Nepotism - The Office (Season 7, Episode 1)

The office returns from summer with a new office assistant, Luke. However, it soon becomes clear that he only goofs off, deliberately messes up food and coffee runs, and has a poor attitude that leads everyone to openly despise him. When Michael steps up to defend him, it is revealed that Luke is Michael's nephew, whom Michael hired in hope that it will end the estrangement between him and his half sister, Luke's mother. The office demands Michael get rid of Luke, but he refuses. Later on in the day, the office employees discover the trunk of Luke's car is filled with packages from the office that he neglected to send (along with Michael's rejected pants from Talbot's). Since Luke is now costing the office customers, Gabe sends a heads-up on the situation to CEO Jo Bennett, who sternly tells Michael to deal with the situation.

During a meeting, Luke acts out by annoying everyone with a laser pointer, so Michael spanks him in front of the entire office, leaving Luke to quit and run away crying and the rest of them satisfied. Gabe assigns Michael six hours of counseling with Toby after his physical assault of a fellow employee; Michael is aghast at having to sit down with his archenemy, but under company policies the only alternative is termination.

Meanwhile, the rest of the office tells the camera crew what they've been doing over the summer. Erin started dating Gabe, and Andy tries to play it cool by using his anger management techniques (some of which apparently involve Gabe getting hurt). Kelly attended a corporate training class as part of the "Print in All Colors" initiative for Sabre, and is trying to impress everyone by dressing up and "sounding smarter." Dwight bought the industrial park building, and Jim begins a lengthy prank to overload Dwight's key ring with fake keys. Seeing Jim adding on keys, Pam involuntarily laughs, alerting Dwight to Jim's prank. Though Jim tries to take it gracefully, Pam senses that he is mad at her for spoiling the prank, so she tries to make it up to him by devising a prank of her own. She enlists Kevin to rewire the elevator so the buttons all do different things. To her dismay, Kevin's alterations to the elevator's 'circus board' result in Pam and Dwight getting trapped in the elevator together. Dwight also ends up peeing on the floor, as he has been continuously drinking from a hydration pack throughout the day. In the end the backfired prank does impress Jim.

Best Funny Quotes From The Office - Nepotism

to Toby, who’s filming You fallin’ behind.
Photo of Stanley Hudson
Photo of Ryan
jumps in front of camera Wuphf.com!
Ryan, we’re doing the dance!
Photo of Kelly Kapoor
Photo of Ryan
This is how you build a business. This is how you make it in this country.
Bluetooth rings You got Creed.
Photo of Creed Bratton
Photo of Ryan
-and you jump in front of them.
You make it so hard to love you sometimes.
Photo of Kelly Kapoor
Photo of Stanley Hudson
Still behind.
closing door I said I didn’t want to be on the internet!
Photo of Angela Martin
Photo of Andy Bernard
Go, go, go, go!
performs magic-tricks while lip-syncing
Photo of Michael Scott
All
Streamers! everyone throws streamers in the air and starts dancing
Hiya! Ha! climbs on Phyllis’ desk and starts kicking things off, bites off the head of a stuffed animal
Photo of Dwight Schrute
Photo of Phyllis
Dwight! Dwight pulls out a hunting knife and jumps off desk
Are you crazy?
Photo of Stanley Hudson
Photo of Andy Bernard
song ends Toby, how did we do?
Well, that was better.
Photo of Toby Flenderson
Photo of Andy Bernard
Whoo! We did it! everyone starts cheering

I suppose summer had to end sometime. It’s sad, though, because I had a great summer. I got West Nile virus, lost a ton of weight. Then I went back to the lake. I stepped on a piece of glass in the parking lot, which hurt. That got infected even though I peed on it. Saw ‘Inception.’ Or at least I dreamt I did.
Photo of Michael Scott

Photo of Andy Bernard
Brocolli Rob, obviously, will be there.
Yes, of course.
Photo of Erin
Photo of Andy Bernard
And JC. We call him Blorville, because he looks like a black Orville Redenbacher.
Who’s the guy who invented the peanut?
Photo of Erin
Photo of Gabe
Hey, guys.
Hey!
Photo of Andy Bernard
Photo of Gabe
Sorry, didn’t mean to interrupt.
Not at all.
Photo of Andy Bernard
Photo of Gabe
I’m gonna head back to Siberia there. Ciao. he and Erin kiss

I started dating Erin this summer. It has been, in a word, exquisite.
Photo of Gabe

Photo of Erin
Gabe is awesome. He has accomplished so much career-wise and height-wise. Thank God he’s my boss because I would not have said yes to a first date if I didn’t have to, but… it’s been great.

