Survivor Man - The Office (Season 4, Episode 11)

Ryan invited the regional branch managers and Toby to a corporate wilderness retreat, but did not not invite Michael, because "they already knew everything they needed to know about him." Michael is very disappointed and wants to show that he is capable of surviving in the wilderness, Michael leaves the office early and leaves Jim in charge.

He instructs Dwight to abandon him deep in the Pennsylvania forest with just a knife and a roll of duct tape. Dwight can't leave Michael alone in the woods and watches over him from a distance. Michael proves to be completely useless in the wild by himself. He spends most of the day filming himself cutting off his pants because he's hot. He then uses the pants legs as a bandana... and then he uses his clothes as a tent, and then duct tapes his pants back together because he's cold. Dwight eventually saves Michael when Michael tries to eat some wild mushrooms.

Jim, while in charge of the office decides to consolidate the many birthdays of "birthday month" into a combined birthday party. He has no idea how complicated his plan will become with everyone wanting something different - from the type of cake to the appetizers. Angela as head of the Party Planning Committee is none too pleased with Jim's plan. Well... truthfully nobody likes his idea. He realizes how bad of a decision he's made when Phyllis accidentally calls him Michael.

Michael and Dwight return just as they're singing Happy Birthday to Creed (since it's his actual birthday) with Michael saying that he no longer has any desire to return to the wilderness. Jim is glad Michael has returned to the office to take over the antics of the staff.

Best Funny Quotes From The Office - Survivor Man

Photo of Toby Flenderson
I really didn’t think I was going to have a good time, but I did. Totally did.
I love camping. in a singing voice Anything can happen.
Photo of Meredith Palmer
Photo of Toby Flenderson
Oh, it wasn’t camping, it was more of a wilderness retreat. Michael walks in
Morning.
Photo of Michael Scott
Photo of Toby Flenderson
Michael.

Ryan invited some of the branch managers and Toby into the woods for a “get to know you” weekend. Michael wasn’t invited. Apparently they already knew everything they needed to know about him.
Photo of Pam Beesley

Photo of Pam Beesley
Did you sleep in cabins?
Under the stars. It was really beautiful, you should come.
Photo of Toby Flenderson
Photo of Phyllis
Bob and I took rock climbing lessons once. Michael laughs

Michael wasn’t invited on Ryan’s camping trip. Toby went, but Michael didn’t go. He wasn’t invited.
Photo of Phyllis

Photo of Pam Beesley
Who went?
Me, Dan from Buffalo, Mark Chisholm, Jeff from Albany and Ryan, obviously. Made so many s’mores, that I finally had to say, “No more s’mores, no more s’mores.” everyone in room but Michael laughs, Michael exits break room
Photo of Toby Flenderson

Photo of Toby Flenderson
Ryan invited me to go on his wilderness adventure retreat. It was this amazing, beautiful experience Michael knocks on the window behind Toby from outside
from outside Hey, nobody cares. Nobody cares. I need that room at some point, so just, wrap it up.
Photo of Michael Scott
Photo of Toby Flenderson
Michael wasn’t invited.

Hypothetically, if I were to ask you to go camping, and you know what hypothetical means? Jim makes a face Not real.
Photo of Michael Scott
Photo of Jim Halpert
Got it.
So if I were to hypothetically ask you to go camping with me, would you go?
Photo of Michael Scott
Photo of Jim Halpert
Absolutely, yes.

When Michael plays the hypothetical game, I always say yes.
Photo of Jim Halpert

Photo of Michael Scott
Really?
Yeah?
Photo of Jim Halpert
Photo of Michael Scott
Oh, you wanna go today?

