The Negotiation - The Office (Season 3, Episode 19)

While Jim is talking to Karen on what they should do for the night, Roy enters the office... screams out "Halpert" and heads directly towards Jim. Obviously he's here to "kill Jim Halpert" as he mentioned at the end of the last episode.

As soon as Roy gets close to Jim, Dwight pulls out his pepper spray and fires it at Roy and it spreads everywhere... hitting multiple people. Later Dwight asks "Who's laughing now?" - referring to all the times everyone laughted at him for bringing pepper spray.

Jim says in an interview later that he was lucky that Dwight had been there and that Roy was lucky that Dwight had only used pepper spray. Dwight is then seen showing off the weapons that he keeps - nun-chuks, ninja stars and more.

We find out that Darryl is looking to negotiation his salary. With that information, Michael looks up "negotiation tactics" on Wikipedia and comes up with some hilarious and rather sketchy ones.

After the negotiation, Darryl notices that Michael is wearing a woman's power-suit. Michael denies it vehemently but the label on the suite reads "MISSterious" and it's lined with pink-striped silk.

Michael later attributes his unsatisfactory negotiation with Darryl to making one "tiny" little mistake: he "wore a woman's clothes".

Pam apologizes to Jim, and Jim accepts her apology, but seems slightly resentful at Pam and Roy's connection. He comments on the way that Pam and Roy are "bound to find their way back to one another eventually".

While in discussion with Darryl about his raise, Michael reveals to Darryl how much he makes each week. Darryl appears shocked at how low it is...especially considering how long Michael has been with the company (fourteen years). Eventually, Darryl convinces Michael to call Jan and ask for a raise for himself. Michael talks to Jan on speaker phone, with Darryl nearby, and Jan says that Michael needs to come to Corporate Headquarters to negotiate a raise. Michael agrees, but almost backs out when he finds out he has to bring Toby.

At Corporate Headquarters, Michael enters Jan's office, with some encouragement from Darryl.

As the negotiation begins, Michael meets Jan's new assistant, a young man, and asks Jan "who's the boy-toy?". Jan tells Michael not to bring their relationship in to the negotiation but, Michael, disappointed at Jan's six percent raise offer, threatens Jan with no sex. Toby is asked to leave the room and while he's gone, Jan reveals that she is authorized to give Michael a 12 percent raise... but that he has to ask for it.

Jim catches Angela telling Dwight about how proud she is of him, and then starts passionately kissing. Jim decides that him and Dwight are now even, because he won't tell anybody about what he saw.

The episode closes with Andy returning from anger management. He enters the office seemingly ready to make amends with his co-workers but Dwight hits him with the pepper spray. Toby is then seen confiscating all of Dwight's weapons (which include, a taser, a boomerang, handcuffs, a nightstick, a pair of brass knuckles, and a samurai sword).

Best Funny Quotes From The Office - The Negotiation

So do you want to see it or not?
Photo of Karen
Photo of Jim Halpert
I don’t know. Feel like… Friday night crowds…
Oh my God, you’re like, agoraphobic.
Photo of Karen
Photo of Jim Halpert
Agoraphobic?
Yeah.
Photo of Karen
Photo of Jim Halpert
Really?
Yeah! You would rather sit on your couch and watch a Phillies game, than go out to a movie with your awesome girlfriend.
Photo of Karen
Photo of Jim Halpert
Absolutely correct.
Later, Jim.
Photo of Kevin Malone
Photo of Jim Halpert
Kev, have a good weekend.
Bye. Ok, so this is what’s gonna happen. You’re gonna suck it up.
Photo of Karen
Photo of Jim Halpert
Here we go…
…and we’re gonna go to dinner.
Photo of Karen
Photo of Jim Halpert
Ok…
And then we’re gonna go to the movies.
Photo of Karen
Photo of Jim Halpert
Sounds good.
Hey Halpert!
Photo of Roy
Photo of Jim Halpert
Hey… Roy lunges towards Jim
ROY!
Photo of Pam Beesley
Photo of Karen
shrieks
Roy don’t! Dwight pepper-sprays Roy
Photo of Pam Beesley
Photo of Roy
screams in pain Ahh God!
Pam, please call security!
Photo of Dwight Schrute

