The Alliance - The Office (Season 1, Episode 4)

Concerned about the downsizing rumors, Dwight stalks Michael outside of the bathroom. When a straight answer can't be given, Dwight moves the water cooler next to his desk so he can hear any and all rumors.

To bring up morale, Michael decides to throw a birthday party for Meredith. She had the closest birthday. Michael tells the women of the office to plan it.

Meanwhile, Dwight tries to recruit Jim to form an alliance against the downsizing. Jim agrees, but in reality he will use this as a way to play another prank on Dwight.

Michael gets a card with a picture of a bird on it that says "Happy Bird-Day". He plans on writing the funniest thing ever for Meredith. It will also help with morale.

To manipulate Dwight and arouse his suspicions, Jim tells him that Toby and Kevin were conspiring in the breakroom. Dwight takes the bait and thinks they are an alliance. Jim tells him that everyone in the office is a part of an alliance.

To further mess with his head, (he did take the big client from behind Jim's back), Jim tells Dwight that there will be an "alliance meeting" in the warehouse while Meredith's party is happening upstairs. So Jim gets Dwight to hide in a box and wait for the meeting. Jim goes to the party.

Meredith is very surprised about the party, but is pissy because everyone is enjoying the cake except for her, she's allergic.

The party breaks up as Michael tries to lighten the mood by telling jokes.

Dwight, who is afraid of small spaces, can't stand it anymore and jumps out of the box to "scare" some of the warehouse staff.

Best Funny Quotes From The Office - The Alliance

Photo of Dwight Schrute
Michael!?
Oh! God. Dwight, come on…
Photo of Michael Scott
Photo of Dwight Schrute
I wanted to talk to you about the downsizing?
There’s no downsizing.
Photo of Michael Scott
Photo of Dwight Schrute
I, but if there were, I’d be protected as assistant regional manager?
Assistant to the regional manager Dwight.
Photo of Michael Scott
Photo of Dwight Schrute
Yeah, so I don’t have to worry?
Look, look, look. I talked to corporate, about protecting the sales staff. And they said they couldn’t guarantee it if there’s downsizing, okay?
Photo of Michael Scott
Photo of Michael Scott
But there’s no downsizing, so just don’t…
Bottom line. Do I need to be worried?
Photo of Dwight Schrute
Photo of Michael Scott
Mmm, mm, mm. Maybe.

It looks like there’s gonna be downsizing. And it’s part of my job, but… blah! I hate it. I think the main difference between me and Donald Trump is that, uh, I get no pleasure out of saying the words, “You’re fired.” as Donald Trump “You’re foir-ed. Uh, you’re foir-ed.” It just makes people sad, and an office can’t function that way. No way. as Donald Trump “You’re foir-ed.” I think if I had a catchphrase it would be, “You’re hired, and you can work here as long as you want.” But that’s unrealistic, so…
Photo of Michael Scott

Photo of Dwight Schrute
It’s a real shame, ’cause studies have shown that more information gets passed through water-cooler gossip than through official memos. Which puts me at a disadvantage, because I bring my own water to work.

Why’d you do this?
Photo of Stanley Hudson
Photo of Dwight Schrute
I didn’t do it. What do you mean? Oh, the water cooler was brought over here for… maintenance. So what do you guys hear? What’s the scuttlebutt?

Get set for Operation Morale Improvement starring Michael Scott. Now, I think I have had a little stroke of genius in that I have had my assistant Pam… Smile, Pam. I have had her go out and find out whose birthday is coming up, so we can have a little celebration for it. Not bad, not bad at all. All right. And the birthday person is… drum roll please. Here we go, who is the birthday, birthday person?
Photo of Michael Scott
Photo of Michael Scott
Who is it? Who’s the birthday?
Um… Actually, we don’t have any staff birthdays coming up.
Photo of Pam Beesley
Photo of Michael Scott
Next person on the…
Oh.
Photo of Pam Beesley
Photo of Michael Scott
…calendar.
Okay, umm… that would be Meredith.
Photo of Pam Beesley
Photo of Michael Scott
Yes! All right, come on down Meredith!
But it’s not until next month.
Photo of Pam Beesley
Photo of Michael Scott
Um… uh, OK. Well, great, well, you know, it’ll be a surprise.
You still want to have a party?
Photo of Pam Beesley
Photo of Michael Scott
Yeah, why not? Sure. Go ahead, live a little. Come on, Pam. Come on, shake it up. Shake it up! Shake it up!
grabs cell phone off desk Brrrp! Uh, Spock, are there any signs of life down there? Well, let me check Captain. Eeee. Eeee. Eeee. Eeee. No, Captain. No signs of life down here. Just a wet blanket named Pam. Brr-rrrp. Star Trek.
Photo of Michael Scott

