The Fight - The Office (Season 2, Episode 6)

Original Air Date: November 1, 2005

This episode starts out with a classic prank of Jim's. He has put Dwight's entire desk in the Men's bathroom. Extremely upset by this, Dwight calls his Sensei. Dwight himself is a Sen Pai, assistant to the Sensei.

Today is what Pam calls the "perfect storm". It's the day all of Michael's work overlaps and he has to sign a truck load of paperwork. The employees usually have to work late on this day because Michael procrastinates.

As a way to procrastinate, Michael assigns Ryan to go around and update everyones Emergency Contact Information. While trying to do so, Michael continually prank calls Ryan's cellphone.

Mocking Dwight, Jim asks Dwight to pick someone in the office he could beat up, just then Michael passes. Dwight claims he won't fight Michael because they are friends and Michael claims he can beat up Dwight. Michael puts Dwight in a sleeper hold to assert his dominance and then asks Jim to punch him the stomach. Jim declines and manipulates an argument between Michael and Dwight. Angered, when Michael tells Dwight to punch him the stomach, Dwight levels him.

Jim and Pam continue to escalate Michael's sence of physical inferiority. Michael challenges Dwight to a rematch. Dwight accepts and Michael immediately tried to back out.

Jim reflects to the camera that the Albany branch is working through lunch to avoid downsizing while Michael has extended theirs by an hour so they can go watch him fight Dwight.

The fight takes place at Dwight dojo and the Sensei goes over the rules. The fight is priceless and must be seen. Let's just say this, at the end of the fight, Dwight tries to spit in Michael's mouth. Michael is the winner.

Upset with the outcome of the fight, Dwight removes Michael as his emergency contact.

It's after 6pm and Michael is still procrastinating. When the staff, who is still there, jump on him, he requests help and everyone forges Michael's signature to get the work done. Teamwork.

Best Funny Quotes From The Office - The Fight

Photo of Dwight Schrute
Where is my desk?
That is weird.
Photo of Jim Halpert
Photo of Dwight Schrute
This is not funny. This is totally unprofessional.
Ok, well, you’re the one who lost the desk.
Photo of Jim Halpert
Photo of Dwight Schrute
I didn’t lose my desk.
Okay, calm down. Where was the last place you saw it?
Photo of Jim Halpert
Photo of Dwight Schrute
Okay, who moved my desk?
I think you should retrace your steps.
Photo of Jim Halpert
Photo of Dwight Schrute
Ok, I am going to tell Michael and this entire office will be punished!
Colder… warmer… little warmer… there you go, ooh, warmer… warmer… warmer… warmer… warmer … cold, cold, cold, back up… ooh, ooh, warmer, hot, red hot, hot, very hot.
Photo of Jim Halpert
Photo of Dwight Schrute
In bathroom, answers phone Dwight Schrute.
On the phone with Dwight Hi, Dwight, um, what sort of discounts are we giving on the 20 lb white model.
Photo of Jim Halpert
Photo of Dwight Schrute
Jim, I’ve given you this information, like, twenty times.
I know.
Photo of Jim Halpert
Photo of Dwight Schrute
It’s by the ream?
Uh, yeah, ream.
Photo of Jim Halpert
Photo of Dwight Schrute
…now, $9.78, signs and discounts 7%.
Ok, thank you, gotta get back to work.
Photo of Jim Halpert
Photo of Dwight Schrute
Wash your hands, Kevin.

On the phone Right, oh let me just check the pricing list. Hold on one second…
Photo of Jim Halpert
Photo of Dwight Schrute
Also on the phone Sensei, hello it’s Sempai…
Umm…
Photo of Jim Halpert
Photo of Dwight Schrute
Dwight…
You know what, let me give you a call right back. I’m going to uh, find it and then I’ll call you back, thanks.
Photo of Jim Halpert
Photo of Dwight Schrute
Yes, I just had a ques-… Yes Sensei. Arigatou gozaimashita. Hai.
Was that your mom?
Photo of Jim Halpert
Photo of Dwight Schrute
No, that was my Sensei.
Oh, I thought it was your mom.
Photo of Jim Halpert
Photo of Dwight Schrute
I am now Sempai, which is Assistant Sensei.
Assistant to the Sensei, that’s pretty cool.
Photo of Jim Halpert
Photo of Dwight Schrute
Assistant Sensei.
Ok.
Photo of Jim Halpert

Photo of Dwight Schrute
I am a practitioner of Goju Ru Karate, here in Scranton. My Sensei, Ira, recently promoted me to purple belt, and gave me the duties of a Sempai. Not that a lot of people here in America know what a Sempai is, but it is equally as respected as a Sensei.

