The Merger - The Office (Season 3, Episode 8)

Original Air Date: November 16, 2006

Pam is in an especially good mood today...Jim's returning to work at the branch today.

Andy lets us know his intention is to be the new #2 at the branch. And to Dwight's utter dismay, Andy out ranks him in Title. Ouch!!! Dwight immediately goes to Michael to confirm this information. Michael is quickly irrated and tells Dwight it really doesn't matter since they all report to him.

Since Ryan took over Jim's desk, Jim is forced to move to another seat.

Michael heard everyone into the conference room and shows them a video "Lazy Scranton". It's a rap that explains the ends and outs of working at the branch.

Throughout the day Andy and Dwight have pissing contests.

Aside from pissing off Dwight in the usual manner he also does it by hitting on Angela.

Jim rejects Pam's offer to catch up over coffee after work.

One of hte new employees was using a breast pump distracting most of the office. Creed takes a picture of it and uses it as his computer's screensaver.

To mellow the mood, Michael has an integration celebration in the conference room and reinvents "Night at the Roxbury".

Of course Michael humiliates one of the new employees and he quits on the spot, blaming Michael's management style.

At the end of the day, Pam notices something between Jim and Karen and is disturbed.

To end any dispute, Jan tells Michael that Jim is the branch's #2 in command.

In the parking lot afterwork, Jim's on the phone making plans with Karen. He sees Pam and goes to talk to her. He explains that he has started seeing someone. She says it's fine because they're friends.

Best Funny Quotes from The Office - The Merger

The Stamford branch is closing and everybody’s just packing up their stuff. Andy Bernard made these tasteful hats.
Photo of Jim Halpert

Photo of Andy Bernard
to office worker That’s the other thing you got to watch out… to Jim Yo! Tuna! I wanna talk to you about this new boss, Michael Scott.
Yeah.
Photo of Jim Halpert
Photo of Andy Bernard
So what’s he like? Likes? Dislikes? Favorite sports? Favorite movies? Favorite men’s magazines?
You know what? I think you just need to meet him.
Photo of Jim Halpert
Photo of Andy Bernard
Playing your cards close to the vest. I get it. Good luck over there, Tuna. Cross me and I will destroy you.
Sounds good Andy.
Photo of Jim Halpert
Photo of Karen
This is going to be an adventure.
Yes. This is going to be very interesting. All right, I’m out of here. See you later?
Photo of Jim Halpert
Photo of Karen
Right on. to Andy Hey is that Josh’s computer?
What?
Photo of Andy Bernard

Photo of Pam Beesley
Hey!
Hey.
Photo of Toby Flenderson
Photo of Pam Beesley
How’d the run go?
Ah, pretty good. I finished.
Photo of Toby Flenderson
Photo of Pam Beesley
That’s great!
Psh, why is that great?
Photo of Dwight Schrute
Photo of Pam Beesley
Because he accomplished something.
What was your mile time?
Photo of Dwight Schrute
Photo of Toby Flenderson
About seven.
scoffs I could beat that on a skateboard.
Photo of Dwight Schrute
Photo of Toby Flenderson
Well, that has wheels.
Yeah, well my feet don’t. And I can still crush that time.
Photo of Dwight Schrute
Photo of Pam Beesley
Really, Dwight? How fast are you?
Let’s just put it this way. Last weekend I outran a black pepper snake.
Photo of Dwight Schrute
Photo of Pam Beesley
Really?

I am fast. To give you a reference point. I’m somewhere between a snake and a mongoose. And a panther.
Photo of Dwight Schrute

Photo of Dwight Schrute
Man, what is taking Toby so long?
Oh, I’ll just time him later.
Photo of Pam Beesley
Photo of Dwight Schrute
And you’ll compare the times?
Yeah. Are you ready?
Photo of Pam Beesley
Photo of Dwight Schrute
No, my groin…
Set
Photo of Pam Beesley
Photo of Dwight Schrute
…is really tight.
Go!
Photo of Pam Beesley
Photo of Dwight Schrute
I can’t… starts running
Am I being mean to Dwight? I don’t know. I did just make him run around the building and I have no intention of timing him. This isn’t even a stopwatch. It’s a digital thermometer. He does make my life harder, sometimes. And on purpose. Like he tried to put meters on the bathroom stalls as a way of bringing in more money for the company. yells to Dwight Hey, three more laps to go. Gotta pick it up if you’re going to beat Toby.
Photo of Pam Beesley
Photo of Dwight Schrute
Aaaaah!
I should probably get back to work.
Photo of Pam Beesley

Photo of Michael Scott
Here… Who’s here?
Nametag?
Photo of Dwight Schrute
Photo of Michael Scott
Yes, please.
Karen Filippelli.
Photo of Dwight Schrute
Photo of Michael Scott
Karen Filip… In Italian voice Ka-ren Fili-pell-li.
Probably Italian. Possibly Filipino.
Photo of Dwight Schrute
Photo of Michael Scott
Okay.

