Andy's Play - The Office (Season 7, Episode 3)

Andy is going to perform as Anthony Hope in a local production of Sweeney Todd, and he wants his co-workers to come. He makes a special effort to invite Erin, whom he hopes to win back with a good performance, by buying tickets for her and Gabe. Michael is especially hard to convince, since he is still upset that he was not chosen to be in the musical after his own audition. Andy informs him that no one auditioning got the part of Sweeney Todd, which was instead given to a veteran "world class" actor, and Michael agrees to go. Jim and Pam say they want to go, but have been unable to find a babysitter for their daughter Cece. Erin agrees to come, but she later decides to babysit Cece so Pam and Jim can attend instead.

On the night of the show, Darryl reads from the program that contrary to Andy's assumption, the actor playing Sweeney Todd has no acting or singing experience, and was discovered by the director while singing karaoke, annoying Michael. During the intermission, the director compliments Michael on the "energy" of his audition and encourages him to audition again, suggesting that he felt that Sweeney Todd simply was not the right production for Michael's acting style. Put out by this, Michael steals a bottle of wine from the concessions table, which he and his co-workers drink during the show.

Andy, upset that Erin is not in the audience, repeatedly checks for messages from her on his cell phone. While he is on stage, his phone rings in his pocket, disrupting the musical and forcing the performers to improvise. To make matters worse, Michael drops his bottle of wine, causing a commotion as it rolls down through the rows of seats. He then loses grip of balloons he brought to his seat, which pop as they hit the top of the hall. This startles a baby, and the sound of her cries alerts Jim and Pam to the fact that Erin came to the play with Cece, exciting Andy, but angering Jim and Pam. At the end of the show, everyone cheers except for Michael, who angrily boos the actor playing Sweeney Todd. Later, in a kind of retaliation, Darryl starts to boo Michael in the middle of a conversation whenever he speaks.

Angela, having found a loophole in her parenting contract with Dwight which permits him to develop romantic feelings for her, attempts to attract him. She uses another technicality in the contract to force him to take her to Andy's play as a date, and wears uncharacteristically revealing clothing. But when Dwight becomes lustful, Angela rebuffs him and insists that they count the date as one of their five required instances of sexual intercourse before leaving. Meanwhile, Andy and Erin chat backstage, and Erin states how happy she is that they are spending time together outside of the Office again. However they are interrupted by Gabe calling Erin, and she leaves to meet him. As Andy sulks backstage, his co-workers arrive and cheer him up by encouraging him to sing a rendition of Macy Gray's "I Try" while Darryl accompanies him on piano.

Best Funny Quotes From The Office - Andy's Play

Andy? Andy starts boombox and begins singing ‘The Ballad of Sweeney Todd’

Yes! as other costumed actors come in and join Andy in song

Did you write this?

No.

Who did?

Steven Sondheim.

Who is he? rest of Sweeney Todd cast enters and continues singing

What the hell is happening?

We’re the cast of Sweeney Todd: The Demon Barber of Fleet Street. We open in a couple weeks at the Loose Screw Playhouse here in Scranton and today just doing a wee bit of viral marketing.

cheers loudly after cast finishes singing song That was amazing! That was awesome! I auditioned for this. When did the cast list go up?

Like a month ago.

Really? They didn’t call me. Who am I playing? …Andy?

Two comps. For my lady and her Gabe. It’s closing night. Tomorrow we have to give the theater over to the Scranton’s Miss Fitness pageant.

I am so excited. But I just need one. Gabe can’t come. Sorry.

What? That’s awful. Everyone’s gonna miss that guy.

Gabe is not coming, which is huge because my plan is to make Erin fall back in love with me tonight. Women cannot resist a man singing show tunes. It’s so powerful, even a lot of men can’t resist a man singing show tunes.

Oh, who else is going?

Everyone.

Gabe seemed to think no one was going.

What kind of terrible rumor monger is Gabe? He is woefully misinformed, all right? Excuse me, clink, clink, clink, clink, everybody. You’re all coming to my show tonight, right?

Andy, what time’s the show?

8pm sharp.

How long is it?

Hour forty-five.

Nope, can’t make it.

They say that no one can take your pride, but the people who cast Andy’s play, they took mine.

Jim, Pam, you guys are in, right?

Oh, we wanted to, but our sitter just fell through. I’m really sorry.

Dwight?

Uh, no, thank you. Last time I went to the theater, a man dressed as a cat sat on my lap.

It would mean so much to me if you came to my show tonight.

I can’t Andy, it’s too hard. That’s-I put everything I had into that audition. Do you understand that?

If it makes you feel any better, no one who auditioned for the part of Sweeney Todd got that part. They had to bring in a ringer.

Wow.

This guy’s like world-class. You should not feel bad. I’m asking you thespian to thespian. Will you please be the bigger man and come to my show?

I wish I could, Andy, but I can’t. I have plans that night. I’m going to see a friend in a play called Sweeney Todd. You’re that friend. I’m going to see your play.

Noishe!