And I am always busy.
Photo of Jim Halpert

Photo of Jim Halpert
Oh, can’t go today, ’cause I’m donating blood.
How often can you actually donate blood?
Photo of Michael Scott
Photo of Jim Halpert
Is there a limit?
Your body only has a certain amount.
Photo of Michael Scott
Photo of Jim Halpert
Well, is that it? Or?
Yeah, just this whole Toby, camping thing, uh, seems a little lame.
Photo of Michael Scott
Photo of Jim Halpert
How so?
A bunch of guys, in a tent? Making s’mores? makes a noise and gestures with his hands
Photo of Michael Scott
Photo of Jim Halpert
What’s that?
Hello, I’m Broken Mountain. You know, here’s the thing. That’s not how you go camping. I think you go camping by yourself—
Photo of Michael Scott
Photo of Jim Halpert
Right.
In the wilderness. It’s not with a group of guys frolicking around in tents. It’s one guy, or two guys, if your plans change.
Photo of Michael Scott
Photo of Jim Halpert
Not gonna change.
I wanna do it myself. You know, I want to go and, and find out something about myself, I wanna get outta here. All the cliques, and the office politics. Fluorescent lights. Asbestos.
Photo of Michael Scott
Photo of Jim Halpert
I thought we had that looked at.
I’m sick of it Jim. I’m sick of this place.
Photo of Michael Scott

Photo of Michael Scott
When Jan and I had satellite, we used to watch a reality show called “Survivorman.” And, it was interesting because it was about a guy who would go out in the middle of no where and just try not to die, try not to get eaten by an animal, or be overexposed.

OK, I will only need two things. Roll of duct tape and a knife.
Photo of Michael Scott
Photo of Dwight Schrute
winks I’m on it. leaves room
OK. Thirty minutes or less, please come back. Save the receipts. Dwight comes back with set of knives Hey, what…
Photo of Michael Scott
Photo of Dwight Schrute
Let’s see if any of these will work. clears the front of Michael’s desk
Hey, hey hey! Dwight. Dwight rolls out an assortment knives. Dwight.
Photo of Michael Scott

Photo of Dwight Schrute
I keep various weaponries strategically placed around the office. I saved Jim’s life with a can of pepper spray I had velcroed under my desk. People say, “Oh, it’s dangerous to keep weapons in the home or the work place.” Well I say, “It’s better to be hurt by someone you know accidentally, than by a stranger on purpose.”

Dwight and I are going out. He will return later, but I will not. I will also be taking a personal day tomorrow, and perhaps the next day.
Photo of Michael Scott
Photo of Pam Beesley
Do you want me to ask where you’re going?
No.
Photo of Michael Scott
Photo of Pam Beesley
Great.
Dwight will be driving me deep into the Pennsylvania wilderness.
Photo of Michael Scott
Photo of Pam Beesley
Oh.
Where he will then leave me to either die or to survive. The choice is yours.
Photo of Michael Scott
Photo of Jim Halpert
Hmm, no, the choice is actually yours. Are you sure you want to do this?
Yes, and I am leaving you in charge of the office for the rest of the day and for the next several days. Do not try to follow me.
Photo of Michael Scott
Photo of Jim Halpert
OK, great.
This is a very personal, private experience in the wild, that I wish to share it with me, myself and I.
Photo of Michael Scott
Photo of Jim Halpert
Yup.
When I return, I hope to be a completely changed human being.
Photo of Michael Scott
Photo of Jim Halpert
That’d be great.

Do I believe that Michael possesses the skills to survive in a hostile environment? Let’s put it this way: no, I do not.
Photo of Dwight Schrute

Photo of Michael Scott
This is what a true survivor man does. You simulate a disaster, like a plane wreck. You could only wear the clothes that you have on, and you could only use the stuff you have in your pockets. Now, in this case, this disaster is a serial killer. Creepy guy who’s abducted me and is taking me out into the wilderness to leave me for dead.
No, I would never leave you for dead. You would never escape.
Photo of Dwight Schrute
Photo of Michael Scott
Well, yes I would. And I would survive.
I would make sure that you were dead.
Photo of Dwight Schrute
Photo of Michael Scott
Well…
First, I would remove your teeth and cut off your fingertips so you could not be identified.
Photo of Dwight Schrute
Photo of Michael Scott
You…
And they would call me the Overkill Killer.
Photo of Dwight Schrute
Photo of Michael Scott
You… you are as creepy as a real serial killer. For real. blindfolds eyes with tie OK.
What are you doing?
Photo of Dwight Schrute
Photo of Michael Scott
I am putting this on so I have no familiarity with my surroundings. Now this way, I can’t retrace my steps. I don’t know what streets we’ve been— Dwight whacks Michael with his shoe Ow! What are you doing?
It would be better if you were unconscious.
Photo of Dwight Schrute
Photo of Michael Scott
No! Gosh! Dwight. Dwight tries to hit Michael with his shoe again Stop it, stop it! Stop it.
Do you want to do this right or not?
Photo of Dwight Schrute
Photo of Michael Scott
Just, please allow me to have one cathartic experience in my life?

