Stress Relief - The Office (Season 5, Episode 14/15)

Dwight is annoyed that nobody in the office paid attention to his fire safety seminar last week so he tries another approach. He seals the office exits, cuts the phone lines and starts a fire in a trash can. Once Pam spots the smoke from the trash can fire, the office goes into a panic.

Even as Dwight is calmly trying to explain the safety procedures, people are going bonkers. They're smashing windows, crawling through the ceiling, and smashing office equipment. When Dwight reveals it was just a drill, Stanley collapses - he's suffered a heart attack.

It doesn't take long for Dwight to be reprimanded by David Wallace. As a result, Michael strips Dwight of his position as safety officer. Once Stanley is released from the hospital, he's warned by his doctors to keep his stress levels under control or risk further damaging his health.

Michael arranges for a CPR training session for the employees, but it doesn't go as planned (obviously). Everyone gets distracted and Dwight ends up destroying the CPR dummy (trying to harvest its organs) and even cuts its face off and wears it a la Silence of the Lambs.

David Wallace orders Dwight to apologize to his co-workers and get signatures acknowledging that they forgive him. His apology is insincere and he denies responsiblility for Stanley's heart attack causing everyone to refuse to sign. Michael then tries to calm the workers down with yoga and meditation session... but Michael finds out that he's the source of stress within the office.

Pam's parents are going through a rough patch in their marriage, and Pam’s father is staying with her and Jim. Pam asks Jim to talk to her father and convince him to work things out with her mother. Shortly after they talk, Pam learns that her father is seeking a separation and is looking for his own apartment. Pam assumes it is because of something Jim said to her father, and blames him for her parent's breakup.

Pam later finds out it was the conversation her father and Jim had that made him leave her mother... but for the sweetest reason ever. Jim told her father how much he loves Pam, and her father realized that he had never felt that way about her mother

Michael believes the employees are stressed because they are reluctant to express their feelings, so he organizes a comedy roast of himself in the warehouse. Everyone in the office participates in the roast and Michael initially seems to enjoy the jokes... but later they hit home and he grows increasingly hurt. When it comes time for him to roast his employees, Michael ends up storming out of the warehouse.

The day after the roast, Michael takes a personal day. Everyone in the office is worried that they may have taken the roast too far. When Michael returns to the office, he roasts each of his co-workers with one-liners. When Michael roasts Stanley, he says "Stanley, you crush your wife during sex, and your heart sucks" and Stanley can't stop laughing. Michael tells his employees that they are the reason he got into the paper business, and they applaud him.

Best Funny Quotes From The Office - Stress Relief

Photo of Dwight Schrute
Last week I gave a fire safety talk. clears throat And nobody paid any attention. It’s my own fault for using PowerPoint. PowerPoint is boring. People learn in a lot of different ways, but experience is the best teacher. lights a cigarette Today, smoking is gonna save lives. throws cigarette into garbage can filled with paper and lighter fluid