My branch is absorbing the Stamford branch. Or, as I like to put it, my family is doubling in size. That’s all I’m going to say about it because I have a gigantic performance ahead of me. And I have to get into my head and focus. exhales
Photo of Michael Scott

Photo of Michael Scott
Who’s next?
That’s Andy Bernard.
Photo of Dwight Schrute
Photo of Michael Scott
Andy Bernard.
If I were you…
Photo of Dwight Schrute
Photo of Michael Scott
Saint Bernard.
…I would fire Anthony Gardner…
Photo of Dwight Schrute
Photo of Michael Scott
What?
…before noon…
Photo of Dwight Schrute
Photo of Michael Scott
I’m not…
…to consolidate power.
Photo of Dwight Schrute
Photo of Michael Scott
I’m not firing somebody on the first day.
No, no, no! Not somebody. Gardner.
Photo of Dwight Schrute

Photo of Dwight Schrute
The Japanese camp guards of World War II always chose one man to kill whenever a batch of new prisoners arrived. I always wondered how they chose the man who was to die. I think I would have been good at choosing the person.

Good morning!
Photo of Pam Beesley
Photo of Michael Scott
Got the food? Good! Looky-looky-looky. What I want you to do… set it up in the conference room, please. Make it look nice. As if you are trying to impress a much older man who’s way out of your league.
Okay.
Photo of Pam Beesley

Photo of Pam Beesley
Yes! I’m in a good mood today! I’m excited to meet all the new people and to see my old friend again, definitely. That’s always a thing that makes people happy… to have an old friend back.

Hello?
Photo of Hannah
Photo of Michael Scott
Ah! Ding-ding-ding-ding-ding. Our first arrival. Welcome to Scranton. This is Hannah Smoterich-Barr.
Hannah Smoterich-Barr.
Photo of Dwight Schrute
Photo of Michael Scott
Welcome to our humble abode. Follow me to your desk. Your ball and chain is right over here.

You know for a lot of these people this is the only family they have. So… As far as I’m concerned, holds up WORLD’S BEST BOSS mug this says ‘World’s Best Dad’.
Photo of Michael Scott

Photo of Michael Scott
Ah! There he is Tony… what’s your last name?
Gardner.
Photo of Tony
Photo of Michael Scott
Gardner! I knew that. There you go. Gift bag… for you. laughs Okay.
Thanks.
Photo of Tony
Photo of Kevin Malone
Michael, I didn’t get a gift bag.
Well, they’re just for guests. If there are any left over, you can buy one later.
Photo of Michael Scott
Photo of Hannah
My bag’s mostly pencils.
Wh..and coupons… to various hot spots around Scranton. to Tony All right! Let me show you to your area, sir. Come on, big guy.
Photo of Michael Scott
Photo of Kevin Malone
Can I have your pencils?
No.
Photo of Hannah
Photo of Pam Beesley
Hi!
Hi.
Photo of Karen
Photo of Pam Beesley
I’m Pam.
Karen. I love your sweater.
Photo of Karen
Photo of Pam Beesley
Oh, thanks. My Mom made it for me.
Really? That’s so cool. I’ve always wanted to learn…
Photo of Karen
Photo of Michael Scott
Welcome.
…to knit.
Photo of Karen
Photo of Michael Scott
Welcome, welcome, welcome! in robot voice Take me to your leader. Oh wait, I am your leader.
Uh wait, are you a robot or a Martian?
Photo of Karen
Photo of Michael Scott
Mmm… dah. I am actually your boss, Michael Scott. Welcome. Wow! You are very exotic looking. Was your dad a G.I. or uh?

I’ll be the Number Two guy here in Scranton in six weeks. How? Name repetition, personality mirroring, and never breaking off a handshake. I’m always thinking one step ahead. Like a carpenter that makes stairs.
Photo of Andy Bernard

Photo of Andy Bernard
Hello.
Ah! You must be Andy Bernard. Aloha and welcome!
Photo of Michael Scott
Photo of Andy Bernard
And you must be Michael Scott. Aloha and… hello.
A-ha-ha-ho. Very good! Welcome to our little kingdom. Ah, we have a bag of nifty gifties for you.
Photo of Michael Scott
Photo of Andy Bernard
Michael, thank you for welcoming me to your little kingdom, Mike.
Oh.
Photo of Michael Scott
Photo of Andy Bernard
Nifty!
They are nifty! They’re nifty gifties.
Photo of Michael Scott

Photo of Michael Scott
You know who I really like? Is this guy Andy Bernard. He has got this very likable way about him.