Jim, we need to order a cake for Creed’s birthday.
Photo of Angela Martin
Photo of Jim Halpert
Oh, wasn’t it just someone’s birthday?
Yes. Kelly’s was last week, remember?
Photo of Angela Martin
Photo of Jim Halpert
I do remember, yeah.
It’s birthday month. Creed’s is today. Oscar’s is week after next. Meredith’s is at the end of the month. Jim exhales deeply Michael usually goes with red and white streamers…
Photo of Angela Martin
Photo of Jim Halpert
You know what, I have an idea. Why don’t we just do one big shared party?
What?
Photo of Angela Martin

Photo of Jim Halpert
There are thirteen people working in this office, so thirteen times a year Michael gets a cake and balloons, and some sort of joke gift and makes a toast. There are two types of toasts. One is a joke about how old you are.

flashback to Stanley’s birthday Look at those wrinkles. Blacks do crack! Not crack the drug.
Photo of Michael Scott

Photo of Jim Halpert
And the other is something inappropriate. Or horrible. Or both. What else? He only sings the high harmony to “Happy Birthday.” And he’s a very big believer in surprise parties. Maybe even, arguably, possibly to a fault.

flashback to Kelly’s birthday, hiding in the elevator Happy Birthday!
Photo of Michael Scott
Photo of Kelly Kapoor
Ahhh!! drops the papers she was holding

flashback to Oscar’s birthday, hiding in the break room Happy Birthday!
Photo of Michael Scott
Photo of Oscar Martinez
Ahhh! runs into door and Michael laughs

flashback to Phyllis’ birthday, sneaking up on Phyllis’ car Happy Birthday!
Photo of Michael Scott
Photo of Phyllis
Oh! Michael laughs

So… I think, yeah, I think getting these out of the way might be productive.
Photo of Jim Halpert

Photo of Jim Halpert
We can just have one big fun party. Everybody’s happy, nobody wastes their time.
I don’t like it. Angela leaves
Photo of Angela Martin
Photo of Pam Beesley
Wow! You’re shaking things up a bit, huh?
It’s a pretty good idea, don’t you think?
Photo of Jim Halpert
Photo of Pam Beesley
Do you think it’s a good idea?
No… I think it’s a great idea.
Photo of Jim Halpert
Photo of Pam Beesley
smiles Hmm.

We’re here. gets out of the car
Photo of Dwight Schrute
Photo of Michael Scott
Dwight will take my blindfold off when we are deep in the forest. Just the two of us from this point out.
leading Michael from car Here we go. Just the two of us gestures for camera crew to follow
Photo of Dwight Schrute

Photo of Dwight Schrute
Here we go, into the wild. Mighty forest. Can you smell the trees and the nature?

Keep going, you’re fine. Just some bushes and some thickets leads Michael into some tall grass Keep going. You wanted wilderness, you got it.
Photo of Dwight Schrute

Photo of Jim Halpert
You know, try sending them another invoice.
Ok.
Photo of Oscar Martinez
Photo of Jim Halpert
Alright. starts walking away, but returns Oh, did you see my memo by the way?
picks up and reads memo “Let’s be honest, as fun as birthdays are we could all use a break from the constant cake, so let’s celebrate birthday month in style today.” This is really cool.
Photo of Oscar Martinez
Photo of Jim Halpert
Right? I was just thinking…
No, totally, totally. This way we get it all out of the way at once and it could actually be fun.
Photo of Oscar Martinez
Photo of Jim Halpert
Right! Exactly. pats Oscar on the back and walks away Knew I could count on you. Oscar rolls his eyes

