Sex Ed - The Office (Season 7, Episode 4)

Michael arrives to the office with a fake mustache to hide what he thinks is a pimple over his mouth. Michael soon learns that it is a cold sore, which is a form of herpes. With some prodding from Dwight, Michael decides to tell his former lovers he has herpes, despite not yet having gone to a doctor. He calls Donna first, abruptly telling her to get tested. Michael then calls Holly, joking around with her before they have a more serious discussion. Much to Michael's dismay, she claims that he over-romanticized their relationship, and he hangs up without telling her about the herpes. Michael and Dwight drive out to tell Carol, Jan, and Pam's mother, Helene Beesly.

Michael and Dwight meet with Jan, who is now a fairly successful office manager for a hospital and single mother. After Jan gives Michael a brutal description of why their relationship failed and he watches her play with her daughter Astrid, Michael reveals that he has herpes. He meets with Helene, Pam's mother, who is playing with Cece at a playground; after an awkward conversation in which she also points out his skewed memory, he insults her and walks off.

He meets with Carol while she is conducting an open house. Carol attempts to be polite, but then abruptly points out his faults too. Finally, Michael calls Holly one last time, only to get her voicemail. He leaves her a heartfelt message that what she said hurt him and that when he saw all his other exes, he had not been happy to see any of them, but when he talked to her, he was happy. He says that he does not understand why she wants to downplay what they had, but he remembers their relationship perfectly and considers it special. Before hanging up, he awkwardly adds that she should be tested for herpes.

Andy uses the situation to host a sex education class, with the ulterior motive to learn if his former girlfriend Erin has been having sex with her current boyfriend Gabe. During the lesson, he disturbs the office with pictures of genitalia, cannot come up with any negatives to sex besides STD's, and attempts to use a pencil for a condom demonstration. Distraught after realizing that they are having sex and after everyone mocks him, Andy throws a tantrum, hurling a box of pizza at the wall and storming out of the conference room.

Gabe takes Andy to his cubicle and admonishes him for his behavior, revealing he is aware why Andy hosted the sex ed class. He explains to Andy that the only reason he asked Erin out was because Andy gave his blessing, which Andy reveals was just a result of his difficulty saying no to how politely Gabe asked him. Gabe tells Andy that he is going to let this whole situation slide this time and advises Andy to put Erin behind him. Andy is cheered up when he receives a pep talk from Darryl, despite Darryl having no idea what his problem is.

Best Funny Quotes From The Office - Sex Ed

driving past a line of Mexican men looking for work Hola, hola. Necesito une bueno worker. Tu esporte! Come on! man walks away Que? QUE?

I pick up day laborers and tell them they’ll get paid at six p.m. At five forty five, a certain INS agent by the name of Mose Schrute throws them in the back of a van, drops them off in the middle of Harrisburg and tells them it’s Canada.

Hola amigo.

Hola, tu es une buena worker?

Si, yo muy bueno worker.

Y el accento, donde are you from?

Scranton, y before that La Philadelphia.

You speak English?

Yes, I’m really good at English.

Ok, good. Me too, get in the car.

quietly Okay.

nods to camera

seeing the worker Dwight picked up in the parking lot Who’s this guy by our cars?

That is my new maintenance worker, Nate. And you’ll be happy to know that he’s taking care of that hornet’s nest that you’ve been griping about.

Yeah, I got stung up my dress.

Poor hornet.

looking outside through the window I left him all the tools he needs. This is do or die. If he chooses correctly he’ll conquer the hornets…

But if he doesn’t?

He’ll die.

What?

Uhh, beg your pardon?

When did the phrase do or die become so corrupted?

picks up blowtorch

Is that a blow torch?!

No. No no no! nos coming from all employees

Interesting choice…

Nate starts walking away from hornet’s nest, puts down the blowtorch Yes!

Very very smart.