Am I angry that Gabe stole my girlfriend over the summer? No. I’ve been through anger-management, OK? So right now, I am sitting on a nice beach at Cape Cod, gazing out across the whitecaps. Oh, look, it’s a humpback whale. How pretty. He’s eating Gabe.
Photo of Andy Bernard

Photo of Pam Beesley
goes to change thermostat as Dwight puts a locked cover over it Hey. What are you doing?
From now on, if you’re hot, sit on an ice pack.
Photo of Dwight Schrute
Photo of Kevin Malone
Well, what if you’re cold?
Like you’d ever be cold, Kevin. Stop asking me hypothetical questions, OK? I’m too busy.
Photo of Dwight Schrute
Photo of Jim Halpert
Hey, Dwight, I don’t know if you heard, but we’re supposed to be drinking out of weird backpacks instead of cups, like regular people. Oh, you did hear.
drinking from Camelback Jim, you have one job to do. And you do it forgettably. Those of us who are busy require hands-free hydration.
Photo of Dwight Schrute

Photo of Dwight Schrute
Dwight Schrute, star salesman, beet farmer, bed-and-breakfast proprietor, aspiring freelance bodyguard. Add to that list owner of this building. Then burn the list.

This summer, I did the minority executive training program at Yale. You guys, I’m, like, really smart now. You don’t even know. You could ask me, “Kelly, what’s the biggest company in the world?” And I’d be like, “blah blah blah, blah blah blah blah blah blah,” giving you the exact right answer.
Photo of Kelly Kapoor

Photo of Luke
Coffee Monkey’s arrived.
The coffee’s supposed to be here at 9.
Photo of Oscar Martinez
Photo of Luke
Here you go, Big O. Tiny. hands Kevin his coffee Darryl Hannah.
It says decaf. You get me decaf?
Photo of Darryl Phylbin
Photo of Luke
Ooh, yeah. Must’ve been some sort of mix-up there. You could just drink it, or I could drive all the way back?

My summer, I, um, blew out my knee playing softball. Ended up watching CNN most of the time. I don’t know how we’re going to get out of Afghanistan. I hate the new assistant. He’s only been here for a week, and I hate him.
Photo of Darryl Phylbin

Photo of Andy Bernard
New guy sucks. Calls me the Nard-Man. I’m the Nard-Dog, okay? Nard-man is my father.

My name is Luke Cooper. I love cinema. My favorite movies are Citizen Kane and The Boondock Saints.
Photo of Luke

Photo of Andy Bernard
That kid is the worst. Needs to be fired, Michael.
He’s not the worst, okay? He’s not the worst. You know who’s the worst? That intern we had a few years ago. That guy-remember? Eeeh! That face, how ugly he was? He was the worst. Good worker, though. starts drinking coffee Ah! It’s not cappuccino.
Photo of Michael Scott
Photo of Oscar Martinez
He messed yours up to.
He’s got to go, Mike.
Photo of Darryl Phylbin
Photo of Michael Scott
It’s just coffee, guys! But, yeah, I’ll look into it, okay?

Wow, that’s a lot of keys.
Photo of Jim Halpert
Photo of Dwight Schrute
The bigger the key chain, the more powerful the man.
That’s right. The janitor said that. By the way, the raccoons are back.
Photo of Jim Halpert
Photo of Dwight Schrute
Where?
I think they run through these panels and then down under the map. I wouldn’t know for sure cause I don’t have a trained ear. That’s why I have to use one of these. pulls out stethoscope
Photo of Jim Halpert
Photo of Dwight Schrute
Give me that.
Yep. Wait, and this. hands Dwight a hammer
Photo of Jim Halpert
Photo of Dwight Schrute
Yes.
Go get ’em.
Photo of Jim Halpert

Photo of Jim Halpert
What happened to me this summer? Dwight bought the building, so actually, this has been the busiest summer of my life.

