Customer Survey - The Office (Season 5, Episode 07)

After returning from Nashua, Michael announces to everyone in the office that he is engaged. It's totally not true, as Darryl points out, privately offering to cover the co-pay if Michael seeks psychiatric help. The office insists that Michael call his mother to tell her about the engagement, which he does. His mother is in disbelief... he's apparently done this before. He finally is forced to reveal the truth, disappointing everybody.

Pam has bought matching miniature Bluetooth devices for her and Jim so they can stay in touch throughout the day without being caught. Dwight, overhearing several of their conversations, assumes that Jim is talking to himself. When Jim says that he's talking to Pam, Dwight tries to tell him that Pam isn't there.

Kelly has done the customer surveys on Jim and Dwights performance. Their feedback is terrible, surprising both of them. Jim was going to use his anticipated bonus to buy his parents' home. Dwight suspects Kelly of tampering with the reports He confronts her in the annex about it but she denies it.

Jim later talks about it with Kelly, who is oddly short with him. Pam points out the strangeness of Kelly not talking his ear off and encourages Jim to investigate. When asking Ryan about Kelly's recent behavior, Jim notices that Ryan has the same coffee mug with his face on it that Andy had earlier. The mugs were party favors at Kelly's 'America's Got Talent' viewing party over the summer. Jim realizes that that everyone in the office has one, except for him and Dwight - they didn't go to the party.

Jim then suspects that Kelly tampered with their reports to spite them. Jim and Dwight have Michael confront her about it, and she ultimately comes clean. Michael doesn't really punish Kelly because he says he knows what it's like to have trouble getting people to come to his parties.

One of Pam's friends from art school, Alex comes to visit Pam at the corporate office. He has to tell her that she should not move back to Scranton. Jim, still listening on the Bluetooth, jokes that Alex has a crush on her, but Alex tells her that if she seriously wants to pursue a career in art, then only three months in New York is not going to do any good for her. When he leaves, Jim and Pam are left silent.

Andy shows Angela a wedding tent he would like for their wedding. Angela hates the tent, but agrees to allow it if the location meets certain conditions... all of them perfectly describing Schrute Farms. Dwight accepts the offer to hold their wedding on his farm. Dwight also offers to meet Angela's every need, day or night.

Best Funny Quotes From The Office - Customer Survey

Photo of Michael Scott
Hey, sport.
I heard someone got engaged, you dog, huh? punches Michael’s shoulder
Photo of Dwight Schrute
Photo of Michael Scott
Ow! God!
Oh, nothing can hurt you now. You’re a man in love!
Photo of Dwight Schrute

Photo of Darryl Phylbin
I was there. That dude is not engaged. I’m not a big believer in therapy, but I’ll go into my own pocket to cover his co-pay.

Big idea: double wedding. Me, Angela, you, Holly.
Photo of Andy Bernard
Photo of Michael Scott
No, we would never do that. And if we did, it would be with Jim and Pam.
Yeah, we’d never do that.
Photo of Jim Halpert
Photo of Michael Scott
Yeah, so there you go.
enters Michael’s office Michael, I got my bridesmaid dress.
Photo of Kelly Kapoor
Photo of Michael Scott
Oh, wow, so quickly.
Yeah, and you said I could get it in any color I wanted, so I picked white.
Photo of Kelly Kapoor
Photo of Kevin Malone
Michael, did you tell your mom yet?
Nope. Nope. Not yet.
Photo of Michael Scott
Photo of Jim Halpert
You wouldn’t tell your mom?
You love your mom.
Photo of Kevin Malone
Photo of Kelly Kapoor
Call your mom, Michael. everyone talking
I’ll call her later.
Photo of Michael Scott
Photo of Group
chanting and clapping Call her! Call her!
I don’t want to do that. chanting continues All right. picks up phone and dials She is going to freak out!
Photo of Michael Scott
Photo of Andy Bernard
punches button Speakerphone!
That’s — thanks.
Photo of Michael Scott
Mother
on speakerphone Hello?
Mom, I’m getting married.
Photo of Michael Scott
Mother
No, you’re not.
Why do you always do that? Whenever I’m getting married, you don’t believe me.
Photo of Michael Scott
Mother
Well, are you getting married?
No. laughs
Photo of Michael Scott
Mother
Are you– Michael ends call
I’m not, I’m not getting married. So… laughs Psych.
Photo of Michael Scott