Yeah, go away. Kelly nodding

picks up baseball bat, heads towards hornet’s nest

A bat! Impressive…

Oh it’s stinging him! Ow! Ow! yelling all around the office

walks into the office with a large, fake mustache on Good morning Erin, any mustaches? I mean messages?

giggles Terrific!

There are many reasons a man would wear a fake mustache to work. spinning in chair He is a fan of the outrageous. He loves to surprise! He loves… other things as well.

seeing a large red spot on Michael’s lip God! Wow!

shying away Look, sighs It’s a pimple Phyllis. Avrile Lavigne gets them all the time and she rocks harder than anyone alive.

That’s no pimple Michael.

You mean cancer?

What? No! Wait, no. Definitely not cancer.

It’s just good to stop a Michael train of thought early before it derails and destroys the entire town.

Wait, wait, wait, wait, wait. It’s just a cold sore.

It is?

Yup, just a cold sore.

Just a cold sore, thank you. Phyllis, I don’t have acne. I have a cold sore. I don’t even have a cold. I don’t know how I got it.

I know how you got it. smug expression on his face

How?

Michael come on. A cold sore is herpes.

What?

Wait! What you should do, Michael, is have a doctor take a look at it. Because we really don’t know what that is.

I know tons and tons of people who have herpes. I have it myself. That’s what it is.

I never seen herpes on you.

Because it’s on my genitals, genius.

You have a penis?

Michael, have you ever been tested for STDs?

Yeah! My last physical when I was forty.

That was like, ten years ago.

No! It was like four years ago!

Michael, you’re at least forty six!

Why at least? If you’re guessing forty six just say forty six. later in his office, places a band-aid over his cold sore

Can we please talk about how gross Meredith is?

This is what you get when you treat your body like an outhouse.

You know what guys, why don’t we just chill out on this herp-chat. Ok? I was an REA in college and I can tell you, number one sexually transmitted disease is ignorance.

I guess maybe you should go marry a meth dealer with crabs.

I don’t even wanna know these things!

walking in Hey guys! Angela leaves the table, exhales as she exits the room

How did this happen, how did I get this?

Some eggs can rely dormant in a woman for years, they may not even know they have it.

You know what, I feel like one of those old timey sailors. With the eye patch. in pirate voice It’s me own damn fault. Woman in every port.

What port? The Jan port. The Holly Por…

Don’t even! Holly was clean! Okay? If anything I gave it to her.

You may have…

Oh my God! What if I did?

You need to contact Holly! You need to notify her, that she is crawling with herpes.

Okay! You know what? Might! Might be crawling with herpes. I might have gotten it after her.

You need to contact every woman you’ve been with, and notify them of your herpes infestation. It’s the right thing to do.

There’s no way I’m gonna do that.

Then I will.

makes grunt in attempt to stop Dwight. Dwight hangs up

No, I’m no doctor, but it seems to me that we all have an obligation to the public health to track down anyone who gives us a disease, inform them of it, and take overwhelming revenge on that person. Again, I’m no doctor. I’m just a normal guy who enjoys revenge.

on phone Hello?

Hi Donna. It’s Michael.

Michael, I didn’t think I’d here from you. How have you been?

I have a disease, for which there is no known cure, that has been sexually transmitted to me.

Oh no.

I can’t even say it. H-I…

Oh my God.

…R-P-E-E-S

Wait, you’re calling to tell me that you have herpes?

No, I am calling to see if you gave me herpes. Because if you did I would be able to avoid a lot of sucky conversations. So you have it right?

Ummm, no.

Does your stupid husband have it?

No! He doesn’t. Are you telling me I have to get tested?

Yes I am telling you you have to get tested for herpes. Good-bye!

So long Donna! Michael hangs up

Excuse me everyone, can I have your attention please?

Not again…

What do you mean again?

You’re always asking for our attention.

Maybe like a year ago…

Seems recent.

