Stress Relief - The Office (Season 5, Episode 14/15)

Dwight is annoyed that nobody in the office paid attention to his fire safety seminar last week so he tries another approach. He seals the office exits, cuts the phone lines and starts a fire in a trash can. Once Pam spots the smoke from the trash can fire, the office goes into a panic.

Even as Dwight is calmly trying to explain the safety procedures, people are going bonkers. They're smashing windows, crawling through the ceiling, and smashing office equipment. When Dwight reveals it was just a drill, Stanley collapses - he's suffered a heart attack.

It doesn't take long for Dwight to be reprimanded by David Wallace. As a result, Michael strips Dwight of his position as safety officer. Once Stanley is released from the hospital, he's warned by his doctors to keep his stress levels under control or risk further damaging his health.

Michael arranges for a CPR training session for the employees, but it doesn't go as planned (obviously). Everyone gets distracted and Dwight ends up destroying the CPR dummy (trying to harvest its organs) and even cuts its face off and wears it a la Silence of the Lambs.

David Wallace orders Dwight to apologize to his co-workers and get signatures acknowledging that they forgive him. His apology is insincere and he denies responsiblility for Stanley's heart attack causing everyone to refuse to sign. Michael then tries to calm the workers down with yoga and meditation session... but Michael finds out that he's the source of stress within the office.

Pam's parents are going through a rough patch in their marriage, and Pam’s father is staying with her and Jim. Pam asks Jim to talk to her father and convince him to work things out with her mother. Shortly after they talk, Pam learns that her father is seeking a separation and is looking for his own apartment. Pam assumes it is because of something Jim said to her father, and blames him for her parent's breakup.

Pam later finds out it was the conversation her father and Jim had that made him leave her mother... but for the sweetest reason ever. Jim told her father how much he loves Pam, and her father realized that he had never felt that way about her mother

Michael believes the employees are stressed because they are reluctant to express their feelings, so he organizes a comedy roast of himself in the warehouse. Everyone in the office participates in the roast and Michael initially seems to enjoy the jokes... but later they hit home and he grows increasingly hurt. When it comes time for him to roast his employees, Michael ends up storming out of the warehouse.

The day after the roast, Michael takes a personal day. Everyone in the office is worried that they may have taken the roast too far. When Michael returns to the office, he roasts each of his co-workers with one-liners. When Michael roasts Stanley, he says "Stanley, you crush your wife during sex, and your heart sucks" and Stanley can't stop laughing. Michael tells his employees that they are the reason he got into the paper business, and they applaud him.

Best Funny Quotes From The Office - Stress Relief

Last week I gave a fire safety talk. clears throat And nobody paid any attention. It’s my own fault for using PowerPoint. PowerPoint is boring. People learn in a lot of different ways, but experience is the best teacher. lights a cigarette Today, smoking is gonna save lives. throws cigarette into garbage can filled with paper and lighter fluid
Photo of Dwight Schrute

