see a bed bug near Cathy, making her flee from Dwight's spraying. However, because of the chemicals, Dwight
suggests Jim sleep in Cathy's room. Jim instead spends the night with Dwight in his room, eating Cathy's desserts and watching TV, while a drunken Nellie tries unsuccessfully to get in.
Best Funny Quotes From The Office - After Hours
 | Hey Angela, you wanna see a picture of Phillip wearing those little booties you got us? | |
| So cute. |  |
 | Hey, you guys want to see a picture of Gerald wearing galoshes? He refused to go out in the rain until I bought these. Now going out in the rain is all he wants to do. | |
| Oscar thinks that having a dog is just like having a baby. | |
| News flash – If you didn’t carry it around for nine months, it isn’t your kid. | |
| Exactly. Unless you adopted, of course. | |
| That is where we disagree. | |
| Hey, are your little dudes crawling yet? | |
| No, three-month-old humans don’t do that. | |
| My Phillip is crawling. | |
| Angela is such a liar! | |
| It’s maddening! | |
| Exactly. That’s just like crate training. All night long, all night long. | |
| Well count yourself lucky. Wait until you have two. That’s two sleep schedules, two naps that don’t coincide, I mean, you’ll never sleep again. | |
| No one said “you must have two” | |
| Like her genes are so important. The world just needs more Pam/Jim DNA. Thank you, no. | |
| No thank you. | |
| laughing Check this out. My brother just got a new sailboat. He has NO idea what he just got himself into. There’s nothing harder than taking care of a boat…am i right? |  |
| Un-be-liev-a-ble. | |
 | It is the end of the day, it is the end of the week. We managed to fill 40 hours somehow. That’s not bad, is it? | |
| That’s great. |  |
 | Pretty good. | |
| Well thank you. This is very helpful feedback. Dwight raises his hand Dwight, I am still not ready to name a VP. | |
| laughing That’s not what I was going to ask. Gosh, jump to conclusions. Come on, I know, you’ve got so much on your plate. Right now, you’re like ‘oh, what’s more important? Dwight’s question, figure out who’s the VP?’ Dwight, VP. Dwight, VP. Dwight, VP. Dwight, VP. | |
| I can’t be hypnotized, Dwight. I tried it, I ended up smoking more. | |
| Can we at least eliminate those that are not in the running? Free them up to focus more completely on the menial. Like stacking or sorting, or- | |
| Catching butterflies. |  |
| That’s a hobby, unless it’s for food. | |
| Theater. | |
| Waste of time. | |
| Dragging. | |
| That’s just a verb. | |
| Dragging sticks. | |
| Yes, nice, perfect. Dragging sticks. | |
| Alright, I’m gonna eliminate three people right now, okay? Just… you three, no. | |
| Not good enough (clicks tongue) | |
| English peoples’ main use today is judging American talent. British accent You’re crap. You’re wonderful. back to American They’re mean, but they’re incisive. | |
| Everyone meet in the hotel bar at 7:00. I’m not allowed to say it’s mandatory, so let’s just call it compulsory. | |
| I’ll be there at 6:00 | |
 | Ugh, we’re gonna have one of those crazy nights, aren’t we? Maybe we’ll see the real ‘Talla-nasty’ we’ve been hearing so much about. | |
| ‘Talla-nasty’, very clever. | |
| Thank you- | |
| Wait, wait, you think she invented ‘Talla-nasty?’ chuckles no, no, no, no… |  |
| Cathy? It’s been great. Fun, normal. in voiceover I thought I was gonna be hanging out with stanley on this trip, but he’s turned out to be kind of a loose cannon. | |
| My friend and I are new here in Tallahassee. Would you like to get a cocktail? Jim slowly slinks down in his seat, with the ‘Jim Face’. Maybe go out for a little dancing. Beautiful day, no? |  |
| Okay, everybody. 5:00. Workday is over. Put your pencils down. Aaannnnddd bring ’em back up, because now, the late night work jam begins! | |
| Yes, the conference room is set up. I’ve got pens, I’ve got paper, I’ve got a whiteboard, we are good to go! | |
| Say what? | |
| We are good to goooo! | |
