Nepotism - The Office (Season 7, Episode 1)

The office returns from summer with a new office assistant, Luke. However, it soon becomes clear that he only goofs off, deliberately messes up food and coffee runs, and has a poor attitude that leads everyone to openly despise him. When Michael steps up to defend him, it is revealed that Luke is Michael's nephew, whom Michael hired in hope that it will end the estrangement between him and his half sister, Luke's mother. The office demands Michael get rid of Luke, but he refuses. Later on in the day, the office employees discover the trunk of Luke's car is filled with packages from the office that he neglected to send (along with Michael's rejected pants from Talbot's). Since Luke is now costing the office customers, Gabe sends a heads-up on the situation to CEO Jo Bennett, who sternly tells Michael to deal with the situation.

During a meeting, Luke acts out by annoying everyone with a laser pointer, so Michael spanks him in front of the entire office, leaving Luke to quit and run away crying and the rest of them satisfied. Gabe assigns Michael six hours of counseling with Toby after his physical assault of a fellow employee; Michael is aghast at having to sit down with his archenemy, but under company policies the only alternative is termination.

Meanwhile, the rest of the office tells the camera crew what they've been doing over the summer. Erin started dating Gabe, and Andy tries to play it cool by using his anger management techniques (some of which apparently involve Gabe getting hurt). Kelly attended a corporate training class as part of the "Print in All Colors" initiative for Sabre, and is trying to impress everyone by dressing up and "sounding smarter." Dwight bought the industrial park building, and Jim begins a lengthy prank to overload Dwight's key ring with fake keys. Seeing Jim adding on keys, Pam involuntarily laughs, alerting Dwight to Jim's prank. Though Jim tries to take it gracefully, Pam senses that he is mad at her for spoiling the prank, so she tries to make it up to him by devising a prank of her own. She enlists Kevin to rewire the elevator so the buttons all do different things. To her dismay, Kevin's alterations to the elevator's 'circus board' result in Pam and Dwight getting trapped in the elevator together. Dwight also ends up peeing on the floor, as he has been continuously drinking from a hydration pack throughout the day. In the end the backfired prank does impress Jim.

Best Funny Quotes From The Office - Nepotism

Photo of Stanley Hudson
to Toby, who’s filming You fallin’ behind.
jumps in front of camera Wuphf.com!
Photo of Ryan
Photo of Kelly Kapoor
Ryan, we’re doing the dance!
This is how you build a business. This is how you make it in this country.
Photo of Ryan
Photo of Creed Bratton
Bluetooth rings You got Creed.
-and you jump in front of them.
Photo of Ryan
Photo of Kelly Kapoor
You make it so hard to love you sometimes.
Still behind.
Photo of Stanley Hudson
Photo of Angela Martin
closing door I said I didn’t want to be on the internet!
Go, go, go, go!
Photo of Andy Bernard
Photo of Michael Scott
performs magic-tricks while lip-syncing
Streamers! everyone throws streamers in the air and starts dancing
All
Photo of Dwight Schrute
Hiya! Ha! climbs on Phyllis’ desk and starts kicking things off, bites off the head of a stuffed animal
Dwight! Dwight pulls out a hunting knife and jumps off desk
Photo of Phyllis
Photo of Stanley Hudson
Are you crazy?
song ends Toby, how did we do?
Photo of Andy Bernard
Photo of Toby Flenderson
Well, that was better.
Whoo! We did it! everyone starts cheering
Photo of Andy Bernard

Photo of Michael Scott
I suppose summer had to end sometime. It’s sad, though, because I had a great summer. I got West Nile virus, lost a ton of weight. Then I went back to the lake. I stepped on a piece of glass in the parking lot, which hurt. That got infected even though I peed on it. Saw ‘Inception.’ Or at least I dreamt I did.

Brocolli Rob, obviously, will be there.
Photo of Andy Bernard
Photo of Erin
Yes, of course.
And JC. We call him Blorville, because he looks like a black Orville Redenbacher.
Photo of Andy Bernard
Photo of Erin
Who’s the guy who invented the peanut?
Hey, guys.
Photo of Gabe
Photo of Andy Bernard
Hey!
Sorry, didn’t mean to interrupt.
Photo of Gabe
Photo of Andy Bernard
Not at all.
I’m gonna head back to Siberia there. Ciao. he and Erin kiss
Photo of Gabe

Photo of Gabe
I started dating Erin this summer. It has been, in a word, exquisite.