I don’t want to stay until seven again this year.
Photo of Stanley Hudson
Photo of Pam Beesley
I don’t really have any control over that Stanley.

Michael tends to procrastinate a bit whenever he has to do work. Umm, time cards, he has to sign these every Friday. Purchase orders have to be approved at the end of every month. And expense reports, all he has to do is initial these at the end of every quarter. But once a year, it all falls on the same Friday and that’s today. I call it the Perfect Storm.
Photo of Pam Beesley

Photo of Michael Scott
singing and tapping on his coffee mug I don’t want to work, I just want to bang on this mug all day.
Did you ask me here for any specific reason?
Photo of Ryan
Photo of Michael Scott
Uhh, yes, I did, here’s the dizzle. I have a very top secret mission for you. I want you to update all the emergency contact information.
Why is that secret? Pam knocks and walks into Michael’s office
Photo of Ryan
Photo of Michael Scott
to Pam Hello, oh God, busy work. Ahh, get away, cretin.
Umm, I put stickers so you know where to sign.
Photo of Pam Beesley
Photo of Michael Scott
Yes, thank you. I know where to sign.
It’s just last year you…
Photo of Pam Beesley
Photo of Michael Scott
Last year they were out of order, weren’t they Pam?
Well, the last pick-up for overnight deliveries is at seven. So you need to have them signed by then. Or much earlier.
Photo of Pam Beesley
Photo of Michael Scott
Chillax, Pam. Stop Pam-M-S-ing. That’s pretty good. Um, actually, I’m sending Ryan on a top secret mission. Tell her what it is.
Updating emergency contacts.
Photo of Ryan
Photo of Pam Beesley
Well, is that really a priority?
Is it a priority? Oh I don’t know, um, what if there is a tornado, Pam? People’s legs are crushed under rubble. “Please, would you be so kind as to call my wife? No, I can’t because we don’t have any emergency contact information because Pam said it wasn’t a priority.” Think. Think with your head, Pam. Ok, well. She walks out. That’s the problem with being a boss is that when you are tough they resent you and when you are cool they walk all over you.
Photo of Michael Scott
Photo of Ryan
Catch-22.
Catch-22. Yes. Why don’t you give me your contact information to start with, ok, what’s your cell?
Photo of Michael Scott

Photo of Jim Halpert
Uh, Larissa Halpert.
What’s her address? Ryan’s cell phone rings
Photo of Ryan
Photo of Jim Halpert
117 Mount Bergin St.
Hello?
Photo of Ryan
Photo of Michael Scott
in his office on his cell phone, talking in a fake high voice Hey Ryan. This is Michael Jackson calling from Wonderland.
Do you mean Neverland?
Photo of Ryan
Photo of Michael Scott
This is Tito.
What?
Photo of Ryan
Photo of Michael Scott
Calling from… Ryan hangs up

Reading Jim’s palm You’re major and minor lines cross at a ridge – that sucks.
Photo of Pam Beesley
Photo of Jim Halpert
You making this up as you go along, aren’t you?
I am just following the website.
Photo of Pam Beesley
Photo of Jim Halpert
Well, at least I don’t have cavities.
Yes, you have very nice teeth.
Photo of Pam Beesley
Photo of Jim Halpert
Thanks.

Who is your emergency contact? Ryan’s phone rings
Photo of Ryan
Photo of Kevin Malone
Stacy.
looks to see who is calling but doesn’t pick up
Photo of Ryan
Photo of Michael Scott
Taps on the glass in his office to get Ryan’s attention Pick up.
Hello?
Photo of Ryan
Photo of Michael Scott
in a high pitched voice This is Mike Tyson.

