Mrs. California - The Office (Season 8, Episode 9)

While Andy is having a meeting with Jim in his office, Robert California appears at the window and frantically says that his wife Susan is looking for a job in the office, and that Andy must not give her one. When Susan arrives, Andy compliantly tells her that they have no openings, but Robert insists that they have a look around before coming to any conclusions. Susan looks at the different departments, and decides on accounting. Andy again claims the office is already fully staffed, but Robert insists that he give her a job, even pressuring Andy by reminding him of his power as CEO. Confused by Robert's mixed messages, Andy relents and gives her a job, but Robert later calls Andy on the phone to berate him for hiring Susan. Andy asks everyone in the office to treat her poorly to drive her out, which makes everyone uncomfortable as they like her, but end up doing so nevertheless.

When Susan notices their behavior, she complains to Robert, who asks Andy to discuss the issues with Susan in the conference room and leaves. Susan eventually realizes it was Robert's idea to drive her away. When they call Robert out, he vehemently denies it. Andy tells them Jim also heard him say he did not want her working at the office, which Jim overhears, prompting him to flee the office, not wanting to be part of the drama. Robert finds out Jim has fled, and orders security to close the gate, preventing Jim from leaving. Jim then runs all over the building (at one point encountering Creed flying a toy helicopter on the roof), but Andy and Robert find him and take him back to the office.

After trying unsuccessfully to deflect their questions about what Robert told Andy, Jim blurts out that he is baffled at Robert's attitude, since Jim enjoys working in the same place as his wife Pam and misses her while she is on maternity leave. Andy and Jim leave the conference room and after a short while, Robert and Susan leave. In the parking lot, Andy apologizes to Susan and after brief small talk, Susan asks Andy out on a date, leaving him surprised.

In the episode's b-plot, Dwight opens a gym in the building, which intrigues Darryl, who's been looking to lose weight. However, Dwight's gym is only filled with his farming equipment as exercising equipment. Darryl says he needs actual equipment, which Dwight finally gets, but sees that Darryl is barely using it, in part due to Dwight's insistence they focus on working the pelvic bowl. Dwight asks more employees to join to help motivate Darryl to exercise harder, getting only Gabe Lewis (Zach Woods) to join. During a bench-press, Dwight refuses to spot Darryl unless he says his motivation to work out. Darryl finally says it is to impress the new female warehouse worker Val, though Dwight believes he is referring to Val Kilmer.

Best Funny Quotes From The Office - Mrs. California

knocks water bottle on to Jim’s desk Oh, little help. Wow your hair is really thinning.

Standing is proven to be healthier, increases productivity and just looks cooler. Picture someone doing something heroic. Now was he sitting or standing? Not counting FDR.

Every second you sit there is an hour off your life. Look at all of you. I feel like you’re in a suicide cult.

No. No. No. You’re way off on that one.

Oh yeah?

Are you really comfortable standing there? I tried one of those and I just never hit the sweet spot.

Hey guys let’s just all admit it. Ok? Dwight’s better than us. He had the guts to stop sitting. And he’s never, ever going to go back on it right?

That’s right Jim.

Hey man.

jumping up from an almost sitting position Hey.

Taking a load off huh?

No. Putting a load on more like it.

Good luck with that.

Last thing I need is luck. hunches down again

to Angela Thank you so much. hums

sees a pole poking out Dwight’s pant leg What are you up to? Oops look out! grabs Dwight’s wallet

What are you doing? Give that back. Come on!

Prank! throws money from Dwight’s wallet on the floor

Oh that’s real creative.

You know what it’s not my best. Because you could just easily bend over and pick it up right?

I could, but I just don’t feel like it loser.

Because you’re sitting?

Standing.

Ok.

Don’t!

Because you’re sitting?

Standing.

You know I have to do this.

I know. Jim pushes him over, Dwight screams

signing his name Andrew… Baines… Bernard.

I think you could just do Andy Bernard.

Andrew Baines Bernard. I love filling these out. Because it’s like taking a test, but I know the answers.

loudly knocking on the window In four seconds my wife is going to be coming through that door. I told her she could work here. Under no circumstances can that be allowed to happen. to Mrs. California There you are! Honey how on earth could you miss the elevator?

What was that?

I don’t know. He wasn’t talking to me. But if I were you I wouldn’t hire his wife.

That’s why my foundation – The Dream for a Wish Foundation – is going to put them out of business. They’re not going to know what hit them.

Everyone. I’d like to introduce my wife Mrs. Robert California. Mrs. California this is everyone.

Hello. Oh call me Susan please.

