Company Picnic - The Office (Season 5, Episode 28)
Employees arrive at the Dunder Mifflin company picnic, where Michael plans to win back Holly Flax. He hasn't seen her since she was transferred back to Nashua. Holly arrives with her boyfriend A.J., who tells Michael the couple are designing a house together.
David Wallace allows Michael and Holly to do a presentation about the history of Dunder Mifflin, and the two spend time in the woods to come up with ideas. Jim and Pam run into Charles Miner for the first time since he left Scranton, and Charles is still short
with Jim.
Dwight brings his best friend, Rolf, who makes constant insults to Angela for breaking Dwight's heart; Dwight tells Rolf to stop, much to Angela's surprise.
The Scranton branch competes in the picnic's volleyball tournament, facing off against the other branches of Dunder Mifflin. They initially struggle until Pam reveals herself to be a very talented volleyball player. With her help, they reach the final round where they face the corporate head office.
Michael and Holly perform a skit that parodies Slumdog Millionaire (called "SlumDunder Mifflinaire"), presenting Dunder Mifflin trivia in the form of Who Wants to Be a Millionaire?, as well as acting out torture scenes featured in the film. Nobody except
Stanley finds their presentation amusing, but things take a turn for the worse when they reveal that the Buffalo branch, whose staff are hearing this announcement for the first time, will be closing in the near future because of the economic recession.
After reluctantly confirming this news to the Buffalo staff, David berates Michael for revealing this as it was something David told to Michael in confidence. In his own defense, Michael insists he thought they already knew about it.
As Michael and Holly talk about next year's presentation, he prepares to ask for her back but stops himself, deciding not to ruin the moment. As Holly leaves with A. J., Michael says he believes he will eventually be reunited with Holly,
although potentially not for a long time—and he's fine with this because "I'm in no rush".
The Scranton branch faces off against the corporate branch, commenting that they deserve to lose for deciding to close down Buffalo. The game is close, and Pam ends up injuring her ankle, although she wants to continue. Seeing an opportunity to remove
Scranton's best player from the game, Charles insists that Pam take a seat on the grounds of her injury being a company liability. Determined to beat corporate, Jim takes Pam to a local hospital to get an X-ray while Dwight stalls the game to give them
time to get back. When the doctor calls Jim into the room for an update, the doctor informs Jim and Pam of some news that causes them to be ecstatic. Jim then calls Dwight to send in the substitute players.
Best Funny Quotes From The Office - Company Picnic
 | phone rings, whispering Dunder Mifflin, this is Erin… He’s not available right now… Uh huh… Yes… Sure, I’ll give him the message when he gets up– gets back. | |
| Michael had chicken potpie for lunch. Actually, let me rephrase that, Michael had an entire chicken pot pie for lunch, and- let me be more specific. Michael ate an entire family-sized chicken potpie for lunch and then he promptly fell asleep, so we’re all trying to be very quiet so as to not wake him up before 5:00 pm. Which, actually, should be in about… ten minutes. |  |
| whispering Okay, I’m gonna go in there and change the computer. Are you sure you can change his watch? | |
| whispering I can do it. |  |
 | whispering What do you need from me? | |
| Normally I don’t condone leaving early, but I have an appointment with the horse doctor. How that horse became a doctor, I don’t know. laughs heartily No, I’m kidding. He’s just a regular doctor who shoots your horse in the head when its leg is broken. | |
 | mumbles in his sleep as Pam and Jim change the clocks in his office | |
| changing the clock in Michael’s car Like clockwork. | |
| silently counting Three, two, one… Erin turns on the office lights, all laugh loudly | |