Photo of Dwight Schrute
Everyday, for eight years, I have brought pepper spray into this office to protect myself and my fellow employees. And everyday, for eight years, people have laughed at me. Well, who’s laughing now? Dwight blinks and winces in pain from the pepper spray

No need for consternation, everything is under control.
Photo of Michael Scott
Photo of Jan
Michael, last Friday one of your employees attacked another employee in your office!
It was a crime of passion, Jan, not a disgruntled employee. Everyone here is extremely gruntled.
Photo of Michael Scott
Photo of Jan
sigh Is Toby there?
No…
Photo of Michael Scott
Photo of Toby Flenderson
I’m… here, Jan.
Ok, what… what is the situation Toby?
Photo of Jan
Photo of Toby Flenderson
Well, we fired Roy, obviously. And Jim won’t press charges against Roy or the company.
Thank God.
Photo of Jan
Photo of Toby Flenderson
Yeah, um, but now apparently Darryl has some issue with his…
No, he has been wanting a raise for a couple of months and he’s just using this Roy thing as leverage.
Photo of Michael Scott
Photo of Jan
All right, well are you gonna take care of this?
Yeppers.
Photo of Michael Scott
Photo of Jan
What did I tell you about “yeppers?”
I don’t… remember.
Photo of Michael Scott
Photo of Jan
I told you not to say it. Do you remember that?
Yeesh…
Photo of Michael Scott

Photo of Pam Beesley
I really don’t want to talk about it. I don’t mean to be rude, but I just… I don’t want to comment on what happened. It sucked.

I guess… all things considered, I was lucky Dwight was there. And Roy was lucky that Dwight only used pepper spray. And not the nunchucks or the throwing stars.
Photo of Jim Halpert

Photo of Jim Halpert
Hey man, I never got a chance to thank you… for stopping Roy. Thank you.
Thank you not necessary and thus, not accepted. I saw someone breaking the law and I interceded.
Photo of Dwight Schrute
Photo of Jim Halpert
Okay. Um… Got you something.
Don’t want it.
Photo of Dwight Schrute
Photo of Jim Halpert
You don’t know what it is.
Don’t want it. Won’t open it. Don’t need it. Won’t take it. Citizens do not accept prizes for being citizens.
Photo of Dwight Schrute

Photo of Jim Halpert
It was a little glass display case for his for his bobblehead. That would have made us even, I think. He saves my life, I get him a box for his desk toy. Even Steven.

No, don’t call me a hero. Do you know who the real heroes are? The guys who wake up every morning, and go into their normal jobs, and get a distress call from the commissioner, and take off their glasses and change into capes and fly around fighting crime. Those are the real heroes.
Photo of Dwight Schrute

Photo of Oscar Martinez
Angela, Roy’s check. He’s coming in later to pick it up.
Man, I cannot believe I missed the fight.
Photo of Kevin Malone
Photo of Oscar Martinez
It was crazy.
You saw it? Describe it please.
Photo of Angela Martin
Photo of Oscar Martinez
Well, I heard some shouting. And I look over and Roy’s by reception and you could just tell he’s gonna punch somebody. Jim says something. Roy stomps over there. All of the sudden, BAM. Roy goes down, and Dwight’s standing there like an action hero.
Oh…
Photo of Angela Martin
Photo of Oscar Martinez
It was insane!
flustered Well… good for Dwight.
Photo of Angela Martin

Photo of Michael Scott
Ok I want you to be Darryl and ask me for a raise, because I want to try out some of these negotiation tactics on you.
Where’d you get that?
Photo of Jim Halpert
Photo of Michael Scott
Wikipedia.

Wikipedia… is the best thing ever. Anyone in the world can write anything they want about any subject, so you know you are getting the best possible information.
Photo of Michael Scott

