The Duel - The Office (Season 5, Episode 12)
Andy still hasn't heard that Angela is having an affair with Dwight. It's been seventeen days since Phyllis revealed it to everyone else. Michael suggests that he should be the one to tell Andy... but everyone else says that Angela should be the one
to break the news to Andy. Jim is especially worried that Andy's past anger management issues may lead to violence. Dwight even tries to convince Angela to tell Andy, but she continues to put it off... while claiming to Dwight that she loves him.
Michael, just before he leaves for a meeting with David Wallace tells Andy the secret. Andy is shocked and confronts Angela who reluctantly confirms the affair. She also tells Andy that she loves him, and then Andy realizes that everybody else
in the office already knew about it.
Andy soon confronts Dwight and challenges him to a "duel" in the parking lot. Angela will be the winner's prize. Dwight accepts says she will honor the results of the duel. Jim, in Michael's absense and acting as the office manager, tries to talk
them out of the duel. He then goes around the office and and confiscates all of Dwight's hidden weapons. He does concede that he doesn't have the power to prevent a fight in the parking lot.
In New York, Michael is nervous about why David Wallace wants to meet with him. But, David tells him Scranton is the most successful Dunder Mifflin branch and he wants to learn what Michael is doing right. Michael loves the compliment and the attention, but
can't manage to come up with a coherent list of things that would satisfy David's curiosity.
Back in the parking lot, Dwight is waiting for Andy who has not shown up for the duel. Dwight notices deliberately long note hanging in the bushes saying that Andy has given up... but as Dwight is reading it, Andy sneaks up behind him in his Toyota Prius
and crushes him into the bushes. Dwight, with nothing but his belt, whips the car and antagonizes Andy.
The two bicker back and forth about Angela and Andy reveals that he has had sex with Angela only once. But that only once, is more than Dwight thought they had done. Realizing that they've both been played by Angela, Dwight and Andy both admit defeat and
return to the office. Andy Andy calls to cancel his wedding cake and Dwight throws away a bobblehead doll Angela previously bought him as a gift. Angela, realizes she has lost both of them.
Best Funny Quotes From The Office - The Duel
answering the phone Dunder Mifflin, this is Pam. I’m sorry, he’s not in yet. Would you like his voicemail?
heard yelling from the street Yeah! Yeah! Yeah, okay! Twelve miles an hour. Eat that, Carl Lewis!
Angela made several 911 calls about cars going too fast in front of the building, so the police put up a radar gun. It’s actually caused a bit of a traffic hazard.
yelling as he runs past the radar gun Aah!
No. No, no. There was wind.
I was just jogging.
Dwight, there was wind. I want a do-over.
No, no, no, it’s not your turn. All right, thirteen is the new number. Oscar, go ahead.
I want another try. Here we go! Michael runs past the radar as a car passes Thirty-one! Thirty-one!
There was a car.
I was ahead of the car. Thirty-one is my new number.
Thirty-one is humanly impossible.
Go, Oscar. Thirty-one’s my number.
Today’s a big day. My presence has been requested by in an authoritative voice Chief Financial Officer, David Wallace. in normal voice He says that he wants to talk about big picture stuff. And, I’ll be honest, I have little or no idea what that means, so… probably bad.
Quick announcement: new year, new candy.
Okay, be careful, Kevin. They’re kind of spicy.
So, maybe just try one at first, and then if it’s okay, have a couple more…
entering the office Excuse me, everyone, can I have the floor please? Um, this is insanely awkward. It’s kind of the elephant in the room, so I’ll just… sighs No one has RSVP’ed to our wedding yet, and the deadline was yesterday.
Wait, you still don’t know…
getting up quickly to silence Michael No, no. Nope.
You still don’t know.
Why don’t… Let’s…
to Jim What are you doing?
How about we just… Just have to talk to you for a second…
Ahh! ushers Michael into his office
No, no one has RSVP’ed, and I don’t understand it, and now, you’re shutting me out. You’re not even listening. That’s really considerate. Thank you.
from inside his office No, what I’m saying is…
No, that’s not it.
