Product Recall - The Office (Season 3, Episode 21)

The entire office is in damage control - some of their paper was released with an obscene watermark of a cartoon duck and mouse having sex. One of the local high schools has used the paper to print out and send invitations to prom. Jim and Andy go to the high school to do their best to calm down the school principal - and while there Andy notices his girlfriend in the halls... which then ruins his day.

Michael, on the other hand, decides to address the media. He arranges for a customer to come to the office, so that he can present her with a novelty check for free paper. With the media present (a single reporter from the Scranton Times), Michael apologizes to the customer. However, she refuses his apology and asks for his resignation. Michael refuses to resign and angrily decides to give the check to someone else. Dwight, in a botched attempt to calm the customer, insists that the cartoon sex appears consensual.

Michael later decides to film his own apology video with Pam as the cameratographer and Dwight holding up cue cards.

The rest of the staff is tasked with handling customer support calls. Kelly is tasked with training the accountants on how to handle customer support calls. Each of accountants has their own style - Angela can't manage to apologize sincerely enough, Oscar handles it with aplomb, and Kevin just keeps repeating his apology. Creed, whose job it was to catch mistakes like they're having to deal with, sneakily finds a way to shed blame on an employee at the paper mill who was out of the office

Jim and Dwight take turns impersonating the other person... with Jim's impersonation being spot on. Dwights... well... not so much.

Best Funny Quotes From The Office - Product Recall

Photo of Jim Halpert
Dressed as Dwight It’s kind of blurry. puts on his glasses That’s better. exhales Question. What kind of bear is best?
That’s a ridiculous question.
Photo of Dwight Schrute
Photo of Jim Halpert
False. Black bear.
Well that’s debatable. There are basically two schools of thought—
Photo of Dwight Schrute
Photo of Jim Halpert
Fact. Bears eat beets. Bears. Beets. Battlestar Galactica.
Bears do not— What is going on— What are you doing?!
Photo of Dwight Schrute

Photo of Jim Halpert
Last week, I was in a drug store and I saw these glasses. Uh, four dollars. And it only cost me seven dollars to recreate the rest of the ensemble. And that’s a grand total of… Jim calculates the total on his calculator-watch eleven dollars.

You know what? Imitation is the most sincere form of flattery, so I thank you. Jim places a bobble-head on his desk Identity theft is not a joke, Jim! Millions of families suffer every year!
Photo of Dwight Schrute
Photo of Jim Halpert
… MICHAEL!
Oh, that’s funny. MICHAEL!
Photo of Dwight Schrute

Photo of Pam Beesley
on phone Yes, I understand. Can I transfer you to customer relations?
on phone Absolutely. I couldn’t be more sorry about this.
Photo of Jim Halpert
Photo of Phyllis
on phone I know, I know. We’re all trying to get to the bottom of this.
on phone I am upset. Don’t I sound upset?
Photo of Stanley Hudson
Photo of Michael Scott
on phone It is disgusting. I totally agree. Well, we’re going to recalling all of that paper.

We have a crisis. Apparently, a disgruntled employee at the paper mill decided that it would be funny to put an obscene watermark on our 24 pound cream butter stock. Five hundred boxes has gone out, with the image of a beloved cartoon duck, performing… unspeakable acts upon a certain cartoon mouse that a lot of people like. I’ve never been a fan.
Photo of Michael Scott

Photo of Michael Scott
Everybody in here. STAT. No time to lose. Cri-Man-Squa. F and C, doubletime.
Cri-Man-Squa?
Photo of Dwight Schrute
Photo of Michael Scott
Crisis Management Squad.
F and C, doubletime?
Photo of Ryan
Photo of Michael Scott
Front and Center. Twice as fast as you would normally go. Any other questions?
One more. Why are you talking like that?
Photo of Jim Halpert
Photo of Michael Scott
To save time, Jim.
Actually I think you could make the argument that it wastes time.
Photo of Karen
Photo of Pam Beesley
Yeah, she has a good point. I mean, for example, with the last thing you said, by the time you explained it, it actually took up more time.
You know what? Bluh bluh bluh bluh bluh! Forget it. Where is Creed?
Photo of Michael Scott
Photo of Creed Bratton
Here.
Creed. Quality assurance. Your job. I really think you screwed the pooch on one, Creed. Because of you, the entire company is in jeopardy.
Photo of Michael Scott

Photo of Creed Bratton
Every week I’m supposed to take four hours and do a quality spot-check at the paper mill. And of course the one year I blow it off, this happens.