Gabe is awesome. He has accomplished so much career-wise and height-wise. Thank God he’s my boss because I would not have said yes to a first date if I didn’t have to, but… it’s been great.
Photo of Erin

Photo of Andy Bernard
Am I angry that Gabe stole my girlfriend over the summer? No. I’ve been through anger-management, OK? So right now, I am sitting on a nice beach at Cape Cod, gazing out across the whitecaps. Oh, look, it’s a humpback whale. How pretty. He’s eating Gabe.

goes to change thermostat as Dwight puts a locked cover over it Hey. What are you doing?
Photo of Pam Beesley
Photo of Dwight Schrute
From now on, if you’re hot, sit on an ice pack.
Well, what if you’re cold?
Photo of Kevin Malone
Photo of Dwight Schrute
Like you’d ever be cold, Kevin. Stop asking me hypothetical questions, OK? I’m too busy.
Hey, Dwight, I don’t know if you heard, but we’re supposed to be drinking out of weird backpacks instead of cups, like regular people. Oh, you did hear.
Photo of Jim Halpert
Photo of Dwight Schrute
drinking from Camelback Jim, you have one job to do. And you do it forgettably. Those of us who are busy require hands-free hydration.

Dwight Schrute, star salesman, beet farmer, bed-and-breakfast proprietor, aspiring freelance bodyguard. Add to that list owner of this building. Then burn the list.
Photo of Dwight Schrute

Photo of Kelly Kapoor
This summer, I did the minority executive training program at Yale. You guys, I’m, like, really smart now. You don’t even know. You could ask me, “Kelly, what’s the biggest company in the world?” And I’d be like, “blah blah blah, blah blah blah blah blah blah,” giving you the exact right answer.

Coffee Monkey’s arrived.
Photo of Luke
Photo of Oscar Martinez
The coffee’s supposed to be here at 9.
Here you go, Big O. Tiny. hands Kevin his coffee Darryl Hannah.
Photo of Luke
Photo of Darryl Phylbin
It says decaf. You get me decaf?
Ooh, yeah. Must’ve been some sort of mix-up there. You could just drink it, or I could drive all the way back?
Photo of Luke

Photo of Darryl Phylbin
My summer, I, um, blew out my knee playing softball. Ended up watching CNN most of the time. I don’t know how we’re going to get out of Afghanistan. I hate the new assistant. He’s only been here for a week, and I hate him.

New guy sucks. Calls me the Nard-Man. I’m the Nard-Dog, okay? Nard-man is my father.
Photo of Andy Bernard

Photo of Luke
My name is Luke Cooper. I love cinema. My favorite movies are Citizen Kane and The Boondock Saints.

That kid is the worst. Needs to be fired, Michael.
Photo of Andy Bernard
Photo of Michael Scott
He’s not the worst, okay? He’s not the worst. You know who’s the worst? That intern we had a few years ago. That guy-remember? Eeeh! That face, how ugly he was? He was the worst. Good worker, though. starts drinking coffee Ah! It’s not cappuccino.
He messed yours up to.
Photo of Oscar Martinez
Photo of Darryl Phylbin
He’s got to go, Mike.
It’s just coffee, guys! But, yeah, I’ll look into it, okay?
Photo of Michael Scott

Photo of Jim Halpert
Wow, that’s a lot of keys.
The bigger the key chain, the more powerful the man.
Photo of Dwight Schrute
Photo of Jim Halpert
That’s right. The janitor said that. By the way, the raccoons are back.
Where?
Photo of Dwight Schrute
Photo of Jim Halpert
I think they run through these panels and then down under the map. I wouldn’t know for sure cause I don’t have a trained ear. That’s why I have to use one of these. pulls out stethoscope
Give me that.
Photo of Dwight Schrute
Photo of Jim Halpert
Yep. Wait, and this. hands Dwight a hammer
Yes.
Photo of Dwight Schrute
Photo of Jim Halpert
Go get ’em.

