Product Recall - The Office (Season 3, Episode 21)

The entire office is in damage control - some of their paper was released with an obscene watermark of a cartoon duck and mouse having sex. One of the local high schools has used the paper to print out and send invitations to prom. Jim and Andy go to the high school to do their best to calm down the school principal - and while there Andy notices his girlfriend in the halls... which then ruins his day.

Michael, on the other hand, decides to address the media. He arranges for a customer to come to the office, so that he can present her with a novelty check for free paper. With the media present (a single reporter from the Scranton Times), Michael apologizes to the customer. However, she refuses his apology and asks for his resignation. Michael refuses to resign and angrily decides to give the check to someone else. Dwight, in a botched attempt to calm the customer, insists that the cartoon sex appears consensual.

Michael later decides to film his own apology video with Pam as the cameratographer and Dwight holding up cue cards.

The rest of the staff is tasked with handling customer support calls. Kelly is tasked with training the accountants on how to handle customer support calls. Each of accountants has their own style - Angela can't manage to apologize sincerely enough, Oscar handles it with aplomb, and Kevin just keeps repeating his apology. Creed, whose job it was to catch mistakes like they're having to deal with, sneakily finds a way to shed blame on an employee at the paper mill who was out of the office

Jim and Dwight take turns impersonating the other person... with Jim's impersonation being spot on. Dwights... well... not so much.

Best Funny Quotes From The Office - Product Recall

Dressed as Dwight It’s kind of blurry. puts on his glasses That’s better. exhales Question. What kind of bear is best?
Photo of Jim Halpert
Photo of Dwight Schrute
That’s a ridiculous question.
False. Black bear.
Photo of Jim Halpert
Photo of Dwight Schrute
Well that’s debatable. There are basically two schools of thought—
Fact. Bears eat beets. Bears. Beets. Battlestar Galactica.
Photo of Jim Halpert
Photo of Dwight Schrute
Bears do not— What is going on— What are you doing?!

Last week, I was in a drug store and I saw these glasses. Uh, four dollars. And it only cost me seven dollars to recreate the rest of the ensemble. And that’s a grand total of… Jim calculates the total on his calculator-watch eleven dollars.
Photo of Jim Halpert

Photo of Dwight Schrute
You know what? Imitation is the most sincere form of flattery, so I thank you. Jim places a bobble-head on his desk Identity theft is not a joke, Jim! Millions of families suffer every year!
… MICHAEL!
Photo of Jim Halpert
Photo of Dwight Schrute
Oh, that’s funny. MICHAEL!

on phone Yes, I understand. Can I transfer you to customer relations?
Photo of Pam Beesley
Photo of Jim Halpert
on phone Absolutely. I couldn’t be more sorry about this.
on phone I know, I know. We’re all trying to get to the bottom of this.
Photo of Phyllis
Photo of Stanley Hudson
on phone I am upset. Don’t I sound upset?
on phone It is disgusting. I totally agree. Well, we’re going to recalling all of that paper.
Photo of Michael Scott

Photo of Michael Scott
We have a crisis. Apparently, a disgruntled employee at the paper mill decided that it would be funny to put an obscene watermark on our 24 pound cream butter stock. Five hundred boxes has gone out, with the image of a beloved cartoon duck, performing… unspeakable acts upon a certain cartoon mouse that a lot of people like. I’ve never been a fan.

Everybody in here. STAT. No time to lose. Cri-Man-Squa. F and C, doubletime.
Photo of Michael Scott
Photo of Dwight Schrute
Cri-Man-Squa?
Crisis Management Squad.
Photo of Michael Scott
Photo of Ryan
F and C, doubletime?
Front and Center. Twice as fast as you would normally go. Any other questions?
Photo of Michael Scott
Photo of Jim Halpert
One more. Why are you talking like that?
To save time, Jim.
Photo of Michael Scott
Photo of Karen
Actually I think you could make the argument that it wastes time.
Yeah, she has a good point. I mean, for example, with the last thing you said, by the time you explained it, it actually took up more time.
Photo of Pam Beesley
Photo of Michael Scott
You know what? Bluh bluh bluh bluh bluh! Forget it. Where is Creed?
Here.
Photo of Creed Bratton
Photo of Michael Scott
Creed. Quality assurance. Your job. I really think you screwed the pooch on one, Creed. Because of you, the entire company is in jeopardy.