And scene.

Listen, I would like you to take me to Andy’s play tonight.

Please, waste of time. You know what? Let’s just knock this out right now. Disrobe.

Angela? Don’t like her anymore. Not attracted to her anymore. Just contractually obligated to make a baby with her.

Give me the punch card.

No. If you want to punch the punch card, you have to take me to the show.

That is not in the contract.

Well, there’s a lot of gray area in that clause. Do you want to re-mediate?

Alright, fine. I’ll go to your little show, but I’m not wearing a cape.

Thank you.

Dwight and I have a contractual agreement to procreate five times, plain and simple. And should he develop feelings for me, well, that would be permissible under item 7C, clause 2, so I would not object. faint smile

Hey, how are those salads?

It’s my own fault-

My parents used to scramble to find babysitters so they could take my younger brother to do stuff. I understand how hard it can be. I just-tonight, if you could…

We’ll keep looking.

Yes!

Really?

I mean, who knows? Maybe I have a niece my family never told me about.

Oh my gosh, that would be amazing.

Yeah.

For a lot of reasons.

Yeah, I know. Neiche!

Oh, hey guys.

You brought balloons to a play?

I did, because I am being the bigger man, and balloons are bigger than flowers.

It’s nice, like Up.

Yes.

Nope.

Guys?

You all made it, thank you so much.

You should actually thank Erin, she’s the one who agreed to babysit.

She’s babysitting?

I really wanted to see Andy’s play, because he’s so, so talented. But I’ve been trying to get in the babysitting game forever. The thirteen-year-olds in this town have a complete monopoly. It’s almost like a babysitters club.

I understand. This is, like, huge opportunity for her.

trying to stuff balloons below the seats This is ridiculous. You’d think they’d discourage people from bringing in balloons.

Hey, I think this guy playing Sweeney Todd is my plumber.

No, Darryl. This guy’s a world-class actor. He doesn’t daylight as your plumber.

No, it’s my plumber. Says so in his bio. Apparently the director discovered him doing karaoke. It’s his first play. He didn’t even audition.

Are you kidding me?

Shhh. If we don’t listen to the overture, we won’t recognize the musical themes when they come back later.

All right, I’m sorry. God.

Ooooh!

whispering to man sitting beside him I work with that guy.

after taking her gum out Ugh! There’s gum on the seat and now it’s on my work skirt. I have to go change.

Too bad I’m not gonna explain anything that you miss.

Oh, Dwight, just move.

whispering to man sitting beside him His name’s Andy. He’s a terrible salesman.

What time is it? Ryan pulls up a large analog clock on his iPad

Hello.

Okay.

Okay.

Yes.

Good.

You enjoy the second act.

Thank you. You, too. steals a bottle of wine from the bar

Come on, Dwight.

Why are you dressed like a seed catalogue model?

These are just my dirty old gardening clothes. They were all that I had in my car.

Let’s go.

Hey, Erin, it’s Pam. How ya doing? No, no, don’t put Cece on the phone, because she can’t talk yet. Okay. No, I was just calling to see how everything’s going. Yeah? Yeah? It’s good? The play? The play is kind of great. I mean, it’s fun to hear Andy sing in the appropriate setting. Now, he’s really sorry you couldn’t make it, too. Yeah. So thank you so much, again. We’re having a great time. Oh, they’re flashing the lights so we should go in. Thanks. Bye. Okay, so we called. And everything’s fine!

Everything’s fine.

We can relax.

We can relax. Let’s get our Sweeney on.

seeing Michael drink from wine bottle Michael! bottle gets passed around by Darryl, Meredith and Kevin

Just checking my e-mails. See if I got any last-minute “break a legs” or “I still love you” type texts. Doesn’t look like I got anything. Maybe on my Facebook wall.

on cell phone Unfortunately, in this ham-fisted production of Sweeney Todd, the real terror comes from the vocal performances. New paragraph.

Mr. Todd! Mr. Todd! I found her!

That monster of a judge has locked her-cell phone chiming. Locked her away. phone continues ringing

How is that funny?

Oh, it appears the bird was in mine own pocket this whole time. He’s gone to sleep now, I’ve closed his beak. Michael laughs

text message chime You know what? Let me just double check, that bird… Okay, good. It’s off. I mean, silenced. I silenced it by killing it. I’ve killed it! I’m a murderer! Just like you, Sweeney Todd. See, it all connects. Not that I know you’re a murderer. My character doesn’t know that yet. But I’m suspicious, because of all the razors that you have laying around. And you spend time alone. But you’re a barber, so that’s legit. So there’s that. But…

A madhouse.

Yes, a madhouse.

Do you think… bottle rolling so you think… bottle rolling, clanking

Sounds like Cece.

Okay, I think everybody just needs to relax.

sees Erin holding Cece Oh, my God! Go, go!

Oh, my God.

excited That’s really irresponsible of Erin. She’s a terrible babysitter.

I just didn’t think that you guys were gonna see us. We were just gonna stop by and get some ice cream and then go home.