Photo of Kelly Kapoor
So I returned my bridesmaid dress, and it was on sale, so I’m out $100.
And I’m out a fiancee. Are those the customer surveys?
Photo of Michael Scott
Photo of Kelly Kapoor
Yeah, uh, this is all of them: Jim, Dwight, Phyllis, Stanley, Andy and — oh. Oh, it’s the receipt to my bridesmaid dress. What’s that doing there? hands stack of papers to Michael
I’ll take care of that for you. crumples receipt and throws it in trash Thanks.
Photo of Michael Scott

Photo of Michael Scott
Kelly Kapoor is our dusky, exotic customer service rep. And once a year, she will contact our clients and find out how happy they are with our salespeople. Sort of a Kapoor’s List. “Schindler’s List” parody. … That’s not appropriate, no.

Those reports affect our bonuses, which is kind of great for me, because you wouldn’t know it from looking at her, but Pam’s a gold-digger.
Photo of Jim Halpert
Photo of Pam Beesley
on Bluetooth speaker Hey, New York ain’t free. Get back to work.
Aww.
Photo of Jim Halpert

Photo of Pam Beesley
It’s the world’s tiniest Bluetooth. I found it in a Japanese gadget store in the village. I got one for Jim, too. Jim, say something.
on Bluetooth Testing, testing. Hello, everybody.
Photo of Jim Halpert
Photo of Pam Beesley
We wanted to stay on the phone all day, but the company has a policy against eight-hour personal calls. So we’re not telling anyone.
Uh, Pam. What do you want on your coffee?
Photo of Alex
Photo of Jim and Pam
Sprinkle of cinnamon.
I should go.
Photo of Pam Beesley

Photo of Michael Scott
Alrighty, Dwighty, let’s see how you did.
Bring it on. starts to put foot up on Michael’s desk
Photo of Dwight Schrute
Photo of Michael Scott
No.
Sorry.
Photo of Dwight Schrute
Photo of Michael Scott
Wow.
What does it say?
Photo of Dwight Schrute
Photo of Michael Scott
Dwight, your feedback is horrible.
That’s impossible.
Photo of Dwight Schrute
Photo of Michael Scott
A number of your clients found your personal style abrasive and distasteful.
I sell more paper than anyone. stands and reaches for the file
Photo of Dwight Schrute
Photo of Michael Scott
No, no, no, no, no.
Wait, is this a joke? I’m getting that queasy feeling that sometimes accompanies jokes.
Photo of Dwight Schrute
Photo of Michael Scott
Do I look like I am joking?
No, but that’s sometimes part of it.
Photo of Dwight Schrute
Photo of Michael Scott
If I were joking, you would be laughing. Do you look like you are laughing?
Impossible to say. I can’t see myself.
Photo of Dwight Schrute
Photo of Michael Scott
You’re not.

Yo, Tommy Tuna, did you get your scores yet?
Photo of Andy Bernard
Photo of Jim Halpert
Nope.
I got mine. They were really good.
Photo of Andy Bernard
Photo of Pam Beesley
listening in New York I miss him.
You must be really proud.
Photo of Jim Halpert
Photo of Andy Bernard
Yeah, pretty psyched. Whoa! That’s my mug.
Oh, sorry. It was just — it was right here.
Photo of Jim Halpert
Photo of Andy Bernard
Right, well, it’s mine, so if you could pour it out and get another one.
OK. Or maybe I could finish the coffee that’s in here and you could use finds a mug uh, oh — Snoopy.
Photo of Jim Halpert
Photo of Pam Beesley
Don’t give him Snoopy. That’s mine.
smiles It is a great mug. But it’s not my mug. That is my mug. So give it back.
Photo of Andy Bernard
Photo of Jim Halpert
How can you even be sure?
It has my face on it.
Photo of Andy Bernard
Photo of Jim Halpert
holds mug next to Andy’s head Make the face. Andy smiles Yeah, I don’t see it.
Dude, that is my face!
Photo of Andy Bernard