Every week I’m supposed to take four hours and do a quality spot-check at the paper mill. And of course the one year I blow it off, this happens.
Photo of Creed Bratton

Photo of Michael Scott
We have a lot of angry customers out there. This puts us at threat level midnight. Accounting, you are on customer service duty today.
That’s really not our job.
Photo of Oscar Martinez
Photo of Michael Scott
Midnight, Oscar! Don’t worry, Kelly will be training you first.
Kelly’s training us?
Photo of Angela Martin

Photo of Kelly Kapoor
This day is bananas. B-A-N-A-N-A-S. This day is bananas! B-A-N-A-

getting a pill from the bottle I don’t have a headache. I’m just preparing.
Photo of Angela Martin

Photo of Michael Scott
Jim, big fire in your house. Your client, Dunmore High-school, sent out their prom invitations on this paper. Went home to all the kids.
Yeah, I gotta call out on that.
Photo of Jim Halpert
Photo of Michael Scott
No, no, no, no. Not good enough. This is a keystone account. I want you in the school. In person.
All right.
Photo of Jim Halpert
Photo of Michael Scott
I want you to bring a partner.
I’ll go.
Photo of Ryan
Photo of Michael Scott
No, sweet cheeks. We need someone who’s actually made a sale. Andy, you go.
English accent William Dolittle at your service. A.K.A., Will Do.
Photo of Andy Bernard
Photo of Jim Halpert
Yeah, I’m definitely gonna go alone.
No, no. I need two men on this. That’s what she said. No time! But she did. NO TIME! Guys, get on this. Dwight, I want you to be in charge of the press conference.
Photo of Michael Scott
Photo of Dwight Schrute
Yes! You are entering the “No Spin Zone!”
We’re having a press conference?
Photo of Pam Beesley
Photo of Michael Scott
No, Pam. The press is just gonna find out by themselves.
Not! scoffs
Photo of Dwight Schrute

Photo of Michael Scott
Here’s the thing. When a company screws up, best thing to do is call a press conference. Alert the media, and then you control the story. Wait for them to find out, and the story controls you. That’s what happened to O.J.

I have invited Barbara Allen, one of our oldest clients, to come in here, and meet with me, for a personal apology. The press wants a story, I will give them a story.
Photo of Michael Scott
Photo of Jim Halpert
Oh, did the press ask for a story?
Here is your headline. “Scranton Area Paper Company, Dunder Mifflin, apologizes to valued client. Some companies still know how business is done.” Okay? Battle stations everybody, let’s go, go, go, go, go, go!
Photo of Michael Scott

Photo of Creed Bratton
Yes, hello. Creed Bratton, Quality Assurance, Dunder Mifflin Scranton. I was supposed to meet with one of your floor managers last week for a quality inspection, and he or she wasn’t there. And I’m trying to remember who it was. Mm-hmm. Who wasn’t there last week? Debbie Brown. And which day was that? Wednesday, the eleventh. Perfect.

The only difference between me and a homeless man is this job. I will do whatever it takes to survive. Like I did… when I was a homeless man.
Photo of Creed Bratton

Photo of Kelly Kapoor
Look, I know the reason that you guys became accountants is because you’re not good at interacting with people. But guess what? From now on, you guys are no longer losers! So give yourselves a round of applause. Kelly and Kevin clap
I wonder how many phone calls you’re missing while you’re teaching us to answer calls.
Photo of Oscar Martinez
Photo of Kelly Kapoor
I know, right? Probably a lot.
Can you just tell us what we need to do so we can go?
Photo of Angela Martin
Photo of Kelly Kapoor
OK, Angela. I love your enthusiasm. All you need to know how to do is pick up the phone and say “Customer Service, this is Kelly!” Except don’t say “Kelly,” say your own name. Or if you’re bored, you can just make up a name. Like one time, I said I was Bridget Jones, in an English accent and I talked like this for the whole conversation!
Oh! Can I be horrible Australian accent Australian, mate?
Photo of Kevin Malone
Photo of Kelly Kapoor
in accent Absolutely!
in accent ‘ello, mate!
Photo of Kevin Malone
Photo of Kelly Kapoor
in accent I like ice cream! I need a boyfriend.
in accent I like ice cream too, mate. Alligators and dingo babies.
Photo of Kevin Malone