Photo of Dwight Schrute
looking around office to see if anyone notices the smoke Does anyone smell anything smoky?
Did you bring your jerky in again?
Photo of Angela Martin
Photo of Dwight Schrute
clears throat
points to smoke Oh, my God! Uh, Oh my God!
Photo of Pam Beesley
Photo of Phyllis
What–
Whoa, fire!
Photo of Andy Bernard
Photo of Dwight Schrute
Oh, fire! Oh my goodness! What’s the procedure? What do we do, people?
The phones are dead.
Photo of Pam Beesley
Photo of Dwight Schrute
Oh, how did that happen?
It’s out in the hall.
Photo of Kevin Malone
Photo of Dwight Schrute
No, we don’t know that. The smoke could be coming through an air duct.
Oh my God! Okay, it happening. Everybody stay calm.
Photo of Michael Scott
Photo of Dwight Schrute
What’s the procedure, everyone? What’s the procedure?
Stay bleep calm!
Photo of Michael Scott
Photo of Dwight Schrute
Wait, wait, wait.
Everyone, now bleep calm down!
Photo of Michael Scott
Photo of Dwight Schrute
No! No, Michael! No! Touch the handle. If it’s hot, there could be a fire in the hallway.
What does warm mean?
Photo of Michael Scott
Photo of Everyone
groaning Oh my God.
Not a viable option.
Photo of Dwight Schrute
Photo of Pam Beesley
Try a different door.
Okay, what’s next?
Photo of Dwight Schrute
Photo of Michael Scott
Don’t run.
Oh! Here’s a door. Check that one out. How’s the handle?
Photo of Dwight Schrute
Photo of Andy Bernard
It– it’s warm.
Well, uh, another option. everyone chattering at once
Photo of Dwight Schrute
Photo of Jim Halpert
Back door.
Back to our options. Jeez! Ok! settle down everyone. No bunching!
Photo of Dwight Schrute
Photo of Phyllis
Oh! I forgot my purse.
Leave it woman!
Photo of Stanley Hudson
Photo of Michael Scott
Get out of the way! Go, go, go!
Things can be replaced, Phyllis! People, human lives, however, can…
Photo of Dwight Schrute
Photo of Oscar Martinez
Ah! My hand! That’s hot!
Aah! This ones hot too!
Photo of Andy Bernard
Photo of Michael Scott
Okay, we’re trapped. Everyone for himself.
Okay, let’s go.
Photo of Dwight Schrute
Photo of Everyone
shouting Out of my way! Let’s go. Get out of my way!
Calm, please
Photo of Dwight Schrute
Photo of Andy Bernard
Get out of the way!
Have you ever seen a burn victim?
Photo of Dwight Schrute
Photo of Andy Bernard
Move it!
Okay! Procedure, procedure. Exit options. Where do we go folks? Wha– Use a what to cover the mouth?
Photo of Dwight Schrute
Photo of Angela Martin
pulling cat out of filing drawer It’s okay. Shh shhh.
A what? A rag. A damp rag, perhaps. Let’s remember those procedures. What are the options? Okay, that’s the wrong way. We’ve already tried that. Remember your exit points. Exit points people.
Photo of Dwight Schrute
Photo of Angela Martin
Oscar.
What’s next?
Photo of Dwight Schrute
Photo of Angela Martin
Oscar!
Stay alive! I’m getting help!
Photo of Oscar Martinez
Photo of Angela Martin
Pull me up!
You’re too heavy!
Photo of Oscar Martinez
Photo of Angela Martin
I only weigh 82 pounds! Uh– save Bandit! throws cat into air duct and he falls out through the other side Oh!
How about 911? Anyone? 911. Michael throws a chair at the window, Kevin smashes a chair through the vending machine and begins to grab snacks, everyone is shouting.
Photo of Dwight Schrute
Photo of Pam Beesley
What do we do?
Use the surge of fear and adrenaline to sharpen your decision-making.
Photo of Dwight Schrute
Photo of Jim Halpert
Okay, I am not dying here. Come on. everyone is coughing from the smoke, Dwight lights some fire crackers and they start popping
What is that? What is that?
Photo of Angela Martin
Photo of Andy Bernard
The fire’s shooting at us!
What in the name of God is going on?!
Photo of Phyllis
Photo of Andy Bernard
Yes! Dwight pulls fire alarm Yes, ba– Yes, battering ram! Battering ram!
Ahhhh!!! Oscar’s leg crashes through the ceiling
Phyllis and Creed
Photo of Andy Bernard
Go, go, go, go, go!! Andy and Jim ram the door with the copy machine
throws the projector out the window Help!! Help!!
Photo of Michael Scott
Photo of Stanley Hudson
I’m about to die!
blowing air horn Attention everyone! Employees of Dunder Mifflin! This has been a test of our emergency preparedness. There is no fire. It was only a simulation.
Photo of Dwight Schrute
Photo of Jim Halpert
What?!
Fire not real. This was merely a training exercise. Oscar drops down from the ceiling So, what have we learned? Stanley falls to the floor Oh come on. It’s not real Stanley. Don’t have a heart attack.
Photo of Dwight Schrute
Photo of Michael Scott
No, no, no! You will not die! Stanley! Stanley! You will not die! Stanley! Stanley! Barack is president! You are black, Stanley! I’m gonna give him mouth to mouth.
No, no, no! Don’t give him mouth to mouth for this!
Photo of Jim Halpert
Photo of Michael Scott
He’s going to swallow is tongue.
No. Michael. Michael.
Photo of Jim Halpert
Photo of Michael Scott
Open your mouth. Come on. Don’t swallow it.
everyone shouting at once Michael! Michael!
Photo of Jim Halpert
Photo of Michael Scott
Leave me al–
You’re choking him!
Photo of Andy Bernard
Photo of Michael Scott
Saving him!

How could you possibly think this is a good idea?
Photo of David Wallace
Photo of Dwight Schrute
A lot of ideas were not appreciated in their time.
Electricity.
Photo of Michael Scott
Photo of Dwight Schrute
Shampoo.
You could have burned down the whole building.
Photo of David Wallace
Photo of Dwight Schrute
I just want to say for the record, I did not kill anyone. Stanley was attacked by his own heart. And he should be released from the hospital and back in the office in a couple days.
Did you shout, “Fire!”, causing a panic?
Lawyer
Photo of Dwight Schrute
Yes I shouted “fire!”. I shouted many things! I also shouted instructions on how to get out of the building, so you can imagine my frustration as safety officer when nobody would heed of what– heeded–
Hed. Hedded
Photo of Michael Scott
Photo of Dwight Schrute
When no one hedded–
Take hedded of.
Photo of Michael Scott
Photo of Dwight Schrute
N-no one would take hedded of my instructions.
Heed. Heed.
Photo of Michael Scott
Photo of Dwight Schrute
So, you–
Take heed of.
Photo of Michael Scott
Photo of Dwight Schrute
And, well, I don’t see my co-workers–
Take heed of.
Photo of Michael Scott
Photo of Dwight Schrute
Hee-heeding this right now.
Wh–what?
Lawyer
Photo of Michael Scott
Okay. walks to the window, sighs This city. Dwight. We are not mad, we are just disappointed.
No, we are mad.
Photo of David Wallace
Photo of Michael Scott
Yes. We are. We are livid. But we are going to let this one slide.
No, we’re not.
Photo of David Wallace
Photo of Michael Scott
I am not a mind reader, David.
Look, this is very serious offense. We have cause to fire you.
Photo of David
Michel
Can you shove down? Instead… shove down, please. Instead, what I think we should do is strip of your title as safety officer.
No.
Photo of Dwight Schrute
Photo of Michael Scott
And we should take a part of his pay and donate it the charity of your choice. Something that Dwight doesn’t like.
PETA.
Photo of Dwight Schrute
Photo of David Wallace
Michael, you have to take responsibility here. One of your employees had a heart attack. He could have died, because of the way that you are allowing your office to run. Do you want that on your conscious?
Do you?
Photo of Michael Scott
Photo of David Wallace
Michael?
You talking to me?
Photo of Michael Scott
Photo of David Wallace
Yeah.
What?
Photo of Michael Scott