Andy still doesn’t know that Angela’s having an affair with Dwight. And it’s been seventeen days. I mean, eventually he’ll figure it out, when their kids have giant heads and beet-stained teeth. But right now it’s just… awkward.
sighs How can he still not know?
We can’t figure that out.
I can’t take it anymore.
Wait, what? You can’t take what?
I am telling Andy.
No. You can’t do that. It shouldn’t come from you.
Who should it come from, then?
to Dwight Are you still having intercourse with her? Dwight’s expression implies ‘yes’
What is wrong with you? She is engaged.
Did you ever have intercourse in this office? Dwight’s expression implies ‘yes’
Are you serious? Ugh. Where? Dwight stares at Oscar; more forcefully Where? Dwight’s expression implies ‘at your desk’; Oscar’s voice breaks Where, Dwight?
coolly Seems like you already know where.
Kevin, you screwed this form up again. The amount owed goes at the top.
Oh, I’m sorry. I didn’t realize I was doing something wrong. If I had, I would’ve admitted it, and stopped right away.
Because I wouldn’t want an innocent person, who doesn’t know anything about the form… Angela puts headphones on; Kevin looks at Oscar What?
That was good… It’s just, at the end you weren’t saying something that could also apply to the form.
How about, “I’m sorry I did such a whorish job filling out this form?”
There you go.
on the phone That cannot be true! Dwight jumps You’re going to charge me a fee to cut my own cake? Uh, no. No, no, no. What I’m saying is, I want to cut it myself…
whispering to Jim Trade seats with me.
I’ve got a better angle on Pam. I can see everything.
grabs a spoon from Jim’s coffee cup and checks behind him with it I need a soup spoon.
Rule 17: don’t turn your back on bears, men you have wronged, or the dominant turkey during mating season. There are forty rules all Schrute boys must learn before the age of five. sings Learn your rules. You better learn your rules. If you don’t, you’ll be eaten in your sleep. makes chomping sound
moves his bobblehead from one side of his nameplate to the other and clears his throat to get Angela’s attention
What is it?
You’ve got to tell Andy about us.
That is a terrible idea. One of your worst.
Get it over with. Then we don’t have to hide anymore.
You’re expanding on your worst idea.
Do you love me or not?
I’ve already admitted that I do. Why do you keep making me repeat it?
Because you’re engaged to Andy.
When what? clears throat When what?
You know this can’t go on.
What can’t go on?
We have to put an end to this.
Come on. Dwight and Jim follow into Michael’s office
You guys should… be hearing what I’m saying.
This is really not how this is supposed to happen.
Angela said she was going to tell him. She’s just not ready.
When will she be ready?
I don’t know.
Is she crazy in bed?
How so, specifically?
This shouldn’t happen at work.
This shouldn’t be coming from his boss. And we should also consider the fact that that man has an anger issue.
It’s too late.
Well it’s not too late, because you haven’t done anything.
I am already walking.
Michael, once this gets out… I don’t know how it’s going to go down.
Okay, what does that mean?
Might get ugly.
sighs Jim, this has to get out, so we can all deal with it.
But you’re leaving…
to Michael, who opens the door to leave Have a good trip.
Thanks. to Andy Andy?
Walk with me.
Will do, boss-man.
Ohh, I do not have much time… car’s all the way over there, to tell you what I have to tell you. And just bear in mind when I say… say these things, that… are bad things… that you hear… in your ears… this is something that I, if I were you, that I wouldn’t want to hear…
You’re not making any sense.
Well… no, I’m not. So I… I’m not very articulate today, so I’ll just leave it for another time. Another day.
Which will be fine. I am off!
Have a good meeting!
Thank you! gets into his car
through the car window Kick Wallace’s ass!
through the car window Okay. I will… Dwight and Angela are having an affair, so…
I can’t hear you through the glass
rolls down car window Dwight and Angela are having an affair. They’ve been sleeping together for some time. That was the news. I wanted to let you know.
All right. See you later. backs out of the parking space Ahh.
Are you serious?
Yep. drives off
I knew something bad was gonna happen today.
You said that yesterday.
Yeah, my neighbor got murdered.
to Dwight What are you standing for?