Okay, this was pretty simple-

Why are you here?

overlapping with Pam Really, all you had to do was play with her for, like, 30 minutes and then put her to bed.

What possible explanation could you have for possibly being here? I don’t… you know, babies shouldn’t have ice cream, by the way.

I’m sorry. I just really wanted to see Andy. You guys made it sound so unmissable, and you set me up with a car seat and everything.

Well, the car seat was to take her to the hospital, or…

Oh, no, why would I take her to the hospital?

You know what? It doesn’t matter. It doesn’t matter.

Why don’t I just take her home and let you guys finish, and then you should stay out as late as you want.

No, we’re good. Thank you, though.

Okay. Alright, bye Cece.

Okay.

Alright, well, we’re never leaving the house again.

Not together!

during curtain call for Sweeney Todd Boo! Boo!

That was more horrifying than Nunsense.

All that singing got in the way of some perfectly good murders.

Where’s my car? Come on.

Mmm! Fruit is so much better when it’s dried. I’ve already eaten, like, 30 apricots.

Hey!

Silent. Look, congratulations.

I had no idea. This plumber has pipes!

Yeah, good job. Well done.

Hmm? No, there were a lot of people booing you. I wasn’t one of em.

Get your eyes checked, chucklehead.

Be cool, Michael. I saw this guy kill a bunch of people. Good work.

You didn’t have to boo him.

Well, he was getting a lot of applause, and I just didn’t think it was indicative of how people were really feeling.

How would you like it if we booed you?

That would never happen.

Boo! Boo!

Okay. I appreciate the feedback.

Boo! Boo!

I don’t like that at all.

Are you ready?

Yes. Oh, I’m so scared! Okay, kill me! Just kill me! Kill me!

pretends to slit her throat Ah! Blood everywhere.

Oh, no. I’m so glad we’re hanging out again outside of work.

Yeah, me, too.

Okay, I kill you now.

Okay.

All right, let’s do this.

No, actually, Dwight, I didn’t realize how far this walk was, and I-I’m exhausted.

It’s okay, I smell.

No, no, no, no. I think I just want to go home, but it’s okay. This can count as one of your times.

No, no, no. Contractually we’re obligated to have sex.

Well, I won’t tell if you don’t.

I will tell. I will tell the mediator. What-what are you… Angela reaches into his pocket Ok. Oh, was that in the way? Get rid of it. Angela pulls out hole-punch and punches the card

Good night, Dwight.

Good night.

These would have been your seats. Best seats in the house. Lots of people think it would be the front row, but actually, right here, this is where the speakers converge, and the sound just, like, nails you right here.

This is awesome. cell phone rings Sorry. Hi, Gabe. Yeah, I just stopped by Andy’s cast party to say hi to everyone. Oh, sure, I can pick you up some soup. What do you want? That’s broth, Gabe. Okay, I-I’ll see you soup. hangs up Okay, I have to go. Thank you so much. This is so much fun, and I’m really sorry that I missed your play, but next time I’ll be there. Or here. Right here, I promise.

Awesome.

Okay.

See you later.

Thank you.

attempting to move car seat It’s like The Hurt Locker!

This night was a disaster.

No, it was not a disaster. It was weird, but it wasn’t a disaster. I think we have, like, a gift bottle of Irish cream.

Yeah?

We could put that in orange juice.

Get it.

Yeah?

Let’s get our juice on.

Yeah!

Found him!

Hey, what’s going on here? Post-show blues?

Yeah, I guess you could say that.

Yeah, I get those every day after work.

Your show was really great, Andy.

Interesting subject matter. I’m surprised you pulled it off.

It was like amateur hour.

It was an amateur production, technically.

Oscar. Enough with the sass, please. God! What is wrong with you? Andy, listen to me. Look me in the eye. I thought that you were awesome.

Stop just saying that.

I am not just saying that. You can trust that I am telling you the truth. I booed someone tonight. I have no filter. And if I thought you were terrible, I would have booed. And if I thought you had done a better job, I would be saying nicer things right now. But I thought that you were exactly awesome. No better, no worse.

Thank you. That feels good.

I did not say that to make you feel good. I just said it. Total integrity.

Andy, sing us another song.

Thanks, but I feel like a loner right now.

Oh, come on, Andy, you were the highlight.

Come on, Andy, seriously.

Okay, all right, all right, all right.

sings Macy Gray’s “I Try” and everyone joins in

In the criminal justice system, the people are defended by two separate but equally important groups, the police who investigate the crimes and the district attorneys who prosecute the offenders. These are their stories. Kun-kun! imitates vacuum cleaner I’m just a cleaning lady. Aah! A dead body. He wrapped his belt around his own neck. It looks like a classic case of autoerotic asphyxiation. Yeah, looks like everyone’s tightening their belts in this economy. humming theme music Last time you saw the victim, was he happy? Last time I saw this John, he was-he wasn’t a victim, if you know what I’m talkin about.

No, that was- I’m just getting into the first act.