looking around office to see if anyone notices the smoke Does anyone smell anything smoky?
Photo of Dwight Schrute
Photo of Angela Martin
Did you bring your jerky in again?
clears throat
Photo of Dwight Schrute
Photo of Pam Beesley
points to smoke Oh, my God! Uh, Oh my God!
What–
Photo of Phyllis
Photo of Andy Bernard
Whoa, fire!
Oh, fire! Oh my goodness! What’s the procedure? What do we do, people?
Photo of Dwight Schrute
Photo of Pam Beesley
The phones are dead.
Oh, how did that happen?
Photo of Dwight Schrute
Photo of Kevin Malone
It’s out in the hall.
No, we don’t know that. The smoke could be coming through an air duct.
Photo of Dwight Schrute
Photo of Michael Scott
Oh my God! Okay, it happening. Everybody stay calm.
What’s the procedure, everyone? What’s the procedure?
Photo of Dwight Schrute
Photo of Michael Scott
Stay bleep calm!
Wait, wait, wait.
Photo of Dwight Schrute
Photo of Michael Scott
Everyone, now bleep calm down!
No! No, Michael! No! Touch the handle. If it’s hot, there could be a fire in the hallway.
Photo of Dwight Schrute
Photo of Michael Scott
What does warm mean?
groaning Oh my God.
Photo of Everyone
Photo of Dwight Schrute
Not a viable option.
Try a different door.
Photo of Pam Beesley
Photo of Dwight Schrute
Okay, what’s next?
Don’t run.
Photo of Michael Scott
Photo of Dwight Schrute
Oh! Here’s a door. Check that one out. How’s the handle?
It– it’s warm.
Photo of Andy Bernard
Photo of Dwight Schrute
Well, uh, another option. everyone chattering at once
Back door.
Photo of Jim Halpert
Photo of Dwight Schrute
Back to our options. Jeez! Ok! settle down everyone. No bunching!
Oh! I forgot my purse.
Photo of Phyllis
Photo of Stanley Hudson
Leave it woman!
Get out of the way! Go, go, go!
Photo of Michael Scott
Photo of Dwight Schrute
Things can be replaced, Phyllis! People, human lives, however, can…
Ah! My hand! That’s hot!
Photo of Oscar Martinez
Photo of Andy Bernard
Aah! This ones hot too!
Okay, we’re trapped. Everyone for himself.
Photo of Michael Scott
Photo of Dwight Schrute
Okay, let’s go.
shouting Out of my way! Let’s go. Get out of my way!
Photo of Everyone
Photo of Dwight Schrute
Calm, please
Get out of the way!
Photo of Andy Bernard
Photo of Dwight Schrute
Have you ever seen a burn victim?
Move it!
Photo of Andy Bernard
Photo of Dwight Schrute
Okay! Procedure, procedure. Exit options. Where do we go folks? Wha– Use a what to cover the mouth?
pulling cat out of filing drawer It’s okay. Shh shhh.
Photo of Angela Martin
Photo of Dwight Schrute
A what? A rag. A damp rag, perhaps. Let’s remember those procedures. What are the options? Okay, that’s the wrong way. We’ve already tried that. Remember your exit points. Exit points people.
Oscar.
Photo of Angela Martin
Photo of Dwight Schrute
What’s next?
Oscar!
Photo of Angela Martin
Photo of Oscar Martinez
Stay alive! I’m getting help!
Pull me up!
Photo of Angela Martin
Photo of Oscar Martinez
You’re too heavy!
I only weigh 82 pounds! Uh– save Bandit! throws cat into air duct and he falls out through the other side Oh!
Photo of Angela Martin
Photo of Dwight Schrute
How about 911? Anyone? 911. Michael throws a chair at the window, Kevin smashes a chair through the vending machine and begins to grab snacks, everyone is shouting.
What do we do?
Photo of Pam Beesley
Photo of Dwight Schrute
Use the surge of fear and adrenaline to sharpen your decision-making.
Okay, I am not dying here. Come on. everyone is coughing from the smoke, Dwight lights some fire crackers and they start popping
Photo of Jim Halpert
Photo of Angela Martin
What is that? What is that?
The fire’s shooting at us!
Photo of Andy Bernard
Photo of Phyllis
What in the name of God is going on?!
Yes! Dwight pulls fire alarm Yes, ba– Yes, battering ram! Battering ram!
Photo of Andy Bernard
Phyllis and Creed
Ahhhh!!! Oscar’s leg crashes through the ceiling
Go, go, go, go, go!! Andy and Jim ram the door with the copy machine
Photo of Andy Bernard
Photo of Michael Scott
throws the projector out the window Help!! Help!!
I’m about to die!
Photo of Stanley Hudson
Photo of Dwight Schrute
blowing air horn Attention everyone! Employees of Dunder Mifflin! This has been a test of our emergency preparedness. There is no fire. It was only a simulation.
What?!
Photo of Jim Halpert
Photo of Dwight Schrute
Fire not real. This was merely a training exercise. Oscar drops down from the ceiling So, what have we learned? Stanley falls to the floor Oh come on. It’s not real Stanley. Don’t have a heart attack.
No, no, no! You will not die! Stanley! Stanley! You will not die! Stanley! Stanley! Barack is president! You are black, Stanley! I’m gonna give him mouth to mouth.
Photo of Michael Scott
Photo of Jim Halpert
No, no, no! Don’t give him mouth to mouth for this!
He’s going to swallow is tongue.
Photo of Michael Scott
Photo of Jim Halpert
No. Michael. Michael.
Open your mouth. Come on. Don’t swallow it.
Photo of Michael Scott
Photo of Jim Halpert
everyone shouting at once Michael! Michael!
Leave me al–
Photo of Michael Scott
Photo of Andy Bernard
You’re choking him!
Saving him!
Photo of Michael Scott

Photo of David Wallace
How could you possibly think this is a good idea?
A lot of ideas were not appreciated in their time.
Photo of Dwight Schrute
Photo of Michael Scott
Electricity.
Shampoo.
Photo of Dwight Schrute
Photo of David Wallace
You could have burned down the whole building.
I just want to say for the record, I did not kill anyone. Stanley was attacked by his own heart. And he should be released from the hospital and back in the office in a couple days.
Photo of Dwight Schrute
Lawyer
Did you shout, “Fire!”, causing a panic?
Yes I shouted “fire!”. I shouted many things! I also shouted instructions on how to get out of the building, so you can imagine my frustration as safety officer when nobody would heed of what– heeded–
Photo of Dwight Schrute
Photo of Michael Scott
Hed. Hedded
When no one hedded–
Photo of Dwight Schrute
Photo of Michael Scott
Take hedded of.
N-no one would take hedded of my instructions.
Photo of Dwight Schrute
Photo of Michael Scott
Heed. Heed.
So, you–
Photo of Dwight Schrute
Photo of Michael Scott
Take heed of.
And, well, I don’t see my co-workers–
Photo of Dwight Schrute
Photo of Michael Scott
Take heed of.
Hee-heeding this right now.
Photo of Dwight Schrute
Lawyer
Wh–what?
Okay. walks to the window, sighs This city. Dwight. We are not mad, we are just disappointed.
Photo of Michael Scott
Photo of David Wallace
No, we are mad.
Yes. We are. We are livid. But we are going to let this one slide.
Photo of Michael Scott
Photo of David Wallace
No, we’re not.
I am not a mind reader, David.
Photo of Michael Scott
Photo of David
Look, this is very serious offense. We have cause to fire you.
Can you shove down? Instead… shove down, please. Instead, what I think we should do is strip of your title as safety officer.
Michel
Photo of Dwight Schrute
No.
And we should take a part of his pay and donate it the charity of your choice. Something that Dwight doesn’t like.
Photo of Michael Scott
Photo of Dwight Schrute
PETA.
Michael, you have to take responsibility here. One of your employees had a heart attack. He could have died, because of the way that you are allowing your office to run. Do you want that on your conscious?
Photo of David Wallace
Photo of Michael Scott
Do you?
Michael?
Photo of David Wallace
Photo of Michael Scott
You talking to me?
Yeah.
Photo of David Wallace
Photo of Michael Scott
What?