We have a lot of angry customers out there. This puts us at threat level midnight. Accounting, you are on customer service duty today.
Photo of Michael Scott
Photo of Oscar Martinez
That’s really not our job.
Midnight, Oscar! Don’t worry, Kelly will be training you first.
Photo of Michael Scott
Photo of Angela Martin
Kelly’s training us?

This day is bananas. B-A-N-A-N-A-S. This day is bananas! B-A-N-A-
Photo of Kelly Kapoor

Photo of Angela Martin
getting a pill from the bottle I don’t have a headache. I’m just preparing.

Jim, big fire in your house. Your client, Dunmore High-school, sent out their prom invitations on this paper. Went home to all the kids.
Photo of Michael Scott
Photo of Jim Halpert
Yeah, I gotta call out on that.
No, no, no, no. Not good enough. This is a keystone account. I want you in the school. In person.
Photo of Michael Scott
Photo of Jim Halpert
All right.
I want you to bring a partner.
Photo of Michael Scott
Photo of Ryan
I’ll go.
No, sweet cheeks. We need someone who’s actually made a sale. Andy, you go.
Photo of Michael Scott
Photo of Andy Bernard
English accent William Dolittle at your service. A.K.A., Will Do.
Yeah, I’m definitely gonna go alone.
Photo of Jim Halpert
Photo of Michael Scott
No, no. I need two men on this. That’s what she said. No time! But she did. NO TIME! Guys, get on this. Dwight, I want you to be in charge of the press conference.
Yes! You are entering the “No Spin Zone!”
Photo of Dwight Schrute
Photo of Pam Beesley
We’re having a press conference?
No, Pam. The press is just gonna find out by themselves.
Photo of Michael Scott
Photo of Dwight Schrute
Not! scoffs

Here’s the thing. When a company screws up, best thing to do is call a press conference. Alert the media, and then you control the story. Wait for them to find out, and the story controls you. That’s what happened to O.J.
Photo of Michael Scott

Photo of Michael Scott
I have invited Barbara Allen, one of our oldest clients, to come in here, and meet with me, for a personal apology. The press wants a story, I will give them a story.
Oh, did the press ask for a story?
Photo of Jim Halpert
Photo of Michael Scott
Here is your headline. “Scranton Area Paper Company, Dunder Mifflin, apologizes to valued client. Some companies still know how business is done.” Okay? Battle stations everybody, let’s go, go, go, go, go, go!

Yes, hello. Creed Bratton, Quality Assurance, Dunder Mifflin Scranton. I was supposed to meet with one of your floor managers last week for a quality inspection, and he or she wasn’t there. And I’m trying to remember who it was. Mm-hmm. Who wasn’t there last week? Debbie Brown. And which day was that? Wednesday, the eleventh. Perfect.
Photo of Creed Bratton

Photo of Creed Bratton
The only difference between me and a homeless man is this job. I will do whatever it takes to survive. Like I did… when I was a homeless man.

Look, I know the reason that you guys became accountants is because you’re not good at interacting with people. But guess what? From now on, you guys are no longer losers! So give yourselves a round of applause. Kelly and Kevin clap
Photo of Kelly Kapoor
Photo of Oscar Martinez
I wonder how many phone calls you’re missing while you’re teaching us to answer calls.
I know, right? Probably a lot.
Photo of Kelly Kapoor
Photo of Angela Martin
Can you just tell us what we need to do so we can go?
OK, Angela. I love your enthusiasm. All you need to know how to do is pick up the phone and say “Customer Service, this is Kelly!” Except don’t say “Kelly,” say your own name. Or if you’re bored, you can just make up a name. Like one time, I said I was Bridget Jones, in an English accent and I talked like this for the whole conversation!
Photo of Kelly Kapoor
Photo of Kevin Malone
Oh! Can I be horrible Australian accent Australian, mate?
in accent Absolutely!
Photo of Kelly Kapoor
Photo of Kevin Malone
in accent ‘ello, mate!
in accent I like ice cream! I need a boyfriend.
Photo of Kelly Kapoor
Photo of Kevin Malone
in accent I like ice cream too, mate. Alligators and dingo babies.