Hey, Dwight. As Sempai, do you think there is ever going to be a day where humans and robots can peacefully co-exist?
Photo of Jim Halpert
Photo of Dwight Schrute
Impossible. The way they’re programmed… You’re mocking me.
No I’m not.
Photo of Jim Halpert
Photo of Dwight Schrute
Look, I’m going to offer you a little piece of advice. I’m not afraid to make an example out of you.
Oh, that’s not advice. What advice sounds like is this: umm, don’t ever bring your purple belt to work because someone might steal it. reveals Dwight’s purple belt
Photo of Jim Halpert
Photo of Dwight Schrute
Ok, give that back to me.
Ok, say please.
Photo of Jim Halpert
Photo of Dwight Schrute
No. That is not a toy.
Please?
Photo of Jim Halpert
Photo of Dwight Schrute
Please?
Good, and it absolutely is a toy. Arigatou.
Photo of Jim Halpert
Photo of Dwight Schrute
Arigatou. This is not a toy. This is a message to the entire office so they can see that I am capable of physically dominating them.

And this is more a ying-yang thing. The ‘Michael’ all cursive, the ‘Scott’ all caps. Left brain, right brain. Or, duality of man.
Photo of Michael Scott
Photo of Pam Beesley
Could you practice on the forms?

No women or children, unless provoked.
Photo of Dwight Schrute
Photo of Jim Halpert
Ok, Roy?
Warehouse guy. Doesn’t count.
Photo of Dwight Schrute
Photo of Jim Halpert
Ok. Michael? Could you beat up Michael?
Yeah, yeah, I don’t think that would happen.
Photo of Michael Scott
Photo of Dwight Schrute
Because we’re friends.
Because I would kick his ass.
Photo of Michael Scott
Photo of Jim Halpert
Well, Dwight’s a purple belt, so…
So? I’ve beaten up black belts.
Photo of Michael Scott
Photo of Jim Halpert
Uh, how did you know they were black belts?
They told me. After. You see, I used to run with a very tough crowd. Street Fighter types. Real, real bad people, I’m just lucky I got out.
Photo of Michael Scott

Photo of Ryan
Is your wife still your contact?
Um, ex-wife. Yeah. Um, her last name is ‘Becker’ now.
Photo of Toby Flenderson
Photo of Ryan
‘Kay.
You don’t need to write ‘ex’.
Photo of Toby Flenderson

Photo of Michael Scott
And after that, nobody ever messed with the ‘Damn Rascals’ ever again.
Sounds tough. When you’re a Jet, starts snapping you’re a Jet all the way, right?
Photo of Jim Halpert
Photo of Michael Scott
You were a Jet?
Have you signed the expense reports yet?
Photo of Angela Martin
Photo of Michael Scott
Yes, in theory, I have. I just need to cross some t’s and dot some i’s. Alright, I’m going to be in my office if anybody needs me. Puts Dwight in a headlock Hoo-hah. Oh, wow, sleeper hold. That’s my rebuttal. Shhh. Hoo. You are the weakest link.
Argggg!
Photo of Dwight Schrute

Photo of Michael Scott
I’m friends with everybody in this office. We’re all best friends – I love everybody here. But sometimes your best friends start coming into work late, and start having dentist appointments that aren’t dentist appointments. And that’s when it is nice to let them know that you can beat them up.

Just hit me. You’ll see.
Photo of Michael Scott
Photo of Jim Halpert
I can’t. I just got a manicure.
Oh, queer… realizes he is on camera eye. Queer eye. That’s a good show. Important show. Go ahead. Do it.
Photo of Michael Scott
Photo of Jim Halpert
Just have Dwight punch you.
Oh yeah, that would be kind of worthless because I know a ton of fourteen year old girls who can kick his ass.
Photo of Michael Scott
Photo of Jim Halpert
You know a ton of fourteen year old girls?
What belt are they?
Photo of Dwight Schrute
Photo of Michael Scott
Look, Dwight is a wuss. When we rented ‘Armageddon’…
No!
Photo of Dwight Schrute
Photo of Michael Scott
… he cried at the end of it. He did.
Michael, I told you, it was because it was New Year’s Eve and it began to snow at exactly midnight.
Photo of Dwight Schrute
Photo of Michael Scott
Oh, Bruce Willis. Are they going to leave him on the asteroid?
Ok, I’ll punch you.
Photo of Dwight Schrute
Photo of Michael Scott
Ok, here we go. Alright, come on.
Kiyah!
Photo of Dwight Schrute
Photo of Michael Scott
Fuuuaaaahhhhh… oohhhhh!

