The Alliance - The Office (Season 1, Episode 4)

Concerned about the downsizing rumors, Dwight stalks Michael outside of the bathroom. When a straight answer can't be given, Dwight moves the water cooler next to his desk so he can hear any and all rumors.

To bring up morale, Michael decides to throw a birthday party for Meredith. She had the closest birthday. Michael tells the women of the office to plan it.

Meanwhile, Dwight tries to recruit Jim to form an alliance against the downsizing. Jim agrees, but in reality he will use this as a way to play another prank on Dwight.

Michael gets a card with a picture of a bird on it that says "Happy Bird-Day". He plans on writing the funniest thing ever for Meredith. It will also help with morale.

To manipulate Dwight and arouse his suspicions, Jim tells him that Toby and Kevin were conspiring in the breakroom. Dwight takes the bait and thinks they are an alliance. Jim tells him that everyone in the office is a part of an alliance.

To further mess with his head, (he did take the big client from behind Jim's back), Jim tells Dwight that there will be an "alliance meeting" in the warehouse while Meredith's party is happening upstairs. So Jim gets Dwight to hide in a box and wait for the meeting. Jim goes to the party.

Meredith is very surprised about the party, but is pissy because everyone is enjoying the cake except for her, she's allergic.

The party breaks up as Michael tries to lighten the mood by telling jokes.

Dwight, who is afraid of small spaces, can't stand it anymore and jumps out of the box to "scare" some of the warehouse staff.

Best Funny Quotes From The Office - The Alliance

Michael!?
Photo of Dwight Schrute
Photo of Michael Scott
Oh! God. Dwight, come on…
I wanted to talk to you about the downsizing?
Photo of Dwight Schrute
Photo of Michael Scott
There’s no downsizing.
I, but if there were, I’d be protected as assistant regional manager?
Photo of Dwight Schrute
Photo of Michael Scott
Assistant to the regional manager Dwight.
Yeah, so I don’t have to worry?
Photo of Dwight Schrute
Photo of Michael Scott
Look, look, look. I talked to corporate, about protecting the sales staff. And they said they couldn’t guarantee it if there’s downsizing, okay?
But there’s no downsizing, so just don’t…
Photo of Michael Scott
Photo of Dwight Schrute
Bottom line. Do I need to be worried?
Mmm, mm, mm. Maybe.
Photo of Michael Scott

Photo of Michael Scott
It looks like there’s gonna be downsizing. And it’s part of my job, but… blah! I hate it. I think the main difference between me and Donald Trump is that, uh, I get no pleasure out of saying the words, “You’re fired.” as Donald Trump “You’re foir-ed. Uh, you’re foir-ed.” It just makes people sad, and an office can’t function that way. No way. as Donald Trump “You’re foir-ed.” I think if I had a catchphrase it would be, “You’re hired, and you can work here as long as you want.” But that’s unrealistic, so…

It’s a real shame, ’cause studies have shown that more information gets passed through water-cooler gossip than through official memos. Which puts me at a disadvantage, because I bring my own water to work.
Photo of Dwight Schrute

Photo of Stanley Hudson
Why’d you do this?
I didn’t do it. What do you mean? Oh, the water cooler was brought over here for… maintenance. So what do you guys hear? What’s the scuttlebutt?
Photo of Dwight Schrute

Photo of Michael Scott
Get set for Operation Morale Improvement starring Michael Scott. Now, I think I have had a little stroke of genius in that I have had my assistant Pam… Smile, Pam. I have had her go out and find out whose birthday is coming up, so we can have a little celebration for it. Not bad, not bad at all. All right. And the birthday person is… drum roll please. Here we go, who is the birthday, birthday person?
Who is it? Who’s the birthday?
Photo of Michael Scott
Photo of Pam Beesley
Um… Actually, we don’t have any staff birthdays coming up.
Next person on the…
Photo of Michael Scott
Photo of Pam Beesley
Oh.
…calendar.
Photo of Michael Scott
Photo of Pam Beesley
Okay, umm… that would be Meredith.
Yes! All right, come on down Meredith!
Photo of Michael Scott
Photo of Pam Beesley
But it’s not until next month.
Um… uh, OK. Well, great, well, you know, it’ll be a surprise.
Photo of Michael Scott
Photo of Pam Beesley
You still want to have a party?
Yeah, why not? Sure. Go ahead, live a little. Come on, Pam. Come on, shake it up. Shake it up! Shake it up!
Photo of Michael Scott
Photo of Michael Scott
grabs cell phone off desk Brrrp! Uh, Spock, are there any signs of life down there? Well, let me check Captain. Eeee. Eeee. Eeee. Eeee. No, Captain. No signs of life down here. Just a wet blanket named Pam. Brr-rrrp. Star Trek.