No, that’s…

Andy, the reason it seems more recent is because many of us here have never stood up and asked for everyone’s attention, and it seems like you’ve done it on several occasions.

Everyone, I’ve noticed that we have not been entirely kind to one of our own, due to stigmas and prejudices.

Oh! When you got your new phone, that’s when you asked for everyone’s attention.

agreement around the office That’s what I was thinking, you kept announcing scores.

It’s the world’s only international sport! sits down

on phone This is Holly.

No this is Holly.

No this is Holly.

No this is Holly.

No, this is Michael Scott.

Busted. So what can I do for you Holly.

I am calling because, there’s a terrible crash!

Oh really? Was anyone killed?

A lot of people.

Any nuns?

Three nuns, Michael laughs from a Missionary in South Africa.

Dwight looks confused to the camera Were they in the missionary position? Holly laughs

singing Ba na na na na. Hot pizza, check it and see. Ba na na na. Got a whole bunch of pepperoni. Ba na na na na. stops singing Yeah, now you’re looking at me. Anyone who’s interested in entering into an honest discussion about the sexual mores and taboos of modern society will be rewarded with a pizza break.

still on phone with Holly Do you ever wonder what life would have been like if you hadn’t been transferred?

Yeah.

We would have twins. Dwight points towards the corner of his lip, indicating Michael’s “herpes”

I don’t think we’d have kids.

Mmhmm!

It was just for a few weeks!

Mhhmm! We would be married.

sternly Michael, I have been dating A.J. for a year and a half now. You do this you know.

Do what?

You romanticize things.

I don’t romanticize th- Dwight nodding and mouthing ‘Yes you do’ No…

Michael, you cried at that tagline for a movie you made up.

He had no arms or legs, he couldn’t hear see, or speak… This is how he let a nation.

You made ourselves to be more than we were.

We were more than we were.

I don’t know what you’re getting so upset about, we had to break up a long time ago, it was a good memory.

Ok, alright I gotta go.

Michael… Michael hangs up

to the camera He forgot to mention the herpes.

It didn’t come up organically.

to a client …to accommodate the, uh, suppliers. Seeing Michael and Dwight Gentlemen! Nice to see you, it’ll be just a moment. If you could show them into Conference Room B. to client again The pharmaceutical aspects should be able to…

How do I do it? Raise my daughter, work as director of office purchasing for this hospital and release an album of Dorris Day covers on my own label? If I knew I’d tell you.

It’s nice to see you doing so well.

Yeah I’m really happy. Me and Astrid against the world. laughs We’re loving it, yeah. I’m kind of a supermom.

Bringing home the bacon.

Yeah. singing Fry it up in a pan. Never never never let you forget… laughs I love that commercial.

I don’t understand the reference.

Well, Michael, it was nice to get your call.

We had to come over right away, it’s urgent. Michael has something to tell you. Michael shushes him

Are you gonna keep me in suspense? Michael sighs

after long wait, to Dwight Would you excuse us…

Ok I’m gonna head outta here, I know you have a lot to talk about. Ok, is there a, an operating theater that’s open to visitors? Never mind I’ll find it.

He hasn’t changed.

No, so what couldn’t wait?

Am I the kind of person to misremember our relationship as more than it ever was?

Michael Scott, you are here for a post mortem.

What?

You wanna dig into our relationship, go over it, see what killed it. Ok, I’m in.

So, guys. I’ve been really bothered by the way certain people are getting treated around here, and I just think as an office we’re better than that. Ok, now I’m going to show you a picture of genitalia. grossed our remarks from around the office as Andy holds p a picture of a nude man

Andy…

What, is it because he’s black?

Nope, it’s because it’s genitalia.

Perfectly normal genitalia Tuna. Now I’m going to show you another picture of perfectly normal genitalia. Kevin is grossed out immediately. The office is grossed out

Am I blocking anybody? Can everybody see?