Beer me!
Photo of Andy Bernard
Photo of Jim Halpert
What’s that?
Hand me that water. I always say “Beer me.” Gets a laugh like a quarter of the time. So how’s what’s-her-name?
Photo of Andy Bernard
Photo of Jim Halpert
You know her name.
Who, Karen? Yeah, she’s only one of my oldest friends. takes swig of water Mmm. How’s the apartment hangin’?
Photo of Andy Bernard
Photo of Jim Halpert
It’s fine.
Nice. Check out this sunshine, man. Global warming, right? Today was supposed to be really cold, I bet.
Photo of Andy Bernard
Photo of Jim Halpert
What about music? Do you have any music?
Uh, yeah. Should have said so. sings Rha-dah-dah-dah! Give me the beat, boys, and free my soul. I wanna get lost in your rock and roll and drift away-he-hay. Ruu-da-doo-da-doo, ba-dit-da-doo-da-dun, Give me the beat, boys, and free my little-ole-soul, I wa–
Photo of Andy Bernard
Photo of Jim Halpert
I was thinkin’ about more like a CD, or… a CD.
Your call, dude. My girlfriend made an awesome mix. Beer me that disc.
Photo of Andy Bernard

Photo of Jim Halpert
Lord, beer me strength.

So, Tuna. When we get in there, let’s do a really good job, okay?
Photo of Andy Bernard
Photo of Jim Halpert
Did that really need to be said?
Well not everything a guy says needs to be said. Sometimes it’s just about the music of the conversation.
Photo of Andy Bernard

Photo of Andy Bernard
Whoa! What the— Why is my girlfriend here?
Oh, is she that teacher in the white?
Photo of Jim Halpert
Photo of Andy Bernard
No, she’s a part-time frozen yogurt chef.
Which one… is she?
Photo of Jim Halpert
Photo of Andy Bernard
The one in the green hoodie.
Wow.
Photo of Jim Halpert
Photo of Andy Bernard
I wonder if she’s, like, a… a guidance counselor, or something?
No, I don’t think so.
Photo of Jim Halpert
Photo of Andy Bernard
She’s like, probably a tutor.
Nope.
Photo of Jim Halpert
Photo of Andy Bernard
She probably a t–
No.
Photo of Jim Halpert
Photo of Andy Bernard
Sh—
No.
Photo of Jim Halpert

Photo of Michael Scott
OK, press conference in 45. Dwight, make sure this place looks nice.
On it. OK, Karen, Ryan, Pam, center stage. Pam, run a comb through your hair.
Photo of Dwight Schrute

Photo of Dwight Schrute
First rule in road-side beet sales: Put the most attractive beets on top. The ones that make you pull the car over and go, “Wow, I need this beet right now.” Those are the money beets.

Chad Lite walks in the door to Office workers Hey! snaps twice Look sharp! to Chad Lite Hey! Uh, Hi. Hello, Dwight Schrute.
Photo of Dwight Schrute
Photo of Chad Lite
Hi, uh—
And you must be uh, from the Washington Post.
Photo of Dwight Schrute
Photo of Chad Lite
Scranton Times. Chad Lite, “Lighter Side of Life.”
And “Breaking Corporate News.”
Photo of Dwight Schrute
Photo of Chad Lite
And obits.
Oh, dear God. OK, here are your credentials. You’ve been granted level three security clearance.
Photo of Dwight Schrute
Photo of Chad Lite
Oh…
Don’t get too excited, that’s out of 20. Right this way. Regional Manager Michael Scott will be addressing the client in the press room shortly. Have a seat, can I get you a beverage?
Photo of Dwight Schrute
Photo of Chad Lite
Uh, yeah, I’d like uh, uh—
shuts door on him Great.
Photo of Dwight Schrute