If I’m sitting, I can’t disable his neck or his groin.
You’re not going to do anything to his neck or his groin.
If I’m sitting, I don’t have the option to.
Dwight, I’m in charge when Michael’s gone, and I need you to sit…
enters the office and walks to Angela I need to talk to you.
We can talk right here.
I need to talk to you in private.
We’re not listening.
Let’s go to the conference room.
Is it true?
What have you heard?
That you’re sleeping with Dwight.
That doesn’t sound like me.
Is it true?
Andy, I’m engaged to you. I mean, we just signed off on our wedding flowers. Would I have said yes to formal chrysanthemums if I didn’t want to get married? And, we went through all that stuff with our wedding cake…
Just answer the question. Are you sleeping with Dwight?
A little bit.
How long has it been going on?
I don’t know. I mean, we were together, and then he killed sprinkles, and then we stopped, and… I don’t know exactly when we started up again.
Who else knows about it?
quietly Let me think about it… I, um… there… Andy looks over to see everyone watching them
Oh God. Come on!
So listen, Michael, your branch has been doing great lately, and your sales staff is reporting very strong numbers. Out-performing last year, in fact. Um, and I don’t know exactly how to put this, but… what are you doing right?
Utica, Albany, all the other branches are struggling, but your branch is reporting strong numbers. Michael smiles Look, you’re not our most traditional guy, but clearly, something you are doing… is right. And I just, I need to get a sense of what that is.
David, here it is. My philosophy is basically this. And this is something that I live by. And I always have. And I always will. Don’t ever, for any reason, do anything to anyone, for any reason, ever, no matter what. No matter… where. Or who, or who you are with, or, or where you are going, or… or where you’ve been… ever. For any reason, whatsoever.
Sometimes I’ll start a sentence, and I don’t even know where it’s going. I just hope I find it along the way. Like an improv conversation. An improversation.
This is going to sound sort of high-maintenance, but could we have it, like, three degrees cooler in here? I always think better when it’s cooler.
Here’s the thing. Michael is doing something right. And in this economic climate, no method of success can be ignored. It’s not really time for executives to start getting judgmental now. It’s Hail Mary time.
pokes his head in Hey, what say we order up some pasta?
What say we do.
Standard, you know? Nothing fancy.
So like, missionary…
I said nothing fancy.
Do you love him?
I love you.
Why should I believe that?
Andy, we are at a crossroads here. And we can either give in to what people are saying that we’re not good together.
Who says that?
Or, we can prove them wrong. Let’s prove them wrong.
You okay, man?
No. Not at all, actually. But thanks for asking. Appreciate it. You know what? I’d also like to take this opportunity to thank all of you for lying. To my face. And not telling me what’s been going on this entire time.
You are welcome.
Dwight enters Dwight.
Oh good. She broke up with you.
No. It’s over between you two.
Uh, no way. I am not giving up.
You have to.
No I don’t.
forcefully She doesn’t love you. She’s marrying me.
angrier Well I don’t know about that, because she certainly seems to enjoy making lovemaking with me.
Will never be her name.
It will be her name. And you will have to call her that!
I don’t think so.
Hey guys, why don’t we, uh, just cool off a bit?
I’m telling you to back down.
And I’m telling you that I will never back down.
Then I’ll make you.
Oh really? How are you gonna do that?
Through the use of force.
That is very general, and does not scare me in the slightest.
I will fight you.
Okay, fine! Good! A duel! The winner gets Angela.
This is nuts.
What is your weapon?
Okay, you know what? That’s enough. Because…
Hey, this is none of your business.
Hey. It is my business when it happens at work.
Guess what? Not happening at work.
We’re gonna do it outside.
Outside of work.
None of your business.
None of your business then. Dwight and Andy high five Good. So what weapon?
My bare hands.
That is stupid. I will use a sword and I will cut off your bare hands.
Then I’ll get something too.
I’ve had two men fight over me before. Usually it’s over which one gets to hold the camcorder.
Angela, you have to put a stop to this right now.
thinks for a moment I will respect the results of the duel.
Of course you will.