What happened to me this summer? Dwight bought the building, so actually, this has been the busiest summer of my life.
Photo of Jim Halpert

Photo of Dwight Schrute
Jim quietly takes Dwight’s keychain and starts adding keys to it, Pam giggles Hey, what’s so funny over here? Ha. Very nice. Give me my keys. removes keys and throws them at Jim Ha. Ha. Not. Funny. Jim.
Sorry.
Photo of Pam Beesley
Photo of Jim Halpert
Oh, no. Don’t worry about it. I was just gonna put a couple keys on it every day until Christmas. Then his pants would have fallen down, which was a little gift to me, but…
It was really funny.
Photo of Pam Beesley
Photo of Jim Halpert
Well, it would have been. So unprofessional, Mrs. Halpert.
I love you.
Photo of Pam Beesley

Photo of Phyllis
Luke? Luke!
What’s up, Venus?
Photo of Luke
Photo of Phyllis
Did you send those samples to Justin at Lehigh Motors yesterday? Because he didn’t get ’em.
Uh, if you asked me to do it, I’m sure I did it. Yeah, strawberries are ripe.
Photo of Luke
Photo of Meredith Palmer
Hey, turn off the Chumbawamba and scram, twerp.
You don’t have to yell.
Photo of Luke
Photo of Michael Scott
Okay, rude. Luke, I want you to go to the supermarket for me.
What for?
Photo of Luke
Photo of Michael Scott
To get some ice cream for everybody. It’s national ice cream afternoon. Great.

And another thing I did this summer, I hired my nephew.
Photo of Michael Scott

Photo of Michael Scott
Having Luke here is a pretty big deal for me, because his mother, who also happens to be my half-sister, kind of cut me off from that side of the family 15 years a- 14. The last time I saw Luke was the opening day of ‘Ace Ventura II’ and that was ’95, so yes, 15 years on the dot. Anyway, I lost him in a forest.

Don’t bother Luke.
Photo of Michael Scott
Photo of Pam Beesley
Why is there a circle with a line through it?
That means don’t. Haven’t you seen Ghostbusters, Pam?
Photo of Michael Scott
Photo of Phyllis
Yeah, but it’s like you’re saying we should bother Luke.
No, it… Yes, okay, right. erases don’t All right, yep. My bad. I got it. Here we go. writes “Don’t” in front of symbol
Photo of Michael Scott
Photo of Darryl Phylbin
Don’t don’t bother Luke. Got it.
Come on. Okay, um… draws a circle around “Don’t” with a line through it That’s as clear as I can make it.
Photo of Michael Scott
Photo of Phyllis
Hey, why can’t we bother Luke? He deserves it.
Because I don’t want it getting back to Sabre that we’re yelling at assistants. I think it would reflect poorly on us.
Photo of Michael Scott
Photo of Dwight Schrute
Who’s gonna tell on us? Gabe?
That’d be hilarious. Uh, “Jo, they’re creating a hostile work environment. Stop ’em.”
Photo of Gabe
Photo of Michael Scott
Nope, it won’t be Gabe but actually, there is somebody in the office that is very, very close to Luke.
How close?
Photo of Dwight Schrute
Photo of Michael Scott
Well, Dwight, he wiped his butt. Is that close enough for you?
Yes. Of course.
Photo of Dwight Schrute
Photo of Toby Flenderson
Guys, I think Michael and Luke are related.
No. No, Toby. He’s not. Yes he is. He’s my nephew.
Photo of Michael Scott
All
What?
Luke is my nephew.
Photo of Michael Scott
Photo of Oscar Martinez
Michael, that’s nepotism. Luke is getting special treatment because he’s your nephew.
Yes, exactly. That is a very nice way of putting it, Oscar. Mixing family and business is a beautiful thing.
Photo of Michael Scott
Photo of Darryl Phylbin
What’s wrong with a level playing field?
Do you think they should have had open auditions for the band Hanson? What if no one named Hanson showed up? That wouldn’t even make sense. Or what if they just hired the littlest kid and a 50-year-old guy who was a murderer? Really safe.
Photo of Michael Scott
Photo of Jim Halpert
Oh, man, so many points being made.