Photo of Dwight Schrute
Well… I guess we papered over that pretty nicely. chuckles It always amuses me when corporate thinks they can make some big change with a twenty minute meeting in some fancy high-rise. What’s the matter? You hungry?
sighs No, Dwight. I am worried. A man’s life is in my hands.
Photo of Michael Scott
Photo of Dwight Schrute
Don’t you worry about that. I got it covered. Okay?
Yeah.
Photo of Michael Scott
Photo of Dwight Schrute
I am planning a bomb scare that should really get the blood pumping.
That’s not gonna happen. I’m taking over as safety man.
Photo of Michael Scott
Photo of Dwight Schrute
What? You?
Yes.
Photo of Michael Scott
Photo of Dwight Schrute
Come on.
I’m a smart guy. I’ll figure it out.
Photo of Michael Scott
Photo of Dwight Schrute
That’s preposterous.
No, I will.
Photo of Michael Scott

Photo of Michael Scott
Nobody should have to go to work thinking, “Oh, this is the place that I might die today.” That’s what a hospital is for. An office is for not dying. An office is a place to live life to the fullest, to the max, to… An office is a place where dreams come true.

Shhh! Don’t excite him. Don’t make him excitable. whispering Welcome back, Stanley.
Photo of Michael Scott
Photo of Stanley Hudson
Thank you, Michael.

It’s true. Around this office, in the past, I have been a little abrupt with people…
Photo of Stanley Hudson

Photo of Stanley Hudson
flashback Not maybe. Yes or no.
flashback No way. Uh-uh.
Photo of Stanley Hudson
Photo of Stanley Hudson
flashback Are you from another planet?
flashback Boy, have you lost your mind? ‘Cause I’ll help you find it.
Photo of Stanley Hudson
Photo of Stanley Hudson
flashback Did I stutter?
flashback I’m done. Goodbye.
Photo of Stanley Hudson

Photo of Stanley Hudson
But the doctor said if I can’t find a new way to relate more positively to my surroundings I’m going to die.

Andy.
Photo of Michael Scott
Photo of Andy Bernard
in a British accent A throne for your highness.
I’m not sitting in a wheelchair.
Photo of Stanley Hudson
Photo of Michael Scott
No, no, no. No debate. You are going to sit in that wheelchair until you are back on your feet.

I’m going to die.
Photo of Stanley Hudson

CPR trainer
A-B-C. Okay? And hat stands for… airway, breathing and circulation.
Okay, you know what? That could be a little confusing, because in sales A-B-C means “always be closing.”
Photo of Michael Scott
Photo of Dwight Schrute
This is a farce. I should be teaching this course.
Shut it. Shut it.
Photo of Michael Scott

Photo of Michael Scott
We found ourselves on the less prepared side of things when Stanley had his… when his heart went berserk. And I knew exactly what to do, but in a much more real sense I had no idea what to do. So I thought we should have CPR training class and of course you can’t get the practice dummy unless the instructor comes along with it. Red Cross, you know, racket.

giving chest compressions to the practice dummy I can’t keep doing this forever.
Photo of Kevin Malone
CPR Trainer
It’s been 20 seconds.
Call it.
Photo of Kevin Malone
CPR Trainer
Would you like to try next?
Absolutely I would not.
Photo of Dwight Schrute
Photo of Michael Scott
You know who I really think should go? Stanley.
Oh, I don’t know.
Photo of Stanley Hudson
Photo of Phyllis
That’s not a good idea, Michael.
Come on.
Photo of Michael Scott
Photo of Phyllis
He needs to rest.
No rest for the sick. We are not always going to be there to coddle your heart back when it disappears to be working. What are you gonna do if you’re by yourself and your heart stops?
Photo of Michael Scott
Photo of Stanley Hudson
I would die.
And you’re okay with that?
Photo of Michael Scott
Photo of Stanley Hudson
I’m okay with the logic of it.
Uh-uh. No, no, no. Come on. Get up. Let’s do this.
Photo of Michael Scott

Photo of Stanley Hudson
Yes. I had a heart attack. I would quit, but I’m too old to find another job and I don’t have enough saved to retire. I feel like I’m working in my own casket.