Photo of Pam Beesley
Dwight slams something on desk What was that?
Wow. That was Dwight. He seems upset about something.
Photo of Jim Halpert
Photo of Pam Beesley
Describe him exactly. What color mustard is his shirt? Yellow or Dijon?
It is… more of a spicy brown, actually.
Photo of Jim Halpert
Photo of Dwight Schrute
What are you mumbling about?
How was your meeting with Michael?
Photo of Jim Halpert
Photo of Dwight Schrute
None of your business.
Was it your scores?
Photo of Jim Halpert
Photo of Dwight Schrute
Those can’t be my scores, Jim. For your information —
Mm-hmm.
Photo of Jim Halpert
Photo of Dwight Schrute
I’m being sabotaged.
Of course.
Photo of Jim Halpert
Photo of Dwight Schrute
And I’m going to find that person and punish them.
Absolutely. Or you could just be nice to your customers.
Photo of Jim Halpert
Photo of Dwight Schrute
You’re an idiot.
There’s the charm.
Photo of Jim Halpert
Photo of Michael Scott
Jimbo, let’s do this thang.
That is me. Wish me luck.
Photo of Jim Halpert
Photo of Dwight Schrute
No way.
whispers on bluetooth Good luck.
Photo of Pam Beesley
Photo of Jim Halpert
Thanks.
I didn’t say anything
Photo of Dwight Schrute
Photo of Pam Beesley
I love you.
I love you, too.
Photo of Jim Halpert
Photo of Dwight Schrute
What do you think I am saying to you?!
I’m not talking to you.
Photo of Jim Halpert

Photo of Dwight Schrute
I’ve caught Jim talking to himself several times today. What a loser. Get a friend, loser.

on phone Yeah, I’m looking at it right now. It’s really gorgeous. You guys do great work.
Photo of Andy Bernard

Photo of Andy Bernard
I found the best tentist on the east coast. He personally tented Giuliani’s first and third weddings. And I got him. shakes fist I got him!

on phone Would you be able to do the same design, but with walls of gray? And a top that’s gray too? Fabulous.
Photo of Andy Bernard

Photo of Michael Scott
Oh, come on.
What?
Photo of Jim Halpert
Photo of Michael Scott
You too?
Did my scores drop a little?
Photo of Jim Halpert
Photo of Michael Scott
Jim, they are a poopy. Jim coughs, presses button to end call on Bluetooth

touches ear Jim? Jim?
Photo of Pam Beesley

Photo of Jim Halpert
Are we even sure that’s my file?
No. glances at it Yes, I am sure, Jim. It —
Photo of Michael Scott
Photo of Jim Halpert
Well, there’s got to be an explanation.
I agree.
Photo of Michael Scott
Photo of Jim Halpert
Yeah.
So let’s see what we can find out from reading. reads Jim Halpert is smudge and arrogant.
Photo of Michael Scott
Photo of Jim Halpert
I think you mean smug
points at Jim Arrogance.
Photo of Michael Scott
Photo of Jim Halpert
Michael, I’m just trying to —
And there’s our smudgeness.
Photo of Michael Scott

Photo of Jim Halpert
I need a decent bonus, because I’m actually in the process of buying my parents’ house so that they can retire. And if history tells us anything, it’s that you can’t go wrong buying a house you can’t afford. Pam doesn’t know about the house, so it’s… a fun surprise. taps Bluetooth earpiece Pam, sorry about that. I lost you for a second. So, as it turns out, I may not have done so hot on my customer reviews this year.
Maybe it’s because you spent the whole year flirting with the receptionist.
Photo of Pam Beesley
Photo of Jim Halpert
A little bit. … Worth it.