Photo of Phyllis
Well, uh, for decorations, maybe we could… it’s stupid, forget it.
What?
Photo of Angela Martin
Photo of Phyllis
I was just going to say, maybe we could have streamers, but that’s dumb, everybody has streamers. Never mind.
No, yeah, I think that’s a good idea.
Photo of Angela Martin
Photo of Phyllis
Yeah?
What color do you guys think?
Photo of Angela Martin
Photo of Phyllis
Well, there’s green, um, blue… yellow… red…
How about green?
Photo of Pam Beesley
Photo of Angela Martin
I think green is kind of whoreish.

This was tough. I suggested we flip a coin. But Angela said she doesn’t like to gamble. Of course by saying that she was gambling that I wouldn’t smack her.
Photo of Pam Beesley

Photo of Michael Scott
These are my party-planning beeyatches. Pulled off an amazing ’80s party last year. Off the hook!
So I was thinking, if you haven’t already got a cake, um, maybe going for one of those ice-cream cakes from Baskin-Robbins. Those are very good. Very Delicious.
Photo of Michael Scott
Photo of Angela Martin
Meredith’s allergic to dairy, so…
She’s not the only one that’s going to be eating it, right? I think everybody likes ice-cream cake. It’s not, uh, it’s not just about her, so…
Photo of Michael Scott
Photo of Pam Beesley
It is… her birthday.
Mint chocolate chip! That’d be good, how about some, mint chocolate chip?
Photo of Michael Scott

Photo of Dwight Schrute
Hey, so listen, I was thinking that it might be a good idea if you and I formed an alliance. ‘Cause of the downsizing? I think an alliance might be a good idea, you know. Help each other out.
Do you want to form, an alliance, with me?
Photo of Dwight Schrute
Photo of Jim Halpert
Absolutely, I do.
Good, good. Excellent, OK. Now we need to figure out who’s vulnerable and who’s protected…
Photo of Dwight Schrute

Photo of Jim Halpert
At that moment, I was so happy. I mean, everything Dwight does annoys me.

Did you get your tickets?
Photo of Dwight Schrute
Photo of Jim Halpert
To what?
The gun show. Rolls up his sleeve and kisses his bicep
Photo of Dwight Schrute

Photo of Jim Halpert
And I spend hours thinking of ways to get back at him, but only in ways that could get me arrested. And then here he comes and he says “No, Jim, here’s a way.”

There’s one other thing and this is important. Let’s keep this alliance totally a secret. Don’t tell anyone.
Photo of Dwight Schrute

Photo of Pam Beesley
An alliance?
Oh yeah.
Photo of Jim Halpert
Photo of Pam Beesley
What does that even mean?
I think it has something to do with Survivor, but I’m not sure.
Photo of Jim Halpert
Photo of Jim Halpert
Um, I know that it involves spying on people and we may build a fort, underground.
Jim! Hey. Hi, Pam. Listen, could I talk to you a second about the… paper products?
Photo of Dwight Schrute

Photo of Dwight Schrute
Did you tell Pam about the alliance?
What? No.
Photo of Jim Halpert
Photo of Dwight Schrute
Just now.
What? Oh no no no. Dwight, no. I’m using her, for the alliance. Who knows the most information about this office? Pam.
Photo of Jim Halpert
Photo of Dwight Schrute
Right, that’s good, good, pursue this.
Well I’m trying to. Do you see what I’m doing?
Photo of Jim Halpert
Photo of Dwight Schrute
Mmm hmm.
But listen, I’m going to have to talk to her a lot. All right? And there may be chatting, and giggling. And you gotta just pretend to ignore it. Wipe it away.
Photo of Jim Halpert
Photo of Dwight Schrute
Done.
All right.
Photo of Jim Halpert