…which is why they need a passing game.
Photo of Martin
Photo of Jim Halpert
Right.
to Jim No way. Get him out of here. We don’t want any of this kind in here. Good to see you, man.
Photo of Michael Scott
Photo of Jim Halpert
Okay.
to Martin How are you? Martin Nash, I presume? This is a little gift bag for you.
Photo of Michael Scott
Photo of Martin
Oh! Thanks.
Free of charge. Follow me, I will show you where all the slaves work. shakes head Not… so, your desk is…
Photo of Michael Scott
Photo of Jim Halpert
Hi, I’m Jim. I’m new here.
Oh my god! It’s really you!
Photo of Pam Beesley
Photo of Jim Halpert
Yeah, I was just doing a little joke there about how we’d never met…
I know. I don’t care.
Photo of Pam Beesley
Photo of Jim Halpert
Awesome! Good to be back. The place looks really good.
It’s really good to see you.
Photo of Pam Beesley
Photo of Jim Halpert
You, too.

Where do I stand with Pam? Um… no idea. I mean, we’re friends. Always have been friends. Um… .that is where we stand.
Photo of Jim Halpert

Photo of Dwight Schrute
Well, well, well. Look what the cat dragged in from Stamford.
Hey, Dwight.
Photo of Jim Halpert
Photo of Dwight Schrute
Fact – I am older. I am wiser. Do not mess with me.
Okay. Sounds good.
Photo of Jim Halpert
Photo of Dwight Schrute
What are you doing?
I don’t know what you’re talking about.
Photo of Jim Halpert
Photo of Dwight Schrute
I have a smudge on my forehead?
No. Looks good.
Photo of Jim Halpert
Photo of Dwight Schrute
Why are you looking at my forehead?
I’m not.
Photo of Jim Halpert
Photo of Dwight Schrute
Meet my eye line, Jim!
I am.
Photo of Jim Halpert
Photo of Dwight Schrute
Stop acting like an idiot!
Okay.
Photo of Jim Halpert
Photo of Ryan
Hey, buddy. Welcome back.
Hey! How are you man? Good to see… you.
Photo of Jim Halpert
Photo of Ryan
I’m good! How are you? So…
Oh, I’m sorry. Are you sitting here now?
Photo of Jim Halpert
Photo of Ryan
Yeah.
Oh.
Photo of Jim Halpert
Photo of Ryan
Um… unless you really, really want it back.
You know, man, it’s really you’re call.
Photo of Jim Halpert
Photo of Ryan
Cool, thank you.
whispers Let me get that for you.
Photo of Jim Halpert
Photo of Ryan
Yuh.
This one taken? No. Good.
Photo of Jim Halpert

Photo of Ryan
Yeah. Jim is a nice guy. That’s why I got the desk.

Hey, this came with the Stamford book. Sets down box that says: Personnel Files Stamford CT Office Confidential Can you take care of it?
Photo of Toby Flenderson
Photo of Kevin Malone
Oh, yes I can.

In general, they do not give me much responsibility. But they do let me shred the company documents. And that is really all I need.
Photo of Kevin Malone

Photo of Andy Bernard
Michael Scott. Thank you. I appreciate it, Mike.
Right.
Photo of Michael Scott
Photo of Dwight Schrute
Hello. I don’t believe we’ve been introduced. Dwight Schrute. Assistant Regional Manager.
Andy Bernard. Regional Director in Charge of Sales.
Photo of Andy Bernard
Photo of Dwight Schrute
So you’ll be reporting to me, then.
Umm, on the contrary.
Photo of Andy Bernard
Photo of Dwight Schrute
My title has ‘Manager’ in it.
And I’m a director.
Photo of Andy Bernard
Photo of Dwight Schrute
Oh.
Which on a film set is the highest title there is. Do you know anything about film?
Photo of Andy Bernard
Photo of Dwight Schrute
I know everything about film. I’ve seen over 240 of them.
Congratulations.
Photo of Andy Bernard

Photo of Jim Halpert
Hey, Toby!
Hey, Jim!
Photo of Toby Flenderson
Photo of Jim Halpert
How are you, man?
Oh, really good.
Photo of Toby Flenderson
Photo of Jim Halpert
I just wanted to say hi.
How are you? Hey. Welcome back. puts out fist to bump
Photo of Toby Flenderson
Photo of Jim Halpert
Oh. Is that like your new thing?
No, I’m sorry, it’s…
Photo of Toby Flenderson
Photo of Jim Halpert
No. It’s cool.
No, it’s nothing. We’ll just… shakes hand
Photo of Toby Flenderson
Photo of Jim Halpert
All right. Good to be back.
So… okay.
Photo of Toby Flenderson
Photo of Jim Halpert
All right.
All right… sorry… sorry about that.
Photo of Toby Flenderson
Photo of Jim Halpert
No problem.
It was just…
Photo of Toby Flenderson
Photo of Jim Halpert
off camera …what?
Nothing.
Photo of Toby Flenderson

