Dwight's Speech - The Office (Season 2, Episode 17)

Original Air Date: March 2, 2006

Dwight has earned salesman of the year at Dunder-Mifflin. He will be honored at a salesman convention and he wins some money. He also has to give a big speech at the convention.

Dwight, to Jim's annoyance, surfs the internet to find things to buy with his prize money.

In the breakroom, Pam and Jim are fussing about Dwight. Phyllis walks in and asks about the wedding preparations. Not wanting to hear about Pam's wedding any longer, Jim leaves.

Michael asks Dwight if he's ready for his big speech. Dwight, until now, did not realize what a big deal this was and how important this speech is. He's concerned and asks Michael for help. Michael tells him to be funny because salesmen want to be entertained.

Michael considers himself a pro on making this speech at the convention because he was the saleman of the year, 2 years in a row.

As Pam continues to make wedding arrangements, Jim in disgust, picks up the phone and calls a travel agent. He wants to be anywhere but here.

Although Michael can't teach Dwight everything, he can teach him enough not to embarrass Michael. So he goes to train Dwight in the conference room on public speaking. Michael starts out his training by giving an example of any opening joke.

Michael: What is the difference between a salesman and a saleswoman?
Dwight: A saleswoman has a vagina.
Michael: It's a joke, Dwight. It's not sex ed class.
Dwight: But I'm right?
Michael: Yeah. You're right about the difference between a man and a woman, but not about the punchline of the joke alright. The difference between a salesman and a saleswoman is boobs.

After much practice, Dwight is just not getting it and is close to tears. Back at his desk, Jim asks Dwight for ideas on where to go on his trip. Dwight snaps at Jim and an annoyed Jim tells Dwight he majored in Public Speaking in college. Dwight is now interested. Jim explains to Dwight that he is a man of authority and to be true to himself. The great speakers in history weren't joketellers, they were passionate about what they knew. They also waved their arms and pounded their fists a lot. Dwight should replicate that too.

In his interview, Jim tells the camera that in fact he did not major in Public Speaking. He did however download a bunch of speeches from famous dictators in History (even one from Mussollini). He has given Dwight the speeches.

Dwight is scared to death as he and Michael sign in at the convention. The room where Dwight will give his speech is huge and there are several hundred salespeople filling it up.

Back at the office, Angela claims she has suddenly come down with something and will be taking a sick day. Kevin has never seen her take a sick day. (She's going to watch Dwight's speech!)

At the convention, Dwight is introduced but cannot make himself budge from his chair. To cover, Michael gets up to the podium and tells the audience some things about Dwight. He is really not a good public speaker. The crowd is not at all interested. Bombing awfully, Dwight gets up and goes to the podium to give his speech.

Dwight begins by banging his fists on the podium.

Dwight's Speech:Blood alone moves the wheels of history! Have you ever asked yourselves in an hour of meditation, which everyone finds during the day, how long we have been striving for greatness? Not only the years we’ve been at war … the war of work. But from the moment, as a child, we realized that the world could be conquered. It has been a lifetime struggle, a never-ending fight, I say to you. And you will understand that it is a privilege to fight! We are warriors! Salesmen of Northeastern Pennsylvania, I ask you, once more rise and be worthy of this historical hour! Maniacal laughter Yes! Yes!
No revolution is worth anything unless it can defend itself! Some people will tell you “salesman” is a bad word. They’ll conjure up images of used car dealers and door-to-door charlatans. This is our duty to change their perception. I say, salesmen … and women … of the world, unite! We must never acquiesce, for it is together, together, that we prevail! We must never cede control of the motherland for it is…
Audience: Together that we prevail!

The audience gives him a standing ovation. Dwight was a big hit. As he leaves the room, all the people in the audience are congratulating him and shaking his hand.

At the office, Jim is leaving for the day. On his way out he breaks the news to Pam that he is taking a trip and leaving June 8th. (Her wedding is on the 10th) He apologizes and she says it's okay.