| Say what? | |
| We’re good to goooo! | |
| Stop it. | |
| Say- | |
| Stop it. | |
| Andy. | |
| Tonight we’re staying late to service the accounts of the people who went on the Florida trip. | |
| Yes, of course, we could’ve just been doing this the whole time, but SOMEONE dropped the ball. | |
| …ball droppings can be beautiful. For example, when it turns an awkward soprano into a rich, full tenor. | |
| Jason Bourne would kick Bond’s ass. | |
| Jason Bourne has no support staff. His own government’s out to get him. | |
| Genghis Khan could take ’em both down ’cause he’s not afraid to kill children … What? it’s true. He- He would- he would eviscerate babies and hang them from poles outside of the villages. (Jim taps Dwight on the shoulder) | |
| Okay, drinking game. Count of three, take three sips. | |
| That’s a stupid game. I got a great drinking game. Okay, everyone empty your pockets. Whoever has the most seeds is the king. Whoever has the least buttons is the hunchback. | |
| What happens if you’re the hunchback? | |
| Oh, you get kicked. | |
| How many buttons do you have? | |
| (takes out bag) 40. Always. | |
| Can I see? | |
| Sure. (Hands bag to Cathy) | |
| So, I get to kick you now. | |
| No, they’re not transferrable just ’cause I handed ’em to you. | |
| Well, that’s how I played it in college. | |
| College rules (Cathy throws Jim the bag and Jim kicks Dwight) | |
| Aah! | |
| Aaaaand he host at his own lame game. | |
| Ooh, double meaning! The game was lame, and now he’s lame from the kick. Quick wit. | |
| Thank you. | |
 | I’ll have a glass of your oakiest chardonnay, please. | |
| And I will have waffle with your mapliest syrup. |  |
Waitress | Sorry, no waffles. | |
| Oh, okay. Just forget it, then. Forget it. Forget it. | |
| A waffle? | |
| A hotel waffle. I know what I want to eat. Is that crazy? | |
| No. | |
| I’m moving down here, you know. | |
| Oh, no, I didn’t know. | |
| I’m young, and I can … and if I can’t, I’m still pretty young. I guess I’ll always be young. | |
| You come with me. We’re gonna get you that waffle. | |
| Why would Erin confide in me that she’s staying here in Florida if she didn’t want me to make some last-ditch, nothing to lose, Kelly Ka-who run at her? (Erin walks over) Hey. | |
| Hey. | |
| Watson carpet and tile. | |
 | One order. | |
| Order reference number 00983-126. | |
 | Eight Cases, bright white inkjet. | |
| Paid. | |
 | I’m dying! | |
| Processed. |  |
 | And delivered. | |
| Sometimes I get so bored I just want to scream, and then sometimes I actually do scream. I just sorta feel out what the situation calls for. | |
| I will be right back. | |
| I will be here. | |
| Hey. I see what you’re doing. It’s futile. the VP position is mine. | |
| Oh, please, You’re through. She’s going to give it to me as I’m giving it to her tonight. The cowgirl has chosen her saddle. clicks tongue, whinnies | |
| Well, saddles… clicks tongue, whinnies … sometimes fall off, especially if you don’t properly cinch the girth. | |
| What? That’s a joke, right? You see the way she’s all over me. | |
| If anyone’s having sex with Nellie for personal gain, it’s me, and I’m not joking at all. If you don’t tighten your saddle, you may fall off. | |
| Who is ready for dinner? “oh, I bet it’s pizza, or tacos, or something stupid”. No. claps I went south of the border for this. And then I went south of that border. And we have ourselves… takes foil off tray Jamaican accent A Jamaican feast, mon! | |
| If I wanted Jamaican food I’d just hire a bunch of bodyguards and go there. | |
| Additional trivia factoid, this food comes to us through Val. And our server is none other than Brandon, her boyf! | |
| Hey. | |
| How you doing, Val? Val and Brandon kiss |  |
| Jamaican, huh? I just read about the elections down there. Crazy stuff. | |
| Oh no, I’m not actually Jamaican. | |
| Terrific. | |
| What’s up man? I’m Darryl. | |
| Darryl, I heard about you. You doing good? | |