I call loser!
I will be taking my break at 4:00 in the parking lot.
I will also be talking my break at the exact same time and in the same location.
softly What a coincidence.
So, I either get more involved, or I take a sick day… leaving Dwight in charge. Oh God.
collects Dwight’s weapons from around the office; holds up a hand scythe
innocently How’d that get there?
There’s a star-shaped thing taped under the kitchen table.
So I was in the office, and I look over to our Accounting division, and there is Kevin Malone. Kevin is wearing a jacket that I’ve never seen before. And I call over to Kevin, “Kevin, is that a tweed jacket?” And he looks at me and he says, “Michael, yes it is a tweed jacket.” And I look back at him and I say, “I feel the need!… The need for tweed.”
It’s hard to try and evaluate yourself, Michael, but I appreciate you trying. gets up And thanks for coming in.
rises Oh, thank you.
I have to say, I am so impressed with the potential you see in me.
Okay. sits back down to continue eating
opens his office door Yeah, finish up.
shouting Come on! Where are you? Let’s do this thing! Come on! Come on out!
watching from the conference room I can’t believe they’re gonna fight over me.
I guess people have fewer choices as they get older.
Hey, has anything happened yet?
Where are you?
Mm-mm. It’s 4:10, I don’t think he’s gonna show.
Oh come on, man! Believe in something.
Come on, coward! Where are you? Where… spots a note attached to the bushes; goes to read it “From the desk of Andrew Bernard.” scoffs A note. Pathetic. “Dear Dwight, by now you have received my note. How are you? I am well. You are no doubt wondering why I have left this note. It has come to my attention that in any physical match with you, I would surely be bested.” True. “The soft underbelly of my refined upbringing is my soft underbelly…” as Dwight continues to read, Andy drives around the corner very slowly
There’s Andy, he’s in his car. You guys, what is he doing?
Why isn’t Dwight turning around?
The Prius is silent if he keeps it under five miles per hour. He deserves the win.
still reading Alas, after much consideration and deliberation…
Oh my God!
Andy’s running over Dwight with his car.
Whoa! What are you! Hey! Hey!
Come on! Ow! Ah! Aah!
You give up?
Never! hits Andy’s car with his bike chain Get out and face me like a man!
I am a man! I’m a bigger man than you’ll ever be! I would never sleep with another man’s fiance!
You’re not a man! You don’t know how to take care of her! hits his car with the bike chain All you do is dress fancy and sing. imitating Andy “La la la la la la la la la la!” What does that mean? You can’t even protect her!
Protect her from what? Bears, you idiot? When’s the last time you saw a damn bear in Scranton?
Last year, idiot! hits his car with the bike chain
Dwight! Are your legs broken?
No. My right one’s falling asleep a little bit.
Andy, are you all right?
Go away, Tuna! I’m winning this!
Yeah, back off. This isn’t your fight. Oh, how much is this gonna cost? hits his car with the bike chain Oh! What? Trust fund will take care of that! hits his car with the bike chain
What did you say? I’m sorry, I couldn’t hear you.
I sa- Andy honks his horn
What? You stupid idiot! Andy honks his horn You’re like, you’re like a Sasquatch! You live in the woods…
Sasquatches are the strongest animal on the planet! So fine, call me a Sasquatch!
I don’t get it! How can she be sleeping with you this whole time and only sleep with me twice?
She’s sleeping with you?
I’m her fiance.
She said she was only sleeping with me.
enters, followed by Dwight, and makes a call Yes, hi, my last name is Bernard, and I would like to cancel a wedding cake that I had ordered. B-E-R, N-A, R-D. Yeah, the one shaped like a sailboat… Yep, that’s the one.
picks up his bobblehead and throws it in the trash can
Thank you. hangs up
Wow, what a day! Haha! I thought I was gong to get chewed out, but, hold on! Here’s an attaboy for ya! What? Rollercoaster ride! Rollercoaster! It just goes to show, you leave Scranton, exciting things can happen. sighs Ahh!
as Jim is collecting weapons, runs to the couch near reception and pulls out a crossbow; Jim catches him and he hands it over