Best Funny Quotes From The Office - Dwight's Speech

Let’s think this through. If we ask Corporate for that then…
Photo of Michael Scott
Photo of Dwight Schrute
They are either going to say yes… or no.
Could go either way. We don’t know what they are going to say.
Photo of Michael Scott
Photo of Dwight Schrute
Think it through.
Have to think it through. Because if they say no…
Photo of Michael Scott
Photo of Jim Halpert
Can we not?
No! Yes, we have to! You know why? Because I don’t like to be cooped up in that office! In that box! All day long. Michael starts playing with a football in the office Heisman! Because I need to think. Okay, Jim? Oh, Kevin, oh! laughs Nice catch. Mmmm, mmm, mmm,mmm. Os-car! Intercepted.
Photo of Michael Scott
Photo of Jim Halpert
Still want that.
Give it to me. Phyllis, give me the ball. Ok, give me the ball. Give me, you guys… Creed give me the ball! Right now give it to me.
Photo of Michael Scott
Photo of Creed Bratton
Ryan!
Fumble! Yaaah!
Photo of Dwight Schrute
Photo of Michael Scott
Hey, Dwight.
Hut! Hut! Hut! Hike!
Photo of Dwight Schrute
Photo of Michael Scott
You all right Ryan?
Ryan.
Photo of Dwight Schrute
Photo of Ryan
Yeah.
Pam!
Photo of Michael Scott

Photo of Dwight Schrute
Ooh. They’re having a sale on TiVo. Maybe I should get a TiVo. Oh. DVD Burner! Maybe I should get one of those. You are so lucky, Jim. You are so lucky you don’t have this problem. What was the 9th place prize again? A loaf of bread?
Cugino’s pizza.
Photo of Jim Halpert
Photo of Dwight Schrute
Oh, great. Tasty, terrific pizza. Hmm. Question: Do their pizzas play DVDs?

Dwight was the top salesman of the year at our company. He wins a little prize money and gets honored at some convention. It is literally the highest possible honor that a Northeastern Pennsylvania-Based Mid-size Paper Company Regional Salesman can attain, so…
Photo of Jim Halpert

Photo of Jim Halpert
What did I do to deserve this?
Are you sad that Dwight beat you?
Photo of Pam Beesley
Photo of Jim Halpert
No.
Are you going to cry, Jim? Do you need a tissue?
Photo of Pam Beesley
Photo of Phyllis
Hey, I heard you got a wedding dress. Do you have pictures?
Oh! I… uh… yeah. Um… I’ll uh show them to you later.
Photo of Pam Beesley
Photo of Phyllis
Oh.
Oh, I should get back. Talk to you guys later.
Photo of Jim Halpert
Photo of Pam Beesley
Ok, cool.

I have a ton of stuff to do for the wedding. And I have to do it in the office. And that can be kind of awkward. Um… just because people can get all weird about wedding stuff. Then… I just… I don’t want to offend… Angela… or someone.
Photo of Pam Beesley

Photo of Michael Scott
That’s what she said!
Ha! I don’t get it.
Photo of Dwight Schrute
Photo of Michael Scott
Grapes. Seductive. So you ready for the big speech this afternoon?
Well, it’s not really a big speech. You still coming right?
Photo of Dwight Schrute
Photo of Michael Scott
Oh! Abso-fruit-ly. Fruit. Grapes. Nailed the joke. Matter of time. Um… And yes, it is a big speech. Biggest of your life.

Speaker at the Sales Convention. Been there, done that. Went there again, did it again. Two years in a row. Consecutive. I just… I miss the feeling of knowing that you did a good job because someone gives you proof of it. Sir, you’re awesome! Here’s a plaque. What, a whole year has gone by and you need more proof? Here’s a certificate. They stopped making plaques that year.
Photo of Michael Scott

Photo of Dwight Schrute
What if I give a really long, extended Thank You. For instance, “Thank you, Mr. Blank. Thank you very, very, very…”
That would look terrible. These are mostly salesmen and salesmen expect to be entertained and you are the main act.
Photo of Michael Scott

Photo of Dwight Schrute
When I was in the sixth grade, I was a finalist in our school Spelling Bee. It was me against Raj Patel. And I misspelled, in front of the entire school, the word ‘failure’.