Photo of Kevin Malone
This thing is so awesome. It will shred anything. Ooh! It will shred a CD. It will shred… a credit card. It will shred… oh! whispers Shoot.

talking to himself I present the orientation video.
Photo of Michael Scott
Photo of Dwight Schrute
We need to talk!
Not now.
Photo of Michael Scott
Photo of Dwight Schrute
Which is higher? Assistant Regional Manager or Regional Director in Charge of Sales?
I told you the titles are irrelevant. They just relate to pay scale.
Photo of Michael Scott
Photo of Dwight Schrute
Okay. So who gets paid more? Me or Andy?
It is not a matter of more or less. Your pay is just different. Okay? All right! Show time, part one.
Photo of Michael Scott
Photo of Dwight Schrute
Ok. Who reports to who?
I don’t care! Dwight! You all report to me! That’s all that matters! The rest of it just work out amongst yourselves, ok?
Photo of Michael Scott
Photo of Dwight Schrute
And then if I want…
Work it out amongst your selves!
Photo of Michael Scott
Photo of Dwight Schrute
I…
Please! I have a company to run. Well, you let me run the company?
Photo of Michael Scott
Photo of Dwight Schrute
I…
Will you?
Photo of Michael Scott
Photo of Dwight Schrute
One…
Please?
Photo of Michael Scott

Photo of Kelly Kapoor
Jim!
Kelly!
Photo of Jim Halpert
Photo of Kelly Kapoor
Oh! Oh my god! I have so much to tell you!
Really?
Photo of Jim Halpert
Photo of Kelly Kapoor
Yes! Tom Cruise and Katie Holmes? They had a baby and they named it Suri. And then Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie? They had a baby, too, and they named it Shiloh. And both babies are amazing!
Great. What’s new with you?
Photo of Jim Halpert
Photo of Kelly Kapoor
I just told you.

Okay. Everybody settled in? Good. Why don’t we all proceed in to the conference room? Or, should I say, the banquet hall. For… drum roll, please makes drum roll noises, the official Merger Day All-Family Welcome Breakfast. Come on in!
Photo of Michael Scott

Photo of Michael Scott
Yoko shack.
…thank you James. laughs
Male voice
Photo of Meredith Palmer
Hey, champagne.
Nope, no. Guests only.
Photo of Michael Scott
Photo of Kelly Kapoor
Looks like salmon.
Nope. Um… for the guests it is. For you, consider it cow-meat. Strictly taboo.
Photo of Michael Scott
Photo of Kelly Kapoor
I eat beef.
Well, then… consider it poisoned beef. No touchy.
Photo of Michael Scott
Photo of Kevin Malone
The beef is poisoned?
No, it’s not beef… just… sit down, please. talks to group Welcome. Help yourself.
Photo of Michael Scott
Photo of Toby Flenderson
Um… You might want these orientation materials.
Wrong. Toby, this is an orientation not a borientation.talks to group Okay. Do not worry. All of your questions are about to be answered. Cell phones and pagers off, please.
Photo of Michael Scott
Photo of Jim Halpert
Oh, this looks promising.
You won’t be disappointed.
Photo of Pam Beesley
Photo of Michael Scott
Let’s face it. Moving to a new job can be very stressful. So I have made an orientation video especially for you newcomers. But it’s not like any orientation video that any of you have ever seen. It’s funny. It’s got a little bit of a zing to it and I hope that it gives you a flavor of what we’re all about here at Dunder Mifflin. And what we’re all about here in Scranton. So let’s just all laugh together and watch “Lazy Scranton”.

Lazy Scranton Video
Photo of Michael Scott
Photo of Michael Scott
Sittin’ in my office with a plate of grilled bacon, call my man Dwight just to see what was shakin’.
Yo Mike, our town is dope and pretty.
Photo of Dwight Schrute
Photo of Michael Scott
So check out how we live
in the Electric City!
Photo of Dwight Schrute
Photo of Michael Scott
They call it Scranton.
What?
Photo of Dwight Schrute
Photo of Michael Scott
The Electric City. Scranton.
What?
Photo of Dwight Schrute
Photo of Michael Scott
The Electric City. Call poison control if you’re bit by a spider.
But check that it’s covered by your health care provider!
Photo of Dwight Schrute

Photo of Jim Halpert
It reminds me of the orientation video showed on my first day. ‘The Scranton Witch Project’.