Come on Stanley. You’re losing you. You’re losing you. Do it!
Photo of Michael Scott
Photo of Angela Martin
Michael!
This is you we’re talking about.
Photo of Michael Scott
Photo of Angela Martin
Michael.
Okay, okay. I’ll show them. Here we go. whispers Stanley. All right.
Photo of Michael Scott
CPR Trainer
So, assessing the situation. Are they breathing?
No, Rose. They are not breathing. And they have no arms or legs.
Photo of Michael Scott
Rose
No, that’s not part of it.
Where are they? You know what? If we come across somebody with no arms or legs do we bother resuscitating them? I mean, what kind of quality of life do we have there?
Photo of Michael Scott
Photo of Kevin Malone
I would want to live with no legs.
How about no arms? No arms or legs is basically how you exist right now, Kevin. You don’t do anything.
Photo of Michael Scott
Rose
All right, well, lets get back to it. ‘Cause you’re losing him. Okay, too fast. Everyone, we need to pump at a pace of a 100 beats per minute .
okay, that’s uh, hard to keep track. How many is that per hour?
Photo of Michael Scott
Photo of Jim Halpert
How’s that gonna help you?
I will divide and then count to it.
Photo of Michael Scott
Photo of Jim Halpert
Right.
Okay. Well, a good trick is to pump to the tune of ‘Staying Alive’ by the Bee Gees. Do you know that song?
Rose
Photo of Michael Scott
Yes, yes I do. I love that song. clears throat, begins to sing First I was afraid, I was petrified.
No, it’s–Ah, Ah, Ah, Ah, stayin’ alive, stayin’ alive.
Rose
Photo of Michael Scott
Okay, I got it.
to Rose You were in the parking lot earlier. That’s how I know you.
Photo of Creed Bratton
Photo of Michael Scott
Ah, Ah, Ah, Ah, stayin’ alive, stayin’ alive Andy joins in Ah, Ah, Ah, Ah, stayin’ alive, stayin’ alive.
Ah, Ah, Ah, Ah…
Photo of Michael Scott
Photo of Andy Bernard
Oh you can tell by the way I use my walk I’m a woman’s man, no time to talk. Music loud, women warm, been kicked around since I was born. Oh, it’s alright, it’s okay, Michael and Kelly join in you can look the other way. Loo do do!
Okay!
Rose
Photo of Andy Bernard
Da, da, da, da, da, da, da
Okay!
Rose
Photo of Everyone
muttering Stayin’ alive, stayin’ alive.
Yeah, okay. You didn’t maintain 100 beats per minute, and the ambulance didn’t arrive because nobody called 911. So you lost him.
Rose
Photo of Dwight Schrute
Okay, he’s dead. Anyone know what we do next? Anybody? Rose?
I have no idea.
Rose
Photo of Dwight Schrute
Anyone else?
We bury him?
Photo of Phyllis
Photo of Dwight Schrute
Wrong. Ehh. Check for an organ donor card. If he has one, we only have minutes to harvest.
He has no wallet, I checked.
Photo of Creed Bratton
Photo of Michael Scott
He is an organ donor.
He is.
Photo of Dwight Schrute
Photo of Michael Scott
Yeah.
Get me some ice and a styrofoam bucket. pulls out knife from holder that is attached to his leg Here we go.
Photo of Dwight Schrute
Photo of Angela Martin
Oh my God! Dwight!
Dwight!
Photo of Kelly Kapoor
Photo of Angela Martin
What are you– people are yelling What are you doing?
We search for the organs. Where’s the heart? The precious heart.
Photo of Dwight Schrute
Photo of Stanley Hudson
I’m not feeling well. I need to sit down.
Hey, Stanley.
Photo of Michael Scott
Photo of Andy Bernard
Stanley.
Are you okay?
Photo of Michael Scott
Photo of Angela Martin
Oh my God! Dwight has cut the face off the CPR dummy and put it over his own
Oh my God!
Photo of Stanley Hudson
Photo of Angela Martin
Dwight!
Clarice?
Photo of Dwight Schrute
Photo of Stanley Hudson
Oh my God!

Could you tell me why you had to cut the face off the dummy?
Photo of David Wallace
Photo of Dwight Schrute
I didn’t think it was very realistic in the movie and it turns out, it’s pretty realistic.
We had to pay for it. Cost us thirty five hundred dollars.
Photo of David Wallace
Photo of Michael Scott
Five thousand three hundred dollars for a dummy?
Wow.
Photo of Dwight Schrute
Photo of Michael Scott
Okay, look. David, this is why we have training. We start with the dummy, and we learn from our mistakes. And now Dwight knows not to cut the face off of a real person.

Hope you brought your appetitos. My lady. My tuna. A little movie popcorn. dumps popcorn in bowl, it’s almost all seeds Uh, damn it. This movie, a lot of buzz. Not coming out for another six months. Mrs. Albert Hannaday. So, friendship with the Nard-dog has its privileges.
Photo of Andy Bernard

Photo of Pam Beesley
We don’t normally download films illegally. Because we’re honest, hardworking people.
And we don’t know how.
Photo of Jim Halpert
Photo of Pam Beesley
But Andy does, so we have to watch it with him.
Punishment fits the crime.
Photo of Jim Halpert

Jessica Alba
movie I want you to meet my nana. Nana…
Mmmhmm…
Lily
Jessica Alba
This is Sam.
Hi. Nice to meet you Mrs. Hannaday.
Sam
Lily
Please– Call me Lily. light chuckle Let’s play Bridge. You can be my partner.
Alright… Lily.
Sam

Photo of Jim Halpert
after Pam checks her cell phone What’s going on?