I can’t do this.
Photo of Dwight Schrute
Photo of Michael Scott
That’s because you’re incapable of doing it because you don’t know how. Because you have no skills. Dwight, there’s no way I can possibly teach you what you need to know about public speaking by speech time.
Oh, okay.
Photo of Dwight Schrute
Photo of Michael Scott
But I can teach you enough so that you don’t embarrass me or the company.
Okay, deal! I’ll do whatever you say. No questions asked.
Photo of Dwight Schrute
Photo of Michael Scott
Well, if you have a question, you should ask me.
I’ll try and think of one. When…
Photo of Dwight Schrute
Photo of Michael Scott
Don’t. Don’t try and think of a question to humor me. Just… try not to be such an idiot.
Is that an insult or is that part of the public speaking advice?
Photo of Dwight Schrute
Photo of Michael Scott
Insult.

Mom, I’m sorry. I know you and Dad are chipping in for the wedding but I do not want orange invitations. Yes! Well, if you really want my…
Photo of Pam Beesley
Photo of Jim Halpert
Hi, yeah, can I talk to one of your travel agents?

I’m going to take a trip. I’m going to get out of town for a while… and go someplace… not here.
Photo of Jim Halpert

Photo of Jim Halpert
Where do I want to go? Um… that is an excellent question. And one I should have probably thought about before I called you. Um…

I get here early every morning so I can set the thermostat. I like it a little cooler, around 66 degrees. I’m more productive. Maybe some people don’t like it as cold as I do, but I don’t care.
Photo of Oscar Martinez

Photo of Michael Scott
stand up comic voice But seriously, what’s the difference between a salesman and a saleswoman?
Saleswoman has a vagina.
Photo of Dwight Schrute
Photo of Michael Scott
It’s a joke, Dwight. It’s not a Sex Ed class.
But I’m right?
Photo of Dwight Schrute
Photo of Michael Scott
Yeah, you’re right about the difference between a man and a woman, but not about the punch line to the joke, right? stand up comic voice The difference between a salesman and a saleswoman… is boobs!
Hey. Do you remember the speeches that you gave?
Photo of Dwight Schrute
Photo of Michael Scott
I do. Both of them.
Could I have a copy of one of them?
Photo of Dwight Schrute
Photo of Michael Scott
No, no! They would remember them. Look, it doesn’t matter what you say. It just matters that you’re saying something that people care about. Yeah? All right? Here we go. Watch this.

Attention everybody! Attention please! I have some very great news from Corporate. We had a wonderful quarter and as a result all of you are getting bonuses for 1000 dollars!
Photo of Michael Scott
Photo of Dwight Schrute
Yeah!
generalized clapping and cheering Congratulations.
Photo of Michael Scott
Photo of Phyllis
Unbelievable.

You see that? You see how they responded to me? In that moment, I had them.
Photo of Michael Scott
Photo of Dwight Schrute
That is so great about the bonus!
No, no! It’s not true. I was just talking so just go out there and say anything. They’ll eat it up. They’re a great audience.
Photo of Michael Scott

