Gettysburg - The Office (Season 8, Episode 8)

Andy thinks that a field trip to Gettysburg would boost office morale. At Gettysburg, Andy is unhappy with the lack of morale and belief in his leadership and attempts to make an analogy between running a paper company and fighting in the Civil War. Andy starts to lead a haphazard tour, and eventually most of the office members sit down to rest. Jim and Darryl follow Andy after he presses on, and eventually tell him to stop trying to impress the office. They explain that no one is responding to his analogies because they are not true, and reinforce the fact that his co-workers like him the way he is.

During the tour, Dwight argues with Oscar about what he claims is the northernmost battle of the Civil War: the Battle of Schrute Farms. Dwight maintains that its absence from the history books is an example of re-writing history, whereas Oscar maintains that the battle is a fictitious creation. Oscar is further annoyed when Dwight attempts to convince Erin that the Battle of Schrute Farms is real. After tracking down an archivist, Dwight and Oscar learn that the Battle of Schrute Farms did in fact take place. However, the "battle" was really a code term. During the Civil War, Schrute Farms was a safe haven for artists and poets (and, as heavily implied, homosexuals). Oscar finds this fascinating, whereas Dwight leaves in disgust. Gabe is sidetracked by another tour group who assume that he is an Abraham Lincoln impersonator. He acquiesces and delivers an improvised but applauded performance.

At the office, half of the employees opts to stay behind. Robert California makes a spontaneous visit and asks them to come up with Dunder Mifflin/Sabre's next big idea. However, the office fails to impress Robert with their ideas. Kevin details an idea he has about cookie placement in the vending machine, but Robert gets the impression that he is extremely clever and is speaking only in metaphors. The employees try to offer analogies to Kevin's words, but Robert gives credit to Kevin. Ryan, who has been annoyed the entire day with Kevin being creative and Robert rejecting his ideas, later tricks Kevin into explaining an idea he has involving the Big Mac, and Robert realizes that there was no subtext to Kevin's ideas.

Best Funny Quotes From The Office - Gettysburg

The Sabre Code of Conduct outlines the governing principles key to establishing and maintaining trust with our employees, clients-

Oh my God, kill me!

Hey! All right, obviously we all want to die but we have to get through this. So, Gabe go ahead. It’s okay.

Oh, is it okay with you? Because if it’s not, you work for me, so… Comply with all applicable laws, regulations, policies and contracts governing our business. Be honest, fair-

whispers to Jim I’m gonna do it.

And trustworthy in all your business activities and relationships. Treat one another-

Oh! I’m going into labor! Oh my goodness!

Oh okay, she’s going into labor. Make way, everybody!

I know it’s wrong to fake going into labor just to get out of things, but sometimes it’s necessary.

after Angela gives her a stack of files: I’m going into labor!

Or should I have corndogs. I mean-

I’m going into labor!

Okay, three reasons you are wrong about True Blood. Number one-

I’m going into labor.

Here we go!

Hey guys, uh, can’t keep saying you’re going into labor. Everyone knows you’re full of it.

Yeah.

It’s not fair, you guys.

Pitiful.

It’s stupid.

Never cry wolf.

Okay.

Okay.

Oh. liquid splatters

Oh! Oh!

Oh! Oh my goodness!

Oh my God!

I’m really in labor! This is happening!

Okay guys, here we go! We’ll see you!

Oh!

How do you feel?

Drive carefully!

Good luck!

Goodbye! Good luck! empty bottle falls to the ground

False alarm.

on the phone What?! They took another client from us? Okay, bye. Man! Business is war! Customers, clients- it’s like a war out there.

I am a leader. But you can only inspire people so much in a place like this. So today I’m turning the inspire-factor up to ten with a little help from my friend America’s bloodiest battle.

Why even read business books? We should be studying war. Going to places like Gettysburg. Where is that?

It’s right here in PA.

gags, coughs Well we should take a fieldtrip there. I mean, that would be so cool. I wonder if that bus downstairs is-

Okay, Andy, we get it. It’s a trip to Gettysburg.

That sounds super inspiring! I’m in!

Gettysburg? Hmm. Could be interesting. Second-most northern battle in the Civil War.

Actually it is the northernmost.

Ha!

The Civil War history industry has conveniently forgotten about the battle of Schrute Farms. scoffs Whatever. I’m over it. It’s just grossly irresponsible.

Charge!

Well, this could be fun. I-

Yeah, well, the bus has free wifi and I made special low-sugar lunches for everyone. And is anyone kosher or halal?