Here’s what’s going to happen. I am going to have to fix you, manage you two on a more personal scale, a more micro form of management. Jim, what is that called?
Photo of Michael Scott
Photo of Jim Halpert
Microgement.
Boom! Yes. Now, Jim is going to be the client. Dwight, you’re going to have to sell to him without being aggressive, hostile or difficult. Let’s go.
Photo of Michael Scott
Photo of Dwight Schrute
All right, fine. picks up phone Brrring.
picks up phone Hello?
Photo of Jim Halpert
Photo of Dwight Schrute
Hello, this is Dwight Schrute from the Dunder Mifflin Paper Company.
Wow, that’s great, because I need paper.
Photo of Jim Halpert
Photo of Dwight Schrute
Excellent, then you are in luck, because we are having a limited-time offer only on everything.
Wow, this is my lucky day.
Photo of Jim Halpert
Photo of Michael Scott
whispers Ask him his name.
What is your name, sir?
Photo of Dwight Schrute
Photo of Jim Halpert
I am Bill Buttlicker.
Really, that’s your real name?
Photo of Dwight Schrute
Photo of Jim Halpert
How dare you? My family built this country, by the way.
Be respectful, Dwight.
Photo of Michael Scott
Photo of Dwight Schrute
Yes, Michael.
Would you hold on one second? That’s my other line.
Photo of Jim Halpert
Photo of Dwight Schrute
What? No, but I —
Hello? laughs No, I’m just on the phone with this stupid salesman. He’s so dumb. Probably just gonna keep him on the line forever and not buy anything. Yeah, OK. punches button on phone
Photo of Jim Halpert
Photo of Michael Scott
It’s up to you to change his mind.
Sorry. That was a family emergency.
Photo of Jim Halpert
Photo of Dwight Schrute
Oh, no. What’s wrong?
You know what? That’s private.
Photo of Jim Halpert
Photo of Michael Scott
Boundaries, Dwight. Come on!
Sorry, Mr. Buttlicker. As I was saying, we’re having a limited–
Photo of Dwight Schrute
Photo of Jim Halpert
Sorry, you’re going to have to speak up a little bit louder. I’m hard of hearing.
He’s hard of — he’s an old man. Let’s go.
Photo of Michael Scott
Photo of Dwight Schrute
OK, as I was saying, right now we are having —
You’re gonna have to talk louder.
Photo of Jim Halpert
Photo of Dwight Schrute
OK, our prices have never been lower.
Son, you have to talk louder.
Photo of Jim Halpert
Photo of Dwight Schrute
…never been lower!
Louder, son!
Photo of Jim Halpert
Photo of Dwight Schrute
shouting Buttlicker! Our prices have never been lower!
Stop it! Stop it!
Photo of Michael Scott
Photo of Dwight Schrute
He —
That is totally inappropriate. You never yell at the client. You never yell at the client.
Photo of Michael Scott
Photo of Jim Halpert
Now, you listen to me, sir.
Here we go.
Photo of Michael Scott
Photo of Jim Halpert
The three words I would describe you as is aggressive, hostile and definitely difficult.
Give me the phone.
Photo of Michael Scott
Photo of Dwight Schrute
Please, Mr. Buttlicker —
I’m irate right now.
Photo of Jim Halpert
Photo of Michael Scott
Give me the phone.
Please give me another chance. Mr. Buttlicker.
Photo of Dwight Schrute
Photo of Michael Scott
Give me the phone. Give me the phone.
I have to put you on with my boss.
Photo of Dwight Schrute
Photo of Jim Halpert
Well, I should hope so. Michael takes phone Who is this?
Hello, this is Michael Scott, regional manager.
Photo of Michael Scott
Photo of Jim Halpert
Well, this is William M. Buttlicker.
Hello, Mr. Buttlicker. How may we help you?
Photo of Michael Scott
Photo of Jim Halpert
Michael, I like the sound of your voice. You know what I’m going to do? I’m going to buy one million dollars worth of paper products today.
shakes fist, whispers Yeah!
Photo of Dwight Schrute
Photo of Michael Scott
covers phone, whispers to Dwight See how it’s done? into phone Thank you very much, sir. I don’t think you’ll regret it. to Dwight See what I did?
You are the master.
Photo of Dwight Schrute
Photo of Jim Halpert
There is one condition, Michael.
Yes.
Photo of Michael Scott
Photo of Jim Halpert
You have to fire the salesman that treated me so terribly.
Don’t do it, Michael.
Photo of Dwight Schrute
Photo of Michael Scott
whispers It’s a million-dollar sale.