Photo of Andy Bernard
Beer me!
What’s that?
Photo of Jim Halpert
Photo of Andy Bernard
Hand me that water. I always say “Beer me.” Gets a laugh like a quarter of the time. So how’s what’s-her-name?
You know her name.
Photo of Jim Halpert
Photo of Andy Bernard
Who, Karen? Yeah, she’s only one of my oldest friends. takes swig of water Mmm. How’s the apartment hangin’?
It’s fine.
Photo of Jim Halpert
Photo of Andy Bernard
Nice. Check out this sunshine, man. Global warming, right? Today was supposed to be really cold, I bet.
What about music? Do you have any music?
Photo of Jim Halpert
Photo of Andy Bernard
Uh, yeah. Should have said so. sings Rha-dah-dah-dah! Give me the beat, boys, and free my soul. I wanna get lost in your rock and roll and drift away-he-hay. Ruu-da-doo-da-doo, ba-dit-da-doo-da-dun, Give me the beat, boys, and free my little-ole-soul, I wa–
I was thinkin’ about more like a CD, or… a CD.
Photo of Jim Halpert
Photo of Andy Bernard
Your call, dude. My girlfriend made an awesome mix. Beer me that disc.

Lord, beer me strength.
Photo of Jim Halpert

Photo of Andy Bernard
So, Tuna. When we get in there, let’s do a really good job, okay?
Did that really need to be said?
Photo of Jim Halpert
Photo of Andy Bernard
Well not everything a guy says needs to be said. Sometimes it’s just about the music of the conversation.

Whoa! What the— Why is my girlfriend here?
Photo of Andy Bernard
Photo of Jim Halpert
Oh, is she that teacher in the white?
No, she’s a part-time frozen yogurt chef.
Photo of Andy Bernard
Photo of Jim Halpert
Which one… is she?
The one in the green hoodie.
Photo of Andy Bernard
Photo of Jim Halpert
Wow.
I wonder if she’s, like, a… a guidance counselor, or something?
Photo of Andy Bernard
Photo of Jim Halpert
No, I don’t think so.
She’s like, probably a tutor.
Photo of Andy Bernard
Photo of Jim Halpert
Nope.
She probably a t–
Photo of Andy Bernard
Photo of Jim Halpert
No.
Sh—
Photo of Andy Bernard
Photo of Jim Halpert
No.

OK, press conference in 45. Dwight, make sure this place looks nice.
Photo of Michael Scott
Photo of Dwight Schrute
On it. OK, Karen, Ryan, Pam, center stage. Pam, run a comb through your hair.

First rule in road-side beet sales: Put the most attractive beets on top. The ones that make you pull the car over and go, “Wow, I need this beet right now.” Those are the money beets.
Photo of Dwight Schrute

Photo of Dwight Schrute
Chad Lite walks in the door to Office workers Hey! snaps twice Look sharp! to Chad Lite Hey! Uh, Hi. Hello, Dwight Schrute.
Hi, uh—
Photo of Chad Lite
Photo of Dwight Schrute
And you must be uh, from the Washington Post.
Scranton Times. Chad Lite, “Lighter Side of Life.”
Photo of Chad Lite
Photo of Dwight Schrute
And “Breaking Corporate News.”
And obits.
Photo of Chad Lite
Photo of Dwight Schrute
Oh, dear God. OK, here are your credentials. You’ve been granted level three security clearance.
Oh…
Photo of Chad Lite
Photo of Dwight Schrute
Don’t get too excited, that’s out of 20. Right this way. Regional Manager Michael Scott will be addressing the client in the press room shortly. Have a seat, can I get you a beverage?
Uh, yeah, I’d like uh, uh—
Photo of Chad Lite
Photo of Dwight Schrute
shuts door on him Great.