It’s normal! Big deal! Yeah sure it has some herpes on it, but you know what? It’s just as normal as anyone else’s.

No! In the beginning we were not good.

Well, there was a little bit of a learning curve in the conversation department, but between the sheets we were like Jordan and Pippin!

Well if there’s anything exciting about it it’s because we both knew it was wrong!

Because we work together.

No, ok. Imagine there’s a princess, who falls for a guy beneath her station, and the queen doesn’t like this at all. And the princess knows that the queen doesn’t like it so it just makes her wanna do it all the more just to get at the queen!

Am I the princess?

No I’m the princess, and the queen.

sighs Ok, so I’m the guy at the station.

Assy! Awwhhh how was school?

singing What did you learn?

You might have learned shapes, or blocks, or clocks, or colors. Or you might have learned that we’re all, sisters and brothers.

I have herpes.

I used to think that she was the one. Or at least A the one. And if I called that one so wrong…

Herpes, like all STDS, is a consequence of sex. Can anyone else name any other consequences?

It feels unbelievable!

writing on board Ok I guess I can make a pros column. Feels…

…unbelievable.

The ability to express love physically. It’s a magical thing.

Express love, magical.

It feels amazing!

Umm, ok is that different from feels unbelievable?

Yes.

Then I will write it down.

The feeling of pure risk.

I actually had that down in the cons column, but…

It’s thrilling.

Ok, umm. I’ll move that. Thrill of risk.

Andy, aren’t there also negatives to sex?

Yes! Thank you! Such as?

Unplanned pregnancy.

Yes, unplanned pregnancy.

Like Jim and Pam, say whaaat?

Just admit that your baby was a mistake.

Hey! Our baby was not a mistake. She was a surprise.

Good!

I’m sure they don’t regret having their child, let’s move it to the pros.

Thank you!

Ok, unplanned pregnancy, going in the pros column.

Next stop is Helene. You’re gonna wanna make a left on Willow, which is a little ways away, uh. I’ll remind you.

You know, I don’t know if I trust Jan’s judgment. She…

Jan knows paper.

No, I’m not talking about paper. Relationships, they have the ability to point out if the man is making a bigger deal out of something that is really there.

Wait, what Holly said?

Yes, I don’t…

Forget it Michael! Today is about herpes.

I know, I know.

Who gave it to you, who has it, and who is going to pay.

Got it.

TO answer your question about Jan, no. Jan is insane. Why do you think I got- LEFT, WILLOW NOW!

I’M TRYING! GOD!

walks into park with Dwight Hi stranger! Long time!

I’m Michael. We dated for a while.

Michael?

Oh hey! Dwight, would you take my grandmother for a walk while I talk to Helene?

Come on old lady. Let’s go.

Come on.

Who can tell me what the safest form of sex is?

Condoms.

Incorrect, the only true form of safe sex, ok? Abstinence.

Ohh. Ok. I didn’t realize we were doing trick questions. What’s the safest way to go skiing? Don’t ski! office laughs

I just thought I’d bring it up in case someone in here was practicing abstinence. That’s all. Anybody?

Andy that’s way too personal of a question.

Well someone could answer if they want to. looks at Erin hopefully Ok, in that case I will now show you how to put this condom on… using this pencil. Stanley laughs

What?

Why would you choose a pencil Andy?

Well I’m not gonna use my penis, Oscar! It’s not exactly hard right now anyway.

Come on, give it a rest pencil dick.

I’m doing this for you Meredith!

I didn’t want you it!

Well did you h- di- GAH! Does no one appreciate what I’m doing right now?! throws pizza box at painting and leaves

It’ll go away in time just don’t touch it.

Did I make more of what we had then what was really there?

What did you think we were?

Just a quirky indie movie weird sort of thing, breaking all the rules. But had to end, because the summer was over. For you…

I think for you to have come here even expecting that we can have a conversation like this show’s ho-how self deluded you are! Michael, your memory has failed you greatly.