So it’s called the Shangri-La Tent. It’s two stories, heated and has a bridal suite for my bridal sweet. It’s just really simple, really tasteful.
Photo of Andy Bernard
Photo of Angela Martin
I don’t want to be married in a tent like a hobo
Hobos live in trains.
Photo of Andy Bernard
Photo of Angela Martin
Nana Mimi can’t be in canvas that long.
Well, Nana Mim — Ahh. OK, look. This tent is awesome. And it’s in high demand, so I really think we should put a deposit down now.
Photo of Andy Bernard
Photo of Angela Martin
OK fine you can have your tent, but only if it’s in a field, a hand-plowed field
Done and done-er.
Photo of Andy Bernard
Photo of Angela Martin
There has to be a barn that’s old enough that you can see the stars through the roof slats when you lay on your back. And antique tools to look at when you roll over.
Do you have a specific place in mind?
Photo of Andy Bernard
Photo of Angela Martin
No. But anything within a five- to eight-mile radius is acceptable.
On it!
Photo of Andy Bernard

Photo of Jim Halpert
Dwight. Dwight. Dwight’s car comes screeching into view
Get in!
Photo of Dwight Schrute
Photo of Jim Halpert
Are you serious?
Get in! he peels off into parking space
Photo of Dwight Schrute
Photo of Jim Halpert
OK, what are you —
Shh. turns radio up loud, playing “Centerfold.” They might be listening to us.
Photo of Dwight Schrute
Photo of Jim Halpert
What’s that?
They might be listening to us
Photo of Dwight Schrute
Photo of Jim Halpert
Who’s they?
Customer service might be monitoring this conversation.
Photo of Dwight Schrute
Photo of Jim Halpert
In this car?
You never know. Better safe than sorry.
Photo of Dwight Schrute
Photo of Jim Halpert
turns radio down What are you thinking?
Who stands to benefit from our downfall?
Photo of Dwight Schrute
Photo of Jim Halpert
The mob, maybe NASA.
Could be the mob. But then Dunder-Mifflin would need to be a front for money laundering, and there’s little evidence of that.
Photo of Dwight Schrute
Photo of Jim Halpert
Is there some evidence?
on Bluetooth Ooh, cute shoes online.
Photo of Pam Beesley
Photo of Jim Halpert
How many shoes do you need?
I don’t know. Two, maybe three if one wears out. How many shoes do you need?
Photo of Dwight Schrute

Photo of Jim Halpert
I’m not talking to you.
Who are you talking to?
Photo of Dwight Schrute
Photo of Jim Halpert
Pam.
She’s not here, Jim.
Photo of Dwight Schrute
Photo of Jim Halpert
No, she’s not.

in New York, humming to herself to the tune of “Centerfold” Na na na na na. Na na na na na na na.
Photo of Pam Beesley

Photo of Andy Bernard
at computer, spins chair around and makes triumphant gesture Yes!