Jim quietly takes Dwight’s keychain and starts adding keys to it, Pam giggles Hey, what’s so funny over here? Ha. Very nice. Give me my keys. removes keys and throws them at Jim Ha. Ha. Not. Funny. Jim.
Photo of Dwight Schrute
Photo of Pam Beesley
Sorry.
Oh, no. Don’t worry about it. I was just gonna put a couple keys on it every day until Christmas. Then his pants would have fallen down, which was a little gift to me, but…
Photo of Jim Halpert
Photo of Pam Beesley
It was really funny.
Well, it would have been. So unprofessional, Mrs. Halpert.
Photo of Jim Halpert
Photo of Pam Beesley
I love you.

Luke? Luke!
Photo of Phyllis
Photo of Luke
What’s up, Venus?
Did you send those samples to Justin at Lehigh Motors yesterday? Because he didn’t get ’em.
Photo of Phyllis
Photo of Luke
Uh, if you asked me to do it, I’m sure I did it. Yeah, strawberries are ripe.
Hey, turn off the Chumbawamba and scram, twerp.
Photo of Meredith Palmer
Photo of Luke
You don’t have to yell.
Okay, rude. Luke, I want you to go to the supermarket for me.
Photo of Michael Scott
Photo of Luke
What for?
To get some ice cream for everybody. It’s national ice cream afternoon. Great.
Photo of Michael Scott

Photo of Michael Scott
And another thing I did this summer, I hired my nephew.

Having Luke here is a pretty big deal for me, because his mother, who also happens to be my half-sister, kind of cut me off from that side of the family 15 years a- 14. The last time I saw Luke was the opening day of ‘Ace Ventura II’ and that was ’95, so yes, 15 years on the dot. Anyway, I lost him in a forest.
Photo of Michael Scott

Photo of Michael Scott
Don’t bother Luke.
Why is there a circle with a line through it?
Photo of Pam Beesley
Photo of Michael Scott
That means don’t. Haven’t you seen Ghostbusters, Pam?
Yeah, but it’s like you’re saying we should bother Luke.
Photo of Phyllis
Photo of Michael Scott
No, it… Yes, okay, right. erases don’t All right, yep. My bad. I got it. Here we go. writes “Don’t” in front of symbol
Don’t don’t bother Luke. Got it.
Photo of Darryl Phylbin
Photo of Michael Scott
Come on. Okay, um… draws a circle around “Don’t” with a line through it That’s as clear as I can make it.
Hey, why can’t we bother Luke? He deserves it.
Photo of Phyllis
Photo of Michael Scott
Because I don’t want it getting back to Sabre that we’re yelling at assistants. I think it would reflect poorly on us.
Who’s gonna tell on us? Gabe?
Photo of Dwight Schrute
Photo of Gabe
That’d be hilarious. Uh, “Jo, they’re creating a hostile work environment. Stop ’em.”
Nope, it won’t be Gabe but actually, there is somebody in the office that is very, very close to Luke.
Photo of Michael Scott
Photo of Dwight Schrute
How close?
Well, Dwight, he wiped his butt. Is that close enough for you?
Photo of Michael Scott
Photo of Dwight Schrute
Yes. Of course.
Guys, I think Michael and Luke are related.
Photo of Toby Flenderson
Photo of Michael Scott
No. No, Toby. He’s not. Yes he is. He’s my nephew.
What?
All
Photo of Michael Scott
Luke is my nephew.
Michael, that’s nepotism. Luke is getting special treatment because he’s your nephew.
Photo of Oscar Martinez
Photo of Michael Scott
Yes, exactly. That is a very nice way of putting it, Oscar. Mixing family and business is a beautiful thing.
What’s wrong with a level playing field?
Photo of Darryl Phylbin
Photo of Michael Scott
Do you think they should have had open auditions for the band Hanson? What if no one named Hanson showed up? That wouldn’t even make sense. Or what if they just hired the littlest kid and a 50-year-old guy who was a murderer? Really safe.
Oh, man, so many points being made.
Photo of Jim Halpert

Photo of Creed Bratton
I couldn’t care less about nepotism. But, I’m loving the debate. Great minds battling it out. And I’ve got a front row seat.