I couldn’t care less about nepotism. But, I’m loving the debate. Great minds battling it out. And I’ve got a front row seat.
Photo of Creed Bratton

Photo of Michael Scott
God, when he needed help on Earth, who did he hire? Jesus Christ, his son.
That’s a really tight argument.
Photo of Erin
Photo of Michael Scott
Thank you.
But you’re comparing you and Luke to God and Jesus.
Photo of Jim Halpert
Photo of Michael Scott
No! No. I’m just saying, why does God get to do something that I don’t?
This is hypothetical. We’re talking about Luke who happens to be terrible.
Photo of Oscar Martinez
Photo of Michael Scott
Well, then, why aren’t you bugging me to fire everybody who’s bad? You just want me to fire Luke. That’s reverse nepotism. He should not be punished because he is related to me and bad at what he does!
I would just like to say something off of what Darryl said about the level playing field. That is actually a zoning issue. So, thank you.
Photo of Kelly Kapoor
Photo of Oscar Martinez
If there’s nothing wrong with this, Michael, why have you been keeping it a secret?
Because I wanted you to come to me and say, “Wow, he is so great.” And I was gonna say, “Well, it’s in the genes.” And I was actually gonna be wearing jeans. And I’d point to them, right? No. But you ruined it. So, thank you very much. Here he comes. Guys, look. I don’t want you to treat him like anyone else in the office. I just want you to treat him like my nephew. Hey, there he is.
Photo of Michael Scott
Photo of Erin
Hey! Ice cream afternoon!
Whoo! Whoo! Whoo!
Photo of Michael Scott
Photo of Kevin Malone
Wait, soy ice cream? Did you get real ice cream?
Or enough for everyone?
Photo of Pam Beesley
Photo of Luke
No, man. There was no list. Uh, but I got bagel chips.
Ah, my favorite part of an ice cream party. The bagel chips.
Photo of Oscar Martinez
Photo of Andy Bernard
Clutch cream run, bro.

Get whatever you want, on me.
Photo of Pam Beesley
Photo of Jim Halpert
You really think you can make it up to me with food?
I don’t know. That usually works.
Photo of Pam Beesley

Photo of Pam Beesley
I feel horrible for blowing Jim’s prank. I don’t know if you can tell, but he’s mildly upset. And Dwight hasn’t been messed with in a while, so he’s become a monster. I need to make this right.

I came down here to feed the feral cats like I usually do and I found something unsavory in the back of your nephew’s car.
Photo of Angela Martin
Photo of Michael Scott
Ok, you know what? Just -just back off! Back off!
Well, take a look. It’s all the packages he was supposed to overnight. He never bothered to send them.
Photo of Phyllis
Photo of Michael Scott
All right, those might be his. He might own an Ebay store.
Yep. That’s exactly what my first thought was. And then I remembered having a conversation with him where he was like, “I don’t own an Ebay store,” so…
Photo of Jim Halpert
Photo of Michael Scott
Ok, ok. You know what? This is disgusting. This is like a witch hunt. This is like the Blair Witch Hunt project.
Oh sure, those are the expense reports that corporate was waiting for yesterday.
Photo of Oscar Martinez
Photo of Stanley Hudson
Let’s just make this kid open this damn car.
Oh my gosh, those are the pants he wanted to return to Talbots.
Photo of Erin
Photo of Michael Scott
I’m reconsidering sending them back anyway.
You get that kid to open this car, or I’m gonna do it myself… by calling Tripple A.
Photo of Andy Bernard
Photo of Michael Scott
Wait a minute.
breaks into the car I’m in.
Photo of Meredith Palmer
Photo of Michael Scott
Don’t-all right. Well, ok, you’ve just committed a felony.
Yep, here they are.
Photo of Oscar Martinez
Photo of Phyllis
Yep, I just lost a client cause I swore I sent these samples on time.
This kid’s costing us sales, Michael.
Photo of Andy Bernard
Photo of Erin
I’m sorry, do you want to try them on again to see.
No, I know they fit. It’s not about the fit.
Photo of Michael Scott