Well… I guess we papered over that pretty nicely. chuckles It always amuses me when corporate thinks they can make some big change with a twenty minute meeting in some fancy high-rise. What’s the matter? You hungry?
Photo of Dwight Schrute
Photo of Michael Scott
sighs No, Dwight. I am worried. A man’s life is in my hands.
Don’t you worry about that. I got it covered. Okay?
Photo of Dwight Schrute
Photo of Michael Scott
Yeah.
I am planning a bomb scare that should really get the blood pumping.
Photo of Dwight Schrute
Photo of Michael Scott
That’s not gonna happen. I’m taking over as safety man.
What? You?
Photo of Dwight Schrute
Photo of Michael Scott
Yes.
Come on.
Photo of Dwight Schrute
Photo of Michael Scott
I’m a smart guy. I’ll figure it out.
That’s preposterous.
Photo of Dwight Schrute
Photo of Michael Scott
No, I will.

Nobody should have to go to work thinking, “Oh, this is the place that I might die today.” That’s what a hospital is for. An office is for not dying. An office is a place to live life to the fullest, to the max, to… An office is a place where dreams come true.
Photo of Michael Scott

Photo of Michael Scott
Shhh! Don’t excite him. Don’t make him excitable. whispering Welcome back, Stanley.
Thank you, Michael.
Photo of Stanley Hudson

Photo of Stanley Hudson
It’s true. Around this office, in the past, I have been a little abrupt with people…

flashback Not maybe. Yes or no.
Photo of Stanley Hudson
Photo of Stanley Hudson
flashback No way. Uh-uh.
flashback Are you from another planet?
Photo of Stanley Hudson
Photo of Stanley Hudson
flashback Boy, have you lost your mind? ‘Cause I’ll help you find it.
flashback Did I stutter?
Photo of Stanley Hudson
Photo of Stanley Hudson
flashback I’m done. Goodbye.

But the doctor said if I can’t find a new way to relate more positively to my surroundings I’m going to die.
Photo of Stanley Hudson

Photo of Michael Scott
Andy.
in a British accent A throne for your highness.
Photo of Andy Bernard
Photo of Stanley Hudson
I’m not sitting in a wheelchair.
No, no, no. No debate. You are going to sit in that wheelchair until you are back on your feet.
Photo of Michael Scott

Photo of Stanley Hudson
I’m going to die.

A-B-C. Okay? And hat stands for… airway, breathing and circulation.
CPR trainer
Photo of Michael Scott
Okay, you know what? That could be a little confusing, because in sales A-B-C means “always be closing.”
This is a farce. I should be teaching this course.
Photo of Dwight Schrute
Photo of Michael Scott
Shut it. Shut it.

We found ourselves on the less prepared side of things when Stanley had his… when his heart went berserk. And I knew exactly what to do, but in a much more real sense I had no idea what to do. So I thought we should have CPR training class and of course you can’t get the practice dummy unless the instructor comes along with it. Red Cross, you know, racket.
Photo of Michael Scott

Photo of Kevin Malone
giving chest compressions to the practice dummy I can’t keep doing this forever.
It’s been 20 seconds.
CPR Trainer
Photo of Kevin Malone
Call it.
Would you like to try next?
CPR Trainer
Photo of Dwight Schrute
Absolutely I would not.
You know who I really think should go? Stanley.
Photo of Michael Scott
Photo of Stanley Hudson
Oh, I don’t know.
That’s not a good idea, Michael.
Photo of Phyllis
Photo of Michael Scott
Come on.
He needs to rest.
Photo of Phyllis
Photo of Michael Scott
No rest for the sick. We are not always going to be there to coddle your heart back when it disappears to be working. What are you gonna do if you’re by yourself and your heart stops?
I would die.
Photo of Stanley Hudson
Photo of Michael Scott
And you’re okay with that?
I’m okay with the logic of it.
Photo of Stanley Hudson
Photo of Michael Scott
Uh-uh. No, no, no. Come on. Get up. Let’s do this.