Oh, Andy. You know what? We don’t have a lot of time, so we should probably…
Photo of Jim Halpert
Photo of Andy Bernard
Jamie!
Andy— Ohh…
Photo of Jim Halpert
Photo of Andy Bernard
What are you doing here?
Andy?
Photo of Jamie
Photo of Andy Bernard
Are you a student here?
Oh… yeah…
Photo of Jamie
Photo of Andy Bernard
You never told me you were in high-school!
This is weird. I… gotta go to Spanish.
Photo of Jamie
Photo of Andy Bernard
OH MY GOD!
Oh my God.
Photo of Jim Halpert
Photo of Andy Bernard
I had no idea.
Well… that’s not gonna hold up in court.
Photo of Jim Halpert
Photo of Andy Bernard
Huh… We didn’t do anything illegal. Except knock over a mailbox with her friends.

on phone Sir, yes, you have a valid point. I’m sorry. No, I am so sorry.
Photo of Kevin Malone
Photo of Oscar Martinez
on phone Really, Dixon City? …Carbondale.
on phone Excuse me? Well, I don’t see how that’s our fault. And I’ve already told you, the official position of Dunder Mifflin is apologetic, so I don’t know what you want from me. hangs up
Photo of Angela Martin
Photo of Kelly Kapoor
OK, first, I just wanna say that you are doing sooo good. Look, you have so many good qualities, that the one that you might wanna work on is, apologizing?

When I went over Wednesday, for the spot-check, I got a call from Debbie Brown, saying she has an emergency dentist appointment.
Photo of Creed Bratton
Photo of Dwight Schrute
Emergency dentist appointment.
Now I’m told she told her manager she had the flu. I’m a trusting guy, but uh, I just wish Debbie Brown had been there. We would have caught this.
Photo of Creed Bratton

Photo of Pam Beesley
Yes, I’ll be sure someone returns your call. I’m so sorry. Bye.
Hello, I’m looking for Michael Scott.
Photo of Barbara

Photo of Michael Scott
Mrs. Allen is our most important client… because every client is our most important client. Even though she’s a pretty unimportant client, really.

And so, with the eyes of the nation upon us, I would like to say that Dunder Mifflin truly regrets this unfortunate incident. And, as a gesture of gratitude, for your continued loyalty, Mrs. Allen, I would like to present you with this novelty check, for six months of free paper or 25 reams, whichever comes first.
Photo of Michael Scott
Photo of Dwight Schrute
snaps picture with his camera phone You look good in this.
So, let us consider this matter ended.
Photo of Michael Scott
Photo of Barbara
Well it isn’t ended. I’m… I’m very angry. I— I could have lost business.
I know, I know you’re angry. And we are truly, truly sorry.
Photo of Michael Scott
Photo of Barbara
I don’t accept your apology. The watermark was obscene and horrifying.
Well, we are extremely sorry.
Photo of Michael Scott
Photo of Barbara
I don’t accept.

I’ll be with you in a moment.
School Official
Photo of Jim Halpert
All right.

Who was that guy she was talking to? At her locker.
Photo of Andy Bernard
Photo of Jim Halpert
Not important. Because you’re not dating her. Because it’s a felony.
But who was that guy?
Photo of Andy Bernard
Photo of Jim Halpert
Probably another high-school student.

The issue with the watermark is very serious.
School Official
Photo of Jim Halpert
Absolutely.
We teach our students that character counts.
School Official
Photo of Jim Halpert
And you should.
But—
School Official
Photo of Andy Bernard
scoffs Pfft. You don’t teach it well enough. One of your students is a bitch.
Andy… is having a real rough day today.
Photo of Jim Halpert
Photo of Andy Bernard
I want to take out an ad, in your yearbook. A full page, two words—
“Good luck.”
Photo of Jim Halpert
Photo of Andy Bernard
That’s not what I had in mind.

Ask where he’s from.
Photo of Kelly Kapoor
Photo of Angela Martin
on phone Where are you from? Ohio? That’s nice. So what do you want? to Kelly He’s upset about the watermark.
OK, great. Now tell him that it was an unfortunate error, and we’re doing everything we can do to fix it, and that you’re sorry.
Photo of Kelly Kapoor
Photo of Angela Martin
on phone It was an unfortunate error. We’re fixing it. And you already got your money back…
And you’re sorry.
Photo of Kelly Kapoor
Photo of Angela Martin
…and the company has already apologized, so you can take that apology or not. hangs up to Kelly I think he had Tourette’s or something!

