Goodbye Toby - The Office (Season 4, Episode 18/19)

The branch is planning a going-away party for Toby - he's leaving for Costa Rica. Michael, obviously, is delighted that Toby is leaving, but when Angela won't go along with his unreasonable party demands, Phyllis gladly accepts the duty of planning the party. It's a grand send-off with carnival rides and even a band.

The new human resources representative, Holly Flax, doesn't exactly get a warm welcome from Michael. Dwight and Michael plan to haze her on her first day. When she playfully mimics Michael's disdain for Toby, Michael suddenly falls in love with her. With advice from Jim, Michael succeeds in warming up Holly with small talk and jokes, and even has a mild exit interview with Toby. He had originally planned something brutal, but because Holly attends, he takes it easy on Toby. During the interview, Pam helps Toby to get revenge against Michael by making him give up his watch as a going away gift - his original going away gift was a rock that had a note attached saying "Suck it."

Part of Dwight's hazing of Holly is to make her think that Kevin is mentally challenged. She gives special attention to Kevin due to his "disability." Kevin misinterprets her compassion as sexual interest in him.

Pam is going to spend the summer studying graphic design at Pratt Institute in New York City - she got accepted! Meanwhile, Jim calls Ryan about the huge sale that he recently made (at the golf course). Ryan instructs him to "Just enter the sale on the website." before abruptly hanging up. Jim sees the handwriting on the wall that Ryan is going to try to push him out of the company but calls Ryan and leaves a voicemail that will make him think twice about doing that.

Not to soon afterward, Creed and Jim find a video of Ryan being arrested for fraud on YouTube. The ruckus it creates interrupts Toby's exit interview. In an interview, Oscar reveals that Ryan's precious website wasn't doing well, so he double-counted office sales as website sales, fraudulently inflating the firm's figures.

While Kevin is out getting supplies for the party, Michael discovers that Jan has artificially inseminated herself from a sperm bank. She explains that she did this while she was dating Michael, and that Michael isn't the father, but she still wants him to be involved in the pregnancy. Initially indecisive, Michael eventually calls and agrees to attend her Lamaze class which is the next morning.

Jim contributes several hundred dollars to the party-planning fund in order to buy fireworks. He's decided to propose to Pam and during a fireworks show will be the perfect time. Pam notices it and believes Jim is going to propose. Unfortuntely, Andy ruins the moment for Jim by proposing to Angela at the party.

Phyllis returns to the office after the party only to find Angela and Dwight having sex on Angela's desk.

Best Funny Quotes From The Office - Goodbye Toby

cell phone rings Hello, this is Dwight Schrute. phone keeps ringing Hello?

presses button on headset Hello, this is Dwight.

Hello? Hello?

Yes, we do have that. Hold on one second…

Jim, what are you doing?

And how many would you like?

Uh, uh, hang that up right now. Ha-

Absolutely. We can get that out to you immediately.

into Jim’s headset This man is an imposter! Do not do business with him! This is not Dwight Schrute!

Dwight left his cell phone on his desk. So, naturally, I paired it to my headset.

cell phone rings K, fine. I’ll just let it go to voicemail.

presses button on headset Hello, this is Dwight.

Hey, is this Dwight?

Yes it is.

Oh my goodness, you sound sexy.

Oh, thank you. I’ve been working out.

Woah, woah, woah, Pam!

Have you?

Pam! You are not talking to Dwight right now. You are talking to Jim.

Dwight?

No! waves arms Pam, I’m over here!

I’m confused…

Disconnect that right now. You give me your earpiece.

Can’t do that. Unsanitary.

Ugh! Okay, you know what? Fine. I will reprogram my phone to go to my office phone. presses buttons on his cell phone Done.

office phone rings at Jim’s desk This is Dwight.

Oh, and I forwarded his desk phone to mine.

Oh, hello Mater. Good news: I’ve married. Tell Fater. hangs up Such a nice woman.

slams cell phone on desk Argh! Ahh!!