Yes. I had a heart attack. I would quit, but I’m too old to find another job and I don’t have enough saved to retire. I feel like I’m working in my own casket.
Photo of Stanley Hudson

Photo of Michael Scott
Come on Stanley. You’re losing you. You’re losing you. Do it!
Michael!
Photo of Angela Martin
Photo of Michael Scott
This is you we’re talking about.
Michael.
Photo of Angela Martin
Photo of Michael Scott
Okay, okay. I’ll show them. Here we go. whispers Stanley. All right.
So, assessing the situation. Are they breathing?
CPR Trainer
Photo of Michael Scott
No, Rose. They are not breathing. And they have no arms or legs.
No, that’s not part of it.
Rose
Photo of Michael Scott
Where are they? You know what? If we come across somebody with no arms or legs do we bother resuscitating them? I mean, what kind of quality of life do we have there?
I would want to live with no legs.
Photo of Kevin Malone
Photo of Michael Scott
How about no arms? No arms or legs is basically how you exist right now, Kevin. You don’t do anything.
All right, well, lets get back to it. ‘Cause you’re losing him. Okay, too fast. Everyone, we need to pump at a pace of a 100 beats per minute .
Rose
Photo of Michael Scott
okay, that’s uh, hard to keep track. How many is that per hour?
How’s that gonna help you?
Photo of Jim Halpert
Photo of Michael Scott
I will divide and then count to it.
Right.
Photo of Jim Halpert
Rose
Okay. Well, a good trick is to pump to the tune of ‘Staying Alive’ by the Bee Gees. Do you know that song?
Yes, yes I do. I love that song. clears throat, begins to sing First I was afraid, I was petrified.
Photo of Michael Scott
Rose
No, it’s–Ah, Ah, Ah, Ah, stayin’ alive, stayin’ alive.
Okay, I got it.
Photo of Michael Scott
Photo of Creed Bratton
to Rose You were in the parking lot earlier. That’s how I know you.
Ah, Ah, Ah, Ah, stayin’ alive, stayin’ alive Andy joins in Ah, Ah, Ah, Ah, stayin’ alive, stayin’ alive.
Photo of Michael Scott
Photo of Michael Scott
Ah, Ah, Ah, Ah…
Oh you can tell by the way I use my walk I’m a woman’s man, no time to talk. Music loud, women warm, been kicked around since I was born. Oh, it’s alright, it’s okay, Michael and Kelly join in you can look the other way. Loo do do!
Photo of Andy Bernard
Rose
Okay!
Da, da, da, da, da, da, da
Photo of Andy Bernard
Rose
Okay!
muttering Stayin’ alive, stayin’ alive.
Photo of Everyone
Rose
Yeah, okay. You didn’t maintain 100 beats per minute, and the ambulance didn’t arrive because nobody called 911. So you lost him.
Okay, he’s dead. Anyone know what we do next? Anybody? Rose?
Photo of Dwight Schrute
Rose
I have no idea.
Anyone else?
Photo of Dwight Schrute
Photo of Phyllis
We bury him?
Wrong. Ehh. Check for an organ donor card. If he has one, we only have minutes to harvest.
Photo of Dwight Schrute
Photo of Creed Bratton
He has no wallet, I checked.
He is an organ donor.
Photo of Michael Scott
Photo of Dwight Schrute
He is.
Yeah.
Photo of Michael Scott
Photo of Dwight Schrute
Get me some ice and a styrofoam bucket. pulls out knife from holder that is attached to his leg Here we go.
Oh my God! Dwight!
Photo of Angela Martin
Photo of Kelly Kapoor
Dwight!
What are you– people are yelling What are you doing?
Photo of Angela Martin
Photo of Dwight Schrute
We search for the organs. Where’s the heart? The precious heart.
I’m not feeling well. I need to sit down.
Photo of Stanley Hudson
Photo of Michael Scott
Hey, Stanley.
Stanley.
Photo of Andy Bernard
Photo of Michael Scott
Are you okay?
Oh my God! Dwight has cut the face off the CPR dummy and put it over his own
Photo of Angela Martin
Photo of Stanley Hudson
Oh my God!
Dwight!
Photo of Angela Martin
Photo of Dwight Schrute
Clarice?
Oh my God!
Photo of Stanley Hudson

Photo of David Wallace
Could you tell me why you had to cut the face off the dummy?
I didn’t think it was very realistic in the movie and it turns out, it’s pretty realistic.
Photo of Dwight Schrute
Photo of David Wallace
We had to pay for it. Cost us thirty five hundred dollars.
Five thousand three hundred dollars for a dummy?
Photo of Michael Scott
Photo of Dwight Schrute
Wow.
Okay, look. David, this is why we have training. We start with the dummy, and we learn from our mistakes. And now Dwight knows not to cut the face off of a real person.
Photo of Michael Scott

Photo of Andy Bernard
Hope you brought your appetitos. My lady. My tuna. A little movie popcorn. dumps popcorn in bowl, it’s almost all seeds Uh, damn it. This movie, a lot of buzz. Not coming out for another six months. Mrs. Albert Hannaday. So, friendship with the Nard-dog has its privileges.

We don’t normally download films illegally. Because we’re honest, hardworking people.
Photo of Pam Beesley
Photo of Jim Halpert
And we don’t know how.
But Andy does, so we have to watch it with him.
Photo of Pam Beesley
Photo of Jim Halpert
Punishment fits the crime.

movie I want you to meet my nana. Nana…
Jessica Alba
Lily
Mmmhmm…
This is Sam.
Jessica Alba
Sam
Hi. Nice to meet you Mrs. Hannaday.
Please– Call me Lily. light chuckle Let’s play Bridge. You can be my partner.
Lily
Sam
Alright… Lily.

after Pam checks her cell phone What’s going on?
Photo of Jim Halpert

Photo of Jim Halpert
Uh, no one really knows, but Pam’s parents are going through a little bit of a rough patch in their marriage.