What’s the halal option?

Dates, tabbouleh, and a bagel with cream cheese.

Out.

You know, it’s the same as the kosher option. There’s a lesson in there. I mean, I can’t force you to go. You’re not my slaves. Thanks to Gettysburg. But… who’s coming with me?

I’m in.

I’m in too.

Guess I’m a sucker for historical fiction.

Anyone who’s not going, you’re dead to me. You’re uninvited. I don’t want you to come. But, FYI, there will be leftover turkey and pesto sammies in the fridge.

Yes!

passes out hats One for you.

Cool. Thanks.

And one for you.

Cool. Thanks. puts his hat on Erin’s head

And- oh. You missed your head. laughs and puts hat on Jim’s head There you go. Phyllis, think fast!

All right, guys, a little foreplay before we do it. Fans of Ken Burns’ Jazz will most certainly enjoy Civil War.

You know, I just got Limitless on my iPad. I bet I could get it on the TV.

Ooh. Isn’t that the one where the guy becomes limitless?

It’s just not appropri- I mean, if we were going to visit Bradley Cooper’s birthplace, I’d be the first one suggesting it. I’d be rooting for it.

Limitless! Limitless! Limitless! Limitless!

All right, all right, all right.

Not food and stuff.

Here. Like it?

Oh, if you buy the picnic table then you’ve got to get the fire pit.

I can’t get a fire pit. I have two babies.

The fire pit is a no-brainer.

Oh, hi there.

Plants and- hi, Robert! Hey, um, how are you doing? Good to see you again.

Where is everyone? Where is Andy?

Andy took some of the other people on a corporate retreat to Gettysburg.

Well, I was hoping to talk out some ideas with Andy. But what we have here… is perhaps better. By not going on the trip, you’ve shown you’re the free-thinkers of the office.

Robert, you got your sheep and you got your black sheep, and I’m not even a sheep. I’m on the freaking moon.

So, here what we can do. Game changers- changes to the game such that the game can never be played the same way again. Everyone, brainstorm some innovations. Don’t be afraid to get weird with it. Meredith! wakes her up Excited!

tries stapler/marker combo Okay.

You guys…

J-j-j-ju…

Get excited!

Shh! Movie’s almost over.

All right! We’re here. Limitless can wait.

Fun fact. In France, they call Limitless ‘The Man with Many Capabilities.’

Woo-hoo! Ladies and gentlemen the eighteen hundreds await you. We can watch Limitless on the way back.

I got Source Code on the way back.

Ooh! All right!

Woo!

Whoa, where you going?

Visitor center. Gonna grab a map for the memorials, right?

Yeah, we’re not going to the visitor center. We’re not tourists.

No, of course we’re not tourists. We’re just people that aren’t from here who are taking a tour.

Yeah, sign says “Begin tour here.”

Unless you’re going on the very specially-created and meticulously-researched Andy Bernard tour.

After Chancellorsville, Lee brought his army up the Shenandoah Valley, right through here! They stopped in this field for a picnic, which they called lunch.

to Dwight Yeah, but I’m confused…

Total deaths belongs to Gettysburg but when you’re talking about D.P.A., that’s deaths per acre…

Mm-hmm.

…nothing beats the battle of Schrute Farms.

Oh. D.P.A. sounds way more important that total deaths.

Oh, it is. And you should read some of these letters that the soldiers wrote home. I mean, it makes the battle of Gettysburg sound like a bunch of schoolgirls wrestling over a hairbrush. laughs I’m telling you, they’re heartbreaking too. So beautifully written.

Dwight, what are you telling this girl?

The truth.

Stop filling her head with nonsense, okay? She doesn’t know any better.

Oscar, I am so glad you just got here. I would’ve believed everything he said.

No, no, no! You’re filling her head with nonsense. You and the history books. I’m telling the truth.

Interesting.

Yes, thank you. All of history has been whitewashed.

Really? Why don’t you tell us the real history, Gore Vidal?

Okay, I will. I don’t know who that is, but I’m gonna tell you this-

he’s a historian.

Gettysburg was very important. Credit where credit is due, okay? Big, mad props to Gettysburg. Was it, however, the most northern battle of the civil war?

Yes, yes, yes!

Not by a long shot!

No!

Yes!

No, it was not!

Argh!

No, it was not. Was it the second-most northern?

What?

Sure! I will cede it was the second-most northernmost battle!

Erin-

Was it the northernmost? No. Get out of here, Oscar.

Get out of here!