Well, uh, for decorations, maybe we could… it’s stupid, forget it.
Photo of Phyllis
Photo of Angela Martin
What?
I was just going to say, maybe we could have streamers, but that’s dumb, everybody has streamers. Never mind.
Photo of Phyllis
Photo of Angela Martin
No, yeah, I think that’s a good idea.
Yeah?
Photo of Phyllis
Photo of Angela Martin
What color do you guys think?
Well, there’s green, um, blue… yellow… red…
Photo of Phyllis
Photo of Pam Beesley
How about green?
I think green is kind of whoreish.
Photo of Angela Martin

Photo of Pam Beesley
This was tough. I suggested we flip a coin. But Angela said she doesn’t like to gamble. Of course by saying that she was gambling that I wouldn’t smack her.

These are my party-planning beeyatches. Pulled off an amazing ’80s party last year. Off the hook!
Photo of Michael Scott
Photo of Michael Scott
So I was thinking, if you haven’t already got a cake, um, maybe going for one of those ice-cream cakes from Baskin-Robbins. Those are very good. Very Delicious.
Meredith’s allergic to dairy, so…
Photo of Angela Martin
Photo of Michael Scott
She’s not the only one that’s going to be eating it, right? I think everybody likes ice-cream cake. It’s not, uh, it’s not just about her, so…
It is… her birthday.
Photo of Pam Beesley
Photo of Michael Scott
Mint chocolate chip! That’d be good, how about some, mint chocolate chip?

Hey, so listen, I was thinking that it might be a good idea if you and I formed an alliance. ‘Cause of the downsizing? I think an alliance might be a good idea, you know. Help each other out.
Photo of Dwight Schrute
Photo of Dwight Schrute
Do you want to form, an alliance, with me?
Absolutely, I do.
Photo of Jim Halpert
Photo of Dwight Schrute
Good, good. Excellent, OK. Now we need to figure out who’s vulnerable and who’s protected…

At that moment, I was so happy. I mean, everything Dwight does annoys me.
Photo of Jim Halpert

Photo of Dwight Schrute
Did you get your tickets?
To what?
Photo of Jim Halpert
Photo of Dwight Schrute
The gun show. Rolls up his sleeve and kisses his bicep

And I spend hours thinking of ways to get back at him, but only in ways that could get me arrested. And then here he comes and he says “No, Jim, here’s a way.”
Photo of Jim Halpert

Photo of Dwight Schrute
There’s one other thing and this is important. Let’s keep this alliance totally a secret. Don’t tell anyone.

An alliance?
Photo of Pam Beesley
Photo of Jim Halpert
Oh yeah.
What does that even mean?
Photo of Pam Beesley
Photo of Jim Halpert
I think it has something to do with Survivor, but I’m not sure.
Um, I know that it involves spying on people and we may build a fort, underground.
Photo of Jim Halpert
Photo of Dwight Schrute
Jim! Hey. Hi, Pam. Listen, could I talk to you a second about the… paper products?

Did you tell Pam about the alliance?
Photo of Dwight Schrute
Photo of Jim Halpert
What? No.
Just now.
Photo of Dwight Schrute
Photo of Jim Halpert
What? Oh no no no. Dwight, no. I’m using her, for the alliance. Who knows the most information about this office? Pam.
Right, that’s good, good, pursue this.
Photo of Dwight Schrute
Photo of Jim Halpert
Well I’m trying to. Do you see what I’m doing?
Mmm hmm.
Photo of Dwight Schrute
Photo of Jim Halpert
But listen, I’m going to have to talk to her a lot. All right? And there may be chatting, and giggling. And you gotta just pretend to ignore it. Wipe it away.
Done.
Photo of Dwight Schrute
Photo of Jim Halpert
All right.