My dad spent the night at our place last night. My parents have been fighting for weeks and… it kinda sucks. Jim’s been great. But I’m gonna need to buy my dad a robe.
Photo of Pam Beesley

Photo of Pam Beesley
He’s not saying what he needs to say.
Hmm? Who? Sam?
Photo of Andy Bernard
Photo of Pam Beesley
Yeah.
I mean, they just need to communicate, you know? If they said to each other what they’re saying to everyone else, then–
Photo of Jim Halpert
Photo of Andy Bernard
Hmm.

Jim and Pam are, like, movie geniuses. They’re catching things that are totally going over my head.
Photo of Andy Bernard

Photo of Michael Scott
Hi, everyone. Corporate has given Dwight two strikes. They are very, very upset with him. So, as a disciplinary measure he is going to have to issue a formal apology. Dwight, have you prepared your statement of regret?
I have.
Photo of Dwight Schrute
Photo of Michael Scott
Let’s hear it.
clears throat “I state my regret.”
Photo of Dwight Schrute
Photo of Jim Halpert
You couldn’t of memorized that?
I could not, because I do not feel it. Okay, everyone. I am going to need you to sign this statement of regret as an acknowledgement that you heard it. Okay? Everyone come on up here. It’s not a big deal.
Photo of Dwight Schrute
Photo of Phyllis
It is a big deal. You almost killed Stanley.
Yeah, right. I filled him full of butter and sugar for 50 years and forced him not to exercise. Now, take a lesson from Stanley and jog on up here and sign this, okay? Make a line. Just form a line right here. Sign it! Sign it now!
Photo of Dwight Schrute

Photo of Pam Beesley
Hi dad. Yeah Jim has shaving cream, check our bathroom.

movie I’m in here.
Lily
Sam
I uh, I’m sorry I didn’t uh, realize you were in a bath. Do you want me to go?
I want you to stay.
Lily

Photo of Jim Halpert
Gimme a break.
I know it man. You know, Lilly was supposed to be Nicole Kidman, um and it was gonna be Sophie’s mom, not grandmother. But then Nicole kidman dropped out so they went with Lily, with a small rewrite.
Photo of Andy Bernard

Sam
movie Get that in there. Oh yeah.
Get that done already.
Lily
Sam
I know but if I get it in deeper…

to Pam Can you believe this? pause He was pretty talkative at breakfast.
Photo of Jim Halpert
Photo of Andy Bernard
Yeah… but… eh… breakfast? You mean when they were eating soup? I don’t think that was breakfast. Unless soup, does soup symbolize breakfast?
So he doesn’t share it with his daughter but he shares it with his daughter’s fiance?
Photo of Pam Beesley
Photo of Andy Bernard
You guys, they’re making out.

Hey.
Photo of Pam Beesley
Photo of Jim Halpert
Hey.
Um, did my dad say anything about my mom?
Photo of Pam Beesley
Photo of Jim Halpert
Mmm… nope, we mostly just talked about cereal.
sighs
Photo of Pam Beesley
Photo of Jim Halpert
What?
I dunno. I mean, maybe he’ll talk to you about some of this stuff ’cause he can’t really talk to me about it.
Photo of Pam Beesley
Photo of Jim Halpert
Mmm…
You’re good to talk to.
Photo of Pam Beesley
Photo of Jim Halpert
laughs I’m ok, I’m not, great, and um… nods

in a monk-impression tone Ohmmm… Ohmmm… Everybody sit on the floor Indian style like me. Meredtih sits Indian style in a dress exposing herself right in front of Michael Ohmmm my God if you’re wearing a dress please keep your knees together nobody wants to see that ohmmm… ohmmm…
Photo of Michael Scott

Photo of Michael Scott
My goal is to make this office as peaceful a place for Stanley Hudson as I can. I think sounds have a lot to do with that. Here are some downloaded peaceful sounds. a couple of sounds play on the computer That one makes me think… of death. It’s kinda nice…

everyone is lying on the floor in the conference room with the light off, Michael is walking around with a candle in his hand It is a beautiful, sunny day as we walk through the meadow that is very spiritual and relaxing and there are flowers and it is sunny and beautiful. Now, up ahead, a castle, in a distance.
Photo of Michael Scott
Photo of Jim Halpert
Don’t open your eyes.
What? opens her eyes, Michael is standing over her Oh…
Photo of Pam Beesley
Photo of Michael Scott
And you walk up toward the castle, and inside the castle are 4 men, and each of them, none of them have shoes, and they give you a funny cigarette, and you feel even more relaxed, and then you want ice cream. You want a big bowl of ice cream. What kind do you want? Shout it out.
Chunky monkey.
Photo of Meredith Palmer
Photo of Michael Scott
Too expensive.
Chocolate.
Photo of Stanley Hudson
Photo of Michael Scott
Racism is dead Stanley, you can have any kind of ice cream you want. What do you want? beeping starts What is that? People! Please I told you to get rid of the cell phones.
It’s my bio-feedback machine..
Photo of Stanley Hudson
Photo of Michael Scott
Oh, ok. What is that, like, a video game?
It alerts me when my stress level goes up so I can try to calm down.
Photo of Stanley Hudson
Photo of Michael Scott
You have stress?
Yes…
Photo of Stanley Hudson
Photo of Michael Scott
During our relaxation exercise?
Let me get you some water.
Photo of Phyllis
Photo of Michael Scott
No no, I’ll help you. I’ll help you up. Here we go.
No, Michael, No. beeping speeds up
Photo of Stanley Hudson
Photo of Michael Scott
Let me getcha.
Would ya, would ya step back please
Photo of Stanley Hudson
Photo of Michael Scott
Ok, alright.
Please. A little further.
Photo of Stanley Hudson
Photo of Michael Scott
Ok. beeping slows down
That’s better. Michael walks back towards Stanley and the beeping goes up again
Photo of Stanley Hudson
Photo of Michael Scott
Ok… I think that thing is on the fritz. Ahh… Oscar, would you reach over and touch his thing? That’s what HE said! Right guys, ’cause of gay? Oscar has Stanley’s monitor now Let’s give this a shot.
Hellloo… beeping speeds up as Michael gets closer
Photo of Michael Scott
Photo of Kevin Malone
Michael, I think you’re what’s stressing everybody out.

