Prince Family Paper - The Office (Season 5, Episode 13)

David Wallace asks Michael to investigate the success of a small family-owned local paper company named Prince Paper. It works in an area where Dunder Mifflin has never been able to acquire clients. Michael brings Dwight with him to help gather information. Michael poses as a potential customer named "Michael Scarn", while Dwight pretends to request a job. The owner gives Michael the company's "best customers" list to use as a reference. Michael and Dwight leave excited about what they've gotten.

While backing out of his parking space, Michael damages his car. The entire Prince family comes to his aid to help fix the car as Michael watches. Michael has a change of heart about giving the customer list to David because the family was so kind. Dwight, on the other hand, is ready to show off the list to David. When they get back to the office, Dwight tries to tell Michael that he can't let his heart get in the way of business.

Michael agrees to send the list and the information to David Wallace. He then runs away... out of the office... but Dwight is quicker and catches Michael... grabbing the list from him. David calls Michael to congratulate him on getting the list. Michael says it's a bittersweet: bitter because he potentially ruined a decent family, but sweet because he satisfied David Wallace.

While Michael is away, the rest of the office spends their time debating on whether Hilary Swank is "hot". Kevin is heading up the group that says she isn't hot... he even goes so far as to say she looks like a monster. The debate has the office equally divided and at a stand-still Pam argues they should not let the Kevins of the world decide who is hot. Oscar gives a presentation and concludes that she is "attractive...but she is not hot." Stanley votes hot, pointing out flaws are no way to live life. At the end of the debate, the sides are still tied until Michael, oblivious of their debate, passes by the pictures on the wall and casually calls her hot.

Best Funny Quotes From The Office - Prince Family Paper

What’s this?

Looks like a red wire.

Hmm. It wasn’t here before.

Well it’s a computer Dwight, computers have wires.

Yours doesn’t.

Doesn’t it?

No, it’s going in a different direction then the other wires.

Dwight, I am really busy, I can’t talk about this anymore. Dwight follows red cord through office past Phyllis’ and Stanley’s desks

Dwight, get out of here!

What are you doing?

I got 500 feet of red wire at a flea market up by Dunmore High School. 20 bucks for the whole spool. Crazy, what a deal. behind Jim, Dwight climbs telephone pole Oh he’ll be fine. I made it up there.

What you talking bout, Wallace? imitating What you talking bout Willis

Hi Michael how are you?

Hi, I am well, how are you?

So listen, as you know, we haven’t yet filled the regional supervisor job.

Oh, have you not?

Correct. And I was wondering if I could get you to do some of the field work that would normally go to the supervisor Michael makes exaggerated oh-my-gosh face at camera. There is an area from Carbondale to Marshbrook, where we have never done any business.

Yeah.

There is a small company there, Prince Paper. I can’t get a report on it because it’s not a public company. But we have been talking about going after their market, so I was hoping you could do some fact finding for me.

Okay.

I’ll fax over some of the things we’re looking for.

Fax, why don’t you just send it over on a dinosaur?

Look, this is important, Michael.

Oh, well, then, email it to me.

You’ve got no taste Stanley Hudson.

Oh, I do.

What are you guys talking about?

Some actress, whether shes hot.

Who is the gal in question?

Hillary Swank.

Ah, Hillary Swank.

most of office huddles around print out of Hillary Swank, judging her hotness Not at all.

She’s got mean eyes.

Have you seen her with her bangs?

She looks like a monster.

Guys, she is a beautiful movie star, so maybe we should just go to work.

She is an amazing actress.

That is not the question.

She’s not hot.

Yeah, thank you Phyllis.

Okay, okay, okay. Why don’t we just put this to a vote, and then we’ll be done with it.

I’m not voting.

snaps back No one cares. Who thinks that Hillary Swank is hot, raise your hand. half of office raises hand Okay, and who thinks Hillary Swank is not hot, raise your hand. other half of office raises hand

counting votes Five. Five to five.

Thank you, accounting department.

So what do we do now?

riding in car with Michael What if the owner of Prince Family Paper has a beautiful daughter and we have to seduce her in order to get their secrets?

I will seduce her.

No, I wanna seduce her.

No, I will seduce her.

Please Michael, please.

No, I got it.

You’ll fall in love with her.