Good a spot as any. They stop and Dwight starts spinning Michael around in circles
Photo of Dwight Schrute
Photo of Michael Scott
What are you doing? Stop. Dwight, Dwight. Just —
I’m just —
Photo of Dwight Schrute
Photo of Michael Scott
Stop.
Spin. I’m trying to confuse your sense of direction. stops spinning and takes Michael’s blindfold off Behold.
Photo of Dwight Schrute
Photo of Michael Scott
Alright, good. Thank you, Dwight.
Here’s your knife. Here’s your duct tape.
Photo of Dwight Schrute
Photo of Michael Scott
Alright, very good. Ahh, OK. Dwight gives Michael a hug
Good luck, Michael.
Photo of Dwight Schrute
Photo of Michael Scott
Thanks for the ride. OK. Leave me be, Dwight. Dwight runs off

Hey, Jim, can I have my own cake?
Photo of Meredith Palmer
Photo of Jim Halpert
What’s that?
I really prefer devils food cake.
Photo of Meredith Palmer
Photo of Jim Halpert
Oh, sure.
Yes!
Photo of Meredith Palmer
Photo of Jim Halpert
OK. Meredith leaves
Wow! That was easy.
Photo of Pam Beesley
Photo of Jim Halpert
Yeah, people like me I guess.
knocking from outside window in break room Jim.
Photo of Creed Bratton

Photo of Creed Bratton
I hate devils food.
Well I think Meredith was just —
Photo of Jim Halpert
Photo of Creed Bratton
Screw Meredith, I don’t think it’s fair to let someone else pick the cake on my birthday.
Everybody’s birthday.
Photo of Jim Halpert
Photo of Creed Bratton
Today is actually my birthday and I want to pick the cake.
What do you want?
Photo of Jim Halpert
Photo of Creed Bratton
I want pie. I want peach pie.
You want a birthday pie?
Photo of Jim Halpert
Photo of Creed Bratton
I want a nice cobbler.
Well, I’m gonna to talk to Angela and we’re gonna see what we can do about a pie.
Photo of Jim Halpert
Photo of Creed Bratton
I don’t care who you talk to. Just make it happen.
It will be Angela.
Photo of Jim Halpert
Photo of Creed Bratton
You tell her it’s for Creed. She’ll know what that means.

to own camcorder Day One. I’m in the interior of the vast Pennsylvania wilderness. I’ve brought with me only the bare essentials. A knife, roll of duct tape, in case I need to craft some shelter or make some sort of water vessel. It’s hot today. The sun is in the two-thirds easterly quadrant, which would make it about looks at watch 2 o’clock in the afternoon. It’s really beating down on me now. I think that I want to get a little more comfortable because the sun is depleting my resources. cuts pants with knife OK. OH, there we go. Watch that I don’t hit my corroded artery here…
Photo of Michael Scott

Photo of Dwight Schrute
I lied to Michael. I said that I would leave him alone, but I will not. I will remain close by to provide unseen moral support, but I will never help him. I will let harm befall him. I will even let him die. But I will never let him lose his dignity.

There we go. standing with short sleeves and short pants Much better. Now everything I brought with me can be used. My sport coat here, can be fashioned into a backpack of sorts ties jacket around neck.
Photo of Michael Scott

Photo of Michael Scott
I’m going to wear what was once one of my pant legs. puts pant leg on head like a hat

See, this is a beautiful piece of material rips other pant leg in half This could be used for all sorts of things.
Photo of Michael Scott

Photo of Michael Scott
Some sort of kerchief to keep my neck nice and comfortable.

