Blood Drive - The Office (Season 5, Episode 18)
Michael is depressed - it's the first Valentine's Day since he and Holly broke up. There's a mobile blood drive at the office and Michael donates blood. While donating blood, Michael has a nice conversation with a female donor laying next to him.
They both finish at around the same time, but Michael passes out because he hasn't eaten for three days - he's been nervous about giving blood. By the time he wakes up, she is gone except for a glove he assumes she left behind. He takes it, hoping she will come back for it.
Michael goes back into the office and gathers all the single employees in the conference room to discuss their own personal romantic dilemmas. Further depressed by their sad dating stories, Michael believes holding a singles mixer will lift lift their spirits. He puts up
flyers which also advertise the finding of a missing glove, hoping his mystery woman will come to the party as a result.
Michael threatens Jim and with banishment because they constantly gaze happily on each other. Phyllis invites them to have lunch with her and Bob Vance, her husband. The meal goes well, but Phyllis and Bob disappear for a while after their food arrives.
Jim and Pam check the bathrooms and hear Phyllis and Bob having sex in the disabled bathroom. Phyllis and Bob finally come back to their table and Jim and Pam lose their appetites and look on in disgust as Phyllis and Bob seductively put food in each other's mouths.
A few outsiders show up at the singles mixer. One of the attendees strikes up a conversation with Dwight, who tries to sell her paper; Dwight becomes angry when she tells him she already has a paper supplier. Another attendee named Lynn talks with Kevin. He's still depressed over his breakup with his Stacy and walks away in shame when he admits it was she who broke it off.
Kevin returns later to apologize to Lynn and admits he gets nervous talking to pretty girls; Lynn is flattered and gives Kevin her e-mail address. The woman who lost her glove never does show up and Michael tells the employees they can go home early but they decide to stay and encourage Michael to leave with them when she doesn't arrive.
Best Funny Quotes From The Office - Blood Drive
Good morning, can I help you?
Yes, I’m from Techstar about a new phone system for you. I was wondering if I could talk to Michael Scott.
I’m sorry, he’s not in right now.
Really? He’s never around when I come by.
They have new phone systems now that can ring directly to a salesman, or someone presses star and they go to accounting, basically 95% of my job. But I’d like to see a machine that puts out candy for everyone. realizing Vending machine.
How about I make an appointment to come back? That way, I know he’ll be here.
That is a great idea.
while leafing through Michael’s appointment book and seeing nothing but free time Um, oh boy, let’s see, he’s really…
approaching Reception Michael Scott, manager. Hi, how are ya?
There he is!
Oh, hi! Great.
Nice to meet you, yeah. Whew! I can assure you we don’t need a new system though. Happy with ours.
coming out from his office Hello, may I help you?
impersonating Fonzie Ayyyy!
running from his desk Ayyyy!
Jim, Pam, Michael and Dwight
Ok. I’m, uh, I’ll be going.
Jim, Pam, Michael and Dwight
laughing What was that?
That was funny.
That was funny. Let’s go do it to somebody else. Ayyyy!
Oh, look at that. Cupids and hearts. Really shoving our faces in it this year. You doin OK, bud?
I miss Stacy.
Yeah, I hear ya. It’s been four months since I was with Holly, and she was way hotter then Stacy. So if you think you’re hurting…
I can’t even imagine.
This is our first and only Valentine’s Day as fiances.
You’re only engaged once. Well present company excluded, but.
Really, Jim? On Cupid’s birthday?
Yeah. Jim leans in for a kiss but Pam turns away She’s fine.
So, I received my first Valentine from a secret admirer. Kelly opens the envelope Roses are red, violets are blue, it’s time for your dental cleaning, and maybe a check-up too.
Oh, wow look at those. How nice for you. Up there, front and center, beautiful. I think they would look better right here. Michael takes the flowers from Pam’s desk and puts them on the ground off to the side They’re very pretty and I wouldn’t want them to fall. Kevin groans
Just about everyone in this office is single right now. Including me. And everyone is experiencing an incredible amount of emotional pain. Especially me, because of my great capacity for emotion, and it is my first Valentine’s Day since Holly, so I think that I am well qualified to understand that these people need to be protected from having love shoved into their faces.
Pam, really, they’re back?
I can’t see them when they’re on the floor
They’re for her to look at, Michael.