Uh, no one really knows, but Pam’s parents are going through a little bit of a rough patch in their marriage.
Photo of Jim Halpert

Photo of Pam Beesley
My dad spent the night at our place last night. My parents have been fighting for weeks and… it kinda sucks. Jim’s been great. But I’m gonna need to buy my dad a robe.

He’s not saying what he needs to say.
Photo of Pam Beesley
Photo of Andy Bernard
Hmm? Who? Sam?
Yeah.
Photo of Pam Beesley
Photo of Jim Halpert
I mean, they just need to communicate, you know? If they said to each other what they’re saying to everyone else, then–
Hmm.
Photo of Andy Bernard

Photo of Andy Bernard
Jim and Pam are, like, movie geniuses. They’re catching things that are totally going over my head.

Hi, everyone. Corporate has given Dwight two strikes. They are very, very upset with him. So, as a disciplinary measure he is going to have to issue a formal apology. Dwight, have you prepared your statement of regret?
Photo of Michael Scott
Photo of Dwight Schrute
I have.
Let’s hear it.
Photo of Michael Scott
Photo of Dwight Schrute
clears throat “I state my regret.”
You couldn’t of memorized that?
Photo of Jim Halpert
Photo of Dwight Schrute
I could not, because I do not feel it. Okay, everyone. I am going to need you to sign this statement of regret as an acknowledgement that you heard it. Okay? Everyone come on up here. It’s not a big deal.
It is a big deal. You almost killed Stanley.
Photo of Phyllis
Photo of Dwight Schrute
Yeah, right. I filled him full of butter and sugar for 50 years and forced him not to exercise. Now, take a lesson from Stanley and jog on up here and sign this, okay? Make a line. Just form a line right here. Sign it! Sign it now!

Hi dad. Yeah Jim has shaving cream, check our bathroom.
Photo of Pam Beesley

Lily
movie I’m in here.
I uh, I’m sorry I didn’t uh, realize you were in a bath. Do you want me to go?
Sam
Lily
I want you to stay.

Gimme a break.
Photo of Jim Halpert
Photo of Andy Bernard
I know it man. You know, Lilly was supposed to be Nicole Kidman, um and it was gonna be Sophie’s mom, not grandmother. But then Nicole kidman dropped out so they went with Lily, with a small rewrite.

movie Get that in there. Oh yeah.
Sam
Lily
Get that done already.
I know but if I get it in deeper…
Sam

Photo of Jim Halpert
to Pam Can you believe this? pause He was pretty talkative at breakfast.
Yeah… but… eh… breakfast? You mean when they were eating soup? I don’t think that was breakfast. Unless soup, does soup symbolize breakfast?
Photo of Andy Bernard
Photo of Pam Beesley
So he doesn’t share it with his daughter but he shares it with his daughter’s fiance?
You guys, they’re making out.
Photo of Andy Bernard

Photo of Pam Beesley
Hey.
Hey.
Photo of Jim Halpert
Photo of Pam Beesley
Um, did my dad say anything about my mom?
Mmm… nope, we mostly just talked about cereal.
Photo of Jim Halpert
Photo of Pam Beesley
sighs
What?
Photo of Jim Halpert
Photo of Pam Beesley
I dunno. I mean, maybe he’ll talk to you about some of this stuff ’cause he can’t really talk to me about it.
Mmm…
Photo of Jim Halpert
Photo of Pam Beesley
You’re good to talk to.
laughs I’m ok, I’m not, great, and um… nods
Photo of Jim Halpert

Photo of Michael Scott
in a monk-impression tone Ohmmm… Ohmmm… Everybody sit on the floor Indian style like me. Meredtih sits Indian style in a dress exposing herself right in front of Michael Ohmmm my God if you’re wearing a dress please keep your knees together nobody wants to see that ohmmm… ohmmm…

My goal is to make this office as peaceful a place for Stanley Hudson as I can. I think sounds have a lot to do with that. Here are some downloaded peaceful sounds. a couple of sounds play on the computer That one makes me think… of death. It’s kinda nice…
Photo of Michael Scott

Photo of Michael Scott
everyone is lying on the floor in the conference room with the light off, Michael is walking around with a candle in his hand It is a beautiful, sunny day as we walk through the meadow that is very spiritual and relaxing and there are flowers and it is sunny and beautiful. Now, up ahead, a castle, in a distance.
Don’t open your eyes.
Photo of Jim Halpert
Photo of Pam Beesley
What? opens her eyes, Michael is standing over her Oh…
And you walk up toward the castle, and inside the castle are 4 men, and each of them, none of them have shoes, and they give you a funny cigarette, and you feel even more relaxed, and then you want ice cream. You want a big bowl of ice cream. What kind do you want? Shout it out.
Photo of Michael Scott
Photo of Meredith Palmer
Chunky monkey.
Too expensive.
Photo of Michael Scott
Photo of Stanley Hudson
Chocolate.
Racism is dead Stanley, you can have any kind of ice cream you want. What do you want? beeping starts What is that? People! Please I told you to get rid of the cell phones.
Photo of Michael Scott
Photo of Stanley Hudson
It’s my bio-feedback machine..
Oh, ok. What is that, like, a video game?
Photo of Michael Scott
Photo of Stanley Hudson
It alerts me when my stress level goes up so I can try to calm down.
You have stress?
Photo of Michael Scott
Photo of Stanley Hudson
Yes…
During our relaxation exercise?
Photo of Michael Scott
Photo of Phyllis
Let me get you some water.
No no, I’ll help you. I’ll help you up. Here we go.
Photo of Michael Scott
Photo of Stanley Hudson
No, Michael, No. beeping speeds up
Let me getcha.
Photo of Michael Scott
Photo of Stanley Hudson
Would ya, would ya step back please
Ok, alright.
Photo of Michael Scott
Photo of Stanley Hudson
Please. A little further.
Ok. beeping slows down
Photo of Michael Scott
Photo of Stanley Hudson
That’s better. Michael walks back towards Stanley and the beeping goes up again
Ok… I think that thing is on the fritz. Ahh… Oscar, would you reach over and touch his thing? That’s what HE said! Right guys, ’cause of gay? Oscar has Stanley’s monitor now Let’s give this a shot.
Photo of Michael Scott
Photo of Michael Scott
Hellloo… beeping speeds up as Michael gets closer
Michael, I think you’re what’s stressing everybody out.
Photo of Kevin Malone

