Jury Duty - The Office (Season 8, Episode 13)

Jim returns from jury duty and learns that, in his week-long absence, his co-workers were forced to pick up the slack his prolonged and unanticipated absence created. Jim reveals to the camera that, while he was called for duty, he was dismissed at noon on the first day and headed home to Pam and their two children; he saw that Pam was overwhelmed and took the rest of the week off to help take care of their children. He finds that his co-workers suffered various inconveniences covering for him, making him feel guilty. To appease his interested co-workers, Jim fabricates numerous details of his jury duty, and Dwight becomes suspicious when Jim mistakenly refers to a food truck franchise Toby ate at during his jury duty as a "restaurant". After finding a small inconsistency in Jim's story, Dwight accuses Jim of lying about jury duty and extracts from Andy a promise to fire Jim if he proves he is correct.

Ashamed, Jim privately admits the truth to Andy, who insists that they keep the matter a secret so that he will not be held to his promise. However, Dwight increases his attempts to prove Jim's guilt, and Jim finally decides to defy Andy's orders and tell his co-workers the truth rather than wait for Dwight to inevitably expose him. While this angers most of the employees, Dwight is thrilled at the confession and demands that Andy keep his promise to fire Jim. Andy refuses, so Dwight tries to contact Gabe. To smooth things over, Jim and Pam bring in their children, Cece and Phillip, and present pictures that Cece drew for the co-workers. It becomes clear that Jim and Pam drew the pictures themselves, but before the members of the office can berate the couple, the children begin crying loudly, creating a cacophony that Jim and Pam struggle to control, forcing them to take the children back to the car. Realizing the stress that having young kids causes, the office workers ultimately forgive Jim for his behavior and allow him to leave early to help Pam.

Angela and her husband, state senator Robert, welcome their new baby, also named Phillip. Oscar, Kevin, Erin, and Gabe all visit Angela at the hospital. According to Angela, the baby was born prematurely, but due to the size, Oscar deduces that Angela lied about the date of conception. Angela admits that the baby was conceived before her wedding, and makes Oscar promise not to tell anyone. Suspecting that Dwight is the real father, Oscar breaks his promise and tells him when he arrives at the hospital in search of Gabe. Dwight barges in on Angela and her husband and begins thoroughly examining the child. When the senator leaves, Dwight confronts Angela about the child, claiming that it is his. She refutes his claim, but Dwight leaves satisfied, telling the attending nurse to call off the baby's circumcision, which the nonplussed nurse refuses to do. Upon returning to Dunder Mifflin he drops his dispute with Jim, since his self-assumed fatherhood has given him a new appreciation for the duties of parenthood. The episode ends with Dwight putting a decal on his car, in honor of his covert new family member.

Best Funny Quotes From The Office - Jury Duty

Val, I need the space.

All right guys, clear out.

Everybody out.

Promise me you’re going to clean up.

I can’t promise what I’m going to do or not do.

Promise me that-

Obviously I’m going to clean up.

Stress is like the uptight mayor or a town who’s saying, “Hey, we’re uptight, you can’t dance,” and then you have to be like, “Oh yeah, Mayor Stress? Well watch this!” And then… we dance. Oh how we dance. dances to Kenny Loggin’s Footloose Sex also works.

Hey! Jim’s back from jury duty.

Hey! Tuna! He’s back.

Hey.

Oh, look at this. hugs Jim Tuna wrap.

Okay.

grabs Jim’s wrist Hand roll.

Yeah.

How was jury duty?

It was pretty uneventful, actually.

Can’t believe they let someone like you serve on a jury. Makes me question the whole judicial system.

What was the case?

Uh, hit and run.

Ooh, “the case of the hit and run,” that’s exciting.

Did you send him to the slammer?

Nope. Not guilty.

Of course you found him not guilty. mocking voice “Oh, he apologized and I just really want him to like me, mm.”

We’re best friends, actually. We’re going wine-tasting next weekend, if you want to come.

Not coming, have plans.

Okay.

I did get called in to jury duty. And they released me around noon, so, didn’t think it was worth it to come back to work for a half day. And then the next morning Pam was a little overwhelmed with the kids so I took an extra day to help out. And then three other days happened.