Can I have a word with you, Jim?
Yes, let’s have a word.
Yes, um, Jim. Today is a very difficult day for a lot of people in this office.
Oh, I’m sorry.
Yeah. And the sexy looks between you and Pam, the general sexiness, the flowers, it’s creating a bit of a hostile work environment.
I understand that.
So sexy it becomes hostile.
Uh, I actually thought we were keeping it pretty low-key.
Well, if you guys insist on having your own private little love fest–
–that none of us can be a part of–
You can’t be a part of our relationship, Michael.
gesturing Pam to be quiet –then, we, are gonna have our own private Valentine’s Day party.
That sounds fun.
So suck it. Hey everybody, I just invited Jim to suck it, and I am cordially inviting all of you to a special convention, a lonely heart’s convention, this afternoon. Singles only.
Yeah, deal with it Pam!
So we may not have someone in our lives that we love, but we do have each other.
Having trouble finding a vein?
Yup, a little.
Blood Drive Worker
How about now? Dwight untenses his arm
I train my major blood vessels to retract into my body on command. Also, I can retract my penis up into itself. pauses, then nods signaling that he performed the feat
I am about to give blood. The gift of everlasting life, the transfer of my bodily fluids, oh wow, that’s a big needle, that —
You’re gonna need to lie down right over here.
Blood Drive Worker
Hi, I cant talk right now. I’m sorry.
Whew, I’m really nervous.
Yeah, me too.
Yeah, when I get nervous I sort of clam up.
Oh, well, that’s fine.
Whew, it’s better for me just to be quiet, yeah.
Yeah, can I point something out to you?
You’re actually talking a lot.
Sorry, it’s the other thing I do when I get really nervous.
Okay, here we go.
Alright, here we go.
Blood Drive Worker
Oh, God. Michael clears his throat
Blood Drive Worker
Yup, I’m good, whew. Wow, I feel like a human juicebox. Blood Girl laughs Hawaiian blood punch.
Oh, that’s gross.
Type O-Ocean Spray.
God, stop. Stop it.
Hey, why don’t you guys come have lunch with Bob and me? We’ll take all afternoon. whispering Michael is terrified of bob.
What do you think?
I have a lot of work to do this afternoon. Those mines aren’t gonna sweep themselves.
I looked at the bag.
I looked straight at the bag.
That’s not good.
Could you distract me for a second, just talk about things that don’t have blood in them?
Well, ok… bags! Michael is taken aback Alright, that was bad.
That was mean.
A hat with no blood in it?
That is full of soup.
Blood Drive Worker
Whew, wow I was so nervous about this I don’t think I ate for three days. Michael passes out
ccming to Oh my God, how long was I out? Michael looks over where Blood Girl was and sees Hank
Excuse me, waitress, where did the lady go?
Oh. She left.
Blood Drive Worker
OK. Oh, wait a second, wait a second, that’s hers. This is hers, she left her glove. I need her name if I’m gonna return her glove.
I’m sorry sir we can’t give out that information. Michael sighs
Blood Drive Worker
seeing Kelly tear a paper heart in half What are you doing?
I’ll help. Meredith tears the wings off of a Cupid Now it’s just a stupid baby.
It is so nice to go out with another couple.
Anything to get out of that office.
I honestly don’t know how you can work with that jackass, that other jackass, and that new jackass.
He’s talking about Michael, Dwight, and Andy.
Oh yeah, I understood.
Well here we all are. Alone but together. No flowers for us. in a Mexican accent Relationships, we don’t need no stinking relationships. I think we should all go around and tell our worst relationship story, and then get past it, just blow through it, yeah? Kelly, what about Ryan? He treated you pretty terribly, yeah?
Well, his heart was in the right place.
Yeah, but now his heart is in Thailand along with the rest of his body having random sex. Kelly looks hurt Okay, sorry, let’s, who else? Oscar.
I don’t think so.
Come on, I’m sure there’s something you need to get off your chest.
If you wanna just, anything? Are you sure? I’m sure whatever you did it wasn’t your fault. OK well, who else?
Everyone here who’s bowled a 280 please raise your hand. Bob does so
No way, a 280?
Wow, that’s impressive.
Okay. Now everyone here who’s bowled under 70 raise their hand.
Come on, Bob. Raise your hand. Bob does so reluctantly
No. Bob, no. No!