We… are going to do everything humanly possible, to ensure that this never happens again.
Photo of Michael Scott
Photo of Barbara
Well, it— it doesn’t help, because it already happened to me.
The watermark… it’s a one time thing.
Photo of Michael Scott
Photo of Barbara
I don’t care! It was disgusting. Cartoon characters having sex?
May I point out that the sex appeared to be consensual? Both animals were smiling.
Photo of Dwight Schrute
Photo of Michael Scott
OK…

I grew up on a farm. I have seen animals having sex in every position imaginable. Goat on chicken. Chicken on goat. Couple of chickens doin’ a goat, couple of pigs watching. Whoever drew this got it exactly right.
Photo of Dwight Schrute

Photo of Michael Scott
What… can I do, for you?
I, for starters, I think that you should resign.
Photo of Barbara
Photo of Michael Scott
Well… exhales OK, well… Um, wasn’t really my fault. The guys at the papermill—
You’re the head—
Photo of Barbara
Photo of Michael Scott
The guys at the papermill— No no no!
You’re the head of the company!
Photo of Barbara
Photo of Michael Scott
I’m the head of the company?!
Yes, and that makes it your responsibility—
Photo of Barbara
Photo of Michael Scott
No, I’m a regional manager—
And so you should lose your job!
Photo of Barbara
Photo of Michael Scott
No— my— OK, this is insane. You can get out of here. Get out!
Fine.
Photo of Barbara
Photo of Michael Scott
That’s insane. We’ll give this to somebody who will appreciate it.
Mm-hmm.
Photo of Barbara
Photo of Dwight Schrute
It’s non-transferable…
Doesn’t matter. Out please!
Photo of Michael Scott
Photo of Barbara
I’m calling the Better Business Bureau.
Yeah, well I’m calling the Ungrateful Bi-atch Hotline! to Chad Lite Did you get all that?
Photo of Michael Scott
Photo of Chad Lite
Everything.

We gotta do something. exhales This is spinning out of control, Pam. This is just, not…
Photo of Michael Scott
Photo of Pam Beesley
It’s just the Scranton Times…
No, then Newsweek picks it up. And then CNN does a story about it. Then… YouTube gets a hold of it…
Photo of Michael Scott
Photo of Pam Beesley
You know what? I really think the whole thing is just gonna blow over in like a week or two.
You’re right. It will blow over. But it’s not… going to take… a week or two. pulls out a video camcorder from his desk Do you know what this is for?
Photo of Michael Scott
Photo of Pam Beesley
Yes.

Michael likes me to run the camera when he makes his apology videos. He says he needs a woman’s touch.
Photo of Pam Beesley

Photo of Michael Scott
Dwight is spraying far too much hairspray into Michael’s hair OK, I think that’s good.

“Hello. I am Michael Scott, Regional Manager of Dunder Mifflin Scranton. By now you are probably sick of hearing about Dunder Mifflin and our embarrassing watermark boner. Let me tell you something. Something from the heart. I am not leaving this office. It will take a SWAT team, to remove me from this office, and maybe not even that.”
Photo of Michael Scott
Photo of Dwight Schrute
Uh, you could never withstand a SWAT team.
That’s how devoted I am to this job.
Photo of Michael Scott
Photo of Dwight Schrute
I’m just saying…
I know.
Photo of Michael Scott
Photo of Dwight Schrute
They would flank you. Throw in a concussion grenade.
I understand that, Dwight.
Photo of Michael Scott
Photo of Dwight Schrute
You would be on the ground, blind, deaf, dumb.
Do you think you’re taking it a little… literally, Dwight? And now we’re wasting tape. I’m gonna have to cut this all out. Can you say cut?
Photo of Michael Scott
Photo of Dwight Schrute
Cut.
So I’ll know where—
Photo of Michael Scott
Photo of Pam Beesley
Cut.
I’m asking Pam to do it, please.
Photo of Michael Scott
Photo of Pam Beesley
Cut.
OK, ready?
Photo of Michael Scott