| Oh yeah. | |
| Must be doing real good since you’re f***ing my girlfriend. | |
| Whoa. |  |
| Dude, you didn’t tell me you were f***ing Val. High five! | |
| I’m not sleeping with your girlfriend. | |
| Brandon, what the hell are you talking about? | |
| Don’t play dumb with me. I know what’s up. | |
| Honey, I am not sleeping with- | |
| Heyyy… let’s get back to the food. Brandon, tell us about these delicious looking goops! | |
| Hope you all like goat. | |
| Goat… | |
| Blow in my ear. | |
| Alright. | |
| Like I’m on the beach. | |
| imitates seagull calls Seagull. Continues seagull calls | |
| And a wave crashing… a wave crashing. | |
| Oh, that is lovely. | |
| Alright, that’s gonna do it for me tonight. Have a lovely evening. | |
| Hey, how’s it going? | |
| Hey, uh, good. Uh, the heating system though in my room is all messed up. It’s like 90 degrees in there. Maintenance is working on it. Can I hang out here? | |
| Uh… yeah, I’m just watching basketball. | |
| Okay, yeah. | |
| Okay. | |
| Cool… Jumps onto bed Is this March Madness? I love March Madness. | |
| Oh, no, that’s not this ’cause that’s in… March. Uh, this is just the NBA. Professional. Miami Heat, actually, so… sits on floor | |
| LeBron James. | |
| Yes, nice. Good word association | |
| giggles | |
| Impressive. | |
| Oh please, anyone can tie a knot, the real skill is in untying it puts string in his mouth | |
| Thornwood Wholesalers. | |
| One order. | |
| I read the text you sent to Val, man. | |
| That’s messed up. | |
| Is this spicy? | |
| No, baby girl. It would be messed up if I didn’t find anything, but I did, so- | |
| I’m pretty sure if Darryl sent Val a text, it was about some paper emergency or something. | |
| At midnight? | |
| … yeah… | |
| It happens! Like a hospital needs more napkins for surgery… | |
| Guys, we’re not gonna settle anything this way. I think we just need to be grown-ups here. | |
| Thank you. | |
| I thin we’re gonna need to here those texts. | |
| Kelly, remember how you wanted to go home before? | |
| No. There’s no way in hell I’m leaving. Something interesting is happening here for once in my life, I am staying here. Darryl, read the texts. | |
| Yup, coming. opens door All right. | |
| My mini bar is oddly out of rum. | |
| We have plenty. | |
| Oh, hello. laughs with Cathy | |
| Do you want to watch the game with us? We’re watching a game. The Heat game. Just a game. | |
| Got it. Good night. Careful Jim, it gets easier and easier. | |
| No, no, no, Stanley. | |
| mm-hmm. about to leave | |
| Stanley. Stanley. | |
| uh-huh. | |
| Stanley. Uhh… you know what? Just bring back those bottles! | |
| Whoa. the lights are still on. | |
| Yeah, they keep them on ’cause it’s less expensive than turning them on and off. | |
| I like how guys just know stuff all the time. | |
| Girls know a lot of stuff too, okay? And nobody knows more than you. Especially me. | |
| gasps Hello, waffle iron. | |
| Hello, what do we have here? | |
| Okay, so the recipe says we need a mixing bowl… | |
| Right. | |
| … a measuring cup… | |
| Got that. Metallic thud Get down. | |
| whispers It’s the fuzz! | |
| whispers Shh! do you want us to get scolded? Shut your beautiful, beautiful mouth, please. | |
| “I got too much ice cream. You want some?” “Getting’ my fry on.” | |
| Boring. | |
| Uh, “The moon is huge tonight.” | |
| Ooh, gosh, the moon one’s damning. Yeah, sorry. | |
| That’s regular text talk. | |
| You forgot one. | |
| “You’re such a great friend.” | |
| With the dots. | |
| “You’re such a great friend, dot dot dot dot dot.” | |
| Five dots, Darryl, are you kidding me? Okay, ’cause three dots means ‘to be continued’, four dots is a typo, but five dots means “Whoa, do not make me say what I want to say, baby, but if I did, it would blow your mind, dot, dot, dot, dot, dot. | |
| Oh… | |
| See? Yes. Thank you, sister. | |
| Brandon, Darryl and me? That’s ridiculous, right? | |