Last night at dinner Susan and I were talking about her returning to work. So she’s here today to see if there’s a good fit. Something tells me it just might work out. This is Andy Bernard the regional manager.

Hello nice to meet you.

Hey there. It’s a pleasure.

Andy would you be so kind as to show Susan around the office. Show her the various departments. Find a place where she’ll shine.

I would love to. But I have to be completely honest with you guys. We’re 100 percent staffed up.

Andy. Let’s see if there’s a good fit first. Then we’ll talk.

Alright.

Knock, knock, knock, knock, knock.

You don’t have to say it if you’re doing it.

laughs Remember how you said that you were looking in the office to do calisthenics and aerobics?

Uh weight lifting yeah.

Well today’s your lucky day. I have opened in this very office building Dwight Schrute’s Gym for Muscles. You wanna take a look?

I’ll take a look.

Your path from obesity begins right here!

I’ve been meaning to join a gym. narrating over a montage of scenes with him and Val For my health. I used to say I wanted to live long enough to see a black President. I didn’t realize how easy that would be. So now I want to live long enough to see a really, really gay President. Or a supermodel President. I want to see all the different kinds of Presidents.

Obese people in my office are a drain on resources. Chairs wear out faster, it takes more Freon to keep them cool, they flush the toilets more often, plus their massive BMs bust the rivets on my pipes. But a gym turns fat into cash.

Alright! The DM Express is pulling out.

Well it was really nice to meet you Brian.

Actually Ryan.

Oh, Ryan.

Bitttch!

We will start here at Erinville.

Hi.

Hoo-hoo!

Reception. Your classic one-man operation.

Although I was watching a movie and Merryl Streep had two secretaries.

I was watching a movie and a bunch of apes took over San Francisco. Just saying.

Two secretaries could convey a sense of importance and success to our clients. Certainly worth exploring; wouldn’t you agree Andy?

I’ll explore exploring it.

Good. It seems like you have this under control. So I’ll just duck out and run the company for a while.

Ok uh next stop on the tour sales. Here we go. Station stop Jim Halpert. Oh boy our resident truth teller. Jim laughs nervously Alright have at it. Let ‘er rip. What do you hate about this place?

Well it’s sales. So you have to be able to live in the world of rejection.

Maybe you do. Hi. I’m Dwight. Sales is really not so hard ok? It’s paper. We have it and they want it so bad they are willing to pay for it.

Jim?

Well it’s not that easy. It’s kind of sometimes difficult.

It’s the second easiest job in the world. to camera Being a mom.

I love shopping and sales is just the other side of that.

That is true.

You know if you joined our sales department you would be working very closely with our department head Mr. Dwight Schrute.

That’s me.

Dwight why don’t you tell Susan about some of your hobbies. Survival skills. Ranking of animals.

Maybe over a beer after she’s closed her first sale makes gun click noise.

Well make that a red wine and I’ll tell you my animal rankings makes gun click noise back.

Oh how am I supposed to pull this off? montage of office workers in friendly interactions with Susan. The entire office is being nice to her than they’ve ever been to me. What I wouldn’t give for one of Phyllis’ classic room clearing farts right now.

Ready? What do you think?

Um no. This is not a gym. This is like a scene out of Saw 5.

You haven’t even looked around yet. Look. Gravel bucket squat yoke squats, grunts and lifts Right? Dedicated phone book ripping station tries and fails to tear a phone book in half. You ever cut tin before? Five yards in and your forearms will be on fire. Plus I will buy the tin back from you that you cut for two cents a yard. Now let’s go over membership. I’m going to need the first month’s and the last month’s up front. $49 per month. But every third month is $59 a month. But the fourth month is a discount month at $19 per month…

Obviously you know how a gym works. So you know I’m not going to pay money for this. You want people to come to your gym? Make a real gym.

Darryl… picks up sledgehammer and swings it at a hanging tire

Make a real gym.

I was thinking accounting might be a good fit because I really clicked with Oscar and I do have some experience in bookkeeping.

But we already have a surplus of accountants as it is.

Uh I could work in customer service. HR even.

Those are fully staffed as well.

Are you telling me that there’s no one in this entire office that could use an extra pair of hands?

laughing nervously Yes.

I am the CEO and I am telling an employee of mine what to do.

Let me beat around the bush for a second. Our chairman of the board has some very strong feelings about-

Robert this is very uncomfortable. Obviously there’s no place for me here. So thank you for trying. Why don’t we just let it go.

No. Absolutely not. Andrew there must be something you can do. Think.

There are lots of considerations.