God, when he needed help on Earth, who did he hire? Jesus Christ, his son.
Photo of Michael Scott
Photo of Erin
That’s a really tight argument.
Thank you.
Photo of Michael Scott
Photo of Jim Halpert
But you’re comparing you and Luke to God and Jesus.
No! No. I’m just saying, why does God get to do something that I don’t?
Photo of Michael Scott
Photo of Oscar Martinez
This is hypothetical. We’re talking about Luke who happens to be terrible.
Well, then, why aren’t you bugging me to fire everybody who’s bad? You just want me to fire Luke. That’s reverse nepotism. He should not be punished because he is related to me and bad at what he does!
Photo of Michael Scott
Photo of Kelly Kapoor
I would just like to say something off of what Darryl said about the level playing field. That is actually a zoning issue. So, thank you.
If there’s nothing wrong with this, Michael, why have you been keeping it a secret?
Photo of Oscar Martinez
Photo of Michael Scott
Because I wanted you to come to me and say, “Wow, he is so great.” And I was gonna say, “Well, it’s in the genes.” And I was actually gonna be wearing jeans. And I’d point to them, right? No. But you ruined it. So, thank you very much. Here he comes. Guys, look. I don’t want you to treat him like anyone else in the office. I just want you to treat him like my nephew. Hey, there he is.
Hey! Ice cream afternoon!
Photo of Erin
Photo of Michael Scott
Whoo! Whoo! Whoo!
Wait, soy ice cream? Did you get real ice cream?
Photo of Kevin Malone
Photo of Pam Beesley
Or enough for everyone?
No, man. There was no list. Uh, but I got bagel chips.
Photo of Luke
Photo of Oscar Martinez
Ah, my favorite part of an ice cream party. The bagel chips.
Clutch cream run, bro.
Photo of Andy Bernard

Photo of Pam Beesley
Get whatever you want, on me.
You really think you can make it up to me with food?
Photo of Jim Halpert
Photo of Pam Beesley
I don’t know. That usually works.

I feel horrible for blowing Jim’s prank. I don’t know if you can tell, but he’s mildly upset. And Dwight hasn’t been messed with in a while, so he’s become a monster. I need to make this right.
Photo of Pam Beesley

Photo of Angela Martin
I came down here to feed the feral cats like I usually do and I found something unsavory in the back of your nephew’s car.
Ok, you know what? Just -just back off! Back off!
Photo of Michael Scott
Photo of Phyllis
Well, take a look. It’s all the packages he was supposed to overnight. He never bothered to send them.
All right, those might be his. He might own an Ebay store.
Photo of Michael Scott
Photo of Jim Halpert
Yep. That’s exactly what my first thought was. And then I remembered having a conversation with him where he was like, “I don’t own an Ebay store,” so…
Ok, ok. You know what? This is disgusting. This is like a witch hunt. This is like the Blair Witch Hunt project.
Photo of Michael Scott
Photo of Oscar Martinez
Oh sure, those are the expense reports that corporate was waiting for yesterday.
Let’s just make this kid open this damn car.
Photo of Stanley Hudson
Photo of Erin
Oh my gosh, those are the pants he wanted to return to Talbots.
I’m reconsidering sending them back anyway.
Photo of Michael Scott
Photo of Andy Bernard
You get that kid to open this car, or I’m gonna do it myself… by calling Tripple A.
Wait a minute.
Photo of Michael Scott
Photo of Meredith Palmer
breaks into the car I’m in.
Don’t-all right. Well, ok, you’ve just committed a felony.
Photo of Michael Scott
Photo of Oscar Martinez
Yep, here they are.
Yep, I just lost a client cause I swore I sent these samples on time.
Photo of Phyllis
Photo of Andy Bernard
This kid’s costing us sales, Michael.
I’m sorry, do you want to try them on again to see.
Photo of Erin
Photo of Michael Scott
No, I know they fit. It’s not about the fit.