Photo of Jim Halpert
Oh, Andy. You know what? We don’t have a lot of time, so we should probably…
Jamie!
Photo of Andy Bernard
Photo of Jim Halpert
Andy— Ohh…
What are you doing here?
Photo of Andy Bernard
Photo of Jamie
Andy?
Are you a student here?
Photo of Andy Bernard
Photo of Jamie
Oh… yeah…
You never told me you were in high-school!
Photo of Andy Bernard
Photo of Jamie
This is weird. I… gotta go to Spanish.
OH MY GOD!
Photo of Andy Bernard
Photo of Jim Halpert
Oh my God.
I had no idea.
Photo of Andy Bernard
Photo of Jim Halpert
Well… that’s not gonna hold up in court.
Huh… We didn’t do anything illegal. Except knock over a mailbox with her friends.
Photo of Andy Bernard

Photo of Kevin Malone
on phone Sir, yes, you have a valid point. I’m sorry. No, I am so sorry.
on phone Really, Dixon City? …Carbondale.
Photo of Oscar Martinez
Photo of Angela Martin
on phone Excuse me? Well, I don’t see how that’s our fault. And I’ve already told you, the official position of Dunder Mifflin is apologetic, so I don’t know what you want from me. hangs up
OK, first, I just wanna say that you are doing sooo good. Look, you have so many good qualities, that the one that you might wanna work on is, apologizing?
Photo of Kelly Kapoor

Photo of Creed Bratton
When I went over Wednesday, for the spot-check, I got a call from Debbie Brown, saying she has an emergency dentist appointment.
Emergency dentist appointment.
Photo of Dwight Schrute
Photo of Creed Bratton
Now I’m told she told her manager she had the flu. I’m a trusting guy, but uh, I just wish Debbie Brown had been there. We would have caught this.

Yes, I’ll be sure someone returns your call. I’m so sorry. Bye.
Photo of Pam Beesley
Photo of Barbara
Hello, I’m looking for Michael Scott.

Mrs. Allen is our most important client… because every client is our most important client. Even though she’s a pretty unimportant client, really.
Photo of Michael Scott

Photo of Michael Scott
And so, with the eyes of the nation upon us, I would like to say that Dunder Mifflin truly regrets this unfortunate incident. And, as a gesture of gratitude, for your continued loyalty, Mrs. Allen, I would like to present you with this novelty check, for six months of free paper or 25 reams, whichever comes first.
snaps picture with his camera phone You look good in this.
Photo of Dwight Schrute
Photo of Michael Scott
So, let us consider this matter ended.
Well it isn’t ended. I’m… I’m very angry. I— I could have lost business.
Photo of Barbara
Photo of Michael Scott
I know, I know you’re angry. And we are truly, truly sorry.
I don’t accept your apology. The watermark was obscene and horrifying.
Photo of Barbara
Photo of Michael Scott
Well, we are extremely sorry.
I don’t accept.
Photo of Barbara

School Official
I’ll be with you in a moment.
All right.
Photo of Jim Halpert

Photo of Andy Bernard
Who was that guy she was talking to? At her locker.
Not important. Because you’re not dating her. Because it’s a felony.
Photo of Jim Halpert
Photo of Andy Bernard
But who was that guy?
Probably another high-school student.
Photo of Jim Halpert

School Official
The issue with the watermark is very serious.
Absolutely.
Photo of Jim Halpert
School Official
We teach our students that character counts.
And you should.
Photo of Jim Halpert
School Official
But—
scoffs Pfft. You don’t teach it well enough. One of your students is a bitch.
Photo of Andy Bernard
Photo of Jim Halpert
Andy… is having a real rough day today.
I want to take out an ad, in your yearbook. A full page, two words—
Photo of Andy Bernard
Photo of Jim Halpert
“Good luck.”
That’s not what I had in mind.
Photo of Andy Bernard

Photo of Kelly Kapoor
Ask where he’s from.
on phone Where are you from? Ohio? That’s nice. So what do you want? to Kelly He’s upset about the watermark.
Photo of Angela Martin
Photo of Kelly Kapoor
OK, great. Now tell him that it was an unfortunate error, and we’re doing everything we can do to fix it, and that you’re sorry.
on phone It was an unfortunate error. We’re fixing it. And you already got your money back…
Photo of Angela Martin
Photo of Kelly Kapoor
And you’re sorry.
…and the company has already apologized, so you can take that apology or not. hangs up to Kelly I think he had Tourette’s or something!
Photo of Angela Martin