| wakes up, joins in with the laughter Uh oh. What’s so funny? | |
| You had to be there. | |
| Oh yay! Geography joke. still laughing, notices the time Oh! Wow! Okay. Alright, let’s all go home. Come on. See you all tamale. | |
| See you later! | |
| Bye Michael! all applaud and cheer, Dwight imitates gunfire Yeah! | |
| at company picnic All right, you ready for this? | |
| Yeah, we walk around, everyone sees our faces and we leave, right? | |
| Yeah. | |
| Okay. | |
| Wait, should I have left the car running? both laugh | |
| Oh, don’t get us wrong, we like picnics. | |
| Come on, who doesn’t like a picnic? | |
| Tell them what happened last year. | |
| I had this huge spider in my baseball mitt. | |
| No, no, that guy who hit on me. | |
| Oh, right, some drunk guy hit on Pam last year. Said he was grabbing her for balance. | |
| Yeah, you don’t grab these gestures to her chest for balance. | |
| Well… | |
| I’m gonna say 30. | |
 | Ah, 40. Insect repellent, which we clearly need, reduces the effectiveness of SPF. | |
| Good point, but, thought of that already. Combination SPF/repellent. | |
| Woah. Homemade? | |
| Of course. You think the EPA would ever allow that much DEET? both laugh | |
| Rolph is my best friend. We met in a shoe store. I heard him asking for a shoe that could increase his speed and not leave any tracks. | |
| Michael, isn’t that Holly? |  |
| We’re just friends. approaches Holly and AJ Hey, hey, wait a second. Who let you in here, is what I want to know. | |
| Oh no, I see they’re letting just anybody in here. |  |
| Mmhmm. Yeah, that’s right. | |
| All right. | |
| All right. Mmhmm. both start laughing and hug Hey. | |
| Hi. You remember AJ, my boyfriend? | |
| A little bit. Uh, I meet a lot of people. | |
| Hey Michael. |  |
| Hey. hugs AJ a little too forcefully Arrggh. So would you guys like some lemonade? Or one of you? Or both of you? Either or. The combinations are endless. | |
| Lemonade sounds great. | |
| Okay. | |
| I’d love an iced tea, actually. | |
| You can go to hell. laughs I’m kidding. Um, sure, I will get you the best iced tea in the world. | |
| I lied to Kevin. Holly and I can never be just friends. I wrote down a list of bullet points why Holly and I should be together, and I’m going to find the perfect moment today and I am going to tell her. Number one: “Holly, you and I are soup snakes.” The-and the reason is… because… in terms of the soup, we like to- that doesn’t make any sense. We’re soul mates. Holly and I are soul mates. | |
 | Jim. Pam. | |
| Hey, how are you? | |
| Hey Charles. | |
| Nice day, huh? | |
| Yeah. | |
| Must be nice to get a rest from all your rest. walks away | |
| I don’t get it. He’s not even my boss anymore. | |
| Do you want me to beat him up for you? | |
| No, I shouldn’t have to ask you to do stuff like that. You should just do it. | |
| Listen up everyone! I’ve gone over this lineup very carefully. We cannot forget the humiliation we suffered last year at the softball game with Jim’s whole spider-in-the-mitt incident. Right? | |
| Well, I could’ve died, so… I looked it up online afterwards. | |
| Erin, back row. Ryan, you move up a row! | |
 | Bro-migo, you think you could put Erin on my row? | |
| Why? I don’t understand. | |
| If- | |
| Woah, woah, woah. W-w-wait a minute. I get it. You want her to set you up so you can spike it. | |
| Uh… laughs sheepishly | |
| I’ll tell you what, I’m gonna do you one better. I’m gonna put you next to Phyllis. She is the best setter on the team. | |
| That’s… | |
| Sly dog. | |
| … not what I meant. | |
| Come on, folks! | |
| What is up with you two, Holly? | |
| Um, not much. | |
| We’re designing a house. | |
| Cool. For who? | |
| For us. | |
| Wow… I’m designing a chair. It’s part of your pants. You sit down, you’re supported. | |
| I remember your chair pants idea. laughs | |
| I like that. Put me down for a pair. I’m a size 34 waist. | |
| All right, fatty. I will do it. You know what, we should actually rehearse. | |
| Okay, yeah. | |
| You guys are really gonna do this? | |
| You bet your fat ass we are. | |