Photo of Angela Martin
Kevin, what’s four plus seven?
thinks Eleven.
Photo of Kevin Malone
Photo of Angela Martin
Yeah, well you didn’t know that when you filled out this payroll form.
Yeah, well at least I didn’t suck at customer relations. Oooh, yes. Facial.
Photo of Kevin Malone
Photo of Oscar Martinez
laughs Yes. air high five
You two are apes.
Photo of Angela Martin
Photo of Oscar Martinez
I expect you to apologize for that, Angela.
I’m sorry… that you’re both morons.
Photo of Angela Martin
Photo of Kevin Malone
Oh, but you still said “I’m sorry.”
I called you morons.
Photo of Angela Martin
Photo of Kevin Malone
Still said it.
Still said it, so… Kevin and Oscar screw up an air high five
Photo of Oscar Martinez

Photo of Michael Scott
Five, four, three. “There is no way, I will resign. It wouldn’t be fair. Not to the good workers I work with, not to my clients, and especially not to me. Let’s not forget who this whole resigning business is about, anyway. If I could leave you with one thought, remember… it wasn’t me. They’re trying to make me an escape goat. If I am fired, I swear to God, that every single piece of copier paper in this town is going to have the F-word on it. The F-word. You have one day.”
One day for what?
Photo of Pam Beesley
Photo of Michael Scott
That’s… they always give an ultimatum.
OK.
Photo of Pam Beesley
Photo of Michael Scott
Good, cut?
Cut. That was your best apology video ever.
Photo of Pam Beesley
Photo of Michael Scott
Thought so too.

to Dwight Got a farewell card for Debbie Brown. I thought maybe you’d like to sign it. Maybe throw a couple of bucks in there for her. She’s got some children.
Photo of Creed Bratton

Photo of Creed Bratton
I feel terrible about Debbie Brown. She got fired because of Dwight. So I thought I’d pass around a goodbye card, maybe everyone could put in a couple of bucks to help her through these difficult times. Why do bad things always happen to the good people? It’s tragic. Just tragic.

You want music?
Photo of Jim Halpert
Photo of Andy Bernard
I don’t care.
Come on man, just give it a couple days. I think you’ll be all right.
Photo of Jim Halpert
Photo of Andy Bernard
Yeah.
singing the intro to The Lion King’s “The Lion Sleeps Tonight” A-wimowheh, a-wimowheh, a-wimowheh, a-wimowheh, a-wimowheh, a-wimowheh, a-wimowheh, a-wimowheh…
Photo of Jim Halpert
Photo of Andy Bernard
You know what— I don’t—
A-wimowheh, a-wimowheh, a-wimowheh, a-wimowheh, a-wimowheh, a-wimowheh, a-wimowheh, a-wimowheh, a-wimowheh…
Photo of Jim Halpert
Photo of Andy Bernard
Joins in with classic Andy falsetto Oooo-oo-oooo-ooo-oo-oooo-oo-ooo-ooo a-wi-imbube!
A-wimowheh, a-wimowheh, a-wimowheh, a-wimowheh, a-wimowheh…
Photo of Jim Halpert
Photo of Andy Bernard
Oooo-oo-oooo-ooo-oo-oooo-oo-ooo-ooo a-wi-imbube!
A-wimowheh, a-wimowheh, a-wimowheh, a-wimowheh, a-wimowheh…
Photo of Jim Halpert
Photo of Andy Bernard
Sweet.

walks in dressed as Jim Pam.
Photo of Dwight Schrute
Photo of Pam Beesley
Hey, Dwight. You look really nice today.
scoffs Pssssh. I look like an idiot. Hey Karen.
Photo of Dwight Schrute
Photo of Karen
Hey, Dwight, lookin’ sharp.
Yeah, that’s cause I’m… you’re boyfriend, Jim Halpert. Hey, Karen, wanna get t-together later and have sexual intercourse cause you’re my girlfriend?
Photo of Dwight Schrute
Photo of Jim Halpert
Do you?
No.
Photo of Karen
Photo of Jim Halpert
OK.
I’m good. Thanks.
Photo of Karen
Photo of Jim Halpert
Dwight imitates the “Jim face” Look at that.
I’m Jim Halpert. more horrible “Jim faces”
Photo of Dwight Schrute
Photo of Jim Halpert
Spot on.
Ah-luh-luh, a little comment. Muh.
Photo of Dwight Schrute

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