Photo of Jo
Why is this my problem, Michael?
Because Gabe tattled. I was perfectly happy to just hide it from you.
Photo of Michael Scott
Photo of Gabe
Those overnight packages needed to go out, and Michael refuses to hold the guilty party accountable.
Lower yourself, Gabe. I don’t wanna be having a conversation with your crotch. Ok, educate me now why you won’t fire the boy.
Photo of Jo
Photo of Michael Scott
You don’t have all the facts.
Which are?
Photo of Jo
Photo of Michael Scott
I love him.
Oh, God. How far has it gone?
Photo of Jo
Photo of Michael Scott
No. No. He’s my nephew.
Well, I got a nephew too. But he don’t work for me. You know why? Cause he’s a screw-up. He can swim in my pool but he can’t come in my house.
Photo of Jo
Photo of Michael Scott
Well, this office is my pool. And my house is my house. And I just want my nephew to work in my pool.
If you keep him, Michael, I’m gonna hold you accountable for him. You’re on the hook for this kid. You got that? Cover his ass like tighty-whities.
Photo of Jo
Photo of Michael Scott
I will cover his ass like moss on a Mississippi tree stump.
Was how I put it not clear enough? I mean, you had to go and make up your own saying? Deal with it, boys.
Photo of Jo

Photo of Michael Scott
Luke and I have been working side-by-side as master and commander. Me as master, he as commander. Occasionally he will need a little push, and I will do that, and he’ll slow down, and I’ll push him again. That’s the thing with kids, you have to keep pushing. You have to push them until they push you back. And then you push some more. It’s all about give and take, but mostly it’s about pushing each other.

Oh, yeah. This’ll be easy. So just, like, rearrange the buttons and stuff.
Photo of Kevin Malone
Photo of Pam Beesley
Yeah, yeah. Like when he presses “Doors closed” the doors open. Or he presses “lobby” it goes to third floor, stuff like that. Can you do that?
Yeah. Let me take a look at the circus board.
Photo of Kevin Malone
Photo of Pam Beesley
Dwight is about to get so Pammed.
Hey, did you SMS text message me?
Photo of Dwight Schrute
Photo of Pam Beesley
Yeah, I wanted to show you something in the lobby. Come on.
as elevator doors won’t shut Okay, that’s weird. Just hitting “door closed.” What?
Photo of Dwight Schrute
Photo of Pam Beesley
There we go.
Is this elevator going up? Hey, the elevator is disobeying us! elevator stops between floors Okay, okay. We are stuck. We are stuck. Hank, Hank! Can you hear us? Oh, my God. Okay. Emergency protocol.
Photo of Dwight Schrute
Photo of Pam Beesley
Let’s just calm down.
Pam, try and pry open those front doors, immediately.
Photo of Dwight Schrute
Photo of Pam Beesley
I don’t-
Use your talons! Pry ’em open! starts to urinate in elevator corner
Photo of Dwight Schrute
Photo of Pam Beesley
Ok, Dwi-Oh, my God!
Well, don’t look, freak!
Photo of Dwight Schrute
Photo of Pam Beesley
Dwight, what are you doing!? We’ve only been in here for, like, two seconds!
I’ve got 56 ounces of fluid in my bladder! And we have to establish a pee corner!
Photo of Dwight Schrute
Photo of Pam Beesley
You’ve gotta be kidding me.