One time. You love bringing up that one time, don’t you?
Yes I do.
Jim uses a 6 pound ball.
That is a lie, that is a lie.
Yes, he bowled 5 frames with this pink sparkly thing until a little girl had to ask for her ball back.
But! That girl must’ve had monstrous hands because the holes fit.
No, you just have little dainty fingers.
Oh yeah. You can always model ladies’ jewelry.
Nobody asked, Bob!
Do you risk telling him how you feel? Do you say something that you can barely admit to yourself?
Oh God, what did you do? I mean, not that I approve of any of it but…
I was stupid, I told him.
Was he in to you in like a gay way?
Moron, if he was there wouldn’t be a story.
He told me he wasn’t gay. everyone groans
I’m not done yet.
Oh my God.
A week later a friend of mine calls me up, and he says “I just saw him in a gay bar in Kansas City.” everybody groans except for Michael who looks pleasantly surprised
Well then it’s a happy ending, because he was gay. You should call him!
My worst breakup was actually two breakups. Two different men. I was in love with both of them and when things went bad they had a duel over me.
Yeah, Dwight and Andy. We were here.
No, this was years ago when I was living in Ohio. John Mark and John David.
Angela, you had two sets of different men actually duel over you?
I guess I have. Huh.
Alright who’s next? Where’s Andy?
He’s on one of his honeymoons.
He made non-refundable deposits on his honeymoons, so he’s just knocking them off one at a time. I think today he’s hot air ballooning and later he’s got a couple’s massage.
My worst breakup was with Stacy. It was a Sunday morning, we were reading the paper, and I said “Oh my God, I think the Eagles could clinch the NFC East!” and she said that we’re done.
You know what guys? I don’t think we need to do this.
You’re right. OK everyone, back to work.
No, no, no, no. I mean have this kind of party. I look around and I see all these beautiful people who are alone on Valentine’s, and I think that there are other single people out there too. We just need to find them. There’s a girl out there for all of us maybe even in this office park. There has to be a way to get all these lonely people together.
A net? a giant net?
No. Not a giant net.
What do you have in mind?
I was thinking maybe like a mixer.
Oh God, that’s a terrible idea.
Old fashioned meet market —
— I don’t think it is.
Lonely people mixing with one another? Breeding? Creating an even lonelier generation? Ha, you’re not allowing natural selection to do its work. Pssh. You’re like the guy who invented the seat belt.
These people need love and I am going to get it for them Who cares if we sell a little bit less paper today? A great boss cares more about the happiness of his employees then anything else. I am going to be cupid, and I am going to shoot my sparrow at unsuspecting victims, and they are going to get hit and say “I’m in love I was hit by cupid’s sparrow.” Funny little bird, but he gets the job done.
Hey. No movement.
Ah, still early.
Eh, its not that early.
sighs So how you holding up?
I’m ok. Feel a little lopsided because of all the blood they took out of my right side.
No. No, I meant about being single today.
Meh, exactly. Eh.
Oh, here we go.
Hello. two women, a blonde and a redhead, enter the office. Michael and Dwight walk towards them and Dwight extends his hand to the redhead
Dwight K. Schrute. Why don’t you introduce me to your little friend? Dwight immediately breaks the handshake with the redhead and turns to the blonde Hi, Dwight.
Babe alert! to the redhead Hello, I’m Michael Scott, welcome to our little shindig.
Oh, hi! I’m Lynn.
Lynn, follow me, come on in. For you we have one of our top people Kevin Malone. Kevin, come out here show your beautiful self.
after a short pause So run with the ball! Run with it, Kev. after another pause Where you from?
I’m from here!
Yeah, OK. Well, he only gets better.
Thank you, Michael.
I can untie any knot. I’m serious. Name a knot, any knot. Go ahead.
You shouldn’t believe everything you hear. In fact, there are many knots that I cannot untie. So where does a woman as charming as yourself find herself employed on a day such as today.
Um, I work at a place that does catalogs for community colleges and small businesses.
You must use a lot of paper.
Oh God tons of it .
What’s the rule about eating when people are in the bathroom?
I think if you ordered hot food you’re allowed to eat.
Oh, damn. Pam looks down at her salad They’ve been in there for like ten minutes.
Look at that. Bob ordered hot food.
Yes. And I think they gave him too many fries.