Yeah, so what if I did? That would take precedence and I would expect your support.

Okay, let’s go over the plan again.

Alright, I am a local business owner. Dwight nods along I need to buy paper. I find out everything about their prices and policies

Your fictitious name?

Michael Scarn.

I am a paper salesman looking for a new job. I find out everything about their expenses and salaries.

Okay.

Then we meet at the Denny’s…

interrupting No.

…and then we compare notes.

No, no, I never said Denny’s. IHOP.

No! arguing over each other

You know how I feel about IHOP.

Oh, don’t start,

Are you socialist?

You know what? I don’t want to get into this debate again. I enjoy IHOP.

I’ll have a cup of a coffee.

You will have pancakes and you’ll like it.

Store only has three employees.

So what?

It means they are not expanding.

Maybe they are shrinking.

No.

They could be shrinking.

No because their sign is centered perfectly above their store. No sign of the sign being moved.

Ah ha popping something in his mouth Yup.

spying through binoculars Its lunch time, and no sign of anyone coming in or out. Which means they are not taking new customers out to lunch.

Mm hmm .

Which Means they’re not acquiring new business. So once again no growth.

And there are clouds. There are clouds in the sky, which means gonna rain, bad for business.

Oh, it would if they were all cumulous and not cirrostratus.

Argh, why are you all…

Get your clouds right.

Shut up.

So you go in now, I am going to go in exactly ten minutes. We have never met each other. We are complete strangers. Also, we are going to need a signal to bolt out of there if there is danger. Lick ur lips, try it. Michael licks lips No, no like this. Dwight starts and Michael follows passionately licking their lips Good.

Ready to do this?

Yeah.

Good. Here come the sharks. they imitate jaws theme sounds and Dwight makes shark fin on his forehead

In nature, there is something called a food chain; it’s where the shark eats a little shark. And the little shark eats a littler shark. And so on and so on. Until you get down to the single cell shark. So now replace sharks with paper companies and that is all you need to know about business.

Hello.

Hello, hi.

Entire Prince family

My name is Michael Scarn. I am a local business owner and I would like to find out about your company.

Oh, please come in

Prince Grandfather

Thank you.

What kind of business are you in.

Prince Grandfather

We are a law firm.

I assume your primary paper needs are stationary, general office.

Prince Grandfather

You know, I will be honest with you… about something. Where we used to live, our paper supplier had a lot of big clients and I just didn’t feel like a priority. So I guess my question reaches for paper in his pocket with questions on it for you would be reading off sheet how many clients do you have?

About 80.

Prince Grandfather

Really? That many? This doesn’t seem like a very big operation.

It’s just me, my wife and my son.

Prince Grandfather

Ah, so when did you set up shop?

I opened this place after I came back from Vietnam.

Prince Grandfather

Oh Vietnam, I hear it’s lovely .

muted Mmhmm. shrugs

Prince Grandfather

Each side will have three minutes to prepare opening arguments. Topic: Hillary Swank is attractive.

Hot!

Entire office

The debate is whether she is hot.

What difference does it make? Attractive, beautiful, hot, we’re talking about the same thing here.

Huge difference. A painting can be beautiful, but I don’t want to bang a painting.

Okay, TMI.

So, even specialty paper, say 94 brightness double-bonded, you would put that on the same truck as your conventional stock?

You sure know a lot about paper for a lawyer.

Prince Grandfather

Well that is… because… I am a genius.

Oh really?

Prince Grandfather

Yes, well about some things, and other things I am very stupid. Like, watch this. Is this the cup? picks up tape dispenser and makes drinking motion Is this the cup? picks up a stapler and makes drinking motion Is this what I drink out of? glug noise, both laugh Laughter is my job, tears are my game, law is my profession.

Hello, I would like to apply for a job.

Prince Grandfather

Hi, I’m afraid we’re not hiring right now.

Why don’t you just get rid of this guy? points to Prince Son

Prince Grandfather

That’s my son.

I’m your son now; you can visit him on holidays. Dwight Schrute, I’m a paper salesman at a second tier paper company called Dunder Mifflin. I’m the top salesman there and I’m looking for a new challenge. I would say you guys have what, 40 high full volume clients?

Try 80.

Pshaw, that’s nothing. I’ve 90 clients myself. You had better look out, someone might run you out of business.