So… it wasn’t Dwight after all. Looks like I am the killer. You never expect that you’re the killer… it’s uh… great twist. Great twist.
Photo of Michael Scott

Photo of Pam Beesley
Dunder Mifflin this is Pam. Oh, hey Mom. No, what did Dad say?

What did you say to my dad?
Photo of Pam Beesley
Photo of Jim Halpert
What?
After you talked, he called my mom and said he was gonna look for an apartment.
Photo of Pam Beesley
Photo of Jim Halpert
Oh my God. Pam, I don’t know, I, nothing, truly, nothing. I mean, I, I just was honest with him and I, I’m so sorry, I don’t know. I’ll call him again. Pam rolls her eyes and walks away

Fifty percent of marriages end in divorce, so… it was her parents or my parents…
Photo of Jim Halpert

Photo of Pam Beesley
What could Jim have said to make my dad want to leave my mom? And at what point in our marriage is he gonna say it to me?

I don’t get it. Do I stress you out?
Photo of Michael Scott
Photo of Dwight Schrute
Nothing stresses me out. Except having to seek the approval of my inferiors.
Oh…
Photo of Michael Scott
Photo of Dwight Schrute
Speaking of which… hands Michael the paper to sign for Dwight’s formal apology
Remember when people used to say boss, when they were describing something that was really cool like, those shoulder pads are really boss man… Look at that perm, that perm is so boss. It’s what made me want to become a boss. And I looked so good in a perm and shoulder pads. But now, boss is just slang for jerk in charge.
Photo of Michael Scott

Photo of Michael Scott
Ok everybody, I’ve figured it out. The reason that you are all so stressed around me is that you are too intimidated to tell me what you really think. Jim shakes his head at the camera You are keeping these feelings inside, and that is what’s causing stress. So, what is the solution? Solution is honesty, laughter, and comedy. In short…
A vacation.
Photo of Kelly Kapoor
Photo of Michael Scott
What? No. No, I am talking about a roast! Of Michael Scott! Oh c’mon! Who here has the Comedy Central Roast channel? You’ve seen it right? Everybody gets together, and everyone starts hurling insults at the one guy, and everybody’s laughing, and everybody’s hugging each other…
Michael are you serious? You really want us to roast you?
Photo of Oscar Martinez
Photo of Michael Scott
Si senor.
That’s offensive.
Photo of Oscar Martinez
Photo of Michael Scott
It’s not! It’s not offensive during a roast! Anything goes! I want you guys to really get crackin on this. I want you to take me down. Don’t hold back. I want you to really make fun of anything about me. It could be my race, could be the fact that I’m so fit, or I’m a womanizer… fair game. Whatever. I don’t want to write your stuff for you, but I just want it to be good.

giggling Oh my GOD… Oh man… Ohhhhh my God…
Photo of Kevin Malone

Photo of Oscar Martinez
I consider myself a good person. But I’m gonna try to make him cry.

I can already feel people’s stress starting to melt. I think they’re very excited about paying their respects this way. I have got to make sure that YouTube comes down to tape this.
Photo of Michael Scott

Photo of Dwight Schrute
May I have your attention please? Sign in, sign in on the sign in sheet, the clipboard. This meeting is mandatory, if you do not sign in your name will not be counted. Thank you.
Hey, this is your apology letter.
Photo of Phyllis
Photo of Dwight Schrute
That was the last signature I needed.
Whoo!! Welcome welcome welcome welcome welcome. You are all jerks. Just kidding, not yet anyway. Welcome to the roast of Mr. Michael Scott. If you’re here for the Grabowski wedding, it is the second door on the left. Creed looks around So, we all know how these work, needs to get crazy, take your best shot. I am going to sit right here on my chair and… ah… whoever wants to come up and roast me, you may. Angela jumps up Ok… lower the mic for the midget.
Photo of Michael Scott
Photo of Angela Martin
If you ever wondered if you were Michael Scott, here’s a quiz to help. If you ever put sunblock on a window, you might be Michael Scott. laughter

I normally don’t enjoy making people laugh. grin
Photo of Angela Martin

Photo of Angela Martin
If you ever called the fire department ’cause your head was stuck in your chair you might be…
Michael Scott! laughter
Photo of Group
Photo of Michael Scott
Hey Hey, I don’t go make burgers where you work and then tell you how to make burgers. Ha ha!