Tuna. rolls in chair to Jim’s desk
Photo of Andy Bernard
Photo of Jim Halpert
Andy.
Me likey the ice cream cake, okay? Fudgie the Whale.
Photo of Andy Bernard
Photo of Jim Halpert
Not your birthday.
Well, I’m just saying, you know, if you want to make people happy, namely me, you will have a Fudgie the Whale.
Photo of Andy Bernard
Photo of Jim Halpert
Alright, I’ll look into it, but the answer’s no.
Wow, OK, harsh. Just don’t expect me to show up.
Photo of Andy Bernard
Photo of Jim Halpert
Hey, Andy, I have some calls to make.
Loud and clear. rolls in chair back to desk
Photo of Andy Bernard
Photo of Jim Halpert
Alright. Andy rolls back
Pizza rolls.
Photo of Andy Bernard
Photo of Jim Halpert
OK, I’m gonna go into this office here gets up and walks into Michael’s office to do some work. So I will be in here.
Mushroom caps.
Photo of Andy Bernard

Photo of Michael Scott
I am totally alone right now, with only my thoughts. I love it. I’m loving it. I can literally say anything I want. No one is gonna here me. screams Wish I could have gone with Ryan on that cool retreat! Jan has plastic boobs! I HAVE HEMORRHOIDS! Doesn’t even matter.

Michael is a man of great depth and passion. I don’t know what he’s searching for out here. pulls a nest from a tree I hope he finds it. picks up some bird eggs Lunch.
Photo of Dwight Schrute

Photo of Michael Scott
Well it is a little chillier than I had thought, so I have fashioned my hat back into my pants. Several hours in, time for me to find some nourishment. Now, these woods are full of creatures that can sustain human life. Things like, uh, squirrels, nice juicy rabbit would be delicious.

About two more minutes cooking bird eggs.
Photo of Dwight Schrute

Photo of Michael Scott
I have made this spear, with which I will impale my dinner. And it couldn’t come a moment too soon because I have been without food for a good three hours or so. I’m startin’ to feel it a little bit. Ohh… It’s Creed’s birthday. singing Happy Birthday to you. Happy Birthday to you. Happy Birthday to Creed. Happy Birthday to you. Happy birthday, buddy.

What is Jim thinking? It’s a birthday, so what if there’s a lot of them?
Photo of Meredith Palmer
Photo of Kevin Malone
Yeah, I work hard all day. I like knowing that there’s going to be a break. Most days I just sit and wait for the break.
I took an extra shot of insulin in preparation for this cake today. If I don’t have some cake soon, I might die.
Photo of Stanley Hudson
Photo of Oscar Martinez
Why don’t you just have an apple?
Why don’t you mind your business?
Photo of Stanley Hudson
Photo of Creed Bratton
Listen, I figured this out. Jimmy had his birthday three weeks ago, so he doesn’t care.
Probably went to his head.
Photo of Oscar Martinez
Photo of Creed Bratton
Yeah. Jim enters room
Hey, Jim.
Photo of Oscar Martinez
Photo of Jim Halpert
Hey guys, what’re we talking about?
Nothing! Nothing going on. We’re talking about nothing. C’mon gang.
Photo of Creed Bratton

Photo of Michael Scott
Well if you take a look at this, I tented my pants. I’ve made myself a nice pants tent shelter. And this little guy pats a large tree trunk may be Dunder Mifflin paper some day.

Nothing to worry about. Just using the scope. Safety is… clicks rifle into safety mode on.
Photo of Dwight Schrute

Photo of Toby Flenderson
knocks Hey Jim.
Toby.
Photo of Jim Halpert
Photo of Toby Flenderson
Hey, I just got the word on the communal birthdays. Great idea.
Oh, thanks man.
Photo of Jim Halpert
Photo of Toby Flenderson
Yeah…
Is there anything —
Photo of Jim Halpert
Photo of Toby Flenderson
My birthday was two months ago.
Oh, OK.
Photo of Jim Halpert
Photo of Toby Flenderson
There was no party.
What?
Photo of Jim Halpert
Photo of Toby Flenderson
Well, it… there was. But Michael scheduled it for 4:58 on a Friday. You know, people sang in the parking lot.
I remember that.
Photo of Jim Halpert
Photo of Toby Flenderson
I don’t know, I just thought you could include me.
Seriously?
Photo of Jim Halpert
Photo of Toby Flenderson
I just though you could add me. I don’t see the harm in that.

