Sexual Harassment - The Office (Season 2, Episode 2)

The episode starts with Michael being very proud of an e-mail he fowarded, "50 Signs Your Priest Might Be Michael Jackson".

He then wanders to Dwight's desk where Dwight shows him an internet clip of a monkey doing a "sex thing". Dwight asks Michael if he wants the link.

Then enters obnoxious Todd Packer, Michael's BFF. This guy is full of obscene jokes and can't say anything appropriate.

We then learn that the CFO of Dunder-Mifflin resigned because he was having an affair with his secretary and she decided to "blow the whistle on the whole thing just to be a bitch". (Quote from Todd Packer) Jim shares with the camera that he hates Todd Packer. We agree with Jim.

Packer then requests that someone drive him around because of his "DUI situation". Michael happily volunteers Ryan.

Pam is anxiously waiting for her Mom to arrive for her visit.

As Michael goes to Dwight to get the monkey sex link so he can forward it like it's hot, Toby comes in with news for Michael. Due to the CFO sexual harassment scandel, Corporate mandates Toby do a presentation on the company's sexual harassment policy as well as have everyone watch a video.

Michael is visibly upset and it gets worse when he learns the corporate lawyer will be meeting with him about the policy.

After Toby's presentation, Dwight goes to Toby with questions about the female genital area. Note: if you have not seen this scene, please make it a point to catch this on a repeat. Specifically, Dwight would like to know where the clitoris is and what does a vagina look like.

Phyllis eludes that she had a one-night stand with a Dunder-Mifflin employee. She doesn't say who.

Michael is watching the video with the warehouse guys. A red-head comes on screen and Darryl claims he had sex with her at a party. Michael then precedes to say the employee / actress is a hypocrite and shouts it to the office just as Jan and the company lawyer arrive for their meeting.

After a brief meeting with Jan and the lawyer, Michael announces to the group he will no longer be their friend or funny. Jim asks if that included his famous catch phrase "that's what she said". Michael said yes, but Jim immediately gets him to say it, which pisses Jan off.

Pam's Mom arrives for her visit just in time to see Michael throwing out a life size blow up doll.

Jim overhears Pam's Mom asking "Which one is Jim"? in a whisper. This makes Jim smile.

In the end, Michael tries to adhere to the policy but we know it won't last long.

Best Funny Quotes From The Office - Sexual Harassment

clears throat Hey, what’s up?

Hey.

Any emails today?

Um… I don’t think so.

No? Um… Check your spam folder.

Oh! There it is!

What?

Um… ‘Fifty signs your priest might be Michael Jackson.’

laughs uncontrollably

Well done.

Kay.

Topical.

I am king of forwards. It’s how I like to do business, everybody joking around. We’re like ‘Friends’. I am Chandler and Joey and, uh, Pam is Rachel. And Dwight is Kramer.

So the monkey does the sex thing right here! monkey noises in background

That’s funny! That’s funny. Not offensive. Uh… because it’s nature. Educational.

Do you want the link because then you could forward it around?

Um, I…

Consider it?

Yeah… maybe. Maybe. Well, we’ll see. Because I… I don’t know if it’s… muffled by jacket over his head Whup! Come on! Hey!

What has two thumbs and likes to bone your Mom? points at self This guy!

Kay! Oh, you are so bad! Yeah!

makes laser gun noises

Oh, Boom! Bam! Oh, this guy is out of control! He is a madman! Better get the bleep button ready for him.

bleep, bleep. What’s up, Halpert?

Uh oh.

Still queer?

Uh oh! Oh-ho-ho-ho-ho-o!

Todd Packer and I are total BFF. Best Friends Forever. He and I came up together as salesmen. One time, we were out and we met this set of twins. And Packer told them that we were brothers. And so, you know, one thing led to another, and we brought em back to the motel. And then Packer did both of them. It was awesome. So…

Oh-whoa-oh! Oh! Okay. Grade ‘A’ gossip for you, right now. Randall, CFO, resigned. Nobody knows why.

Are you kidding? Everyone knows why! You don’t know? Okay, check this out. Al lright. So here’s the story. So Randall is nailing his secretary, right? And she is totally incompetent.

Really? Here we go! Buckle up. It’s going to be a bumpy one!

We’re talking blonde incompetent.

Oh, yeah.

Like 10 words a minute… talking.

Well, to be fair… blondes, brunettes, you know, there’s a lot of dumb people out there.

They are women, right?

Oh! Wow! I didn’t say it! I didn’t say it!

I said it. And then, suddenly, for no reason, this bimbo blows the whistle on the whole thing just to be a bitch.

