Business School - The Office (Season 3, Episode 17)

Michael demands an explanation for Kevin's tardiness but cuts off the accountant in the middle of his near-death skid story to announce that he will be the "special lecturer emeritus" in Ryan's emerging enterprises class. Ryan reveals in his talking head that if you bring your boss to class, it will automatically bump you up to another letter grade. He is shown to be rather reluctant about inviting Michael. Michael, in his own talking head, compares himself to a "cool" teacher from his childhood, who would tell jokes and hang out with the students, before revealing that the man was a pedophile.

As Michael packs his supplies for his speaking, Michael asks Dwight what was the most inspiring thing he has said to him. Dwight responds by saying "Don't be an idiot." In an interview, Dwight explains that whenever he is about to do something, he wonders "Would an idiot do that? And if they would, I do not do that thing."

En route to the campus, Michael ponders the possibility of the students throwing their hats following his speech so that he may use a "great line" he came up with: "May your hats fly as high as your dreams." Ryan explains that it would be out of context as no one is graduating. Michael calls Ryan a "spaz" and tickles him causing the young man to swerve.

Back in the office, Roy tells Pam that he can't wait for Pam's art show, which is being held at the school where Pam and her classmates learn art. She reveals she's dating Roy again after their eight-month split from each other. Jim dismisses the matter: "Pam's with Roy, I'm with Karen, Brangelina's with Frangelina."

Strolling through campus, Michael "remembers" all the fun he would have had in college. Spotting a threesome tossing a Frisbee, he declares something about getting his "friz on," then he runs into the game, snags the disc, and wildly tosses it in a direction where no one is standing.

Michael cannot hear Ryan's introduction, wherein Ryan explains how Dunder Mifflin is a dying company. Michael accompanies his entrance with a Brandenburg concerto playing from a boombox and begins his speech by ripping the pages out of a student's expensive textbook. Michael illustrates his description of how to start a business with a series of candy bars, throwing them to the incredulous audience.

Ryan redirects the speech into a question-and-answer session. Michael solemnly states that "real business is done on paper," and tells the students to write that fact down. The audience quickly complies by typing it on their laptops.

The Q&A session intensifies, with students wondering aloud how a small business could survive against the "five Goliaths" of the paper industry. Michael defends his company, commenting at the students' inability to understand the situation based upon their age and lack of experience. He also states that the United States faces "five goliaths" as well but only states four: Al-Qaeda, Global Warming, sex predators, and mercury poisoning. When a student uses Ryan's prediction of Dunder Mifflin's obsolescence as proof of his point, Michael is shocked to hear that Ryan had made such a statement. He informs the room that Ryan still hasn't made a sale, started a fire in his attempt to make a cheese pita, and "a lot of people think he's a tease." He heads for the exit, shouting, "Ryan doesn't know anything, and neither do any of you. So suck on that!"

In the car ride home, Michael tells Ryan to clean out his desk. Ryan has mixed feelings when he learns that he is simply being relocated to the annex... right next to Kelly. Michael then comments to Ryan that "... a good manager doesn't fire people, he hires people and inspires people... people will never go out of business". The words of wisdom surprise Ryan.

Kelly is ecstatic Ryan is moving to the desk beside her, but he tells her that it's only temporary and tells her not to freak out. Nevertheless, she remains excited.

Dwight spots animal droppings on the carpet. He peeks above the ceiling tiles and initially concludes that there is a bird stuck in the air vents, but is surprised to discover that it is actually a bat. The bat escapes, and everyone panics (except for Jim, Oscar, and a somewhat amused Creed). Kelly and Meredith scream, Kevin runs into the camera, Pam hides near the coat rack, Karen hides under her desk, and Angela falls flat on the floor and prays. Stanley heads home (with a very dry "Good-bye") as Dwight shuts the bat in a conference room. Angela puts on a clear plastic rain bonnet so the bat won't poop on her head.

Jim calls animal control and tells Dwight that it won't be at the office until 6 p.m. As Jim and Dwight talk, Jim tells Dwight that he doesn't feel good. He tells Dwight he might have been bitten by the bat and implies he might be turning into a vampire. Dwight looks on in confusion. Jim and Karen continue pranking Dwight, speaking in slow, deliberate tones. In one incident, Jim says that Karen's "ice cold" slice of garlic bread burns him, and later he claims to be blinded by the bright light reflecting off of Angela's cross.