Photo of Stanley Hudson
Go ahead. Get the wallpaper. Wallpaper the ceiling if you want. Call Terri and tell her she…
It’s unbelievable!
Photo of Phyllis
Photo of Dwight Schrute
Excuse me! May I have your attention please? There has been an accident on 84 West. Cars have skidded off the road into the safety railing. Several cars have flipped. There is broken glass everywhere. Several people are injured.
Do we know anyone who was in the accident?
Photo of Pam Beesley
Photo of Dwight Schrute
Brad Pitt. Also there will be no bonuses.
Why would this affect our bonuses?
Photo of Stanley Hudson
Photo of Dwight Schrute
They are unrelated.
Is Brad okay?
Photo of Kelly Kapoor
Photo of Dwight Schrute
He will never act again. Also, this branch is closing.
What the hell is going on here?
Photo of Oscar Martinez
Photo of Angela Martin
Are we out of jobs?
Yes.
Photo of Dwight Schrute
Photo of Kelly Kapoor
This is karma because of what he did to Jennifer Aniston.
He’s kidding. Dwight was kidding and I don’t know why because it wasn’t funny… and it was just horrible.
Photo of Michael Scott
Photo of Stanley Hudson
Michael?
Yeah.
Photo of Michael Scott
Photo of Stanley Hudson
You said we were getting bonuses.
All right. Everybody in the conference room now. Let’s go. Let’s do it.
Photo of Michael Scott
Photo of Stanley Hudson
Cancel wallpaper.

As your leader and your friend, I sort of demand that you can all speak in public as I can… and did… twice. speaking to camera You saw the plaque, right? to office All right. We’re all going to go around the room and we’re going to make toasts. And that way, we will overcome our fear of public speaking.
Photo of Michael Scott
Photo of Pam Beesley
You mean Toastmasters?
Pam! I’m public speaking. Stop public interrupting me. Actually, this would be good practice for your wedding toast.
Photo of Michael Scott
Photo of Pam Beesley
Yeah, the bride doesn’t really do… Have you ever been to a wedding?
Can I go?
Photo of Jim Halpert
Photo of Michael Scott
Yes. Good. Jim taking the initiative.
So. Uh… I am going on a trip. But not really sure where I’m going yet. It’s kind of open-ended. So I was hoping maybe you guys would have some suggestions?
Photo of Jim Halpert
Photo of Kevin Malone
You should go to Hedonism.
What is that?
Photo of Jim Halpert
Photo of Kevin Malone
It’s like Club Med, but everything is naked.
I was thinking more like Europe. Or something like that. But, good second choice.
Photo of Jim Halpert
Photo of Toby Flenderson
Been to Amsterdam.
Oh ho hokay. You know what? That’s not a toast. You’re not standing up.
Photo of Michael Scott
Photo of Toby Flenderson
mimes lifting a glass To Amsterdam.
When did you go there?
Photo of Jim Halpert
Photo of Toby Flenderson
Umm… After my divorce. Yeah.
Really for like how long?
Photo of Jim Halpert
Photo of Toby Flenderson
Uh, about a week. Er… .um… .maybe a month. I uh can’t…
Jimmy, listen to me. You do not want to go to Amsterdam. Trust me.
Photo of Creed Bratton
Photo of Jim Halpert
Where do I want to go?
I’d send you to Hong Kong.
Photo of Creed Bratton

Photo of Creed Bratton
Like to say ‘Hi’ to my friends in China. speaks in Chinese

Okay, Dwight. Show us what you have learned today.
Photo of Michael Scott
Photo of Dwight Schrute
Good morning, Vietnam! general groaning Okay. You know what? This isn’t working. Because um I’m not nervous in front of them. They’re my subordinates.
No. We’re not.
Photo of Jim Halpert
Photo of Dwight Schrute
Uh, yes you are. I’m Assistant Regional Manager.
Which means absolutely nothing.
Photo of Jim Halpert
Photo of Dwight Schrute
Michael, can you explain?
Well, it’s mostly made up. So…
Photo of Michael Scott

Photo of Michael Scott
Dwight is not going to do a job. It’s sad. And they’re expecting excellence because I did do such a good job. Two years in a row. I killed. It was amazing.