I found it. I found the perfect place. A local bed-and-breakfast on a 60-acre beet farm. And even better, I have an in with the owner. Oh, yeah. We work together. It’s Dwight Schrute. As in Schrute Farms.
Photo of Andy Bernard

Customer
on phone So I’d like to redouble my order, if you could put me down for, um —
Wait, shut up.
Photo of Dwight Schrute
Customer
I’m sorry?
Shh. Do you hear that?
Photo of Dwight Schrute
Customer
Hear what?
Breathing. Is that you?
Photo of Dwight Schrute
Customer
Well, I am breathing, yes.
Well, stop. Hold your breath. I still hear it. Who’s there? Kelly, is that you? Hold on. puts down phone and runs away
Photo of Dwight Schrute
Customer
I need paper.

jumps into Kelly’s area Ha! Kelly screams in surprise
Photo of Dwight Schrute
Photo of Kelly Kapoor
Oh, my God. You scared me.
Hear anything interesting?
Photo of Dwight Schrute
Photo of Kelly Kapoor
What are you talking about?
laughs I think you know.
Photo of Dwight Schrute
Photo of Kelly Kapoor
You always say that, and I almost never know.
What are you up to, girl? Huh? Phyllis put you up to this? Stanley? Are they paying you?
Photo of Dwight Schrute
Photo of Kelly Kapoor
Are you accusing me of something?
Of course I am. I know you’re the mastermind, but you’re too stupid to do it by yourself.
Photo of Dwight Schrute
Photo of Jim Halpert
behind Dwight: OK.
surprised Ah!
Photo of Dwight Schrute
Photo of Jim Halpert
Easy.
OK.
Photo of Dwight Schrute
Photo of Jim Halpert
Let’s just — Let’s head back to the desk.
You just can’t come into my nook and call me stupid. And maybe if you were a little bit more nice and polite, then people wouldn’t give you such bad customer reviews.
Photo of Kelly Kapoor
Photo of Dwight Schrute
The reason that I got bad customer reviews is because I didn’t! There is a massive conspiracy going on here, and I know you’re involved.
Dwight, get out of my nook!
Photo of Kelly Kapoor
Photo of Pam Beesley
in New York That’s what she said! That’s what she said! That’s what she said!
Good one.
Photo of Jim Halpert

Photo of Jim Halpert
enters breakroom Hey. Sorry about Dwight, by the way.
Yeah, he’s weird.
Photo of Kelly Kapoor
Photo of Jim Halpert
Well, we all handle it differently. I personally choose to handle it like a normal person, but…
OK.
Photo of Kelly Kapoor
Photo of Jim Halpert
Hey, how are you and Darryl?
Um, we’re cool. gets up to leave Bye.
Photo of Kelly Kapoor
Photo of Jim Halpert
Bye.
on Bluetooth That was weird.
Photo of Pam Beesley
Photo of Jim Halpert
What was?
Have you ever had a conversation with Kelly where she didn’t go on for 15 minutes without taking a breath?
Photo of Pam Beesley
Photo of Jim Halpert
No, actually.
Did you do something to her?
Photo of Pam Beesley
Photo of Jim Halpert
I don’t think so.
Well, something’s off.
Photo of Pam Beesley

Photo of Jim Halpert
Hey, how’s things?
All right.
Photo of Ryan
Photo of Jim Halpert
Yeah?
Living in the moment.
Photo of Ryan
Photo of Jim Halpert
Do you have any reason to believe that Kelly would be mad at me?
I don’t play the politics game anymore, Jim. Can I tell you something? I played it full on in New York. I played it high stakes. For keeps. Made it to the top. But look what it cost. takes sip of coffee Can I tell you what else I learned?
Photo of Ryan
Photo of Jim Halpert
Wait, that’s pretty weird.
What?
Photo of Ryan
Photo of Jim Halpert
Well, Andy has a mug just like that.
Oh, yeah, Kelly gave them out as party favors. Remember? You got one.
Photo of Ryan
Photo of Jim Halpert
No. What party?
Her America’s Got Talent finale party over the summer. Jim makes face That’s crazy. It was packed. I thought everyone was there. You were there. I remember you being there.
Photo of Ryan
Photo of Jim Halpert
I wasn’t. But thank you. to Pam Do you know anything about this party?
Yes, I said you definitely should go, but you wanted to visit me instead.
Photo of Pam Beesley
Photo of Jim Halpert
Well, I can’t be the only one who didn’t — sees mugs on Angela’s and Meredith’s desks

walks quickly to break room, opens cabinet and finds mugs of Oscar, Creed and Phyllis
Photo of Jim Halpert