Today is Toby Flenderson’s last day. I couldn’t sleep last night. I came extra-early. So much energy… There are certain days you know you know you will remember for the rest of your life, and I just have a feeling that today is one of those days.

Morning.

Mornin’. to camera So here we go, just a matter of hours now, until his horribleness has left the building. I’m going to set my watch alarm… And… watch beeps

Good morning, Kelly.

I can’t believe this is your last day. How do you feel?

Fine. Good.

I feel weird.

First thing on the agenda-actually, the only thing on the agenda, is the status of Toby’s going away party.

We have a buttercream cake and a slideshow of Toby.

Okay.

But so far we only have two pictures of him.

Okay, well, this will not do. Toby is going away forever, and uh, we need to do something very very special. In some cultures, when somebody leaves, like New Orleans culture, they have a parade and they have a band and people party in the streets…

Do you mean, leaves as in dies? You want us to throw Toby a New Orleans’ funeral?

If the Devil were to explode, and evil were gone forever, what sort of party would you have?

Michael…

Like a beach blowout? Or a toga, toga-

No. You know-no!

Toga!

You always do this! We have a nice, modest party planned, and then you come in and demand the world. Let me be clear. There is simply no money for anything other than a cake and to develop a few more slides… although Toby won’t be in them.

I thought that you might say that. takes off his shoe; hums; takes out cash from shoe

Every year, my sweet, sweet grandmother sends me a check on my birthday for fifty dollars. And lately, she has been sending me, like nine or ten checks a year… uh, as Nana starts to… but, I knew I should be saving it for something, I just didn’t know what I should be saving it for. And then I had an awakening. “Michael, buy a motorcycle.” So I put the money in my shoe, and then I forgot about it until now.

I want a party that makes me feel like I am flying through the air without this… ugly weight holding me down, you know?… I want an antigravity machine. I saw it in a movie. You drink a potion, and then you just start floating all around.

So how much antigravity potion do you want?

No! No! You know what? This is not a party-planning committee anymore! And I don’t want your foot money, and I feel uncomfortable participating.

Phyllis, can you do this?

whispers Yes.

Hi, can I help you?

Hi. Yes, uh, I’m Holly Flax. I was told to ask for a Mr. Flenderson?

As part of my last day I’m training the new Human Resources rep in the ways of the company. Again, the company has allotted for this training-one day.

So this is H.R. This is your desk.

I love the view.

Yeah, it’s great, isn’t it?

Hey. kisses Jim on cheek

Hey… What?

Guess who just got into the Pratt School of Design.

No way! What did I say? I said that they’d love those sketches. Congratulations!

Oh, thank you! I don’t know why I doubted it, because I’m so clearly awesome!

Yes! So when do you start?

I don’t know, I didn’t read it carefully, I just saw “congratulations” and I skimmed the list, I saw my name, I came in here to tell you and get a snack.

Wow. Busy morning.

So, you know it means I have to go to New York for three months…

It’s not a big deal. I’ll come visit you. And you’ll visit me. It’s only two hours away. It’ll be fine. That part’s gonna suck, but it’ll be great.

Yeah, it sucks, but it’ll be great.

See how easy that is?

Ohh… they hug; she laughs

I wouldn’t go if things weren’t so solid with Jim. And down the road, if we have a family, I couldn’t go then either. So, the timing’s perfect… And that is the first time I’ve ever used the word “perfect” in here!

Hey, Stanley…

Hmm?

I want to introduce you to…

watching from his office Toby’s replacement. Ugh. Wow.

So what do we know about her?

Well, we know that Toby thinks she’ll be great. So, strike one, I hate her already.

I hate her too.

Why do you hate her?

Because she… stinks… with her… ways… and her… head.

You know, Dwight, sometimes… I don’t know, I think you say things just to agree with me.

Would that be such a bad thing?

Yeah! It would! Just have a thought. Have an original thought. Although, I will agree that her head is weird. You know what we need to do?

What?

We need to sell her an elevator pass.

But our, our elevator doesn’t require a pa… gasps

Exactly. A little old-fashioned hazing.