| Yeah, totally crazy. Puts me in an insane asylum just thinking about it. I’m stranded on shutter island over here. | |
| You look like Ed Harris if they stretched him a little bit. | |
| You wanna see a picture of me trapped under a tree? cell phone rings …ahhmmm… excuse me… What?! Not now, I’m busy. | |
| on phone I’m sorry, I thought you’d want to know that I saw a bedbug in my room. But, never mind, sorry to interrupt. | |
| Wait wait wait wait, bedbugs? Oh no… Freak, I need a favor. | |
| Well, then you have to call me by my name. Gabriel Susan Lewis. | |
| I gotta be gone for a few minutes. You make sure that Packer does NOT sleep with Nellie. | |
| What’s in it for GSL? | |
| You really want Packer as your boss? | |
| Got it. | |
| If Jim has bedbugs, that means they’re everywhere. I can’t risk them coming back to Schrute Farms. Our biggest attraction is our 200 year old mattresses. | |
| Where did you see it? | |
| In the bed. | |
| I haven’t seen anything. | |
| We gotta find it before it eggs. pulls sheets off bed | |
| Jeez… | |
| Describe it. | |
| Brown, shiny, painful bite. | |
| Could be a bat weevil… Describe its mood. Did it seen sleepy? | |
| Stressed, but to be fair, it was a tense situation. | |
| Fair enough, but after it bit you, did it run away fearful, or did it walk away smug, self-assured? | |
| So smug. Like he thought it was funny, like this. | |
| Pshh. That’s a bedbug. | |
| Yeah. | |
| Everything’s a joke. | |
| I know. | |
| Check your hair! checks Jim’s hair | |
| Ow. | |
| God, oh. So greasy, you should just shave all this. | |
| Just check it. | |
| You are clean. Okay… One thing a bedbug thrives on is heat and carbon dioxide starts running in place and turning up the thermostat I am going to generate myself into a human trap. starts to take off clothes When I jump into the bed, you are going to cover me with the sheet immediately. And then we’ll see who’s laughing. dastardly laugh | |
| Alright. | |
| Yeah. jumps into bed Cover me! | |
| Is this really nessecary? | |
| He knows what he’s doing. | |
| Let the bedbugs bite! | |
| Ugh, god, I feel so gross. I have to go take a shower. | |
| Alright, then I will catch you later… What do we do now? | |
| We wait. Shower starts Come to papa. | |
| Oh. | |
| I don’t know, Dwight, I think maybe you should check again. | |
| Nope, I wasn’t bitten. | |
| Well, maybe it isn’t warm enough in here. | |
| Oh, it’s plenty warm, and I was farting continuously under the sheet, creating a kind of greenhouse effect. | |
| Come on. | |
| If there were any in here, They would’ve imbedded themselves in me. | |
| You know what? Maybe they just ate. | |
| No, you’re good. Clean bill of health! Besides I gotta get back downstairs. I left Packer alone with Nellie for way too long. | |
| Okay, they’re fine. They’re adults. | |
| No, that’s the problem. Packer is trying to bed Nellie for the VP job unless I do it first. | |
| Is that really how you want to get this job? | |
| Such a chorus girl. | |
| Okay, Dwight… Dwight… Dwight, Dwight Dwight!… uh… | |
| in a bathrobe Is crazy gone? | |
| Oh! | |
| They don’t make these cords in boot cut anymore! | |
| Euughh… Pathetic, huh? A real man swallows his vomit when a lady is present… Hey. | |
| Yeah, one death by chocolate, one bananas foster… Okay, cool. Thanks… I know, I’m a pig, right? | |
| Hmm? No. | |
| giggles Wait, this why I exercise like a fiend. Feel. Seriously. | |
| Okay alright. gets up I’m really sorry, uh, I just have to say it. I’m-I’m married. I’m very happily married. | |
| Oh my God, what are you thinking? | |
| um… I mean- | |
| I know that you’re married, I sat at your wife’s desk. How little do you think of me? | |
| I’m sorry, I feel like maybe I’m-I’m I misread things. Okay, let’s just go back to watching. | |
| Can you… without running to the other side of the room all night? | |
| Yes, I can. Cathy laughs uh, all right. I’m really sorry. I think we’ll just… we’ll just watch. You can watch, not watch, whatever you want to do. Take another shower, I don’t care. | |