I would be eternally grateful. It’s not a bad thing to have the CEO owe you one.

Alright. Well then welcome aboard.

So what happens next?

We get you over to HR and then we get you set up with accounting. phone rings Hang on. Hello?

on phone Say hello grandma.

Hi gam-gam.

Hold one finger up to Susan. You’ll just be a second. You numbskull. You were given a very simple task. I could not have been more clear with you. Now say, "are you taking your medicine?"

Are you taking your med-meds?

Why can you not say exactly what I tell you? Undo this. Undo it. Robert and Andy hang up phones

You didn’t say goodbye to your grandma.

We promised we’d never say goodbye.

Attention! I am now accepting memberships for Dwight Schrute’s Gym for Muscles. The first 20 members can take advantage of the pay what you weigh promotion.

All I need is another gym. As if I don’t have enough drama.

We have a gym at home. It’s called the bedroom.

Who’s spotting who? Don’t use the bike in the corner. That’s Bruce’s. Jeremy says…

Enough Oscar, enough.

Kelly?

I have these new sneakers which are basically like a gym for your feet.

That’s okay. I know how to build a business. You gotta get the black people to do it to get the white people to do it. Then you gotta get the black people to stop doing it. One step at a time.

Did you bring your passport with you?

Who walks around with their passport?

Well, I do. Always ready for adventure.

Have you had any?

No.

sees Susan is busy in the annex Hey, uh, guys. So Robert doesn’t want his wife working here. So now that she is, we have to drive her away.

Andy, if he didn’t want her working here then why did you hire her?

How can we do that? She’s simply wonderful.

This is all pathetic.

I am not asking, I am ordering.

How mean are we talking about?

It would be great if she were gone by lunch. Erin, you’re up. Find her a place to work, but not too comfortable.

Got it. I know exactly which stapler to give her.

Here you go. gives Susan a tiny stapler

Um, do you think it would be possible to move to that desk over there? Because this seems a bit cramped and I don’t have a computer.

Well that’s a sales desk.

Yeah. You need to be over here with us accountants. Just sit here and be quiet. And if you have a question, just raise your hand. But I’m gonna save you some time, sweetie, and give you the answer now. I. Don’t. Know.

No, I don’t think we should be trying to make this place seem unpleasant. I think we should let this place just crush her spirit by itself. I mean, it knows what it’s doing.

That’s Gerald. hands phone to Jim

Oh, wow. So cute.

Oh, that is so cute-

grabs phone Aw… He’s so tiny. Is he in a ladle?

Yeah, he’s in a ladle.

That’s adorable. How on earth did you get him in a ladle?

He did it himself.

Is that ladle stainless or…

Oh, stainless. Williams Sonoma.

Excuse me, waiter, there’s a dog in my soup. Jim chuckles

It’s not that kind of ladle.

Very cute. holds out the phone

Aw, let me see-

grabs phone Ah, just the battery on these things. I’m sorry, I’ve got to recharge this.

I get it. Last time I had a job, I remember I hated the boss’ wife. Of course, she was married to Robert.

Your employees don’t seem to be taking to me.

Andy! Andy, could you step in here, please? We’ll fix this.

in robot voice What is going on?

chuckles Please. Andrew, my wife… has brought up an issue that requires your attention. So, uh, if you’ll excuse me, I should step out, get to the ATM before that homeless man sets up camp for the night.

Okey-dokey, artichokey. You hate it, don’t you?

Do you not want me here?

Why would you say that?

It’s okay. I understand. I’m not sure how I would feel about having the boss’ wife work for me either.

It’s not that, exactly.

But it is something.

Let’s just say that if you don’t want to work here, I am totally prepared to respect that.

Why would you not want me working here?

I don’t know. chuckles

I think I understand what you’re going through. My husband can be a very difficult man to read, can’t he?

Yes! The dude is an enigma.

Mm-hmm. So he is mixed up in this, isn’t he?

Ah… stammers

Got it.

What do you think you’re doing?

Getting my sweat on.

I build you this temple to the human body, and you’re lifting what, five pounds?

I just did, like, 35 minutes on the treadmill.

I was watching you. You want to know how long it really was?

No.

Eight minutes!

Dude, I’m gonna be here all week, right? Five days a week, I figure I’ll start slow.

Is that the same philosophy you apply to buffalo wings? points I want you to bring that same buffalo wing passion to this gym! I’m gonna make you look like Lebron James!

It’s Lejon Brames.

That’s what I said.

You know, get it right.

I know.

to Susan Cameras…

enters Oh, still here. Terrific.

Andy and I had a great conversation. And I just want to let you know that I am not going to be working here.