Oh, wow! What did I tell you about the bleep button.

Hey, um… what has two thumbs and hates Todd Packer? points at self This guy!

Meant to ask you, can you think you can get someone to drive me around because of the, uh, DUI situation?

Oh. Bad boy. to Ryan Um… Ryan? makes Donald Duck noise

to Ryan Come on, kid. Let’s go.

Ah! Man. That Todd Packer can do anything.

Except pass that breathalyzer.

You a big William Hung fan?

Why does everyone ask me that? Who the hell is that?

I’m really excited to meet your Mom.

You are?

My Mom is coming in to visit. And she lives like two hours away. And she doesn’t have a cell phone… which is cool cause it’s kind of adding some suspense to my day. And I keep looking over at the door hoping she’ll walk in.

I’ve decided to show her around. She really wants to meet everybody.

Oh yeah?

mmhmm.

Good. Cause I have a lot of questions.

Oh really?

Yeah. As a child, did Pam show any traits that would hint towards her future career as a receptionist?

Hey, send me that link to the monkey sex video. I’m going to forward it like it’s hot.

Yes!

Forward it like it’s hot. Forward it like it’s hot. “Old School”.

Michael?

Yes, Toby?

Um… I need to talk to you in your office. It’ll just take two seconds.

Um… literally two seconds?

Toby is in HR which technically means he works for Corporate. So he’s really not a part of our family. Also he’s divorced so he’s really not a part of his family.

The full story is that Randall resigned because of sexual harassment. So Corporate asked me to do a five minute review of the Company Sexual Harassment policy.

No, no, Toby. No.

It’s really not a big deal, Michael.

It is a big deal. It’s a big deal! What are we supposed to do? Scrutinize every little thing we say and do all day? I mean, come on!

And then Corporate is going to send in a lawyer…

What?

Just to refresh you… .

NO!

on our policy.

What? He! No! Okay, what is a lawyer going to come in and tell us? To not send out hilarious emails or not tell jokes?

Maybe not some of them. Maybe not inappropriate ones.

There is no such thing as an appropriate joke. That’s why it’s a joke.

Everyone! Hello! Everyone. Hi! Sorry to interrupt. I know you’re all busy and the last thing you want is for a major interruption. But Toby has an announcement that he insists on making right now in the middle of the day. to Toby So, take it away.

Yeah, okay. Corporate would like us to do a five minute review of the Company Sexual Harassment policy so I’ll go over that later.

I wish you luck, Toby. I really do. But you are going to have a mutiny on your hands and I just can’t wait to see how you handle it.

A guy goes to a five dollar… lady of the night and he gets crabs. So, the next day he goes back to complain. And the woman says “Hey. It was only five dollars. What did you expect? Lobster?” This is what’s at stake.

Time to bring out the big guns. I’m heading down to the warehouse where jokes are born. Find a killer joke that’ll just blow everybody away at the seminar later. And remind them what is great about this place. So… ah! Here they are. to Warehouse guys Guys! Wondering if I could, uh, get your help for something. I’m looking for a new joke to tell and it needs to be just killer. And it does not need to be clean. So whatcha got?

Like a joke? A knock-knock joke?

Um, yeah, no, well… I mean better. Better than that. The type of stuff you guys tell all day.

Well, points at Michael those are some awful tight pants you have on. Where’d you get em? Like Queers R Us?

Boys R Us!

Alright, alright. Well, yeah, but, you know… a joke but not necessarily at my expense.

Man, we can see all your business coming around the corner, okay? You need to, you know, hide the… good thing you don’t have a lot of business to start with.

Oooh, okay. That was still about me.

Hey, hey, hey.

What?

So you don’t have the biggest package. Don’t feel bad.

I don’t feel bad.

fake whispers to Roy I think he feels bad.

No, I don’t.

You look like you feel bad.

Okay.

Little package!

Well, not exactly what I was looking for but thanks guys.

Thank you.

You look good.

Hiding from his momma.

So remember, intent is irrelevant. And that’s it. Pam?

Um… I just wanted to say that… Just, my Mom’s coming in today.

MILF!

Thanks, Kevin.

Usually the day we talk about sexual harassment is the day that everyone harasses me as a joke.

She’s coming in today and maybe just don’t joke around about that stuff in front of her.

Great point.

Thank you.

Um… in fact, basic rule of thumb, let’s just act everyday like Pam’s Mom’s coming in. All right. That’s it. Um… if anybody has any questions about anything, you know where I sit in the back.

Hi, is it over?

Uh, yes!