to the camera Can you get her? She’s right there. camera zooms in on Meredith at here desk That is Meredith, the birthday girl. And this… is Meredith’s card. Happy Bird-Day. laughs Um, let’s see. Jim, Jim wrote, “Meredith, I heard you’re turning 46, but, come on, you’re an accountant. Just fudge the numbers.” Not bad, pretty funny, I don’t appreciate condoning corporate fraud though. Uh, here’s the thing. Whatever I write here has to be really, really funny. Because people out there are expecting it. I’ve already set the bar really high. And they’re all worried about their jobs, you know. It’s kinda dark out there. Can you imagine if I wrote something like, uh, “Oh, Meredith. Happy Birthday. You’re great. Love, Michael.” pretends to vomit and laughs
Photo of Michael Scott

Photo of Dwight Schrute
They seem awfully chummy, don’t you think?
Yeah, what do you think that’s about?
Photo of Jim Halpert
Photo of Dwight Schrute
Only one way to find out.
I’m on it.
Photo of Jim Halpert

Photo of Jim Halpert
You are not going to believe this.
What? I believe it.
Photo of Dwight Schrute
Photo of Jim Halpert
Well, tensions were high in the kitchen.
I could tell, from the body language.
Photo of Dwight Schrute

Photo of Jim Halpert
Hey Kev, that looks good. What is it? Turkey?
Italian.
Photo of Kevin Malone
Photo of Jim Halpert
Oh, Italian. Nice. Wow! You got the works there. Red onion, provolone…
Yeah.
Photo of Kevin Malone

Photo of Jim Halpert
Toby and Kevin, they’re trying to get Angela kicked off.
Good, let ’em. It helps our cause.
Photo of Dwight Schrute
Photo of Jim Halpert
Well, I don’t know, if Kevin’s in accounting, and Toby’s in Human Resources and they’re talking…
Oh, they’re forming an alliance
Photo of Dwight Schrute

Photo of Toby Flenderson
I love their sandwiches.
I love their sandwiches too.
Photo of Jim Halpert
Photo of Kevin Malone
Their bread’s really good.
Their bread is very good.
Photo of Jim Halpert

Photo of Dwight Schrute
Damn it. God!
OK, listen, we need to assume that everyone in the office is forming an alliance and is therefore trying to get us kicked off.
Photo of Jim Halpert
Photo of Dwight Schrute
God… Damn it! Why us?
Because we’re strong, Dwight. Because we’re strong.
Photo of Jim Halpert

Photo of Michael Scott
staring at birthday card Meredith, Meredith… Meri… Mary had a little lamb. Mary… Meredith had a little lamb. Don’t bring that lamb to work or it’ll poop on the floor.
Hey, Oscar! Come on in. What’s up?
Photo of Michael Scott
Photo of Oscar Martinez
Uh, I’m sorry to bother you.
Oh, not at all. Come on in. What’s going on?
Photo of Michael Scott
Photo of Oscar Martinez
My nephew is involved with, um, a charity for cerebral palsy, and I was wondering if maybe you’d like to… you know… if…
What?
Photo of Michael Scott
Photo of Oscar Martinez
Donate to the charity?
Oh, God. Of course I would. Get it over here. Get that over here.
Photo of Michael Scott
Photo of Oscar Martinez
Thank you.
No, I’m always good… for some serious buckage. Wow. Two dollars, three dollars? People out here do not care about diseases. I am going to give you… $25.
Photo of Michael Scott
Photo of Oscar Martinez
That’s… that’s… that’s very generous.
Oh, my gosh, well… Listen, Oscar, generosity and togetherness and community all convalescences into… morale. That’s what I say, so…
Photo of Michael Scott