| Well, in his infinite wisdom, David Wallace has authorized us to put on a little presentation about the history of Dunder Mifflin. | |
| Yep, the old comedy team is back together again. | |
| That’s right. | |
| in a New York accent Have ya hoyd the news? Extry! Extry! Read all about it! | |
| Newspapers for sale! | |
| playing volleyball, yelling at Erin, who hit the ball out of bounds Are you blind?! Are you blind?! turns attention to a man on the other team Sir, with the glasses, are you literally blind? I’m concerned you might be in danger. | |
Man | These are expensive Ray-Bans, jackass. | |
| Okay, I was just looking out for you. to Erin You’re doing great, by the way. | |
| Thanks. | |
| playing volleyball I got it. Kevin misses | |
| Ohh! Oh, Kevin! Come on! | |
| Are you blind?! | |
| I could’ve gotten that, idiot! | |
| Can you see things with your eyeballs?! | |
| It’s not a sledgehammer! Come on, people! We need to get our heads in the game! Let’s focus! Come on, you’re better than this! I am better than this! Phyllis, why are you sitting on the ground?! | |
| We’ve been out here for a while. I don’t need this. |  |
| grunts in frustration | |
| playing volleyball, Ryan hits the ball away, not paying attention to the game Oh come- Ryan, come on, man! W-w-wait. Net. Net. Her hand’s on the net. | |
| Rule violation. Ball is ours. Give it to me. Our point. Okay. Hey, Pam, how ya doin? Hey, do you know if you’re right-handed or left-handed? Or do you even know? What hand do you use to answer the phone? | |
| Back off, Dwight. serves Hyuh! the opposing team misses the ball, the Scranton team cheers What? | |
| Maybe I played a little in junior high… and in high school… maybe a little in college… and went to volleyball camp most summers. | |
| serves Hyuh! other team misses and Scranton cheers Well, look at that, we win! | |
| Nice job, Beesly. | |
| Yes! We advance to the next round! | |
| Oh, Lord in heaven. | |
 | to Phyllis Had to be part of the group. laughs | |
| I brought some snacky snacks, in case we get hungry. | |
| Ooh, yes please. takes a bite Mmm. So what do you have planned for us today? Hmm? | |
| watching her eat What? | |
| Do you have a script for the sketch, or… | |
| Um, no, I just thought we’d wing it. That cool? | |
| Crystal cool. | |
| playing volleyball Hit it Andy! | |
| Bump! I bumped it! | |
| Set! | |
| Don’t set it to yourself! | |
| Pam saves the play and Scranton cheers Yeah! | |
| Ow, my ankle! | |
| What happened? | |
| I… twisted it. | |
| You weren’t even moving. Phyllis leaves the court Okay, sub! | |
 | I can play. | |
| Is there a… Meredith here? | |
 | Yeah! Man in! | |
| Rolph, did you not hear me? | |
| I don’t hear cheaters, tramps, or women who break my friend’s heart. Let’s go! | |
| We could do a movie… sort of thing. | |
| gasps We could do Back to the Future. | |
| Oh! | |
| We have to convince Dunder and Mifflin to go back in time… fix their parents. both laugh | |
| Could we get a Delorean? | |
| Jaws. They swim in the ocean and they terrorize the whole community. | |
| Oh! to the theme of “Jaws” Dun-der. Dun-der… | |
| Dun-der. Dun-der… | |
| Dun-der. Dun-der. Dun-der. Dun-der. Blooo!! both laugh | |
| Oh… We haven’t found our great idea yet. | |
| No. No. | |
| Oh. | |
| We’re circling it. | |
| Hmm… | |
| playing volleyball, Scranton wins another game Nicely done. We’re still going to crush you though! |  |
| Yes we are! | |
| You suckers are goin down! They’re gonna wipe their asses with your serves! Piss all over your faces! | |
| Okay, Rolph! Woah. Wait, wait- shouts of disapproval | |
| It’s true! | |
 | Ah, this reminds me of the HR convention last fall. | |
| Oh yeah, with Bernie and Efrem. That was hilarious. | Kendall |
| Really, really funny. | |
| Listen guys, one more point and we play corporate. they get the last point, Jim and Dwight hug | |
| Settle down gentlemen. |  |
| Good game! | |
| Welcome to the 43rd Annual Company Picnic, everybody. Thanks for being here. Now, a couple of employees have volunteered to entertain us with a song. | |
| shouts from behind the trees Uh, it’s a sketch now. | |