| Okay. Sits next to Jim. I am so cold. | |
| Jim Face | |
| Hey, Darryl. You okay? | |
| She’s got a boyfriend. | |
| Play it cool, man. She’ll come around. | |
| No, you should go for it. I mean nothing would’ve happened with me and Jim if he didn’t put himself out there. | |
| Yeah, but… My friend Jim would tell you to play it cool. | |
| My husband would tell you to go for it. | |
| Hey. | |
| Hey. | |
| Hey. | |
| Hey. | |
| Hey, this is fun. | |
| A lot of fun. | |
| I know. Can I give you a compliment? I’m really impressed by how much you’ve grown. Since I met you, it’s like night and day. | |
| You should move down here with me. | |
| Yeah? | |
| We could be roommates. | |
| Really? | |
| We could get a dog. We could go to R-rated movies. And who knows, I mean, you’re a guy, I’m a girl- | |
| Yeah. | |
| Maybe in six months- | |
| louder Six months?… um, okay, I’m in love with Kelly. | |
| Put your forehead near mine, and see if you can read my thoughts. | |
| Okay… Seven, one, one, nine… | |
| No, no, no, not numbers, no. | |
| No, okay. | |
| No. | |
| Try again… Ugh, I’m still getting numbers! Seven, one, one… is anyone around here thinking the numbers seven one one? ‘Cause please stop, okay? | |
| Dwight, give me a key card to your room. Meet me in seven minutes for some one-on-one time. | |
| gaspsWait, the numbers! | |
| Mm-hmm. | |
| oh… | |
| mm-hmm… | |
| There you go. | |
| I will see you in seven- | |
| Seven minutes. Dwight and Nellie kiss… Nellie, wait. Let me write my room number on the card. chuckles. Dwight writes on the key card scratches it with a magnet and hands it back to Nellie | |
| in voiceover Win at all costs, don’t respect women. These are the tenets I was brought up with, and they have served me well. But my ancestors never worked in corporate America, and before that, hunters. And before that, time travelers. And before that, me again. At least, that’s how the legend goes. The point is they never had to worry about how they got ahead. They just had to put food on the table and not alter the past. | |
| 1434-967, paid. | |
| It has been processed. | |
| It has been delivered. | |
| That’s it, last one. | |
| Andy this has been an amazing night. Epic. | |
| Cool-down fiesta begins right now. I got decaf coffee… | |
| No way. | |
| I got Romy and Michele’s High School Reunion… | |
| Hey. I just wanted to apologize. I mean, that was so weird. Can we just, like, never talk about it again? | |
| Sure. | |
| Okay, thanks. | |
| Hey, just so you know, me and you… I don’t think that’s ridiculous… Dot, dot, dot… dot, dot. | |
| All right. Now I think it’s time for you to go. | |
| What? Oh, Jim, I thought we talked about this. You’re cool, right? | |
| Cathy, go. | |
| wearing face mask with spray chemicals in hand Where’s the bug? | |
| Awesome. | |
| sprays the bed and Cathy Stand back! | |
| Aah! Stop, it, oh my god! That burns! what is that?! | |
| continues spraying the bed It’s a compound of chemicals I pulled off the maid’s cart! | |
| coughs and moans | |
| Right there! points to Cathy | |
| Oh stop it, stop it, stop it! | |
| coughs Oh, big one! Big one! Really big one! | |
| I can’t breathe! | |
| I think I saw it! | |
| Stop it! runs out the door | |
| Nice job, I think you got ’em. | |
| You can’t stay here, this place is a biohazard. If I were you, I’d just bunk with Cathy. | |
| Jim face | |
| Second best Bananas Foster I’ve ever had. | |
| Oh yeah? What’s the first best? | |
| at the door, unsuccessfully trying to open it with the demagnetized key card Dwight? knocks Hello? Dwight? | |
| whispers Is that Nellie? | |
| whispers Don’t let-shh! | |
| Are you in there? I can see the light on under your door. Hello? knocks Dwight turns off the lights Oh, look at that. The light went off, just as I said the light went on. Hello? knocks Dwight? whispers Dwight. Dwight eats his Bananas Foster | |