Photo of Michael Scott
We… are going to do everything humanly possible, to ensure that this never happens again.
Well, it— it doesn’t help, because it already happened to me.
Photo of Barbara
Photo of Michael Scott
The watermark… it’s a one time thing.
I don’t care! It was disgusting. Cartoon characters having sex?
Photo of Barbara
Photo of Dwight Schrute
May I point out that the sex appeared to be consensual? Both animals were smiling.
OK…
Photo of Michael Scott

Photo of Dwight Schrute
I grew up on a farm. I have seen animals having sex in every position imaginable. Goat on chicken. Chicken on goat. Couple of chickens doin’ a goat, couple of pigs watching. Whoever drew this got it exactly right.

What… can I do, for you?
Photo of Michael Scott
Photo of Barbara
I, for starters, I think that you should resign.
Well… exhales OK, well… Um, wasn’t really my fault. The guys at the papermill—
Photo of Michael Scott
Photo of Barbara
You’re the head—
The guys at the papermill— No no no!
Photo of Michael Scott
Photo of Barbara
You’re the head of the company!
I’m the head of the company?!
Photo of Michael Scott
Photo of Barbara
Yes, and that makes it your responsibility—
No, I’m a regional manager—
Photo of Michael Scott
Photo of Barbara
And so you should lose your job!
No— my— OK, this is insane. You can get out of here. Get out!
Photo of Michael Scott
Photo of Barbara
Fine.
That’s insane. We’ll give this to somebody who will appreciate it.
Photo of Michael Scott
Photo of Barbara
Mm-hmm.
It’s non-transferable…
Photo of Dwight Schrute
Photo of Michael Scott
Doesn’t matter. Out please!
I’m calling the Better Business Bureau.
Photo of Barbara
Photo of Michael Scott
Yeah, well I’m calling the Ungrateful Bi-atch Hotline! to Chad Lite Did you get all that?
Everything.
Photo of Chad Lite

Photo of Michael Scott
We gotta do something. exhales This is spinning out of control, Pam. This is just, not…
It’s just the Scranton Times…
Photo of Pam Beesley
Photo of Michael Scott
No, then Newsweek picks it up. And then CNN does a story about it. Then… YouTube gets a hold of it…
You know what? I really think the whole thing is just gonna blow over in like a week or two.
Photo of Pam Beesley
Photo of Michael Scott
You’re right. It will blow over. But it’s not… going to take… a week or two. pulls out a video camcorder from his desk Do you know what this is for?
Yes.
Photo of Pam Beesley

Photo of Pam Beesley
Michael likes me to run the camera when he makes his apology videos. He says he needs a woman’s touch.

Dwight is spraying far too much hairspray into Michael’s hair OK, I think that’s good.
Photo of Michael Scott

Photo of Michael Scott
“Hello. I am Michael Scott, Regional Manager of Dunder Mifflin Scranton. By now you are probably sick of hearing about Dunder Mifflin and our embarrassing watermark boner. Let me tell you something. Something from the heart. I am not leaving this office. It will take a SWAT team, to remove me from this office, and maybe not even that.”
Uh, you could never withstand a SWAT team.
Photo of Dwight Schrute
Photo of Michael Scott
That’s how devoted I am to this job.
I’m just saying…
Photo of Dwight Schrute
Photo of Michael Scott
I know.
They would flank you. Throw in a concussion grenade.
Photo of Dwight Schrute
Photo of Michael Scott
I understand that, Dwight.
You would be on the ground, blind, deaf, dumb.
Photo of Dwight Schrute
Photo of Michael Scott
Do you think you’re taking it a little… literally, Dwight? And now we’re wasting tape. I’m gonna have to cut this all out. Can you say cut?
Cut.
Photo of Dwight Schrute
Photo of Michael Scott
So I’ll know where—
Cut.
Photo of Pam Beesley
Photo of Michael Scott
I’m asking Pam to do it, please.
Cut.
Photo of Pam Beesley
Photo of Michael Scott
OK, ready?