Did I want to harm Michael? The one man I’ve been hired to protect? No, I did not.
Photo of Dwight Schrute

Photo of Jim Halpert
Are you ok? Are you sure you are alright?
Yeah. Jim opens office door for Michael Thank you.
Photo of Michael Scott

Photo of Dwight Schrute
I come from a long line of fighters. My maternal grandfather was the toughest guy I ever knew. World War II veteran. Killed 20 men then spent the rest of the war in an Allied Prison Camp. My father battled blood pressure and obesity all his life. Different kind of fight.

Ok, he has to be stopped. Please, please, please, please, just ask Michael.
Photo of Jim Halpert
Photo of Pam Beesley
I don’t know.
Ok, I’ll buy you a bag of chips.
Photo of Jim Halpert
Photo of Pam Beesley
French Onion?
Obviously.
Photo of Jim Halpert
Photo of Pam Beesley
Ok.
Yes.
Photo of Jim Halpert
Photo of Dwight Schrute
to Kevin, who he is teaching to fight Take this pen and stab me with it.
Pam knocks on his door Go away.
Photo of Michael Scott
Photo of Pam Beesley
I just have a quick question.
I haven’t signed them, ok?
Photo of Michael Scott
Photo of Pam Beesley
No, it’s not that. Um, I was just wondering, since I’m probably going to have to stay late, could you ask Dwight to stay late too so he can walk me to my car?
Come in. Um, Pam, I hate to break this to you but Dwight can’t stop you from being mugged. He’s just not tough enough.
Photo of Michael Scott
Photo of Pam Beesley
He’s a purple belt. That’s really high.
Oh, I could beat up Dwight. That’s ridiculous. I could murder him.
Photo of Michael Scott
Photo of Pam Beesley
It’s just out there, you…
Oh, so that’s what they are saying?
Photo of Michael Scott
Photo of Pam Beesley
Yeah.
Ok, alright, where is Dwight?
Photo of Michael Scott
Photo of Jim Halpert
Uh, Kitchen.
Ok.
Photo of Michael Scott
Photo of Kelly Kapoor
Hi-yah!
Good.
Photo of Dwight Schrute
Photo of Kelly Kapoor
Wow, that’s actually pretty cool Dwight.
Now watch, let me take you from behind.
Photo of Dwight Schrute
Photo of Kelly Kapoor
What?
Watch out Kelly, he might sucker punch you.
Photo of Michael Scott
Photo of Dwight Schrute
I didn’t sucker punch you, Michael.
No, Really?
Photo of Michael Scott
Photo of Dwight Schrute
In case you remember, I was defending my honor… like a samurai.
Really? Well, the offer, Dwight, was for one punch which I absorbed. I had no idea that there would be a second punch. So, catch-22.
Photo of Michael Scott
Photo of Dwight Schrute
Ok, fine. Tit for tit. Give it your best shot. Two punches. Go!
Look, if we were in a bar right now, there would be two punches: me punching you and you hitting the floor.
Photo of Michael Scott
Photo of Dwight Schrute
No, I would block your first punch rendering it ineffective.
Really?
Photo of Michael Scott
Photo of Dwight Schrute
Yeah.
You know what? You’re just lucky that we are at work right now.
Photo of Michael Scott
Photo of Jim Halpert
Ooh, what about, uh, Dwight’s dojo?
No, they must have class.
Photo of Michael Scott
Photo of Dwight Schrute
No, it’s free during the day. It’s fine.
Look…
Photo of Michael Scott
Photo of Dwight Schrute
I’ve got the key.
Michael…
Photo of Toby Flenderson
Photo of Michael Scott
Hey, Toby.
Any word on those time cards?
Photo of Toby Flenderson
Photo of Michael Scott
I’ve got an idea: why don’t you leave right now. Why don’t you walk away from the room, ‘kay? Fine. We’ll go at lunch. Pam, make an announcement. Figure out carpools.