Why is this my problem, Michael?
Photo of Jo
Photo of Michael Scott
Because Gabe tattled. I was perfectly happy to just hide it from you.
Those overnight packages needed to go out, and Michael refuses to hold the guilty party accountable.
Photo of Gabe
Photo of Jo
Lower yourself, Gabe. I don’t wanna be having a conversation with your crotch. Ok, educate me now why you won’t fire the boy.
You don’t have all the facts.
Photo of Michael Scott
Photo of Jo
Which are?
I love him.
Photo of Michael Scott
Photo of Jo
Oh, God. How far has it gone?
No. No. He’s my nephew.
Photo of Michael Scott
Photo of Jo
Well, I got a nephew too. But he don’t work for me. You know why? Cause he’s a screw-up. He can swim in my pool but he can’t come in my house.
Well, this office is my pool. And my house is my house. And I just want my nephew to work in my pool.
Photo of Michael Scott
Photo of Jo
If you keep him, Michael, I’m gonna hold you accountable for him. You’re on the hook for this kid. You got that? Cover his ass like tighty-whities.
I will cover his ass like moss on a Mississippi tree stump.
Photo of Michael Scott
Photo of Jo
Was how I put it not clear enough? I mean, you had to go and make up your own saying? Deal with it, boys.

Luke and I have been working side-by-side as master and commander. Me as master, he as commander. Occasionally he will need a little push, and I will do that, and he’ll slow down, and I’ll push him again. That’s the thing with kids, you have to keep pushing. You have to push them until they push you back. And then you push some more. It’s all about give and take, but mostly it’s about pushing each other.
Photo of Michael Scott

Photo of Kevin Malone
Oh, yeah. This’ll be easy. So just, like, rearrange the buttons and stuff.
Yeah, yeah. Like when he presses “Doors closed” the doors open. Or he presses “lobby” it goes to third floor, stuff like that. Can you do that?
Photo of Pam Beesley
Photo of Kevin Malone
Yeah. Let me take a look at the circus board.
Dwight is about to get so Pammed.
Photo of Pam Beesley
Photo of Dwight Schrute
Hey, did you SMS text message me?
Yeah, I wanted to show you something in the lobby. Come on.
Photo of Pam Beesley
Photo of Dwight Schrute
as elevator doors won’t shut Okay, that’s weird. Just hitting “door closed.” What?
There we go.
Photo of Pam Beesley
Photo of Dwight Schrute
Is this elevator going up? Hey, the elevator is disobeying us! elevator stops between floors Okay, okay. We are stuck. We are stuck. Hank, Hank! Can you hear us? Oh, my God. Okay. Emergency protocol.
Let’s just calm down.
Photo of Pam Beesley
Photo of Dwight Schrute
Pam, try and pry open those front doors, immediately.
I don’t-
Photo of Pam Beesley
Photo of Dwight Schrute
Use your talons! Pry ’em open! starts to urinate in elevator corner
Ok, Dwi-Oh, my God!
Photo of Pam Beesley
Photo of Dwight Schrute
Well, don’t look, freak!
Dwight, what are you doing!? We’ve only been in here for, like, two seconds!
Photo of Pam Beesley
Photo of Dwight Schrute
I’ve got 56 ounces of fluid in my bladder! And we have to establish a pee corner!
You’ve gotta be kidding me.
Photo of Pam Beesley