Prince Grandfather

I sure hope not.

Me too. smirking

I think all of us have a tendency to view celebrities as sort of mythical figures, you know? We don’t really see them as real so therefore we don’t judge them as real people.

Are you serious? Jim, just show us a picture.

Kevin, c’mon.

Yeah, shut up Kevin.

He’s making all these fancy, uh, it’s a gut thing.

Kevin, you know what, why don’t you close your eyes? Imagine that Hilary Swank comes into this office for real and she walks over to you in a more and more seductive voice and says Kevin Malone, I just read your online profile and there is nothing I would rather do then make out with you right now. And now you tell me something, is she hot? Kevin gets up to join the “hot” team to their great joy Does that end the debate?

Kevin sits down, gets right back up and heads back to “not hot” team No, it’s is she hot, not would you do her. Respect the game.

Oh my God.

fingers opened an inch This close.

Grandfather: So why are you considering leaving Dunder Mifflin?

Prince

My boss, his insensitivity might border on cruel. This is a man who does not listen to the needs his underlings. Michael takes offense and charges over

Hey, hey, how is your interview going?

It’s going very well.

Don’t blow it. Hey Linda, can I get a picture of you?

You want a picture of me?

I would, could you just stand over here? That would be great positioning her towards sign of Prince Family Paper customers Just a little something to remember the trip by. A little to your left positions Linda to get better picture

Can I get a copy of that?

Grandma, I can’t do this.

Prince Granddaughter

What’s going on? Little homework over here? Lets see if I can help. Huh, math, that’s not so hard. Ok. There are 4 of these, ignore the parenthesis, right?

Right.

Prince Granddaughter

Why is this little 2 so small? It’s, it’s weird, you don’t, you just go by the x. The x means times. 4 times x 2. What is double 4?

Prince Granddaughter

Excellent! Way to go! Nice! Michael and granddaughter Prince exchange high fives

Don’t put that. granddaughter Prince erases and corrects answer

Prince Grandmother

Ladies and gentlemen, even though the penis was fake, I was expecting a second plot twist where we found out Hilary Swank was a boy.

disapprovingly Kevin!

Ok, I wasn’t going to dignify this discussion by getting involved, but I don’t even get the discussion, hot is a temperature people. But Kevin deserves to lose for what he said, so, yes, she’s hot, she’s hot as heck, she’s a female Boris Becker.

OH! the “yes she’s hot team” claps

Oh, well thank you very much for all of your help. It’s going to be an incredibly hard decision.

Wait; let me get something for you. Here is some, some references. Here is a list of references, our top clients. You call any of them; I trust you will hear some good things.

Prince Grandfather

I… Okay, okay, okay, in disbelief alright, thank you. heads towards Dwight, makes make out lips signal

both making make out lips at each other Excuse me sir, I took the bus here and was wondering if I could catch a ride home with you in your car.

Of course. Thank you very much. Thanks for your time.

Thank you very much.

I cannot wait to contact your clients.

Thank you for your time I look forward to getting your calls. hurrying out door

Prince Grandfather

Bye bye now. So long.

Oh my God, oh my God, oh my God. running out door

Dwight and Michael

Haha, we struck the mother load!

Cmon.

Wallace is going to freak.

All their top clients I can’t believe it.

He’s going to absolutely freak.

Someone’s looking out the window. Go go, Peel out, go. car hits front divider, screeching

Oh shoot.

You drove over that. Go back car hits divider, screeching

Oh God, what was that?

That’s not good.

No, no, no no. Shes hot, okay? Because if you are saying Hillary Swank isn’t hot, then you are saying that I am not hot. Because obviously I am not as hot as Hillary Swank! Kelly runs away in tears

Oh my God.

Aw, it’s alright.

Oh man,

Aw, my car.

Not good.

Prince Grandfather

Is everyone okay?

It sounded bad.

Prince Grandmother

Yeah.

No no, we are fine. You have done enough already.

You’ve done more then you can possibly know.

Just, shut up. You know we are just going to call a tow truck, so…

Prince Grandfather

A tow truck is going to charge you one hundred bucks to take you a mile. Let me take a look.

No, no, really not necessary.

He drove over the divider and then backed over it and caused the..

I’ll be right back I’m just going to grab my tool box.