Photo of Michael Scott
to the camera Can you get her? She’s right there. camera zooms in on Meredith at here desk That is Meredith, the birthday girl. And this… is Meredith’s card. Happy Bird-Day. laughs Um, let’s see. Jim, Jim wrote, “Meredith, I heard you’re turning 46, but, come on, you’re an accountant. Just fudge the numbers.” Not bad, pretty funny, I don’t appreciate condoning corporate fraud though. Uh, here’s the thing. Whatever I write here has to be really, really funny. Because people out there are expecting it. I’ve already set the bar really high. And they’re all worried about their jobs, you know. It’s kinda dark out there. Can you imagine if I wrote something like, uh, “Oh, Meredith. Happy Birthday. You’re great. Love, Michael.” pretends to vomit and laughs

They seem awfully chummy, don’t you think?
Photo of Dwight Schrute
Photo of Jim Halpert
Yeah, what do you think that’s about?
Only one way to find out.
Photo of Dwight Schrute
Photo of Jim Halpert
I’m on it.

You are not going to believe this.
Photo of Jim Halpert
Photo of Dwight Schrute
What? I believe it.
Well, tensions were high in the kitchen.
Photo of Jim Halpert
Photo of Dwight Schrute
I could tell, from the body language.

Hey Kev, that looks good. What is it? Turkey?
Photo of Jim Halpert
Photo of Kevin Malone
Italian.
Oh, Italian. Nice. Wow! You got the works there. Red onion, provolone…
Photo of Jim Halpert
Photo of Kevin Malone
Yeah.

Toby and Kevin, they’re trying to get Angela kicked off.
Photo of Jim Halpert
Photo of Dwight Schrute
Good, let ’em. It helps our cause.
Well, I don’t know, if Kevin’s in accounting, and Toby’s in Human Resources and they’re talking…
Photo of Jim Halpert
Photo of Dwight Schrute
Oh, they’re forming an alliance

I love their sandwiches.
Photo of Toby Flenderson
Photo of Jim Halpert
I love their sandwiches too.
Their bread’s really good.
Photo of Kevin Malone
Photo of Jim Halpert
Their bread is very good.

Damn it. God!
Photo of Dwight Schrute
Photo of Jim Halpert
OK, listen, we need to assume that everyone in the office is forming an alliance and is therefore trying to get us kicked off.
God… Damn it! Why us?
Photo of Dwight Schrute
Photo of Jim Halpert
Because we’re strong, Dwight. Because we’re strong.

staring at birthday card Meredith, Meredith… Meri… Mary had a little lamb. Mary… Meredith had a little lamb. Don’t bring that lamb to work or it’ll poop on the floor.
Photo of Michael Scott
Photo of Michael Scott
Hey, Oscar! Come on in. What’s up?
Uh, I’m sorry to bother you.
Photo of Oscar Martinez
Photo of Michael Scott
Oh, not at all. Come on in. What’s going on?
My nephew is involved with, um, a charity for cerebral palsy, and I was wondering if maybe you’d like to… you know… if…
Photo of Oscar Martinez
Photo of Michael Scott
What?
Donate to the charity?
Photo of Oscar Martinez
Photo of Michael Scott
Oh, God. Of course I would. Get it over here. Get that over here.
Thank you.
Photo of Oscar Martinez
Photo of Michael Scott
No, I’m always good… for some serious buckage. Wow. Two dollars, three dollars? People out here do not care about diseases. I am going to give you… $25.
That’s… that’s… that’s very generous.
Photo of Oscar Martinez
Photo of Michael Scott
Oh, my gosh, well… Listen, Oscar, generosity and togetherness and community all convalescences into… morale. That’s what I say, so…

whispering Hey, Jim, can I talk to you for a second?
Photo of Pam Beesley
Photo of Jim Halpert
Sure, what’s up?
Um, I don’t know, I’m just like, I’m going a little crazy ’cause I keep overhearing all these conversations between Michael and corporate about like, staff issues?
Photo of Pam Beesley
Photo of Jim Halpert
Oh no?
Yeah, he’s making me take notes on these meetings and I’m, like, “These people are my friends.” But he’s all like, “This is confidential. You can’t tell anybody.” But I just feel like I want to… aaah. Just promise me you’re not gonna say anything.
Photo of Pam Beesley
Photo of Jim Halpert
No, will not, I’m not going to tell anybody. This is between you and me.
OK, yeah.
Photo of Pam Beesley
Photo of Dwight Schrute
Jackpot.

