The Office Quotes Season 3

Want to duplicate the hilarity of The Office Sitcom in your own office. Try these quotes on for size.

Gay Witch Hunt


Michael: The only signal I'm sending is Gay Good.


Jim: I can't say whether Dunder-Mifflin paper is less flammable, sir. But I can assure you that it is certainly not more flammable.


Michael: (to the camera) You don't call retarded people retards. It's bad taste. You call your friends retards when they are acting retarded. And I consider Oscar a friend.


Oscar: (yelling at Michael) No! No! I don't want to touch you, ever consider that? You are ignorant, and insulting, and small.


Ryan: (to the camera) Yeah, I'm not a temp anymore. I got Jim's old job, which means at my 10 year High School reunion it will not say Ryan Howard is a Temp. It will say Ryan Howard is a Junior Sales Associate at a mid-range paper supply firm. That'll show 'em.


Michael: (to Oscar) Maybe we could go out for a beer sometime and you could tell me (pause) how you do that to another dude.


Michael: (to the camera) The company has made it my responsibility today to but an end to one hundred thousand years of being weired out by gays.


Oscar: I was going to quit but Jan offered me a 3 month paid vacation and a company car. All I had to do was sign something saying I won't sue. Gil and I are going to Europe. Kids, sometimes it pays to be gay.


Read the episode recap for The Office Gay Witch Hunt


The Convention


Michael: I love inside jokes. I hope to be a part of one some day.


Jim: How's Toby?
Michael: Toby Flenderson is everything that is wrong with the paper industry.


Phyllis: (to Pam) You should order the most expensive thing on the menu so he knows you are worth it.
Pam: She laughs.
Stanley: If you do that, you'll have to put out.
Pam: She sends an annoyed look to Stanley.
Phyllis: Well yeah, you'll have to put out.


Michael: (on the phone with Pam) Hey Pam, what's up? Yeah, ugh-- No tell him I will give him general specifics tomorrow.


Jan: I underestimated you Michael.
Michael: Yeah, well maybe next time you'll estimate me.


Ryan: I don't like ketchup.
Kelly: You love ketchup. He loves ketchup. (As she takes to Pam and a blind date feeding Ryan french fries with ketchup)


Jim: You know when I saw Dwight I realized how stupid and petty all those pranks I pulled on him were. And then he spoke. I wonder how hard it would be to get a copy of his room key.


Michael: Jim and I have different definitions of friendship. I thinks it's talking and being friends and Jim thinks its moving to Conneticutt and being best friends with Josh.


Read the episode recap for The Office The Convention


The Coup


Michael: Buisness is like a jungle and I am like a tiger and Dwight is like a monkey that stabs the tiger in the back with a stick. Does the tiger fire the monkey? DOes the tiger transfer the monkey to another branch? Pun. There is no way of knowing what goes on inside the tiger's head. We don't have the technology.



Dwight: Reject a woman and she will never let it go. It's one of the defects of thier kind. Also weak arms.


Pam: I have this little vaccum cleaner that's broken. If Dwight doesn't work out maybe that can be manager.


Karen: Look how cute he is. And he's trying to shoot with a smoke grenade.
Jim: I'm sorry, what are you whipering back there?


Michael: What was Dwight thinking, that he could turn Jan against me? She's my ex-lover-ish.


Amgela: I know that patience and loyality are good and virtuous traits. But sometimes I just think you need to grow a pair.


Read the episode recap for The Office The Coup


Grief Counseling


Dwight: When I die, I want to be frozen. And if they have to freeze me in peices, so be it. I will wake up stronger than I ever becasue I will have used that time to figure out exactly why I died and what moves I could have used to defend myself better now that I know what hold he had me in.


Michael: Society teaches us that having feelings and crying is bad and wrong. Well, that's baloney, because grief isn't wrong. There is such a thing as good grief. Just ask Charlie Brown.