I am so eager to hear your game-changers. Let’s dig in, shall we?

May I go first?

Absolutely.

Raw fish- the disgusting food from Japan that Americans would never want to eat. Now, we can’t get enough of it. From movie stars to construction workers, sushi is what’s for dinner. Let me throw another idea at you. Origami. What? The crazy art of paper folding from, that’s right, Japan. Don’t you wish you could go back to 1980 and open the first sushi restaurant in Manhattan? We can do that! With… origami. It’s the sushi of paper.

This idea hasn’t gripped me. What else did you come up with?

Well I had to memorize the presentation, Robert, and it took a long time to build the swan, so-

That was bad.

If your woman is like mine, I bet you come home to hear the same thing all the time. This paper is so hard. It scratches. Why can’t there be a paper just for me? Well now there is. ‘Papyr.’ Paper for women. It’s pink, scented and silky soft. Now, you can watch the game and she can write a letter to her sister.

The situation you described, returning home to a wife complaining about her paper being too masculine, is not one I’m familiar with.

In the African-American community-

No.

murmurs Thought it was worth a try.

That’s fascinating. Tell me, what’s the significance of the peach orchard, thought?

Excuse me, I got a question for you.

Can you tell us about the battle of Schrute Farms?

Really. Okay, follow-up question. How much are they paying you to keep your mouth shut?

I apologize for my friend and for the Republicans who are cutting your funding.

We don’t need to bother this poor gentleman. I know exactly where we’re going. Giddy up! Tallyho!

No, no, I’m-

Apparently, I bear a passing resemblance to Abraham Lincoln. Makes it kind of hard for me to go to places like museums, historical monuments, elementary schools… I don’t see it. Chelsea’s Mom: Chelsea, give Mr. Lincoln your hat so I can take a picture.

Okay, Quick.

Oh, uh, no. No, no, no, no. I’m, uh, I’m actually with a tour group myself, so- laughter Hello! I’m Abraham Lincoln! Some people call me the great emancipator, but, uh, you might know me from the penny. laughter

Okay. You know the test booklets that they give out in all the schools. I was thinking that we could put a coupon in the back that people would mail in to us… and as, you know, as I tell it, I don’t like it. Unless, of course, you are responding to it.

I am not.

Um, excuse me. I’m gonna go to the bathroom.

At this point, when you’re this pregnant, it’s kind of like senior spring. The other day I spit my gum out on the carpet.

Kevin, you’ve been quiet. I’m curious to know what your game-changer is.

Well, you know how in the vending machine they have the chocolate chip cookies in the A-1 spot? They do that ’cause they think A-1’s the best spot for the best cookie. But the real best spot is D-4. Right? That’s where the eyes go. So…

Cookies. Cookie placement.

Yeah. But not just the cookies, though. That was just a ‘for instance.’

Who else agrees with Kevin, that we’re wasting facilities, manpower, on our underselling products when we should be pushing our top-performers? everyone raises their hand, Robert laughs There you go. Consensus.

Okay, we are now on a planet where Kevin is the most creative person around, and I am just some good-looking guy.

as Lincoln I just don’t understand. It’s 1865, victory is ours, I’ve saved the very soul of our nation, and yet… happiness eludes me. Oh, perhaps a trip to the theater will enliven my spirits.

‘Kay, so another thing about oatmeal cookies. Who even wants them? I mean, I’ve seen Toby eat one, like, once, but other than that… scoffs like, forget it.

Interesting. So what is Dunder Mifflin’s oatmeal cookie? What is the product that no one wants?

how about that two-hole-punch letter? Only the lawyers want that punch at the top and they use legal.

That’s the oatmeal cookie. Fantastic, Kevin. Fantastic. laughs

Thank you.

By the way, did we leave all the food on the bus?

Let’s talk about food for a second. Food for thought.

Yeah, that’s what I had for breakfast and I think that’s probably why I’m still hungry.

Hunger! Hunger for victory! Hunger for honor. Hunger for pride.

Hunger for hamburger.

Hunger for chicken chimichangas. Right, Darryl?

That’s good.

Exactly. Now do you know the Civil War soldiers were hungry for? Pride! Now, each battalion had its own flag and they guarded these flags with their lives. Colonel Harrison Jeffords of the Fourth Michigan Infantry saw his flag being carried away, chased it down with nothing but a sword. Fought tooth and nail at the foot of that flag until he died. He wasn’t about to let them have that flag. Pride. Right, guys? holds up flag I commissioned this flag for Dunder Mifflin. Cost me two hundred dollars.