Dwight says, if a vampire bat was in the U.S., it would make sense that it came from a "–sylvania", like Pennsylvania. He continues by saying Jim may not turn into a vampire but is carrying the vampiric germ. As the day progresses, Dwight teams up with Creed to take down the bat. Kelly protests their attempts to kill it, claiming that it is a living creature with feelings "and a family." Dwight and Creed's first attempt is unsuccessful, as the bat flies out of the conference room and into the break room, whereupon Kelly changes her tune to "KILL IT!" as it comes near her. When the day ends, everyone leaves the office, except for Meredith, who is stuck in the women's restroom. Jim leaves as though he's a vampire, shielding himself from the sun with his overcoat. Dwight finally gets the bat. Dwight then charges into the break room with a garbage bag. The bat lands on Meredith's head and Dwight traps the bat in the bag along with Meredith's head. After much struggle, he manages to get the bat off of her.

Previously, in the office, when Pam asks Kelly to come to her art show, Kelly feigns excitement about attending. Toby states that he would like to go, but his daughter has a play that night. In a rare display of emotion, he expresses extreme disappointment at having to miss Pam's show to the point of maligning his daughter, but Pam tells him he should go to the play. At the art show, Roy appears with his brother and gleefully points out the fact that he brought another guest while no one else from Dunder Mifflin had shown up. Roy quickly leaves with his brother and Pam says she'll just drive herself home. Roy asks her to drive to his place. Oscar's boyfriend, Gil, criticizes her work as unimaginative "motel art". At the end of the night, Michael arrives and is impressed with her work. He zeroes in on her portrait of the office building and insists on buying it to hang in the office, telling Pam he is proud of her. His words visibly touch Pam, and she hugs him in thanks. Later, he hangs the picture in the office, stating that the portrait would not have been made possible without the use of paper... unless the image had been taken by a camera.

Best Funny Quotes From The Office - Business School

Oh hey, Kevin, nice of you to join us, where were you?

My tire blew out on the way here, Michael.

Huh?

I almost died. I… I went into this skid—

Pop quiz.

…What?

Why is today a special day?

I almost died.

Today’s a special day, because I am being honored as a… visiting… professor, special lecturer, emeritus… how did you, how did you…

You will be a guest speaker… in my Emerging Enterprises class.

In business school, Kevin. Business school.

Wow.

If you bring your boss to class, it automatically bumps you up a full letter grade. So… I’d be stupid not to do it, right?

A boss is like a teacher. And I am like the cool teacher. Like Mr. Handell. Mr. Handell would hang out with us, and he would tell us awesome jokes. And he actually hooked up with one of the students. Um… and then like twelve other kids came forward. It was in all the papers. … Really ruined eighth grade for us.

Here we go. College Roadshow. Gotta bring our… A game. What was the most inspiring thing I’ve ever said to you?

“Don’t be an idiot.” Changed my life.

Whenever I’m about to do something, I think, “Would an idiot do that?” And if they would, I do not do that thing.

Will they throw their hats, you think?

What?

A lot of times, at a… school, or naval academy, after a rousing speech, the crowd would throw its hats high into the air.

Y-You understand nobody’s graduating.

Yeah, I know, I know. I’m just saying if they did throw their hats I’ve got a great line for that: “May your hats fly as high as your dreams.” … That was a pretty good line.

…It doesn’t apply.

I understand! Wow. Relax, spazzy boy. Sometimes you’re such a little spaz! pokes Ryan Whoa, hey!

Quit it!

We have fun.

I can’t for your art show tonight.

Okay, just so you know, it’s just the students from my class in a little studio.

I-I wouldn’t miss it for the world.

Thanks.

I’m really happy to be back with Roy. I think it shows maturity. Maturity and dignity. … Is that braggy? I don’t mean it to be braggy.

Love ya.

You too.

Pam’s with Roy. I’m with Karen. And, uh, Brangelina is with Frangelina. Movin’ on.

I can’t believe you’re back together with Roy!

Oh, yeah! We have such a solid foundation, you know.

Oh my God. You’re so in love now.

Yeah. Oh, you should come to my art show, by the way.

Oh, art show!

I mean, it’s not a big deal, but I think a lot of people from the office will be there.

…Oh… yeah. Definitely… I’ll be there. For sure.