That was beautiful. All her idea too. Awesome. She is so great.
Photo of Jim Halpert

Photo of Michael Scott
looking at birthday card Meredith, bad breath. Meredith has bad breath.
Hey, you wanted to see me?
Photo of Dwight Schrute
Photo of Michael Scott
Yeah. What do you know about Meredith?
I don’t think she’d be missed.
Photo of Dwight Schrute
Photo of Michael Scott
There’s not going to be downsizing Dwight, OK? I just, I need to know a little bit more about my friend.
Name, Meredith Palmer. Uh, personal information, divorced twice, two kids. Uh, Employer, Dunder Mifflin Paper Incorporated. Awards, multiple Dundies.
Photo of Dwight Schrute
Photo of Michael Scott
I know all that. I know all that. I just, I need something kind of embarrassing, you know. Kind of fun, inside.
She had a hysterectomy.
Photo of Dwight Schrute
Photo of Michael Scott
laughs Which one is that again?
That’s where they remove the uterus.
Photo of Dwight Schrute
Photo of Michael Scott
Oh God! Dwight, no. I’m trying to write something funny. What am I going to do with a removed uterus?
It could be kind of funny.
Photo of Dwight Schrute
Photo of Michael Scott
You know what, I am on a deadline here, and just… OK. Thanks, thanks for your help. I’ll work it out. Thank you Dwight. That was a waste of time.

OK, here’s the deal. All right? Pam says that one of the alliances is meeting in the warehouse during Meredith’s birthday.
Photo of Jim Halpert
Photo of Dwight Schrute
Oh my God, we have to be there.
I know, but it’s gonna be a little tough because there’s no good place to hide there.
Photo of Jim Halpert
Photo of Dwight Schrute
No no, yes there is. Behind the shelves. Oh my God.
What? What?
Photo of Jim Halpert
Photo of Dwight Schrute
I know. I know exactly what to do.
gives Dwight a high five Great.
Photo of Jim Halpert

Photo of Dwight Schrute
I’m a deer hunter. I go all the time with my dad. One thing about deer, they have very good vision. One thing about me, I am better at hiding than they are… at vision.

This is going to be perfect, OK? Centrally located. Perfect cover. I can hear and see everything.
Photo of Dwight Schrute
Photo of Jim Halpert
Good.

Michael? Are you done yet?
Photo of Ryan
Photo of Michael Scott
Almost there. Just a sec. Just a second. It is perfect, thank you. Excellent, here we go. It is time, thank you. OK, come on. Let’s go! Get the cake. Here we go. Come on! Shhh. Be quiet.

Wait, this isn’t gonna work. The lid’s open.
Photo of Jim Halpert
Photo of Dwight Schrute
So tape it down.
I can’t do that. You won’t be able to breathe.
Photo of Jim Halpert
Photo of Dwight Schrute
Look, I can breathe just fine. OK, but if it makes you feel better, I’ll poke holes in the box.
Thank you, thank you. OK.
Photo of Jim Halpert

Photo of Everybody
Surprise!
Oh! Surprise.
Photo of Meredith Palmer
Photo of Angela Martin
No, it’s ah…
It’s surprise Meredith. One, two…
Photo of Michael Scott
Photo of Everybody
tunelessly Happy birthday to you.
Find a key.
Photo of Michael Scott
Photo of Everybody
Happy birthday…

So do you want me to stay here and, you know, stand next to the box?
Photo of Jim Halpert
Photo of Dwight Schrute
No, you need to go upstairs to the party so people don’t notice we’re both gone.
Right… That’s good.
Photo of Jim Halpert

Photo of Dwight Schrute
Can I trust Jim? I don’t know. Do I have a choice? No, frankly, I don’t. Will I trust Jim? Yes. Should I trust Jim? You tell me.

singing … birthday, dear Meredith Happy birthday to you…
Photo of Everybody
Photo of Michael Scott
And many more!