Luke is going to use his laser pointer to point to account setup. You click on that first, then a whole new-Not, no, no, no! Luke points laser at Oscar’s forehead Luke, come on. Come on. Not on Oscar’s head. Alright. Luke, come on. Stop it!
Photo of Michael Scott
Photo of Luke
What? I’m stopping it. That’s what you said.
Give me the pointer.
Photo of Michael Scott
Photo of Luke
So you just want me to move it? You’re being totally unclear here. I’m just gonna go ahead and move it. points it at Angela’s chest
No, just power it down. No, no, no, no, no. Not on Angela’s boob. Come on. Come on. Luke, seriously.
Photo of Michael Scott
Photo of Luke
All right, fine. Fine. I’ll just go.
Okay.
Photo of Michael Scott
Photo of Luke
I’m gone.
All right. Okay. Good job. Okay, email accounts. So we’re starting with account setup-
Photo of Michael Scott
Photo of Andy Bernard
Oh, my God, is it in my eyeball? I think he’s burning my eye.
Michael, do something.
Photo of Angela Martin
Photo of Meredith Palmer
Sack up, man.
Okay, can I have that?
Photo of Michael Scott
Photo of Luke
No.
Ok, I am going to count down from five.
Photo of Michael Scott
Both
Five, four…
I’m not kidding.
Photo of Michael Scott
Both
Three, two, one.
Give-okay. Alright, give it up.
Photo of Michael Scott
Photo of Luke
No!
bending Luke over desk, spanking him repeatedly You are going to learn to be more professional, Luke!
Photo of Michael Scott
Photo of Luke
What the?
That’s what you’re going to do, Luke!
Photo of Michael Scott
Photo of Luke
What the hell was that?
I had to do that.
Photo of Michael Scott
Photo of Luke
Hey, bleep this! Screw it!
All right. Are we good? Luke runs out crying You’re okay. He’s okay. There are many different schools of thought on capital punishment.
Photo of Michael Scott
Photo of Kevin Malone
That was awesome!
Texas justice.
Photo of Stanley Hudson
Photo of Kelly Kapoor
Yeah, your nephew is so lame.
He’s been trashing us relentlessly on Twitter. Yeah, it’s funny stuff, but mean.
Photo of Creed Bratton
Photo of Jim Halpert
You follow him on Twitter?

Everywhere I look it’s Betty White this and Betty White that. Finally a kid that’s not talking about Betty White. Of course I follow him.
Photo of Creed Bratton

Photo of Gabe
Michael, you just physically assaulted an employee. Can we talk in private?
Yes, of course. What is this in reference to?
Photo of Michael Scott

Photo of Jim Halpert
Pam?
Oh, hey Jim. Some prankster switched the elevator buttons on Dwight.
Photo of Pam Beesley
Photo of Jim Halpert
I did not do this.
I know. Yeah, and it was going really great at first. I got video.
Photo of Pam Beesley
Photo of Jim Halpert
This is impressive.
Well, you know… they don’t call me the Bart Simpson of Scranton for nothing.
Photo of Pam Beesley
Photo of Jim Halpert
Do they call you that?
They do call me that.
Photo of Pam Beesley
Photo of Jim Halpert
Come on, give me your hand. I’ll help you down.
Nope. Scared of getting cut in half. Also, there’s pee on the floor.
Photo of Pam Beesley
Photo of Jim Halpert
Oh! Of course there is. Hey, Chinese tonight?
Yeah.
Photo of Pam Beesley
Photo of Jim Halpert
Great.
How ya doin’?
Photo of Dwight Schrute
Photo of Jim Halpert
Pretty good. You must be almost out of water.
Stop drinking the water! Stop!
Photo of Pam Beesley

Photo of Andy Bernard
Phyllis and Andy act out Luke getting spanked No, no, no, no. It’s the other hand. Right hand. Yeah.

Would have been nice to work with my family. It would have been nice if Luke had been able to stay here. But he couldn’t. These things seldom work out. I don’t know how Ringling Brothers do it. Night after night, town after town, all across America. You would think they’d be sick of each other by now. But, clearly, they make it work. And my hat’s off to them.
Photo of Michael Scott

Photo of Andy Bernard
Dwight starts aggressively spanking Andy Whoa! Whoa! Hey. Whoa. Dwight! Stop!

Legal says the best way to protect us from a lawsuit is to call this a stress-induced outburst. You will have to undergo six sessions of counseling.
Photo of Gabe
Photo of Michael Scott
That’s it? Really? That’s nothing. All right. That’s highway robbery.
Good. Well, that’s the spirit.
Photo of Gabe
Photo of Michael Scott
I can do that.
And, uh, you will do your counseling right here, because our HR staff are all certified counselors.
Photo of Gabe
Photo of Michael Scott
Okay. Wait, what?
Yeah, I’m really looking forward to working with you, Michael.
Photo of Toby Flenderson
Photo of Michael Scott
Is there another option?
The alternative is termination. Michael stares off, considering termination…
Photo of Gabe

The Office TV Show Footer image