Photo of Pam Beesley
whispering Hey, Jim, can I talk to you for a second?
Sure, what’s up?
Photo of Jim Halpert
Photo of Pam Beesley
Um, I don’t know, I’m just like, I’m going a little crazy ’cause I keep overhearing all these conversations between Michael and corporate about like, staff issues?
Oh no?
Photo of Jim Halpert
Photo of Pam Beesley
Yeah, he’s making me take notes on these meetings and I’m, like, “These people are my friends.” But he’s all like, “This is confidential. You can’t tell anybody.” But I just feel like I want to… aaah. Just promise me you’re not gonna say anything.
No, will not, I’m not going to tell anybody. This is between you and me.
Photo of Jim Halpert
Photo of Pam Beesley
OK, yeah.
Jackpot.
Photo of Dwight Schrute

Photo of Jim Halpert
That was beautiful. All her idea too. Awesome. She is so great.

looking at birthday card Meredith, bad breath. Meredith has bad breath.
Photo of Michael Scott
Photo of Dwight Schrute
Hey, you wanted to see me?
Yeah. What do you know about Meredith?
Photo of Michael Scott
Photo of Dwight Schrute
I don’t think she’d be missed.
There’s not going to be downsizing Dwight, OK? I just, I need to know a little bit more about my friend.
Photo of Michael Scott
Photo of Dwight Schrute
Name, Meredith Palmer. Uh, personal information, divorced twice, two kids. Uh, Employer, Dunder Mifflin Paper Incorporated. Awards, multiple Dundies.
I know all that. I know all that. I just, I need something kind of embarrassing, you know. Kind of fun, inside.
Photo of Michael Scott
Photo of Dwight Schrute
She had a hysterectomy.
laughs Which one is that again?
Photo of Michael Scott
Photo of Dwight Schrute
That’s where they remove the uterus.
Oh God! Dwight, no. I’m trying to write something funny. What am I going to do with a removed uterus?
Photo of Michael Scott
Photo of Dwight Schrute
It could be kind of funny.
You know what, I am on a deadline here, and just… OK. Thanks, thanks for your help. I’ll work it out. Thank you Dwight. That was a waste of time.
Photo of Michael Scott

Photo of Jim Halpert
OK, here’s the deal. All right? Pam says that one of the alliances is meeting in the warehouse during Meredith’s birthday.
Oh my God, we have to be there.
Photo of Dwight Schrute
Photo of Jim Halpert
I know, but it’s gonna be a little tough because there’s no good place to hide there.
No no, yes there is. Behind the shelves. Oh my God.
Photo of Dwight Schrute
Photo of Jim Halpert
What? What?
I know. I know exactly what to do.
Photo of Dwight Schrute
Photo of Jim Halpert
gives Dwight a high five Great.

I’m a deer hunter. I go all the time with my dad. One thing about deer, they have very good vision. One thing about me, I am better at hiding than they are… at vision.
Photo of Dwight Schrute

Photo of Dwight Schrute
This is going to be perfect, OK? Centrally located. Perfect cover. I can hear and see everything.
Good.
Photo of Jim Halpert

Photo of Ryan
Michael? Are you done yet?
Almost there. Just a sec. Just a second. It is perfect, thank you. Excellent, here we go. It is time, thank you. OK, come on. Let’s go! Get the cake. Here we go. Come on! Shhh. Be quiet.
Photo of Michael Scott

Photo of Jim Halpert
Wait, this isn’t gonna work. The lid’s open.
So tape it down.
Photo of Dwight Schrute
Photo of Jim Halpert
I can’t do that. You won’t be able to breathe.
Look, I can breathe just fine. OK, but if it makes you feel better, I’ll poke holes in the box.
Photo of Dwight Schrute
Photo of Jim Halpert
Thank you, thank you. OK.

Surprise!
Photo of Everybody
Photo of Meredith Palmer
Oh! Surprise.
No, it’s ah…
Photo of Angela Martin
Photo of Michael Scott
It’s surprise Meredith. One, two…
tunelessly Happy birthday to you.
Photo of Everybody
Photo of Michael Scott
Find a key.
Happy birthday…
Photo of Everybody

Photo of Jim Halpert
So do you want me to stay here and, you know, stand next to the box?
No, you need to go upstairs to the party so people don’t notice we’re both gone.
Photo of Dwight Schrute
Photo of Jim Halpert
Right… That’s good.