Photo of Michael Scott
So… it wasn’t Dwight after all. Looks like I am the killer. You never expect that you’re the killer… it’s uh… great twist. Great twist.

Dunder Mifflin this is Pam. Oh, hey Mom. No, what did Dad say?
Photo of Pam Beesley

Photo of Pam Beesley
What did you say to my dad?
What?
Photo of Jim Halpert
Photo of Pam Beesley
After you talked, he called my mom and said he was gonna look for an apartment.
Oh my God. Pam, I don’t know, I, nothing, truly, nothing. I mean, I, I just was honest with him and I, I’m so sorry, I don’t know. I’ll call him again. Pam rolls her eyes and walks away
Photo of Jim Halpert

Photo of Jim Halpert
Fifty percent of marriages end in divorce, so… it was her parents or my parents…

What could Jim have said to make my dad want to leave my mom? And at what point in our marriage is he gonna say it to me?
Photo of Pam Beesley

Photo of Michael Scott
I don’t get it. Do I stress you out?
Nothing stresses me out. Except having to seek the approval of my inferiors.
Photo of Dwight Schrute
Photo of Michael Scott
Oh…
Speaking of which… hands Michael the paper to sign for Dwight’s formal apology
Photo of Dwight Schrute
Photo of Michael Scott
Remember when people used to say boss, when they were describing something that was really cool like, those shoulder pads are really boss man… Look at that perm, that perm is so boss. It’s what made me want to become a boss. And I looked so good in a perm and shoulder pads. But now, boss is just slang for jerk in charge.

Ok everybody, I’ve figured it out. The reason that you are all so stressed around me is that you are too intimidated to tell me what you really think. Jim shakes his head at the camera You are keeping these feelings inside, and that is what’s causing stress. So, what is the solution? Solution is honesty, laughter, and comedy. In short…
Photo of Michael Scott
Photo of Kelly Kapoor
A vacation.
What? No. No, I am talking about a roast! Of Michael Scott! Oh c’mon! Who here has the Comedy Central Roast channel? You’ve seen it right? Everybody gets together, and everyone starts hurling insults at the one guy, and everybody’s laughing, and everybody’s hugging each other…
Photo of Michael Scott
Photo of Oscar Martinez
Michael are you serious? You really want us to roast you?
Si senor.
Photo of Michael Scott
Photo of Oscar Martinez
That’s offensive.
It’s not! It’s not offensive during a roast! Anything goes! I want you guys to really get crackin on this. I want you to take me down. Don’t hold back. I want you to really make fun of anything about me. It could be my race, could be the fact that I’m so fit, or I’m a womanizer… fair game. Whatever. I don’t want to write your stuff for you, but I just want it to be good.
Photo of Michael Scott

Photo of Kevin Malone
giggling Oh my GOD… Oh man… Ohhhhh my God…

I consider myself a good person. But I’m gonna try to make him cry.
Photo of Oscar Martinez

Photo of Michael Scott
I can already feel people’s stress starting to melt. I think they’re very excited about paying their respects this way. I have got to make sure that YouTube comes down to tape this.

May I have your attention please? Sign in, sign in on the sign in sheet, the clipboard. This meeting is mandatory, if you do not sign in your name will not be counted. Thank you.
Photo of Dwight Schrute
Photo of Phyllis
Hey, this is your apology letter.
That was the last signature I needed.
Photo of Dwight Schrute
Photo of Michael Scott
Whoo!! Welcome welcome welcome welcome welcome. You are all jerks. Just kidding, not yet anyway. Welcome to the roast of Mr. Michael Scott. If you’re here for the Grabowski wedding, it is the second door on the left. Creed looks around So, we all know how these work, needs to get crazy, take your best shot. I am going to sit right here on my chair and… ah… whoever wants to come up and roast me, you may. Angela jumps up Ok… lower the mic for the midget.
If you ever wondered if you were Michael Scott, here’s a quiz to help. If you ever put sunblock on a window, you might be Michael Scott. laughter
Photo of Angela Martin

Photo of Angela Martin
I normally don’t enjoy making people laugh. grin

If you ever called the fire department ’cause your head was stuck in your chair you might be…
Photo of Angela Martin
Photo of Group
Michael Scott! laughter
Hey Hey, I don’t go make burgers where you work and then tell you how to make burgers. Ha ha!
Photo of Michael Scott