Confidence, Dwight.
Photo of Michael Scott

Photo of Jim Halpert
Dwight. If you could travel anywhere in the world where would you go?
I can travel anywhere except Cuba. And I will travel to New Zealand. And walk the ‘Lord of the Rings’ trail to Mordor. And then I will hike Mount Doom. So… no… just leave me alone.
Photo of Dwight Schrute
Photo of Jim Halpert
Okay. Just trying to get some advice on my trip.
Oh please! You’re not taking any trip.
Photo of Dwight Schrute
Photo of Jim Halpert
You know I majored in Public Speaking in College.
You did?
Photo of Dwight Schrute
Photo of Jim Halpert
Mmmhmm. And the first thing they teach you is that you’ve got to be true to your self. And you are all about authority.
Yes. I am.
Photo of Dwight Schrute
Photo of Jim Halpert
The great speakers throughout history were not joke tellers. They were people of passion. So if you want to do well today, you got to do what they did.
Which is?
Photo of Dwight Schrute
Photo of Jim Halpert
You’ve got to wave your arms and you’ve got to pound your fists. Many times. It’s supposed to emphasize your point.

Ok, I didn’t actually major in Public Speaking. But, I did download speeches from some of history’s famous dictators. Like this one holds up paper. Originally given by Benito Mussolini.
Photo of Jim Halpert

Photo of Jim Halpert
Ok, look. I know you are giving this speech on your own but I wrote up a few talking points for you to take a look at. I hope you don’t mind.
I’ll glance at it.
Photo of Dwight Schrute

Photo of Michael Scott
It’s time, Dwight. The grim reaper is here.
The very best of luck to you, Dwight.
Photo of Angela Martin
Photo of Dwight Schrute
Thank you, Angela.

Why’d you pick the V.A. for the reception?
Photo of Kelly Kapoor
Photo of Pam Beesley
Roy has a connection. It’s nicer than you think.
You’re inviting Jim?
Photo of Ryan
Photo of Pam Beesley
Of course. He’s one of my closest friends.

All right. You ready? Here we go! Wow. It’s a little bit bigger than I remember. Come on. We’re down here. Right.
Photo of Michael Scott

Overhead
song You all ready for this?

coughs sniffles I am just feeling under the weather. And… I think that I will go home and rest.
Photo of Angela Martin
Photo of Kevin Malone
I’ve never, ever seen you take a sick day.
Well, I’ve seen you take enough for the both of us.
Photo of Angela Martin

Speaker
Next, I’d like to introduce the Dunder Mifflin Salesman of the Year, Dwight Schrute!
polite clapping
Crowd
Photo of Michael Scott
Dwight, they called your name.
Dwight, how we doing?
Speaker
Photo of Dwight Schrute
No, I can’t… I ca…
All right. You know what? Okay. No. No problem. You are lucky you have me here. I’m going to cover for you. shouts All right!
Photo of Michael Scott
Crowd
claps
Gooood morning, Vietnaaaam! I am not Dwight Schrute. Not at all. I am Michael Scott, his mentor and boss. And until Dwight comes up, if he ever does, I wanted to say a few words about excellence. What makes a work environment excellent? Well, there are many things, I believe, that do such a thing of that nature. And one would be humor. What is the difference between a salesman and a saleswoman?
Photo of Michael Scott

Photo of Kevin Malone
I always set it at 69. snickers

Maybe we’ll use a DJ. That’s the one thing Roy’s in charge of for this wedding but all he’s managed to do is set a date.
Photo of Pam Beesley
Photo of Kelly Kapoor
But he did a great job. June 10th is perfect. I want a June wedding. I’ve always wanted one. Ryan, do you know when you would want to get married?
Actually, I don’t see myself ever getting married.
Photo of Ryan
Photo of Kelly Kapoor
Oh.
Ryan, you should be more sensitive. It’s obvious she likes you and comments like that, they just…
Photo of Pam Beesley
Photo of Ryan
I know what I said.