Hi. Are there any local companies that rent antigravity machines?

Antigravity machines?

Woman over speakerphone

That’s right. Yeah.

What do they do exactly?

Woman over speakerphone

They make you feel lighter…

Antigravity… Um… Anti…depressants? I could put you through to someone on that.

Woman over speakerphone

Okay.

knock on door Yeah.

Hey Michael.

Oh, hey, do you still work here?

I’d like to introduce you to my replacement.

Nah.

Come on.

No. I think I will pass.

Michael Scott, this is Holly.

Hi.

Hi. Yeah. Right. Okay, well, they hired a female Toby. Good for the world. Thank you, God, for creating two of you. Here’s how things work here: my job is to make the office fun. Your job is to make the office lame. And we have an eternal struggle, you and I. And only one of us can be the winner. Spoiler alert: I’m gonna win.

Man, someone doesn’t like H.R.

Yeah.

to Toby What did you do to him?

Nothing.

T-No. He tortured me… with his awfulness.

Yeah, I know what you mean. I nearly fell asleep when he gave me a tour of the files. Um, well look, I’ll let you get back to work, but I-I really look forward to working with you, Mr. Scott.

Y-You can-Michael.

Thanks to Toby, I have a very strong prejudice against Human Resources. I believe that the department is a breeding ground for monsters. What I failed to consider though, is that not all monsters are bad. Like E.T. Is Holly our extraterrestrial? Maybe. Or maybe she’s just an awesome woman from this planet.

shaking Holly’s hand The pleasure’s all mine.

Oh, thanks. I’m really looking forward to sitting down with you and finding out more about what you do here.

Any time.

What do you do here?

…Excuse me.

What is wrong with this woman? She’s asking about stuff that’s nobody’s business. “What do I do?”… Really, what do I do here? I should’ve written it down. “Qua” something, uh… qua… quar… quibo, qual…quir-quabity. Quabity assuance! No. No, no, no, no, but I’m getting close.

whispering Have you been introduced to Kevin?

No. Which one’s Kevin? they glance over at Kevin subtly, who is stifling a giggle

He’s here on a special work program. He’s slow, you know, in his brain.

Oh. Good for you guys.

Yeah.

Hazing is a fun way to show a new employee that she is not welcome or liked.

Accounting department, listen up. Holly, Human Resources. Angela, Oscar, and Kevin. accountants mumble hellos

Hello. Hello. to Kevin Hi.

Hi.

What do you do?

I do the numbers.

Oh, good for you.

Do you want a M&M?

Oh, no, that is so sweet. But thank you though.

Yeah. I keep them here at my desk so that everybody doesn’t take them.

Well that is a very safe place for them.

Yeah.

Here she is! Holly… You know, if we hung Holly from the ceiling, we’d have to kiss underneath of her. So-I know. Oh, sorry. Question, are you real, or are you a Hollygram?

Oh… laughs along Nice, I’ve never heard that one before actually.

I bet.

That’s good.

I bet. Are these guys boring your ears off?

No, no, I…

Oh… What, um, what is your commute like? How long does it take to get in?

Ooh, uh…

You know, I should make you a mix. Do you have a, uh, a CD player?

Um… Y-yeah. Okay.

All right.

Thanks.

Yep.

Great.

Do you like it? It’s a photo of everyone in the office. So you can take it to Costa Rica.

You’re-you’re not in it.

Well I was taking the picture.

I love it. I love it… I would love a picture of the two of us, to also take to Costa Rica.

Sure, do you have a camera here?

No, uh… shouts Does anyone have a camera here? no one answers him No one has a camera here. Uh…

Okay…

I’m gonna… I’ll go get one. Stay. runs out of the office

on the phone So I just got the fax closing the sale, and uh, it’s big. It is really big.

Congratulations!

Thanks.

Don’t interrupt.

I just-

Congratulations on doing your job. Did you enter the sale on the website?

No, I didn’t. I just logged it in right here, so…

All right, try to be a team player here, Jim. Log it in the website.

