The Office Quotes Season 1
Want to duplicate the hilarity of The Office Sitcom in your own office. Try these quotes on for size.
Michael: I think that pretty much sums it up. (he is
holding a coffee mug that reads "World's Best Boss") I found it
at Spenser's Gifts.
Dwight: Your pencils are creating a health hazard. I could fall and pierce an organ.
Michael: I guess the atmosphere that I've tried to create here is that I'm a friend first
and a boss second, and probably an entertainer third.
Michael: This is our receptionist, Pam. If you think she's cute now, you should have seen
her a couple years ago.
Michael:(about the downsizing) Am I going to tell them? No I'm not going to tell
them. I don't see the point in that. As a doctor you would not
tell a patient if they had cancer.
Read the episode recap for The Office Pilot
After Jim kills the power to Dwight's shredder, Dwight pushes the
receiver button thus promptly ending Jim's sales call.
Jim: Thanks Dwight
Dwight: Retaliation. Tit for tit.
Jim: That is not the expression.
Dwight: Well it should be.
The Chris Rock joke that prompted Corporate to call for
Kevin: (as Chris Rock) Basically there are two types of
black people. And black people are actually more racist because they
hate the other type of black people. Everytime the one type wants to
have a good time then the other type comes in and makes a real mess.
Michael: Okay, I'm sorry. he is really butchering it. Can you just
let me...(and Michael goes into the routine)
Dwight: A hero kills people. People that wish him harm.
A hero is part human and part super natural. A hero is born out
of a childhood trauma or a disaster that must be avenged.
Kevin: You wanna go to the beach?
Kevin: You wanna get high?
Kevin: I think you do, mon.
Oscar: Both my parents were born in Mexico, and they moved to the United States a year
before I was born, so I grew up in the United States... my parents were
Michael: Wow, that is a great story. That's the American dream right there, right? Um,
let me ask you, is there a term besides ‘Mexican' that you prefer? Something
Michael: This, is an environment of welcoming, and you should just get the hell outa
Pam: If I have to do this, based on stereotypes that are totally
untrue and I do not agree with, you would maybe not be a very good driver.
Dwight: Oh Man, Am I a woman?!
Read the episode recap for The Office Diversity Day
Jim: Because right now, this is a job. If I advance any higher, this would be my
career. And if this were my career, I'd have to throw myself in front of a
Dwight: I'm not mad, I just wanna know who did it so that I can punish them.
Dwight: Who wrote this, this hysterical one? Anal fissures.
Kevin: That's a real thing
Dwight: Yeah, but no one here has it
Kevin: (under his breath) Someone has it
Dwight: Through concentration, I can raise and lower my cholesterol at will.
Pam: Why would you wanna raise your cholesterol?
Dwight: So I can lower it
Jim: Last night on ‘Trading Spouses,' there's... did you see it?
Pam: No, I have a life.
Jim: Interesting, what's that like?
Pam: You should try it some time.
Jim: Wow. But then who would watch my TV?
Read the episode recap for The Office Health Care
Michael: I had a whole bunch of these I didn't use. 'Meredith, Elizabeth
Taylor called. She wants her age back. And her divorces.' Or, 'Meredith is so
old that she went into an antique store and they kept her.'
Jim: "Everything Dwight does annoys me."
Michael: I think if I was allergic to dairy I'd kill myself.
Dwight: Studies show that more information is passed through watercooler
gossip than through official memos, which puts me at a disadvantage because
(picks up water bottle) I bring my own water to work.
Read the episode recap for The Office The Alliance
Pam: My finacee has plans for us this Saturday so I really
hope Dwight doesn't make me work. Maybe I should sleep with him. I'm
kidding, totally kidding.
Jim: Pam gets a little down. Her toaster oven broke, which she got at her
engagement shower, um for a wedding that still has yet to be set. That was three
Angela: Has anyone seen the first aid kit?
Dwight holds the first aid kit in the air.
Angela: How many times have I told you? I'm the safety officer
Michael: Let’s figure out our starting lineup. Stanley, of course.
Stanley: I’m sorry?
Michael: What do you play? Center?
Stanley: What’s that supposed to mean? Why ‘of course’?
Michael: I don’t remember saying that.
Dwight: Well we need someone to work this Saturday, and I think it should be…Jim.
Jim: God, this is so sad. This is the smallest amount of power I’ve ever seen go to someone’s head.
Read the episode recap for The Office Basketball
Michael: Wow, look at you. You are a…You’re like the new and improved
Pam. Pam 6.0.
Roy: Man I would be all over that if I wasn't dating Pam.
Pam: We're not dating we're engaged.
Roy: Engaged. Yeah.
Michael: Pam, how do girls your age feel about futons?
Michael: Do I have a special someone? Well, yeah, of course,
a bunch of 'em, my employees. If I had to choose between a one night
stand with some stupid cow I pick up in a bar and these people...I pick them
every time. Because with them, it is an everyday stand adn I still know
their names in the morning.
Michael: First we have to do is figure out what motivates people more than anything else.
Michael: It’s illegal, can’t do that, next best thing?
Michael: Da, come on Dwight, help me out here, that’s just stupid.
Read the episode recap for The Office Hot Girl
Great Quotes From All Episodes