Photo of Michael Scott
Ok, Darryl, ask me for a raise.
Hey, Mike. Since Roy left I’ve been doing a lot more work, and I need a raise.
Photo of Jim Halpert
Photo of Michael Scott
Hmm, well that’s interesting Darryl. I think… mumbling softly that maybe you should… mumbling jibberish
I can’t hear you.
Photo of Jim Halpert
Photo of Michael Scott
What I’m saying is that, continues to mumble jibberish
Still nothin’.
Photo of Jim Halpert
Photo of Michael Scott
Ok, see what I did?
No.
Photo of Jim Halpert
Photo of Michael Scott
By leaning back, and by whispering, I established a dominant physical position.
Nice.
Photo of Jim Halpert
Photo of Michael Scott
Ok, let’s try another one. Um…
Okay.
Photo of Jim Halpert
Photo of Michael Scott
Walking out of the room unexpectedly.
And what happens in this one?
Photo of Jim Halpert
Photo of Michael Scott
It’s a surprise.
Okay.
Photo of Jim Halpert
Photo of Michael Scott
Go ahead, ask me for a raise.
Can I have a raise?
Photo of Jim Halpert
Photo of Michael Scott
gets up and begins to walk out of the room
softly Sex, Steve Martin, Terri Hatcher.
Photo of Jim Halpert
Photo of Michael Scott
What?
What?
Photo of Jim Halpert
Photo of Michael Scott
No, what did you say?
I didn’t say anything. I was waiting to see what happened.
Photo of Jim Halpert
Photo of Michael Scott
Oh it… sounded interesting… what you were gonna…

I saw the perpetrator advance toward the victim at a high rate of speed. His head was thrown back, his shoulder and arm cocked indicating an attack position. Perp grabbed the victim. I removed my weapon from its secure hiding place.
Photo of Dwight Schrute
Photo of Toby Flenderson
Which is where?
Irrelevant. Discharged it at a distance of a little over a meter into the perpetrator’s eyes, nose, and face area. Rendering him utterly and completely disabled. Then I contacted the authorities. The end.
Photo of Dwight Schrute
Photo of Toby Flenderson
Thanks Dwight.

That is the bravest thing I have ever heard.
Photo of Kelly Kapoor
Photo of Ryan
I can’t imagine what I would have done.
I can. You would have left me to fend for myself. Like that time we were on the Ferris Wheel and that kid dropped a milk shake on me and you just laughed.
Photo of Kelly Kapoor
Photo of Ryan
Well that was funny, that’s why.
Oh it was?
Photo of Kelly Kapoor
Photo of Ryan
Mm-hmm.
Okay, well the next time that you get scared, that you think a murderer’s in your apartment in the middle of the night…
Photo of Kelly Kapoor
Photo of Ryan
Okay.
…and you call me, to calm you down…
Photo of Kelly Kapoor
Photo of Ryan
You know what? I didn’t—
Can you stop…
Photo of Toby Flenderson
Photo of Kelly Kapoor
…you can just call somebody else ’cause I’m not gonna do it anymore, Ryan. I’m not.
There’s a bunch of people back here, maybe…
Photo of Toby Flenderson
Photo of Ryan
Well, don’t talk to me about calling people in the middle of the night…
Guys…
Photo of Toby Flenderson
Photo of Kelly Kapoor
I call you in the middle of the night to tell you that I love you!

I don’t think Michael intended to punish me, by putting Ryan back here with Kelly. But, if he did intend that? Wow. Genius.
Photo of Toby Flenderson

Photo of Michael Scott
knock on door Yeah.
You ready for me?
Photo of Darryl Phylbin
Photo of Michael Scott
Yes, yeah, absolutely. Have a seat.
Cool.
Photo of Darryl Phylbin
Photo of Michael Scott
You know what? Actually, let’s go into the conference room.
Okay.
Photo of Darryl Phylbin
Photo of Michael Scott
No, you know what? Let’s stay here. No let’s go… Yeah let’s go to the conference room.

Tactic number six. Change the location of the meeting at the last second. Totally throws ’em off.
Photo of Michael Scott

Photo of Michael Scott
Number 14, declining to speak first. Makes them feel uncomfortable, puts you in control.