Photo of Michael Scott
Luke is going to use his laser pointer to point to account setup. You click on that first, then a whole new-Not, no, no, no! Luke points laser at Oscar’s forehead Luke, come on. Come on. Not on Oscar’s head. Alright. Luke, come on. Stop it!
What? I’m stopping it. That’s what you said.
Photo of Luke
Photo of Michael Scott
Give me the pointer.
So you just want me to move it? You’re being totally unclear here. I’m just gonna go ahead and move it. points it at Angela’s chest
Photo of Luke
Photo of Michael Scott
No, just power it down. No, no, no, no, no. Not on Angela’s boob. Come on. Come on. Luke, seriously.
All right, fine. Fine. I’ll just go.
Photo of Luke
Photo of Michael Scott
Okay.
I’m gone.
Photo of Luke
Photo of Michael Scott
All right. Okay. Good job. Okay, email accounts. So we’re starting with account setup-
Oh, my God, is it in my eyeball? I think he’s burning my eye.
Photo of Andy Bernard
Photo of Angela Martin
Michael, do something.
Sack up, man.
Photo of Meredith Palmer
Photo of Michael Scott
Okay, can I have that?
No.
Photo of Luke
Photo of Michael Scott
Ok, I am going to count down from five.
Five, four…
Both
Photo of Michael Scott
I’m not kidding.
Three, two, one.
Both
Photo of Michael Scott
Give-okay. Alright, give it up.
No!
Photo of Luke
Photo of Michael Scott
bending Luke over desk, spanking him repeatedly You are going to learn to be more professional, Luke!
What the?
Photo of Luke
Photo of Michael Scott
That’s what you’re going to do, Luke!
What the hell was that?
Photo of Luke
Photo of Michael Scott
I had to do that.
Hey, bleep this! Screw it!
Photo of Luke
Photo of Michael Scott
All right. Are we good? Luke runs out crying You’re okay. He’s okay. There are many different schools of thought on capital punishment.
That was awesome!
Photo of Kevin Malone
Photo of Stanley Hudson
Texas justice.
Yeah, your nephew is so lame.
Photo of Kelly Kapoor
Photo of Creed Bratton
He’s been trashing us relentlessly on Twitter. Yeah, it’s funny stuff, but mean.
You follow him on Twitter?
Photo of Jim Halpert

Photo of Creed Bratton
Everywhere I look it’s Betty White this and Betty White that. Finally a kid that’s not talking about Betty White. Of course I follow him.

Michael, you just physically assaulted an employee. Can we talk in private?
Photo of Gabe
Photo of Michael Scott
Yes, of course. What is this in reference to?

Pam?
Photo of Jim Halpert
Photo of Pam Beesley
Oh, hey Jim. Some prankster switched the elevator buttons on Dwight.
I did not do this.
Photo of Jim Halpert
Photo of Pam Beesley
I know. Yeah, and it was going really great at first. I got video.
This is impressive.
Photo of Jim Halpert
Photo of Pam Beesley
Well, you know… they don’t call me the Bart Simpson of Scranton for nothing.
Do they call you that?
Photo of Jim Halpert
Photo of Pam Beesley
They do call me that.
Come on, give me your hand. I’ll help you down.
Photo of Jim Halpert
Photo of Pam Beesley
Nope. Scared of getting cut in half. Also, there’s pee on the floor.
Oh! Of course there is. Hey, Chinese tonight?
Photo of Jim Halpert
Photo of Pam Beesley
Yeah.
Great.
Photo of Jim Halpert
Photo of Dwight Schrute
How ya doin’?
Pretty good. You must be almost out of water.
Photo of Jim Halpert
Photo of Pam Beesley
Stop drinking the water! Stop!

Phyllis and Andy act out Luke getting spanked No, no, no, no. It’s the other hand. Right hand. Yeah.
Photo of Andy Bernard

Photo of Michael Scott
Would have been nice to work with my family. It would have been nice if Luke had been able to stay here. But he couldn’t. These things seldom work out. I don’t know how Ringling Brothers do it. Night after night, town after town, all across America. You would think they’d be sick of each other by now. But, clearly, they make it work. And my hat’s off to them.

Dwight starts aggressively spanking Andy Whoa! Whoa! Hey. Whoa. Dwight! Stop!
Photo of Andy Bernard

Photo of Gabe
Legal says the best way to protect us from a lawsuit is to call this a stress-induced outburst. You will have to undergo six sessions of counseling.
That’s it? Really? That’s nothing. All right. That’s highway robbery.
Photo of Michael Scott
Photo of Gabe
Good. Well, that’s the spirit.
I can do that.
Photo of Michael Scott
Photo of Gabe
And, uh, you will do your counseling right here, because our HR staff are all certified counselors.
Okay. Wait, what?
Photo of Michael Scott
Photo of Toby Flenderson
Yeah, I’m really looking forward to working with you, Michael.
Is there another option?
Photo of Michael Scott
Photo of Gabe
The alternative is termination. Michael stares off, considering termination…

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