All right, well it already went through, so…

Don’t worry about that. Just re-log it. hangs up

Hello?

listening to “Crash Into Me” on his computer Hmm… Jim? Jim comes into his office I am downloading some N3P…

That’s not it.

Music…

Yeah.

For a CD mix tape…

Close.

For Holly.

Mmhmm.

And I’m looking for perfect songs that work on two levels.

What are the two levels?

The two levels being, uh, “Welcome to Scranton”…

Mmhmm.

And “I… love you.”

Okay. Let’s start with the “I love you” level.

Hey, what’s the group that was from Scranton that made it big? Was that U2?

Yes. You don’t love Holly.

I think I do.

But you just met her.

Well, it was love at first sight. Actually, it was-no, it was when I heard her voice. It was love at first see with my ears.

Oh, okay, it doesn’t work like that.

Well, you’re not a romantic.

Actually, I think I am. And I have a little bit of experience in office romance.

Oh really?

Yeah.

Like, with who?

We’ve been through this.

Pam?

Yes, we are still dating. And guess what? I took it slow.

Yeah, you took it too slow.

Well, we’re really happy.

This thing with Holly feels a lot like love to me.

And that’s really sweet. And you can think that. But you don’t say that out loud, and you definitely don’t say it to her.

I don’t want her to get away.

I know. Here, Michael, you can court her as you get to know her, you know? I mean, the office is a great place for that. Pam and I, we got to know each other right out there. I mean, the first time we joked around was at my desk. And the first meal we ever had was, in the break room, actually. We were at two separate tables and, I remember that. The first time we kissed even, was right outside, and… Look, all I’m saying is that you can get to know someone really really well, like I did, right here at work.

I was thinking… fireworks for the party. What do you think?

Oh boy. I appreciate your help, but I can’t…

Oh, no, no, no, no, no. I just meant I wanted to pay to have fireworks at the party.

Why would you do that?

Because I’m gonna miss Toby. Yep, he’s a heck of a guy, and I think we should send him off right. It doesn’t matter. Here ya go. hands her an envelope with money in it

Really?

Well we all want a good party, right?

I’m going to propose tonight. Holy crap!

Hey Kevin.

Hi.

Do you need some help?

I can’t decide what to get.

Well, what do you like to eat?

Well I like pretzels, but, I really like chips.

Hmm. Well how much money do you have there? looks at the change in his hand Okay, let’s see… fifty… Oh, this is a button. Okay. Fifty-five, sixty-five, okay, you have seventy-five cents. So, that means you could get anything up in the top row.

Hmm…

I’m totally gonna bang Holly! She is cute, and helpful, and she really seems into me.

on phone, leaving a message Hey, Ryan, it’s Jim. Look man, I don’t know what’s gotten into you lately, but you know what? I really don’t care, because you’re trying to get rid of me. And I bet you don’t think I care enough about this job to actually fight back, but you’re wrong, because I do, and I will. So you can keep trying to push me out of this place, but guess what? I’m not going anywhere. hangs up and exhales sharply

tool clicking Damn it!

Hello, Holly. Holly is on the floor with her desk chair in pieces Woah, what are you doing? You don’t, uh, you don’t have to do that. I mean, we have already put-together chairs. That’s how we buy them actually.

Oh, I’m trying to adjust the lumbar support on Toby’s chair and… that made this up/down lever thing not work, and then I took the whole chair apart, and that… is the story of me on the floor. It’s pretty good, right? You know, I’m gonna sell the movie rights.

And the sequel, “Woman Stands at Desk and Works.” So, I have no idea how you, he sits on the floor how you sit like that.

Yoga.

as Yoda Sit on floor and put together chair we will. laughs nervously Yo-da. Um…

as Yoda Pass curvy metal piece, you will.

So are you in down this weekend? Cause, I’m not-I’m not… I’m not gonna be in town. I’m going out of town.

Ohh, so you can’t make my orgy? Kidding!

Kidding. overdramatically Acting!

overdramatically Acting!

laughs Lovitz.

Yeah.