long pause I am declining to speak first.
Photo of Michael Scott
Photo of Darryl Phylbin
Okay, I’ll start. It’s pretty simple really. I uh, I think I deserve a raise. I’m scheduled to get one in six months, but I’d like that to be moved up to now.
Hmm. Ohh, Darryl. You are a good worker, and a good man. I just, you know, times are tight. And I just don’t think corporate is going to go for this right now.
Photo of Michael Scott
Photo of Darryl Phylbin
Are you wearin’ lady clothes?
What?
Photo of Michael Scott
Photo of Darryl Phylbin
Are you wearin’ lady clothes? Those look like lady… pants.
No, this is a power suit.
Photo of Michael Scott
Photo of Darryl Phylbin
That there’s a woman’s suit.
Darryl laughs I do not buy woman’s clothes. I would not make that mistake again.
Photo of Michael Scott
Photo of Darryl Phylbin
I’ma call Roy, man.
Ohh… kay.
Photo of Michael Scott
Photo of Darryl Phylbin
This is gonna make him feel better.
All right.
Photo of Michael Scott
Photo of Darryl Phylbin
This is too good.
Alright, you know what? Pam, could you please tell Darryl that this is not a woman’s suit?
Photo of Michael Scott
Photo of Pam Beesley
Oh my God, that’s a woman’s suit!
You’re wearing a woman’s suit?
Photo of Kevin Malone
Photo of Michael Scott
No, I do, I, I wear men’s suits, OK? I got this out of a bin.

There were these huge bins of clothes, and everybody was rifling through them like crazy, and I grabbed one. And it fit! So I don’t think that this is totally just a woman’s suit. At the very least it’s bisexual.
Photo of Michael Scott

Photo of Kevin Malone
Who makes it?
Uh, reading the inside of his jacket MISSterious. And it is mysterious because the buttons are on the wrong side… that’s the mystery.
Photo of Michael Scott
Photo of Phyllis
Look, it’s got shoulderpads, and did you see that lining?
Okay.
Photo of Michael Scott
Photo of Phyllis
Did you see…
Would you stop it, please?
Photo of Michael Scott
Photo of Jim Halpert
So, none of that tipped you off?
It’s European, OK? It’s a European cut.
Photo of Michael Scott
Photo of Pam Beesley
Michael, the pants don’t have any pockets.
No, they don’t. See? Michael lifts his jacket tail, sticks out his back side and shows Pam
Photo of Michael Scott
Photo of Pam Beesley
Laughing, covering her mouth
Italians don’t wear pockets.
Photo of Michael Scott

Photo of Pam Beesley
It’s been a really rough couple of days… This helps a little.

Hey, maybe you want to come over and raid my closet?
Photo of Karen
Photo of Michael Scott
No, I don’t want to do that because I’m twice your size anyway.
Yeah, he look like Hillary Clinton.
Photo of Darryl Phylbin
Photo of Michael Scott
Um, let’s just do this in 15 minutes.
Okay, can you just stand right there? snaps camera phone picture I gotta send some e-mails.
Photo of Darryl Phylbin

Photo of Michael Scott
Negotiations are all about controlling things. About being in the driver’s seat. And make one tiny mistake, you’re dead. I made one tiny mistake. I wore woman’s clothes.

Karen, how do you feel that Roy tried to kick your boyfriend’s ass over another woman?
Photo of Kevin Malone
Photo of Karen
I feel great, Kevin. Thank you.
You must have been scared out of your mind.
Photo of Stanley Hudson
Photo of Karen
Well, you know it happened so fast I didn’t really have time to be scared.
What happened, exactly? I wasn’t here, so I haven’t really heard the whole story.
Photo of Angela Martin
Photo of Karen
Um, well, Jim and I were talking and Roy walked in looking super angry.
Mm-hmm.
Photo of Angela Martin
Photo of Karen
And he’s a big dude, you know? And all of a sudden, Jim pushed me out of the way, and Roy cocked his fist, and then bam, Dwight sprays him and knocks him on his butt.
flustered Goodness.
Photo of Angela Martin

Photo of Karen
When I heard Jim and Pam had kissed, my reaction was to have lots of long talks with Jim about our feelings. Roy just attacked him. I’m not sure which one Jim hated more.

