The Office Quotes Season 2

Want to duplicate the hilarity of The Office Sitcom in your own office. Try these quotes on for size.

Performance Review


Jan: Michael, it has nothing to do with your looks. It's your personality. You're obnoxious, and rude...and, and, and...stupid, and you do have coffee breath, by the way, and I don't agree about the BO, but...


Dwight: I would also further like to talk about my merits in the workplace.
Michael: OKay, third wheel...why don't you go do that?


Michael: Hello...everybody, we're going to have our weekly suggestions box meeting, so you can get in your constructive compliments ASAP.
Ryan: Don't you mean constructive criticisms?
Michael: What'd I say?
Kelly: You said constructive compliments. That doesn't make any sense.
Michael: Well, Kelly, that was neither constructive or a compliment, so you don't you stop criticizing my English and start making some suggestions?


Michael: Jan, to what do I owe this pleasure?
Jan: I'm returning your many calls.
Michael: Well, hello to you too.


Dwight: This is a fitness orb and it has completley changed my life. Forget everything you thought you knew about ab workouts.
Jim: Done.


Dwight: I even come in on holidays.
Michael: You do? How do you get in?
Dwight: I have a copy of your key.
Jan: That's a serious offense.
Michael: That is a serious offense. Very serious. As is toying with a man's heart.


Pam: Michael and Jan definitely made out, maybe more.
Jim: Ooh...ach! Oh, um also it's Thursday but Dwight thinks it’s Friday so…keep that going.
Pam: Oh yay!


Jim: Dwight thinks it's Friday so that's what I'm going to be doing this afternoon.


Read the episode recap for The Office Performance Review


Email Surveillance


Oscar: Why are you spying on our computers?
Michael: Wow, Oscar's gone crazy! What other ghost stories do you have for us? That I'm a robot?


Kevin: I've gotta erase a lot of stuff. A lot of stuff.


Michael: (to Dwight) If I step on a landmine in Scranton, Pennsylvania, you can have my job, okay.


Dwight: As a volunteer sheriff, I can look up anyone's psychiatric records or surgical histories. Yeast infections - there are a huge number of yeast infections in this county. Probably because we live right down the river from that old bread factory.


Jim: It's true - I'm having a party. I've got three cases of imported beer, a karaoke machine, and I didn't invite Michael. So, three ingredients for a great party.


Michael: (About improv class) I wouldn't miss it for the world, but if something else came up, I would definitely not go.


Ryan: Hey, is Katy coming?
Jim: Actually, I haven't talked to her in awhile.
Ryan: Is it okay if I call her?


Read the episode recap for The Office Email Surveillance


Christmas Party


Michael: So Phyllis is basically saying, "Hey, Michael, I know you did a lot to help the office this year, but I only care about you a homemade oven mitt's worth."


Toby: I got Angela. She's into these posters of babies dressed as adults, and I got her one of those. I felt kind of weird buying it.


Michael: Stupid corporate! Wet blankets…it’s not like booze ever killed anyone.


Michael: Christmas is awesome. First of all you got to spend time with people you love. Secondly, you can get drunk and no-one can say anything. Third you give presents. What's better than giving presents? And fourth, getting presents. So four things. Not bad for one day. It's really the greatest day of all time.


Store clerk: It comes to $166.41
Michael: Alright, you’re the expert…tell me, is this enough to get 20 people plastered?
Store clerk: 15 bottles of vodka? Yeah, that should do it.


Kevin: (About the Christmas tree) Why'd you get it so big?
Michael: Well, A) that's what she said, and...


Kevin: I got myself for Secret Santa. I was supposed to tell somebody, but I didn't. (he smiles)


Meredith: The deal is that this is my last hurrah 'cause I made a New Year's resolution that I'm not going to drink anymore...during the week.


Michael: Presents are the best way to show someone you care. It is like this tangible thing that you can point to and say, "Hey man, I love you this many dollars worth."


Read the episode recap for The Office Christmas Party


Booze Cruise


Pam: Last week, Michael sent out this mysterious memo.
Jim: It's time for our first quarter comradery event, so pack a swimsuit, a toothbrush, rubber soled shoes, and a ski mask.
Pam: A ski mask, and a swimsuit!
Jim:: So that he can have us rob a bank, and then, escape through the sewers.
Pam: And brush our teeth!


Michael: What is the deal with the guy jumping overboard? If he had just waited, and listened to what I had to say, he would be motivated right now, and not all wet.