I did it! exhales

What’d you do?

I talked to her-Holly. Just pleasantries, nothing, you know… not like, do you want kids or, religion, or what side of the bed do you want. Hey, I can take either side of the bed at this point.

Wow. Okay, so how’d that feel?

It was hard. I wanted to kiss her.

Oh, I’m so glad you didn’t.

Whew, oh God. inhales Laying a base. Laying a base…

There you go. There’s plenty of base-laying left, right?… Hey. Hey!

giddy Yeah…

Hello Angela.

Phyllis, you look like you’re gonna have a heart attack.

Can I get a list of your vendors?

I shredded it.

Why would you do that?

Gosh, I just don’t know. Why do you think?

knocks files off desk Sorry.

Michael and Holly are still working on the chair What’d you guys do?

Oh, there he is. Thought you had gone home already. Why don’t you go home, and come back for the party?

Well, we still have to do the exit interview.

Yes we do.

I’ll let you in on a little secret: I’ve been very much looking forward to this moment. Very, very much. I-I have been steeped in anticipation. Toby has been cruisin’ for a bruisin’ for twelve years, and I am now his cruise director, and my name is Captain Bruisin’.

Michael hands him a present Wow, thanks, Michael, I…

Can I just say that, of all the idiots, in all the idiot villages, in all the idiot worlds, you stand alone, my friend.

enters conference room Hello.

Hey! Hi, good to see you.

You too.

I’m just having a little exit interview.

Yeah, I know, that’s why I’m here.

Um, no, no, no. This is very boring stuff. Why don’t you take a tour? Have you seen the baler?

No, no, I’ll look at it later. It’s part of my job.

Okay.

enters conference room Did you need me to take notes?

Hi Pam. Stay.

Okay.

Um… Alright, well then, I will proceed. takes out note cards I just have some questions that I was gonna ask. Um… Who do you think you are?

I’m Toby.

Yeah. Correct. Um… What gives-what-what gives you the right?

Um, I-I brought the binder. Do you wanna take a little look?

Sure. You know what? That sounds good. I’ll take a little look-see.

Here you go.

Thank you. reads What would you improve about Dunder Mifflin?

This place, um…

Well, no no no no no…

I’ve got some ideas, I guess…

No no no no no. I’m not asking it. I’m just reading it out loud.

Oh, I’d like to hear the answer.

Well let me see… I would, uh…

hides his face from Holly; whispers to Toby I’ll kill you.

I guess everything’s okay.

I made it this far, right? What’s the point?

Toby, why don’t you open your present?

Oh, no no no, no, no. No, this-hey, hey, hey, hey, this might not be what I think… that I don’t even know is in there, because there are a lot of presents in my car, and I don’t know which is which…

unwraps present; present is a rock with a Post-It note rubber-banded to it; reads “Suck on this.”

What the hell is that?

Michael…

That’s… What do you mean, “Michael”? That’s not even my handwriting. exits conference room Hey! What the hell is going on here?! Who thought it would be hysterical to give Toby a rock for his going-away gift?!

You did.

No!

You made me wrap it. I thought it was over the line. I just- Michael slams conference room door in his face

Okay, you know what that is? You know what that is? That is… a psyche. Psyche. So, that is not my real gift to Toby.

So what is your gift?

My gift is forthcoming, Pam.

What is it?

I am going to give Toby…

Your watch?

…Yes, I am. That was it. How did you know that?

I just knew.

How did you know?

Oh that is so sweet.

Well… That’s my watch.

Thanks, I’m gonna set it to Costa Rica time.

Hey, that’s good.

from outside the conference room Hey, it’s the kid! Look, look, look, look, look! Michael, Toby, Holly, and Pam exit the conference room Hey! It’s the temp! Look! everyone is crowded around Jim’s computer

Oh my gosh.

It’s the temp! all are watching a YouTube video of Ryan being escorted out of Dunder Mifflin corporate offices by policemen

Is that the police?

Yes.

Mm-hmm.