in video I am so scared… when people don’t label their personal food.
Photo of Michael Scott

Video
Lazy Scranton video continues
You like coal mines and you wanna see ’em, Well, check it out, yo, the Anthracite Museum! Plenty of space in the parking lot,
Photo of Michael Scott
Photo of Dwight Schrute
But the little cars go in the compact spot
Spot, spot, spot, spot …
Photo of Michael Scott

Photo of Michael Scott
on video in background Spot. Scranton. What? The Electric City. Scranton.What? The Electric City. Scranton. What?
Well, so far, I think it is killin’. I thought it would either be an ‘A’ or an ‘A+’ but I completely forgot that there’s an ‘A++’.
Photo of Michael Scott

Photo of Karen
recording phone message This is Karen Filippelli. Please leave a message.
Terrible. Totally unconvincing.
Photo of Jim Halpert
Photo of Karen
recording This is Karen Filippelli. Please leave a message.
Not bad, but you are Italian so… try it more Italian.
Photo of Jim Halpert
Photo of Karen
recording in bad Italian accent Dis is Kar-en Fill-uh-pel-li. Please leava me da message. A bon danza.
You feel good?
Photo of Jim Halpert
Photo of Karen
Mm-hm.
All right.
Photo of Jim Halpert
Photo of Karen
recording phone message Karen Filippelli.

Hey, buddy. Anything new to report?
Photo of Andy Bernard
Photo of Dwight Schrute
Do you mean to me? From you? Cause that’s how it works.
Sure thing, buddy.
Photo of Andy Bernard

Photo of Andy Bernard
Am I trying to get under his skin? Yes. Because the angrier he gets, the more marginalized he becomes. Meanwhile, Andy Bernard is out there layin’ on the charm.

Hey, Angela. Check this out. It’s my new screen saver.
Photo of Andy Bernard
Photo of Angela Martin
Oh.
Do you like it?
Photo of Andy Bernard
Photo of Angela Martin
I do like it, actually.
Thank you. You have such a pretty smile by the way.
Photo of Andy Bernard
Photo of Angela Martin
Thank you.
You’re welcome.
Photo of Andy Bernard

Photo of Pam Beesley
Hey.
Hey!
Photo of Jim Halpert
Photo of Pam Beesley
What happened to grape soda?
Oh yeah. I’m trying to move away from that. Getting into more of a bottled water phase.
Photo of Jim Halpert
Photo of Pam Beesley
Oh. You’ve changed so much.
Well, I’m evolving, Pam.
Photo of Jim Halpert
Photo of Pam Beesley
So when do I get to hear everything? Are you still getting unpacked or… you want to grab a coffee or something after work?
Oh! Um… tonight, actually? No. I’m uh just still getting settled.
Photo of Jim Halpert
Photo of Pam Beesley
Oh, yeah, no! You know. Whenever.
Okay.
Photo of Jim Halpert
Photo of Michael Scott
Oh-kay. Sorry to interrupt. I…
Nope. You’re not interrupting anything. Nope. I’m…
Photo of Jim Halpert
Photo of Michael Scott
All right.
Don’t…
Photo of Jim Halpert
Photo of Michael Scott
Okay.
All right. to Pam I should probably get back to work. Get back to work.
Photo of Jim Halpert
Photo of Pam Beesley
Yeah. I know, me too.
All right!
Photo of Jim Halpert

Photo of Pam Beesley
The day’s going fine. It’s been a little chaotic but it’s fine. It’s great! A lot of distractions. But, it’s good.

using breast pump Take a picture. It’ll last longer.
Photo of Hannah
Photo of Ryan
I’m sorry. It’s just, it’s a little distracting.
Ditto that, my brother.
Photo of Creed Bratton

Photo of Hannah
Look what’s on his computer.
What is that? A squid’s eye or…
Photo of Michael Scott
Photo of Hannah
It’s my left breast.
How did you…
Photo of Michael Scott
Photo of Creed Bratton
Right place at the right time.

Uh, what’s that smell?
Photo of Karen
Photo of Phyllis
What smell?
Must be an… air freshener plugged in somewhere. It smells like a funeral home.
Photo of Karen
Photo of Phyllis
Oh, I’ll help you find it.
Oh, you know. Never… .never mind.
Photo of Karen
Photo of Phyllis
What is it?
I… I… I, uh, think I’m just allergic to your perfume.
Photo of Karen
Photo of Phyllis
My perfume?
It’s just my crazy nose. I’m… uh, used to different smells.
Photo of Karen
Photo of Phyllis
Bob Vance bought this perfume for me in Metropolitan Orlando. It’s made from real pine.
Who’s Bob Vance?
Photo of Karen
Photo of Phyllis
You have a lot to learn about this town, sweetie.