Well that’s a shame.

It just was one of those things-

Is it? Because we talked about it and it seems like that might be what you want. Which is fine.

Where did this come from? Did Andy say that?

No, he did not, but I could tell he was struggling to understand what was expected of him.

What’s the struggle? He made a great call, hired a great person.

You sure about that?

Absolutely.

No games?

No games.

Because Andy seemed to think there was some information he was not able to share with me.

Okay, enough of this. I mean, really, enough. It’s gotten way out of hand. Andrew, this is my wife. Whatever privacy you were trying to protect between us, I thank you for. But it is not welcome right now. Just be honest.

Andy?

Yes?

Why do you keep looking at my husband?

Andy, just answer the question.

No games?

No games.

Okay. I mean, it was kind of funny, actually. Robert storms in and he says, “in four seconds, my wife’s gonna be in here. I told her she could work here. Under no circumstances can that be allowed to happen.” laughs

You lying son of a bitch!

Tell my wife you’re lying.

I am lying. I am a compulsive liar.

That’s not true, is it?

No, it’s not. I tell the truth most of the time and I was just telling the truth about your husband. Jim knows. He was there.

This is preposterous.

Robert…

Let’s get Jim in here. Jim shoves out of fram in his chair, Robert looks for Jim Where’s Jim?

He just rolled out and crawled out.

Can you call security, tell ’em to keep an eye out for him? Time to settle this.

to Hank who is closing the gate Oh wait, wait, wait! Hold on, hold on. I just need to get through. Just real quick. Real quick, open… uh, okay. runs

sees Jim’s abandoned car That’s weird. Well, he’s gotta be around here somewhere.

shoe falls while climbing ladder Oh. Ow. Ow. Ow. grunts Creed. I was never here, all right?

Okay. What about your friend?

Oh boy.

This is my gym, my rules. You do exactly as I say, no questions asked.

Yeah, I’m gonna ask questions and I might not do what you say.

First thing, we’re gonna stretch the pelvic bowl. Ready? Get down on the floor.

Okay, I’m not doing that.

Really? Too embarrassing for you? Huh? You wish that every exercise was strutting around the gym like the Fonz? Well how do you think the Fonz got so cool? He stretched his pelvic bowl!

I didn’t know Darryl joined.

Looks that way.

Nice pelvic bowl. Deep.

Hello Jim. Jim tries to escape

grabs Jim’s leg No, no. No, no, no! Don’t! Damn it, Tuna!

So I think you know what we want to know.

Do I?

Yes.

mutters I know, I do.

Jim, I’ve had enough of your unhelpfulness.

I really wish I could help. I’m not really sure how I can…

For God’s sake, did Robert tell you that he didn’t want me working here?

That’s the thing. See, I didn’t want to get in the middle of this. Still don’t. But here’s something: I feel that maybe, if we take a step back, this is a simple case of anxiety to work with a spouse.

laughs I think we’ve got ourselves an answer.

No.

That makes complete sense. Thank you all for a wonderful day.

Perfect!

Jim…

Yes?

Answer the question, please.

sighs I don’t know what you want me to tell you. To be really honest, my wife works here. And I love it. She literally makes me work harder. She makes me smarter. She makes me remember why I’m here. And between us, she’s on maternity leave right now, and I would love to leave this room and see her face. I would love it. I don’t know how this helps, but it’s just what I’m thinking.

All right. Thanks.

Yes. All right. Great. leaves

Uh…

Yeah.

Yep.

Robert holds the door, she walks through Thank you. leaves

claps Andy’s shoulder Heh.

Andy.

Hey, Mrs. California.

Hey. Uh, I’m sorry about the position you were put in today.

You know, honestly, we all wanted you to work there. Except for him. Especially me.

Yeah, I thought we really hit it off.

Yeah.

Well, different circumstances.

Yeah.

Who knows?

Who knows?

Maybe after all this settles down…

Totally.

It’s a date.

Hmm?

You’re nothing! You’re so weak, you call yourself a man? Huh?

This doesn’t help me. I don’t respond to that kind of strategy.

Okay, fine. Finish your set on your own and never come back to my gym again!

Dwight, come back and spot me.

All right, I’ll help you. But first, you gotta tell me what your goal is. What do you want?

To push this bar up.

No! Because if that was the case, the bar would be up by now. What is your goal?

Help me!

What do you want!?!

To look good for Val!

Val Kilmer? I don’t buy it. That doesn’t make any sense. Wow… I figured out your goal. I am going to make you the buffest dude Val Kilmer has ever seen.