| Okay, introducing Scranton’s Michael Scott performing with Nashua’s Holly Flax! I have not seen this. applause | |
| And now, presenting… | |
| SlumDunder Mifflinaire! laughter | Both |
| imitates Who Wants To Be a Millionaire theme music as both sit in folding chairs | |
| Are you ready to play SlumDunder Mifflinaire? | |
| Yes, I am. | |
| For one hundred dollars, where did Dunder meet Mifflin? A.) On easy street, B.) a tour of Dartmouth College, C.) they never met, D.) brushing their teeth? | |
| Ohh, I’m thinking… I’m going to say… B, tour of Dartmouth College. | |
| That is correct! both run to another side of the stage, acting out a different scene How did you know that?! pantomimes electrocuting Michael | |
| screams Ahhhh!! Ohhh!! Ahhh!! I was there! Ahhh!! I was a tour guide at Dartmouth College!! Noooo!!! | |
| now pretending to be Dunder and Mifflin Nice campus. Think you’ll get in? | |
| Yeah, I’m definitely getting in. I’m a shoo-in. | |
| I’m Robert Dunder. | |
| I’m Robert Mifflin. pause to see audience’s response Ah, okay. both run back to chairs | |
| Robert Mifflin had a great life. But unfortunately, had undiagnosed depression, which over nine million Americans suffer from and is very treatable. For two hundred and fifty dollars, how did he kill himself? A.) A rope, B.) a knife, C.) a gun, D.) brushing his teeth! | |
| Two hundred and fifty dollars is more money than I’ve ever seen in my life. I will say, C, a gun. He shot himself in the head. | |
| That is correct! | |
| Yes! | |
| I usually don’t enjoy the theater, but this is delightful. | |
| The economic downturn has been difficult recently, forcing the closures of both Camden and Yonkers, to be followed soon by what other branch? For five-hundred thousand dollars, is it A.) Scranton, B.) Buffalo, C.) Utica, or D.) toothbrush! | |
| I will say B, Buffalo! Final answer! | |
| That is correct! | |
| over crowd of murmurs What is he talking about? | Man from Buffalo |
| pantomimes biting off Michael’s fingers, Michael screams How did you know that?! | |
| David Wallace told me!! | |
Woman from Buffalo | David, is this true? | |
| Uh, okay everyone, we’re at a picnic today… | |
Man from Buffalo | Are we losing our jobs or not, David? | |
| They didn’t know? | |
| whispers I guess not. | |
| I’m sorry, this certainly wasn’t the time or the place to announce this sort of thing, but there have been talks about closing the Buffalo branch. | |
| We’re- we’re closing the Buffalo branch. | |
Man from Buffalo | over shouts of protest You’ve got to be kidding me! You’ve got to be kidding me! We’re the best branch in the company! I can’t believe it. Michael and Holly bow | |
| How could you possibly think that the right way to announce a branch closing was in a comedy sketch at the company picnic? | |
| Well… I didn’t know they didn’t know. | |
| What about the fact that they’re here today? What about that? That didn’t throw up any alarms? No, Michael needed a little bit for his comedy sketch, and he thought, “oh, this would be really funny.” | |
| Thank you. | |
| Damn it, Michael, I told you that in confidence. Now I have to go over and deal with these employees and their families. A little boy just walked up to me and said, “is my daddy gonna have a job by Christmas?” | |
| Well, he’s just thinking about his own gifts. | |
| Maybe we shouldn’t play due to the circumstances. | |
| Hey, people need volleyball now more than ever. | |
| How do you figure? | |
| Because if we don’t play, then the other team wins. | |
| Dwight’s right. Corporate deserves to get its ass kicked. | |
| Let’s do this. | |
| playing volleyball Jim, come on! Jim scores a point, Scranton cheers | |
| Look who just woke up! laughs, scores a point on the next play I’ve been up for a while. | |
| It’s six to six. It’s a nail-biter. ball hits Kevin | |
| Kevin! Now it’s seven-six, or is that too much accounting for you? | |
| Here’s an accounting question for you: what does one fiance plus one lover equal? Answer: one whore. | |
| Okay, knock it off, Rolph. | |
| What? She is sitting there, casting aspersions- | |