I don’t know who these new people think they are. I’ve sat downwind of Phyllis’ stinky perfumes for years. Never said a word.
Photo of Stanley Hudson

Photo of Michael Scott
People hate people that are different from them. That’s natural. But you know what makes people forget their differences? A great show. That is why I created the ‘Integration Celebration’. This is the moment when Scranton and Stamford come together as one. United in applause.

I know what a lot of you must be thinking. ‘Wow! What a day! Feels more like a night at a party than a day at work.’ Well, in my opinion, business should feel like a night out. A night… at… the Roxbury. Okay. There’s supposed to be music and it’s… I got it, I got it! I got it. Dwight! Just.
Photo of Michael Scott
Photo of Dwight Schrute
Do you have batteries?
Ssshh stupid! Um…
Photo of Michael Scott
Photo of Andy Bernard
sings drum beat intro to ‘What is Love?’
That’s it!
Photo of Michael Scott
Photo of Andy Bernard
sings What is love?
Yes, yes! Okay!
Photo of Michael Scott
Photo of Andy Bernard
Baby, don’t hurt me.
Okay, here we go.
Photo of Michael Scott
Photo of Andy Bernard
Don’t hurt me! Baby, don’t hurt me!
Oh!
Photo of Michael Scott
Photo of Andy Bernard
Baby, don’t hurt me!
Oh! Oh! Oh!
Photo of Michael Scott
Photo of Andy Bernard
Whoa-oh-oh-oh
Scuse me! Scuse me!
Photo of Michael Scott
Photo of Andy Bernard
Whoa-oh-oh-oh! Whoa-oh-oh…
You me? You me? Me you? You! You! You me! Bow Bow Bow!
Photo of Michael Scott
Photo of Andy Bernard
Whoa-oh-oh-oh.
You me? You me? Me you me! You! You! You me you! You! Oh my nose so itchy, why’s my nose so itchy!
Photo of Michael Scott
Photo of Andy Bernard
Oh, probably because of all the nose candy.
laughs hysterically Okay, I told you these guys had a sense of humor.
Photo of Michael Scott
Photo of Dwight Schrute
Very funny, Michael!
Okay! Okay!
Photo of Michael Scott
Photo of Dwight Schrute
Really funny, Michael!
All right, all right, I’m on a roll.
Photo of Michael Scott

Photo of Michael Scott
Why are the new people on the table? To show them that we are not above them.
Shouldn’t we be equals?
Photo of Karen
Photo of Michael Scott
Not today. No. Tony! Please join your cohorts on the table if you would.
Uh… this is difficult, for me.
Photo of Tony
Photo of Michael Scott
I understand. We’re all friends.
No. I mean I can’t physically. I can’t get on the table.
Photo of Tony
Photo of Michael Scott
Oh, well. Just use the momentum of your lower half to hoist yourself up.
starts to climb table
Photo of Tony
Photo of Michael Scott
You know what? I’ll help. I will…
No, please. No.
Photo of Tony
Photo of Michael Scott
Don’t be shy! Dwight! Let’s do this!
Do this. Come on. Ready?
Photo of Dwight Schrute
Photo of Michael Scott
Come on. We’re doing this thing! Let’s get up.
On three. One… two… three.
Photo of Dwight Schrute
Photo of Michael Scott
Bend at the knees. Okay, here we go. Here we go. I’m under this… I’m under this hock here. I don’t know what I’m grabbing here.
All right. All right. Stop. Put me down.
Photo of Tony
Photo of Michael Scott
We’ve almost got it. Push it! Push it!
Let me go!
Photo of Tony
Photo of Michael Scott
I’m right in your crack!
Put me down right…
Photo of Tony
Photo of Michael Scott
Up and over.
Put me down!
Photo of Tony
Photo of Michael Scott
Up and over.
Put me down right now!
Photo of Tony
Photo of Michael Scott
You’ve got it.
I’VE HAD ENOUGH!
Photo of Tony
Photo of Michael Scott
You’ve got it, you’ve got it.
PUT ME DOWN RIGHT NOW or else!
Photo of Tony
Photo of Michael Scott
Whoa Whoa Whoa! Okay.
Hey, hey. Easy.
Photo of Dwight Schrute
Photo of Michael Scott
Easy.
I’m sorry!
Photo of Tony
Photo of Michael Scott
Don’t…
It’s just not going to work for me.
Photo of Tony
Photo of Michael Scott
What…
I have to go.
Photo of Tony
Photo of Michael Scott
I don’t understand.
I was on the fence about this and… it’s just not a good fit.
Photo of Tony
Photo of Michael Scott
Well, we’ll squeeze you in.
I can’t work here. I have to quit.
Photo of Tony