Ah! Angela had the baby!

Is it black? ‘Cause that would be hilarious.

Why?

You know.

Would it be more hilarious than Angela having a Chinese baby?

A little bit, yeah. Right guys? Back me up.

Eh, a little bit.

Oh, did I win the pool?

Ah, no. Right month, wrong year.

Well no one won the pool. Angela wasn’t due for another month.

We should all go to the hospital and visit her.

Oh, I’d love to but, um-

Aw man, I would but I can’t miss any more work.

Well Kevin and I have to go, Accounting is its own little family.

Yeah, Oscar’s the dad, I’m Oscar’s dad and Angela’s my mom.

Everyone, our very own Angela-

We all got the email, some of us are going to go visit.

Oh, I am so in.

I love maternity wards. It’s the perfect blend of love and horror. Things can go so wrong or so right.

Come on, Judge Judy, tell us your case. What were the deets?

Mine was actually a pretty boring case, so-

How could it be boring? You were there for five days. Titillate us.

Yeah, you owe us. I had to stay until six twice to cover for you. My wife got to the TV first, had to sit through damn Rizzoli and damn Isles.

Yeah, my car got smashed visiting one of your clients and I had to have it detailed and they took my meter change.

Wow, I’m really sorry.

Yeah.

I never considered that my week off would make everyone else’s job harder. The least I could do is give them a good story.

demonstrating with napkin holder and salt shaker So Phyllis, he was here, and then the car came and did- he was like that. Yeah, so it had to be a double backflip, actually.

You know, when I was on j-duty, uh, Strangler case, we used to recreate the various stranglings with empanadas from- at Ernesto’s.

Oh man, Ernesto’s. That was our favorite restaurant too.

You mean food truck. Ernesto’s was a food truck.

Toby, shut your hole about the empanadas. Nobody cares about the empanadas.

I was in Los Angeles last year. Jim tricked me into thinking I’d won a walk-on part on NCIS, but that’s not important. While I was being kicked off the lot, I saw food trucks everywhere. Everyone in Los Angeles eats from them. And nobody calls them restaurants.

whispering Guys, I don’t know how many of you have seen- Gabe? Bring it in. I don’t know how many of you have seen a premature baby before. It’s going to be really tiny, so please don’t say anything offensive.

Got that, bimbo?

Got it, bimbo. Oscar knocks at the door

Yes?

Knock, knock. Oh!

Hi!

Oh… I don’t- I don’t want any- what are you guys doing here?

We wanted to say hi to the newest little Dunder Mifflinite.

Well, meet our not-so-little bundle of joy, Philip Halsted Lipton.

Phillip is so fat.

Kevin!

You warned me not to say anything if it was tiny, Oscar. But you didn’t prepare me for a big, giant, fat baby.

Hey.

Yes, he’s substantial.

He’s more than substantial. He’s a monster.

So this whole hit and run thing, there’s just one part I can’t figure out. You said it was at a four-way stop…

Mm-hmm.

And the victim rode his bicycle into the left hand turn lane but the perp was already in the left-hand turn lane?

Mm-hmm.

See, that’s what I’m having trouble with, because the fact is, you never said he was on a bicycle. villainous laugh Busted, Halpert!

Okay, wait, wait.

Yes! Andy, get out here.

No. I never said he was on a bicycle. I just said I wasn’t listening to you.

I am making a citizen’s arrest. You have the right to remain silent. You have the right to beg for mercy. You have the right to request judgment by combat. Dwight’s rights.

What’s up, gangstas?

Jim was lying about jury duty. He was lying the whole time so he could go do yoga or go canoeing. I don’t know what this pervert likes. Fire him!

Dwight, not everything is a conspiracy theory.

I have Jim on the record saying that the vic-

No. Dwight! I have me on the record, saying to you, take a chill pill.

I don’t- I don’t need to take a chill pill.

Here, right there. mimes giving Dwight a pill and a glass Down the hatch.

I really don’t want to take the chill pill. mimes taking pill

Attaboy. Good. Now, chill.

Okay, okay. sits, exhales But let’s just say that Jim was lying about jury duty. You would have to fire him, right?