Dwight: Are you sick? Captain Jack says you should look at the moon.
Michael: Captain Jack's a fart face.


Michael: I'm a great motivational speaker - I attended a Tony Robbins event by the airport last year, and...it wasn't the actual course - you had to pay for the actual course - but it talked about the actual course.


Dwight: I was the youngest pilot in Pan Am history. When I was four, the pilot let me ride in the cockpit and fly the plane with him. And I was four and I was great. And I would have landed it but my dad wanted us to go back to our seats.


Read the episode recap for The Office Booze Cruise


The Injury


Dwight: Where are we going?
Jim: Come on. Get inside.
Dwight: Where are we going?
Jim: We're going to Chuck E. Cheese.
Michael: Chuck E. Cheese? Oh, god. I'm so sick of Chuck E. Cheese.
Jim: We're going to the hospital, Michael.
Michael: I know. I'm just sayin'...


Michael: Dwight, what is your middle name?
Dwight: Danger...
Michael: Something with a "K."
Jim: It's Kurt. Wow, I'm so sad that I know that.
Michael: What do I write under reason for visit?
Jim: Concussion.(Michael writes on the form.)
Jim: What did you write?
Michael: Ahem, nothing. I wrote "bringing someone to the hospital".


Michael: The rules in shotgun are very simple and very clear. The first person to shout shotgun when you're within the sight of the car gets the front seat. That's how the game's played. There are no exceptions for someone with a concussion.


Pam: Would you like some aspirin? You seem kind of fussy...
Michael: No, I don't want any aspirin! Aspirin's not gonna do a dang thing, Pam. Of course I'm fussy! I'm sitting here with a bloody stump of a foot!


Michael: The point is, I am the only one here with a legitimate disability, although I'm sure Stanley's had his fair share of obstacles.


Jim: Sometimes I just wanna clamp Michael's face in a George Foreman grill.


Michael: Do you know what it's like to be disabled?
Phyllis: I had scoliosis as a girl.
Michael: Never heard of it. No - a real disability. Not a woman's problem.


Michael: Pam, will you rub butter on my foot?
Pam: No.
Michael: Please? I have Country Crock!


Read the episode recap for The Office The Injury


The Secret


Dwight: So how did Oscar sound when he called in?
Pam: Sick. Like lots of sniffling, I don’t know.
Dwight: Sniffling how?
Pam: Umm, how many ways are there to sniffle?
Dwight: Three
Pam: Ok it was the second one
Dwight: Ok. Good. Thank you, that wasn’t so hard now was it.


Michael: Jim and I are great friends. We hang out a ton..... mostly at work.


Dwight: There are several different ways to tell if a perp is lying. The liar will avoid direct eye contact. The liar will cover part of his or her face with his hands, especially the mouth. The liar will perspire. Unfortunately, I spoke to Oscar on the phone so none of this is useful.


Dwight: Listen, Temp. I am conducting a little investigation, so I am no longer going to be able to head up Spring Cleaning. Do you think you can handle it?
Ryan: Yeah, I think I can handle it.
Dwight: Do you think or do you know?
Ryan: I think.
Dwight: Oh god...


Read the episode recap for The Office The Secret


The Carpet


Michael: If the guilty person would just come forward and take their punishment, then this would all be over. Ok then, you're all punished.
Pam: What's our punishment?
Michael: You're all on a time out.


Pam: Somebody did something bad to Michael's carpet. Maybe that's all we need to know.


Michael: I am the victim of a hate crime. Stanley knows what I'm talking about.
Stanley: That is not what a hate crime is.
Michael: Well I hated it.


Michael: I'm beginning to think that what happened to the carpet was an act of terrorism. Against the office. It's the only thing that makes any sense.


Kelly: Toby used to sit there, but he had to move because of an allergy.
Jim: Allergic to the desk?


Pam: I get ten vacation days a year, and I try to hold off from taking them as long as possible, and this year I got to the third week in January.


Ryan: Jim's been looking at me kind of a lot all week. I would be creeped out by it, but it's nothing compared to the way that Michael looks at me.


Read the episode recap for The Office The Carpet



Great Quotes From All Episodes

Season 1, All Episodes

Season 2, Episodes 1-8

Season 2, Episodes 9-16

Season 2, Episodes 17-23

Season 3, Episodes 1-8

Season 3, Episodes 9-16