Photo of Jim Halpert
Dwight, let me see your coffee cup.
No. holds Sheriff’s Department mug protectively
Photo of Dwight Schrute
Photo of Jim Halpert
Is that it?
No. Why? No. puts it in desk drawer and slams it shut
Photo of Dwight Schrute
Photo of Jim Halpert
OK, I’m gonna assume that was it. Here’s the thing: I think you’re right. I think it was Kelly. I think she’s mad at us for not coming to her party.
Oh, man, I knew it. Who are her co-conspirators?
Photo of Dwight Schrute
Photo of Jim Halpert
Probably just Kelly.
Obviously. I knew it.
Photo of Dwight Schrute
Photo of Jim Halpert
That’s what I’m saying.
Yeah. What?
Photo of Dwight Schrute
Photo of Jim Halpert
You were right.
I was — I was right.
Photo of Dwight Schrute
Photo of Jim Halpert
You were right.
I was right.
Photo of Dwight Schrute
Photo of Jim Halpert
You knew it.
I knew it.
Photo of Dwight Schrute
Photo of Jim Halpert
You knew it the whole time, buddy.
I knew it the whole time, buddy! shoves Jim
Photo of Dwight Schrute
Photo of Jim Halpert
Wow.
Yeah! Woo-hoo!
Photo of Dwight Schrute

Photo of Pam Beesley
in New York Right Dwight is loud.

I knew it! Yeah! Ha-ha! Woo! kicks near Phyllis’ head; she ducks Boom! Kelly the whole time. Let’s get her.
Photo of Dwight Schrute
Photo of Jim Halpert
No, no, no, no. Dwight, Dwight, Dwight. Let’s talk about this.

What’s going on?
Photo of Kelly Kapoor
Photo of Michael Scott
Why don’t you tell us?
Nothing’s going on.
Photo of Kelly Kapoor
Photo of Dwight Schrute
Let me paint you a picture of a little girl from southern India, who despite being welcomed into this country will now spend the rest of her life in prison for a crime she did commit.
Dwight. to Kelly I was informed by these gentlemen that the reports that you filed may not entirely be accurate.
Photo of Michael Scott
Photo of Kelly Kapoor
What? I — I don’t know what you’re talking about. This is the first I’m hearing about this.
Oh, come on. You juked the stats, cupcake.
Photo of Dwight Schrute
Photo of Jim Halpert
We called about a dozen customers, and they all said that they gave us great marks.
What’s going on?
Photo of Michael Scott
Photo of Kelly Kapoor
I love your tie, Michael.
looks momentarily flattered, but thinks better of it Kelly.
Photo of Michael Scott
Photo of Kelly Kapoor
I was raped.
You cannot say “I was raped” and expect all of your problems to go away, Kelly. Not again. Don’t keep doing that. I’ll give you one last chance to come clean. Just tell me what happened.
Photo of Michael Scott
Photo of Kelly Kapoor
OK, all right. OK, I did it. All right? I lied, whatever. Just fire me. But you know what? I did it because you guys didn’t come to my party, and you said you would try to and then you didn’t even show up, and so you’re bad friends.
We have our confession. I’m calling security. reaches for phone
Photo of Dwight Schrute
Photo of Michael Scott
Don’t. Don’t. Get away from that, Dwight, please. You know what? She’s got a point about you two. You do have a problem dealing with people.
See? I wasn’t lying.
Photo of Kelly Kapoor
Photo of Michael Scott
You were lying.
I was lying.
Photo of Kelly Kapoor
Photo of Michael Scott
Yes. Jim, Dwight, please excuse us.
I want to be here when you fire her ass.
Photo of Dwight Schrute
Photo of Michael Scott
I will call you when it is time. Jim and Dwight leave
I have an enormous amount of trouble trying to get people to come to my place. And I hate it. I can’t tell you how much leftover guacamole I have ended up eating over the years. I don’t even know why I make it in such great quantities. Here’s what we’re gonna do. We are going to sit here for a while, make it look good. And maybe you should cry. Can you make yourself cry?
Photo of Michael Scott
Photo of Kelly Kapoor
No problem.
I think you should do that. Kelly starts fake-crying, then laughing, then she and Michael both laugh
Photo of Michael Scott