Let’s get down to business. Why don’t you tell me why you think you deserve a raise.
Photo of Michael Scott
Photo of Darryl Phylbin
Well, it’s simple Mike. I mean we merged these two branches right? So now we’re shipping twice as many orders as we used to. With Roy gone we got a smaller crew. And I’m pickin’ up all of his slack, so I think I should be compensated fairly, by gettin’ a raise.
mumbles jibberish
Photo of Michael Scott
Photo of Darryl Phylbin
What? I can’t hear you.
mumbling softly That was a very good point.
Photo of Michael Scott
Photo of Darryl Phylbin
I can’t— what, Mike? Are you—
mumbling softly You make a very compelling argument.
Photo of Michael Scott

Photo of Pam Beesley
Sorry I almost got you killed.
Yeah, that was nuts.
Photo of Jim Halpert
Photo of Pam Beesley
He could have broken your nose or something. Crazy. It’s just so stupid. I mean, getting back with Roy and everything. I mean, what was I thinking, right?
No, I mean, you guys really seem to have a strong connection.
Photo of Jim Halpert
Photo of Pam Beesley
Not anymore. It’s, um… It’s completely over now.
We’ll see. I’m sure you guys will… find you way back to one another someday.
Photo of Jim Halpert
Photo of Pam Beesley
Jim… I am really… sorry.
Oh, yeah. Don’t worry about it.
Photo of Jim Halpert

Photo of Michael Scott
I am going to give you a piece of paper. I want you to write down how much you want, and I want you to slide it back across the desk to me.
Why can’t I just… tell you?
Photo of Darryl Phylbin
Photo of Michael Scott
Because, that is the way these things are done. In… films. Darryl writes the amount and starts to hand the paper to Michael No, slide— slide it, yes.
There you go.
Photo of Darryl Phylbin
Photo of Michael Scott
Oh. scoffs Come on. Be serious.
I am serious, Mike. That’s a 10% raise. That’s what I want.
Photo of Darryl Phylbin
Photo of Michael Scott
I… I can’t give you that, I— I don’t make this much.
Come on, be for real Mike.
Photo of Darryl Phylbin
Photo of Michael Scott
I don’t. Want me to prove it to you? There is… a pay stub.
laughs Are you serious? You’re earning this?
Photo of Darryl Phylbin
Photo of Michael Scott
Plus perks, yes.
Mike, this is barely more than I make. You been here ten years, dog. laughs
Photo of Darryl Phylbin
Photo of Michael Scott
Fourteen years.
Ho-ho!
Photo of Darryl Phylbin
Photo of Michael Scott
No, please, please…
Oh, I’m sorry Mike, some of my folks got to hear about this one. texting on cell phone Ah. laughs
Photo of Darryl Phylbin
Photo of Michael Scott
Ok, let’s take 15, again.

A boss’s salary isn’t just about money, it is about perks. It… for example, every year I get a $100 gas card… Can’t put a price tag on that.
Photo of Michael Scott

Photo of Jim Halpert
Ok, if you don’t want a gift, at least let me buy you a beer, or lunch or something.
When Han Solo returns to the Death Star in the Millennium Falcon, and shoots down the TIE fighters and saves the Rebel cause, do you think he does so for a free beer?
Photo of Dwight Schrute
Photo of Jim Halpert
Boy I—
No. And why are you so interested in buying me something Jim, what’s your angle?
Photo of Dwight Schrute

Photo of Jim Halpert
It’s like when he annoys me and I want to screw with him to get him back, he never sees it coming. But now, I want to be nice to him, and actually give him something, and he’s like an eel. I just can’t grab onto him. It’s infuriating.
Maybe you just feel guilty about all the pranks.
Photo of Karen
Photo of Jim Halpert
Well… yes, that’s probably what it is. So what do I do?
Hmm… I don’t know. Maybe you should go back out there and sell paper so we can go on a trip.
Photo of Karen

Photo of Kevin Malone
Michael, here’s the, uh, $15 I owe you.
Oh, thank you.
Photo of Michael Scott
Photo of Kevin Malone
Yeah. I heard you might need it. So…
Here’s the $40 you gave me.
Photo of Creed Bratton
Photo of Michael Scott
I didn’t give you $40.
In a way you did.
Photo of Creed Bratton

Photo of Stanley Hudson
Yeah, I heard how much Michael makes. I still think he’s way overpaid.