I have made a list of people that I would make out with before I would make out with Michael Scott. A turtle, a fridge, anybody from the warehouse, a woodchipper, Kevin, a candle, and Lord Voldemort. Anyway, Happy Birthday Michael.
Photo of Kelly Kapoor
Photo of Michael Scott
You’re so lucky! Good one… clapping

Michael? You ran over me with your car. You posted a picture of my bare boobs on the bulletin board with a caption that said “Gross”…
Photo of Meredith Palmer
Photo of Michael Scott
Well…
Michael, you are the reason I drink. You are the reason I live to forget.
Photo of Meredith Palmer
Photo of Michael Scott
Pow pow pow… hands making gunshot impression, sporadic clapping

yelling at Michael in Spanish
Photo of Oscar Martinez

Photo of Michael Scott
Toby tries to come on stage NO! No, friends only. Friends ONLY. Toby shrugs and sits back down

Several times a day, Michael says words that are way beyond my vocabulary.
Photo of Jim Halpert
Photo of Michael Scott
I know where this is goin’.
Do ya?
Photo of Jim Halpert
Photo of Michael Scott
No…
Ok. Remember Spider face?
Photo of Jim Halpert
Photo of Michael Scott
No.
OK. ‘Cause the quote was, cut off your nose to spiderface.
Photo of Jim Halpert
Photo of Michael Scott
Spite her – ok laughter
Yeah… yep.
Photo of Jim Halpert

Photo of Dwight Schrute
How dare you all attack him like this.
Oh, stop it Dwight.
Photo of Michael Scott
Photo of Dwight Schrute
Michael is your superior.
No no no no no no!
Photo of Michael Scott
Photo of Dwight Schrute
Okay, you should be bowing down in front of him.
Dwight your’e supposed to do it this way.
Photo of Michael Scott
Photo of Dwight Schrute
Ok, no, they don’t understand who they have…
That is the way you’re supposed to do it, idiot.
Photo of Michael Scott
Photo of Dwight Schrute
You’re interrupting me. I’m trying to get your back.
Idiot. Idiot! Idiot. Idiot.
Photo of Michael Scott
Photo of Dwight Schrute
Are you calling me an idiot?
Idiot.
Photo of Michael Scott
Photo of Dwight Schrute
Don’t you ever talk to me that way. You pathetic, short little man. You don’t have any friends, or any family, or any land. clapping and whooing

Well I just want to take a minute to talk to you all about something very serious. Once every hour, someone is involved in an internet scam. That man is Michael Scott. laughter He’s supporting about 20 Nigerian princesses.
Photo of Pam Beesley
Photo of Michael Scott
Hey, ya know what? Forgive me for caring. Right?
Well, ya know, Michael is a great delegator. He never does any work himself. Ever. And one time, I walked in on him naked, and his thing is so small. quickly walks off stage If it were an iPod it would be a shuffle! clapping, laughter
Photo of Pam Beesley
Photo of Michael Scott
Can I make just a little announcement. In a professional roast, usually the roaster will say something nice about the roastee after they’re done, something about how much they love them, so, just, keep that in mind.

Mike claims, we’re all a family isn’t that right?
Photo of Darryl Phylbin
Photo of Michael Scott
We are, we are a family.
Ok, so um, what’s his name? All the way in the back there.
Photo of Darryl Phylbin
Photo of Michael Scott
Oh very funny.
What’s his name?
Photo of Darryl Phylbin
Photo of Michael Scott
Uhh… hehe hah! I’m thinking Roy?
Roy left years ago. What’s his name?
Photo of Darryl Phylbin
Photo of Michael Scott
I don’t believe I have had the pleasure.
Michael I gave you a ride home last week, we spent an hour in traffic…
Warehouse Michael
Photo of Darryl Phylbin
What’s his name?
Jefferson.
Photo of Michael Scott
Photo of Darryl Phylbin
Nope. His name is Michael. Michael makes the da dum ksch on the drumset again

singing and playing the guitar What I hate about you, you really suck as a boss, you’re the laziest, jerkiest and you’re dumber than applesauce. We’re stuck listening to you all day, Stanley tried to die just to get away, heeey, well it’s true. That’s what I hate about you. That’s what I hate about you. Yeah. And now, a man that deserves no introduction, Michael Scott.
Photo of Andy Bernard
Photo of Michael Scott
Haha ha. Thank you very much, thank you. That was great. Great job, great laughs. Really, really went after my intelligence there. clears throat Dozens of online IQ test might prove you wrong, but, and my thing isn’t tiny, its average, so… get your facts straight. clears throat again So when I heard that there was going to be a roast in my honor, I thought choking up, clears throat again sorry. laughs nervously I think I have a frog in my throat. Um… sigh I decided to jot down some quick thoughts about you people, um, first up Phyllis and Kevin. Uh um… Michael walks off stage, knocking over the snare drum

Dunder Mifflin this is Pam. Uh, I’m sorry, Michael’s not here right now can I take a message? Great. I will. Thanks.
Photo of Pam Beesley