Photo of Kelly Kapoor
I have made a list of people that I would make out with before I would make out with Michael Scott. A turtle, a fridge, anybody from the warehouse, a woodchipper, Kevin, a candle, and Lord Voldemort. Anyway, Happy Birthday Michael.
You’re so lucky! Good one… clapping
Photo of Michael Scott

Photo of Meredith Palmer
Michael? You ran over me with your car. You posted a picture of my bare boobs on the bulletin board with a caption that said “Gross”…
Well…
Photo of Michael Scott
Photo of Meredith Palmer
Michael, you are the reason I drink. You are the reason I live to forget.
Pow pow pow… hands making gunshot impression, sporadic clapping
Photo of Michael Scott

Photo of Oscar Martinez
yelling at Michael in Spanish

Toby tries to come on stage NO! No, friends only. Friends ONLY. Toby shrugs and sits back down
Photo of Michael Scott

Photo of Jim Halpert
Several times a day, Michael says words that are way beyond my vocabulary.
I know where this is goin’.
Photo of Michael Scott
Photo of Jim Halpert
Do ya?
No…
Photo of Michael Scott
Photo of Jim Halpert
Ok. Remember Spider face?
No.
Photo of Michael Scott
Photo of Jim Halpert
OK. ‘Cause the quote was, cut off your nose to spiderface.
Spite her – ok laughter
Photo of Michael Scott
Photo of Jim Halpert
Yeah… yep.

How dare you all attack him like this.
Photo of Dwight Schrute
Photo of Michael Scott
Oh, stop it Dwight.
Michael is your superior.
Photo of Dwight Schrute
Photo of Michael Scott
No no no no no no!
Okay, you should be bowing down in front of him.
Photo of Dwight Schrute
Photo of Michael Scott
Dwight your’e supposed to do it this way.
Ok, no, they don’t understand who they have…
Photo of Dwight Schrute
Photo of Michael Scott
That is the way you’re supposed to do it, idiot.
You’re interrupting me. I’m trying to get your back.
Photo of Dwight Schrute
Photo of Michael Scott
Idiot. Idiot! Idiot. Idiot.
Are you calling me an idiot?
Photo of Dwight Schrute
Photo of Michael Scott
Idiot.
Don’t you ever talk to me that way. You pathetic, short little man. You don’t have any friends, or any family, or any land. clapping and whooing
Photo of Dwight Schrute

Photo of Pam Beesley
Well I just want to take a minute to talk to you all about something very serious. Once every hour, someone is involved in an internet scam. That man is Michael Scott. laughter He’s supporting about 20 Nigerian princesses.
Hey, ya know what? Forgive me for caring. Right?
Photo of Michael Scott
Photo of Pam Beesley
Well, ya know, Michael is a great delegator. He never does any work himself. Ever. And one time, I walked in on him naked, and his thing is so small. quickly walks off stage If it were an iPod it would be a shuffle! clapping, laughter
Can I make just a little announcement. In a professional roast, usually the roaster will say something nice about the roastee after they’re done, something about how much they love them, so, just, keep that in mind.
Photo of Michael Scott

Photo of Darryl Phylbin
Mike claims, we’re all a family isn’t that right?
We are, we are a family.
Photo of Michael Scott
Photo of Darryl Phylbin
Ok, so um, what’s his name? All the way in the back there.
Oh very funny.
Photo of Michael Scott
Photo of Darryl Phylbin
What’s his name?
Uhh… hehe hah! I’m thinking Roy?
Photo of Michael Scott
Photo of Darryl Phylbin
Roy left years ago. What’s his name?
I don’t believe I have had the pleasure.
Photo of Michael Scott
Warehouse Michael
Michael I gave you a ride home last week, we spent an hour in traffic…
What’s his name?
Photo of Darryl Phylbin
Photo of Michael Scott
Jefferson.
Nope. His name is Michael. Michael makes the da dum ksch on the drumset again
Photo of Darryl Phylbin

Photo of Andy Bernard
singing and playing the guitar What I hate about you, you really suck as a boss, you’re the laziest, jerkiest and you’re dumber than applesauce. We’re stuck listening to you all day, Stanley tried to die just to get away, heeey, well it’s true. That’s what I hate about you. That’s what I hate about you. Yeah. And now, a man that deserves no introduction, Michael Scott.
Haha ha. Thank you very much, thank you. That was great. Great job, great laughs. Really, really went after my intelligence there. clears throat Dozens of online IQ test might prove you wrong, but, and my thing isn’t tiny, its average, so… get your facts straight. clears throat again So when I heard that there was going to be a roast in my honor, I thought choking up, clears throat again sorry. laughs nervously I think I have a frog in my throat. Um… sigh I decided to jot down some quick thoughts about you people, um, first up Phyllis and Kevin. Uh um… Michael walks off stage, knocking over the snare drum
Photo of Michael Scott

Photo of Pam Beesley
Dunder Mifflin this is Pam. Uh, I’m sorry, Michael’s not here right now can I take a message? Great. I will. Thanks.