No.

I can go over it with you.

I know, I know. It’s good. It is not over. It is not over til it’s over.

It’s over.

Did he tell you everything? Obviously, he didn’t because you all still look relatively happy. Albeit bored. Do you realize what we’re losing? Seriously?

Email forwards.

Exactly! Mmwwah blows kiss to Angela! Can we afford to lose email forwards? Do we want that?

I hate them. You send me these filthy emails and you say forward them to ten people or you’ll have bad luck.

Give me a break. Umm… Stanley, how about that hot picture you have by your desk? Centerfold in the Catholic schoolgirl’s outfit? I mean, it is hot, it is sexy, and it turns him on. And I will admit, best part of my morning is staring at it. But what? Are we just going to take it away?

That is my daughter. She goes to Catholic girls’ school. I am taking it down right now.

Um… what about office romance?

Office relationships are never a good idea. Yeah. So let’s just try to avoid them. But, um, if you already have one, you should disclose it to HR.

All relationships? Eh, even a one-night stand?

I think the old honor system was just fine. For example, I have never slept with an employee. And, believe me, I could have.

Yeah, Meredith.

No! No! Catherine. Remember her? Remember how hot she was?

Yes.

She would have definitely slept with me.

She wasn’t that hot.

Yes, she was. Dammit, Kevin!

Ok, you know, Michael…

I’m in an office relationship. It’s special. Um… she’s nice. She’s shy. She’s actually here. You want to meet her? Hold on one second. Oh, my God! Put on a shirt! Put on a… . I told you that you’d be on camera. I’m sorry, she’s European. No, I told you that you’d be on camera. Stop it.

What if Pam was a lesbian? What if she brought her “partner” in to work? to Toby Would that be crossing the line?

No.

What if they made out? In front of everybody?

Well, that would be…

At home? And I told everybody everything about it.

Okay, I’m lost.

Okay. Well, then let’s act it out. Pam, you will be girl A and girl B will be… Okay! We’ll use the doll. Pam. Pam?

I wish Todd Packer was here because he would love this. I wonder if anybody else would like to do this. Hey! Um… we have to watch, uh, Toby’s video that he’s showing us in order to brainwash us and I was wondering if anybody would like to join in? Going to be fun. Got my great pizza. Whataya say? Jim?

No, thanks. I’m good.

That’s what she said. Pam?

Uh… my mother’s coming.

That’s what she sai clears throat Nope, but… Okay. Well, suit yourself.

Hey, Toby.

Hey Dwight.

You said that we could come to you if we had any questions.

Sure.

Where is the clitoris? On a website, it said at the crest of the labia. What does that mean? What does the female vagina look like?

Technically, I am in Human Resources. And Dwight was asking about human anatomy. Um… I’m just sad the public school system failed him so badly.

Yeah, maybe when you get really comfortable with each other, you can ask for that.

Good. Good. And…

I should get back to work.

Okay.

Natural redhead.

Oh, Mi… ! Hey, stop the video! Michael, stop it right there! Stop it right there! That’s that girl from that thing. pointing at Redheaded Actress I banged this girl right here. This is…

That’s her?

Yes, this is the one.

No!

You remember? Yes!

At the party?

Yes! to video screen Right here. You are a naughty girl!

Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa… Okay! Hypocrite! She is a hypocrite. That is such a scam! Okay.

to cell phone Yes. Yes, I did. Okay. Well, we can talk about that later then. to Pam Hi.

Okay, you are never going to believe this. The girl in the video we’re watching that Corporate gave us… Darryl banged her! Aaand is about 90% sure.

Don’t ever let this little bitch drive you around town. We got, uh, lost for half an hour.

I don’t have any DUI’s so I can drive myself, but thanks.

Where is Michael Snot? Sniffing some dude’s thong? Probably.

So you are the lawyer, Mr. O’Malley? I know a lot of lawyer jokes.

Well, it’s probably because you don’t get ’em.

When I said before that I was king of forwards, you got to understand that I don’t come up with this stuff. I just forward it along. You wouldn’t arrest a guy who’s just delivering drugs from one guy to another.

You seem a little bit agitated, Michael. What’s the problem?

The problem is that I am the boss and apparently I can’t say anything.

Well, that… that’s true in a way. You can’t say anything.

Where’s the line? Where’s the line, Jan.

Do you need to see the video again, Michael?

No, I’ve seen the video.

to Jan He talked the whole time.