Dwight: And how big do you want this robot?
Michael: Lifesize
Dwight: Hmm. No. Better make it 2/3. Easier to stop if it turns on us.
Jane: What the hell are you two talking about?


Michael: That is just not the way a Dunder-Mifflin manager should go. I'm sorry....alone, our of the blue...not even have his head to confort him.


Michael: Wham! His capa is detated from his head!
Stanley: You just spit on my face.


Michael: There are five stages to grief which are, denial, anger, bargining, depression, and acceptance. And right now, out there, they are all denying the fact that they're sad. And that's hard and it's making them all angry. And it is my job to get them all the way through to acceptance. And if not acceptance, then just depression. If I can get them depressed then I will have done my job.


Read the episode recap for The Office Grief Counseling


Initiation


Dwight: Mose is my cousin and he lives here. He will always be my best friend unless things go well with Ryan today. In which case, I won't hang out with Mose as much anymore.


Dwight: And just as you have planted your seed in the groud, I am going to plant my seed in you.


Michael: Never, ever, ever, sleep with your boss. I'm so lucky Jan and I only got to second base.


Pam: It's weird. Jan use to treat Michael like a ten year old but lately it's like he's five.


Stanley: I wake up every morning in a bed that's too small. Drive my daughter to a school that's too expensive and then I go to work to a job for which I get paid too little. But on pretzel day....Well, I like pretzel day.


Dwight: I am very excited. Ryan hasn't made a sale yet, but more importantly he hasn't made an ally yet. Is he gonna be a slacker, loser, wise-ass like Jim was? Or is he gonna join the Dwight Army of Champions?


Dwight: Michael says KISS - Keep It Simple Stupid. Hurts my feelings every time.


Jan: Tell me what you did yesterday?
Michael: I worked and then I went hom to my condo and Carol came over and we had sex. Is that what you want to hear?


Read the episode recap for The Office Initiation


Diwali


Pam: I feel a little underdressed. But at least Iím not dressed like a slutty cheerleader, right? Is that mean?


Michael: My Indian cultural seminar was going great until Toby decided that he was too immature to deal with culturally explicit images. Itís just sex, people. Everybody does it. Iím doing it with Carol. Probably tonight.


Jim: I started biking to work. Josh does it. And he lives a lot farther away than I do. And also, it saves gas money, it keeps me in shape, helps the environment. And now I know it makes me really sweaty for work.


Read the episode recap for The Office Diwali


Branch Closing


Dwoght: When you become close to someone you develop a kind of sixth sense and read their moods like a book. Right now the title of Michael's book is "Something is going on: What did Jan Say? The Michael Scott Story" by Michael Scott with Dwight Schrute.


Jim: I always knew the branch would shut down someday. I just figured it would be becuase Michael sold the building for some magic beans.


Michael: This is my house. The CFO is taking away my house and giving it to Josh. And Josh is giving the garage to Bob Vance.


Read the episode recap for The Office Branch Closing


The Merger


Michael: My branch is absorbing the Stamford branch or, as I like to put it. My family is doubling in size. And thatís all Iím gonna say about it because I have a gigantic performance ahead of me and I have to get into my head and focus.


Kevin: In general, they do not give me much responsibility, but they do let me shred the company documents and that's really all I need.


Andy: Iíll be the number two guy here in Scranton in six weeks. How? Name repetition, personality mirroring and never breaking off a handshake. Iím always thinking one step ahead, like aÖcarpenter...that makes stairs.


Michael: People hate people that are different from them. Thatís natural, but you know what makes people forget their differences, a great show. That is why I created the integration celebration. This is the moment when Scranton and Stamford come together as one united in applause.


Read the episode recap for The Office The Merger



Great Quotes From All Episodes

Season 1, All Episodes

Season 2, Episodes 1-8

Season 2, Episodes 9-16

Season 2, Episodes 17-23

Season 3, Episodes 1-8

Season 3, Episodes 9-16