on cell phone Fourteen years. Fourteen. I know. laughing Ok, alright. I gotta go. Later. hangs up
Photo of Darryl Phylbin
Photo of Michael Scott
Okay. Okay, here’s the straight… dope. No tricks. No Wikipedia.
What?
Photo of Darryl Phylbin
Photo of Michael Scott
I talked to corporate, and they told me that I can only give you a 5% raise.
That’s ’cause of you, Mike. They’re not gonna give the workin’ man more than the boss.
Photo of Darryl Phylbin
Photo of Michael Scott
Well what am I supposed to do?
Get your own raise. You gotta get out there and earn, son.
Photo of Darryl Phylbin
Photo of Michael Scott
I’m not gonna go out and ask for a raise right now. That is ridiculous.
Well, when they merged the two branches together, they put you in charge. Okay, and we’re shippin’ more now than we ever have.
Photo of Darryl Phylbin
Photo of Michael Scott
exhales That’s true.
Yeah that’s true. You gotta call your girl, and get paid. Show her who wears the pants in the relationship.
Photo of Darryl Phylbin
Photo of Michael Scott
You know what? I should.
Yeah, you should.
Photo of Darryl Phylbin
Photo of Michael Scott
I have been a loyal employee for a long time.
Fourteen years long.
Photo of Darryl Phylbin
Photo of Michael Scott
You know what? I deserve a bump.
Make it happen, cap’in.
Photo of Darryl Phylbin
Photo of Michael Scott
I am makin’ it happen, sergeant.

I remember it was very late at night, like 11, 11:30. Big fella comes in screamin’ about God knows what. I think maybe Halpert had stolen his car. Angela rolls her eyes Something like that. So the big fella pulls out a sock filled with nickels. Then Schrute grabs a can of hairspray and a lighter—
Photo of Creed Bratton
Photo of Angela Martin
You’re useless.

Why don’t we talk next month, after the quarter ends?
Photo of Jan
Photo of Michael Scott
No, Jan. I’ve never asked for a raise in 14 years. This is long overdue. I wanna do it today.
Today. All right, well, uh, if you want to do it today, we should meet in person, and uh, can you get here by five?
Photo of Jan
Photo of Michael Scott
Yshhyah. Um, yeah. I’ll leave right away.
Great. Uh, and listen. Because of our, uh, our… you know, situation, we’re gonna need to have a third party present.
Photo of Jan
Photo of Michael Scott
Yes, I’m bringing Darryl.
Da— Darryl from the warehouse?
Photo of Jan
Photo of Michael Scott
Mm-hm.
No, Michael. We, we need an HR rep. So, uh, I think you should just bring Toby.
Photo of Jan
Photo of Michael Scott
Hey, I’d rather kill myself.
Michael, he’s your branch’s HR rep…
Photo of Jan
Photo of Michael Scott
talking over Jan No, Toby is terrible. Toby is the worst human being I’ve ever known.
…and we need someone else, in the room, because of our relationship. You know this. Michael, either Toby comes with you, or we don’t do it.
Photo of Jan
Photo of Michael Scott
sighs Fine.

You are so mean.
Photo of Kelly Kapoor
Photo of Ryan
I don’t know what you’re talking about.
Yes you do, Ryan Bailey Howard. You called me stupid.
Photo of Kelly Kapoor
Photo of Ryan
No, I said your idea was stupid.
Toby, come on. Let’s go.
Photo of Michael Scott
Photo of Toby Flenderson
Where?
Where? I’m gonna smack you in the head with a hammer. Come on, let’s go.
Photo of Michael Scott
Photo of Kelly Kapoor
What is so stupid about wanting to name a baby Usher?
Alright.
Photo of Toby Flenderson
Photo of Kelly Kapoor
Usher Jennifer Hudson Kapoor.
Don’t you see why that’s insane?
Photo of Ryan
Photo of Kelly Kapoor
Oh, so I’m crazy now?

Comfortable, Mike?
Photo of Darryl Phylbin
Photo of Michael Scott
Yeah. Fine.
How about you, man. Comfortable?
Photo of Darryl Phylbin
Photo of Toby Flenderson
No.
imitating Chris Tucker Don’t ever touch a black man’s radio! …Chris Tucker. Rush Hour. I won’t touch yours, by the way.
Photo of Michael Scott
Photo of Darryl Phylbin
Thank you.
Well…
Photo of Michael Scott
Photo of Darryl Phylbin
I haven’t been to New York in a long time.
Mm, the Big Apple.
Photo of Michael Scott
Photo of Darryl Phylbin
Maybe I’ll stay overnight. Got a cousin lives down there.
How would we get home?
Photo of Toby Flenderson
Photo of Darryl Phylbin
Oh you could stay too. He’s got a big place.
Maybe I’ll stay.
Photo of Michael Scott
Photo of Darryl Phylbin
Mm, it’s not that big.
Well…
Photo of Michael Scott
Photo of Darryl Phylbin
Busses, though. They get you home quick.
mouth full of pretzels Oh, I…
Photo of Michael Scott