I’m very sorry. I did not know you were wearing a hearing aid and I just thought you were speaking abnormally. …And now the black guy from the ‘Police Academy’ movies. A robot. makes robot sounds Michael Winslow, anyone?
Photo of Michael Scott

Photo of Michael Scott
Car starting. makes car sounds All right, Dwight Schrute everyone.
clapping
Crowd
Photo of Michael Scott
Good luck. That is a tough crowd.
bangs fists Blood alone moves the wheels of history! Have you ever asked yourselves in an hour of meditation, which everyone finds during the day. waves arm how long we have been striving for greatness? bangs fist Not only the years we’ve been at war, the war of work, but from the moment as a child when we realized that the world could be conquered. It has been a lifetime’s struggle waves arms. A never-ending fight. I say to you hits podium and you’ll understand that it is a privilege to fight!
Photo of Dwight Schrute
Crowd
clapping
WE ARE WARRIORS!
Photo of Dwight Schrute
Crowd
clapping and cheering
Salesman of Northeastern Pennsylvania, I ask you once more rise and be worthy of this historical hour!
Photo of Dwight Schrute
Crowd
clapping and cheering
laughs maniacally Yeah. Yes!
Photo of Dwight Schrute

Photo of Oscar Martinez
I’ve got a time share in Key West that might be available.
Maybe. Thanks.
Photo of Jim Halpert
Photo of Ryan
You really think you’re going to go?
Yeah. I’m definitely going.
Photo of Jim Halpert
Photo of Ryan
Nice. Send me a postcard.

Jim has worked at the same place for five years. Jim eats the same ham and cheese sandwich everyday for lunch. I don’t know. If I were a betting man, I’d say he will have a fun weekend in Philadelphia.
Photo of Ryan

Photo of Dwight Schrute
No revolution is worth anything unless it can defend itself. bangs fists
claps
Crowd
Photo of Dwight Schrute
Some people will tell you salesman is a bad word. They’ll conjure up images of used car dealers and door to door charlatans. This is our duty – to change their perception. I say salesmen… and women of the world unite! We must never acquiesce for it is together, TOGETHER, THAT WE PREVAIL! We must never cede control of the motherland! For it is…
shouts Together that we prevail! cheering and clapping
Crowd

Photo of Pam Beesley
Australia? I have always wanted to go there?
I’m going. I’m a little nervous to run into Dwight on his connecting flight to Mordor. But, other than that… um, yeah, I bought the ticket, non-refundable.
Photo of Jim Halpert
Photo of Pam Beesley
That’s awesome. Where are you staying?
I don’t know. I feel like I have plenty of time to figure out the details but…
Photo of Jim Halpert
Photo of Pam Beesley
When are you leaving?
I’m… leaving on June 8th.
Photo of Jim Halpert
Photo of Pam Beesley
Oh.
Yeah. And I’m really sorry about that, I just…
Photo of Jim Halpert
Photo of Pam Beesley
Oh yeah. That’s too bad.
Yeah. Do you want me to take these on my way out?
Photo of Jim Halpert
Photo of Pam Beesley
It’s ok. I got it.
Alright.
Photo of Jim Halpert

Photo of Dwight Schrute
Ok, thanks. to Michael There you are. What happened?
I got thirsty. How’d it go?
Photo of Michael Scott
Photo of Dwight Schrute
It was amazing. I wish you would have been there.
You would not believe what happened here.
Photo of Michael Scott
Photo of Dwight Schrute
What? Something happened?
Oh! This woman came in, sat down, ordered a drink. The bartender asked for her ID which I thought was odd because I pegged her at like 35.
Photo of Michael Scott
Photo of Dwight Schrute
Weird.
Yeah, it was weird. So, she was like ‘I don’t have my ID, please give me one.’ And he was like ‘I can’t do that. I can’t serve you.’
Photo of Michael Scott
Photo of Dwight Schrute
Con artist.
She might have been. So she says ‘Fine. I will go to my room. I will get my purse. I will come back. I’ll show you my ID.’ She hasn’t come back yet. She’s probably in her room drinking from the mini-bar! Right?
Photo of Michael Scott

Photo of Michael Scott
Dwight gave a great speech. That’s the word on the street anyway. And I entertained Dwight to no end with my bar stories. So, I captivated the guy who captivated a thousand guys. Can you believe that? A thousand guys?

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