No, I didn’t. to Jan Huh, what? everyone looks up at blow-up doll

Attention, everyone! Hello! Ah, yes! I just want you to know that, uh, this is not my decision, but from here on out… we can no longer be friends. And when we talk about things here we must only discuss work-associated things. And, uh, you can consider this my retirement from comedy. And in the future, if I want to say something funny or witty or do an impression, I will no longer, ever, do any of those things.

Does that include ‘That’s What She Said’?

Mmmhmm. Yes.

Wow! That is really hard. You really think you can go all day long? Well, you always left me satisfied and smiling, so…

THAT’S WHAT SHE SAID!

Michael. MICHAEL!

laughing Come on.

Michael, please.

There he is.

Mwah! kisses hand and salutes office

There he is. Good one.

You would have done the same. You just didn’t think of it first.

Mike… Michael. Please. I… I… really.

It’s… That’s…

That’s not my sense of humor.

Okay. to man entering office Hello. introduces Jan. Mr. O’Malley. This is my lawyer, James P. Albiny.

Wha…

I believe you may recognize his face from the billboards. He specializes in Free Speech issues.

This guy does it all.

to Albiny ‘Scuse me, I’m sorry. to Michael Michael. Mr. O’Malley is your lawyer.

What?

Mr. O’Malley is our Corporate lawyer. We have him on retainer. To protect the company as well as upper level management, such as yourself.

So I’m not in trouble?

I am so used to being the bad boy. I am so used to fighting Corporate that I forget that I am Corporate. Upper management. They hooked me up with an attorney. To protect me. You can’t be too careful about what you say. Mo’ money, mo’ problems.

Okay. Well, let’s get you out of here, James. Um… I think we’re under an hour still, so…

I know. We’ll talk about it later. Thanks for coming in.

Um… hello.

ecstatic Oh my god!

Finally made it!

Hello!

I love my Mom. Okay. That’s probably really the most obvious statement ever.

So a guy goes home, tells his wife, “Honey. Pack your bags. I just won the lottery.” She goes, “Oh my god! That’s incredible! Where are we going?” He goes, “I don’t know where you’re going, just be out of here by five!” men laugh Boom!

This is where I used to keep my computer.

Oh, right! I remember…

But then I moved it.

with the picture.

Yeah, yeah, but I uh… I switched stuff around because I actually needed like more room for organization. So…

Sure.

So this is like, um, an organization station…

to Roy Oooooh!

Hey!

Well, there he is!

How are ya?

Hi, handsome!

You look great!

Oh, thank you! So! We ready for dinner?

Well, you know… actually, I kind of need to stall a bit. But, it’s okay, because I am very used to killing time.

Oh, I don’t believe that.

Okay, I’m going to go wait in the parking lot. And what kind of tunes you want for the ride? Little, uh, classical? Or oldies?

Oh, anything is fine.

All right, I’ll see ya.

So which one is Jim?

Mom!

I just wanted to know.

No.

All right. Okay.

Ten minutes.

Okay.

Then we can go to dinner.

I’ll make myself busy.

There’s this guy. He’s at a Nymphomaniac Convention. And he is psyched ’cause all these women are smokin’ hot perfect 10’s, except for this one chick who looks a lot like, uh… points at Phyllis

Phyllis?

No. No, no, no. That crosses the line.

Ex-squeeze me?

Not you. Kevin. Just unwarranted. Hostile work environment, Kevin.

Packer said it.

No. You said it. He pointed. A point is not a say. Look. Kevin, we are a family here and Phyllis is a valued member of that family. Like a grandmother.

I’m the same age as you, Michael.

I don’t know about that.

We’re in the same High School class.

Well, I have a late birthday and usually September’s a cut-off point. to Kevin You know what? You just crossed the line. Okay? There’s a line and you went over it. And you must be punished. So go to your corner.

You mean where my desk is?

Yes, your corner. Go.

Okay. I have a lot of work to do anyway.

Mmmhmmm.

Oh my. They really got to you, didn’t they?

They didn’t get to me. I got to them. I am still the same old Michael Scott. New and improved. You know what? I love Phyllis. You know what else? I think she is gorgeous. I think she is incredibly, incredibly attractive person. to Phyllis C’mere, c’mere, c’mon! Come on! Come on.

Michael! Come on!

Oooh!

You don’t have to worry. I’m not going to…

I’m not worried.

…report you to HR.

You know what? The only thing I’m worried about… is getting a boner. Good work today, everybody.

Times have changed a little. And even though we’re still a family here at Dunder-Mifflin, families grow. And at some point, the daddy can’t take a bath with the kids anymore. I am Upper Management. And it would be inappropriate for me to take a bath with Pam. As much as I might want to.

He said what?