Well this is what happened: uh, Ryan’s big project was the website… which wasn’t doing so well. So Ryan, to give the impression of sales, recorded them twice: once as office sales, once as website sales. Which is what we refer to in the business as “misleading the shareholders.” Another good term is “fraud.” The real crime, I think, was the beard.

still watching video of Ryan Oh my God. Ryan… Oh my God.

I cannot wait to visit Ryan in prison. I’m gonna wear my hottest track suit, and get my hair done, and then be like, “Hi Ryan.” And then all the other prisoners are gonna be like, “Damn! Ryan, you got a hot ex-girlfriend. Ooh, I would never have treated her so bad when I was outside of prison.”

Would you do me a favor and connect me to Ryan?

Absolutely. dials and hands Jim receiver

clears throat Right to voicemail. into phone Hey, Ryan, it’s Jim. You know what? Totally disregard that last voicemail, because you obviously have your hands tied. Good luck! hangs up

What’s protocol on this?

I normally do nothing, I guess. No, you shouldn’t- Holly knocks on Michael’s door

Michael, are you okay?

voice straining I’m just worried about my friend.

Oh, of course you are.

Just, I’m fine. I’m holding it together. I-I have a business to run.

No, hey.

I’m cool.

Stop. You can let yourself be upset. He’s your friend. You know what I usually find?…

Holly is sweet and simple, like a lady baker. I would not be surprised to find out that she had worked in a bakery before coming here. She has that kind of warmth. I’m pretty sure she’s baked on a professional level.

everyone exits the building to find a carnival-themed party in the parking lot Woah! Cool! A bouncy house!

Kevin, take your shoes off first!

No antigravity machine, huh?

Sorry, Michael, I don’t think they’re real.

Ferris wheel’s pretty cool though.

Wow. Look at our parking lot.

Yeah, who’d have thought? Pam sees fireworks being set up; smiles

Is Jim gonna propose tonight? He is, isn’t he? No, he’s not… Is he?

Oh, it was a pretty good company, but I just couldn’t see a future there. They kept hiring from the outside. It was easy to get in but impossible to rise up.

That’s what she… a lot of places are like that.

I think it’s really cool you hired Kevin.

Thanks.

You have it?

Almost. she unlocks Holly’s car

Okay, here we go. Here we go. Mose carries a raccoon in a cage Put it in. he puts the raccoon in the car

I like, uh…

That-That’s my car.

Hey. What are you doing?

Mose drops cage and runs Mose!

What the hell is going on here?!

N-nothing you need to know the details of.

There is a raccoon in the car, Dwight!

N-no there’s not.

Why did you do that?

It was playful hazing.

No. There is no such thing as playful hazing. Dwight, I want you to look at Holly right now. Everybody, I want you to look at Holly right now, and maybe if you look at her deeply enough, you will see what I see in her. And that is that we are all very lucky to have her here. Holly is the best thing that has happened to this company since World War II. Fifty years, she is the best. to Dwight Take care of that, all right?

It’s not rabid.

Shh…

Thanks for bringing that up.

Get it out. Come on, get it out. Get it out.

I’m really sorry.

Michael, thank you so much for saying that. puts a hand on his arm I feel so welcome here.

Yeah…

I just… Um, excuse me.

Did you see that! Did you see it? Did you see what… wow-wee! Uh, well, Jan didn’t believe in showing affection, so… sometimes I don’t know how to react when a girl touches me. Oh… I like it! giggles

Vance Refrigeration guy

Hey Mrs. Vance, we’re all out!

Hey, Kev, I need you to do me a solid and go buy some more barbeque sauce. Kevin nods Okay.

Cool! You drive your own car?

Yup. This is my car. Do you drive your own car?

Yep. Just like you.

Okay, bye.

Bye. Kevin, I’m really proud of you.

on microphone Alright! Let’s hear it for Darryl and his band. applause You know what? Let’s also give a shout-out to Phyllis for this awesome party, huh?

everyone applauds Yay, Phyllis!