Toby’s great. He’s great, but sometimes he can be a little bit much. in Toby voice I don’t see the harm in that. Well, it’s a cake Toby, so, c’mon.
Photo of Jim Halpert

Photo of Jim Halpert
OK. Yeah, you know what, we’re just gonna throw you in. Because more the merrier, right?
No. No way. I am not a machine, Jim. You can’t just change plans willy nilly and expect these little magic party elves to do your bidding. We already have devils food, peach cobbler, Fudgie the Whale, mushroom caps.
Photo of Angela Martin
Photo of Toby Flenderson
I’m allergic to mushrooms.
That’s a bummer. OK, then we need to…steps outside office Hey everybody. Hi, how you doing? Can I have your attention please? ‘Cause we have to talk about this birthday thing.
Photo of Jim Halpert
Photo of Pam Beesley
raises hand Conference room?
Yes, conference room in five minutes… No. No. We’re gonna solve it right here. We’re actually gonna talk about it out here. So, who has problems with the birthday thing? everyone raises hands One, two, three, everybody. OK, so then we just shouldn’t do it.
Photo of Jim Halpert
Photo of Angela Martin
What am I supposed to do with two cakes and a pie?’
Oh, I’ll take ’em.
Photo of Kevin Malone
Photo of Creed Bratton
Well nobody’s touching my cobbler.
raises hand Hey, Michael. I mean Jim.
Photo of Phyllis

Photo of Jim Halpert
Yup, Phyllis called me Michael. And I will always and forever be haunted by that fact.

Under this tree, I think I struck the mother load. Those points camera to mushrooms are nature’s best mushrooms. Wild, and I have to say these little buggers are damn tasty as well. puts them in mouth
Photo of Michael Scott
Photo of Dwight Schrute
Stop! No, no Michael! Nooo! Nooo! runs up to Michael and knocks him over Nooo! Arghh. Get, get them out. picks out mushrooms from Michael’s mouth

Happy Birthday to you. Happy Birthday to you. Happy Birthday Michael joins in with high note to Creed. Happy Birthday to you. Creed blows up candles on pie
Photo of Everybody
Photo of Michael Scott
Yeah! everybody clapping Alright, skip around the room. Skip around the room. We want — OK, alright. Yeah, don’t do that. You’re gonna break something.

Man became civilized for a reason. He decided that he liked to have warmth, and clothing, and television, and hamburgers, and to walk upright, and to have a soft futon at the end of the day. He didn’t want to have to struggle to survive. I don’t need the woods. I have a nice wood desk. I don’t need fresh air, because I have the freshest air around, A.C. And I don’t need wide open spaces. Check it out. shows off computer screen scenery I can also make it the sky.
Photo of Michael Scott

Photo of Michael Scott
Hey, buddy.
Hey.
Photo of Jim Halpert
Photo of Michael Scott
What up?
Sure glad you’re back.
Photo of Jim Halpert
Photo of Michael Scott
You are relieved.
You have no idea.
Photo of Jim Halpert
Photo of Michael Scott
So what did I miss?
Well, I tried to put all the birthdays together at once.
Photo of Jim Halpert
Photo of Michael Scott
Oh.
So, terrible idea.
Photo of Jim Halpert
Photo of Michael Scott
Yeah, okay, I did that. Rookie mistake.
You did do it?
Photo of Jim Halpert
Photo of Michael Scott
Uh huh. Yeah, just wait. Ten years, you’ll figure it out.
Well, I don’t think I’ll be here in ten years.
Photo of Jim Halpert
Photo of Michael Scott
That’s what I said. That’s what she said.
That’s what who said?
Photo of Jim Halpert
Photo of Michael Scott
I never know. I just say it. I say stuff like that, you know, to lighten the tension. When things sort of get hard.
That’s what she said.
Photo of Jim Halpert
Photo of Michael Scott
Hey! Nice. Really good. Bravo, my young ward.

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