It’s very unusual for Michael not to show up to work. My guess? He’s either deeply depressed, or an icicle has snapped off his roof and impaled his brain. He has this terrible habit of standing directly underneath them and staring up at them. And I always say Michael, take two steps back, and stare at the icicle from the side. And he’s like no, I like the way they look from standing directly underneath them.
Photo of Dwight Schrute

Photo of Kevin Malone
in the lunch room, with a sock puppet He is so dumb that he tries to put his M&Ms in alphabetical order. giggles
Alright Kevin. Enough with the Michael jokes. I think he got it bad enough yesterday.
Photo of Oscar Martinez
Photo of Kevin Malone
I’m almost done.
That reeks, and I’m trying to eat.
Photo of Oscar Martinez
Photo of Dwight Schrute
Attention everyone I just got a text from Michael. He says personnel day. Are we hiring?
Yep. You’re being replaced.
Photo of Jim Halpert
Photo of Pam Beesley
I think he meant personal day.
Oh, that’s quite a leap Pam.
Photo of Dwight Schrute
Photo of Phyllis
I hope he’s ok, I feel bad.
Give it up, he’s dead.
Photo of Creed Bratton
Photo of Jim Halpert
He just sent a text…
What’s a text?
Photo of Creed Bratton

Photo of Michael Scott
at a park throwing whole pieces of bread Caw… caw… caw caw… caw…

You know sometimes, to get perspective, I like to think about a spaceman on a star incredibly far away. And, our problems don’t matter to him, because we’re just a distant point of light. But he feels sorry for me, because he has an incredibly powerful microscope, and he can see my face. looks towards the sky I’m okay. No, I’m not.
Photo of Michael Scott

Photo of Pam Beesley
Phyllis there’s a package for you.
Oh, ok. Phyllis signs for the package, opens an empty box
Photo of Phyllis
Photo of Dwight Schrute
after snatching the clipboard with her signature Got it.

movie Sam, Sam Sam. It’s not that you dumped my granddaughter, and its not that you want children. It, it’s that you lied to me. Can’t you see that? Can’t you see? Oh, I can never trust you. Andy looks like he’s going to cry
Lily
Sam
Lilly no. Lilly! Lilly please! Lilly STOP! I don’t care how much time we have left. I don’t care what my friends say! And I don’t care what your mom thinks! Frankly I’m pretty sure she’s not makin any sense. Please. Move back to my apartment. Andy’s crying, “I’m All Out of Love” starts playing Lilly. I’m not giving up. I’m not giving up. Lilly… Lilly! Push the reverse button! Reverse the button!
through tears Sam! Sam!
Photo of Andy Bernard

Photo of Pam Beesley
Hey Dad. No I know, Mom told me. Ok. Yeah I’ll see ya then.

So what did he say? Was it my fault?
Photo of Jim Halpert
Photo of Pam Beesley
Yeah. He said that you told him how much you love me. About how you feel when I walk in a room, and about how, you’ve never doubted for a second that I’m the woman you want to spend the rest of your life with. I guess he’s never felt that with my mom, even at their best.
You ok?
Photo of Jim Halpert
Photo of Pam Beesley
Yeah. they hug

When you’re a kid you assume your parents are soul mates. My kids are gonna be right about that. I guess it also means that sometimes love affairs look different to the people inside them. Andy is in the background, looks incredulous
Photo of Pam Beesley

Photo of Andy Bernard
I am not insightful enough to be a movie critic. Mm… maybe I could be a food critic. These muffins taste bad. Hmm, or an art critic. That painting is bad.

Michael! It’s really good to see you.
Photo of Pam Beesley
Photo of Dwight Schrute
Hey. Why are you wearing a turtleneck?
Are you alright?
Photo of Jim Halpert
Photo of Oscar Martinez
Michael, I feel like I was a little harsh yesterday. murmurs of agreement
I um, I spent the afternoon in the park trying to feed the pigeons, I guess they all flew west for the winter, and I, I just had some thoughts that I wanted to share with you people.
Photo of Michael Scott
Photo of Pam Beesley
What?
Well I wrote them down so I wouldn’t forget. Jim, you’re 6’11 and you weigh 90 pounds, Gumby has a better body than you. Boom. Roasted. Dwight, you’re a kiss ass. Boom. Roasted. Pam, you failed art school. Boom. Roasted. Meredith, you’ve slept with so many guys you’re starting to look like one. Boom. Roasted. Kevin, I can’t decide between a fat joke and a dumb joke. Boom. Roasted. Creed, you’re teeth called, your breath stinks. Boom. Roasted. Angela where’s Angela? Angela raises her hand Whoa there you are, I didn’t see you there behind that grain of rice. Boom. Roasted. Stanley, you crush your wife during sex and your heart sucks. Boom. Roasted. Oscar, you are… Stanley is laughing Oscar, you’re gay.
Photo of Michael Scott
Photo of Oscar Martinez
Wow.
Andy, Cornell called, they think you suck. And you’re gayer than Oscar. Boom. Roasted. Stanley is still laughing Alright. Alright everybody, you know I kid, you know I kid. You guys are the reason I went into the paper business, so, uh, goodnight, God bless, God bless America, and get home safe. clapping and murmurs of appreciation
Photo of Michael Scott

Photo of Michael Scott
They say that laughter is the best medicine so Stanley, you can throw away those pills. You are cured. Actually, you should… better hold onto them pills, just in case.

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