Photo of Alex
Pam Beesley?
Hey, what are you doing here?
Photo of Pam Beesley
Photo of Jim Halpert
Who’s that?
It’s Alex.
Photo of Pam Beesley
Photo of Alex
It’s Pam. Uh, I came to kidnap you. There’s free wine and cheese at the Chuck Close retrospective. Let’s go.
Oh, that’s gonna be great. Who’s Chuck Close?
Photo of Jim Halpert
Photo of Pam Beesley
Oh, I love Chuck Close and his photo-realist paintings. But I have to work.
Uh, well, actually there’s something else I’d love to talk to you about. Can we go somewhere else to talk about it?
Photo of Alex
Photo of Pam Beesley
OK.
That’s it. I want to talk to this guy. Put me in his ear.
Photo of Jim Halpert
Photo of Alex
in private office Um.
What’s up?
Photo of Pam Beesley
Photo of Alex
I’m gonna take a big leap and I want to tell you that I think you should not move back to Scranton.
Wow.
Photo of Pam Beesley
Photo of Jim Halpert
I’m gonna make a bigger leap here. He is into you.
Why did you come to New York in the first place?
Photo of Alex
Photo of Pam Beesley
Because they have a great design program, and I wanted to see if I was any good at it. And I wanted to work on my art, too.
Right. And that’s why I think that you should stay here. Because I mean, you — really you just got here, you know? You can’t do New York in three months. You know, it has everything. It has — all the opportunity is here. All the — the whole art scene is in New York. You know, it would be nuts to go back to Scranton without getting to fully experience it.
Photo of Alex
Photo of Pam Beesley
Jim’s in Scranton.
I know. But all I’m saying is, if there’s even a teeny, tiny part of you that really wants to be an artist, then I think you should stay here, because you don’t want to wake up in 50 years and look back and wonder what could have been. And that is the end of my speech. I planned it all. Anyway … I will see you tomorrow.
Photo of Alex
Photo of Pam Beesley
I’ll see you tomorrow.
OK. Pam and Jim look worried
Photo of Alex

Photo of Dwight Schrute
Is that the Matsuhashi B-400? The world’s tiniest Bluetooth? reaches toward Jim’s ear May I?
Don’t.
Photo of Jim Halpert

Photo of Dwight Schrute
Congratulations on choosing Schrute Farms for your wedding.
We haven’t decided on anything yet. We’re still reviewing some options, and it’s gonna come down to the numbers.
Photo of Andy Bernard
Photo of Dwight Schrute
Well, then. Why don’t you look over some of our materials? opens album
Oh. Hmm.
Photo of Andy Bernard
Photo of Dwight Schrute
looking at Angela While I describe to you the Excalibur package. In addition to the breathtaking natural beauty and smell of Schrute Farms, I can promise you that our grounds can be catered to fit your exact specifications. Angela smiles I will work tirelessly for you over the coming months and be at your constant disposal. Andy moves his head into Dwight’s view Please feel free to call or stop by, any time of the day or night.
That’s very generous.
Photo of Andy Bernard
Photo of Dwight Schrute
While you, my good friend, have nothing more to worry about. This wedding is officially out of your hands.
Oh, thank the good Lord. Deal! shakes Dwight’s hand
Photo of Andy Bernard
Photo of Dwight Schrute
OK.
Um, what are we talking price wise?
Photo of Andy Bernard
Photo of Dwight Schrute
You already said deal.
Pay him whatever he wants.
Photo of Angela Martin
Photo of Andy Bernard
Can’t argue with that. Dwight … takes Angela’s hand You are going to make us so happy. Dwight and Angela grin at each other

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