Can I trust Jim? I don’t know. Do I have a choice? No, frankly, I don’t. Will I trust Jim? Yes. Should I trust Jim? You tell me.
Photo of Dwight Schrute

Photo of Everybody
singing … birthday, dear Meredith Happy birthday to you…
And many more!
Photo of Michael Scott

Photo of Stanley Hudson
Last year, five years ago…
You were surprised, weren’t you?
Photo of Michael Scott
Photo of Meredith Palmer
Yes.
You looked freaked, man. We said “Surprise.” You were, like, “What?” “What the hell’s goin’ on here?” Good cake. Why don’t you have some?
Photo of Michael Scott
Photo of Meredith Palmer
Uh, I can’t. Um…
Come on. A little bit.
Photo of Michael Scott
Photo of Meredith Palmer
I can’t eat dairy.
Oh, right. God, too bad. It’s so good.
Photo of Michael Scott
Photo of Meredith Palmer
Yeah, it makes me sick.
You know what? If I were allergic to dairy, I think I’d kill myself. ‘Cause this is way, way too good.
Photo of Michael Scott

Photo of Pam Beesley
He’s in a box?
Pam, he’s in a box. He’s downstairs, in a box, on the floor, near the shelves. I’m serious. Go down there and work your magic.
Photo of Jim Halpert

Photo of Pam Beesley
on her cell phone Hey where are you? Yeah, we were supposed to meet here. What? Oh my gosh! That ties in perfectly with something that Michael was telling me earlier! I just don’t know what some of the people in, like, accounting are going to do? It said specifically that…
box falls over Oh.
Photo of Dwight Schrute

Photo of Michael Scott
Jim, good party, huh? Just a little something I whipped up. You know, a little morale boost. No big deal.
Speaking of which, I meant to tell you. Very impressive, the uh, donation you gave to Oscar’s charity. What was it? 25 bucks?
Photo of Jim Halpert
Photo of Michael Scott
Well, you know, money isn’t everything Jim. It’s not the key to happiness. You know what is? Joy. You should remember that. Maybe you’ll give more than three dollars next time.
Yeah, well, three dollars a mile. It’s gonna end up being like 50 bucks. So… God, I can’t even calculate what you’re gonna have to give.
Photo of Jim Halpert
Photo of Michael Scott
Is Oscar around?

I just thought it was kind of a flat, you know… 25 dollar, one-time donation. I didn’t think it was per mile kinda deal. You know, so…
Photo of Michael Scott
Photo of Oscar Martinez
Well, that’s what a walk-a-thon is.
I know…
Photo of Michael Scott
Photo of Oscar Martinez
It says it right on the sheet. Look, look at the sheet. It says, “However many dollars per mile.”
Right. Got it. Yes. So it does. Um…
Photo of Michael Scott
Photo of Oscar Martinez
I just think it’s kind of cheap to un-donate money to a charity.
No, no, no, no, no. That wasn’t what I wasn’t, that wasn’t… No. It-it-it’s not about the money. It’s just… it… it’s the ethics of the thing, Oscar. How’s your nephew? Is he in good shape?
Photo of Michael Scott
Photo of Oscar Martinez
Yeah.
How many miles did he do last year?
Photo of Michael Scott
Photo of Oscar Martinez
Last year, he walked 18 miles.
Son of a bitch. That is impressive.
Photo of Michael Scott