Photo of Kelly Kapoor
And all of a sudden, Dwight stood up and was like “No!”
Then what’d he do? Kelly’s phone rings
Photo of Angela Martin
Photo of Kelly Kapoor
You should just read the report that Toby did. He took everyone’s stories. answering phone Dunder Mifflin, customer service, this is Kelly. Oh yeah I could totally help you with that. Ok, let me just get the folder out. Okay, it seems here that you ordered 12,000 reams of paper. Oh, 12 reams…

Hey guys, Jan is ready for you.
Photo of Hunter
Photo of Darryl Phylbin
Okay, bring it home now. And don’t forget the new black man phrase I taught you.
Pippity poppity, give me the zoppity.
Photo of Michael Scott
Photo of Darryl Phylbin
Yes sir. Remember that. I’ll be right outside if you need me
All right.
Photo of Michael Scott

Photo of Darryl Phylbin
Yeah, I taught Mike some new phrases. I want him to get the raise, I… just can’t help myself.

to Jim Hey man, uh… I’m sorry. Jim motions “Don’t worry about it” Roy receives his check from Angela Thanks. to Pam Can I, like, see you after work for coffee, or… something?
Photo of Roy
Photo of Pam Beesley
I don’t know.
Please. I just got some stuff I gotta say to you. Pam nods, meekly
Photo of Roy
Photo of Kevin Malone
as Roy is walking out Jim— Roy— Look out!
Thanks, Kev. I’m good though.
Photo of Jim Halpert

Photo of Jan
Thank you, Hunter. to Michael and Toby Hello. Come in. exhales Ah, Okay.
Who’s the boy toy?
Photo of Michael Scott
Photo of Jan
That’s my new assistant.
Were you going to tell me that you hired James Van Der Beek?
Photo of Michael Scott
Photo of Jan
I have to call you the second I get a new assistant?
Be nice to get a memo, we are lovers.
Photo of Michael Scott
Photo of Toby Flenderson
Hi, Jan.
Hi, Toby. clears throat First— Michael clears his throat First off, Michael, this is a salary negotiation. All matters regarding our personal relationship have to be set aside. Are we clear?
Photo of Jan
Photo of Michael Scott
Pippity poppity.
Right now we can offer you a 6% raise.
Photo of Jan
Photo of Michael Scott
Six percent? After all we’ve been through?
Oh, God.
Photo of Jan
Photo of Michael Scott
I got you… jade earrings.
Michael—
Photo of Jan
Photo of Michael Scott
No!
Michael—
Photo of Jan
Photo of Michael Scott
No. You gonna play it like this? You give me a good raise, or no more sex. Toby begins to write to Toby What are you writing, perv-ball?
Just preparing for the deposition.
Photo of Toby Flenderson

Photo of Toby Flenderson
This may be the first time that a male subordinate has attempted to get a modest scheduled raise by threatening to withhold sex from a female superior. It will be a groundbreaking case when it inevitably goes to trial.

I’m so sorry, Pammy. I really wasn’t gonna do anything. But then I… kept thinkin’ about you two together, and… I just thought you guys were really good friends, or… or maybe he was gay or somethin’… Not that that’s wrong.
Photo of Roy
Photo of Pam Beesley
I’m sorry too. I just, I think that we both made some bad choices.
So you gonna start datin’ Halpert then?
Photo of Roy
Photo of Pam Beesley
Um… no. No, he has a girlfriend.
Oh yeah… Wait a minute, you… broke off our wedding for the guy.
Photo of Roy
Photo of Pam Beesley
No, there were a lot of reasons.
But you’re not even gonna try to go out with him? Pam meekly shakes her head I don’t get you Pam.
Photo of Roy
Photo of Pam Beesley
I know.