Yeah, sure, of course. I’d fire him to Timbuktu. Jim laughs nervously

That’s good enough for me. exhales again

…and Pam was just going crazy, trying to take care of Philip because Cece has been out of control recently, and- look, Andy, it doesn’t matter. The truth is, I just feel terrible lying to you.

I feel terrible getting lied to. No one’s ever lied to me before.

Okay. I think the best thing to do right now is just come clean and tell everybody the truth.

No, not after what I told Dwight about firing you. No. Here’s what we’re going to do. We’re going to have ourselves a good old-fashioned cover-up. Have you ever heard of a Connecticut cover-up?

No.

Do you know why you never heard of it?

No.

Covered it up.

Are you sure you can keep this under wraps?

They used to call me King Tut because I’m so good at keeping things under wraps.

My nickname was actually King Butt, because I had a king-size butt.

Ernesto

pulls food truck up to where Dwight and Nate are standing Where you want I park?

Okay, everybody, gather ’round. Got a real special surprise for you. indicates Ernesto and assistant who are carrying empanadas

Ernesto!

Hola Toby! mimes choking

Ernesto

Yeah, hey.

Como esta? speaks Spanish

Ernesto

Uh, I’m going to say “I” when I’m talking for Ernesto, so instead of “he says blah, blah, blah,” I’m going to say “I say, blah, blah, blah,” but that’s for him. Anyway, it was something like, “He remembers Toby.” makes face “I remember Toby.”

Okay- oh, Jim. Hey, this guy look familiar?

Uh-

It’s the empanada guy.

The empanada guy!

No, Toby! bleep Damn it, Toby! No, I wasn’t asking you. sighs Ask him if he remembers Jim. Nate asks Ernesto a question in Spanish

Ernesto

No.

He says, “No.”

He says, “No!” Boom!

Yeah but who remembers all their customers? I mean, I can name like three of our clients.

Okay, he remembers Toby, the most forgettable man in the known world. Ernesto says something in Spanish

Ah, he doesn’t want any trouble, he sees lots of people, they come from all around to eat his delicious meat pockets.

Uh, you guys are going to love these. So, empanadas on me. You guys gotta try them.

Usually I’m a burrito guy, but if you won’t tell, I won’t. Wink, wink.

Great. And while we’re enjoying these delicious empanadas, Jim, why don’t you tell us your story again?

Why? Everybody’s heard it.

Walk us through it. What time would you get there every morning?

Hey, Murder She Wrote. How about we drop the whole ‘Murder, She Wrote’ thing, okay? Jim was at the courthouse for jury duty every morning. How do I know? Because I drove him there.

Why?

Why? Why? looks at Jim

Because my car broke down.

His car broke down. So he called me, ’cause I live near the courthouse.

Wait, wait. You live by the courthouse. So you drove from near the courthouse, out to Jim’s house, and then back to the courthouse?

Thirty minutes out, thirty minutes back, easy hour. And I would watch that cute little tushie scurry up those courthouse stairs every morning and that was that.

to Ernesto I’m sorry, do you have any American Mexican food?

We’re getting buried out there. What was that stuff about the car breaking down?

Well, I think you handled it pretty well.

I’m not Rumpelstiltskin, Jim. I can’t keep spinning gold out of your bleep.

Okay, listen, all right? Dwight’s on to us, he’s going to figure it out really soon, so let’s just get ahead of it, let’s tell the truth.

sighs I don’t even know what the truth is anymore.

Wow, it’s so… healthy.

I’m going to call him Little Kevin.

No, you will not.

Is he really five pounds?

Mm-hmm.

Because I squat with five pounds. This- squats, grunts yeah, this feels like more than that.

No, no, no, he’s nine pounds, seven ounces.

Nine pounds? Really? I thought you said five. You know what? I was under so many drugs, I felt like I was at a James Taylor concert or something, oh. So, what did you bring?

Oh yeah, I don’t know if it’s right, but-

Well, if it’s anything like that gorgeous wrapping paper, you hit it out of the park.

Aw, preemie pajamas!

Again, it may not be the right size. I can return-

No, I think he came early just so he could wear these. Thank you.