Only two hundred dollars?

We are all branches on this tree. And from the tree comes paper. We’re all part of a business. But business is war. What’s that I hear? Uh, a rebel paper company is coming to take our flag! Wha- what’s going on here? Wee-hoo! Come and get it! Who’s gonna get the flag? Who’s getting it? Whoa! Hey! Ho! Don’t look where I am, look where I’m going. Juke right, juke left.

Andy, this is inappropriate. People died here, man.

Get the flag! Get the flag! Come on, Big Tuna. What you gonna do about it? We got a flag right here. Wee-hoo!

Spangler Springs is a mile this way.

Oh wow. So that’s two miles if you incorporate the walk back.

Its… I mean come on.

I don’t think I should walk anymore. You know all I had for breakfast was oatmeal, yogurt, coffee, orange juice and toast. Two poached eggs. And then half a sandwich on the bus.

Alright fine. You know what – I guess this place just hasn’t rubbed off on you the way I hoped it would. I’m still going. And I’m not going to ask anymore. I’m not even going to look back. I’m just going to assume that you’re with me.

Andy looks back to find everyone sitting You said you weren’t going to look back.

And why is Black Rock suddenly the paragon by which all hedge funds must now be compared?

I don’t know.

Right. I mean you’re an accountant. Those bogus prospectuses must drive you insane.

Yes. I am an accountant.

Dwight – this is one of the archivists here. I thought maybe we could consult him.

Really?

Yeah.

Well. Anyone employed by the Gettysburg Industrial Complex is certainly going to want to keep quiet about the Battle of Schrute Farms.

You’ve heard about it?

YES! Ha! Prepare to be refuted! Go on.

Hallowed ground.

Wow. This is so much better than the story you made up.

I’ve seen enough.

You’re right. There should be a monument to this.

Never trust a cookie with a woman’s name. Pecan Sandy. Lorna Doone. Madeline. They’ll just break your heart.

laughing Kevin!

Robert I hate to interrupt. But I would love to pitch you one last idea. I call it the Big Mac idea.

What?!? No!

Big Mac idea. That sounds encouraging.

It’s really, really good Robert. Let me explain.

No! This is not fair! This is my idea. He’s trying to steal it because he’s jealous of me.

Well what is the idea?

Every time you buy a Big Mac you set one ingredient aside. Then at the end of the week you have a free Big Mac. And you love it even more because you made it with your own hands.

You know what? Now I remember. That was your idea. patting Kevin on the back That is 100 percent your idea.

Oh my. It was just actually cookies the whole time?

making pencil imprint Dammit.

Hey.

You guys came. Where’s everyone else?

Back at the bus. We were locked out. Phyllis is sitting on the ground eating a dirty sandwich.

Yeah I asked the bus driver to lock it because our stuff was in there. I guess he follows orders.

Yeah sorry everyone else didn’t come. I think they’re just tired. With holes in their shoes. And they have dysentery.

Even without an audience you’re still at it.

What are you talking about?

Our office has a disease. And it goes by many names. Sarcasm. Snark. Wisecracks. You take things people care about and you make them feel lame about it with your jokes. That’s what you did with this trip.

Andy – this whole idea of our situation being just like war? It’s just not true. We just work at a paper company. And you’re our regional manager. And guess what man? You don’t have to prove anything. We like you as regional manager. Andy if you don’t believe me take a look at what’s on my head. I’m wearing a very pink hat. I’ve been getting weird looks all day because I’m pretty sure "DM does GB" means something kinda sexual. But guess who’s wearing them? All of us. Just for you man. That’s huge.

You don’t like the hats?

They’re terrible.

I hate myself.

They just didn’t turn out how I wanted. In my head they were cooler, but they do look weird.

voiceover the three walking The world will little note, nor long remember the fight Jim and I had here at Gettysburg and that’s good because I was basically wrong. I wanted my team to be, like, this army and I was their general. But I guess it’s really more like they’re just people who work in an office and I’m their manager. Yeah that’s really probably a better analogy now that I think about it.

Abe and Mary are seated watching the show. in Lincoln voice Oh Mary this is wonderful… Ok Mary stop your scolding. I’ll be quiet. aside to the audience I need her like I need a hole in the head! scattered chuckles from the crowd Gabe raises his hand with a finger pointed in the shape of a gun to his head BANG! Ooh Gabe falls to the ground and the crowd claps, Gabe picks up the Lincoln hat, bows, runs to the crowd and trades it back for his pink "DM does GB" hat and runs off