Campus. Brings back so many memories. … That I would have made. Hey. Frisbee. Check that out. Aww! What do you say we get our Fris on before class? runs over, throws frisbee Whoo!

…Oh my God. Animal stool. jumps on desk

Dwight, what are you doing?

Solving a mystery, if that’s quite alright with you. opens ceiling tile Come to Papa. Okay, ladies and gentlemen, what we have here is a bird that has been trapped in a vent. Fortunately I have found it befo–BAT! BAAAT! BAT!

Oh my God!

BAAAAT! BAT! NO! EVERYONE REMAIN CALM! There it goes!

Goooood bye.

on ground … Please don’t let that stupid thing near me…

Okay, this is it. Ryan is doing my intro right now.

…Dunder-Mifflin can’t compete with the modern chains, and management is unwilling, or unable, to adapt. Their customers are dying off…

I can’t hear what he’s saying, but he looks like he’s really into it.

We have… a bat… in the office.

The simple solution would be to open a window… if we had… windows that could open.

Poop is raining from the ceilings. Poop!

Okay. Thanks. hangs up phone Animal control will be here at six.

At Six?! No, that is unacceptable. Okay, Jim, you are the number two in this office. You need to step up and show some leadership.

I’m sorry what did you say? So wierd…

What? What’s so wierd?

The bat, I mean, I know I felt it bite me, but look. There’s no mark. I feel so… tingly… so strangely powerful… shrugs Oh well.

And now, without further ado, I present the regional manager of Dunder Mifflin, Scranton, Michael Scott.

Hello everyone, I am Michael Scott. And I would like to start today by inspiring you. May I borrow someone’s textbook, please? Thank you. What have we here? Ooh. Economics. Very, very interesting. rips pages out of book You cannot learn from books. Replace these pages with life lessons, and then, you will have… a book… that is worth its weight in gold. gives book back I know these are expensive, um, but the lesson is priceless. Good. Alright. I think you’re inspired. Shall we proceed? There are four kinds of business: Tourism. Food service. Railroads, and sales. And hospitals slash manufacturing. And air travel.

sighs This is your job, Halpert.

Ow!

Oh, what happened?

That bread on your desk? I just picked it up. It’s white hot.

But Jim, this garlic bread is cold.

What? … No. It burned me. I… bizarre.

No… no. One crisis at a time.

If a vampire bat was in the U.S., it would make sense for it to come to a “sylvania.” Like PENN-sylvania. Now that doesn’t mean that Jim is going to become a vampire. Only that he carries the vampiric germ.

So, you wanna start a business. How do you start? What do you need? Well, first of all, you need a building. And secondly, you need supply. You need something to sell. Now this could be anything. It could be… a… thingamajig. Or a… a whosi-whatsi. Or… pulls out a candy bar a Whatchamacallit throws bar. Now, you need to sell those in order to have a PayDay takes out a PayDay, throws it. And, if you sell enough of them, you will make a 100 Grand throws 100 Grand bar. pulls out a Snickers Satisfied?

Oh, this looks great. I’d, I’d love to be there, but my daughter’s play is tonight. … Damnit! You know, one of the other parents will probably videotape it.

Oh! No, you should go.

Well, it’s important to support local art, you know. And what they do is not art.

Okay, I’m seeing some confused… faces out there. Let me slow down a little bit. Break this down. Okay. The more stickers you sell, the more profit, fancy word for money, you have to buy PlayStations and Beanie Babies.

Michael.

…And products!

What we normally do here is more of a question and answer thing.

Well… okay, I was just kind of getting it going. Um, alright. Well, okay, we can do questions. Okay. Very good. First hand up.

We can’t overestimate the value of computers. Yes, they are great for playing games and forwarding funny emails. But real business is done on paper, okay? Write that down. everyone types on their laptops

Hey Jim, here’s the aspirin you wanted.

Oh, thank God. I have such a headache from that glare.

What glare?

The glare off Angela’s crucifix? It’s blinding.

I don’t have a lot of experience with vampires, but I have hunted werewolves. I shot one once. But by the time I got to it, it had turned back into my neighbor’s dog.

Extraordinary events call for extraordinary actions. We form an allegiance–

Sure.

–to use sudden violence.

Okay.

Do you have the tools to turn a wooden mop handle into a stake?

What size?

…I say you will miss our service, and I absolutely guarantee you’ll come back.

…We don’t want them back, ’cause they’re… stupid.