Photo of Michael Scott
You can’t quit! On the first day. That’s deep voice heresy, my friend! regular voice Okay, let’s talk about this. What happened? I mean, what… Was it Toby? Did he say something? Cause he’s… what?
No. Toby was helpful. He was very kind. It’s just your management style.
Photo of Tony
Photo of Michael Scott
My management style? So… didn’t you think ‘Lazy Scranton’ was funny?
No. Was it supposed to be funny?
Photo of Tony
Photo of Michael Scott
Okay. Well, don’t bother quitting because you’re fired.
Excuse me?
Photo of Tony
Photo of Michael Scott
You are fired! I’m sorry, but we don’t have quitters on this team! Just clean out your desk!
But there’s nothing in my desk except coupons.
Photo of Tony
Photo of Michael Scott
Don’t try to apologize to me, man! It’s too late. Just get out! Take your bad vibes with you.
That was my advice. Remember? I’m the one who suggested that you fire him.
Photo of Dwight Schrute
Photo of Michael Scott
Probably the best advice you ever gave me, Dwight.
And what advice has Andy given to you today that you have acted on? Would ‘none’ be an accurate estimate? None advice? whispers Fire Andy. Fire. Andy.
Photo of Dwight Schrute

Photo of Andy Bernard
Dwight may have won the battle. But I will win… the next battle.

Tony was right. This environment is dysfunctional.
Photo of Hannah
Photo of Angela Martin
Maybe that’s because some people treat it like their own private Hooters strip club.
Whoa, Angela! Hold on. Hooters is a restaurant. With over 400 locations worldwide.
Photo of Michael Scott
Photo of Stanley Hudson
Back to work. We don’t have to get along. We just have to work together.
No. We do have to get along. Can’t we all just get along? Or have we forgotten the words of the Reverend King.
Photo of Michael Scott

Photo of Michael Scott
The word merger comes from the word marriage. And that was what today was supposed to be. The loving union between people. Instead, it has become like when my Mom moved in with Jeff. And once again, it becomes my job to fix it.

Hey! Hey, everybody! Something happened! Those guys from Vance Refrigeration, they let the air out of our tires.
Photo of Michael Scott
Photo of Dwight Schrute
What!
Yeah! They punk’d us! They punk’d us good! Come on. Come on!
Photo of Michael Scott
Photo of Karen
Does Bob Vance work for Vance Refrigeration?
Does he ever.
Photo of Jim Halpert

Photo of Michael Scott
Man, they got us so bad. We cannot let them get away with this. We have got to pull together as one and steal their refrigerators.
YEAH!
Photo of Dwight Schrute
Photo of Michael Scott
Yeah.
I don’t… I don’t think we can do that.
Photo of Toby Flenderson
Photo of Michael Scott
Go home, Toby. Just…
Hey! Why doesn’t your car have a flat tire?
Photo of Martin
Photo of Michael Scott
Why? I will tell you why. Because they saved the worst for me. They put a hate note under my windshield wiper. Check this out. It’s so hateful. reads note “You guys SUCK! You can never pull together as one and revenge us. That is why you SUCK!”
For crying out loud.
Photo of Hannah
Photo of Michael Scott
No. No, no, no. No. You are falling for it. You’re playing right into their hands. This is just what they want you to do. Don’t, oh…
to Stanley What’s up with this guy?
Photo of Martin
Photo of Stanley Hudson
Got an hour? I’ll try to explain.
THIS IS EGREGIOUS! This is egregious!
Photo of Michael Scott

Photo of Stanley Hudson
Trust me. It only gets worse.
Is he always like this?
Photo of Martin
Photo of Ryan
Sometimes he brings more costumes.
When do people work?
Photo of Hannah
Photo of Phyllis
Oh, we find little times during the day.
How are we going to get home?
Photo of Karen
Photo of Phyllis
Bob Vance has an air pump. He said he’d fill all our tires up.
Bob Vance of Vance Refrigeration.
Photo of Karen

Photo of Michael Scott
See that? Mission accomplished. Like a bunch of fourth graders. Sometimes, what brings the kids together is hating the lunch lady. Although that’ll change. Because, by the end of the fourth grade, the lunch lady was actually the person I hung out with the most. answers phone Jell-o!
Michael!
Photo of Jan
Photo of Michael Scott
Hi, Jan!
Did you fire Tony Gardner when he was trying to quit?
Photo of Jan
Photo of Michael Scott
I did. Major personnel crises averted. Compliment accepted.
Do you realize, Michael, that we now have to pay him severance?
Photo of Jan
Photo of Michael Scott
Yes.
You do?
Photo of Jan
Photo of Michael Scott
But do you realize that that was actually Dwight’s idea? Bad advice from my Number Two.
What? No. No. No, Jim is your Number Two.
Photo of Jan
Photo of Michael Scott
What?
He’s the only one who has worked with both groups. I sent you a memo about this.
Photo of Jan
Photo of Michael Scott
Yes, I know that. For, I do read the memos.