Photo of Pam Beesley
Happy Birthday. gives Meredith her card
Read it out loud. And say who wrote everything so we know whose is the best.
Photo of Michael Scott
Photo of Meredith Palmer
“Happy Bird-day” Um… “Meredith, good news. You’re not actually a year older because you work here, where time stands still.”
under his breath I don’t know about that.
Photo of Michael Scott
Photo of Meredith Palmer
That was Stanley. “Meredith, happy birthday, you’re the best. Love, Pam.”
pretends to vomit Huh! Thanks, downer.
Photo of Michael Scott
Photo of Meredith Palmer
This is from Michael. “Meredith, let’s hope the only downsizing that happens to you is that someone downsizes your age.”
Because of the downsizing. Rumors. And because you’re gettin’ old.
Photo of Michael Scott
Photo of Meredith Palmer
No, I… I get it. It’s funny.
laughs You didn’t get the joke. So, that’s cool. That’s, you know what? Actually… I have a bunch of these, good ones, that I didn’t use. Um… Oh, where’s that? Oh, OK, here’s a good one. Um… “Hey Meredith, Liz Taylor called, she wants her age back and her divorces back.” ‘Cause Meredith’s been divorced like, twice. Is that right?
Photo of Michael Scott
Photo of Meredith Palmer
You’re right. You’re right. Yes.
Divorce. Um… OK, “Meredith is so old…”
Photo of Michael Scott
Photo of Oscar Martinez
How old is she?
Everybody? If… could do it? “Meredith is so old…”
Photo of Michael Scott
Photo of Everybody
How old is she?
“She’s so old, she went into an antique store and they kept her.”
Photo of Michael Scott
Photo of Michael Scott
That wasn’t even mine. I got that off the Internet. Website. Um, don’t get mad at me.
Uh, nice party Michael.
Photo of Oscar Martinez
Photo of Michael Scott
This isn’t my fault. Ladies, not your best effort. The streamers? I think we could have done better than that.
Phyllis wanted red, I didn’t.
Photo of Angela Martin
Photo of Phyllis
Oh, boy… You…
OK, we… all right. People, hold on, hold on. Just a second. OK, I think we’re losing sight of what is really important here. And that is that we are… a group of people… who work together. I was… I really wasn’t gonna flaunt this. I have made a very sizable donation to Oscar’s nephew’s… walkathon. $25.
Photo of Michael Scott
Photo of Oscar Martinez
Per mile.
Per mile, yes.
Photo of Michael Scott

Photo of Michael Scott
When I retire, I… don’t want to just disappear to an island somewhere. I wanna be the guy who gives everything back.

A check for the kids, and for the team.
Photo of Michael Scott

Photo of Michael Scott
I want it to be like… “Hey, who donated that hospital wing that is saving so many lives?” “Um, well, I don’t, I don’t know. It was anonymous.” “Well, guess what, whispering that was Michael Scott.” “But it was anonymous, how do you know?” “Because I’m him.”

Thank you, Michael.
Photo of Oscar Martinez
Photo of Michael Scott
Come here. hugs Oscar and In a low voice Don’t cash that till Friday, OK?

Really? Today?
Photo of Toby Flenderson
Photo of Ryan
Yeah.
Oh, Happy Birthday.
Photo of Toby Flenderson
Photo of Ryan
Thanks.
Yeah, I could say something.
Photo of Toby Flenderson
Photo of Ryan
No, don’t. Don’t do that.

OK, OK. I have something that totally tops the box.
Photo of Jim Halpert
Photo of Pam Beesley
Oh, tell me, tell me.
OK. I have just convinced Dwight that he needs to go to Stamford and… Pam starts laughing… spy on our other branch. No no no.
Photo of Jim Halpert
Photo of Jim Halpert
But before he does so, I told him that he should dye his hair to go undercover.
laughing That’s perfect!
Photo of Pam Beesley
Photo of Jim Halpert
If we can get him to drive to Connecticut… and put peroxide in his hair…
yelling What the hell is this? What are you trying to cop a feel or something? Huh Halpert?
Photo of Roy
Photo of Jim Halpert
No, no, dude, no.
Hey, Hey!
Photo of Pam Beesley
Photo of Jim Halpert
No, dude, no, I was just, listen! Whoa.
Come on.
Photo of Pam Beesley
Photo of Jim Halpert
God, I don’t even, I don’t even know how to explain this. Uh, um… Dwight, uh, asked me to be in an alliance. And then um… um… we were… we’ve just been messing with him. Uh, because of the whole alliance thing. Um…
It’s just office pranks.
Photo of Pam Beesley
Photo of Jim Halpert
It’s stupid. It’s, it’s just office pranks.
looking at Dwight An alliance? What the hell is he talking about?
Photo of Roy
Photo of Dwight Schrute
I have absolutely no idea.
Come on.
Photo of Roy

Photo of Dwight Schrute
Do I feel bad about betraying Jim? Not at all. That’s the game. Convince him we’re in an alliance, get some information, throw him to the wolves.
With blonde hair That’s politics baby. Get what you can out of someone, then crush them. I think Jim might have learned a very valuable lesson.
Photo of Dwight Schrute

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