I got Little Kevin Call of Duty.

This baby is clearly not premature. They’re lying about the date it was conceived. It’s very interesting. And her husband’s gay. I don’t even know which thread to follow.

Uh, excuse me, can I have everyone’s attention for a second? First off, I just want to say that I’m really sorry, I didn’t know that my absence last week would have been a burden on any of you, because, though I did have jury duty last week, they did dismiss me early on Monday. And I think you’re going to find this pretty hilarious. I kind of, uh, well, maybe took the week off.

What?

Funny? No? Nobody laughing?

laughs You’re screwed! Oh, it’s happening. It’s really happening.

What the hell, Jim? I covered for your bony butt.

Pam really needed some help with the kids, so, I promise my intentions were good.

Your clients. They’re all mine.

Jim, I got my ass chewed out because one of your orders got messed up. And Andy, you said you drove him to the courthouse.

Uh, I did, every morning. And if I didn’t, then I hope I die.

All right, well. Let’s get this show on the road, shall we? Allow me to give you a hand. puts Jim’s things in a box Here we are. So long, clump-mate. I’m going to miss you. Truth be told, I never thought that this was how it was going to end. I always thought that I was going to defeat you somehow. But you’ve defeated yourself. laughs

Dwight, cut it out. I’m not firing Jim.

No, no, no. You said- you said that you were-

I know what I said. Jim, you’re in deep doo-doo. Do you understand? I have one thing to say to you, and I’m going to say it in front of this whole office. Look me in the eye. gives Jim a limp slap

That’s it? This is crap! dumps the box on Jim’s desk and leaves

on voicemail You’ve reached Gabe Lewis, I’m currently indisposed. Leave me a message. Ciao. beep

Gabe, it’s Dwight again. Highest priority, triple-urgent. Call me. Immediately. That means ASAP.

I’m gonna find Gabe, tell him what Jim did and let the little stickler do what he does best: stickle.

Shh.

Honestly, I can return this for a larger size.

It’s fine. Pajamas aren’t supposed to be baggy, right? It’s not the barrio.

The only premature baby in this room is the baby this baby ate.

Ah!

giggles Little Kevin.

Really?

Angela.

Fine, God. Philip was conceived nine months ago.

I knew that, I knew it.

The senator and I wanted to wait, but we had just seen Thor and there was way too much wine in my chicken piccata.

Chicken marsala.

Right. Um, point is, Philip was conceived out of wedlock.

Mm-hmm.

And now you all know, but you can never tell. I’m serious.

Dwight. Hey.

Oh, hey. Have you seen Gabe?

He went to the car or something, but he’ll be back.

Okay. sits

Don’t you want to see the baby?

Psh! Why? I know what Angela and the senator look like. I can mash that up in my head right now.

I promised I wouldn’t tell.

So don’t.

Angela got pregnant before the wedding.

What?

She got pregnant before the wedding.

How long before?

A month. Dwight leaves, Oscar calls after him You didn’t hear it from me!

Yes I did.

Dwight?

Dwight.

I want to see the baby.

Oh, Angela will make you cut your fingernails. It’s not worth it.

Oh, yes. Oh, what a beautiful child. Prominent forehead, short arms, tiny nose. You will lead millions… whispers willingly, or as slaves.

That baby is a Schrute. And unless somebody taught Mose sex, that baby is mine.

He’s hungry.

Oh, that’s my cue to leave.

No, you don’t have to. I’m going to wear this cover.

Still. Still.

You won’t see-

to Cece You want a giraffe?

Yes, I am brining my kids in to help me get out of this hole. And you all remember my beautiful wife, Pam.

Hi. Wow, I really thought I’d be more excited to be here.

Whoa, whoa, whoa, game face, baby, game face.

Oh right, okay. Hey Stanley, it’s great to see you!

Whoa, no, no. That’s overdoing it, I think.

Oh, hi Stanley.

Split the difference?

Jim.

Okay, let’s go.

Hey.

Hi.

Hi everybody!

What?

All

Hi.

How about a little visit?

Wow, what a surprise. That’s crazy. You guys get to meet the little heck-raisers.

Hey, Angela’s back with her baby.