| Rolph, please. I am asking nicely- | |
| No way! You don’t mean that! | |
| Rolph, leave it alone! | |
| hits the ball over the net and scores a point Yeah! Boo-yah! | |
| running for the ball I got it! | |
| Pam! | |
| falls Oof! | |
| You all right? | |
| Yep. No, no, no, I’m fine. | |
| You sure? | |
| Yeah. | |
| Hey, easy, easy… | |
| Woah, woah, woah, woah, you wanna get that looked at. | |
| No, no, it’s fine. Just gimme a second. | |
| I don’t know. You know, this is a company picnic, so technically that is a company injury, you know? Safest thing to do is get that examined, right David? | |
| Yeah. | |
| All right, you know what? You’re just trying to get rid of our best player. | |
| Oh, Jim, you’re putting a volleyball game in front of your fiance’s health. | |
| No, uh- | |
| Look, seriously, I can move it fine. Come on, let’s go, it’s our ball. Let’s go! | |
| Yeah, I don’t think we can let you play with that foot. | |
| whispering Tell you what. I spotted a small hospital a few kilometers south of here. Get her back as soon as possible. I’ll stall ’em. | |
| I guess that’s it for you, Jim. | |
| All right, you know what? picks Pam up and carries her off the court Let’s do this. | |
| We’ll be back! | |
| Oh man, I am so mad that Pam got hurt! Argh!! Rrrraah!!! kicks volleyball into the woods, calmly I’ll get it. walks slowly toward the woods | |
| Probably shouldn’t have mentioned Buffalo. | |
| Hindsight. | |
| Should’ve had hindsight. | |
| How do you think it went before the Buffalo thing? | |
| I think it went well. I think it was good. | |
| There weren’t any laughs. | |
| No, it was a tough audience. | |
| Yeah, but we wrote it specifically for this audience. | |
| Believe me, I have seen a lot of tough audiences in my time, and that was one of them. | |
| Well, I’m glad we did it. | |
| Me too. long pause We have a lot of good material for next year’s sketch. | |
| I can’t wait. | |
| on the phone Yeah, she’s with the nurse right now, so you’ll have to stall a little longer… No, don’t send in the subs yet… Dwight, I don’t know. Think of something! | |
| To be safe, we should do an x-ray. | Nurse |
| How long will that take? | |
| Oh, shouldn’t be too bad, it’s a slow day. So, no other radiation this year, no metal plates, no chance you’re pregnant… | Nurse |
| I’m sorry, can we just hurry this up? I’ve got a game to get back to. | |
| Oh good, because my next question was “do you have a game to get back to.” | Nurse |
| What’d you think? | |
| I loved it. You know, there was a part near the end that seemed like that went on a little long, but… | |
| Well you guys should hit the road before… I close down another branch. | |
| laughs Okay. So good to see you. | |
| Good to see you. they hug AJ. | |
| Michael. they shake hands | |
| I didn’t find a perfect moment, because I think that today was just about just having today. And I think that we are one of those couples with a long story, when people ask how they found each other. I will see her every now and then, and… Maybe one year she’ll be with somebody, and the next year, I’ll be with somebody, and it’s gonna take a long time… And then it’s perfect. I’m in no rush. | |
| Dwight, come on now, it’s time to put in the subs. | |
| Yeah, it looks like Pam won’t make it back. Okay? | |
| Okay. Fine. | |
| All right! Come on. | |
| Except, you know what? It’s not fine. How many people need to get hurt before we learn a valuable lesson? One? Two? Three? Four? | |
| Dwight. | |
| No, no, hear me out. Five? Six? | |
| Dwight. | |
| Seven? Can I finish please? | |
| Okay. | |
| Eight? | |
| on the phone Oh, Dwight, we’re so close! Just buy us a few more minutes… Well, they just called me in for an update, so I’ll call you right back… Okay… Okay, great. goes into a private room where Pam and the doctor are, the voices are inaudible, but the camera can see through a window, Pam and Jim look in shock, they hug and Jim goes back out into the hall to call Dwight back, trembling Hey, Dwight, uh… send in the subs! laughs Ohh! goes back into the room to hug Pam | |