So after a great deal of thought and introspective-shun, I have decided to make Jim my new Number Two.
Photo of Michael Scott
Photo of Dwight Schrute
If he even wants it. It doesn’t come with a pay raise.
Yeah, it does, actually.
Photo of Jim Halpert
Photo of Dwight Schrute
So who will be your new Number Three?
Uh… that I have not decided yet.
Photo of Michael Scott
Photo of Andy Bernard
Michael, I would just like to say you have handled this entire situation with great aplomb.
Thank you, Andy. That’s… very kind. Thanks.
Photo of Michael Scott
Photo of Dwight Schrute
And I have to say your leadership…
Shut it…
Photo of Michael Scott
Photo of Dwight Schrute
has brought…
Shut it! That’s… whispers to camera suck up!
Photo of Michael Scott

Photo of Jim Halpert
talking on cellphone Hey! Where you at, Filippelli?
off camera I’m at the grocery store buying a corkscrew to give myself a lobotomy.
Photo of Karen
Photo of Jim Halpert
laughs What’s wrong? You didn’t have a good first day?
Oh my god! Hey! You want to meet at Cooper’s in an hour? I need a drink.
Photo of Karen
Photo of Jim Halpert
Yeah. Sure. Sounds good. I… . sees Pam in rearview mirror Hey! You know what? Can I give you a call right back?
Yeah.
Photo of Karen
Photo of Jim Halpert
Ok, thanks.
Ok.
Photo of Karen

Photo of Jim Halpert
Hey.
Hey!
Photo of Pam Beesley
Photo of Jim Halpert
I thought you had already… left.
Uh… no. I just uh had some other stuff I had to do.
Photo of Pam Beesley
Photo of Jim Halpert
Oh… Good.
What’s up?
Photo of Pam Beesley
Photo of Jim Halpert
Oh, nothing. I just feel bad. I feel like things were a little weird today… or something.
What do you mean?
Photo of Pam Beesley
Photo of Jim Halpert
I just think I should tell you that… I’ve sort of started seeing someone. And uh…
Oh. That’s totally cool. You can do whatever you want.
Photo of Pam Beesley
Photo of Jim Halpert
O..ok. Um..good.
We’re friends. We’ll always be friends.
Photo of Pam Beesley
Photo of Jim Halpert
Right.
It’s good to have you back.
Photo of Pam Beesley
Photo of Jim Halpert
Yeah. Good to be back.

Where’d you get that salad?
Photo of Meredith Palmer
Photo of Kevin Malone
Staples.

Saw your dorkmobile in the parking lot. What does it get, like four miles to the gallon?
Photo of Andy Bernard
Photo of Dwight Schrute
Uh, try double that. Classic TransAm, vintage American muscle. Please.
Yeah, my Xterra’s pretty sweet. Luxurious, yet rugged. Leave it to the Japanese.
Photo of Andy Bernard
Photo of Dwight Schrute
Xterra’s not even a real word.
Actually, it is. It’s Latin for “earth.”
Photo of Andy Bernard
Photo of Dwight Schrute
Oh, so you drive an X-Earth?
Yeah.
Photo of Andy Bernard
Photo of Dwight Schrute
That makes sense. I’d rather drive a classic TransAm than an XEarth.
Yeah, I bet you would. Oh, by the way, 1985 called. It wants its car back.
Photo of Andy Bernard
Photo of Dwight Schrute
Well I hope 1985 has a time machine ’cause I drive an 87.
Oh, speaking of time machines, I just got back from the future and I went to your funeral and, guess what, nobody came.
Photo of Andy Bernard
Photo of Dwight Schrute
Speaking of funerals, why don’t you go ahead and go die.
Oh, that was a really well constructed sentence. You should be an English professor at Cor-not University.
Photo of Andy Bernard
Photo of Dwight Schrute
Idiot!
If I were an idiot, I’d be driving a TransAm.
Photo of Andy Bernard
Photo of Dwight Schrute
If you were driving a TransAm, you would be the smartest idiot in the whole world.
coughs word Idiot!
Photo of Andy Bernard
Photo of Dwight Schrute
coughs sentence You’re the idiot!
coughs sentence Nice comeback!
Photo of Andy Bernard
Photo of Dwight Schrute
coughs sentence I was making fun of your comeback! That’s why it worked. talks normally to camera Totally got the best of that interchange.
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