What’s this?
Photo of Dwight Schrute
Photo of Jim Halpert
What’s what?
Certificate of Bravery, from the Scranton Police Department. “Recognizing outstanding citizenship from a very brave young man. Dwight K. Schrute”
Photo of Dwight Schrute
Photo of Jim Halpert
Wow. I guess word got around. That’s a nice… honor.
Please. They hand these out to little kids. Look. There’s a teddy bear in a policeman’s cap.
Photo of Dwight Schrute
Photo of Jim Halpert
under his breath Didn’t think you’d notice…

Why don’t you just take that pen and stab me in the heart. This is me, Jan. This is me!
Photo of Michael Scott
Photo of Jan
Okay, Michael. Please, why don’t we just take a break. This is really going nowhere.
Okay, no, no, no, no. You do not try tactic number eight on me. I invented tactic number eight. I’m not going anywhere.
Photo of Michael Scott
Photo of Jan
Ok, Toby, how about if you…
Sure.
Photo of Toby Flenderson
Photo of Jan
Great.

What’s wrong with you?
Photo of Jan
Photo of Michael Scott
Ohh. It was a weird day. I accidentally cross-dressed. And then Darryl made me feel bad for not making any money. And then I had to ride up here with stupid Toby. And then, your assistant, is all young and hot. And I—
Okay, Michael. I can offer you a 12% raise, but you have got to ask for 15.
Photo of Jan
Photo of Michael Scott
Well that’s ridiculous I’m not gonna make—
No, just… I just need you to ask for it, so I can record that you asked for it. Okay?
Photo of Jan
Photo of Michael Scott
Ah, so… All right, Levinson. Here’s the rub. I would like a 15% raise.
No. But we can offer you 12.
Photo of Jan
Photo of Michael Scott
But you just said 15.

Negotiation is an art. Back and forth. Give and take. And today, both Darryl and I took something. Higher salaries. Win win win. But you know, life is about more… than just salaries. It’s about perks. Like having sex with Jan–
Photo of Michael Scott
Photo of Jan
Michael!

So you and Bob are looking at a historical house?
Photo of Stanley Hudson
Photo of Phyllis
Mm-hmm, near the river.
Mm, how many bedrooms?
Photo of Stanley Hudson
Photo of Phyllis
Four.

Dwight. Dwight. I’ve been doing some very interesting reading.
Photo of Angela Martin
Photo of Dwight Schrute
Really?
Mm-hmm. Tales of bravery.
Photo of Angela Martin
Photo of Dwight Schrute
Mm, good stuff.
Mm-hmm. I was thinking tonight, we could… read it together.
Photo of Angela Martin
Photo of Dwight Schrute
Sounds… fun. they kiss, Jim walks out of the bathroom and sees

scoffs I… will never say a word. And now, we are even.
Photo of Jim Halpert

Photo of Andy Bernard
I graduated from anger management the same way I graduated from Cornell. On time. Now I’m back. Got a second chance, and I’m not gonna blow it. in a forceful voice So look out Dunder Mifflin! laughs snaps I mean, look out… in a fun way! You know, not like, I’m gonna hurt you…

Hey guys! Guess who’s back! Dwight pepper-spray’s Andy AHHH! screams in pain OH, GOD!
Photo of Andy Bernard
Photo of Dwight Schrute
No need to thank me.

I am not a hero. I am a mere defender of the office. You know who’s a real hero? Hiro, from Heroes. That’s a hero. Also, Bono.
Photo of Dwight Schrute

Photo of Michael Scott
Look, I am not a gazillionaire. I can’t… I can’t dress like Donald Trump dresses. I have to stay within the parameters of my budget. I can’t shop at a fancy Norwegian boutique. I buy my suits the old fashioned way. I buy them from discount stores… or on eBay. And when I found out that Ross was having a midnight madness sale, I ran, not walked, as per the instructions on the flier. And I got there, and when the doors opened, all of these women ran to this one bin. And I did too. And I grabbed this suit. And a woman, sort of a, I don’t know, Missy Elliot type, grabbed the jacket. And, uh, we had kind of a heated tug of war. And I could tell by the way she was screaming that this must be a get. And I figured she was just buying it for her husband, to answer your question from before. Um, anyway, she s… socked me, in the eye. And she got it, she got the suit. But, I went to the Ross, in Trenton New Jersey, and I found the exact same suit. And I didn’t have to deal with Missy Elliot.

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