Jerk. walks off

Michael! attempting to get out of the car on the side in which Michael parked too close to a bush. Michael ignores him and walks into a building.

So this is the chef’s kitchen, which makes it perfect for real entertainers.

Real entertainers, like Billy Joel.

Michael.

Carol, how are you?

I’m great! How are you?

I’m great! I saw your-your sign outside. And I decided, I’m going to pull in, and maybe buy a house from her.

You didn’t call my office and ask where I was?

No.

Because the receptionist told me a man called but he only said he was my ex-lover.

Weird…

Yeah.

He sounds like a nice guy.

I don’t know, I mean people were being really mean to Meredith.

This wasn’t really about Meredith was it. You and Erin are broken up.

How is that relevant to anything?

I asked you if it was ok if I asked her out. You said, and I quote, ‘My good sir! Nothing would make me happier than to hand you the hand of the hand once in my hand.’ I specifically remember it because you said it in such a weird way.

The only reason I said that is because you asked me so politely! It was very difficult for me to say no.

I’ll let this slide, but I expect you to put this whole Erin thing behind you.

Oh wow another living room!

It’s a family room.

You put the TV here, you put the family over here.

Michael why are you here?

Someone told me that I romanticize relationships

You know, we all do that.

I have herpes.

What? Did you have that while we were together?

I just found out today. It’s, uh, right there.

Oh! Oh, that’s what you’re talking about?

Mmhmm, I’m sorry.

Did the doctor check it out?

I’m between specialists right now.

Yes, yes Michael. Actually you do make a bigger deal out of things than you need to. You proposed to me on our fourth date.

Well I believe in love at first sight.

Well so do I, but we didn’t love each other at first either. I don’t know what you were thinking!

I knew what I was thinking at the time, but right now it just seems ridiculous.

walking downstairs Excuse me, someone died in the upstairs bathroom didn’t they?

No.

Andy walks in Darryl’s office We should schedule meetings, because the days can slip away with chit-chat. Are you crying?

No I’m just sweating.

I don’t know who’s got you upset but my advice is stop crying.

I’m not crying I’m just sweating.

Look you need to pick yourself up. Man up, alright? You will win this in the end. It’s all about heart, and character. Be your best self.

Ok.

Yeah.

I have no idea what his problem is, that’s just my standard advice. It’s good advice right?

on answering machine This is Holly Flax, I can’t come to the phone right now but please leave a message after the sound of the tiny truck backing up. BEEP

Hi Holly it’s Michael, I just wanted to call and let you know that I was thinking about what you said. It’s just. You know? It’s weird. Today I ended up seeing a lot of women that I used to date, and in my mind they were all great. And then when I actually saw them, it was mostly a freak show. And you and me, that must have been a real train wreck. You know what, Holly? You’re wrong. You are wrong. I remember every second of us. And talking to them today, I don’t feel for them anything like what I feel for you. I didn’t joke with any of them, I joked with you. You are the only one who was actually happy to hear from me. And I don’t know why you downgraded what we had but I did not make us up. Ok. Oh, wait, and you should talk to a doctor because you might have herpes. Bye.

What is this about?

Oscar, we once sucked face in public. As part of an office presentation to destroy the stigma of gay kissing. Do you recall?

Yes!

You may have given me a sexually transmitted disease.

What?

Herpes duplex.

It was probably just an ingrown mustache hair but we have to be exhaustive.

I have already contacted all of my ex-lovers except for you.

We were never lovers!

I’m gonna need a list of every man you’ve ever had sex with. I’m talking train stations, men’s rooms…

Flower shops, fireworks celebrations…

Fence with a hole in it..

Moolit Gandala, carrage drive through Central Park…

The woods behind the liquor store, the swamp behind the old folk’s home.

An electric car dealership. Oscar gets up and starts leaving

The democratic primaries,

Oscar! Think abou- Think! door slams