Prince Grandfather

Ladies, are we prepared to let the Kevins of the world decide anything for us? Anything at all? We don’t even give him full internet access.

surprised Wait, what?

See that, the obvious symmetry of the face? That’s a natural appeal of the scientific standard of coin aphelia, features that are a composite average of many features. Yes, she is attractive, but is not hot.

How much longer is this going to take?

You know let me give you some money for this.

No, I work at a desk all day, its nice working with my hands.

Prince Son

Oh coffee, that’s too much. Dwight drinks it

This is disgusting, what is it this, instant?

Prince Grandfather

Well that outta do it. bumper is heavily duct taped to the car

Its all better.

Prince Granddaughter

Thank you.

Gosh, well so long. they exchange byes

Prince Grandfather

I look forward to hearing from you about that job application.

Ok, goodbye Prince Family.

Goodbye prince family, to Michael should be called the Sucker family. Here you go shark, let me fix your fin for you and sharpen your teeth while I’m at it. Dwight laughs evilly, Michael seems remorseful Bye bye.

punches Michael on the arm, beckons to Michael for high five, does not get it, high fives himself, smiles contently

entire office is chatting I’m saying, all I’m saying is Kevin is not necessarily a feminist, is all I’m saying.

No, because… Dwight and Michael walk in and march into Michael’s office, silencing the conversation

Dwight, what will happen to that family if I call David and give him this information?

Its simple, David would use that information to destroy them.

Ok. You know, our sales are fine. We’re doing fine. They’re doing fine.

They could do better.

Why don’t we just, live and let live?

What?

Live and let live.

I’m not familiar with that expression,

It’s from James Bond.

It doesn’t make sense, of course I’m alive.

I’m not going to make this call.

Michael, you have to. Have you ever seen a lioness devour its cub? Have you ever seen a baboon devour its mate? Have you ever seen a raccoon devour a squirrel?

My heart says…

Your heart is a wonderful thing, Michael. But it has made some terrible decisions.

That is true.

Yes.

That is true. We have gone down the wrong path many many times.

Yeah.

Jan… Ryan.

Yeah, save your heart for love, and use your brain for business, right? If we don’t do this to prince paper, someone else will. Worse yet, someone else will do it to us.

I am trying to be more optimistic in life. I’ve got what, 20 or 30 years left. And my family history says I have less. Now, the old Stanley Hudson would have found something wrong this actress. But that is no way to live life. Look at this healthy sexy pretty strong young woman. C’mon people! She is hot.

There was a terrible war, ugh, so many died. Far too many died. But if Frodo hadn’t destroyed the ring, then goodness itself might have died.

You’re right.

Yeah.

You are right. I will call David and give him the customer list and I will give him all my info.

Good, so, Michael takes client list and heads out of office where are you going?

Just something I have to do first.

Where are you taking the client list?

Somewhere safe, where it can’t hurt anyone starts running, Dwight follows

Michael, Michael, no. Michael, give that. Michael, don’t do this. No. chasing Michael out of the office into parking lot

Oh shoot! gets to his car turns around

Freeze, give me the list! still chasing him back into office where Michael grabs his car keys from his desk and heads back to parking lot

No no no, I can’t let you do this!

Those people will be ruined. runs out back door

Its business, not personal. they run back outside, where Dwight gets paper from Michael

Give it, give it. We can’t do this to those people.

Its over, Michael, its over. holding list of clients up

Im not a shark.

Okay, it is time for the final votes. All of those in favor of resolution Hillary Swank is hot? half of office raises hand Okay. And all those opposed? he skips back and joins other half of office in raising hand

This is ridiculous.

That’s the thing about debating, you’re just going to get people more entrenched in the view they had in the first place. two sides of the debate start arguing

This is good stuff Michael. You are a titan of industry pal.

pained Mpfh.

Good work.

Thank you.

Look I’ll be in touch, thanks buddy.

Okay, bye bye.

Guess whose stock just went up, golden boy?

I guess this is what they call a bittersweet moment. It is bitter because I slightly destroyed a wonderful little family. But sweet because David Wallace thought I did a good job. That’s what I hate bittersweet chocolate. I don’t even… what’s the point of that? Why not just sweet? Who are you helping?

Oh, hey what is this?

Hillary swank.

Oh, she is hot. “Hillary Swank is hot” supporters cheer

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