Nice try, how’s your Pollack-says-what index?

Thanks, Kowalsky. Um, can we get on track here?

…Wait, Ryan said that?

What are you doing? You’d better not hurt that little bat.

Animals can’t feel pain.

Don’t hurt that bat, Creed! It’s a living thing with feelings and a family!

Flush him towards the door. On my go… NOW!

AHH! KILL IT! KILL IT! KILL IIIT!

locks bat in break room I… am a hero!

Yeah sure, you know business, sitting up here in your ivory tower. And your ebony tower. You know what? Tell you one thing, Dunder-Mifflin is here to stay.

David will always beat Goliath.

Yeah, yeah. You know what else is facing five Goliaths? America. Al-Qaeda, global warming, sex predators… mercury poisoning. So do we just give up? Is that what we’re learning in business school?

Dunder-Mifflin is the big picture! Can’t you understand that? No, you can’t. You’re too young. Ryan… has never made a sale. And he started a fire trying to make a cheesy pita. And everybody thinks he’s a tease. Well you know what? He doesn’t know anything, and neither do you. walks out SO SUCK ON THAT!

…It wasn’t personal.

Business is always personal. It’s the most personal thing in the world. When we get back to the office, pack your things.

Pack my–?

You heard me, pack your things.

I really want to come out!

Good night, Mary Beth!

So… you’re cool to just wait here for animal control?

Animal control? I’ve been controlling animals since I was six.

Cool. Okay. I’m gonna go home and lie down, draw the shades… there’s just so much sun in here… bye Dwight.

Goodbye Jim. And good luck.

Jim is on a path now. An eternal journey, and I wish him well. But I have a destiny in this realm. Specifically, in the kitchen.

…And it’s all from the same series.

Called ‘Impressions.’

Not that I call myself an impressionist, per se.

I hope so.

I still need… you know, my breakthrough, or whatever. Woman leaves, Roy enters Hey, babe, how are you?

Good. Alright I brought my brother, huh?

Hey, Kenny.

How ’bout this, huh? I show up with my brother, and, no one from work is here? That’s… pretty cool, huh?

Magic time. Gyeeeaahhh! puts bag over Meredith’s head

Ahh! Ahh! Ahh! Get off! Get off me! Get off me!

Hold still, woman!

Get off me! Get it off! Ahhhh!

…captures bat in bag … You’re welcome.

It’s cool if I go, right? I mean, I looked at all of them.

Yeah, I’ll just, I’ll drive myself home.

To my place?

Maybe, I’m a little tired.

Your art.. was the prettiest art of… all art.

Thank you.

Look, I’m sorry, okay? I was just trying to do my presentation, and… of course, I was wrong to suggest that Dunder-Mifflin might ever go out of business. But you don’t have to fire me.

Fire you? No, no no. You are moving… to the annex.

To the annex? Where… Kelly is?

A good manager doesn’t fire people. He hires people and inspires people. … People, Ryan. And people will never go out of business.

You’re the one who said we needed more culture.

This is culture to you?

It’s her first try.

Yeah, on Van Gogh’s first try, he drew the hands of the peasants.

Meaning what?

Meaning, real art takes courage, okay? And honesty.

Well, those aren’t Pam’s strong points.

Yeah, exactly. That’s why this is… motel art.

Pam-casso! Sorry I’m late, I had to race across town.

Oh, Michael.

Wow! You did these… freehand?

Yep.

My God, these could be tracings! Ohh! Look at this one. Wow! You nailed it. sighs … How much?

What do you mean?

I don’t see a… price.

Um… you wanna buy it?

Well, yeah. Yeah, we have to have it for the office. I mean, there’s my… window, and there’s my car! That your car?

Uh-huh.

That is our building… and we sell paper. … I am really proud of you.

hugs Michael … Thank you.

What?

Do you have something in your pocket?

…Chunky. Do you want half?

No thank you.

Okay.

It is… a message. It is an inspiration, it is… a source of beauty. And without paper, it could not have happened. Unless, you had a camera.

Oh my God, oh my God, oh my God, oh my God, oh my God, oh my God, oh my God, oh my God, oh my God, oh my God, oh my God, oh my God, oh my God…

It’s only temporary, okay? Don’t get excited.

I won’t, I won’t, I won’t, I won’t, I won’t, I won’t, I won’t, I won’t, I won’t, I won’t, I won’t, I won’t…