Last year, five years ago…
Photo of Stanley Hudson
Photo of Michael Scott
You were surprised, weren’t you?
Yes.
Photo of Meredith Palmer
Photo of Michael Scott
You looked freaked, man. We said “Surprise.” You were, like, “What?” “What the hell’s goin’ on here?” Good cake. Why don’t you have some?
Uh, I can’t. Um…
Photo of Meredith Palmer
Photo of Michael Scott
Come on. A little bit.
I can’t eat dairy.
Photo of Meredith Palmer
Photo of Michael Scott
Oh, right. God, too bad. It’s so good.
Yeah, it makes me sick.
Photo of Meredith Palmer
Photo of Michael Scott
You know what? If I were allergic to dairy, I think I’d kill myself. ‘Cause this is way, way too good.

He’s in a box?
Photo of Pam Beesley
Photo of Jim Halpert
Pam, he’s in a box. He’s downstairs, in a box, on the floor, near the shelves. I’m serious. Go down there and work your magic.

on her cell phone Hey where are you? Yeah, we were supposed to meet here. What? Oh my gosh! That ties in perfectly with something that Michael was telling me earlier! I just don’t know what some of the people in, like, accounting are going to do? It said specifically that…
Photo of Pam Beesley
Photo of Dwight Schrute
box falls over Oh.

Jim, good party, huh? Just a little something I whipped up. You know, a little morale boost. No big deal.
Photo of Michael Scott
Photo of Jim Halpert
Speaking of which, I meant to tell you. Very impressive, the uh, donation you gave to Oscar’s charity. What was it? 25 bucks?
Well, you know, money isn’t everything Jim. It’s not the key to happiness. You know what is? Joy. You should remember that. Maybe you’ll give more than three dollars next time.
Photo of Michael Scott
Photo of Jim Halpert
Yeah, well, three dollars a mile. It’s gonna end up being like 50 bucks. So… God, I can’t even calculate what you’re gonna have to give.
Is Oscar around?
Photo of Michael Scott

Photo of Michael Scott
I just thought it was kind of a flat, you know… 25 dollar, one-time donation. I didn’t think it was per mile kinda deal. You know, so…
Well, that’s what a walk-a-thon is.
Photo of Oscar Martinez
Photo of Michael Scott
I know…
It says it right on the sheet. Look, look at the sheet. It says, “However many dollars per mile.”
Photo of Oscar Martinez
Photo of Michael Scott
Right. Got it. Yes. So it does. Um…
I just think it’s kind of cheap to un-donate money to a charity.
Photo of Oscar Martinez
Photo of Michael Scott
No, no, no, no, no. That wasn’t what I wasn’t, that wasn’t… No. It-it-it’s not about the money. It’s just… it… it’s the ethics of the thing, Oscar. How’s your nephew? Is he in good shape?
Yeah.
Photo of Oscar Martinez
Photo of Michael Scott
How many miles did he do last year?
Last year, he walked 18 miles.
Photo of Oscar Martinez
Photo of Michael Scott
Son of a bitch. That is impressive.