Photo of Dwight Schrute
It’s very unusual for Michael not to show up to work. My guess? He’s either deeply depressed, or an icicle has snapped off his roof and impaled his brain. He has this terrible habit of standing directly underneath them and staring up at them. And I always say Michael, take two steps back, and stare at the icicle from the side. And he’s like no, I like the way they look from standing directly underneath them.

in the lunch room, with a sock puppet He is so dumb that he tries to put his M&Ms in alphabetical order. giggles
Photo of Kevin Malone
Photo of Oscar Martinez
Alright Kevin. Enough with the Michael jokes. I think he got it bad enough yesterday.
I’m almost done.
Photo of Kevin Malone
Photo of Oscar Martinez
That reeks, and I’m trying to eat.
Attention everyone I just got a text from Michael. He says personnel day. Are we hiring?
Photo of Dwight Schrute
Photo of Jim Halpert
Yep. You’re being replaced.
I think he meant personal day.
Photo of Pam Beesley
Photo of Dwight Schrute
Oh, that’s quite a leap Pam.
I hope he’s ok, I feel bad.
Photo of Phyllis
Photo of Creed Bratton
Give it up, he’s dead.
He just sent a text…
Photo of Jim Halpert
Photo of Creed Bratton
What’s a text?

at a park throwing whole pieces of bread Caw… caw… caw caw… caw…
Photo of Michael Scott

Photo of Michael Scott
You know sometimes, to get perspective, I like to think about a spaceman on a star incredibly far away. And, our problems don’t matter to him, because we’re just a distant point of light. But he feels sorry for me, because he has an incredibly powerful microscope, and he can see my face. looks towards the sky I’m okay. No, I’m not.

Phyllis there’s a package for you.
Photo of Pam Beesley
Photo of Phyllis
Oh, ok. Phyllis signs for the package, opens an empty box
after snatching the clipboard with her signature Got it.
Photo of Dwight Schrute

Lily
movie Sam, Sam Sam. It’s not that you dumped my granddaughter, and its not that you want children. It, it’s that you lied to me. Can’t you see that? Can’t you see? Oh, I can never trust you. Andy looks like he’s going to cry
Lilly no. Lilly! Lilly please! Lilly STOP! I don’t care how much time we have left. I don’t care what my friends say! And I don’t care what your mom thinks! Frankly I’m pretty sure she’s not makin any sense. Please. Move back to my apartment. Andy’s crying, “I’m All Out of Love” starts playing Lilly. I’m not giving up. I’m not giving up. Lilly… Lilly! Push the reverse button! Reverse the button!
Sam
Photo of Andy Bernard
through tears Sam! Sam!

Hey Dad. No I know, Mom told me. Ok. Yeah I’ll see ya then.
Photo of Pam Beesley

Photo of Jim Halpert
So what did he say? Was it my fault?
Yeah. He said that you told him how much you love me. About how you feel when I walk in a room, and about how, you’ve never doubted for a second that I’m the woman you want to spend the rest of your life with. I guess he’s never felt that with my mom, even at their best.
Photo of Pam Beesley
Photo of Jim Halpert
You ok?
Yeah. they hug
Photo of Pam Beesley

Photo of Pam Beesley
When you’re a kid you assume your parents are soul mates. My kids are gonna be right about that. I guess it also means that sometimes love affairs look different to the people inside them. Andy is in the background, looks incredulous

I am not insightful enough to be a movie critic. Mm… maybe I could be a food critic. These muffins taste bad. Hmm, or an art critic. That painting is bad.
Photo of Andy Bernard

Photo of Pam Beesley
Michael! It’s really good to see you.
Hey. Why are you wearing a turtleneck?
Photo of Dwight Schrute
Photo of Jim Halpert
Are you alright?
Michael, I feel like I was a little harsh yesterday. murmurs of agreement
Photo of Oscar Martinez
Photo of Michael Scott
I um, I spent the afternoon in the park trying to feed the pigeons, I guess they all flew west for the winter, and I, I just had some thoughts that I wanted to share with you people.
What?
Photo of Pam Beesley
Photo of Michael Scott
Well I wrote them down so I wouldn’t forget. Jim, you’re 6’11 and you weigh 90 pounds, Gumby has a better body than you. Boom. Roasted. Dwight, you’re a kiss ass. Boom. Roasted. Pam, you failed art school. Boom. Roasted. Meredith, you’ve slept with so many guys you’re starting to look like one. Boom. Roasted. Kevin, I can’t decide between a fat joke and a dumb joke. Boom. Roasted. Creed, you’re teeth called, your breath stinks. Boom. Roasted. Angela where’s Angela? Angela raises her hand Whoa there you are, I didn’t see you there behind that grain of rice. Boom. Roasted. Stanley, you crush your wife during sex and your heart sucks. Boom. Roasted. Oscar, you are… Stanley is laughing Oscar, you’re gay.
Wow.
Photo of Oscar Martinez
Photo of Michael Scott
Andy, Cornell called, they think you suck. And you’re gayer than Oscar. Boom. Roasted. Stanley is still laughing Alright. Alright everybody, you know I kid, you know I kid. You guys are the reason I went into the paper business, so, uh, goodnight, God bless, God bless America, and get home safe. clapping and murmurs of appreciation

They say that laughter is the best medicine so Stanley, you can throw away those pills. You are cured. Actually, you should… better hold onto them pills, just in case.
Photo of Michael Scott

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