Kevin, what’s four plus seven?
Photo of Angela Martin
Photo of Kevin Malone
thinks Eleven.
Yeah, well you didn’t know that when you filled out this payroll form.
Photo of Angela Martin
Photo of Kevin Malone
Yeah, well at least I didn’t suck at customer relations. Oooh, yes. Facial.
laughs Yes. air high five
Photo of Oscar Martinez
Photo of Angela Martin
You two are apes.
I expect you to apologize for that, Angela.
Photo of Oscar Martinez
Photo of Angela Martin
I’m sorry… that you’re both morons.
Oh, but you still said “I’m sorry.”
Photo of Kevin Malone
Photo of Angela Martin
I called you morons.
Still said it.
Photo of Kevin Malone
Photo of Oscar Martinez
Still said it, so… Kevin and Oscar screw up an air high five

Five, four, three. “There is no way, I will resign. It wouldn’t be fair. Not to the good workers I work with, not to my clients, and especially not to me. Let’s not forget who this whole resigning business is about, anyway. If I could leave you with one thought, remember… it wasn’t me. They’re trying to make me an escape goat. If I am fired, I swear to God, that every single piece of copier paper in this town is going to have the F-word on it. The F-word. You have one day.”
Photo of Michael Scott
Photo of Pam Beesley
One day for what?
That’s… they always give an ultimatum.
Photo of Michael Scott
Photo of Pam Beesley
OK.
Good, cut?
Photo of Michael Scott
Photo of Pam Beesley
Cut. That was your best apology video ever.
Thought so too.
Photo of Michael Scott

Photo of Creed Bratton
to Dwight Got a farewell card for Debbie Brown. I thought maybe you’d like to sign it. Maybe throw a couple of bucks in there for her. She’s got some children.

I feel terrible about Debbie Brown. She got fired because of Dwight. So I thought I’d pass around a goodbye card, maybe everyone could put in a couple of bucks to help her through these difficult times. Why do bad things always happen to the good people? It’s tragic. Just tragic.
Photo of Creed Bratton

Photo of Jim Halpert
You want music?
I don’t care.
Photo of Andy Bernard
Photo of Jim Halpert
Come on man, just give it a couple days. I think you’ll be all right.
Yeah.
Photo of Andy Bernard
Photo of Jim Halpert
singing the intro to The Lion King’s “The Lion Sleeps Tonight” A-wimowheh, a-wimowheh, a-wimowheh, a-wimowheh, a-wimowheh, a-wimowheh, a-wimowheh, a-wimowheh…
You know what— I don’t—
Photo of Andy Bernard
Photo of Jim Halpert
A-wimowheh, a-wimowheh, a-wimowheh, a-wimowheh, a-wimowheh, a-wimowheh, a-wimowheh, a-wimowheh, a-wimowheh…
Joins in with classic Andy falsetto Oooo-oo-oooo-ooo-oo-oooo-oo-ooo-ooo a-wi-imbube!
Photo of Andy Bernard
Photo of Jim Halpert
A-wimowheh, a-wimowheh, a-wimowheh, a-wimowheh, a-wimowheh…
Oooo-oo-oooo-ooo-oo-oooo-oo-ooo-ooo a-wi-imbube!
Photo of Andy Bernard
Photo of Jim Halpert
A-wimowheh, a-wimowheh, a-wimowheh, a-wimowheh, a-wimowheh…
Sweet.
Photo of Andy Bernard

Photo of Dwight Schrute
walks in dressed as Jim Pam.
Hey, Dwight. You look really nice today.
Photo of Pam Beesley
Photo of Dwight Schrute
scoffs Pssssh. I look like an idiot. Hey Karen.
Hey, Dwight, lookin’ sharp.
Photo of Karen
Photo of Dwight Schrute
Yeah, that’s cause I’m… you’re boyfriend, Jim Halpert. Hey, Karen, wanna get t-together later and have sexual intercourse cause you’re my girlfriend?
Do you?
Photo of Jim Halpert
Photo of Karen
No.
OK.
Photo of Jim Halpert
Photo of Karen
I’m good. Thanks.
Dwight imitates the “Jim face” Look at that.
Photo of Jim Halpert
Photo of Dwight Schrute
I’m Jim Halpert. more horrible “Jim faces”
Spot on.
Photo of Jim Halpert
Photo of Dwight Schrute
Ah-luh-luh, a little comment. Muh.

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