Um, well, we are all getting excited to see this fight. The Albany branch is working right through lunch to prevent downsizing, but Michael, he decided to extend our lunch by an hour so we could all go down to the dojo and watch him fight Dwight. Fight… Fight, fight, fight, fight, fight, fight, I’m coming, fight…
Photo of Jim Halpert

Photo of Michael Scott
I recognize that. That is Japanese for California Roll.
Uh, no, it’s not.
Photo of Ira
Photo of Michael Scott
I think it is. A guy told me about that.
Actually, it’s a symbol for eternal discipline.
Photo of Ira
Photo of Michael Scott
Oh.

Reading Pam’s palm, while she has on extremely padded gloves Wow, that is really interesting.
Photo of Jim Halpert
Photo of Pam Beesley
What?
Your love line- I’m just kidding. I can’t see anything.
Photo of Jim Halpert
Photo of Pam Beesley
Well, look closer.
Jim moves his head closer and Pam taps him gently in the face Oh, ok.
Photo of Jim Halpert
Photo of Pam Beesley
Once point for me.
Gently taps Pam on the forehead Tied up.
Photo of Jim Halpert
Photo of Pam Beesley
Oh, you’re dead.
What, what are you going to do? Bring it, Beesley. Bring it. Oh yeah, good move. Not such an ultimate fighter now.
Photo of Jim Halpert
Photo of Pam Beesley
Hey, put me down. Put me down. Meredith turns and looks at Jim and Pam Oh my god, hey, put me down. Hey…

Ok, gentlemen, listen up. After a clean strike to the chest, stomach, or kidneys, I will separate you and award a point. The first person to three wins. Alright?
Photo of Ira
Photo of Dwight Schrute
Yes, Sensei!
Alotta rules. Alotta rules. On the street we didn’t have any rules. Maybe one – no kicks to the groin, home for dinner.
Photo of Michael Scott
Photo of Ira
Shi mate!
Hiii! kicks Michael
Photo of Dwight Schrute
Photo of Michael Scott
Hey!
Alright, break.
Photo of Ira
Photo of Michael Scott
What the hell was that?
Yes!
Photo of Dwight Schrute
Photo of Ira
Dwight – awarded a point.
No.
Photo of Michael Scott
Photo of Dwight Schrute
Eat it!
Alright, that’s the way you want it.
Photo of Michael Scott
Photo of Dwight Schrute
Two more.
Play dirty, huh? Ok, game on, man.
Photo of Michael Scott
Photo of Kevin Malone
Sweep the leg.
I’m comin’ atcha man. Ok, purple belt, ok. I got him.
Photo of Michael Scott
Photo of Dwight Schrute
No.
I got his pants.
Photo of Michael Scott
Photo of Dwight Schrute
It was my pants.
No points for pants.
Photo of Ira
Photo of Michael Scott
Dwight, you have… No, you have something… God, you look like such an idiot! Lots of yelling and flailing of arms by Michael and Dwight
Clean single kick, gentlemen.
Photo of Ira
Photo of Michael Scott
Go on, I dare you to kick there again. Kick there again, I dare ya.
Ok, break. Break.
Photo of Ira
Photo of Dwight Schrute
No holding.
You can’t see. You can’t see. Good boy. Good boy. Great boy. Two points, three points, four points. I win. I win. Michael is using his head guard to hit Dwight Eight points. Nine points. Begins to hock a loogie
Photo of Michael Scott
Photo of Dwight Schrute
No, stop it! Come on! Michael.
Open your mouth.
Photo of Michael Scott
Photo of Dwight Schrute
No, Michael!