Probably the best one that we have ever had, right? cheers and applause But the real reason that we are here, is to say goodbye to a guy who we will probably never ever see again. Now, a lot of you know that I am an accomplished songwriter.

Song parody writer.

I have done things like um, “Beers in Heaven.”

Classic.

Or, “Total Eclipse of the Fart.”

Not my favorite, but…

I like that one.

It’s not my favorite…

I like that one.

I love to sing them, but I am not going to be doing that today. I am going to be doing something I wrote specifically for Toby. to band Do you know, um, “Goodbye Stranger”? Supertramp?

Yeah. music starts

sings It was early morning yesterday… I was up before the dawn… and I really have enjoyed my stay… Toby must be movin’ on.

I’m gonna to miss Toby. He has a nice, calming presence in the office.

singing Goodbye Toby, it’s been nice. Hope you find your paradise…

Don’t tell him I said this, but I always thought he was kinda cute.

singing, screaming into the mic Come tomorrow, feel no pain! Feel no pain! Toby! Toby! Tobee-yy! Toby’s goin’ away! See ya! He’s outta here! See ya! He’s outta here! Ohh! Goodbye Toby! Goodbye Toby! Goodbye Toby! Goodbye Tooo-by!

Not bad.

Oh, hey. Thanks.

Someday I would love to hear “Beers in Heaven.”

Oh, okay. Yeah. Well, actu-too soon. It’s uh, it’s uh, very sexual. cell phone rings Sorry. Kevin. answers Kevin, where are you? You missed my song, buddy.

Yeah, Michael, I’m at Gerrity’s. You have to come down here.

Just pay for it and we’ll reimburse you when you get back.

No, I-I brought my money. Michael, there’s something that you need to see.

What is it?

Just hurry. hangs up

Is he okay?

Yeah. He’s at the supermarket and he needs me.

Yeah well, the party, driving to the supermarket… it’s a big day for him.

Yeah, that’s true. Don’t move a muscle. I will be back momentarily, all right? Holly freezes; Michael laughs No, you can drink-you can finish your drink and then I’ll-okay, I’ll be back.

Well it was good to see you.

It was great to see you, Jan.

Yeah, so…

O-kay. Hello Jan.

Hello… Michael.

Wow, Kevin, really? We’re- to Jan Sorry. We’re in the middle of a party. to Kevin Is this why you called me down here?

Yeah, Michael, I just uh…

I…

I think you kids have a lot to catch up on.

Oh, okay.

Yeah.

Thanks, Kevin. Um… Kevin walks away, revealing Jan’s pregnant belly

Wow. I can’t believe it! Look at you! Jan laughs Are you nauseous?

No.

Do you-do you have cravings? You never touched my Propecea, or my Accutane, did you?

Uh, no.

Good. Good. Thank God.

I didn’t…

Cause that’s…

… touch that.

Wow, I am so happy. I am so deliriously happy…

Why?

Because you’re pregnant, and because it obviously happened when we were together. And, I am very…

Yeah, it did…

… proud.

… happen when…

Um…

… we were together. That’s true. And-but, you… are not… uh, you’re not the dad.

You cheated on me… when I specifically asked you not to?

…Not to. No, I did not. I did not cheat on you. I did not.

Well, okay…

Yeah.

So it’s mine, and it’s not somebody else’s, so… I know… the whole toilet seat thing is a myth, so…

I went to a sperm bank.

You did?

Yuh-huh.

When we were going out?

Uh, yeah.

W-I don’t understand. You always used to be very cautious… I’d wear two condoms.

I know.

You’d rather have somebody else’s sperm than my sperm?

No, no no… it’s not just any sperm bank. I mean, it’s really… this is a really, really great place. It’s amazing, actually. I’m gonna bring you the catalogue. You should look through it. It’s… and it’s-in fact, it’s right next to that little breakfast place that you like in the city where you can draw on the tables.

IHop.

If I was 22, and I had lots of time to have lots of children, then sure, let’s let Michael have a shot at one of ’em. But, honestly, I need to make this one count.

Oh, that’s really good. I feel so much better. I just needed to get all that out onto the table.