Happy Birthday. gives Meredith her card
Photo of Pam Beesley
Photo of Michael Scott
Read it out loud. And say who wrote everything so we know whose is the best.
“Happy Bird-day” Um… “Meredith, good news. You’re not actually a year older because you work here, where time stands still.”
Photo of Meredith Palmer
Photo of Michael Scott
under his breath I don’t know about that.
That was Stanley. “Meredith, happy birthday, you’re the best. Love, Pam.”
Photo of Meredith Palmer
Photo of Michael Scott
pretends to vomit Huh! Thanks, downer.
This is from Michael. “Meredith, let’s hope the only downsizing that happens to you is that someone downsizes your age.”
Photo of Meredith Palmer
Photo of Michael Scott
Because of the downsizing. Rumors. And because you’re gettin’ old.
No, I… I get it. It’s funny.
Photo of Meredith Palmer
Photo of Michael Scott
laughs You didn’t get the joke. So, that’s cool. That’s, you know what? Actually… I have a bunch of these, good ones, that I didn’t use. Um… Oh, where’s that? Oh, OK, here’s a good one. Um… “Hey Meredith, Liz Taylor called, she wants her age back and her divorces back.” ‘Cause Meredith’s been divorced like, twice. Is that right?
You’re right. You’re right. Yes.
Photo of Meredith Palmer
Photo of Michael Scott
Divorce. Um… OK, “Meredith is so old…”
How old is she?
Photo of Oscar Martinez
Photo of Michael Scott
Everybody? If… could do it? “Meredith is so old…”
How old is she?
Photo of Everybody
Photo of Michael Scott
“She’s so old, she went into an antique store and they kept her.”
That wasn’t even mine. I got that off the Internet. Website. Um, don’t get mad at me.
Photo of Michael Scott
Photo of Oscar Martinez
Uh, nice party Michael.
This isn’t my fault. Ladies, not your best effort. The streamers? I think we could have done better than that.
Photo of Michael Scott
Photo of Angela Martin
Phyllis wanted red, I didn’t.
Oh, boy… You…
Photo of Phyllis
Photo of Michael Scott
OK, we… all right. People, hold on, hold on. Just a second. OK, I think we’re losing sight of what is really important here. And that is that we are… a group of people… who work together. I was… I really wasn’t gonna flaunt this. I have made a very sizable donation to Oscar’s nephew’s… walkathon. $25.
Per mile.
Photo of Oscar Martinez
Photo of Michael Scott
Per mile, yes.

When I retire, I… don’t want to just disappear to an island somewhere. I wanna be the guy who gives everything back.
Photo of Michael Scott

Photo of Michael Scott
A check for the kids, and for the team.

I want it to be like… “Hey, who donated that hospital wing that is saving so many lives?” “Um, well, I don’t, I don’t know. It was anonymous.” “Well, guess what, whispering that was Michael Scott.” “But it was anonymous, how do you know?” “Because I’m him.”
Photo of Michael Scott

Photo of Oscar Martinez
Thank you, Michael.
Come here. hugs Oscar and In a low voice Don’t cash that till Friday, OK?
Photo of Michael Scott

Photo of Toby Flenderson
Really? Today?
Yeah.
Photo of Ryan
Photo of Toby Flenderson
Oh, Happy Birthday.
Thanks.
Photo of Ryan
Photo of Toby Flenderson
Yeah, I could say something.
No, don’t. Don’t do that.
Photo of Ryan

Photo of Jim Halpert
OK, OK. I have something that totally tops the box.
Oh, tell me, tell me.
Photo of Pam Beesley
Photo of Jim Halpert
OK. I have just convinced Dwight that he needs to go to Stamford and… Pam starts laughing… spy on our other branch. No no no.
But before he does so, I told him that he should dye his hair to go undercover.
Photo of Jim Halpert
Photo of Pam Beesley
laughing That’s perfect!
If we can get him to drive to Connecticut… and put peroxide in his hair…
Photo of Jim Halpert
Photo of Roy
yelling What the hell is this? What are you trying to cop a feel or something? Huh Halpert?
No, no, dude, no.
Photo of Jim Halpert
Photo of Pam Beesley
Hey, Hey!
No, dude, no, I was just, listen! Whoa.
Photo of Jim Halpert
Photo of Pam Beesley
Come on.
God, I don’t even, I don’t even know how to explain this. Uh, um… Dwight, uh, asked me to be in an alliance. And then um… um… we were… we’ve just been messing with him. Uh, because of the whole alliance thing. Um…
Photo of Jim Halpert
Photo of Pam Beesley
It’s just office pranks.
It’s stupid. It’s, it’s just office pranks.
Photo of Jim Halpert
Photo of Roy
looking at Dwight An alliance? What the hell is he talking about?
I have absolutely no idea.
Photo of Dwight Schrute
Photo of Roy
Come on.

Do I feel bad about betraying Jim? Not at all. That’s the game. Convince him we’re in an alliance, get some information, throw him to the wolves.
Photo of Dwight Schrute
Photo of Dwight Schrute
With blonde hair That’s politics baby. Get what you can out of someone, then crush them. I think Jim might have learned a very valuable lesson.

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