We should help him out. Jim and Pam each take a French fry, eat it, and then look toward the bathroom
At the Circle Drive-In they show old movies. It’s really cool.
That does sound cool.
I used to go there with my fiance Lynn is taken aback. Before she left me Lynn shows pity. No, I mean, before I left her Lynn looks confused. She left me. Kevin walks away dejected
I think I blew it. It all happened so fast. So… fast.
So, Eric. You mentioned before that you are in tool and dye repair.
Meredith recently had a total hysterectomy, so that’s sort of a repair. Alright, I’ll let you guys talk.
It’s going very well. People are mixing, a lot of hope. Cause that’s what you hate to see, when hope gets crushed. Michael suddenly turns to look at the open entrance door Sorry, thought I heard somebody coming in. Um, so looking at his watch it’s not too late.
…and the kind of discounts we’re talking about are not… hold on – Michael, Why do you keep looking at the front door?
Is somebody after you?
Why do you always go to that? Has anyone ever been after anyone in this office?
Hey, it just takes one!
Nobody’s after me, I just, I met a woman when I was giving blood and I thought she might come by.
You met a woman when you were giving blood? That is so romantic.
It’s not a big deal really, I just, you know met somebody, we hardly talked, I picked up her glove so I was hoping I could give it back to her.
Oh my God, that makes it even more romantic. This is like a modern day Enchanted, it’s like a fairy tale.
She could be your soul mate.
Oh, not likely. 3 billion woman on the planet, most of them live in Asia so the numbers just don’t add up.
She could be.
Believe me its nothing. I hardly even talked to her we just, we were lying there next to each other, I think our blood bags touched.
Aww. Michael grins sheepishly
Here they come.
looking up from her pilfering of Bob’s food What?
No, just kidding. Seriously though, that’s enough.
Well, you should cover it with the broccoli.
Oh great, I have to cover?
Do you think they dined and dashed?
Well they didn’t dine so, yeah, maybe they just dashed.
I thought we were having a nice time.
emerging from the Men’s room Empty.
exiting the Ladies’ room Mine too. Pam and Jim notice the Handicapped stall and walk towards it. Putting their ears to the door they hear Mr. and Mrs. Vance being intimate
Is this the party? everyone turns to Michael wanting to know if this is Blood Girl
Nah. everyone groans and Girl turns around and walks away.
Where were we?
out of breath Bowling.
Yep, that, yeah.
You didn’t eat much there Jimbo.
Oh initially I did.
Want some meat?
Oh sure, a little piece. Ooh, no mushroom though.
Yeah, thank you. As Phyllis enjoys Bob’s meat, Jim and Pam look knowingly into the camera
Hey, I’m sorry we did not have a chance to talk more. I get very nervous talking to pretty girls. Seriously, feel how sweaty my hand is.
That’s really sweaty.
Are you on email?
Oh, yeah. gives Kevin her card
So basically, the greater volume you decide to buy in, the greater discount we can give you.
OK. Blonde stands up to leave
OK, what’s up?
Look, I’m gonna go…
Oh-oh-oh before you go, I’d just love to get a firm commitment on this. You know maybe sign–
Look, we already have a paper supplier.
OK. Well, thanks for wasting my time tonight, idiot. God!
Hey, you don’t deserve her.
Hey, if anybody wants to go…
We can stay a little longer.
Really? everybody signifies their agreement, and Kelly gives Michael a piece of cake Oh, thanks.
Michael, it’s time.
You know what, you guys, you guys can get out I’m gonna soldier on a little bit.
Come on, we’ll all go.
after some encouragement OK.
Four months ago, I dated a woman named Holly and, um, this is actually the first time that I’ve even considered getting back into that arena again. You know what, sometimes it’s not about whether Cinderella gets her slipper back, but it’s about the fact that the prince even picked up the slipper at all. There’s a lot of princesses out there. You know, they have all different sizes and shapes of feet and hands so I think, I think my odds are pretty good.
Pardon me, may I have a chocolate chip cookie? I gave blood earlier and I’m still feeling woozy.
Of course. noticing Stanley’s arm That’s weird. You got a cotton ball and tape and we’ve been using Band-Aids.
Blood Drive Worker
backing out of the bloodmobile I, uh-oh I feel so woozy I just to Phyllis Band-Aids.