I’m glad you told me.

Look, I don’t know what you’re gonna be doing tomorrow, but I have my Lamaze class in Allentown, and um… you could come. I usually, you know, use a foam noodle instead of a partner…

Um, I’ll… I have to think about it.

Okay.

My whole life, I have known two things: I love sex, and I want to have kids. And I always thought that those two things would go hand in hand, but now, I think it might be one or the other.

Oh look, they’re starting. all watch fireworks display; scattered applause and cheers; Darryl’s band plays soft music

to Phyllis Well, I hope you had fun today, because you’re never ever throwing a party again.

gets engagement ring from his pocket Hey…

on microphone Can I have your attention please? music stops I was waiting for the right time to do this, and I can’t think of a better time than right now, with the music playing, and all our friends around, and fireworks going off… My parents are here! Andrew and Ellen Bernard. Thank you for sharing in this joyous moment. Miss Angela Martin, will you please join me onstage? Angela shakes her head ‘no’ Okay, then I will come to you, my flower. knocks over Darryl’s keyboard

Unh! Damn it!

Angela, will you do me the honor… of giving me your tiny hand in marriage? shows her a ring

…Okay.

Into the mic, sweetie.

I said, okay.

She said yes! light applause And the crowd goes wild! Woo! music starts playing; Jim puts his ring back in his pocket and exhales sharply

I’ve been carrying that ring around in my wallet for six years. Because you don’t know when you’re gonna meet the right girl and the moment’s gonna be right. And tonight, with the fireworks, and the music, and everything… it was right.

Can I be your bridesmaid?

No.

Well… it’s my own fault.

Tuna! hugs Jim; makes small explosion sound I’m engaged!

I know. That’s awesome, man. That’s great.

Mr. Andrew Bernard… it’s got a nice ring to it.

Hey. Hey, you know, I just realized uh, I don’t have a picture of the two of us.

Oh, yeah, um…

Yeah, could we…

Sure. Meredith, do you mind?

hands Meredith his camera This one right here.

Okay. One two three- takes picture Oh let’s do it again. Pam your smile is weird.

It’s digital, so just take as many as you want.

One, two three- takes picture One, two, three- takes picture

I don’t know, I just, I really thought Jim was gonna propose tonight…

Hey there.

Hey.

So you missed something really big.

Yeah?

Yeah, Andy proposed to one of your accountants.

Oh, wow.

I’m not so specific as I can be on my first day, but…

Well, I can see Andy proposing to Angela. I can also see him proposing to Oscar. they chuckle Oh…

So… You know, somehow after all those ribs, I’m still really hungry. I don’t know, I was thinking of maybe going off-campus somewhere, getting some dessert, or…

Oh, um, well, you know what? You should go to the Glider Diner. Ask Stanley about that. Practically lives there.

Okay.

I’ll go to the diner with you.

Oh that would be great.

Yeah, we can go eat pie.

I love pie.

Me too.

Okay.

Have a good night.

Okay. Good night.

Bye.

Yeah, it was a good day. I mean, first days are always the hardest, right? Well, I should go. Kevin is waiting in the car I gotta buckle him in.

Well this is it. I am here to see you off.

Thanks… Hank is standing next to Michael Really, Michael?

Sorry. Corporate policy.

It’s not.

You might take something.

I don’t think he’s gonna take anything.

Okay, security guard.

watch that Michael gave him beeps Oh, some kind of… alarm.

Okay.

on phone, leaving a message Hi, Jan, it’s Michael. I just um, I just want to let you know that I am going to go to your Lamaze class tomorrow. Um, and if there’s any details you need to fill me in on, like… what exactly Lamaze is, that would be great. And I… will see you tomorrow morning. hangs up I am going to be… kind of a daddy.

Party planning’s a real high. Like a runner’s high. gets out of elevator; hears moans and heavy breathing coming from office; opens door and sees Dwight and Angela making out

sees Phyllis; gasps Oh my God!

What? turns and sees Phyllis; Phyllis gasps and drops the box in her hands

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