You talkin’ to me? You talkin’ to me? “Raging Bull.” Pacino. Oh, I want that footage. I want it. I need it. Ah, I have to get back to work. I have lots of work… Oh, oh check this out. Come here. Michael opens his blinds and looks at Ryan in the parking lot There he is. Mr. Temp. Having lunch by the car. Let us play with him. This’ll be hilarious. Calls Ryan on the phone, Ryan doesn’t pick up after seeing that Michael is calling Oh, we’re playing phone tag.
Photo of Michael Scott

Ryans Voicemail
Seven new messages. First New Message. Michael’s voice “Hi, Ryan. This is Saddam Hussein.” Next new message. “Hi, Ryan. This is your girlfriend… and I’m mad!”

My emergency contact is Todd Packer. Todd F. Packer. Do you know what the F. stands for?
Photo of Michael Scott
Photo of Ryan
Fudge?
knock at the door Yeah… uh, come in. Oh, hey Karate Kid. The Hillary Swank version. Hi. How are ya?
Photo of Michael Scott
Photo of Dwight Schrute
I need to change my emergency contact information from Michael Scott.
Ok, to what?
Photo of Ryan
Photo of Dwight Schrute
Just put “The Hospital.” Contact number: just put 9-1-1. Dwight leaves
He is such a sore loser. You heard, obviously, that I mopped the floor with him this afternoon. You know what, um, do yourself a favor and just keep me as his contact and I will call the hospital. Cut out the middle man.
Photo of Michael Scott

Photo of Kevin Malone
Later Jim.
Later, Kev. Puts French Onion Potato Chips on Pam’s desk Have a good weekend.
Photo of Jim Halpert
Photo of Pam Beesley
Yeah, you too.

Knock at the door Yeah.
Photo of Michael Scott
Photo of Ryan
I have the emergency contacts.
Yeah, just throw them on the chair. I’ll take it from here. So, whatcha up to this weekend?
Photo of Michael Scott
Photo of Ryan
Uh, hanging out with some friends, probably.
If you’re doing anything crazy, give me a shout.
Photo of Michael Scott
Photo of Ryan
Yeah, alright, I’ll um, see you Monday.
Alright, bye.
Photo of Michael Scott

Photo of Michael Scott
Dwight?
Michael, did you finish yet?
Photo of Angela Martin
Photo of Michael Scott
This close. Dwight, may I speak with you for a minute?
I’m busy.
Photo of Dwight Schrute
Photo of Michael Scott
Well, points at himself busier. Making the time.
Michael, can’t your conversation wait till Monday.
Photo of Stanley Hudson
Photo of Toby Flenderson
We want to go home.
Well, you don’t even have anyone to go home to, Toby.
Photo of Michael Scott
Photo of Pam Beesley
The shipping place closes in a half hour.
I know, but I’ve been carrying the load on my back all day, and if everybody would just chip in a little bit, it’d might help me out. What do you say? Let’s gangbang this thing and go home. Good? Dwight.
Photo of Michael Scott

Photo of Angela Martin
This is illegal.
I don’t care.
Photo of Stanley Hudson

Photo of Michael Scott
I have been testing you the entire day. Did you know that?
Of course.
Photo of Dwight Schrute
Photo of Michael Scott
And I am happy to say that you have passed. So effective immediately I am promoting you from Assistant to the Regional Manager to Assistant Regional Manager.
Michael, I don’t know…
Photo of Dwight Schrute
Photo of Michael Scott
I know, I know, I know, I wouldn’t be offering it if I didn’t think you could handle it.
I can handle it. I can. Wow. So I guess this will just be my office.
Photo of Dwight Schrute
Photo of Michael Scott
No, no, title change only.
I’ll have Pam send out a memo.
Photo of Dwight Schrute
Photo of Michael Scott
No, no. Three month probationary period. Let’s not tell anybody about this right now.
Just a formality.
Photo of Dwight Schrute
Photo of Michael Scott
Absolutely but not really.
Michael, I have so much to learn from you.
Photo of Dwight Schrute
Photo of Michael Scott
Yes you do.
Thank you, Sensei.
Photo of Dwight Schrute
Photo of Michael Scott
And, ditto.

I told Dwight that there is honor in losing. Which, as we all know, is completely ridiculous, but there is, however, honor in making a loser feel better which is what I just did for Dwight. Would I rather be feared or loved? Um, easy. Both. I want people to be afraid of how much they love me. And I think I proved that today at the dojo.
Photo of Michael Scott
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