Yes, well, you guys all know Cece, but we wanted to introduce you to baby Philip.

Aw! You guys. He’s licking on my finger, just like my cat does.

Let me have a turn.

No, it’s the pacifier’s turn.

All right.

Did you say something about this one bringing in something for these people?

gasps Yes! Cece wanted to thank everybody for letting her daddy stay home with her all last week and play, so she brought you a little treat.

Cookies?

No, but that would’ve been a really good idea.

That was a great idea.

No, she brought you drawings.

Oh my goodness, let’s take a look at these. They’re usually amazing, so let’s see. Yup, they are. Uncle Andy.

Oh!

Oh, Aunt Phyllis.

Oh.

Wow, these are incredible. Cece, did you do these?

Cece

No.

She says “no” to everything. You know, she thinks my name is “No.” Cece, do you want some broccoli?

Cece

Yes.

No. It’s crazy.

Why am I shorter than the table that I’m standing next to?

There’s cross-hatching in some of these. That’s kind of advanced for a two-year-old.

Cece, this is your big sister Kelly. Did you color this pretty picture?

No.

Cece

So then this means nothing to you. rips picture

Hey, Cece, why don’t you draw another picture for us, exactly like this one, or at least in the exact same style?

You know what? I don’t think you need to do things on command. That’s very weird. I’ll just take that. Thank you. I think we should just wrap up the show, kiddos. Right?

cries Mama!

Cece

Shh.

I don’t know what else we can do here.

Cece

cries Mama, mama, mama.

It’s okay.

Oh, it’s okay, sweetie.

All right, all right. Okay.

It’s okay, honey. Philip cries It’s okay, it’s okay.

All right, I know, I know. Let’s just get this.

Shh.

Mama!

Cece

Angela, this child is definitely mine. He looks just like me.

Every baby looks just like you. Your face kind of looks like a baby.

Need I remind you that we were together a month before the wedding?

That is completely untrue.

Completely true. Remember? Angela. No.

You said that Robert was not fulfilling you-

I did not. Uh-uh.

-and I said, “I bet I could fulfill you,” and you said, “I’d like to see you try,” and then I kissed you with the force of a thousand waterfalls.

That didn’t happen.

And then I inserted my penis-

No! Stop it!

Into your-

Dwight.

Vagina and-

And even if it did, it’s just a coincidence.

Admit that there is a chance.

I will not.

Admit it. Admit it.

I will not, it’s not-

All done?

Yeah.

Mmm.

Yes, yes. He’s sleeping.

Before I go, may I?

Sure. gives Philip to Dwight Watch the head, watch the head.

Nurse, you know that baby in there, baby Philip? Cancel the circumcision.

Nurse

Who are you?

I just might be his father.

Nurse

I don’t know what that means. We’re gonna circumcise him.

Philip is crying I know, buddy, I know. Cece, you want to come? Want to come out?

Cece

No!

Oh bud, I know. Do you have a pacifier or anything?

I’m looking, I’m looking for the pacifier.

Cece!

Okay, we’re going.

Okay, okay, we gotta go. All right, we’re going home, we’re going home. We’re going home, we’re going home. I know, I know, bud.

Shh, shh, shh.

I know, I know.

You want to grab her?

I’m gonna grab her, okay.

Here we go, here we go.

Hi, all right. I’m just going to go down to the car and I’m going to put her in her seat and I’ll be right back up.

groans We’ll see you tomorrow.

No, no, it’s okay, I’ll be right back.

No, just go home.

It’s all good, we got this.

I have a kid. Last week, Jim at home? That was no vacation.

Jim.

Just go.

Hey, we’ll be just fine.

Thanks guys. All right, here we go. Let’s go.

Oh, whew!

Dwight, what the hell? You can’t smoke in here.

Oh, right. sighs The office looks different now. Huh. Smaller. Maybe I just feel bigger. Hello Gabe.

You had something important to tell me?

Oh, you know, I did but now it seems infinitely insignificant.

Jim? Oh, right. Nah, forget it. He was doing it for his kids. I get it. Kids drive us dads crazy. Sometimes I feel like they’re raising us. Am I right?

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